Q’ orianka Kilcher Is Renfield’s Favourite Environmentalist

December 11, 2019 at 11:58 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Q’ orianka Kilcher Is Renfield’s Favourite Environmentalist

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was back in the cozy comfort of his Tewkesbury Bed and Breakfast after an extensive night of door-to-door campaigning the evening before tomorrow’s UK General Election.

“So, how did it go?” His friend Amadeus asked as he ate a strawberry jam covered crumpet.

“It went fine until the very last house,” Renfield answered, “when I dropped all my cue cards. The voter finally closed the door on me by the time I got all my cue cards together in the right order again.”

Taking a cue from British Prime Minister Boris Johnson and his British Conservative Party TV ad parodying that famous scene from the 2003 Richard Curtis directed film Love Actually (that starred Hugh Grant) where some shy love struck man finally professes his love to his now married (to his best friend) woman of his dreams by appearing at her door on Christmas Eve and using cue cards to express his love, Renfield decided to use the same technique on his last night of campaigning.

He certainly earned a great deal of money this evening as most people gave him a quid and told him to “bugger off”.

Renfield gave Amadeus his opinion of a recent test flight of a sea plane that happened this week in the Canadian province of British Columbia.

An old late 1950s De Havilland sea plane was fitted with an electric motor and ran its entire flight using electricity.

Harbour Air the Vancouver based company that successfully conducted the 1st all electric sea plane flight was hoping to make its entire fleet of sea planes run on electricity rather than fossil fuels by 2022.

“It’s innovation like this that is going to reduce fossil fuel use and carbon emissions and help the climate and environment, ” Renfield explained, “not the totalitarian Marxist style one world government by 2030 in the name of sustainable development that’s being promoted by the United Nations, George Soros, Jeffrey Sachs, U2 bonehead Bono and Pope Francis in the name of alleviating climate change. Of course apocalyptic soothsayers of doom like Greta Thunberg are causing more people to embrace the UN 2030 Sustainable Development Goals Agenda that if imposed would bring all of humanity under a draconian and despotic future. Orwell’s 1984 will then be complete in 2030.”

“Did you know that Greta Thunberg was named TIME Magazine’s Person of The Year today?” Amadeus asked.

“Shit,” said Renfield.

The MP sipped his hot tea.

“Still I shouldn’t be surprised,” Renfield acknowledged, “an age of hysteria like the age we’re living in is going to impose its accolades on hysterical people.”

“I suppose that’s true,” Amadeus nodded.

“You know,” Renfield gazed into the fire place, “For the past 10 years, the woman who’s probably Hollywood’s most talented actress and yet also one of its least known has been promoting the message of climate change and getting off fossil fuels. She’s been constantly doing this since 2009 when she was acclaimed for her role playing the Hawaiian Crown Princess Ka’iulani in the 2009 film Princess Ka’iulani. Her first breakthrough performance came back in 2005 when she played Pocahontas alongside Colin Farrell’s Captain John Smith in the 2005 film The New World. The first car she ever bought was an electric car long long before Elon Musk ever developed and marketed his Teslas. She makes her own dresses and gowns all made out of recycled materials. And has her own small fashion line doing the same thing.
She goes down to Peru (her father’s ancestral homeland) continuously to help the indigenous peoples living down there. She led a demonstration against Peru’s then President Alan Garcia after his government had massacred indigenous peoples in the Amazon region for daring to stand up to multinational companies in Peru wanting to exploit the region for its resources. And she led that demonstration in Peru. She was the first public figure to expose that massacre to the entire world. She was also arrested twice in the U.S. for demonstrating against Garcia and the U.S. oil companies he was in bed with. Once chaining herself to the White House fence on an occasion in 2011 when Barack Obama met with the genocidal Garcia. She has constantly spoken out on climate change and issues affecting the world’s indigenous peoples. And always does it in a calm, gentle and rational manner. She has an inner strength about her that’s stronger than any outburst of anger or grumpiness. Her gentleness backed by that inner strength cannot really be fought or argued against. So much more effective than someone who comes across as a teenaged poster child for someone desperately in need of taking anger management classes. And Q’orianka has been doing this for 10 years now. How long has this Greta Thunberg been talking about climate change? Just over a year. So why have most people heard of Greta and not Q’orianka? Probably because Q’orianka is an indigenous woman descended from the Quechua peoples of Peru who helped build the Inca Empire and were master mathematicians, architects and astronomers. While Greta on the other hand is white and came from Sweden the first country to give the world pornography and gender re-assignment surgery. We know for all this talk of diversity in the year 2019 where the real power still lies.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 11th
2019.

