Jefferey The Otter On Saint Patrick’s Day: A Poem

March 17, 2017 at 4:24 pm (Comedy, Culture, Humour, News, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

From Planet Nibiru, Jefferey came
not seeking any worldly earthly fame
he was a party otter seeking a new party spot
one where he could avoid being struck in parking lot
for he was a furry mammal on all fours
one who often got stuck in revolving doors

He had heard about Saint Paddy’s Day
its fame had spread across the Milky Way
and when he wasn’t eating Nibiruan scientist’s stitchin’
or laughing at the theories of Zecharia Sitchin
he often dreamed of having a Guinness or two
and seducing a female earthling otter in the Dublin Zoo

So he stole ET gray Gali-Gula’s spaceship
and headed off on quite the far out trip
to Dublin he went where he took many a nip
now on Earth otters cannot talk
they just sit and bark on a rock
so Nibiruan otter was quite the hit of the bar
one would think he was a furry Bono- a rock star

Jefferey regaled them with “When Irish Eyes Are Smilin”
when asked if he was legal age, Jefferey was lyin’
but his Nibiruan otter mother wasn’t around to spank
so Jefferey thoroughly enjoyed this drunken otter prank

He ordered some Jameson’s Irish Whiskey
drinking so much- he had to go pee
He decided to enter the ladies’ room
little realizing this would be his doom
Pretty little Irish colleens in their short skirts did shriek
when they saw a perverted male otter taking a peek
they hit him with their high-heeled shoes
like a cocaine high drummer gettin’ in the groove

Jefferey barely escaped with his life
Dublin police were called to end the strife
but the Garda Siochana stopped for a few brews
ignoring Police Commissioner’s warning about hitting the booze
soon O’ Reilly’s Bar was overrun by drunks galore
while Jefferey safely crawled his way across the floor
and soon headed straight out the door.

“Gosh,” Jefferey smiled, “that was fun”
unaware someone would tomato his bun
for Sherrielock Holmes had received ET call
from Jefferey’s mother who was going up the wall
Jefferey felt the lash of Sherrielock’s whip
as he admired the dominatrix’s shapely hip
he thought her leather skirt was quite the sight
even though his buttocks were no longer tight

And that was how Jefferey spent Saint Paddy’s Day
a Nibiruan otter in Dublin sowin’ wild oats for hay.

-A Saint Patrick’s Day poem
written by Christopher
Friday March 17th
2017.

Sherrielock Holmes
Sherrielock Holmes movin’ in for the kill on Nibiruan otter’s naughty buttocks

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Pope Francis, Loki and Fenrir

March 13, 2017 at 3:28 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Amadeus Emanon was flipping through the stations on his radio trying to see if he could pick up an all-reggae music station.

He came across an interview Pope Francis was giving members of the German news media, “Catholic fundamentalists are like Peter. They’re quite willing to deny Christ 3 times.”

He then came across the replay of an old BBC radio interview that the British essayist and commentator Malcolm Muggeridge had given over 40 years ago, “We must remember that it was the Apostle who was the most concerned about social justice that finally ended up betraying Christ in the end.”

Meanwhile the Norse trickster god Loki and his lupine son the Norse wolf Fenrir (who had both become unbound in the year 2010 in preparation for the Battle of Ragnarok 7 years hence) were walking through a New York City cryogenics lab.

“Here we are,” Loki opened a drawer marked “H for Hecate’s head”, “the cryogenically frozen head of the Greek goddess Hecate in her crone form. Now I want you to take this head, Fenrir, and eat it.”

“Can’t we stick it in the microwave first, Dad?” Fenrir communicated telepathically to his father, “I’ve always hated eating frozen TV dinners while they’re still frozen.”

“Oh, all right,” Loki sighed.

They went to the cryogenics lab cafeteria frightening all the patrons present (who promptly ran away) where Loki put the cryogenically frozen head of Hecate on high in the microwave for 2 minutes.

