Hagia Sophia, Erdogan’s Surprise and Qonzilqointec
“Satan’s target is the Sacrifice of the Mass and the Real Presence of Jesus in the Consecrated Host.”
-Cardinal Robert Sarah of Guinea
Raphael du Lac was an intelligence operative for a military commander.
He recorded video on his smart phone of the Friday prayer service at Hagia Sophia which had just been converted back into a mosque by Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan the would-be Sultan of a Revived Ottoman Empire.
That night in an Istanbul cafe, Raphael showed the video recordings to his military commander Vlad III of Wallachia aka Vlad Tepes aka Vlad the Impaler.
But better known to the world as Prince Dracula.
Prince Dracula allied with the Byzantine vampiress Theodora against Erdogan.
. . .
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan went to bed this Friday evening feeling immensely pleased with himself.
He read a congratulatory message from Communist China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping.
Xi said that he had instructed that the Hagia Sophia Friday prayer service (which was livestreamed as it happened) be shown on People’s Republic of China state television.
What a splendid fellow this Xi is, Erdogan thought to himself as he washed his Chinese tea down his throat with a Turkish coffee.
The Turkish President had also received an envelope sent to him by British MP Renfield R. Renfield.
What would Renfield be sending him, Erdogan wondered as he opened the envelope.
It was an illuminated medieval manuscript page.
Canto XXVIII of The Inferno of Dante’s Divine Comedy.
The medieval writing was written in Latin.
Erdogan’s knowledge of Latin was miniscule.
Non-existent in fact.
The only person whose knowledge of Latin was possibly worse than his was Pope Francis.
Erdogan immediately sent for a Latin scholar to translate Canto XXVIII of The Inferno of Dante’s Divine Comedy.
When the scholar translated the passage, Erdogan hit the roof.
Looking up at the night sky and the huge assembling mass of bats through the now empty hole in the ceiling, Erdogan vowed to kill Renfield.
. . .
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was walking the streets of Rome on a quiet July evening.
She walked past a near empty cafe where the only customer sitting on the sidewalk was a man with a laptop listening to a Renfield R. Renfield podcast.
She heard Renfield’s voice saying, “I’m not going to ask the question what sort of perverted prophet would have sexual relations with a six year old girl child bride? No, I’m not going to mention that…”
Qonzilqointec continued walking down the street.
She paused to look in the distance at Saint Peter’s Basilica:
Just as the Crescent Moon now formally flew above the Hagia Sophia, soon she realized it would only be a matter of time before the Red Star formally flew over the Vatican.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 24th
2020.
Byzantine Vampiress Theodora Declares War On Erdogan
The Byzantine vampiress Theodora in a shipping magnate’s apartment overlooking Istanbul’s Golden Horn harbour.
The Byzantine vampiress Theodora (who in her mortal life had been the Byzantine Empress Theodora the wife of the Byzantine Emperor Justinian the First also known as Justinian the Great) was sitting in the apartment of a Greek shipping tycoon (who claimed to be a Turkish shipping tycoon and had changed his name from Greek to Turkish) that overlooked Istanbul’s Golden Horn harbour.
Theodora was looking calm and serene despite the upsetting news that she had heard today.
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan (a man whom Theodora referred to as the “Sultan of Hemmorhoids”) was going to change the Hagia Sophia from a museum back into a mosque.
The Hagia Sophia had been built originally back in 537 AD as a Byzantine Orthodox Christian Cathedral and basilica by Theodora’s husband the Emperor Justinian.
The Greek name Hagia Sophia means in English Holy Wisdom.
Then in 1453 when the Byzantine Empire’s capital of Constantinople (what is now called modern day Istanbul) fell into the hands of the Ottoman Turks led by Sultan Mehmed II, Hagia Sophia was turned into a mosque.
It remained a mosque until 1934 when it was turned into a musem by modern Turkey’s secular leader Kemal Ataturk.
Now Erdogan who fancied himself a would-be Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire and the would-be Caliph of a revived Islamic caliphate planned to turn the Hagia Sophia back into a mosque.
In a victory for Erdogan, Turkey’s top administrative court the Council of State had recently anulled the site’s museum status.
So Erdogan was now moving full speed ahead (against the fiery hot-blooded iceberg that was the Byzantine vampiress Theodora) in turning Hagia Sophia into a mosque.
Now Theodora wanted Erdogan overthrown, Constantinople turned back into the capital of a revived Byzantine Empire and Hagia Sophia restored to being a Christian cathedral and basilica.
To that purpose, she had called a high-ranking Greek army officer (whose Theodoran code name was Dimitrios) and a high-ranking Russian Army officer (whose Theodoran code name was Alexis) to this apartment to discuss their plans.