Q’ orianka Kilcher at the 2nd Annual Legacy Charity Series Gala In Santa Monica California

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Renfield’s Skating Party

December 7, 2019 at 11:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield’s Skating Party

After having spent the previous night on the Norwegian island of Spitsbergen, British MP Renfield R. Renfield returned to his constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds to begin his last week of campaigning before next week’s UK General Election.

Tonight he would be hosting a skating party with hot chocolate and marshmallows on a skating pond not far from the town of Tewkesbury.

“It will be nice to see you on skates,” Angelique Dumont remarked to Renfield.

“Actually I won’t be skating,” Renfield said, “I’ll be standing at the back of a one horse open sleigh and handing out cups of hot chocolate and marshmallows to constituents.”

“But we told the local papers you’ll be skating to the music of Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake when it is played on the pond’s speakers,” Amadeus noted.

“Why the heck did you do that?” Asked Renfield as he turned pale.

“You had once told a Russian ballerina back in the summer of 2016 when you were reading Hillary Clinton’s emails with her at the Russian Underground Spy Academy in Kiev that you had once skated to the music of Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake,” Amadeus pointed out.

“But I just said that to impress her,” Renfield protested, “I don’t know how to skate.”

“Well, this should prove interesting,” Angelique commented.

Later down at the frozen pond, Amadeus and Angelique pushed Renfield on his skates to get him started.

Renfield went screaming and flying and skated straight into a bunch of American CIA agents sent to assassinate him.

He took all the assassins out with one blow as he sent them flying into the snow bank.

Angelique and Amadeus then got Renfield back up and sent him skating again.

Likewise the ineptly skating Renfield skated straight into a bunch of Russian FSB agents sent to assassinate him taking them all out with one blow as he sent them flying into another snow bank.

Angelique and Amadeus once again got Renfield back up on his skates and pushed him on to the ice again.

This time the ineptly skating Renfield skated straight into a group of Vatican based Jesuit assassins and likewise took them all out with one blow sending them flying straight into a snow bank.

“Bravo! Bravo! Great performance!” The spectators applauded thinking that Renfield’s botched skating attempt of Swan Lake and the botched assassination attempts were all a pre-planned part of the show.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 7th
2019.

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Saint Nicholas’ Night In Spitsbergen

December 6, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Saint Nicholas’ Night In Spitsbergen

The Set Enterprises jet landed down at the Spitsbergen International Airport.

On board were British MP Renfield R. Renfield, his friend Amadeus Emanon, members of Renfield’s personal British Army Brigade of Gurkhas and the pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever.

Strawberry Fields Forever had been flown to Spitsbergen for safe keeping since Xi Jinping had placed a death edict on him.

Renfield was dressed in the robes of and wearing the mitre of an Eastern Orthodox bishop.

He was also sporting a huge white beard and carrying a bishop’s staff shepherd’s crook.

“Tell me again why you’re dressed like that?” Asked Amadeus.

“Just on the off chance anybody asks, I’m Saint Nicholas the Bishop of Myra here to deliver a gift to the Frozen North Orleans Jazz Cafe in Spitsbergen,” Renfield answered as he practiced his knockout the heretic Arius at the Council of Nicaea punch.

“And the gift is Strawberry Fields Forever?” Amadeus asked.

“Exactly,” Renfield nodded.

When the plane finally halted, Renfield got off the plane in his bishop’s robe and gave his Apostolic episcopal blessing on the frozen wasteland.

Renfield imparted the Sign of The Cross blessing and said, “Ho-te-deum. Ho-te-deum. Ho-te-deum.”

“What does that mean?” Amadeus inquired.

“That’s Ho-Ho-Ho in Latin,” Renfield grinned underneath his beard.

“But I thought Saint Nicholas was a Greek bishop,” Amadeus noted.

“Oh shut up, Amadeus,” Renfield tripped over his bishop’s staff shepherd’s crook and went tumbling down the plane stairs.

