Michelangelo’s Vision of Rick Santorum’s Wife Being Shot

March 26, 2018 at 10:21 pm (Commentary, Crime, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Vision of Rick Santorum’s Wife Being Shot

Amadeus Emanon was in the Set Enterprises laboratory eating a dozen grilled cheese sandwiches and watching Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster who was in his aquarium playing with a waterproof Sherrielock Holmes leather skirted dominatrix Barbie doll.

Suddenly Michelangelo let out a penetrating screech which caused Amadeus to momentarily pause in the middle of eating one of his grilled cheese sandwiches 🥪.

Thirty seconds later Amadeus resumed eating as Michelangelo picked up a psychic vision from the future on his lobster antennae.

The vision was of British MP Renfield R. Renfield on his first political trip to America as a member of the British House of Commons.

Mr. Renfield was at a fancy cocktail 🍹 🍸 political reception in Washington DC.

Absent from the reception was Donald Trump because his hairpiece toupee had been stolen by a Kraken who had mistaken it for a fresh water nest of baby salmon eggs.

“Caviar is being served,” Lexington the White House valet announced.

Among the guests at the reception were former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum and his wife Karen Garver Santorum.

Mrs. Santorum went up to the table where caviar was being served when she was confronted by a man waving a gun.

The man had been diagnosed with a dozen different mental illnesses by psychiatrists at one of the country’s leading medical centres last year.

Last week he had been re-elected the Membership Secretary of his local chapter of the NRA.

And this morning he had purchased a dozen different assault rifles from a local store including the one he now pointed directly at Mrs. Santorum.

The man pressed the trigger eight times in rapid succession.

As FBI agents ran to tackle the man, Renfield spoke sharply to the mentally inept American politician Sen. Rick Santorum, “Don’t stand there like an idiot. Go perform CPR on your wife.”

“But… but… but..” Sen. Santorum stammered, “I’ve never taken a CPR course in my entire life.”

“You’re as useless as tits on a bull aren’t you?” Renfield handed Sen. Santorum his glass of champagne, “Here hold this.”

Renfield ran over to Mrs. Santorum saying, “I have taken a course in CPR.”

Then he glared angrily back at Sen. Santorum, “Shows the truth of that old saying… Those who can, do. Those who can’t, pontificate endlessly on one of many subjects they know nothing whatsoever about.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 26th
2018.

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Sherlock Holmes and The Zohar

March 5, 2017 at 4:47 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Religion, The Supernatural) (, , , , , , , )

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having a dream about Basil Rathbone as Sherlock Holmes and Nigel Bruce as Dr. Watson. In the dream, Holmes said to Watson:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

According to the Zohar the foundational text of Jewish mysticism, Watson, a seven-star system similar to our own will be discovered and then all Hell shall break loose.

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Hillary, Russia and Our Lady of Fatima

December 21, 2016 at 4:20 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was getting another transmission from the future on his lobster antennae.

Renfield R. Renfield watched the transmission appear on his computer screen.

In the transmission, Hillary Clinton was giving a speech and she was quoting the message of Fatima.

Said Hillary, “The Virgin Mary told the three shepherd children at Fatima that Russia would spread its errors throughout the world. And of course the biggest of Russia’s errors spreading throughout the world was me not becoming President of the United States.”

“Good God,” the atheistic Renfield gasped, “Now I’ve seen and heard everything.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 21st
2016.

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Michelangelo Peeks Into The Clintons’ Future

December 6, 2016 at 5:41 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Michelangelo Peeks Into The Clintons’ Future

Renfield R. Renfield asked Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster to peer into the future of Bill and Hillary Clinton to see what they’re up to.

Michelangelo’s vision would be transferred via his lobster antennae to a computer screen that Renfield was watching.

“It looks like the Clintons are having a wee bit of a tiff,” Renfield remarked as he gazed at the computer screen.

Hillary (screaming): Bill, anything you can do, I can do better.

Bill (answering back): Oh yeah. Well I got to be President of the United States and you didn’t. (sticks his tongue out) Nyaaah, nyaah, nyaah, nyaah! Ha! Ha!

(Hillary grabs a frying pan and hits Bill over the head with it)

Sound of Frying Pan (hitting Bill’s head): Clang!

(Bill falls to the floor unconscious)

(Hillary bangs a gong to call the Secret Service)

Sound of gong being struck by Hillary: Clang!

(A group of terrified Secret Service agents arrive in the room)

Hillary (pointing to her unconscious husband on the floor): Will you please pick Bill up and drag him out to the dog house in the back yard again and leave him there!