“I wonder if that will be long enough,” Loki scratched his trickster god chin.

The bell on the microwave rang and Loki took the head out.

“Ouch! Ouch! Hot! Hot!” Loki dropped the head to the floor and started blowing on his fingers.

Fenrir waited for the head to cool off for a while before eating it.

After eating it in one gulp, the wolf commented, “BURP!”.

“You always did have the most atrocious table manners,” Loki sighed.

“Good thing I was eating off the floor,” Fenrir belched again, “and funny, you never said that whenever I ate in Odin’s banquet hall.”

“That’s because Odin was such a sourpuss host,” Loki answered, “let’s go.”

Loki and Fenrir exited the cafeteria with Fenrir singing his own version of a 1960s Peter, Paul and Mary song as he went out the door, “Where have all the goddess heads gone? Long time passing. Where have all the goddess heads gone? Gone to wolf’s guts every one. When will they ever learn? When will they ever learn?”.

An hour later the Greek deities Artemis and Apollo arrived in the cryogenics lab with the Niburuan ET gray scientist Dr. Whenever Wherever.

“Good heavens,” the goddess of the hunt Artemis shouted when she opened the drawer, “Hecate’s head is gone.”

“I wonder if I’ll get my Olympian gold coin drachmas money back,” Apollo seethed.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 13th
2017.

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Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead!

March 10, 2017 at 6:13 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, Mystery/horror, Mythology, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Big Ben just happened to chime in London the moment Hecate was beheaded in New York City.

Apollo gathered up Hecate’s head and had it cryogenically frozen.

Who of course could bring the deity back to life?

First bets fell on Dr. Cadbury Rocher the resident mad scientist at Set Enterprises in London who had brought Apollo back from the dead, had restored Medusa to life (minus her atrocious snake hair style) and who also had managed to clone several Greek mythological creatures including Pan and Pegasus.

However Dr. Rocher was fearful of reprisals from satyr serial killer Pan Goatee if he brought Hecate back from the dead so he declined.

South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo declined for the same reason.

As did the Russian FSB’s (former East German Stasi) mad scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen although Dr. Werhoffen did have the added burden of his boss Russian President Vladimir Putin’s dislike for witches (hence his dislike for Hillary).

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton released the following statement upon hearing of Hecate’s death:

I’m so sorry to hear of the sudden and tragic demise of the Greek goddess I always considered my personal mentor Hecate the goddess of witchcraft, sorcery and necromancy. I know me and my supporters as well as the CEOs of all Planned Parenthood clinics across the land are absolutely devastated by news of our mentor’s death. I am personally proud of being a witch although I do know being a witch spelled with both a “w” and a “b” probably cost me the U.S. election as many people seemed to prefer even voting for Donald Trump as opposed to voting for me.

Weepingly yours in Hecate,
Hillary.

The Greek goddess Demeter (goddess of the harvest and agriculture) was very concerned over the death of Hecate.

She turned to Artemis the goddess of the hunt for help in bringing Hecate back to life.

Asclepius the Greek god of medicine and healing was sadly being held a prisoner in the Himalayas by a mysterious Golden cobra serpent figure who called himself Maitreya so he could not do it.

Artemis went for a walk in the woods in upstate New York to collect her thoughts.

There she ran into the ET gray Gali-Gula (whose ET gray body was possessed by the spirit of the Roman Emperor Caligula).whose Niburuan UFO ship The Gunterpunter had run out of metallic hydrogen since Gali-Gula had neglected to fill up at the closest Nonpetro Galaxia metallic hydrogen filling station.

Gali-Gula was aware that world-famous Earthling dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes would probably tomato his buns for such a major blunder to say nothing of Pope Francis excommunicating him (if he had been Catholic) as well as being hit by a major carbon tax surcharge by Alberta Premier Rachel Notley’s NDP government in Canada for making such a major environmental non-green non-renewable energy blunder.

Artemis told Gali-Gula her dilemma.

