Michelangelo Foresees Pope Francis At Regensburg

April 19, 2017 at 4:38 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Dr. Cadbury Rocher and Amadeus Emanon were in the Set Enterprises laboratory with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

They had received a phone call from Renfield R. Renfield who had cut short his plans to overthrow the government of Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro in Caracas and was returning to Britain to run as a British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party Candidate (the party he had founded and was then deposed as leader by the Welsh Vampiress Morgana after the last British general election).

British Prime Minister Theresa May’s surprise election call for an early election yesterday from the steps of 10 Downing Street had prompted Renfield’s decision to return home.

Since he had only received 1 vote in the constituency of London-Collingwood Hills (where he and his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set lived in a colossal London mansion) in the last British general election, Renfield R. Renfield had decided this time to run as a Transhumanist candidate against incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie in his constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.

Renfield made the decision after he had found a picture of MP Agathor Christie on the Net yesterday showing him in a grocery store accompanying Renfield’s own personal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (please read https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2017/04/17/much-ado-about-the-orient-express/ )

Renfield was so angry when he saw the photo, he resolved then and there to run against Agathor Christie and beat the pants off of him (although dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes was already doing an excellent job of that herself).

Meanwhile Dr. Rocher and Amadeus were overlooking the list of revelations that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had been receiving the past few hours.

The revelations were being correlated and indexed and catalogued by a computer that Dr. Cadbury Rocher had invented specifically for this purpose – of anaylzing Michelangelo’s thought processes and psychic flashes and insights and foresights.

Dr. Rocher had given the computer the name The Artist Known As Raphael Who Existed Before The Pre-Raphaelites.

Although he called the computer Raph for short.

Dr. Rocher noticed that Michelangelo had picked up a TV News Broadcast from the future about Pope Francis giving an address at Regensburg University.

“That’s interesting,” Dr. Rocher paused at that revelation, “it was an address that Pope Benedict XVI gave at Regensburg back in 2006 that landed that Pope in trouble. In it, he quoted what a medieval Byzantine Emperor Manuel II Paleologus had once said about Islam (which wasn’t very complimentary) and this led to rioting and anti-Pope Benedict protests across the Islamic world.”

“I wonder who’ll Pope Francis will quote at the start of his speech,” Amadeus ate a cookie.

“Let’s click on Pope Francis’ Address To Regensburg: A News Broadcast From The Future and find out,” said Dr. Rocher who did just that.

The TV broadcast transmission from the future showed Pope Francis standing at the podium in a Regensburg University auditorium.

The Pope began,

“My predecessor began his address here by quoting a medieval Byzantine Emperor. I’m not going to do that…”

Laughter in the hall.

He continued,

“Instead, I’m going to….”

The Pope paused.

He looked down the far end of the table where he had been sitting earlier and noticed some milk and cookies at the end there that he had not been offered,

“I’m going to quote the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street…Me want cookie! Me want cookie!”.

Laughter in the hall.

“No,” Francis got angry, “I really want a cookie. I wasn’t offered milk and cookies when I sat here As Winston Churchill said when he was about to give a speech in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada at the height of Prohibition in that province and therefore wasn’t offered a brandy before speaking, “No brandy, no speech.” So verily, verily I say unto you, “No milk and cookies. No speech.”

There was a wild scramble to get Pope Francis milk and cookies.

Announcer: So just as Pope Benedict’s quoting a medieval Byzantine Emperor at Regensburg led to riots and protests across the Islamic world, so Pope Francis at Regensburg quoting Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster asking for milk and cookies has led to riots and protests across Greece. Apparently there was also feta cheese down at the end of the table from where Pope Francis was sitting and the Pontiff never asked for feta cheese. Just milk and cookies. This has led to anti-Francis protests throughout Greece…”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 19th
2017.

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Moloch and Mammon

October 24, 2011 at 9:47 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The Were-zomb-ire’s teeth were chattering after having spent a night in the Vatican garden on a rather chilly Rome evening.

The demon Moloch who was using the Were-Zomb-ire’s body as his host was starting to feel cold.

He was used to intense heat.

“Good morning,” said the demon Mammon who happened to be in the neighbourhood.

“Mammon, what are you doing here?” Moloch through the Were-Zomb-ire’s mouth asked the ancient Babylonian god of banking and commerce.