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 6th
2016.

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Pegasus Unveiled

November 19, 2016 at 6:19 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pegasus Unveiled

Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher had invited former British Prime Minister David Cameron on a tour of Set Enterprises’ Laboratories.

The sanity challenged scientist had run into the former British PM in a tea shop.

Mr. Cameron was looking depressed as a result of the fact he was no longer Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and as a result of the fact that the British people had voted for BREXIT even though he had personally campaigned for the United Kingdom to remain within the European Union.

To cheer Mr. Cameron up, Dr. Rocher invited him on a tour of his laboratories.

Rocher introduced Cameron to Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster who was wearing sunglasses and lying on the sand at the bottom of the aquarium reading a water proof copy of the magazine The Hot Looking Babes In Donald Trump’s Life.

“I think Michelangelo has been spending too much time with Renfield,” Dr. Rocher thought to himself when he noticed his genetically created psychic lobster’s choice of reading material.

David Cameron suddenly noticed a measuring gauge that said 30 trillion below zero.

“This gauge here,” David Cameron pointed to it, “that says 30 trillion below zero. What is it measuring?”.

“The collective IQ of the editors, columnists and reporters at the Washington Post newspaper,” Dr. Rocher replied.

“Really?” David Cameron was shocked, “how long has the gauge been showing that?”.

“Well it had hit a trillion below zero by the end of U.S. Election Night November 8th 2016,” Dr. Rocher replied, “and it’s been going down hill ever since.”

“I see they’re now saying,” Cameron stated referring to the pundits at The Washington Post, “that Trump won’t be bringing real change to Washington DC.”

“Yes,” Dr. Cameron smiled and nodded, “the same geniuses who had been saying all year that Trump would never win the Presidency.”

“You think Trump will bring real change to Washington DC?” Cameron queried.

“Yes,” Dr. Rocher answered in the affirmative, “Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster has been showing me visions of what America and the world will look like under a Trump Presidency. There’s real change a-coming.”

Cracks started to emerge in Michelangelo’s aquarium as the Psychic Lobster got a vision of well known London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes showing up on the floor of Congress during Trump’s 1st State of the Union Address.

As Dr. Cadbury Rocher led David Cameron through the maze of laboratories at Set Enterprises, they passed through the office of Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises.

Renfield wasn’t in his office at the moment. He was coaching an attractive young female Drama student at the University of London. He was playing the part of President Bill Clinton to her Monica Lewinsky.

“It’s a shame we have to ruin such a beautiful blue dress,” Renfield told her, “but nevertheless the Stanislavski method calls for realism.”

As Renfield was busy producing an unpatented brand of mouthwash, Dr. Rocher used Renfield’s absence in the office to briefly watch BBC World News on Renfield’s high-definition television screen.

BBC Reporter: Hello, this is Nigel Roberts reporting for BBC News in New York City. At tonight’s impromptu anti-Trump rally in Central Park, something unusual is occurring. There are reports of a moustached man with a British accent appearing to ugly looking women at the rally and saying to them, “My God, but you’re ugly.” The ugly looking women are then beheaded by another man who is wearing Bermuda shorts here on this cold mid-November night in New York City and who is reported to have hairy goats’ legs as well as hooves for feet.

BBC News Anchorwoman Geeta Guru-Murthy (interjecting from BBC Central Studios in London):

Nigel, we’re getting reports that the entire New York City membership of the Facebook group Pantsuit Nation has been wiped out. Is that correct?

Nigel Roberts: That is correct, Geeta. The entire membership was decapitated just within the past hour by the said individual with Bermuda shorts and hairy goats’ legs. Wait a minute, I think I can see that machete wielding individual now. Yes… it’s… I do believe it’s Pan Goatee the famous serial killer whose specialty is killing ugly looking women in what he has called his “one man crusade to make the world a more beautiful place in which to live.”

Geeta Guru-Murthy: Nigel, can you get an interview with him?

Nigel Roberts: Pan Goatee is within range of the camera now. Pan, Pan, Pan, can you say a word to our audience here on BBC World News?

Pan Goatee (grinning): Sure, Nigel, I’ve always got plenty of time to talk to the media.

Nigel Roberts: Now, Pan, one mystery has been solved at this anti-Trump rally in Central Park tonight. You’re obviously the individual who’s been seen beheading ugly looking women at this rally…

Pan Goatee: That’s correct, Nigel. As Seinfeld’s Cosmo Kramer might well put it, “There aren’t as many Hillary Clinton supporters as there used to be.”