“And I just text messaged J.K. Rowling,” Amadeus looked at his smart phone, “and she answered back right away. That isn’t how you say Ho-Ho-Ho in Latin.”

“I’ve got more important things to worry about,” Renfield stood up on his feet, “like I just froze my ass off hitting the ice on the airport tarmac.”

Suddenly a huge beam of light came down on the plane.

“This is Norwegian Immigration Authorities,” a voice said, “we want to see your identification papers.”

“We don’t have any,” Renfield answered back.

Suddenly a group of armed Norwegian Immigration officials surrounded them.

“We didn’t think you did Immigration checks here in the frozen wasteland of Spitsbergen,” Renfield called out, “We didn’t think you Immigration and Customs types enjoyed freezing your asses off.”

“We don’t,” said the snarky Immigration official, “we don’t enjoy freezing our balls off either if we had any. Mostly we’re at Customs and Immigration points where we harass tourists from Spain. But a psychic talking lutefisk on the King of Norway’s silver plate in his palace had a vision of a man dressed up as Saint Nicholas the Bishop of Myra up to no good on the island of Spitsbergen on the Night of the Feast of Saint Nicholas. That’s why we’re here.”

“No doubt, the psychic talking lutefisk also told you about the cartloads of illegal lutefisk we’re trying to smuggle into Spitsbergen in the cargo section of the plane,” said Renfield.

“What?” The Norwegian Immigration official immediately shit his pants which immediately turned to ice on this godforsaken frozen night, “Everybody unlock and search the cargo boxes.”

All the Norwegian Immigration officials immediately took the lids off the cargo crate boxes and dove in.

“But, Renfield,” Amadeus pointed out to his friend, “There’s no lutefisk in those crates. The Boss (the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set) stocked them with crocodiles to give Strawberry Fields Forever extra protection during his stay at the Frozen North Orleans Jazz Cafe.”

“Silly me, I forgot,” Renfield grinned sheepishly as the Norwegian Immigration officials uttered loud shrill piercing screams while they were eaten alive by crocodiles who were busy enjoying their first night in frozen Spitsbergen.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Friday December 6th
2019.

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Canada’s Throne Speech and Krampus Carries Off Vienna’s Cardinal Schonborn

December 5, 2019 at 11:57 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Religion, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Canada’s Throne Speech and Krampus Carries Off Vienna’s Cardinal Schonborn

“So,” Amadeus asked his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield, “Did you hear that after Justin Trudeau had finished making fun of Donald Trump at the Buckingham Palace reception the other night, he grabbed a box of opium laced catnip, came out to the Set Estate, gave the opium laced catnip to the Boss’ guard and watch cat Nefertiti Galore to send her off to La-La-Land and then proceeded to engage in mystical communion with the pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever?”.

“I heard that,” Renfield acknowledged after he watched the garbage men sanitation engineers getting high after emptying the garbage cans containing Nefertiti Galore’s cat litter.

“I assume that Justin then probably met his alien friend Gali-Gula the ET gray from Planet Nibiru who’s possessed by the spirit of the ancient Roman Emperor Caligula?” Amadeus ate his toast.

“Harvey Tallbanger tells me that he did,” Renfield nodded, “Gali-Gula helped Trudeau write the Canadian Governor-General’s Speech From The Throne which was read today at the opening of the new session of the Canadian Parliament in Ottawa.”

Amadeus read from the Canadian throne speech on his laptop the following words, “We all share the same space/time continuum on the same planetary spaceship.”

“I think Justin was not the only one inhaling Strawberry Fields Forever’s exhaled pot smoke,” Renfield remarked, “Gali-Gula must have imbibed a great deal as well to pen that whopper of a line.”

“Moving on to another subject,” Amadeus read to Renfield the following news item, “It was announced this past December 3rd that Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen who was 20th Century America’s greatest Roman Catholic evangelist and preacher has had his beatification ceremony postponed. He was supposed to be beatified this coming December 21st but the ceremony has been postponed. Apparently the first time in Church history that a beatification ceremony has been postponed. What’s up with that?”.

“Apparently certain members of the USeless Conference of Catholic Bishops objected to Sheen being beatified,” Renfield replied.

“Why would they object to Sheen being beatified?” Amadeus inquired.