“I may have trouble getting much of the Greek Army to our cause,” Dimitrios remarked as he sipped a glass of Ouzo.
“I likewise might have trouble getting much of the Russian Army to our cause,” Alexis remarked as he sipped a glass of vodka.
“It seems,” Theodora sighed sadly, “that the only people who manage to get things organized and done these days are the Communists. A PLA engineered bioweapon manages to leak from the Wuhan Institute of Virology and send the whole world into chaos. The Communists in the WHO continue to manage or mismanage the chaos. The Communist controlled United Nations wants to impose a global Marxist government as the “new normal” in the post-Covid world while a Communist Pope in the Vatican cheers them on. Most U.S. Democratic party politicians in America covertly (and in many cases overtly) seek to turn that country into a new Soviet Union with Antifa and Black Lives Matter operatives acting as the insurrectionary terrorist vanguard of the emerging Soviet state.”
“Well, if you could get Hades and Persephone to release the ghost of the great Byzantine general Belisarius to lead the attack on Istanbul, this would probably get my country’s Army behind the cause,” Alexis noted.
Dimitrios added that this would likewise be the case with the Greek Army.
“Well, I’ll try to get Belisarius released but not his legal advisor the historian Procopius,” Theodora sipped a glass of champagne.
Byzantine vampiress Theodora: Will try to get General Belisarius’ ghost released from the Underworld
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 10th
2020.
Lilith, Erdogan, Putin and Rouhani: Invasion of Israel In The Works?
Lilith, Erdogan, Putin and Rouhani: Invasion of Israel In The Works?
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith was meeting with the talking little green frog 🐸 called Nimrod and the demon Asmodeus in a cafe in Istanbul.
“I’m still trying to decide if I like smoking Turkish cigarettes,” the chain-smoking demon Asmodeus remarked as he smoked his 70th Turkish cigarette of the day.
“I’m still trying to decide if I like Turkish coffee or not,” Nimrod remarked with his head sticking out of the tiny cup after almost drowning in his 70th cup of Turkish coffee of the day.
“I’m still trying to decide if I like Turkish evening gowns or not,” Lilith remarked as she took off her 69th evening gown in the cafe and put on her 70th Turkish evening gown of the day from her shopping bag of items she had picked up in Istanbul’s fashion bazaar.
The display of lovely 😊 and sensual vampiress nudity once again resulted in a huge collision of Turkish waiters carrying plates and cups.
“So how did your meeting with Recep Tayyip Erdogan, Vladimir Putin and Hassan Rouhani in Ankara go?” Asmodeus asked as he put a nicotine patch on his arm to help him cut down on his daily cigarette intake, “Did you convince the leaders of Russia 🇷🇺, Iran 🇮🇷 and Turkey 🇹🇷 to invade Israel 🇮🇱?”.
Lilith answered.
In the cafe across the street, Prince Vlad Dracula, the Byzantine vampiress Theodora and the Israeli Mossad agent the Controller of the Golem were listening in to the conversation between Lilith, Asmodeus and Nimrod on some eavesdropping equipment they had.
“Oh shoot,” the Controller cursed, “the microphone 🎤 went dead just as Lilith was giving the answer.”
Their view of the cafe across the street was also blocked by a huge number of Turkish men as well as female members of the Turkish Lesbian Front who had been standing in front of the cafe window for the past several hours.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 5th
2018.
Erdogan Targets Kurds
Erdogan Targets Kurds
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan was discussing with the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith the air bombing campaign he had unleashed against the Kurds in the Afrin region of northern Syria.
The combined air and ground campaign that Erdogan called Operation Olive Branch with his rather bizarre and macabre sense of humour had begun earlier today at 14:00 GMT.
It targeted the Kurdish YPG (Kurdish People’s Protection Units) that the Erdogan government labelled a “bunch of terrorists” (as they called all people who were opposed to Erdogan’s increasingly despotic and dictatorial rule).
Lilith was hoping that once Erdogan had finished taking out the Kurds, he’d then attack Israel and take out the Jews.
Then Lilith would finally get her revenge against the Jewish people for the libels she felt they told about her in the Babylonian Talmud.
But in the meantime despite Lilith’s urging, Erdogan was concentrating his efforts on the Kurds.
“These people are standing in the way of my making myself Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire,” Erdogan clenched his fists.
“Wouldn’t Trump be worried about you making yourself Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire?” Lilith asked.
“Oh, he might tweet about his manhood in one of his Twitter tweets and use for backup a possible Twitter endorsement from porn star Stormy Daniels to that effect but other than that he’ll do nothing,” Erdogan asserted.
