Wilkie The Cat As Count Dracula: A Halloween Theatrical Poem

October 29, 2018 at 10:43 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, Literature, Poetry, Satire, theatre, Theatre Arts) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Narrator:

Gather around, all ye folks,
If you’re Canadian, watch your tokes,
In this theatre, pot is for peeing and not for smokes.
Our story begins here on Broadway
where Donald Trump sought starlets to lay
before Vladimir Putin turned him gay

Oprah Winfrey (as a transgendered Othello) :

Oh where, oh where is Desdemona?
I lie here in bed making many a moana
but I hear no Desdemona a groana.

Narrator:

Ms. Winfrey, you’re in the wrong theatre
this is what happens when you drink too much beera
The LGBTQ production of Othello is next door
please watch those Jesuit condoms on the floor
as from this theatre to that, you kindly pass
while Pope Francis’ order celebrates a Baphomet Mass

Oprah:

Oh damn, oh damn,
so much for a grand slam,
Roseanne Barr plays a transgendered Iago
while Donald Trump calls Robert Mueller a fago.

Narrator:

And now Oprah is moving her ass
as from this theatre to that, she kindly does pass
And now we shall begin our own theatrical tale
as Greenpeace activist encounters a methane gas producing carbon emissions whale
caused by Jefferey the otter’s cooked extra spicy pork and beans tipping the scale

And the good ship Demeter crashes
as Mina Harker bats her eyelashes
for the methane gas producing whale has sunk the ship
while Greenpeace activist takes a Justin Trudeau inspired trip
And Count Dracula (played by Wilkie the Cat) swims ashore
while his coffin is carried by a yarmulke wearing rabbi wild boar
it’s a good thing the boar is no porcine Hannibal Lecter
otherwise his culinary tastes would violate the Mosaic laws inspector

I forgot to mention that Mitzi la feline actress Parisienne plays Mina Harker
as Dr. Jack Seward’s asylum patient Renfield eats Peter Parker
Spiderman is now gone
a marvel of a swan song
Lackey of Christopher Lee has triumphed over a Lee named Stan
as Antifa takes a statue of Robert E. into the can

The Confederate military hero
is to the political left a great big zero
even though he freed his own slaves long before did Ulysses S. Grant
but this is all ignored in a New York Times rant

Dracula swims ashore near Whitby Abbey
where Canterbury’s ex-ArchDruid Rowan Williams looks crabby
he should have had the lobster flambe instead of crabs a l’amour
given him while dallying with a young French paramour

And Jonathan Harker (played by Kelsey Grammer) watches in horror
as Dracula seduces his sweet love Lenore
oops! – wrong script! – Poe’s The Raven is the performance for tomorrow night
as this Wilkie production of Dracula shuts down this theatre’s marquee light

As Dr. Abraham Van Helsing played by David Hyde Pierce
moves in to collect Dracula’s Transylvanian government tax arrears
he stabs the vampiric nobleman through the heart
as the carbon emissions whale in the sea lets out one last fart.
Both Greenpeace activist and Count Dracula are now dead
The janitor will have to wipe the spot where Wilkie has bled
for a real stake was mistakenly used instead of a prop
the hazards of hiring for a prop hand a drunken sop.

-A Wilkie The Cat poem
written by Christopher
Saturday October 27th
2018.


Desdemona’s Death Scene by Dante Gabriel Rosetti
A scene from a 19th Century British production of William Shakespeare’s Othello
very different from an early 21st Century American production of Othello

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