“Because Sheen was a staunch anti-Communist and what’s more he was truly intellectual and scholarly in his anti-Communism unlike most members of the John Birch Society. Therefore true Communists detested Sheen even more than they did the John Birch Society whom they just regarded as a bunch of “proletarian deplorables”. An elitist attitude still shared by 21st Century female Marxist candidates for President.”

“You’re saying certain members of the USeless Conference of Catholic Bishops are Communists?” Amadeus was shocked.

“Yes, either Communist or predatory homosexual (who sexually assault altar boys and young seminarians) or both,” Renfield nodded, “Sheen did not get along well with the predatory homosexual Archbishop of New York City Francis Cardinal Spellman. Hence Spellman’s modern day disciples among the USeless Conference of Catholic Bishops can’t stand Sheen either.”

“Wow,” Amadeus shook his head.

“Elizabeth Scalia an airheaded associate of the ludicrous Bishop Robert Barron who thinks Hitler, Stalin, Mao and Pol Pot are in Heaven since there’s nobody in Hell according to his Dare We Hope That All Are Saved? Theology (both Jesus of Nazareth and Raymond Red Reddington of The Blacklist could easily tell him “No.”) tried to say that Sheen himself was gay by calling him a “flouncy” in one of her Twitter tweets. She obviously never saw the episode of What’s My Line? where Archbishop Sheen as a guest easily charmed the women panelists. Most women can easily tell whether a man is gay or not unless of course they’re as stupid as Elizabeth Scalia.”

“Who’s leading the USeless Conference of Catholic Bishops’ charge against Bishop Sheen’s beatification?” Amadeus inquired.

“The spirit of Antichrist filled Archbishop of New York City Timothy Cardinal Dolan and the spirit of Antichrist filled Archbishop of Chicago Blaise Cardinal Cupich,” Renfield answered, “The usual suspects.”

. . .

Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol was walking the streets of Vienna the Austrian capital.

He stood in front of Saint Stephen’s Cathedral in Vienna where recently a Baphomet worshipping music and dance concert was held there with the permission of Christoph Cardinal Schonborn the Archbishop of Vienna.

As Whitstable stood there, he suddenly noticed Cardinal Schonborn himself walking down the street.

Suddenly Krampus the infamous half-goat half demon who used to follow around the saintly bishop Saint Nicholas came down the street.

Krampus was carrying his bag full of naughty individuals he was taking to Hell on this Krampusnacht (the evening of December 5th- the night before the Feast Day of Saint Nicholas which was December 6th).

Krampus picked up Cardinal Schonborn with his hairy arms and threw him into his bag.

He then went down a sewer no doubt on his way to Hell.

Whitstable bought himself a candy cane from a street corner Santa Claus.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 5th
2019.


The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec singing at a concert hall in Vienna while outside in the streets, Krampus is carrying Vienna’s screaming Archbishop Cardinal Schonborn in a bag on his way to Hell.

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Trump Blasts “Two-Faced” Trudeau

December 4, 2019 at 10:57 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Trump Blasts “Two-Faced” Trudeau

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in a lounge in a London hotel and discussing the day’s NATO Summit events with his friends Mei-ling Manchu, Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont.

“So I see Donald Trump, while he was in a press conference meeting with Angela Merkel this morning,” Amadeus bit into his nut spread and sauerkraut sandwich, “said that Justin Trudeau was “two-faced”. What do you think of that description of the Canadian Prime Minister?”.

“Well, I suppose, since Justin Trudeau occasionally wears blackface,” Renfield answered, “Being “two-faced” might be an accurate description.”

“Doesn’t he also wear brown face and a turban when he’s pretending to be Aladdin’s genie?” Angelique Dumont inquired.

“And a green face when he’s pretending to be a Martian to impress giggling teen-aged pot smoking desert cactus girls?” Mei-ling Manchu added.

“I think Trump was angry because Justin Trudeau made fun of him in what the Canadian Prime Minister thought was a private conversation between himself, Boris Johnson, Emmanuel Macron and the Dutch Prime Minister at last night’s NATO banquet reception hosted by Her Majesty the Queen at Buckingham Palace, wasn’t he?” Amadeus downed his Earl Grey tea.

“Could be,” Renfield nodded, “although Set Enterprises’ secret agent Harvey Tallbanger reports that a man wearing blackface and a turban was seen walking on the terrace outside Melania Trump’s bedroom last night. And Harvey said Melania this morning left her room smiling like the Mona Lisa.”

