Allatallahbel Swims To Nephthys’ Undersea Tomb

September 26, 2017 at 3:37 pm (Detective story, Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal had hired two London private eyes Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley to track down the sole surviving Vampiric Knights-Templar for her.

She had also hired another London private eye Randall Hopkins to spy on the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set for her (Randall Hopkins accepted the case immediately since he had prior experience spying on Set having been hired by the Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis to do just that 3 years ago).

Randall Hopkins had broke into Set’s house where he located a couriered document sent to Set by the German government.

Apparently a World War One German UB-II U-Boat submarine had just been found off the coast of Belgium.

According to the sub’s last manifest written down before its last voyage (the manifest was found in the German National Archives) the Egyptian vampiress Nephthys (Set’s long lost wife) was on board the vessel.

When Set read the courier document, he practically shit himself.

After using up the mansion’s entire rolls of toilet paper, Set then flew to Atlanta Georgia to meet former U.S. President Jimmy Carter.

Set figured that if Carter could negotiate a successful peace treaty between Egypt and Israel (like he did back in 1978), then he could successfully negotiate an amicable divorce agreement between Nephthys and himself if Nephthys was still alive.

Allatallahbel decided to swim to the spot where the sub was located (she had seduced a German Federal cabinet minister to tell her the location) to see for herself whether Nephthys was alive or dead.

When she emerged and walked back to her Belgian B and B, a group of ex-DARPA operatives on a European tour snapped her pic with their smart phones.

One ex-DARPA op named Daniel (who had an otter following behind him) started to curse, “Dang! I forgot to recharge my smart phone battery!”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday September 26th
2017.

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Kim Kardashian Meets The Vampire Set

November 20, 2014 at 7:48 pm (Entertainment, Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Television) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Kim Kardashian Meets The Vampire Set

The London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had been laid up in his sarcophagus for the past month with a very severe case of irregularity.

It was a result of eating an entire horse in a fancy London restaurant almost a month ago.

On the table beside his sarcophagus were several Get Well cards sent to him by various people.

A Get Well card from Watson Holmes the man who was the Executive Vice-President of Set Enterprises (the Egyptian vampire’s research and development firm).

A Get Well Card and a bouquet of flowers from Miss Miranda Singh who was the secretary and office manager for Watson Holmes.

An I Heard You Were Sick card sent to him by a disgruntled former employee Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

Dr. Rocher had sent along a wooden stake as well along with the note Insert Directly Into Heart.

He also received a Get Well card from a London private eye- a Mr. Randall Hopkins.

Set wondered if it was the same man who stood outside the windows of his room every night after sundown and took photos of him with his iPhone when Set’s sarcophagus was open.

The man left just before sunrise (at the same time Set was closing his sarcophagus lid).

Set also received a Get Well card as well as a basket of fruit from his own personal concert pianist Mr. Amadeus Emanon.

From Michelangelo his company’s genetically created psychic lobster, he received a gift certificate for a seafood restaurant- good for all items on the menu with the exception of all lobster entrees.

From Renfield R. Renfield his shapeshifting hamster/human Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering, he received… an autographed photo… of Renfield R. Renfield (the same gift Renfield gave to everybody on birthdays, anniversaries and at Christmas).

For his ailment, Set tried every laxative and enema method under the sun.

No laxative seemed to work.

No enema…

… seemed to work…

… until…

… Kim Kardashian visited him this evening…

… with a bottle of champagne…

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 17th
2014.

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Vampiress Isis Meets Dr. Cadbury Rocher In Paris

October 29, 2014 at 6:24 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Espionage, Movies, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Vampiress Isis Meets Dr. Cadbury Rocher In Paris

The Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis felt like a school girl for some reason as she sat in a white dress in a Parisienne cafe on this Friday evening in mid-October.

And it had been well over 3000 years since she had last been a school girl.

She was about to meet Dr. Cadbury Rocher who was probably the greatest scientific mind of the early 21st Century.

Although few people had heard of him or known about his ability.

For Dr. Cadbury Rocher worked as a research scientist for her brother, brother-in-law, rival and arch-enemy the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set.

No one knew how much money Set paid him for Set kept it a secret.

That way no government or private individual or corporation knew how much money to offer him to snatch his services away from Set.

Plus Dr. Cadbury Rocher was also bound to Set in some sort of strange Egyptian Black Magic blood oath ceremony involving the burning of 9 tana leaves, the drinking of 100 tea leaves and the smoking of 666 marijuana leaves.

Still that wasn’t as bad as a bunch of wealthy country club Republicans running around in the nude and burning an effigy of an infant to a giant 40 foot owl in a bizarre form of Moloch and Ishtar worship like what happens at the Bohemian Grove every summer near San Francisco.

