Pan Goatee Beheads 6 Yutes and A Fat Ugly Blimp Alcoholic In A Blizzard Along With A Joe Biden Admiring Reporter
Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was walking through a blizzard to pick up a couple of bottles of Coca-Cola Zero (the diet Coke that actually tastes like Coca-Cola Classic unlike the named Diet Coke with a large D).
When he arrived at the nearby small shopping centre, he was horrified to discover that the grocery store had closed (probably due to nobody visiting them in the blizzard).
There was a liquor store next door to them which was open (because as everybody knows in contemporary booze happy North American society, liquor stores never close no matter what the weather. They’re even open in hurricanes and asteroid strikes which was a good thing with the 99942 Apophis asteroid rapidly approaching Earth).
Goatee went in to buy Coca-Cola Zero.
As he was leaving, a hideously repulsive fat ugly blimp entered the liquor store mumbling to herself, “Need whisky. Desperately need whisky.”
“Oh Great God Zeus,” Goatee exclaimed, “Just what society needs at the moment. A fat ugly blimp alcoholic.”
Goatee immediately beheaded the fat uglo extra-large purveyor of distillery and brewery fumes thus saving people from blinding and killing themselves at some future Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
Nanites immediately came and ate the fat ugly blimp’s head and body.
Krampus the 2nd (a DARPA created genetic clone of the original Germanic demonic goat hybrid Krampus who appears in the former Germanic territories of the former Holy Roman Empire on Krampusnacht which is the evening before the Feast Day of Saint Nicholas) gathered up the 999 trillion remains of the fat ugly blimp alcoholic and put them in a bag and took them to Tartarus for cremation where the flames rose even higher due to the high alcohol intake.
Goatee continued down the blizzard laden street and noticed 6 yutes (what Joe Pesci’s Brooklyn lawyer character called “youths” during his first ever trial held in the Deep South in the 1992 film My Cousin Vinny) walking on the other side of the street.
“We don’t care what anyone says,” one of the 6 yutes shouted in a loud voice, “We’re going to continue to use sexist and racist terminlogy.”
“It’s bozos like you who are laying the groundwork for a Neo-Bolshevik Communist insurrection in the United States,” Goatee pointed out as he immediately beheaded the 6 yutes.
“Excuse me,” a Global News Canada reporter with a stupid looking expression on his face approached Goatee.
Of course almost all Global News Canada reporters have stupid looking expressions on their faces with the exception of a Vietnamese-Canadian female friend of a Calgary based geopolitical analyst who happened to work for Global News Calgary as a reporter.
One who when her local Calgary news stories are actually shown on Global News Canada National reports neither her name nor face is shown or her voice is heard to Global News Canada National audiences (thus showing the total racism and total hypocrisy of the politically correct Global News Canada Network whose political hero is the totally racist and totally hypocritical bozo with a “white savior’ complex Justin Trudeau).
“I noticed you beheaded those 6 yutes for being racist and sexist,” the Global News Canada reporter who was wearing a Joe Biden For President t-shirt pointed out, “yet aren’t you the satyr who goes around beheading ugly looking women? Isn’t beheading ugly women sexist?”.
“No you moron, that form of discrimination is called lookism,” Goatee answered as he beheaded the imbecilic Global News Canada reporter for his mental ineptitude, “If I was homosexual, I’d go around beheading ugly looking men. Just like when the bisexual writer Oscar Wilde (who’s one of my literary and Philosophy of Aesthetics heroes) was asked at his trial why he didn’t kiss a certain waiter at a certain hotel, Wilde answered, “Because he was too ugly.” So get your definition straight. It’s lookism not sexism. God knows, there are enough imbecilic reporters already in the world. Well, I guess there’s one less now.”
Goatee went home.
Goatee then watched on-line one of his favourite reporters, Detroit’s Michael Voris, a true objective journalist and not a Marxist partisan New World Order hack.
The photographic images on the screen behind Voris showed that birds of a feather flock together.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 10th
2020.
Justin Trudeau Encounters A Mesoamerican Deity In His Pot Smoking Antique Mirror
Justin Trudeau Encounters A Mesoamerican Deity In His Pot Smoking Antique Mirror
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau had cancelled a First Ministers’ emergency meeting with provincial premiers, territorial leaders and indigenous leaders to discuss the Coronavirus because he himself may have come down with the Coronavirus.
His wife Sophie Gregoire Trudeau had returned from a speaking engagement in London, England last night and had not been feeling well.
She self isolated while awaiting results from a test for Coronavirus.
Justin decided it might be a good example to self-isolate as well.
