Renfield, Michelangelo and The Vampiress Isis

July 20, 2017 at 5:44 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield, Michelangelo and The Vampiress Isis

Newly elected British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield was hard at work in his Parliamentary office at Westminster.

“Hello, Venus In Stilettos 👠 Escort Agency?” Renfield was on the phone, “I was wondering if you could send a girl over to my Parliamentary office here in Westminster?”.

A voice similar to that of Charlie Brown’s teacher on old TV Peanuts cartoon specials spoke in reply.

“What am I interested in?” Renfield asked, “A literal reenactment of the title of that old Bryan Adams song The Summer of ’69.”

A choked gasp came from the voice that sounded like Peanuts Charlie Brown’s teacher.

“That’s right,” Renfield nodded and grinned, “I want to be able to say these are the best days of my life.”

The voice spoke again.

“Thanks,” Renfield smiled, “Send her right over.”

Renfield put the phone down and manicured his fingernails.

“Who knew that being an MP could be so much fun?” Renfield looked at himself in the mirror atop his desk.

The phone rang again.

“Renfield R. Renfield,” the new MP answered.

It was the Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis calling.

“Oh, hello, Isis,” Renfield undid his tie, “Thanks very much for taking me on that month long motorcycle 🏍 tour of France right after I was elected MP.”

“It was my pleasure, Rennie dearest,” Isis spoke in a sultry seductive voice, “Now, I was wondering if you would do me a favour.”

“Anything,” Renfield looked at his globe of the world.

“I understand Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster has the ability to enter people’s dreams,” Isis stated.

“That is correct,” Renfield picked up a volume of Jung On The Collective Unconscious.

“I was wondering if you could talk to Michelangelo and get his psychic antennae to pay attention to this one certain individual’s dreams for me,” Isis requested.

“Well,” Renfield in his mind’s eye could see his former boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set slashing his delicate Renfieldian throat with those 66-inch long vampirically red fingernails of his, “Um… well as you know Michelangelo is a genetic creation bought and paid for by my former boss Set’s hard earned billions. I really don’t feel like betraying my former boss especially when I’m still living in his mansion.”

“Fine, you be loyal to your former boss then,” the vampiress Isis laughed an evil laugh, “but don’t be so unhappy when I send all those London newspapers the photos I took of you in all those compromising positions with various young French mademoiselles.”

Renfield was silent for a moment.

Finally he grabbed a pen and paper and spoke, “And what was the name of the individual whose dreams you want Michelangelo to enter?”.

Isis mentioned the individual’s name.

Renfield wrote it down.

He then hung up the phone without bothering to say good-bye.

That name sounded familiar for some reason.

Renfield checked his mobile phone and read an email that his friend and former co-employee Amadeus Emanon had sent him that afternoon.

“You asked me to tell you whenever Michelangelo predicted a good sound investment for the future. This afternoon he came up with one. He recommends you buy paintings painted by the South African artist SAREJESS as sound art investments for the future.

-Amadeus ”

Renfield looked at the globe of the world again.

Was this coincidence?

Or a case of Jungian synchronicity at work?

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 19th
2017.

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Renfield and Jane Austen

July 18, 2017 at 3:01 pm (books, Celebrities, History, Literature, News, Vampire novel) (, , , )

British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield returned to his home- the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

At the door, he was greeted by Set’s personal valet and butler Athelstan.

“You’re wearing more black than usual today, Athelstan,” Renfield noted, “Is there something wrong?”.

“Begging your pardon today, sir,” Athelstan answered, “but I’m in mourning.”

“Did your mother die after being killed in a bar room brawl arguing over who’s the best premier league football player in all England?” Renfield asked.

“No, sir,” Athelstan shook his head, “but I do worry about that happening, I must admit. Every time I see her, I keep telling her, Mother, you’re going to have to stop drinking and getting into violent arguments about British, European and FIFA World Football at the same time. Having to bail you out of jail all the time is starting to affect my savings to say nothing of my worrying about you being killed in one of these silly arguments.”

“If it’s not your mother,” Renfield inquired, “who is it that you’re in mourning for?”.

“It was 200 years ago today, sir, on July 18th 1817 that the great British novelist Jane Austen died,” Athelstan looked sad, “I’m in mourning for her.”

“Did you personally know her, Athelstan?” Renfield opened up a bottle of Brown Ale.

“No, sir, I’m not a vampire, I’m a mortal 50 years old,” Athelstan replied, “but I do love her work.”

“Didn’t Dracul Van Helsing once play Mr. Darcy in an amateur drama company’s live theatrical production of Pride and Prejudice in his home town in Alberta, Canada?” Renfield asked.

“I believe he did, sir,” Athelstan nodded.

“Well, carry on then, Athelstan,” Renfield looked at his watch, “and do let me know when it’s the 200th Anniversary of Charles Dickens’ death.”

