Renfield and The Pompous Arrogant Millionaire

July 23, 2013 at 1:31 am (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon entered the seafood restaurant in London.


As they were entering, a man walked directly in front of Renfield and knocked into him without saying “Excuse me.”


“I’m going to kill that bastard,” Renfield turned to go after the man.


Amadeus grabbed Renfield and held him, “Calm down.”


As they were seated at a table, their usual waitress came over to their table and seemed to be somewhat upset.


“What’s wrong?” Amadeus asked.


“That man who just walked out,” she pointed outside to the man walking on the sidewalk- the same man who had carelessly bumped into Renfield, “he had a meal worth 50 pounds and tipped me nothing. Usually he leaves me a 5 pound tip but because I didn’t deliver his crab to him within 30 seconds of the chef ringing the bell to say the order was ready, he left me nothing.  But I had a whole bunch of drinks on my tray for another table at the time and I couldn’t rush to deliver them. So for that, he left me a tip of nothing.”


“Really?” Amadeus was shocked.


“The guy’s a millionaire too,” the waitress sighed, “and always boasting about how philanthropic and charitable he is.  But because I didn’t deliver his crab to him within 30 seconds, that philanthropic millionaire left me a tip of nothing.”


“That does it,” Renfield said, “I’m going to kill the bastard.”


This time Amadeus did nothing to stop him.


Renfield ran outside the restaurant and spotted the man about to enter the back seat of a Rolls Royce limousine whose back door was being held open by a chauffeur.


Renfield went behind the man, pulled out his gun and fired six rounds into the man’s back.


Then he turned around and walked back into the restaurant.


As the man lay on the sidewalk bleeding to death, his chauffeur (who had often been the victim of many of the pompous arrogant millionaire’s tirades) text messaged a friend on his phone (one he knew would be slow to answer him) and asked him what was the emergency number for police, fire and ambulance in the United Kingdom.


The friend responded 15 minutes later, “999 but you should know this.”


“You’re right I should,” the chauffeur text messaged back in Dracul Van Helsing style longhand, “I guess I must have forgotten momentarily.”


By this time the man was already dead and and had started his eternity of roasting on a nice warm red hot spit in Hellish flames.


When Renfield entered the restaurant a minute after shooting the man 6 times with his gun, he remarked to himself, “It’s a good thing there’s a special on illegal ammunition this week down at the gang warehouse in the London dockyards or otherwise I’d be kicking myself silly right now for excessive wastage of bullets.”


“What did you do?” Amadeus asked.


“I shot and killed him,” Renfield calmly remarked as he tied his napkin around his neck to form a protective bib as he quite often splashed while eating his oysters.


“You know I’m worried about myself,” Amadeus remarked, “I should be feeling a sense of moral outrage right now since you killed someone albeit someone who was a total asshole.   Yet I’m finding it hard to work up a sense of moral outrage over his death.”


“That’s because you’ve just learned a little known truth,” Renfield grinned, “which is totally oblivious to most idiots who work in the Crown Prosecutor’s Office and also sit on the bench which is that most societies do require psychopaths in order to be able to function properly in a manner that ensures true fairness and justice for all.”



To be continued.








-A vampire novel chapter 

 written by Christopher

 Monday night July 22nd 2013.

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