So he had spent the day re-enacting the Battle of Trafalgar with an armada of rubber ducks in his bathtub.
His wife Sophie had phoned him from the room next door an hour ago and said she had tested positive for the Coronavirus.
“Shit,” Justin thought to himself.
Now he might have to self-isolate a lot longer than he intended.
He walked out to the greenhouse to visit his marijuana inhaling and exhaling antique mirror named Magical Mystery Tour.
He was surprised to see the mirror was reflecting both himself and the greenhouse plants around the mirror instead of the mysterious rare and used book store at the corner of a foreboding dark alley and desolate fog filled street in London, England the way it usually did.
Since he could see his own reflection in the mirror tonight, he decided to put on some blackface since he always felt better wearing blackface for some reason.
A psychiatrist once told him that this feeling was probably due to “penis envy”.
Justin thought that was strange since he thought it was only some women who were prone to penis envy.
The Canadian Prime Minister noticed that the gardener had left the television on just above the coconut tree in the greenhouse.
It showed an old Tarzan movie whereby Tarzan was tied to a tree and an African tribal chief was holding up a 9 inch ruler and pointing at Tarzan and shaking his head and laughing.
“I wonder what message the universe will try to tell me tonight,” Justin thought as he reached for his box of black shoe polish that was hidden underneath the hyacinth plant.
Justin went over and looked at himself in the mirror and started putting the black shoe polish all over his face.
“I now look like Harry Belafonte,” the former drama teacher and amateur thespian grinned at himself in the mirror.
Soon his reflection vanished into the blackness of night emerging from the mirror.
An image of what looked to be a sinister Mesoamerican deity appeared in the mirror as huge whiffs of marijuana smoke came out of the wooden sides of the mirror.
The head of the deity was a sinister looking bluish green skull with a black stripe and a yellow stripe painted across his face.
His right foot was an obsidian mirror.
Although occasionally his right foot would metamorphose into a snake.
When this happened, the obsidian mirror would show up on the deity’s chest instead and sometimes smoke would emanate from the mirror.
Justin entered the antique late Victorian/early Edwardian mirror named Magical Mystery Tour and leaned his painted blackface down to inhale the pot smoke emanating from the obsidian mirror on the deity’s chest.
In the background behind the Mesoamerican deity, the Great Bear constellation shone brightly in the night sky.
In the Great Bear constellation directly behind the deity danced a spotted skin jaguar.
The jaguar sang his own paraphrased version of an old Harry Belafonte song,
“Night-o, night-o, night time come and you oughta go home…”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 12th
2020.
Carnevale In Venice: Masque of The Dread Death
Carnevale In Venice: Masque of The Dread Death
Coronavirus spreadsÂ
like jam on breadÂ
China, Iran, South Korea,
Northern Italy
Wide clusters of cases
Authorities decreeÂ
no carnevale masque balls
In VeniceÂ
The night before Ash WednesdayÂ
Thus Lent will arrive early for many
Mardi Gras in New Orleans
Parades and musicÂ
Party goers danceÂ
Voodoo spellsÂ
Driven away by sounds of jazz
Many dollars are spent on the French Quarter
In Canada, Shrove Tuesday
aka National Pancake Day
Justin Trudeau withÂ
post-Magical Mystery Tour pot smoke munchiesÂ
eats two dozen pancakesÂ
covered in patriotic maple syrupÂ
Goes to give speech on how to end child hungerÂ
Ends up with a loss for words
But in VeniceÂ
no joy on the canal
Coronavirus has come out
But the children of the nightÂ
are natural rebels
Like wolves outside a Transylvanian nobleman’s castleÂ
What music they make
They put on masks
Ladies in lovely Renaissance style evening gowns
Men wearing white wigsÂ
And wearing Age of Louis XIV attireÂ
likewise mask themselvesÂ
Rent gondolas
And sail canals of VeniceÂ
In defiance of authorities
Dance on the streets
One son of NightÂ
wearing a New York Knicks
t-shirt walks around singing,
“I am what I am”
On his face he wears the Greek mask of Comedy
At the back of his head the Greek mask of TragedyÂ
He goes up to people with his happy smiling laughing face
He touches them gently
They fall to ground dead
He walks awayÂ
And you can see the sad crying unhappy faceÂ
He goes into an elegant Venetian hotelÂ
And up to a room
Where he opens the door
And there is the Greek goddess Hera
The Queen of Olympus
Hera speaks,
Thanatos, son of Nyx,
You have turned a carnevale cruiseÂ
into Charon’s ferry ride across the Styx.