“I will, sir,” Athelstan took Renfield’s hat and cane and now empty bottle of Brown Ale.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 18th
2017.

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Renfield and The UK Foreign Affairs Committee

July 17, 2017 at 5:24 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Renfield and The UK Foreign Affairs Committee

Newly elected British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield was named to the UK Parliamentary All-Party Committee On Foreign Affairs.

He was asked to give a presentation today on last Friday’s Bastille Day meeting between French President Emmanuel Macron and U.S. President Donald Trump.

For the presentation, MP Renfield made a short music video- a video showing the never ending handshake between Mr. Trump and Mr. Macron on the streets of Paris.

Instead of news audio commentary on the video, he had the musical soundtrack of that old Beatles song “I want to hold your hand” playing in the background.

As Trump held Macron’s hand, the Beatles could be heard singing,

“Oh, please say to me
You’ll let me be your man
And please say to me
You’ll let me hold your hand
Now, let me hold your hand
I want to hold your hand…”

Renfield’s music video presentation on the handshake left his fellow MPs speechless.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 17th
2017.

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Renfield Examines Pope Francis’ Call For A United States of Europe

July 10, 2017 at 3:08 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Newly elected British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield was examining his parliamentary briefing notes for the day- particularly those with regard to foreign and global affairs.

Last Thursday, Pope Francis had apparently given an interview to 93-year-old atheist Eugenio Scalfari.

The interview was published in last Saturday’s La Repubblica.

After saying in the interview that “America and Russia, China and North Korea, Russia and Assad” all had distorted visions of the world, Pope Francis then gave his own vision for the world, “Europe must assume as soon as possible a federal government and federal parliament, not from individual confederated countries.”

In effect, Pope Francis was calling for a United States of Europe.

Renfield wondered what the end result of all this would be?

He decided to ask the one individual who would probably know- Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

So Renfield went down to the Set Enterprises lab to talk to the genetically created psychic crustacean.

As Renfield walked through the lab door, he asked, “Hey Michelangelo, what do you think of Pope Francis when he calls for a United States of Europe?”.

Michelangelo in his aquarium happened to be holding in his lobster claws a waterproof copy of the King James Bible (for the lobster loved the sheer beauty of Shakespearian era English) and he just happened to be reading the Book of Revelation, Chapter 13 verse 11, “And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth; and he had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 10th
2017.

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The Hamburg G-20 and Renfield’s Return To Britain

July 9, 2017 at 5:31 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

The Hamburg G-20 and Renfield’s Return To Britain

At the recent G-20 Summit in Hamburg, Germany, a protestor shouted at Donald Trump, “Your daughter Ivanka would make a better President than you.”

To which the Donald responded much to the protestor’s shock, “You’re probably right.”

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was then asked by a protestor, “If I shot and killed a U.S. soldier, would you give me $10.5 million like your government gave Omar Khadr?”.

“You don’t understand this is a Canadian Charter of Rights issue,” Justin blubbered before taking his shirt off to pose for a selfie with a young pretty German fräulein.

“Are you sure this wasn’t just a major bimbo eruption on the part of your government?” The Niburuan ET gray Gali-Gula asked him.

Justin gave him the finger.

Gali-Gula looked down and thought to himself, “That’s what I get for wearing this I Love Alberta t-shirt that I bought on my recent trip to Alberta.”

A Canadian reporter in the crowd remembered the words of wisdom that the learned historical archivist Jack Morrow (son of the late 1st Chief Justice of the Northwest Territories Mr. Justice W.G. Morrow) said at the time that Pierre Elliot Trudeau repatriated the Canadian Constitution with an entrenched Charter of Rights back in 1982, “Well now that the overaged Marxist flower child Pierre has repatriated the Constitution with an entrenched Charter of Rights, soon the only Canadians with rights left in the country will be criminals and perverts.”

With the awarding of $10.5 million to the terrorist Omar Khadr by the Justin Trudeau government, the learned Jack Morrow’s prophecy had come true.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel was asked how she enjoyed the sauerkraut and sausages in Hamburg.

“Loved it,” she replied.

. . .

Newly elected British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield had finally returned to Britain after what he described “as a successful personal Tour de France.”

“What was the purpose of your visit to France?” A reporter asked the new politician described as “Britain’s most dynamic ” in comparison to such fossils as Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn.

“To establish better relations with the French people,” Renfield shoved some condoms back in his pants pocket that seemed to insist on falling out.

“What political figure do you most feel a kinship to?” Another reporter asked.

“John F. Kennedy,” Renfield finally got the condoms back in place.

“What did you think of the anti-capitalist protestors at the G-20 Summit in Hamburg?” A BBC reporter asked Renfield.

“They should have used real cannons on them instead of water cannons,” Renfield replied.

“What do you think of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau?” A Globe and Mail reporter asked Renfield.

