Jane Austen Meets Dracul Van Helsing
Writer Jane Austen on a warm spring day
It was a warm spring day and Jane Austen was doing some sketching before applying watercolours.
Within a few seconds Jane noticed a man appearing out of nowhere on the stone walkabout around the lake.
The man was Dracul Van Helsing time traveller from the future.
Van Helsing had recently been watching Sanditon (a British television series based on Jane Austen’s unfinished novel) on PBS via satellite.
He was also a big fan of Austen’s novels Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Persuasion and Emma.
After having watched Tom Jones the new British drama on PBS’ Masterpiece Theatre (based on Henry Fielding’s classic 1749 novel) last night, Van Helsing reflected on the state of the world in the dystopian 2020s.
He had a further discussion with the ghost of Orson Welles on the subject this morning and decided to take the Tesla-Houdini-Pantages-Welles-Lamarr Prototype Film 🎞️ Projector (an instrument of time travel) to England 🏴 in the year 1804 when Jane Austen would have been 28.
Van Helsing pushed a button on the Tesla-Houdini-Pantages-Welles-Lamarr Prototype Film Projector and vanished into the mists of time.
Welles’ ghost was immediately worried that the charming sex addict Van Helsing might thoroughly charm Jane Austen and Jane Austen succumbing to his charms would end up being deflowered.
For Van Helsing had had his way with many beautiful goddesses and vampiresses although of course you couldn’t accuse Van Helsing of deflowering any of them like Hera, Aphrodite and Isis for instance although he had deflowered the virgin goddesses Athena and Artemis (which ticked their father Zeus off to no end).
The ghost of Orson Welles quickly hurried to Set Enterprises’ Laboratories where Set Enterprises’ Chief Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher was working.
Rocher had made a small replica of the Tesla-Houdini-Pantages-Welles-Lamarr Prototype Film Projector 🎞️.
Welles borrowed the replica from Rocher, pushed a button on it and went back in time to the exact date and place where Dracul Van Helsing was hoping to encounter Jane Austen.
. . .
King Charles III, who was busy preparing for his coronation this coming Saturday, was also reading a report on what had transpired in Vienna yesterday.
British MP Renfield R. Renfield, who was holidaying in Vienna after co-chairing a secret conference of peace talks between Russia 🇷🇺 and Ukraine 🇺🇦, had been involved in a shoot out with American Deep State operatives yesterday.
Renfield of course had been involved in shoot outs with numerous American Deep State operatives while the conference was going on.
The directors of the American Deep State were horrified that someone had actually taken out many of their operatives.
Just like the directors of the American Deep State were horrified that Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had announced that he was running for the U.S. Democratic Party nomination against their puppet Joe Biden.
They heard from a little bird (a canary that was a cocaine addict and owned by Hunter Biden) that Renfield would be leaving Vienna for London yesterday.
So the American Deep State resolved to ambush Renfield on the streets of Vienna as he took a taxi from his hotel to the airport.
666 American Deep State operatives were dispatched for the operation.
And the end result was that 666 American Deep State operatives now lay dead on the streets of Vienna.
“Vienna is like a shooting gallery,” Dr. Henry Kissinger remarked as he watched the operation on YouTube livestream.
As for the 666 dead American Deep State operatives, as a result of Joe Biden’s gender inclusion and diversity policies, they were all men wearing dresses, make up and high heels.
. . .
“Our nation’s public libraries are now deprived of an enormous amount of storybook readers for children,” Joe Biden had tears in his eyes as he looked at the photos of the dead American Deep State operatives on the streets of Vienna.
. . .
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was back home in London and was currently being interviewed on Livestream by truly traditional Catholic media podcaster Taylor Marshall from the U.S.
Renfield was wearing a t-shirt that said I’D RATHER BE A KEYBOARD WARRIOR THAN A KEYBOARD PANSY.
The quote was in answer to an idiotic statement made by satanic AntiPope Jorge Mario Bergoglio (aka Pope Francis) a few weeks ago.