Nigel Roberts: And Pantsuit Nation is gone?

Pan Goatee (grinning): Pantsuit Nation is gone. Only headless corpses in pantsuits will be seen walking the fashion runways and catwalks in New York this autumn.

Nigel Roberts: But the one question I do have is, if you’re the one doing the beheadings, then who is the moustached gentleman with the British accent saying to these ugly women, “My God, but you’re ugly” just before you decapitate them?

Pan Goatee: Well, as you know, Nigel, I’ve been working on developing my psychic abilities. As you know, I can astral project and I can also create an astral laser beam machete with my mind. I’ve also been working on producing holographic images with my mind.

Nigel Roberts: Really?

Pan Goatee: Yes and Donald Trump’s lovely daughters, particularly the lovely Ivanka, have been helping me with my cultural development. And part of that cultural development has been watching the popular 1970s British comedy Fawlty Towers with John Cleese as Basil Fawlty.

Nigel Roberts: I loved that show.

Pan Goatee: Anyways you may recall that episode where John Cleese as Basil Fawlty is in an hospital room and he says to some nurse, “My God, but you’re ugly”.

Nigel Roberts: Oh yes, I remember that episode very well.

Pan Goatee: I laughed for hours when I heard that line. That’s what gave me the inspiration to produce with my mind a holographic image of John Cleese as Basil Fawlty saying to these ugly women, “My God, but you’re ugly” just before I behead them. It’s sort of a unique comedic dramatic way of adding insult to injury.

Nigel Roberts (smiling at the camera): Well mystery solved, Geeta.
It’s Pan Goatee beheading the ugly looking women at these anti-Trump rallies. And it’s a holographic image of John Cleese as Basil Fawlty saying to these ugly women, “My God, but you’re ugly” just before they’re beheaded.

Geeta Guru-Murthy: So your report there from the anti-Trump rally in Central Park, Nigel, is ugly women are dead and Pantsuit Nation is gone.

Nigel Roberts (grinning): That’s correct, Geeta.

Geeta Guru-Murthy (smiling at the camera) : Well with that in mind, it makes me glad that I’m beautiful and glad that I’m wearing a skirt this evening.

Former British Prime Minister David Cameron looked at the TV screen in total shock.

Said Cameron, “It’s like a combination of a slasher horror film and one of those futuristic science-fiction movies. A satyr serial killer beheading ugly women. And a holographic image of John Cleese as Basil Fawlty saying to them, “My God, but you’re ugly” just before they’re beheaded. It’s incredible.”

“It is and of course being female,” Dr. Rocher pointed out, “they’re probably more upset by the words thrown at them in the last moment of their mortal life than they are about being beheaded.”

“Undoubtedly,” David Cameron wholeheartedly agreed.

Dr. Rocher then led Cameron to his next laboratory where there was a screen in front of a large glass enclosure.

“And now, Mr. Cameron, I present to you my greatest creation, the creature I’ve spent the past dozen years trying to genetically re-create,” the scientist pushed a button.

“Good God,” David Cameron gasped, “It’s Pegasus the winged horse of Greek mythology.”

Meanwhile in his aquarium, Michelangelo was ripping off a piece of waterproof masking tape trying to repair the crack on his aquarium glass.

As he did so, the psychic lobster recalled a comment that an American pundit had made earlier this year, “There’s about as much chance of Donald Trump being elected President as there is of the winged horse Pegasus being re-created.”

Meanwhile Renfield R. Renfield was returning to his office after finally collecting and picking up his recently won baseball winnings from a British bookie. He was recalling a statement that another pundit had made at the start of the year, “There’s about much chance of Donald Trump winning the Presidency as there is of the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series after 108 years.”

It was as Dr. Cadbury Rocher had said (and as the folk songs of the 1960s had said 50 years previously), “The times, they are a-changing.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 17th
2016.

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Post-Election Aftermath: A Renfieldian Analysis

November 9, 2016 at 6:03 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Post-Election Aftermath: A Renfieldian Analysis

In the editorial boardrooms of The Washington Post, The New York Times, CNN, NBC, CBS, ABC and the United Kingdom’s own The Economist newsmagazine, they sat there with totally stupefied and totally stupid looks on their faces.

Not one of these self-proclaimed geniuses had seen this coming.

Many of them began to think that Josef Stalin had it right after all, when every few years, he had slaughtered millions of the common people.