“Isn’t there anyone in any of the NATO countries who’s clued in to what you’re doing?” Lilith asked.
“Well that newly elected British MP Renfield R. Renfield is,” Erdogan admitted, “which is why it was most unfortunate that members of the German Opera Lovers’
Association weren’t successful in murdering Mr. Renfield for murdering the Liebestod from Tristan und Isolde in the British House of Commons last night.”
Meanwhile back in London, Renfield was chuckling over a newspaper headline he was reading about today’s feminist march in Washington DC – HEFTY HIDEOUS HARPIES HOWL HYSTERICALLY.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday January 20th
2018.
Recep Tayyip Erdogan and The Vampiress Priestess of Baal
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan was pacing the halls of his Presidential Palace.
Back in April, the Turkish leader had sent His Majesty King Abdullah II of Jordan a letter demanding that custodianship of the Haram al-Sharif and all Islamic holy sites in Jerusalem be transferred to him Recep Tayyip Erdogan when he the said Recep became the new Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire.
And of all the audacious things in the world, King Abdullah II of Jordan had still not bothered to answer him back and it was now September.
The man should really be beheaded, Recep thought to himself as he cut a head of lettuce in two with a meat cleaver.
“Good evening, your Majesty,” a sensuous feminine voice spoke behind him.
Recep turned.
Standing there was a beautiful dark-haired dark skinned and dark eyed woman wearing a purple evening dress.
Around her neck was a diamond necklace.
The diamonds were cut in the shape and form of human skulls.
“Well, I’m not the Sultan just yet,” Recep blushed, “Ummm… who are you by the way?”.
“I am the Vampiress Allatallahbel the Priestess of Baal,” she approached him.
“Baal?” Recep scratched his head, “Wasn’t he an ancient Canaanite deity?”.
“He was,” Allatallahbel stood inches away from his throat.
“Ummm… what do you want with me?” Recep asked.
“I’m here to help make you…” she smiled and showed her large vampiric incisors.
“To help make me…?” Recep was starting to feel visibly uncomfortable.
“Sultan,” she smiled at him.
“Oh, Sultan,” he laughed and adjusted his collar, “of course.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 2nd
2017.
The New Nazi-Russian Pact
The New Nazi-Russian Pact
At the suggestion of the grey wolf formerly known as Adolf, Lilith asked the Norse god Thor to go to Hades for her and request the release of Rasputin’s spirit from the Underworld to go up to Russia and again create havoc like he had done for the Czarist government in the previous century.
Rasputin’s spirit promptly entered the body of a Russian Eurasian brown bear and possessed it.
The grey wolf possessed by the spirit of Adolf Hitler and the Russian Eurasian brown bear possessed by the spirit of Grigori Rasputin then signed a treaty today agreeing to someday mutually attack a certain country in the Middle East.
The treaty was signed aboard a Jules Verne visualized helicopter airship that bore the name Albatross II and was owned by the mysterious enigmatic individual known as Robur The Conquerer II.
The witnesses to the treaty were the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith, the little green frog Nimrod and the cigarette smoking demon Asmodeus.
The treaty was signed on this the 78th Anniversary of the original Nazi-Soviet Pact.
. . .
Hillary Clinton sat at the table drinking her glass of lemonade.
She was angry about what a Fox News commentator said about her this morning.
The Fox News commentator had said that she had lost her marbles.
Imagine that, Hillary harrumphed.
She, Hillary Clinton, had lost her marbles.
Sheesh.
What would they say next?
Hillary looked at her guest sitting across the table from her- Dr. Harvey Nash the world’s greatest bunny rabbit mathematician- 6 ft. 6 in height, pinkish coloured fur, jade green eyes wearing an extremely large pair of spectacles 👓 on his pinkish bunny rabbit nose and whiskers and who, when he spoke, had a voice that sounded a lot like the late Hollywood actor Jimmy Stewart.
Hillary had recently started seeing Dr. Harvey Nash the world’s greatest bunny rabbit mathematician and had hired him to mathematically examine the tweets of Donald Trump to see if Trump was sending coded messages to Russian President Vladimir Putin through his tweets.
She had informed the editorial boards of The Washington Post and The New York Times about Dr. Harvey Nash’s assignment and they told her that they eagerly awaited the results of the investigation with editors from both papers sincerely saying maybe Dr. Nash’s inquiries should be the subject of a Congressional inquiry.
To be fair, she had also contacted Fox News about bunny rabbit mathematician Dr. Harvey Nash’s investigation.
But she never heard back from them.
The only thing she got was some nasty Fox News commentator saying that she Hillary had lost her marbles.