Of course Bergoglio has a habit of making nothing but idiotic statements (which is why he is acclaimed as a genius by globalist elitists and the brainless mainstream media) so researchers had some difficulty tracking down the original idiotic quote.
On his plane ride back from Hungary 🇭🇺 to Rome yesterday, Bergoglio was trying to take credit for the recent Vienna secret conference of Russian-Ukrainian peace talks.
Even though Samhain Cardinal Salaman (who happened to be the sole heterosexual administrator in Pope Francis’ Vatican) had started the talks without Francis’ consent.
. . .
The ghost of Orson Welles found Dracul Van Helsing with his head on the lap of Jane Austen.
No longer did Jane Austen have a sketch pad on her lap.
As in the above picture.
Instead it was Dracul Van Helsing who was having his forehead stroked by Miss Austen.
Welles’ ghost had a large rolling pin in hand ready to hit Van Helsing over the head should he make an attempt to deflower Miss Austen.
But he did not.
Instead they had a long and witty conversation.
With deep penetrating insight into art, literature and philosophy.
Finally Jane Austen said, “I must return home. My father, sister and brothers are expecting me for dinner.”
Van Helsing helped her gather up her sketch pad, watercolours and paint brushes.
Jane Austen walked off into the forest.
Welles’ ghost went forward in time before Van Helsing had a chance to see him.
When Welles’ ghost returned, Amadeus Emanon asked him, “So who is Dracul Van Helsing like in relation to Jane Austen? Alexander Colbourne? Or Sir Edward Denham?”.
Welles’ ghost lit a cigar, poured himself a glass of wine 🍷 and took a long pause before answering the question.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 1st
2023.
Pan Goatee Beheads A Bunch of Uglos On 100th Anniversary of Yankee Stadium’s Grand Opening
Pan Goatee goes for a walk in the woods where he hopes he won’t run into any uglos like he would on city streets and buses.
World famous genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was in a donair shop enjoying one of their beef donairs.
He then went to the washroom to wash his hands because the sauce on the donair was quite drippy.
When he exited, lo and behold, a really repulsive fat ugly blimp had entered the restaurant.
Goatee was so repulsed by the fat ugly blimp’s sheer ugliness that he barfed 🤮 into the garbage can.
While Pan was busy barfing 🤮 into the garbage can over the severe shock to both his eyes and his overall physical health, his companion Jarod Jerome Le Gnome punched the repulsive fat ugly blimp in her repulsive fat ugly face 999 trillion times.
Goatee had finished barfing and reached for his astral laser machete.
He beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces x infinity and beyond x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x ad nauseum etc. etc. so fast that if the great Irish-Jewish American science-fiction writer George Finneganberg had been there, his fingers moving his abacus 🧮 beads would have had to move at an incredible practically impossible warp speed in order to keep up.
Gnarlton Gnome Gnash filmed the whole thing livestream on the Dark Web.
Upon exiting the restaurant after a Latin Tridentine Mass exorcist had exorcised the donair shop door, Goatee then went to a store to buy a couple of bottles of Coca-Cola.
As a noted Australian lyricist, songwriter and poet once said, “Beheadings go better with Coke.”
Although the Australian poet’s drag queen adopted uncle Uncle Ernie was still reluctant to meet Pan Goatee.
Goatee then headed to a bus stop where a fat ugly blimp and her two brats were busy crossing the street.
Pan beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
He then beheaded her two brats and cut them up into 999 trillion pieces each because as the satyr noted, “Ugliness is carried in the DNA.”
Or as the great Canadian hypnotherapist Chris Noonan once noted, “Do you know why there’s ugly people in the world? They all have ugly parents.”
Pan then approached the bus stop where yet another fat ugly blimp was coming at him having just got off a bus.
Goatee beheaded the fat ugly blimp and likewise cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
Krampus the Austro-Hungarian and Bavarian demon (who carried the remains of all the beheaded and dismembered uglos down to Tartarus) was having to move at warp speed just to keep up with all the beheadings.
Soon Pan’s neighbourhood bus arrived.
He got on and on the bus sat a repulsive 🤢 fat ugly blimp.