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 25th
2020.
Countess Draculina, Justin, A Gender Confused Wombat and A Pot Smoking Walrus
Countess Draculina, Justin, A Gender Confused Wombat and A Pot Smoking Walrus
Justin entered the mirror.
And felt the wet sand under his feet.
What happened to his shoes and socks he wondered?
The Basilides gnostic god Abraxas had them on his two feet (which were heads of serpents) in another dimension.
Walking through two inter-dimensional portal mirrors on the same night can cause stuff to go missing.
Which was always the noted Australian entertainer Uncle Ernie’s explanation whenever his g-string style jock strap fell off while he was on the stage in his drag queen show and the audience could see what he had (or lack thereof!).
Justin looked at the vampiress who stood before him.
“A little bird tells me that you’re the Countess Draculina the daughter of Count Dracula,” Justin spoke with his usual meandering manner of speaking.
Countess Draculina leaned forward and shouted “Boo!”.
The little hummingbird on Justin’s shoulder flew away.
“I didn’t know there was a full moon tonight,” Justin looked at the full moon and the Scottish castle behind Countess Draculina.
“That is an illusion,” Draculina laughed, “caused by a great searchlight (invented by Nikola Tesla) casting its full moon signal into the air.”
“Will signs and wonders never cease?” Justin used a fine tooth comb to remove gray hairs from his hair.
“Those signs and wonders will soon increase and increase,” Draculina licked the blood off her lips just as an Australian wombat (who was actually Uncle Ernie shapeshifting from another dimension) crawled up and licked the blood off her breasts atop her low-cut gothic attire mini dress.
“And what is the purpose of all these signs and wonders?” Justin asked as he inhaled pot smoke that was being exhaled by a pot smoking Arctic walrus that had just crawled on to the shore from the sea.
The ghost of John Lennon appeared on one of the high towers of the distant Scottish castle and began singing a paraphrased version of one of his old hits, “Imagine all the people worshipping the Antichrist… someday you’ll join us and the world will be as one.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by ChristopherÂ
Monday February 24th
2020.
Justin Discovers Kermit’s Law: It Isn’t Easy Being Green
Justin Discovers Kermit’s Law: It Isn’t Easy Being Green
Sophie Gregoire Trudeau (wife of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau) was in their family mansion in Ottawa when she suddenly noticed a light on in the greenhouse outside.
She hadn’t seen a light on in the greenhouse since the days her husband’s pet pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever inhabited the place.
Then the greenhouse light was on all the time whenever her husband was home.
Justin would go and inhale Strawberry Fields Forever’s exhaled pot smoke so he could truthfully tell the media that he didn’t personally smoke marijuana.
However that changed nearly a year ago when Chinese Communist agents from Beijing cactusnapped Strawberry Fields Forever from the greenhouse in retaliation for Canada’s arrest of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou.
Then over the summer, Strawberry Fields Forever finally ended up being murdered by his Chinese Communist captors since Meng Wanzhou still hadn’t been released from Canada.
Sophie was actually pleased when Strawberry Fields Forever had been cactusnapped because her husband stopped blabbing about getting advice from Gali-Gula the Caligula’s spirit possessed ET Gray from the planet Nibiru- an entity that her husband always saw whenever he inhaled pot smoke.
People might start thinking he was a lunatic if he engaged in such talk.
Sadly for her, Justin had recently decided to get Set Enterprises’ famous research scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher of London to genetically create a new pot smoking desert cactus plant for him.
With this in mind, Justin had sent Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman the pot smoking sheriff of Calypso’s Bosom (an Aquarian Age hippy commune on British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula- a sort of New Age equivalent of Scotland’s mythical mystical Brigadoon- with the cosmically inclined “far out” village emerging from its pot smoke filled mists once every 7 years) down to the Arizona desert to pick up a new cactus plant for Dr. Cadbury Rocher to clone.
Apparently Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman had cut off a slice of cactus from a cactus plant that the Hopi tribe of Arizona regarded as sacred.
The slice of cactus had been flown by Government of Canada jet from Arizona to London this past weekend.
It apparently took Dr. Cadbury Rocher approximately 4 to 6 weeks to genetically create a new pot smoking desert cactus plant.
Dr. Rocher did promise Justin however that he should have the new pot smoking desert cactus plant ready by Christmas.
It would definitely give the lines of that Christmas carol “Angels we have heard on high” a whole new meaning Sophie thought to herself when her husband Justin had told her the “good news”.