“Like a moth to a flame eh?” Mei-ling quipped in reference to the U.S. First Lady’s fashion faux-pas at the Buckingham Palace reception last night.

“Speaking of flames, is the pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever going to be returned to Justin Trudeau?” Amadeus asked.

“Apparently not,” Renfield shook his head, “Set Enterprises is still worried about the threat posed to Strawberry Fields Forever’s life by Xi Jinping’s death edict written in medieval Imperial Mandaran – a scroll that Sydney Australia based billionaire Mr. Inn Lu was able to translate. And security on the Trudeau estate in Ottawa is pretty lax seeing as how it’s overseen by Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman the pot-smoking sheriff of the mystical hippy commune village of Calypso’s Bosom. Therefore Set Enterprises is moving Strawberry Fields Forever to the safety of a jazz cafe on the island of Spitsbergen. They don’t think that PRC Ministry of State Security operatives will want to freeze their asses off on an assassination mission in Spitsbergen.”

“From what I know of PRC Ministry of State Security operatives, that assessment is probably correct,” Mei-ling Manchu nodded.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 4th
2019.

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NATO Summit London

December 3, 2019 at 10:27 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

NATO Summit London

Donald Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron met and wrestled with one another.

Macron asked, “What’s the purpose of NATO? There is no purpose to NATO. The Cold War has been over for almost 30 years.”

Trump responded, “We have new enemies. China is the new enemy.”

The Donald mentioned this even as he was placing an order for Chinese food on his Huawei smart phone.

Then at 10 Downing Street, Boris Johnson hosted a dinner meeting with Emmanuel Macron, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan and German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

Macron and Erdogan then got into a wrestling match over NATO.

“NATO is brain dead,” said Macron.

“On the contrary, you’re brain dead,” Erdogan responded, “for not knowing what a terrorist is.”

“What is a terrorist?” Angela Merkel asked as she applied pancake makeup and a maple syrup facial cream mask to her face.

“Anybody of Kurdish ancestry,” Erdogan answered as he held the French leader in a choke hold.

“Who am I going to wrestle with?” Angela Merkel asked Boris Johnson as Erdogan and Macron continued to wrestle with one another on the kitchen table knocking over plates and dishes.

Boris Johnson said he was going to step outside for a moment in an effort to avoid wrestling with Angela Merkel.

As Johnson stepped outside 10 Downing Street, a reporter asked him, “Mr. Johnson, how many children do you have?” which was a question the British Prime Minister was recently asked in a BBC TV interview.

“I don’t know how many children I have,” Johnson answered angrily which was the same response he gave the BBC interviewer.

“Now there’s a frightening thought,” the vampiress Mei-ling Manchu remarked to British MP Renfield R. Renfield as they were sitting in a 2nd floor office at 10 Downing Street, “Boris Johnson has done it so many times with different women, he doesn’t know how many children he’s had.”

“That is a frightening thought,” Renfield admitted as his hair started to stand on end.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 3rd
2019.

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215 Years Since Napoleon Bonaparte’s Coronation In Notre Dame Cathedral

December 2, 2019 at 11:57 pm (Fantasy, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

215 Years Since Napoleon Bonaparte’s Coronation In Notre Dame Cathedral

It was 215 years ago today that Napoleon Bonaparte had himself crowned as Emperor of the French in Notre Dame Cathedral.

Pope Pius VII had held the crown at the coronation ceremony in Notre Dame but Napoleon grabbed the crown from the pontiff and crowned himself Emperor of The French.

The Kraken Napoleon VI (who was a huge admirer of the original Emperor Napoleon I) decided to mark the occasion by having himself crowned Emperor of the French again.

He had himself crowned Emperor of the French by the Monsignor of Notre Dame Cathedral back on December 2nd 2015.

But no one in the French government or any voters among the French electorate recognized the Imperial Coronation much to the Kraken’s disappointment.

Of course on this particular occasion Notre Dame Cathedral was now closed to the public since the April fire in the cathedral earlier this year.

And the Monsignor of Notre Dame Cathedral attended classes on the Quran every Monday night so he was unable to attend for the Kraken’s re-coronation service this evening.