Goatee barfed 🤮 into the fare box and then walked down the aisle to the obese uglo’s seat and beheaded the fat ugly blimp.
Followed by cutting her up into 999 trillion pieces.
Goatee then sat and waited with trepidation as the bus approached the bus stop he had named Uglo Central.
Because the past dozen times his neighbourhood bus stopped at this stop, it was inevitable that some repulsive looking uglo who no doubt self-identified as human (although the Watcher Angels of Genesis Chapter 6 and the 1st Book of Enoch would probably vigorously disagree) got on the bus.
As the bus approached the Uglo Central stop, sure enough, it looked like a thin ugly stoat and her moronic low IQ boyfriend were about to get on.
Pan got off the bus first and then beheaded both thin ugly stoat and moronic low IQ boyfriend.
He then cut up uglo and moron into 999 trillion pieces each.
Goatee then used a series of back alleys to walk all the way home in hopes he wouldn’t be running into any uglos which it seemed to be his bad luck to do so today.
Thankfully he did not.
When Goatee returned home, he noticed a button on his astral laser machete that he hadn’t noticed before.
The satyr pressed the button.
He was instantly transported in time and space to New York’s Yankee Stadium 🏟️ 100 💯 years ago today.
For it was 100 years ago today (April 18th 1923) that the first ever game was played at New York’s Yankee Stadium for its grand opening. Babe Ruth hit a home run and the Yankees beat the Boston Red Sox 4-1.
“Wow, not an ugly looking woman in the stadium 🏟️,” Pan stated as he looked around and cheered as Babe Ruth hit a home run.
Seated next to him was the 17th Doctor Who, who Pan noticed, was none other than American humourist and author Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens).
Twain-Clemens-Who was seated inside his TARDIS Police Call Box.
The person sitting behind Twain-Clemens-Who in the stands was complaining about not being able to see.
Pan looked inside the TARDIS Police Call Box and noticed an entire Mississippi river boat steam paddler.
Inside the steamboat dining room/entertainment section were a group of can-can girls performing.
Bill Clinton was sitting there in skin tight blue jeans 👖 sporting an erection (albeit a small one) while Hillary was hitting him over the head with a frying pan.
“The reason why so many women in your time are quite repulsively ugly,” Twain-Clemens-Who explained, “is because they have all absorbed the teachings of radical feminism which has made them uglier than Hell. Then the past 30 years they have absorbed the teachings of critical race theory crap 💩, critical gender theory crap 💩 and critical non-binary freak and weirdo theory crap 💩 which has made them all super uglier than Hell.”
Twain-Clemens-Who had spoken the truth.
So Canada’s imbecilic bedwetting Neo-Stalinist tyrant Justin Trudeau immediately labelled it a “conspiracy theory”.
-written Tuesday April 18th 2023.
Princess Ankhesenamun and The Ashes of Judas Iscariot
The Egyptian vampire Princess Ankhesenamun (the wife and half-sister of the Boy King Pharaoh Tutankhamen) in contemporary dress at an archaeological dig in modern Israel
The Egyptian vampire Princess Ankhesenamun had accompanied the vampire archaeologist Dr. Edgar Lovecraft Ashbury (who was the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s personal archaeologist) on an archaeological dig in Israel.
Even though Israeli police had clashed with Palestinian demonstrators at the Al-Aqsa Mosque on the Temple Mount in East Jerusalem for two days straight this week, even though Hamas had fired rockets on Israel from both Gaza and Lebanon, even though Israel had retaliated with missile strikes of its own, even though 2 young female British nationals had been shot to death in their car by terrorists, even though the Middle East seemed to be going up in flames 🔥, Princess Ankhesenamun was hoping to spend her Friday night dancing at a nightclub in Tel Aviv once Dr. Edgar Lovecraft Ashbury had finished his archaeological dig for the day.
Princess Ankhesenamun waiting for Dr. Edgar Lovecraft Ashbury to finish his archaeological dig for the day so she can go dancing 💃 at a nightclub in Tel Aviv.