Gali-Gula told Artemis his.

Artemis text messaged Hephaestus the Greek god of the forge to see what he could do.

In return, Gali-Gula text messaged his ET grayish home planet Nibiru’s top scientist Dr. Whenever Wherever.

Dr. Whenever Wherever was in fact a Nibiruan scientist from the future who had traveled back in time to the current century.

Due to a mishap involving a drunken Niburuan otter called Jeffery which resulted in sustainable head injuries to Dr. Whenever Wherever after he tripped over the well intoxicated otter lying on the floor, Dr. Whenever Wherever’s portion of his ET gray brain dedicated to time travel had been overtaken by amnesia. (Nibiruan science had suffered several setbacks over the millenia due to the folly of drunken Nibiruan otters- please see

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2016/08/12/gali-gula-from-roman-emperor-to-et/ )

In the future, Dr. Whenever Wherever had been born to Nibiruan parents who were big fans of the earthling BBC series Dr. Who watching them on Ultra-Violet Ray Video Discs (with infinitely better picture quality than our decade’s Blu-Ray discs). Unfortunately the idiot recording them on the Discs had pushed the wrong button and so the only soundtrack that showed up in the background of the Dr. Who episodes was a constant refrain of Shakira’s 2001 hit song Whenever Wherever.

That episode of Dr. Who where the stone angels came to life was infinitely more terrifying when you heard the words Whenever Wherever to their suddenly and eerily coming to life.

As such, the young ET gray’s parents had named the child Whenever Wherever after the dialogue in the episodes of Dr. Who they watched on the unknown idiot’s Ultra-Violet Ray video discs of Dr. Who.

Dr. Whenever Wherever of Nibiru after speaking to Artemis on Gali-Gula’s Infinitely Celestial Smart Phone agreed to help in the case of Hecate’s severed head seeing if it could be brought back to life.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 10th
2017.

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Nibiru Is Coming

September 2, 2016 at 2:42 pm (Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Dr. Wilfrid Avonmore was Chief Astronomer at the Royal Astronomical Observatory just outside London.

He had as a guest the U.S. Air Force’s chief expert on stealth technology Major Mark Mason.

“What is so important that President Barack Obama actually interrupted my golf game to send me over here?” asked Major Mason angrily as he had blown his only chance to finally score par in life.

“You’ve got a complaint,” Dr. Avonmore fumed but was too embarrassed to announce that he had lost his chance to finally lose his virginity in life when the Royal Astronomical Laboratory had called him the night before.

“What’s so important?” Major Mason growled like Smoky Bear with his pants on fire.

“How big can an object be and still be invisible to radar as well as everything else for that matter?” Dr. Avonmore asked the stealth technology expert.

“I have no idea,” Major Mason answered, “and besides the biggest object we do have under stealth technology is classified top secret at the moment. That is until Edward Snowden leaks it to the Russians.”

“Look through this telescope,” Dr. Avonmore invited him.

“I see nothing,” Major Mason harrumphed like Major Hoople when he looked through the telescope, “nothing but darkness.”

“Now notice what happens when I play this old 78 record album,” Dr. Avonmore said, “a song recorded by a Dr. Kasper Geist in Berlin Germany back on May 14th 1948- a song sung in ancient Tibetan called A Hymn To Chaos with musical accompaniment by a theremin.”

When Dr. Avonmore played the album, Major Mason could see a huge huge huge x infinity huge planet through the telescope.

“Jesus Christ,” Major Mason peed his pants, “that’s the biggest planet I’ve seen in my life.”

“And would you believe this planet is currently in the location of our solar system’s asteroid belt and is heading straight for flyby our earth?” Dr. Avonmore spoke with the solemnity of a scientist in one of those old 1950s end of the world science-fiction films.

“And you mean to say no telescope or any piece of equipment has been able to spot a planet this size so close to Earth unless this song A Hymn To Chaos is played with musical accompaniment by a theremin?” Major Mason asked in incredulous fashion.