So if the pot smoking cactus plant wouldn’t be ready until Christmas, what were the lights doing on in the greenhouse? Sophie wondered to herself.
She went out to investigate.
She looked through the greenhouse window where she got the shock of her life.
She stormed through the greenhouse door.
“Justin, what the Hell do you think you’re doing?” Sophie called out angrily.
Justin was wearing a green turban on his head and had his face painted green with green face makeup.
He was inhaling marijuana smoke from a tiny desert cactus plant that was wearing a mini-skirt and giggling like a teen-aged school girl.
“Oh hi, dear,” the green-faced Justin Trudeau grinned, “this is Material Girl from Australia. She’s one of two original plant clippings off Strawberry Fields Forever that I had given to the noted Australian poet David Redpath. She and her twin brother Mellow Yellow.”
“And who is that mysterious looking gentleman?” Sophie pointed in the direction of a man wearing the robes of a Ming Emperor.
“That’s Mr. Inn Lu,” Justin explained, “He’s the one who flew Material Girl from Australia to Ottawa on his private jet at my request. I need to talk to Gali-Gula right away. And can’t wait until Christmas. So Inn Lu who’s a certified Dragon Master (don’t ask me what that is because I don’t know) and runs a recreational therapy spa in Sydney was kind enough to fly her here.”
“How do you know he runs a recreational therapy spa in Sydney?” Sophie asked her husband.
“Because that’s what it says on his business card,” Justin answered.
“Can I see your business card?” Sophie asked Inn Lu.
Inn Lu reached under his Green Dragon emblazoned black cap on top of his head and pulled out a business card.
Sophie looked at Inn Lu’s business card.
She then turned towards her husband and shrieked, “You idiot! He runs an opium den.”
“Well, smoking opium is a form of recreational therapy,” Justin smiled sheepishly.
“Don’t let Opposition Leader Andrew Scheer hear you say that,” Sophie shook her head in exasperation.
“Baa-baa-black sheep, have you any wool?” Material Girl started singing.
“Speaking of black sheep,” Sophie glared angrily at Justin, “What’s with the green turban and the green face? You told the media and the Canadian voters you’d never wear black face or brown face ever again.”
“And I’ve kept my promise,” Justin protested, “I never promised not to wear green face.”
“I never promised you a rose garden,” Material Girl sang, “along with the sunshine. There’s got to be a little rain sometimes.”
“Why are you wearing green face anyways?” Sophie asked.
“At Material Girl’s request,” Justin grinned, “She said she wouldn’t exhale pot smoke in my face unless I did so.”Â
The mysterious Mr. Inn Lu pulled a very large hourglass of sand out from under his robes and looked at the remaining small grains of sand that were left at the top about to filter through to the bottom of the hour glass, “Okay. Time to go, Material Girl. Your babysitter Uncle Ernie told me that the 48 hour All You Can Eat coupon he bought your owner Mr. David Redpath for the Road Kill Cafe (with food served fresh hourly) in the Australian Outback will be expiring soon. If he comes home and finds you missing again, Uncle Ernie will be in big trouble again. Time to head home.”
“Awww, shoot!” Material Girl pouted.
Despite her pouting, Inn Lu picked up Material Girl with his gloved hands and headed out to his private jet.
“Well, I guess no need now to ask you about the airplane parked in the driveway,” Sophie remarked to her green faced husband.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 18thÂ
2019.
Renfield, The Tobacco Chewing Man and Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman
Renfield, The Tobacco Chewing Man and Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting by the fireplace in a very comfortable sitting room in a lovely Bed and Breakfast place in the town of Tewkesbury.
He was sitting in an armchair, smoking a pipe, wearing a deerstalker cap and enjoying a glass of brandy.
“And how did your day on the campaign trail go today?” A cigar smoking and brandy drinking ghost of Sir Winston Churchill asked Renfield as he sat in the armchair across from him.
“Elementary, my dear Churchill,” Renfield remarked as he relit his pipe, “I visited a school and handed out milk and cookies to all the kids and took selfies with the teachers, parents and staff.”
“Are you still keeping track of geopolitics and international affairs as you go about seeking re-election?” Orson Welles’ enormously talented ghost took up most of the sofa as he smoked a cigar and drank a glass of red wine while sitting across from the fireplace.