The last time Ankhesenamun had felt this gitty was when she had been dancing aboard a ship called the RMS Titanic back in 1912 and a rather rude and inconsiderate iceberg 🧊 had put a damper on her evening plans.
“I found an urn ⚱️ that says This contains the ashes of Judas Iscariot,” Dr. Edgar Lovecraft Ashbury cried out.
“I lost my last bag of potato chips in the Valley of the Shadow of Death,” another archeologist called out.
Meanwhile in the halls of the Vatican, the ghost of Judas Iscariot who had been wandering the halls of the Vatican for quite a while now (he had been dispensationally released from Tartarus by Hades the Greek god of the Underworld at the request of a very high ranking Vatican official) was suddenly informed by the Egyptian jackal god Anubis that the remains of his body (his ashes) had been found.
At a hotel room in Rome, Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol was flipping through the cable channels on his room’s TV 📺.
One channel he flipped to had Alfred Hitchcock beginning his old 1955-65 television series Alfred Hitchcock Presents with the words “Good evening…”
And thus began an episode of horror and suspense.
The next channel he flipped to was a documentary on Pope Francis and the scene he had flipped to showed Jorge Mario Bergoglio entering the balcony above Saint Peter’s Square minutes after he had been elected Pope on the night of March 13th 2013.
The first words Bergoglio spoke to the crowd and the opening words of his pontificate were “Buono sera…”
Which is Italian for “Good evening…”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 7th
2023.
The Mummy’s Curse
The Mummy’s Ghost of Kharis was successfully sacrificed by a demon possessed elk in the CERN tunnel in Switzerland but The Flintstones Police Choir sing A Happy Anniversary in relation to the mummy’s curse of another mummy King Tut
It was 100 years ago today (April 5th 1923) that the legend of the mummy’s curse of King Tut’s tomb began with the death of George Edward Stanhope Molyneux Herbert the 5th Earl of Carnarvon (the financier behind the Howard Carter expedition that discovered King Tut’s tomb) from a fatal mosquito bite.
Not one to say Never Say Die, Kharis, unlike Tut, returned from the dead and carried off a beautiful woman on a Louisiana plantation.
Meanwhile Disney released the documentary film The Pope Answers on its channels today.
In the film Francis tells a group of teenagers in one scene that “using [gay sex hook up apps like] Tinder is normal” and the Church’s teaching on sex is “still in diapers”.
Speaking from the Hofburg Palace in Vienna where he is attending a conference, British MP Renfield R. Renfield said, “It is somehow appropriate that this documentary on Francis is being released on Wednesday in Holy Week- the day that Judas Iscariot went to the Sanhedrin to betray Christ.”
A person dressed as Mickey Mouse and wearing Sanhedrin high priestly garb was at that moment presenting Jorge Mario Bergoglio with a huge cheque for $30 billion according to a vision that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster 🦞 was having.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 5th
2023.
Renfield’s Podcast For Thursday March 16th 2023
An oil painting 🖼️ on display at The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London.
Famed London art curator Dashwood Forrest was having an exhibit of 19th Century oil paintings in his gallery.
He was also listening to British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s Thursday night podcast.
Said Renfield, “The reason Canada’s air headed Defence Minister Anita Anand and her boss Canadian Neo-Stalinist tyrant Justin Trudeau want regime change in Moscow has nothing to do with Ukrainian nationhood 🇺🇦 or killing Ukrainian citizens. It has everything to do with the fact that Putin won’t let the perverts in the Alphabet Soup community pridefully parade 🏳️🌈 in the streets of Moscow and Saint Petersburg. For most leaders and politicians in the Western world, catering to the whims and desires of the perverts in the Alphabet Soup community has become a psychotic and neurotic obsession for them and to stand up to the perverts in the Alphabet Soup community is a sign of global high treason against the New World Order.”
Renfield moved on to another subject, “Pope Francis has said that the design of sacred architecture must flow from the Church’s liturgy. This may explain why so many architectural monstrosity looking churches have been built since the end of the Second Vatican Council.”