Whenever Isis went through one of her dieting crazes, she always watched the unedited version of the Alex Jones filming of the Bohemian Grove ceremony which immediately killed her appetite.

She also could never bring herself to shake Henry Kissinger’s hand ever again whenever she met him after seeing the unedited version of that video.

A Parisienne lady of the evening had also given up one of her most frequent fellatio receiving clients after viewing the unedited video in Isis’ Paris penthouse apartment.

However despite Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s blood oath to Set, something had happened this past week that changed the nature of the relationship between Dr. Rocher and Set.

Isis found out about it in a phone call when a constantly yawning Randall Hopkins had phoned her in a very irritating phone call last Friday evening.

( For the reason why Randall Hopkins Private Eye was yawning please read

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2014/10/20/randall-hopkins-private-eye/ )

So Randall Hopkins had found out that Set Enterprises (the scientific research and development firm owned by Set) needed to cut $2 billion in expenditures from its operating budget according to an audit conducted by professional chartered accountant Ian Mandell Boring who went by his initials I. M. Boring.

Then two days ago on Wednesday morning Isis received a phone call from her London hired private eye gumshoe spy Randall Hopkins saying that he had just received a phone call from his Deep Throat source within Set Enterprises Miss Miranda Singh who was the secretary to Set Enterprises’ Executive Vice-President Watson Holmes.

Apparently Watson Holmes and the billionaire Egyptian vampire Set would be having a dinner meeting with
Dr. Cadbury Rocher that night in the main dining room of London’s St. James’ Court Hotel hoping that a good meal of steak and lobster would help ease the pain as they gently broke the news to Dr. Rocher that the $2 billion in cuts would be coming out of the good doctor’s laboratory research budget.

Miranda told the private eye that Dr. Rocher had consulted Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster (a lobster with amazing psychic abilities that Dr. Rocher had genetically created in the lab) at the morning coffee break on the Set Enterprises’ premises and asked him what would happen at the St. James’ Court Hotel steak and lobster dinner meeting with Set and Watson Holmes.

Michelangelo used his lobster antennae hooked up with wires to Dr. Rocher’s computer to communicate telepathically to the computer screen the cryptic remark that he had a bad feeling about the whole thing.

Randall Hopkins Private Eye maxed out his credit card by booking a last-minute reservation to the St. James’ Court Hotel main dining room and more specifically to a table right next to where Set, Watson Holmes and Dr. Cadbury Rocher would be sitting.

Fearing that Set and Watson Holmes might recognize him as the man who had sat next to their table at the Savoy Hotel main dining room last Friday night, Randall Hopkins wore a Halloween style pair of dark glasses and Groucho Marx mustache so as not to draw attention by making a spectacle of himself.

At the table on the other side of Randall Hopkins sat former U. S. Secretary of State Henry Kissinger who was on his cell phone talking to elderly Hollywood actress and former sex symbol Mamie Van Doren.

Dr. Kissinger cooed and purred in his thick German accent over the phone, “Oooh, baby… I really loved you in that movie High School Confidential” as his glasses fogged up over the phone.

Mamie Van Doren.

That name sounded familiar to Randall Hopkins for some reason.

He had seen an old movie trailer for a Mamie Van Doren film on YouTube.

The announcer’s voice for the movie trailer said, “Mamie Van Doren in 3-D. She’ll knock both your eyes out” as the camera focused in on two huge protruding points near the top of Mamie Van Doren’s tight fitting sweater.

Meanwhile at the table on the other side of Randall Hopkins, Set and Watson Holmes had just informed Dr. Cadbury Rocher the unhappy news that $2 billion would be axed from his laboratory research budget.

“$2 billion?!” The lobster tail that Dr. Rocher spit out of his mouth upon hearing this news landed in Dr. Kissinger’s Baked Alaska as the former U.S. Secretary of State received an incoming phone call from Vladimir Putin threatening a nuclear missile attack on America.

“It could have been worse,” Watson Holmes sent back his over cooked steak tartare, “it could have been £2 billion that I. M. Boring suggested needed to be cut. Lucky for you that Mr. Boring got his accounting degree at an American rather than a British business school.”

“Still $2 billion,” Dr. Rocher wept into his lime sorbet, “this will mean the death of the Pegasus project.”

“I’m afraid so,” said Set who was so hungry that he was eating a horse although the menu listed it as la viande de cheval.

“But after all the things I’ve created and developed for you over the years that made you billions and billions,” Dr. Rocher did his best impersonation of astronomer Carl Sagan, “and this is the thanks I get.”