“I am,” Renfield nodded, “I’ve discovered that there’s a U.S. deep state operative called the Tobacco Chewing Man who wants to annex a whole bunch of territory all over the world for the U.S.A. He wants to infiltrate the Alberta and Saskatchewan Western Canada independence movement and get them to join the U.S. He’s formed an alliance with the Lovecraftian Great Old One Cthulhu to annex Hong Kong and turn it into a U.S. territory with Cthulhu becoming the first state governor. They’re behind the most violent of the student rioters in Hong Kong. The Tobacco Chewing Man actually documented all his plans for U.S. annexation and world domination after he spent a year in jail following an unsuccessful beer hall putsch in Portland, Oregon. The book he wrote (while undergoing a severe bout of gout from overindulgence in eating roast beef and sirloin steak in a federal government run prison) he called Mein Kramp.”
. . .
Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman the Sheriff of the mysterious Aquarian Age hippy commune of Calypso’s Bosom on British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula (a mystical village that emerged from its marijuana pot smoking mists only once every 7 years) was down in the Arizona desert.
As he inhaled his Uncle Ernie’s Chemical of The Day that was mailed to him daily from Australia, he tried to remember what he was doing down in the Arizona desert.
Vultures flew over him and waited for him to die.
They’d have a long time to wait, Jackman thought to himself as he wiped the sweat off his forehead and helped himself to another bottle of Perrier Water from his golf cart.
His mule Saratoga moved on dragging the golf cart behind her.
It was then that Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman spotted a cactus.
Then it all came back to him now like Celine Dion in the middle of singing a hit song.
He was supposed to find a nice looking cactus plant for Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
That was his mission.
“A mission of vital national security,” as the Canadian Prime Minister put it to him in the Prime Minister’s Office on Parliament Hill in Ottawa.
“This is a nice looking cactus plant,” Jackman thought to himself.
He went over and cut off a slice of the cactus plant and put it in a planting pot on the golf cart (the planting pot had apparently been blessed by both Pope Francis and U2 singer Bono).
“Ouch!” Jackman suddenly exclaimed as the sensation of picking up the cactus slice in his bare hands suddenly reached the pain centers in his brain after the temporary delay caused by Uncle Ernie’s Chemicals of the Day.
He really should have worn gloves.
“That was a sacred cactus you cut off a part of,” a Hopi tribal elder approached him, “I hope you know what you’re doing.”
“I don’t,” said Jackman, “but thanks for letting me know.”
A U.S. Post Office Letter carrier who looked a lot like U.S. Postal Employee Norman Newman on the TV show Seinfeld approached the pair.
“Excuse me,” the vastly overweight and vastly sweating letter carrier said to them, “But I hope one of you gentlemen is Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman of Calypso’s Bosom.”
“I am,” Sheriff Jackman answered.
“Thank God,” the Newman lookalike wiped off all the sweat covering his body with his towel, “because I have a registered parcel for you from Uncle Ernie’s Chemical of The Day Club in the Australian Outback. Sign here please.”
Sheriff Jackman signed the form and took the parcel.
The vultures followed the letter carrier as he trudged off across the Arizona desert.
Meanwhile a Government of Canada jet landed nearby to pick up Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman and the slice of cactus plant.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 15th
2019.
One of the mirages that the Norman Newman lookalike U.S. Post Office letter carrier saw while trudging across the Arizona desert
Justin’s Proposed New Cactus, Bloc Québécois Asshole Blanchet and The Downing of Flight MH17
Justin’s Proposed New Cactus, Bloc Québécois Asshole Blanchet and The Downing of Flight MH17
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was having a meeting with Canadian New Democratic Party leader Jagmeet Singh to discuss what bills the New Democrats would be willing to support the Liberal minority government on in Parliament.
Towards the end of their meeting, Justin said, “You know Jagmeet, I really miss having the ET gray Gali-Gula who was possessed by the spirit of the ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula as my advisor. But I could only see him if I inhaled marijuana smoke. So I used to own a pot smoking desert cactus plant that I named Strawberry Fields Forever and I would inhale the pot smoke that he exhaled. But then poor Strawberry Fields Forever was cactusnapped by Chinese Communist agents after Canada arrested Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou last year. Then recently poor Strawberry Fields Forever was brutally murdered by the same Chinese Communist agents after I accidentally got a shot of testosterone and started talking tough against the Beijing government. However I’m thinking of asking Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher in London to genetically create another pot smoking desert cactus plant for me so I can inhale the cactus’ exhaled pot smoke and I can once again start seeing the ET gray Gali-Gula who comes from the planet Nibiru. Do you think that’s a good idea? Do you think I should do it?”.
Jagmeet Singh,who looked totally shocked by the Prime Minister’s statement, gulped a few times and then said (very anxious to get out of the room with the said lunatic), “Sure, why not?”.
. . .