“That is correct,” Dr. Avonmore nodded.

“Holy cow,” Major Mason sipped from his bottle of chocolate milk.

“And if you think the planet is big,” Dr. Avonmore spoke with the passion of a used car salesman, “you should see the size of the sun the planet is orbiting around. Something you’ll see when I play this 78 record album backwards. But put on your special protection goggles first.”

“Jesus Christ,” Major Mason said as he looked through the telescope and promptly did a number 2 in his pants.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 2nd
2016.

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Justin Trudeau Meets Gali-Gula

August 18, 2016 at 12:49 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Humour, Politics, Satire, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau had promised to legalize marijuana if he was elected. And last year he was elected. So Justin figured he better legalize marijuana.

He decided there was nothing like taking a personal approach to an issue. So today on the 39th Anniversary of Elvis’ death, he decided to try smoking marijuana until smoke was coming out of his ears.

As his aide opened the door, the smoke was indeed coming out of the Prime Minister’s ears.

“Prime Minister, what are you doing?” his aide asked.

“I’m doing a one-man personal investigation into studying the effects of marijuana,” Justin replied.

“But Prime Minister, you have a major speech to deliver within an hour,” his aide pointed out.

“I already wrote it,” Justin handed him his speech.

20 minutes later, his aide contacted the organization Justin was to address and told them that the Prime Minister had come down with a rare summer cold and wouldn’t be available to speak tonight.

. . .

As Justin Trudeau slept off the aftereffects of his one-man personal investigation of the after-effects of smoking marijuana, he woke up and saw a pair of glowing red ET gray buns in his face.

“Holy smoking hot buns, Batman,” Justin spoke a line that would have fit right in with the lingo of the popular Batman television series of the 1960s.

“That I have,” Gali-Gula the ET gray (whose body was inhabited by the ghost of the late Roman Emperor Caligula) agreed as he turned around.

“Good God,” Justin Trudeau said as he looked at the creature, “you’re gray in colour, you look like ET in appearance, you’re nude and you’re not wearing any panties.”

“That’s true,” Gali-Gula admitted, “although Caitlyn Jenner has promised to take me shopping the next time I visit Beverly Hills.”

“What do you want with me?” Justin asked while blinking at the ET gray in the same manner that Chief Commissioner Dreyfus blinked at Inspector Clouseau in the old Blake Edwards Pink Panther movies with Peter Sellers and Herbert Lom.

“I wish to take a contemporary world leader back to Planet Nibiru for dissection,” Gali-Gula explained.

“But I’m too young to die,” Justin protested, “to say nothing of the fact that I haven’t achieved my goal of having one million selfies of myself taken while topless and posing with bedazzled Canadians and having them posted on Facebook.”

“That is indeed probably a worthy goal,” Gali-Gula was impressed by the young politician’s erstwhile political goals, “I’ll fly over to Moscow and see if the sometimes topless Russian leader will be more accommodating to the idea of a one-way trip to Nibiru.”

“Please do,” Justin felt relieved.

“By the way, do you have any ice I can put on my rear end to cool off my glowing red hot buns that were recently tomatoed by world famous Earthling dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes?” Gali-Gula asked.

“Well, I don’t know about ice but I do have a few ice cold bottles of Molson’s Canadian Beer that I can stick on your rear end,” Justin rose from his couch and approached the refrigerator.

And so Gali-Gula sat with his buttocks on a couple of bottles of Molson’s Canadian Beer while holding in his hands and sipping a large cup of Tim Horton’s Double Double Coffee..

Gali-Gula and the Canadian Prime Minister then discussed world history.

When Gali-Gula mentioned that as Roman Emperor Caligula, he had once appointed a horse to the Roman Senate, Justin looked out the window and noticed that former Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s horse was once again eating the roses in his garden. Harper’s horse never ate the roses in Harper’s garden but only in Trudeau’s garden.