“Well it’s like the whip-wielding dominatrix said,” Set replied while remembering an experience he had in a nightclub of the Berlin of the 1920s, “it’s the bottom line that counts.”

“But it’s been my lifelong dream,” Dr. Cadbury Rocher licked the whipped cream off the gingerbread cookie gingerbread woman figure of Penelope Cruz, “to genetically create a winged horse like Pegasus of classical myth.”

“Well,” Set sighed as he ate the horse’s tail, “sometimes our dreams don’t always come true.”

He recalled his dream of banging his sister Isis on a hot steamy and sultry Egyptian night millenia ago- a dream that never came true.

(Psychiatrists and reality TV shows would have had a field day if they had been around in the days of ancient Egyptian royalty!)

“That does it,” Dr. Cadbury Rocher stood up to leave, “I quit. I resign my position at Set Enterprises. Blood oath or no blood oath. You can take your blood oath and shove it up your ass.”

Considering the immense constipation problem Set would have that night as a result of eating a whole horse, that might have made for an excellent enema.

. . .

And now the Vampiress Isis was hoping to convince Dr. Cadbury Rocher to come work for her.

And put her brother, husband and lover Osiris’ sub-atomic particles back together again.

At that moment a cock crew on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the time period
Friday October 24th
to
Wednesday October 29th
2014.

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Randall Hopkins Private Eye

October 20, 2014 at 4:03 pm (Detective story, Espionage, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Randall Hopkins Private Eye

Randall Hopkins was a Private Eye.

He had been hired by the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis to spy on the activities of Set Enterprises- the scientific research and development firm owned by the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set who was Isis’ main rival and arch-enemy.

But after trying to spy on Set Enterprises for the past 2 years, he had nothing to show for it.

Now Isis was threatening to cut him off- financially (in terms of his fees) as well as a certain part of his anatomy.

Randall Hopkins broke out in a sweat when he received this threat from Isis over the phone.

He had no desire to sing soprano in the Saint Paul’s Cathedral Choir.

Then miraculously last weekend he happened to run into Miranda Singh who was a secretary to the Executive Vice-President of Set Enterprises Mr. Watson Holmes.

He ran into Miranda Singh in a cocktail bar in central London.

He remembered she had been wearing a very attractive purple dress.

They had struck up a conversation and then the next thing Randall Hopkins could remember after taking a sip of his Newcastle Brown Ale was waking up naked in her apartment.

There lying on top of her bed in a pink silk nightgown was the lovely Miranda Singh.

“So,” she batted her eyelashes at him, “was it as good for you as it was for me?”.

Randall Hopkins could not remember a single thing that happened so all he said was “Um, yes.”

Miranda said she’d call him if anything came up in relation to Set Enterprises.

Yesterday morning he got a phone call from Miranda saying the owner and CEO of the company Set as well as Watson Holmes would be meeting with a chartered accountant in the main dining room of London’s Savoy Hotel at 6 PM tonight.

So he Randall Hopkins had rented a tuxedo suit and bow tie and after spending the night before reading Mrs. Beeton’s Guide To Etiquette and Good Manners was now sitting at a table trying to remember what fork he should use to eat his starter salad.

He sat next to the table reserved for Set, Watson Holmes and the chartered accountant.

The three came in.

Set was a very sinister looking figure- what one would expect from a 3000-year old vampire.

Watson Holmes looked like the sort of person that might have been produced if actors Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce had been gay and had a relationship and had been capable of producing a child together.

The chartered accountant looked like a typical chartered accountant- pinstriped trousers, dark suit, white shirt and dark framed glasses.

The accountant whose name was Ian Mandell Boring but went by his initials professionally I.M. Boring dove into his briefcase and brought out a document and read in a monotone voice all the financial earnings of Set Enterprises this past year.

When he had finished, he nudged both Set and Watson Holmes to wake them up.

Meanwhile Randall Hopkins was now on his 21st cup of coffee to keep him awake after listening to I.M. Boring’s riveting reading of the Set Enterprises financial statements.

“So,” Set asked after he had ordered a quadruple cappuccino from the waiter, “what does this mean?”.

“It means,” I.M. Boring replied in monotone, “that you’re going to have to cut $2 billion somewhere in Set Enterprises’ expenditures.”

“I see,” Set downed the quadruple cappuccino in one gulp.

Hm. Set Enterprises needed to cut $2 billion somewhere, Randall Hopkins thought to himself.

He better find a phone booth to telephone the Egyptian Vampiress Isis the news.

For his own smart phone battery had died of boredom after listening to the chartered accountant’s spiel.

-To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday October 17th
2014.

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