“Some of the Vatican bureaucrats who are under my control have just issued a statement through the Pontifical Council for Justice and Peace calling for the creation of a World Financial Authority,” Mammon smiled, “and I of course am going to be the one running that World Financial Authority when it’s finally created.”

“You haven’t formed an alliance with the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl by any chance have you?” Moloch asked through chattering teeth.

“So what if I have?” Mammon shrugged, “by the way what you were doing spending all night in the Vatican garden?”.

“I was trying to locate Pope Benedict XVI,” Moloch growled through the Were-Zomb-ire.

“Have you ever heard those stories about that mysterious priest who goes down into the catacombs and takes saucers of milk and bread to feed all the hungry stray cats who live down there in the catacombs?” Mammon asked.

“Yes, I have heard those stories,” Moloch nodded.

“Well that mysterious priest since 1981 has been Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger now Pope Benedict XVI,” replied Mammon, “he was down in the catacombs last night doing it.”

Mammon walked away whistling.

Moloch took a step and tripped over a black cat which caused him to fall into a fount of Holy Water.

“Hell, no,” Moloch’s Were-Zomb-ire body started to smulder.

To be continued.

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The Ballad of The Demon Moloch Possessed Were-Zomb-ire

October 23, 2011 at 9:02 pm (Horror, Mystery/horror, Poetry, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Under the dance of the stars of celestial fire
demon Moloch possessed the body of Were-Zomb-ire
and flying on bats’ wings he flew to Rome
and came within sight of Saint Peter’s Dome
then he encountered the Guards Swiss
embracing them with a deadly kiss
they fell to the ground
without a single sound
their flesh melted in the air
a sight of unholy terror
then he walked through the Vatican garden
hoping to encounter Benedict in the bargain.

To be continued.

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Idol Talk At The Set Mansion

October 18, 2011 at 10:22 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

As Renfield entered the colossal mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, he noticed a rather large and hideous looking creature leaving Set’s study.

The creature had a rather angry looking expression on his face.

“Say wasn’t that the demon Moloch who just left the Boss’ study?” Renfield asked Amadeus.

“It was,” Amadeus nodded as he continued to bite into a delicious Malaysian recipe for sweet and sour fish.

“What’s he looking so angry about?” Renfield inquired.

“Apparently His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI didn’t invite him to the Inter-Religious Dialogue and Pilgrimage For Peace which is being held in Assisi on October 27th of this year,” Amadeus answered, “so Moloch is somewhat upset about that. Eastern Orthodox priests have been invited, Protestant ministers have been invited, Jewish rabbis have been invited, Muslim imams have been invited, Buddhist lamas have been invited and Hindu gurus have been invited. In fact, 200 representatives of various different religious faiths from over 50 countries have been invited. But Moloch wasn’t invited.”

“Why not?” Renfield bit into a tuna fish sandwich which Athelstan the valet had brought him.

“I don’t think demons were invited,” Amadeus sampled some of the Malaysian Princess Diyana Aleeya’s delicious spaghetti.

“And why the Hell not?” Renfield felt sympathy for Moloch.

“I think it’s precisely because of Hell that demons haven’t been invited,” Amadeus answered.

“I fail to follow such logic,” Renfield drew a satanic inverted pentagram into his chocolate cake.

Suddenly Renfield’s cell phone emitted a beeping sound.

“Who’s that?” Amadeus took a sip of orange juice.

“It’s a text message from the demon Moloch,” Renfield replied, “he wants to know if he can borrow my creature the Were-Zomb-ire for a few days and get it to attack the Vatican in retaliation for the Pope not inviting him to attend the Assisi Inter-Religious Dialogue and Pilgrimage For Peace.”

“And what answer are you giving him, sir?” Athelstan the valet inquired.

“If he can successfully trap the Were-Zomb-ire himself,” Renfield replied, “he’s welcome to him. So far all the traps I’ve set up around London to capture the Were-Zomb-ire have failed.”

“And what sort of traps have you been using, sir?” Athelstan inquired.

“Giant mouse traps with giant pieces of cheese attached to them,” Renfield answered.

“And who suggested that the Were-Zomb-ire likes cheese?” Athelstan looked surprised.