So the Kraken decided to hold his re-coronation ceremony (marking the original Napoleon’s 215th year of coronation) in front of Paris’ famous Arc de Triomphe.

He wore neo-Napoleonic French Imperial robes designed by the House of Chanel to easily accommodate his 8 arms.

He hired a stork (who had tired of the baby delivering business) to fly down and deposit the Crown of Napoleon I on his head after fireworks had gone off and the Orchestre de Paris had finished played a stirring rendition of La Marseillaise as well as the theme music from the 1983 James Bond film Octopussy.

The ceremony went off without a hitch.

Donald Trump, who was currently in London for tomorrow’s 70th Anniversary meeting of NATO, watched the coronation ceremony on British television.

Trump thought to himself, “I really should have myself crowned Emperor of America.”

. . .

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was likewise in London for the 70th Anniversary meeting of NATO.

He had recently heard the good news from CSIS (Canadian Security Intelligence Service) that a pair of time travellers had gone back in time and rescued his pet pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever from being murdered by PRC Ministry of State Security operatives on Xi Jinping’s orders.

Justin Trudeau had heard that Strawberry Fields Forever was currently being kept on the colossal London estate of the Egyptian billionaire Set who owned the multi-billion dollar research and development firm Set Enterprises.

Trudeau directed the Canadian Embassy car to be driven to the Set mansion so he could re-unite with his old friend Strawberry Fields Forever.

However Justin did not announce his visit and the Embassy car was set upon by the Set Estate’s guard and watch cat Nefertiti Galore who tore the Rolls-Royce limousine apart with her claws.

She then set out after the Canadian Prime Minister and the Embassy chauffeur.

The Embassy chauffeur managed to escape.

Justin wasn’t so lucky.

He had his clothes ripped off by Nefertiti Galore’s claws.

He was then arrested by Scotland Yard police for exposing himself on the streets of London.

. . .

British MP Renfield R. Renfield and his friend the vampiress Mei-ling Manchu were in London and were walking back from a service commemorating the victims of last Friday’s London Bridge attack.

Renfield happened to walk in the way of Donald Trump who happened to be exiting his limousine.

Trump who thought Renfield could be as easily pushed around as the Prime Minister of Montenegro a couple of years back pushed Renfield out of the way.

Big mistake on Trump’s part.

Renfield turned around and punched Trump in the head sending his golden urine coloured toupee flying 50 feet down the street.

Secret Service agents tackled Renfield to the ground thinking he was an assassin.

Big mistake on the Secret Service agents’ part.

Mei-ling Manchu moved quickly into action and used her martial arts skills to kick and send all of the Secret Service agents flying over the dome of Saint Paul’s Cathedral.

A dirigible flying above the dome carried John Donne’s message, “Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 2nd 
2019.

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Shakespeare Said It Best: All’s Well That Ends Well

November 29, 2019 at 11:24 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Shakespeare Said It Best: All’s Well That Ends Well

“I wonder why Trump spent Thanksgiving in Afghanistan?” Amadeus asked his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield.

“It was apparently decided at a meeting of the U.S. National Security Council this past Wednesday night,” Renfield explained, “They thought it would be safer for Trump to be in Afghanistan than for him to be dropping turkeys from a dirigible on to the heads of innocent passers-by who were visiting the Lincoln Memorial.”

“Why would hurling turkeys from a dirigible be a problem?” Amadeus asked as he ate his turkey sandwich and drank his Ocean Spray Cranberry Cocktail.

“You do know turkeys can’t fly, don’t you?” Renfield with a raised eyebrow asked Amadeus.

“They can’t?” Amadeus stopped eating his turkey sandwich momentarily.

“No,” Renfield snarled.

“Oh,” Amadeus answered with his usual brilliant grasp of the situation that would have sent legendary detective Sherlock Holmes hurling himself in exasperation from the 2nd floor window of 221B Baker Street had Amadeus lived with Holmes rather than Watson.

Renfield’s smart phone went off.

The MP talked and then said, “That’s very good news, Dr. Rocher. Thanks for calling.”

“What was Dr. Cadbury Rocher phoning about?” Amadeus asked as he spilled Cranberry Cocktail all over his white shirt.