“Would you like another glass of lemonade, dear?” Bill called from the kitchen.
“No thanks,” Hillary said.
“But you had originally asked for 2 glasses of lemonade,” Bill pointed out.
“Well,” said Hillary, “I was originally wanting a glass for our guest but you didn’t bring him one.”
“What guest would that be, dear?” Bill asked.
Hillary shook her head and smiled at Dr. Harvey Nash the world’s greatest bunny mathematician as he mathematically found a coded message to President Putin in a single 3-letter tweet of Trump that said, WTF?.
“I think Bill is the one losing his marbles around here,” Hillary laughed.
“So no second glass of lemonade then, dear?” Bill asked again.
“No, but do bring some carrots 🥕,” Hillary said when she noticed how famished Dr. Harvey Nash looked.
“Did you say carrots?” Bill’s voice sounded quizzical from the kitchen.
“Yes, I said carrots,” Hillary sounded exasperated, “and really big ones too.”
“Chelsea,” Bill’s voice rang out, “will you go dig some carrots out of the garden? I’ve eaten carrots but I’ve never dug.”
“The carrots will be along shortly,” Hillary smiled at Dr. Harvey Nash the world’s greatest bunny rabbit mathematician.
. . .
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan was modelling the robes he would wear when he proclaimed himself the new Sultan of the revived Ottoman Empire (after he had held a national referendum rigged in his favour of course).
The designer of the robes was none other than the great Milan fashion designer 👩🎨 Fabius Faberge.
Erdogan had hired Fabius Faberge to design his Ottoman Sultan robes on the recommendation of British singer Sir Elton John.
“How do they look?” Erdogan asked Fabius Faberge as the Turkish leader twirled around in his robes.
“Fabulous,” Fabius Faberge answered.
August 23rd 2017 was indeed an inauspicious beginning to future geopolitical events on the world stage.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 23rd
2017.
Much Ado About The Orient Express
As Pan Goatee was about to board the train, he noticed a fat ugly looking blimp of a woman getting off in front of him.
She resembled a fat cow having a bad bovine face day.
Pan Goatee promptly took out his laser machete and cut her head off.
As he kicked the head off into the gutter and boarded the train, he thought about a movie he had watched a few nights earlier- Murder On The Orient Express set in the early 1930s.
Why Pan Goatee wondered, would anyone want to commit a murder on the Orient Express in those days?
They had no ugly women or very little at any rate back in the 1930s.
Not like this horrendous second decade of the 21st Century where ugly women were everywhere- at least in the Western world- trains, planes and automobiles.
Meanwhile in Istanbul, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan was celebrating his referendum win yesterday which gave greater powers to his Presidency paving the way to his becoming the new Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire.
Erdogan was so happy that he thought the original Orient Express railway route between Paris and Istanbul should be revived again.
Meanwhile in London, dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes was taking a British Conservative MP Agathor Christie a great nephew of Agatha Christie (author of Murder On The Orient Express) grocery shopping with her.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 17th
2017.
Dracul and Theodora
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing entered the Hippodrome Lounge in London.
The lounge had a large beautiful photographic mural background of the view of the Bosphorus Strait from Constantinople (which was sadly renamed the less romantic sounding Istanbul in the 20th Century).
Dracul recognized the vampiress sitting at the bar wearing a lovely navy blue evening dress.
“Theodora?” Dracul approached the vampiress.
“You recognize me?” the vampiress flashed her vampiric incisors in a dazzling smile.
“My parents had a Byzantine style mosaic mural of the court of the Emperor Justinian in our kitchen at home so yes I do recognize you,” Dracul nodded.
“And what do you want with me?” Theodora asked.
“Like you,” Dracul replied, “to rid the world of one Recep Tayyip Erdogan.”
“I hoped to convince Vladimir Putin to do that,” Theodora looked sad, “to invade Turkey, seize Istanbul, re-name it Constantinople and re-establish the Byzantine Empire with himself as Emperor.”
“Instead,” Dracul ordered a double Scotch, “it appears that Vladimir and Recep are becoming quite buddy buddy like two sodomites in a Turkish steam bath.”
“I blame the Babylonian vampiress Lilith for this,” Theodora seethed, “she wants Turkey, Russia and Iran to form an axis and attack Israel.”
“Yes, Lilith has never forgiven the Jewish people for the Babylonian Talmud,” Dracul stated, “she claims the Babylonian Talmud maligned and libeled her good reputation which may or may not be true. I never lived in the day when the Babylonian Talmud was written and Lilith was running around doing her early vampiric thing.”
“But what does Putin hope to gain from attacking Israel?” Theodora asked.