Renfield pointed towards Amadeus.

Athelstan looked quizzically at Amadeus.

“Well,” Amadeus shrugged as he bit into a huge block of cheese, “since I like cheese, I thought maybe the Were-Zomb-ire might like cheese as well.”

To be continued.

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A Marxist Werewolf In Madrid

August 21, 2011 at 8:19 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Walking in Madrid in the middle of the pouring rain…

… I was walking in Madrid in the middle of the pouring rain…

… wearing the coat of a werewolf in the middle of the pouring rain…

… The Senorita in red asked me, “Are you a Christian, child?”…

and I answered, “Marxist-Leninist.”

Magog Rhys Petley was beginning to feel that he was the central character in a badly written parody of a Marc Cohn hit song.

The far leftist Labour Member of Parliament from Wales had been battling an acute outbreak of lycanthropy ever since he got bitten by the ancient Hindu demon Rahu several months ago.

Part of the curse was that he did not turn into a werewolf only during the full moon but also whenever he was deeply aroused by something.

And lately the agitation of rioters in Britain the past couple of weeks had been turning him into a werewolf.

Now Scotland Yard was under the impression that he was responsible for organizing the riots.

So Magog decided to leave the country for a while until the heat died down.

Coming to Spain may not have been the brightest idea in the world.

All of these beautiful young Spanish senoritas were getting him sexually aroused.

Not to mention the streets of Madrid were crowded because of Papal World Youth Day celebrations.

And now here in Madrid as he stood in the middle of the pouring rain, thunder and lightning flashed all around him.

Water and several hundreds of thousands of volts of electricity was probably not a good combination Magog figured.

But it still might put an end to his werewolf’s curse.

Magog drank his buttermilk.

He had discovered that drinking buttermilk seemed to serve as an antidote to his outbreaks of Rahu-bite induced lycanthropy.

The beautiful young Senorita in red had asked him if he was a Christian.

No doubt because of all the visitors here to the Papal World Youth Day.

She walked down the streets in her red dress which fit even more tightly around her lovely figure because of the wetness caused by the rain.

As the glass of buttermilk had been emptied and she continued to swish elegantly down the streets in her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes, Magog felt himself getting aroused.

As he turned hairy and started crawling around on all fours, the woman in red turned around and faced him without fear, “To remove the curse, seek the help of the Key.”

She then turned and vanished down a Madrid alleyway.

“A key?” Magog thought to himself as he started to howl.

Where was he going to find a key in this tumultuous weather?

What did she mean by the Key?

Thunder and lightning flashed all around him.

To be continued.

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Summoning The Ghost of Alexander VI The Borgia Pope

May 1, 2011 at 8:28 pm (Horror, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Having summoned Hitler’s ghost in Berlin the night before, Herr Hans flew to Rome the following day (Sunday, May 1st 2011) to perform his own little ceremony in opposition to Pope Benedict XVI’s beatification of Pope John Paul II.

At the same time as Benedict was beatifying John Paul, Herr Hans was at the tomb of the Borgia Pope Alexander VI in the Church of Santa Maria in Monserrato degli Spagnoli in Rome.

He was using the same Druidic book of black magic spells with which he had summoned Adolf Hitler’s ghost to summon the ghost of Rodrigo Lanzol Borgia (January 1st 1431- August 18th 1503) known to history as the notorious and infamous Pope Alexander VI (who reigned as Pope from August 11th 1492- August 18th 1503).

As the Church bells of Rome tolled at the announcement of John Paul II”s beatification, the ghost of Rodrigo Lanzol Borgia (Pope Alexander VI) appeared to a smiling Herr Hans.

Behind Borgia’s ghost was a horned figure who spoke the same words that Giovanni di Lorenzo de’ Medici (later Pope Leo X) spoke at the time of Rodrigo Lanzol Cardinal Borgia’s election as Pope Alexander VI,

“Now we are in the power of a wolf, the most rapacious perhaps that this world has ever seen. ”

Above the tomb of Alexander VI, these words were burned in the air (a paraphrase of the second sentence of Giovanni di Lorenzo de’ Medici’s statement upon Borgia’s election as Pope Alexander VI),

“And citizens of Urbi et Orbi (the city and the world) if you do not flee, he will inevitably devour you all.”

To be continued.

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