Rap Song About Justin Bieber

August 17, 2011 at 6:56 pm (Poetry) (, , )

A friend of mine Kriztina in Kuala Lumpur Malaysia suggested to me last night I should try to write a rap song about Justin Bieber after I had written a rap song about movie character Freddy Krueger last night.

So I gave it a shot.

The rap song is not totally about Justin Bieber- there’s references to other cultural pop icons and contemporary happenings in international geopolitics as well- not to mention a reference to a personal family situation involving a dispute over my late father’s Estate.

How come so many people be hatin’ Justin Bieber?
After all he’s Canadian like the beaver
for Canadians are a mild-mannered folk
those on the West Coast like to toke
but it ain’t because of marijuana Dracul is moving to Vancouver
it be because some family members were born in a sewer.

But returnin’ to the subject of Justin Bieber
who some bad cats would like to hit with a cleaver
why yo’all pickin’ on this guy?
Jealous cause he makes teen-aged girls sigh?

Now Bashar Assad who mows down his own people
while erectin’ pics of himself higher than a steeple
now surely that would be reason to hate his guts
but to hate Justin Bieber because of his singin’
hate to tell you but you’re simply nuts.

Then you got down on Rebecca Black
cause she got down on Friday
hearing her sing
made you cryday.

Sure the song ain’t no masterpiece
but does that give you the right
to try to dispose of her like grease?

Hey world you got your priorities wrong
instead of hatin’ people because of their song
why don’t you act like a big man and be truly strong
there’s a famine in northeast Africa
children there may not live long
get your Bieber and Black hatin’ head out of your ass
stand up be a real man and show some true class
put your money where your mouth is
and do some true good helpin’ starvin’ kids.

-A rap song written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
Wednesday evening August 17th 2011

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Renfield and Rebecca Black’s Moment

July 19, 2011 at 9:29 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

“I noticed Rebecca Black has just released a new song and video called My Moment,” Amadeus Emanon remarked as he spilled hot buttered popcorn all over his freshly washed shirt.

“That was the wonderful thing about being in a coma for two months,” Renfield said through mouth loads of tuna fish sandwich, “I missed all the fuss and kefuffle over Rebecca Black’s song Friday.”

“I happen to like Rebecca Black’s song Friday,” Amadeus looked at the calendar and noticed that it was a Tuesday.

“Well, if you don’t mind me saying so, Amadeus, I’ve always thought you a bit weird,” Renfield put some bananas and chocolate sauce on top of his tuna fish sandwich.

“I noticed Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing on his relationship status at Facebook says In a complicated relationship with Rebecca Black and Robinson Crusoe’s manservant Friday,” Amadeus then helped himself to his plate of fish n’ chips.

“Really?” Renfield was shocked, “But Rebecca Black is only 13 years old. I didn’t know Van Helsing liked them that young and wouldn’t a manservant be a reference to a guy? I didn’t know Van Helsing swung both ways.”

“I believe his relationship status is meant to be a joke,” Amadeus explained, “since Rebecca Black had a hit song called Friday and as for Robinson Crusoe’s manservant Friday, he’s a fictional character in a fictional novel called Robinson Crusoe that was written by British writer Daniel Defoe back in 1719.”

“Well not everyone has the advantage of a classical education such as yourself,” Renfield snorted between mouthfuls of tuna fish and banana and chocolate sauce sandwiches.

“Well, I’ve never had a formal classical education,” Amadeus replied, “I just read a great deal of the books in the Boss’ library. Maybe if you read the books in there instead of all the porno girlie magazines, you’d be classically educated too.”

“I don’t look at porno photos of women in magazines,” Renfield protested, “I look at them on the Net.”

“So Van Helsing doesn’t really pursue 13-year-old girls nor is he bisexual,” Amadeus put some more malt vinegar on his fish, “in fact he’s 100% excessively heterosexual.”

“How can someone be excessively heterosexual?” Renfield put his sandwich down and stared at Amadeus quizzically.

“Well those were the words that South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan used of him in a conversation I had with her once,” Amadeus bit into the batter of fresh Atlantic cod.

“Really?” Renfield bit his lip, “Damn! I knew I should have videotaped what Dracul and Hyung were doing in that hotel room in Cannes that time we had a room next to them. It would have made for one hot tape.”

To be continued.

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Cyborg Goes Beserk Over Cupcakes

July 4, 2011 at 7:08 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield picked up the phone when it rang.

“Colossal London mansion of billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set,” Renfield answered, “This is Renfield R. Renfield Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering For Set Enterprises speaking.”

“Is Mr. Set in?” an exasperated voice asked.

“I’m sorry,” Renfield replied, “seeing as how it is still daylight, Mr. Set is currently napping in his sarcophagus.”

“Are you the one in charge then?” the exasperated voice asked.

“I am,” Renfield answered.

“Well, this is the Blue Bell Bakery calling,” said the exasperated voice, “just to let you know that Mr. Set’s cyborg Sophia is going beserk with the cupcakes in this place. She’s eating them all and the more she eats the more she goes on a sugar high and the crazier she becomes.”