Perhaps if they, the western world’s global elite, had been doing the same thing the past several decades, yesterday’s election debacle might have been prevented.

Even BREXIT might have been stillborn.

Representing the members of the film, music and entertainment industry’s chattering classes, a female blonde moron wearing a t-shirt that said I USED TO BE HANNAH MONTANA sobbed, “Now everybody is going to think that we in the film, music and entertainment industries are a bunch of airheads” (totally oblivious to the fact that most American citizens and indeed most people across the world already thought so).

To confirm the former Miss Montana’s idiotic fears, most of those in the film, music and entertainment industries who had jumped on the losing side’s bandwagon were already using the hoses off bicycle tire air pumps to try to pump their heads up to what should be their proper cranial and cerebral size.

A defeated Presidential candidate in her campaign headquarters who had been forced to write a concession speech at the last moment (a speech she had never written throughout her entire election campaign) was now reflecting how the vast right-wing conspiracy was even more vast than she had originally thought in that TV interview she gave 20 years ago.

In the city of Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada,that metropolis’ vast conglomerate of pot-smoking potheads were trying desperately to get off the One Hell of A Nightmare stoner trip they were currently on about what had occurred south of the border.

. . .

As Amadeus Emanon watched Renfield R. Renfield type up his analysis of the U.S. Presidential election, he remarked, “So Michelangelo was right and the experts were wrong?”.

(Michelangelo the genetically created psychic lobster for Set Enterprises had correctly called the U.S. Election almost a month ago

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/michelangelo-calls-u-s-election/

)

“That should come as no surprise, should it?” Renfield asked as he took a large swig from a bottle of Tennessee bourbon and struck his best Ernest Hemingway pose.

“No, I suppose not,” Amadeus reflected.

“After all, you know what an expert is, don’t you?” Renfield grinned as he lit a cigar before proceeding to bang away on his old antique Underwood typewriter.

“No, what is an expert?” Amadeus almost dreaded to ask Renfield.

“Well,” Renfield grinned as he chewed his cigar, “an ex is a has-been and a spurt is a drip of water under pressure.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 9th
2016.

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Michelangelo’s Vision of A Donald Trump Presidency

June 1, 2016 at 6:13 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Vision of A Donald Trump Presidency
German Chancellor Angela Merkel was anxious to discover who would win the U.S. Presidential election.
So she had paid Set Enterprises’ €1 million to find out.
But Set Enterprises’ genetically created Psychic Lobster refused to reveal that information.
The German Chancellor was anxious to know what would be the results of a Donald Trump Presidency.
So Set Enterprises’ chief resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher posed the question hypothetically to the psychic lobster, “What would a Donald Trump Presidency be like?”.
Michelangelo replied with a series of visions that he sent telepathically from his lobster antennae to the screen of the computer he was hooked up to.
All the visions were of Donald Trump sitting in the Oval Office:
1st Vision:
Trump (barking orders to his underlings) : What? How dare the Mexicans reject my final offer to get them to pay for the wall I’m building? This makes me look like I’m breaking my campaign promise to my supporters.
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke Mexico City. This will show them who’s boss.
2nd vision:
Trump (still barking orders): What? How dare Pope Francis condemn me as unChristian for nuking Mexico City?
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke the Vatican.
This will show that godless atheistic communist in a cassock who’s truly doing God’s work.
3rd Vision:
Trump (still barking) : I didn’t like that story CNN’s Anderson Cooper did on me last night.
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke CNN Headquarters in Atlanta.
This will make what General Sherman did look like a Sunday School barbeque.
4th Vision:
Trump (continuously barking): How dare the New York Times condemn me for nuking Atlanta? It’s not my fault the entire city happens to surround CNN.
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke the New York Times Building in New York City. But phone my financial so-called Blind Trust first and get them to sell all my investments and disperse all my assets in the Big Apple first.

100th Vision:
Trump (the neverending bark): How dare the Republican governor of New Mexico condemn me for making a radioactive wasteland of most of the country and most of the planet?
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke the state of New Mexico. But pull any investments I might have in the Santa Fe Railway first.

665th Vision:
Trump (still hot under his dog collar and barking wildly): How dare the State of Hawaii vote to secede from the Union saying that it’s now governed by a lunatic tyrant worse than Nero and Caligula put together?
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke Honolulu. But sell any real estate and property I might hold in Hawaii first.
666th Vision: How dare the Pentagon refuse my orders to nuke Hawaii saying that there’s not much left of the U.S.A. ? Is it my fault that there’s so many damned traitors to the Commander-In-Chief living in this country? I’m trying to be Presidential about this.
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to go nuke themselves. And that’s an order. If they refuse to go nuke themselves, they’re loosing their Armed Forces pensions.