“Well according to clandestine reports,” Dracul explained, “a few years ago, Israeli archaeologists discovered a large portion of the treasure of Solomon never seized by Babylonian, Syrian Greek or Roman forces. The treasure found is estimated to be in the hundreds of trillions of dollars. Rumour has it that Putin wants to grab his hands on that.”
“So Putin is going to Israel to take a spoil?” Theodora’s dark eyes flashed.
“Yes,” Dracul nodded, “which is exactly the way the ancient Hebrew prophet Ezekiel phrased it.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 12th
2017.
This Ottoman Is Getting A Little Worn
In Berlin, Germany, Chancellor Angela Merkel was enjoying a nice dinner of sauerkraut and German sausages along with a glass of white Riesling wine.
In Ankara, Turkey, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan the would-be Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire was busy peeing his pants and foaming at the mouth over the fact that Berlin wouldn’t allow rallies in Germany for his pro-dictatorship referendum among Turkish citizens living there.
A pissed off Erdogan accused Berlin of “aiding and harbouring terror”.
As Erdogan continued to rant and rave in one of the 250 rooms of the new Presidential Palace in Ankara, a bat flew into the room.
The bat immediately turned into a Greek woman wearing a Phoenician purple coloured evening dress.
“Who the Hell are you?” Erdogan demanded to know as saliva flew up into his moustache.
The woman who was a vampiress picked Erdogan up by his collar and threw him against one of the room’s gold-plated walls.
“I am the Vampiress Theodora, you impotent little bedwetter with a small penis,” the Byzantine vampiress introduced herself, “in my mortal life, I was the Byzantine Empress Theodora the wife of the Emperor Justinian I the greatest Emperor of the Byzantine Empire. Just letting you know that the Ottoman Empire will never be revived. Istanbul shall revert to being called Constantinople again and will once again be the capital of a new Byzantine Empire after you centuries old interlopers have gone.”
She kicked Erdogan in his children’s marbles sized testicles with her purple spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes, turned into a bat and left.
“Ow,” Erdogan rubbed his testicles, “I think I much prefer that ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith who has the little green frog called Nimrod that sometimes jumps up from the top of her low-cut dress.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 3rd 2017.
Theodora: Byzantium shall be restored.
Salaman The Magician Magic Show Runs Amok
Salaman The Magician Magic Show Runs Amok
Salaman The Magician had had a successful run with his magic show in London.
Audiences were raving about it.
Although on this night, the raving was done by Boris Johnson the former Mayor of London and Euro-sceptic Conservative MP who mistook the magician’s sawing his beautiful female assistant in half in a box draped with the Union Jack as an endorsement of an EU superstate over a sovereign United Kingdom.
To settle things down, Salaman The Magician decided to saw his beautiful female assistant in half in a box draped with the European Union flag instead much to the cheers of the pro-Brexit crowd.
After sawing the woman in half and separating the European Union flag draped box, the audience shouted, “Don’t bother putting her back together.”
So the magician’s assistant had to be put together backstage.
Sitting next to Boris Johnson in the audience was the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith.
Lilith had been asked by Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to bump off Johnson because the Turkish despot and would be restored Sultan of a revived Ottoman Caliphate was offended by Boris Johnson’s offensive limerick about him that won The Spectator Magazine’s President Erdogan Offensive Poetry Competition.
The plan was for Nimrod (the builder of the Tower of Babel who was now a frog due to a vampiric kiss magic spell gone awry) to hide down the front of Lilith’s lavender coloured evening dress between her cleavage (where Nimrod often liked to be for some reason) and then jump out at an appropriate moment during the performance to ribbit an Amazon River basin poison plant dart out of his mouth in Johnson’s direction.
Unfortunately for Erdogan’s homicidal plans, Nimrod had accidentally purchased a bottle of Bavarian Magic Mushroom Liquid Gel instead of Amazon River Basin Poison Plant Liquid Gel by mistake at a London chemist shop earlier in the day.
So when Nimrod jumped out from between Lilith’s cleavage as the stage band played Beethoven’s Ode To Joy as Salaman sawed the European Union draped flag box (with beautiful female assistant inside) in half, the ancient prince turned frog fired Bavarian Magic Mushroom Liquid Gel into Johnson’s Adam’s Apple.
Instead of immediately keeling over and dying on the spot (which would have occurred had the fast acting Poison Plant Liquid Gel been used), Johnson instead fell to his knees and said, “Is this a leather skirted dominatrix I see before me?”.
As Johnson babbled about pirate ships under attack by bunny rabbits, Lilith and Nimrod hastily exited the theatre.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 21st
2016.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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