“You just gave me an idea,” Justin grinned, “I always wondered where I could stick Harper’s horse.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 16th 2016.

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Haiku About Planet 9

January 21, 2016 at 9:14 pm (Folklore, International Intrigue, News, Poetry, Science) (, , , , , )

Haiku About Planet 9

Dark unseen planet
NASA scoffs at Nibiru
yet truth is out there

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Magog Rhys Petley and Pan Goatee

August 7, 2013 at 7:10 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Magog Rhys Petley and Pan Goatee

As Magog Rhys Petley sat in his seat on the British Airways plane bound for Egypt, a man in Bermuda shorts sat next to him.

Magog noticed the man had goat’s legs and this wasn’t the feature item on the plane’s dinner menu.

Magog decided to make polite conversation,  “Has anyone ever told you that you have goat’s legs?”.

“That’s because I’m a satyr like in Ancient Greek mythology,” Pan Goatee helped himself to a martini from a passing flight attendant’s tray, “I’m half-man and half-goat.”

“Oh of course, naturally,”  Magog nodded.  He hadn’t recalled having had that much to drink in the airport lounge.

“The name’s Goatee,”  the satyr shook his martini,  “Pan Goatee.”

“Rhys Petley,” the British MP ordered a glass of buttermilk from the attractive brunette flight attendant, “Magog Rhys Petley.”

“Did you know that your body is inhabited by the spirit of a friend of mine?”  Pan Goatee asked,  “The spirit of Neb-Senu entity from planet Nibiru who sojourned in ancient Egypt eons ago and was the spirit behind the moving rotating statue in the Manchester Museum?”.  

Atheistic Marxist Magog Rhys Petley buried his head in his hands.

He started to wonder whether there wasn’t some spiritual force present in the Universe that was trying its hardest to get people to give up drinking?

When he had passed a neighbour’s apartment in the hallway recently where an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting was taking place, he had overheard the evening’s speaker say that he decided to give up drinking when he saw the 3-headed dog Cerberus walk by the window of the pub in which he was drinking.

A few nights later when he had backslidden (like a Pentecostal televangelist on his umpteenth visit to a whorehouse),  the same 3-headed dog Cerberus had appeared to him on the street and asked him for directions on how to get to the Palace of Westminster.

Magog Rhys Petley caught a glimpse of the shapely black silk nylon clad legs of the short skirted attractive brunette flight attendant as she walked past down the aisle.

Then he noticed the furry goat’s legs of the strange individual in the Bermuda shorts sitting next to him.

He sighed.

It was going to be a long trip to Cairo.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 7th
2013

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The Moving Statue

June 27, 2013 at 4:31 pm (Horror, Humour, Mystery, Mystery/horror, News, Poetry, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

As Pan Goatee serial killer slashed the fat ugly female cyclist to death

making sure the aesthetically facially challenged blimp was devoid of breath,

the statue of Neb-Senu

being from planet Nibiru

moved in its glass case in Manchester 

dancing like Jack Benny’s butler Rochester

in this museum inspired by the Muses nine 

spirit beings found it fine

especially entity Neb-Senu

when he moved from Park Avenue

when the Wall Street banker he did possess

lost an encounter with a bus in much distress

so it returned to its statuely home 

devoid of constantly ringing phone 

into the statuette donated in 1933 

the year Hitler took Germany 

and stamped it with his destiny 

a statue made about 1800 B.C. 

when desert devil gods roamed free 

and the Nile River took its star Sirius-ly

what rough beast?  Its hour come round at last 

stops at McDonald’s for breakfast? 

one slouching towards Bethlehem 

waiting to be born 

a statue that moves 

at blast of car horn.  

It eventually moves 180 degrees 

but moves even more 

at a patron’s sneeze.

 

-A poem written by Christopher 

 Wednesday afternoon 

 June 26th 2013

 inspired by reports 

 of a moving Egyptian statue 

 in a Manchester museum.

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