“Dr. Rocher has been talking to a Sydney Australia based billionaire named Inn Lu the past week,” Renfield said, “According to Inn Lu, yesterday was an auspicious time mathematically speaking for time travellers to travel back in time and time travel back to Xinjiang China a few months ago and save the pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever from being murdered on Xi Jinping’s orders. Unfortunately our two volunteer time travellers the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and Dracul Van Helsing couldn’t use the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland because that’s currently undergoing maintenance repairs as a result of the Hindu god Shiva taking disco dance lessons in the tunnel from John Travolta while William Shatner and those members of the Bee Gees who are still alive sang Saturday Night Fever songs backwards. Fortunately Set Enterprises owns a small working time tunnel in the Austrian Alps – the same locale used in the filming of The Sound of Music where ice glaciers and snow fields melted at the melodious voice of Julie Andrews as Maria dancing in the meadows. Dracul and Qonzilqointec had taken a small cactus from the Joshua Tree National Park north of Palm Springs California and substituted it for Strawberry Fields Forever in his holding cell in the re-education camp for transgendered Uighurs in Xinjiang only hours after the pot smoking cactus had told his PRC captors “Better dead than red” and Xi Jinping had given the orders for Strawberry Fields Forever’s wish to come true. So it was actually a Palm Springs north socialite cactus who was butchered by Mei-ling Manchu while Ho Babylon Minh video recorded it for Justin Trudeau. Strawberry Fields Forever is now back in the present and currently alive and well while a slice of a wealthy Palm Springs north socialite cactus is now in the possession of Xi Jinping’s gardener.”

“That’s wonderful news,” Amadeus took off his cranberry cocktail laced white shirt just as the matronly middle aged woman who ran the Tewkesbury Bed and Breakfast entered the room.

The sight of Amadeus with his shirt off caused the woman to swoon like a school girl and buckle at the knees and then collapse on to the floor.

“Now look what you’ve done!” Renfield cried out to Amadeus.

“Does this mean we’re not going to get scones and biscuits for high tea?” Amadeus asked.

Meanwhile a Set Enterprises pterodactyl drone flew to Australia to deliver the news to the pot smoking cacti twins Material Girl and Mellow Yellow that their father Strawberry Fields Forever was in fact still alive.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 29th
2019.

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Birthday

November 28, 2019 at 10:44 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Life, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Birthday

His birthday fell on U.S. Thanksgiving this year.

And he was Canadian.

So his birthday would be being marked south of the border.

Rita Hayworth was his favourite actress.

Although he had daydreamed about her, she had never appeared in any of his dreams as he slept.

Possibly the new year of his life was off to a good start as he had dreamed about her in the early morning.

In his dream, he had been a detective.

And he had been called in with his cousins to solve a mystery of a rock music band who had mysteriously disappeared on his uncle’s farm.

And Rita Hayworth was his assistant who helped him solve the mystery.

Or at least he assumed he had solved the mystery.

He woke up just as he dreamed he was kissing her.

But still that was off to a good start.

Usually he always woke up before he got the chance to kiss any beautiful woman who appeared in his dream.

He walked outside to shovel the snow.

As a great deal of snow had fallen over night.

As he walked down the steps of the house where he rented a basement room, he noticed rabbit tracks in the snow around the front yard.

That was always a good sign for a new year of life.

As rabbits always made him think of his father who had been born in the Chinese zodiac year of the Rabbit.

. . .

Xi Jinping the paramount leader of China wondered who this mysterious Mr. Inn Lu was in Sydney Australia who was hiding a PRC (People’s Republic of China) Ministry of State Security intelligence defector named Wang in one of his Sydney safe houses.

Wang defected with the help of another Ministry of State Security operative the Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh (granddaughter of Vietnamese leader Ho Chi Minh).

Ho herself then went and defected to Taiwan.

Xi tried to get ahold of another Ministry of State Security official the vampiress Mei-ling Manchu to try to track down both defectors.

But she didn’t seem to be answering her Huawei smart phone.

. . .

“Well, Mei-ling,” British MP Renfield R. Renfield asked his vampiress friend from Beijing, “What have you come to tell me?”.

“Well,” Mei-ling licked her vampiress incisors with her tongue, “I’ve decided to overthrow China’s megalomaniac totalitarian despot Xi Jinping and make myself Empress of China.”

“An excellent idea,” Renfield sipped his brandy, “what can I do to help?”.

. . .