The anal retentive and extremely constipated Bloc Québécois leader Yves-Francois Blanchet left a meeting of the Bloc Québécois Party caucus on Parliament Hill in Ottawa when he was approached by the Press.
The press mentioned that Albertans did not take kindly to his remarks about Alberta’s role in the Canadian Federation.
Being a typical pompous arrogant French-Canadian politician, he Blanchet naturally did not take well to criticism and threw a hissy fit and temper tantrum whenever he was criticized (prompting one Alberta commentator to wonder whether Donald Trump did not have some French-Canadian in him?).
Foamed Blanchet, “Alberta can go drown in its oil. And as far as I’m concerned, I will have my cake and eat it too.”
Well Blanchet did not get a cake.
But he did get a cream pie thrown in his face by an invisible entity.
Although one of the Parliamentary security guards who had been drinking Harvey Wallbangers on the job swore that it was a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit with big floppety ears that threw the cream pie into the Bloc Québécois leader’s face.
. . .
Russian President Vladimir Putin was standing in his study admiring his collection of antique Bavarian beer mugs on one of his shelves.
The Russian leader turned and suddenly noticed a drone firing bullets come straight at his study window.
Putin ducked to avoid getting hit by the bullets.
The drone bullets shot up his antique Bavarian beer mugs.
“My priceless collection of antique Bavarian beer mugs,” Putin cried.
The Russian leader had an idea who was responsible for the attack.
That odious troublemaker Renfield R. Renfield (who was now a member of the British Parliament) had sworn that if Russia had been involved in the downing of Malaysian Airlines Flight MH17 (Renfield had several Malaysian friends), he Renfield would be coming after Putin with a vengeance.
Today a Netherlands based international inquiry into the downed airline announced that it had uncovered phone taps showing that high-level Russian officials were directing Russian separatist rebels in eastern Ukraine into downing the plane with a missile over rebel held territory back on July 17th 2014.
The Russian Foreign Ministry had vigorously denied the findings.
But of course Putin realized that Renfield was enough of a geopolitical analyst to realize that governments always lie when they’re caught with their pants down in incidents of wrongdoing.
It didn’t take long for Renfield to enact his revenge.
And now Putin’s priceless antique Bavarian beer mug collection was gone.
As he held tiny pieces in his fingers, the Russian leader realized that Scotch tape and fast acting Krazy Glue wouldn’t be enough to put the collection back together again.
“Renfield must pay for this,” Putin said (although he said it in Russian).
-A vampire novel chapter
written by ChristopherÂ
Thursday November 14th
2019.
Donald Trump and The Tobacco Chewing Man
Donald Trump and The Tobacco Chewing Man
Donald Trump was sitting at his desk in the Oval Office and wondering who this Voldemort guy was that some writer called J.K. Rowling just compared him to.
In walked a man in a long raincoat and hat and who was busy chewing tobacco.
The man spit the tobacco into Trump’s garbage can and then stuck another piece of chewing tobacco in his mouth.
“Who the Hell are you?” Trump asked.
“I’m the deep state operative they call the Tobacco Chewing Man,” the tobacco chewing man replied.
“How the Hell did you get a name like Tobacco Chewing Man?” Trump inquired as the deep state operative spit chewing tobacco into the Donald’s gold coloured toupee.
“Well remember that deep state operative on that ’90s TV show The X-Files they called the Cigarette Smoking Man?” The operative took another wad of chewing tobacco and put it in his mouth, “That inspired my colleagues to call me the Tobacco Chewing Man.”
“Deep state operative eh?” Trump was suspicious, “Are you one of those trying to overthrow me?”.
“I’ve got better things to do with my time,” the deep state operative spit chewing tobacco all over Trump’s Rolex watch.
“Such as?” Trump inquired.
“Bringing the entire world under U.S. domination,” the Tobacco Chewing Man answered.
“You sound like my type of guy,” Trump smiled as his smart phone started playing the melody to Deutschland Deutschland Uber Alles as it rang.
Trump ignored the call.
“So what have you been up to?” Trump asked.
“I’ve been supporting rioters in Hong Kong and rioters everywhere else in the world,” the Tobacco Chewing Man spit tobacco all over Trump’s smart phone.
“Is this a good thing as far as the United States is concerned?” Trump asked.
“It is,” the Tobacco Chewing Man nodded.
“That’s good to know,” Trump wiped the tobacco off his smart phone.
The deep state operative then spoke, “I think we can steal a piece of territory from Canada.”
“We can?” Trump was curious.