(The resulting atomic mushroom cloud appearing over the Pentagon expands and falls all over Washington D.C. taking the entire city including the White House and Oval Office with its barking and raging occupant Donald Trump with it)
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 1st
2016.

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Renfield’s Speech To BAEEVB 5 Years Ago Today

May 6, 2016 at 7:44 pm (Crime, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Speech To BAEEBV 5 Years Ago Today

“Do you recall what you did on this day 5 years ago today?” Amadeus asked Renfield.

“No,” Renfield suddenly looked nervous.

He wondered what incriminating photo or video Amadeus might have had on him of what he did 5 years ago today.

“It was 5 years ago today that you gave a speech to the British Association of Employees Employed By Vampires better known as BAEEBV,” Amadeus pointed out.

“Oh that,” Renfield grinned.

Yes, that was back on May 6th 2011.

Renfield recalled getting a standing ovation for that speech.

As well as a blow job from a rising young pop music starlet afterwards.

Renfield sat there with a huge smile on his face.

“I have a video of your best moment that day,” Amadeus showed him a video on his laptop’s YouTube page.

“You do?” Renfield turned as pale as the silvery moon on a South Seas night.

Had Amadeus filmed his encounter with the rising young pop music starlet?

The video started playing.

It was of the best line that Renfield had delivered that evening- a paraphrase of a line from Lewis Carroll’s poem The Walrus and The Carpenter in his book Through The Looking Glass.

“The time has come,” Renfield said, “to talk of many things- of psychic lobsters and werewolves and lycanthropic MPs, of how Dracul Van Helsing manages to get vampiresses down on their knees.”

“You know,” Amadeus spoke up, “I understand the reference to psychic lobsters- that’s Michelangelo. And the reference to werewolves and lycanthropic MPs- that’s to Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley. But what did you mean by Dracul Van Helsing managing to get vampiresses to their knees?”.

“Well,” Renfield’s face turned red with jealousy, “Dracul Van Helsing seems to have the ability to get beautiful vampiresses to make out with him. I’ve never been able to get a beautiful vampiress to make out with me.”

“You haven’t been too successful with many beautiful mortal women either,” Amadeus bit into his peanut butter and avocado sandwich.

“Harrumph,” Renfield pouted.

Still that rising young pop music starlet had performed a huge favour on him the night of his standing ovation speech.

Then again, that gun he held to her head, the resulting action may not have been a result of her free will affection for him.

Still she had done the deed.

Which was more than could be said for the 99 other rising young pop music starlets whose brains (or lack thereof!) he had been forced to blow to kingdom come when they refused to blow on his sword.

Their deaths were still listed as unsolved in Interpol files.

And the poor Illuminati were taking the heat for his dastardly deeds in most on-line conspiracy theorist videos.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 6th
2016.

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Qonzilqointec and Dracul See Pope Francis Wearing A Cowboy Hat

May 5, 2016 at 7:49 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec and Dracul See Pope Francis Wearing A Cowboy Hat

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing were in Her Vampiric Highness’ exclusive Mexico City penthouse apartment enjoying an exquisite meal and a bottle of the best Burgundy wine after a great evening of seeing Cinco de Mayo festivities.

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was wearing a fiery red evening dress emblazoned with black lace around the arm sleeves.

Dracul Van Helsing was wearing a Humphrey Bogart Casablanca white style dinner jacket tuxedo and black bow tie.

“We’re having roast lobster as the main entree,” Qonzilqointec smiled.

“Lovely,” Dracul nodded, “as long as it’s not my friend Michelangelo.”

“Speaking of which,” Qonzilqointec smiled showing her white vampiric incisor fangs, “how did Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher manage to genetically create Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster?”.

“Well,” Dracul sipped his Burgundy wine,”I understand he extracted DNA from lobsters in a certain region of the world which according to a rare and unknown work of Herodotus that he had in his possession- these lobsters were said to have advanced psychic powers according to Ancient Greek sailors of the time who had ingested too much of the opium poppy.”

“Who had ingested too much of the opium poppy?” Qonzilqointec asked, “the lobsters or the Greek sailors?”.

“I’m not quite sure,” Dracul looked reflective, “Dr. Cadbury Rocher was somewhat incoherent after downing a dozen glasses of Tennessee bourbon.”