“I’ll be right there,” Renfield put the phone down, “hm. Eating that many cupcakes is surely the sign of an addiction. And an addiction is a weakness in my opinion.” He finished eating his 99th tuna fish sandwich of the morning and ran to the door.

Amadeus Emanon followed him- eating his 50th bag of potato chips for the day.

* * *

Later in the Blue Bell Bakery, the short skirted redhead Cyborg Sophia was dancing on top of the counter in her spiked stiletto heels and singing, “Friday. Friday. Gotta get down on Friday.”

“But it’s Monday,” Amadeus pointed at the calendar.

“Just another manic Monday,” Sophia kicked up her heels and did a juggling routine with the few remaining cupcakes in the Blue Bell Bakery.

Renfield fired a tranquilizer dart at the Cyborg.

She collapsed on the counter.

“Who’s going to pay for the damages?” the Blue Bell Bakery owner demanded to know.

Renfield fired a tranquilizer dart at him as well.

“Okay,” Renfield threw the short skirted Cyborg over his shoulder, “let’s get out of here.”

To be continued.

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Good Friday vs. Rebecca Black’s Friday

April 22, 2011 at 3:24 pm (Commentary, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing) (, , , , , , , )

On this Good Friday, if you’re contemplating Rebecca Black’s lyrics, “It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday” remember that Christ did not get down from the Cross on Friday even though the Scribes and Pharisees beneath the Cross taunted Him to do so. And it’s a good thing for humanity that Christ did not get down from the Cross for if He had, all of us would be eternally lost.

-Christopher Van Helsing, Good Friday, April 22nd, 2011.

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Lenin Getting Down On Friday

March 27, 2011 at 9:48 pm (Commentary, Humour, Satire) (, , , , , )

Photobucket

Hey it’s Lenin getting down on Friday!
Partyin’ (yeah) Partyin’ (yeah)
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
Stalin sittin’ in the front seat!
Trotsky sittin’ in the back seat!
Which seat should Vladimir take?

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Renfield Interviews Martin Sheen and Interrogates Prisoners At Guantanamo Bay

March 23, 2011 at 6:39 pm (Humour, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

CNN News Announcer: Due to the unsuccessful use of anesthetic at his dentist, Piers Morgan will not be hosting his show Piers Morgan Tonight tonight…

… instead an apparently famous individual from Britain whom I’ve never heard of before by the name of Renfield R. Renfield will be filling in as host tonight …

… Mr. Renfield would like me to say that if Charles Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall Lady Camilla are watching this program that Mr. Renfield would like a personal invitation to attend Prince William’s and Kate Middleton’s wedding at Westminster Abbey next month…

… Mr. Renfield’s guest tonight on Piers Morgan Tonight without Piers Morgan is veteran actor Martin Sheen star of numerous TV shows and movies including The West Wing…

… and now here’s Mr. Renfield R. Renfield with Martin Sheen…

“So tell me, Martin,” Renfield grinned as he spoke, “how does it feel having a total nutcase for a son?”.

* * *

Later that evening Renfield R. Renfield arrived as a guest interrogator down at Guantanamo Bay.

Renfield had a well-deserved reputation as an interrogator in the intelligence community.

He had been asked on several occasions by both Scotland Yard and the CIA to get uncooperative prisoners to talk.

He had a 100% success rate.

Renfield arrived at Guantanamo Bay this evening sporting two huge black eyes as a TV interview he had had with Mr. Martin Sheen earlier in the evening hadn’t gone so well.

“The prisoners are tied up in their respective chairs and waiting for you,” said the CIA operative.

“Great,” Renfield smiled.

He put up a film screen and then inserted a DVD into the projector.

“And now gentlemen,” Renfield grinned, “may I present Miss Rebecca Black’s video Friday…”

The prisoners squirmed in their seats as Miss Black went through her respective and numerous Yeah-yeahs at the start of the song.

By the time Miss Black regaled them with her astounding lyrics “Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal”, the prisoners started tossing their cookies they had eaten as a snack an hour before.

By the time Miss Black reached the lines “Gotta make my mind up Which seat can I take?”, the prisoners fell off their chairs.

Through the numerous repetitions of the lines “Partyin’ partyin’ (Yeah)” and “Fun, fun, fun, fun”, the prisoners were positively writhing in agony on the floor.

By the time Miss Black hit those brilliant lines of 21st Century literary prose “Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday, Today i-is Friday, Friday (partyin’)” and “Tomorrow is Saturday, And Sunday comes after… wards, I don’t want this weekend to end”, the prisoners were screaming in unison that they wanted the video stopped.

Then when Miss Black reached the lines “It’s Friday, Friday, Gotta get down on Friday”, the prisoners demanded they be allowed to tell the CIA operative everything he wanted to know.

* * *

“Another job well done,” the CIA operative said as he handed the freelance interrogator Renfield a cheque for $500,000 U.S.

* * *

As Renfield flew back home to London, he tuned in to Coast To Coast AM with George Noory on the plane radio.

“Tonight on Coast To Coast, another tale of alien abduction,” George Noory’s voice intoned, “yes, on tonight’s program… an ET alien makes the astounding claim that he was abducted… by Charlie Sheen…”

* * *

To be continued.

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