“Yes, Yves-Francois Blanchet the leader of the separatist Bloc Québécois in the Canadian Federal Parliament today met with Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau,” the Tobacco Chewing Man switched over to chewing gum since his doctor was concerned about his overuse of tobacco products, “and according to the Canadian news media, both men found they had a lot in common in their political beliefs.”
“How does this concern the United States?” Trump moved over his pen and pencil stand that was Made In China.
“Blanchet says he doesn’t support making Alberta and Western Canada feel more at home in the Canadian Federation or giving them more power,” said the Tobacco Chewing Man.
“That would have probably gone over like a lead balloon in the province of Alberta,” Trump noted in a rare intelligent observation on his part.
“Exactly,” the Tobacco Chewing Man smiled, “Alberta Premier Jason Kenney noted that the province of Quebec doesn’t mind taking billions of dollars in equalization payments from Alberta’s oil coffers so they can fund their secularist Jacobin French Revolutionary state that stomps on the rights of Muslims and Christians alike but they won’t lift a finger to help Alberta overcome its current economic malaise.”
“Sounds like a recipe for disaster,” Trump admitted.
“There was a growing call for Alberta independence in the wake of last month’s Canadian Federal election which saw Justin Trudeau returned to power,” the Tobacco Chewing Man explained, “I say we infiltrate that movement and get them to join the U.S. instead. Then we’ll definitely have a major supply of the world’s oil with the Athabasca oil sands now being on American soil.”
“That sounds like a brilliant idea,” Trump admitted.
“Of course it is,” the Tobacco Chewing Man smiled, “I was the man who came up with it.”
“I wonder why Melania gave Justin Trudeau such a smile and a glint in her eye the night they said good-bye at the G-7 Summit,” Trump mused aloud.
“Maybe because he was banging her the night before,” said the Tobacco Chewing Man.
“What?” Trump’s face turned fiery red.
“Deep state operatives spotted a man with white arms but black face and wearing a turban and singing Al Jolson minstrel songs entering Melania’s bedroom the night before,” the Tobacco Chewing Man noted.
“Fuck!” Trump pounded his desk angrily.
The Tobacco Chewing Man smiled.
He had Trump where he wanted him.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 13th
2019.
More of Pan Goatee’s Aesthetic Cleansing, Baphomet In Ottawa and Hel In London
More of Pan Goatee’s Aesthetic Cleansing, Baphomet In Ottawa and Hel In London
Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee had happily strolled into a shopping mall’s food court when suddenly his eyes were visually assaulted by the hideous repulsive sight of a fat ugly blimp, her equally hideous and repulsive thin ugly stoat looking younger sister and her younger brother (who though not ugly had a look of extreme stupidity on his face).
Goatee immediately beheaded the fat ugly blimp remarking, “Who keeps letting the dogs out in this city?”.
The satyr then used his astral laser machete to behead the thin ugly stoat looking younger sister commenting, “I hope you realize that New Age guru Anthony Robbins’ Develop A Sense of High Self-Esteem crap definitely doesn’t apply to you.”
As he kicked the heads into the nearby garbage can, Goatee then turned his attention to the stupid looking younger brother.
“Now you’re not ugly,” Goatee noted as he beheaded the kid, “but judging from the stupid looking expression on your face, I’d say you’d more than likely have carnal relations with an ugly looking woman that I dare say your most likely equally stupid looking father did allowing more ugly offspring to enter the world contributing to the aesthetic pollution of this planet. The Amazon rainforests are burning and brainless men are having sex with uglos. What is this world coming to?”.
. . .
What the world was coming to was that Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau would not be marching with the demon Baphomet at the front of the Gay Pride Parade in Ottawa tomorrow as he would be attending the G-7 Summit in France.
He had been walking with Baphomet at the front of Gay Pride Parades in cities across Canada all summer.
A chapter of the Satanic Temple that had started up in Ottawa recently and had held a satanic Black Mass in the Canadian capital a couple of weeks ago did err when they said it was their actions that were responsible for Baphomet participating in the Gay Pride Parade in Ottawa tomorrow.
As Baphomet had been doing it with the Canadian Prime Minister in numerous cities across Canada all summer.
Although tomorrow he would be doing it by himself.
Besides the satanic Black Mass held in Ottawa a couple of weeks ago was not actually supernaturally efficacious as the person presiding over the ceremony was not a defrocked Catholic priest.
These days most Satan worshipping Catholic priests were not defrocked.
They were either promoted to the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops or even elevated to the Vatican College of Cardinals.
The only exception to this rule was Theodore (ex-Cardinal) McCarrick who was defrocked by Pope Francis earlier this year.