“And who had downed the dozen glasses of Tennessee bourbon?” Qonzilqointec smiled again, “You or Dr. Rocher?”.

“I believe we were tied for twelve apiece at that point,” Dracul recalled.

“And where in the world did he get those psychic lobsters whose DNA he extracted to genetically create Michelangelo?” Qonzilqointec smiled yet again.

Qonzilqointec had been used to smiling all evening for the 550-year-old Aztec vampiress had been mistaken by numerous American tourists for actress Salma Hayek (whose identical twin sister she could have easily passed for) at Cinco de Mayo festivities and they wanted their selfies taken with Qonzilqointec for uploads to Facebook and Instagram.

“Well according to a friend of mine who’s a former U.S. Army Special Operations officer and former DARPA employee,” Dracul recalled, “Dr. Cadbury Rocher had sent a group of beautiful but fierce warrioresses who called themselves the Sisterhood of the Black Dragons on a secret mission to the Black and Caspian Seas just prior to creating Michelangelo. So my friend who operated under the Special Ops code name Jack Daniels believes that it’s probably in the Black Sea and Caspian Sea regions of the world where these psychic lobsters are found.”

“That’s interesting,” Qonzilqointec wiped her mouth with a handkerchief after taking a large bite of lobster.

On the television in the living room which had the sound turned down, Donald Trump was telling Ohio Gov. John Kasich to take “Small bites. Small bites.”

“Why is that interesting?” Dracul Van Helsing likewise took a large bite of lobster.

On the TV in the living room, Sarah Palin could be seen performing the Heimlich maneuver on John Kasich.

“Because these lobsters I ordered flown in fresh for this special occasion,” Qonzilqointec sipped her Burgundy wine, “happen to come from the Black and Caspian Seas.”

At that moment, both Qonzilqointec and Dracul Van Helsing had psychic visions by which they were teleported to the Vatican where they saw Pope Francis in his bedroom.

Pope Francis was on his way to an Ascension Day papal audience where he was to meet a group of real western cowboys from the western U.S. state of Wyoming.

Pope Francis had been advised by Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi and Cardinal Walter Kasper that when the cowboys are in Rome to do as the cowboys do.

So Pope Francis was wearing a pair of tight fitting blue jeans, buckled leather belt, red and black plaid shirt and a 10 gallon white Stetson cowboy hat.

He was looking at himself in his full length dressing mirror.

Pope Francis began singing that old Mac Davis country and western song,

“Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble
When you’re perfect in every way…
I guess it has somethin’ to do with the way
That I fill out my skin tight blue jeans.”

Pope Francis looked down at the way he filled out his skin tight blue jeans.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 5th
2016.

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Renfield’s Preferred Political System and Lobster Dreams of Perry Mason

April 9, 2016 at 8:01 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Preferred Political System and Lobster Dreams of Perry Mason

“Say, Renfield,” Amadeus asked his friend as he flipped through a Political Science textbook, “in your opinion, what’s the best political system and form of government?”.

“An absolute monarchy with myself as absolute monarch,” Renfield replied.

Meanwhile down in his lobster tank at the Set Enterprises laboratory, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was fast asleep.

He, along with his creator Dr. Cadbury Rocher, had been watching a grueling television marathon of old episodes of the Perry Mason TV show with Raymond Burr.

Now he was fast asleep in his aquarium while Cadbury Rocher was in his even more secret lab (unknown to all at Set Enterprises) working on what he considered his master creation- a genetically created replica of the winged horse Pegasus.

In Michelangelo’s dream, he was dreaming of an old black and white episode of Perry Mason with Raymond Burr that was never shown on television because it was considered too hot for the America of the late 1950s to handle.

The name of the episode was Perry Mason Solves The Case of The Tomatoed Buns.

Special guest star for the episode was Sherlock Holmes’ twin sister- the quite literally immortal (as in never dying due to eating immortal life giving Supernatural mushrooms) leather skirted dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes.

This was the courtroom scene from that episode that Michelangelo dreamed:

Perry Mason: Now Miss Holmes, when we use the term “tomatoed buns”, I take it we’re not talking about a certain food item we can select down at our local neighbourhood smorgasbord buffet, are we?

Miss Holmes (raising one of her black silk nylon legs on the witness stand and adjusting both her skirt and one of her spiked stiletto high heeled shoes): Indeed, Mr. Mason, we are not.

A large crack suddenly appeared on the glass of Michelangelo’s aquarium as the lobster started hyperventilating under water over this dream sequence.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 8th
2016.

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