Said Dashwood Forrest who had excellent good taste in both art and architecture, “I couldn’t agree more.”
Meanwhile at a Roman Catholic Church not far from the art gallery a Thursday evening Mass was being held.
A priest dressed in a clown 🤡 suit and riding a tricycle around the Altar blew his nose and his tricycle horn loudly while a trio of singers dressed like psychedelic inhaling Woodstock hippies sang Puff The Magic Dragon.
Said a visiting Russian diplomat from the Russian Embassy in London, “I thought the Roman Catholic Mass was supposed to tie in with Christ’s Sacrifice On The Cross at Calvary. Did they do this at the foot of the Cross of Calvary?”.
“The pagan Romans and the treacherous High Priesthood of the Jerusalem Temple at the time probably did,” a woman sitting next to him answered.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 16th
2023.
Greek Goddess Aphrodite On A Train Plus 10th Anniversary of Pope Francis’ Election
The Greek goddess Aphrodite was riding a train to eventually get to Glastonbury Abbey.
The Greek goddess Aphrodite had a heard a tale currently circulating among some gods and goddesses that a descendant of King Arthur would someday be the Emperor of a revived Holy Roman Empire.
She endeavoured to look into the matter and decided to start by going to Glastonbury Abbey the alleged burial place of King Arthur and Queen Guinevere of Camelot.
Glastonbury Abbey was also believed to be close to the mythical mystical isle of Avalon where according to another legend King Arthur was just asleep 😴 💤 and resting and waiting to someday reign again on the throne of Britain.
Something that no doubt would come as a severe shock to His Majesty King Charles III if it were to happen in his lifetime.
It turns out Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was also riding this train because he had heard that the evil vampire Toulouse La Track (a vampire who rode aboard British Railway trains 🚊 and sucked the blood 🩸 of beautiful young women while showing them sketches for his paintings 🖼️ ) was aboard this train.
Dracul found Toulouse La Track’s cabin and killed him by staking him through the heart.
If Dracul had not staked and killed Toulouse La Track, the train’s conductor would have most likely done so as this would have been the 72nd time that the vampire 🧛♂️ had been caught riding without a bought and paid for British Rail ticket.
Dracul then set out to find his own train compartment.
He opened one door and saw Aphrodite:
Naturally Dracul Van Helsing being Dracul Van Helsing made out with her.
The ghost of Orson Welles walked in on the scene of the divine climax.
“Holy orgasm, Batman!” Said Welles’ ghost who had binge watched episodes of the 1960s American TV series Batman the night before.
. . .
“So he came with the king’s mandate, bringing nothing worthy of the high priesthood, but having the fury of a cruel tyrant, and the rage of a savage beast.”
-II Maccabees 4:25
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was doing his Monday night podcast on this evening of March 13th 2023, “Today is the 10th anniversary of the satanic AntiPope Jorge Mario Bergoglio being elected to the throne of Peter…”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 13th
2023.
Russian Vam₱iress Svetlana Kireeva and One Year of The Russia-Ukraine War
Set and Anubis Discuss The Demon Ahriman
The London based billionaire ancient Egy₱tian vam₱ire Set was having a meeting with his son Anubis the jackal headed Egy₱tian god to discuss the latter’s fact finding mission to the Middle East.
The A₱ostate Bisho₱ and The Ghosts of MacBeth and Lady MacBeth
Michelangelo the ₱sychic Lobster was in his aquarium at Set Enter₱rises Laboratories in London, England.
Dracul Van Helsing 
Renfield’s February 21st 2023 ₱odcast
February 21, 2023 at 9:24 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (Justin Trudeau, Paul Rouleau, Pope Francis, Renfield R. Renfield, Sir Winston Churchill, The Ghost of Sir Winston Churchill, The Odinesque NATO Gen. Vulkan, The Odinesque NATO Gen. Wolfgang Vulkan, Ukraine, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, Vampire Lev Tomi/Leon Trotsky, Volodymyr Zelensky, Winston Churchill)
British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield was doing a ₱odcast for this evening Tuesday February 21st 2023.
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