That was because the ex-Cardinal McCarrick had committed the unforgivable ecclesiastical sin of actually being caught for his actions.
Had that not happened, McCarrick would have probably continued to negotiate treaties as bad as the recent Vatican-Beijing Pact which placed the Catholic Church in China under the control of the totalitarian despot Xi Jinping.
The same of course applied to Mossad operatives and blackmail and extortion provocateurs such as Jeffrey Epstein.
You can do reprehensible actions but make sure you don’t get caught for them.
Meanwhile one of Justin Trudeau’s butt kissing cabinet ministers Ralph Goodale the Minister of Public Safety (a ministry whose name was no doubt inspired by Robespierre’s Committee of Public Safety) had recently tweeted a video showing Canadian Federal Conservative Party leader Andrew Scheer giving a speech in the House of Commons as a freshman MP from 15 years ago.
In the speech, Scheer pointed out that same-sex marriage couples were incapable of biologically reproducing children on their own (something which of course is a scientific fact and therefore peculiar to most Canadian Federal Liberals who are incapable of understanding scientific facts).
Scheer’s remarks caused a moronic spokescreature for Ottawa’s LGBTQ community to snivel that he/she/it found Scheer’s remarks deeply offensive (thus providing more solid empirical evidence for British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s claim that there are numerous idiots in the modern contemporary world who actually deserve to be offended).
. . .
Meanwhile at a cemetery in London, Hel the Norse goddess of the Underworld was sitting atop a grave waiting for the Norse trickster god Loki to show up for a meeting to discuss how they could arrange maximum chaos in both Britain and Europe in the event of a No-Deal Brexit.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday August 24th
2019.
Renfield Wears A T-Shirt and Signs Autographs
Renfield R. Renfield was the man of the hour in Britain after his successful appearance on a special PBS episode of Firing Line in which the ghost of William F. Buckley Jr. interviewed the MP.
Militant atheist Richard Dawkins (after an appearance in which he publicly burnt his jock strap that had on it a picture of Michelangelo’s Jehovah creating Adam as depicted on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel) issued a statement, “I have to admit I was impressed by the seeming authenticity of the show. It does look like an episode of Firing Line that would have been directed by Orson Welles had Mr. Welles ever directed an episode of Firing Line. And Buckley’s ghost does come across like Buckley’s ghost would if he ever did a posthumous interview as the interviewer. But as every person who has absorbed my intelligent insight and analysis of the cosmos knows, “There are no ghosts or vampires or mythological beings in actual existence. There is no Heaven, Hell or Purgatory. And there’s definitely no God.”
“I say,” Amadeus Emanon spoke to his girlfriend Angelique Dumont as he ate some popcorn and watched Dawkins on television, “If Dawkins as a militant atheist is burning his jockstrap with a picture of Michelangelo’s Creating Adam on it in imitation of the militant feminists of the late 1960s publicly burning their bras, now my knowledge of history might be somewhat misty but didn’t the militant feminists of the late 1960s at least take their bras off first?”.
“Oh shit,” Dawkins could be heard screaming as someone rushed forward with a fire extinguisher to extinguish his smouldering jockstrap.
“Maybe Dawkins will compose an atheist hymn with the lyrics Nearer My Jockstrap To Thee,” Renfield remarked as he signed autographs from adoring fans and wore a t-shirt that said,
GILLETTE:
The Fruitiest A Man Can Get.
Meanwhile American Catholic bishops and their priestly advisors were packing Gillette shaving products in their suitcases as they headed off to Rome for The Vatican Special Meeting On Predatory Pederast Priests.
. . .
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau looked at the RCMP report in front of him.
The report detailed the investigation into the abduction of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s personal pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever who had been kidnapped by the Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu (daughter of Dr. Fu Manchu) last December and would only be released when Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou was released fully from custody and not extradited to the U.S.
Justin missed his little cannabis pot smoking greenhouse buddy with the prickly needles and his whacky weedy smile.
But the RCMP were unable to find the lost 1960s hippy commune of Calypso’s Bosom on the Canadian West Coast’s Sechelt Peninsula where the marijuana smoking desert plant was being held.
Seeing as how the commune was an Age of Aquarius New Age equivalent of Scotland’s mythical mystical village of Brigadoon, that was no surprise.
. . .
Semiramis the Queen of Babylon to her date Dracul Van Helsing before going out: How do you like my high heeled shoes, Dracul darling?
The better to crush my ex-husband Nimrod the little green frog with, don’t you think?
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday February 10th
2019.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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