Inside a time tunnel in a mountain hideout, the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was about to set out with her companion:

“Well, Dracul,” she asked Van Helsing, “are you ready to begin our mission?”.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Thursday November 28th
2019.

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Dwight Ball Gets A Cream Pie In The Face While Renfield Discusses Pope Francis’ Agony

November 26, 2019 at 11:57 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Dwight Ball Gets A Cream Pie In The Face While Renfield Discusses Pope Francis’ Agony

Set Enterprises’ secret agent Harvey Tallbanger an invisible 6 foot 8 tall Welsh pooka bunny rabbit who was also a good friend of noted Albertan and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had been visiting Canada quite a bit recently.

He had thrown a cream pie in Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s face on Election Night when Justin had rudely interrupted Opposition Conservative Party leader Andrew Scheer’s televised concession speech by starting his own victory speech 38 seconds into Scheer’s concession speech.

Sometime later Harvey Tallbanger had thrown a cream pie into the face of Bloc Québécois asshole and separatist leader Yves-Francois Blanchet who said that western Canadian alienation was of no concern to him and the people of Alberta and Saskatchewan could go drown in their oil.

Later Tallbanger had thrown cream pies into the faces of Green Party Parliamentary leader Elizabeth May and former Progressive Conservative Prime Minister Kim Campbell for making air headed statements in television interviews.

He had also thrown a cream pie into the face of Vancouver Mayor Kennedy Stewart who said that there was no such thing as Western Canadian alienation – only Canadian Prairie province alienation (which was probably true) because pot smoking lower mainland British Columbians shared so much in common with the pot smoking Federal Liberal Party in Ottawa (also true).

Kennedy Stewart got a cream pie in his face from Harvey for sharing the same opinion of Albertans as the Bloc Québécois asshole leader.

Not to be outdone by the same coterie of airheads and assholes as those previously mentioned, Newfoundland and Labrador Liberal Premier Dwight Ball met with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and said that overcoming Canadian prairie province alienation shouldn’t be regarded as being a high priority on the Canadian national agenda.

After the meeting, Mr. Ball got a cream pie in his face from Harvey Tallbanger.

He also received a raspberry from Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster of Great Britain who did not think much of Newfoundland and Labrador’s lobster industry.

. . .

Donald Trump was sitting at his Oval Office desk when he was informed by one of his aides that the man he was planning to name as his National Security Council head next week (after firing the current NSC head in a Twitter tweet next week) – Mr. Eichmann Himmler the ICE agent extraordinaire (that was Trump’s description) had been eaten by crocodiles in a hotel swimming pool in Sydney, Australia.

“Bugger!” Trump threw aside a fountain pen that had once been given him by the recently laicized former Cardinal Theodore McCarrick.

“A group of U.S. Navy SEALS have entered the pool to try and recover what’s left of him,” the aide informed Trump and then left.

Trump picked up the phone and dialled a number, “Hello, Ivanka? You know how to use an encyclopedia for research don’t you? That’s great. Because I don’t. Listen, I want you to go to the encyclopedia and dig up whatever dirt you can find on crocodiles because I want to write a nasty tweet about them.”

. . .

Amadeus Emanon visited his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield who was campaigning for re-election in the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.

“Did you see that video of Pope Francis listening to the Bishop of Nagano Japan playing the guitar at a late 1960s and early 1970s style hippy hootenanny Mass that was held in the Jesuit Pope’s honour on his recent visit to Japan?” Renfield asked Amadeus.

“No, I didn’t,” Amadeus answered.

“You should have seen the intense expression of agony on Francis’ face when that guitar was being played,” Renfield laughed, “I imagine it will be 2nd only to the intense expression of agony he’ll have on his face when he finds out his destination on Judgement Day.”

“I wonder who taught the Bishop of Nagano Japan how to play guitar?” Amadeus mused aloud.

“It was apparently William Shatner,” Renfield replied.

“I didn’t know William Shatner knows how to play guitar,” Amadeus was shocked.

“Yes, he apparently learned how to play guitar by playing Bob Dylan songs backwards to try to detect evidence of Klingon backwards masking,” Renfield explained.

As the words of William Shatner reciting Bob Dylan’s Mr. Tambourine Man filtered through the neighbourhood, dogs howled, cats screeched and the scream of the turtle was heard throughout the land.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 26th
2019.

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