“The man’s a total ass,” Renfield answered, “It’s my friend Dracul Van Helsing who really should be Prime Minister of Canada.”

Watching the press conference on television, the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec inwardly agreed.

Somehow she’d find a way to make Dracul Van Helsing Prime Minister of Canada.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 9th
2017.

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Amorous Laetitia’s Motorcycle Ride

June 23, 2017 at 4:34 pm (Humour, International Intrigue, Mythology, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

The Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis had been taking newly elected British MP Renfield R. Renfield on a motorcycle tour of the French countryside.

Renfield was bound to be successful in politics.

He had only been in office a week and already he was ignoring his constituents’ concerns and going off on an extravagant foreign trip.

This seemed to be the only issue on which politicians of the political left, politicians of the political right and politicians of the political center appeared to share mutual agreement.

Since Isis was a vampiress, they rode by night and slept by day.

Renfield and Isis were currently sleeping in a rustic rural French inn with their motorcycle parked outside.

The inn taverne door slammed and a rather large black cat stumbled outside.

The black cat was Amorous Laetitia who was the personal black cat and familiar to Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft.

Her mistress had recently been beheaded by genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee and then her head was eaten by the Norse wolf Fenrir.

As such, Laetitia to drown her sorrows had turned to her favourite liquid substance in a saucer- which was Bailey’s Irish Cream and not milk.

Laetitia had spent the evening drinking Bailey’s Irish Cream inside the taverna and when she exited very late in the morning, she spotted Isis’ motorcycle.

She hiccoughed and thought to herself that one thing about being a familiar to the goddess Hecate is you quickly learn how to hotwire a motorcycle.

She did so and sped down the open road.

Black Cat On A Chopper: A Poem

It’s really something to see- a black cat on a chopper
as tall tales go, you think I’m telling a whopper
but Amorous Laetitia rode down the road- not very straight
because the taverne waiter in refilling her Bailey’s was never late

Now it’s really not a very nice thing to drink and drive
as the bees thought when she crashed through their hive
now motorcycle gendarme Nicole Bardot was riding her police cycle
when she saw Laetitia speed past the statue of Saint Michael

She got on her cycle and rode
as Laetitia hit a toad
who was Asmodeus in disguise
the cat blinked her bleary red eyes

And soon the cat was in the village drunk tank
and Nicole Bardot found herself promoted in rank.

-A vampire novel chapter and poem
written by Christopher
Friday June 23rd 2017.
Nicole Bardot
French motorcycle gendarme Nicole Bardot: Busted the black cat Amorous Laetitia for drinking Bailey’s Irish Cream and then stealing and driving a chopper motorcyle.

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Renfield Sings A Song and Is Offered A Bribe

June 17, 2017 at 3:40 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

At a Saturday picnic for newly elected British MPs, Renfield R. Renfield stood up and sang that old Talking Heads song Our House giving his own variation to it,

Our house in the middle of our street
Cars kept driving through it all the time
Dad should never have built
our house in the middle of our street…

Leaving behind a stunned looking group of fellow MPs, Renfield R. Renfield walked up to his parliamentary aide, “You have a message for me?”.

“Yes,” his aide answered, “from the Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis.”

“Oh,” said Renfield, “my boss’ enemy. Or I should say my former boss’ enemy.”

As Renfield realized that being an MP, he no longer worked for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Renfield read the message on his aide’s smart phone,

“My dearest Renfield,

So pleased to hear you’ve been elected an MP. The British public finally realizes your genius. I’d like to take you for a motorcycle ride and we can discuss our mutual interests. For your pleasure, I’ll wear the same outfit I wore 60 years ago on my cross-country motorcycle tour of France. Please find attached a photo from that cross-country motorcycle tour of the summer of 1957.”

-Love,
Isis (the vampiress and not the loser scumbags of Islamic State)

“I can’t believe the nerve of that vampiress,” Renfield shouted angrily, “Thinking she can bribe me with a cross-country motorcycle tour of France. Who does she think I am?”.

“Here’s the photo of her and the outfit she wore 60 years ago on her last motorcycle tour,” his aide held up the picture, “the outfit she says she’ll wear again for you.”

Vampiress Isis Rides A Motorcycle

Renfield looked at the photo.

Renfield instructed his aide, “Phone Isis and tell her I’ll be flying over to France right away.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 17th
2017.

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Qonzilqointec, Dracul and The Dolphins

June 16, 2017 at 4:45 pm (Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec In Brighton

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was anxiously waiting for Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing in her Brighton seaside resort hotel.room.

When he entered, she turned swiftly around in her slit skirted peach evening dress and threw out her arms towards him, “Dracul.”

Dracul ran towards her.

They embraced.

Soon Dracul and the Aztec vampire princess were down on the elegant French style sofa making wild passionate love.

On the television in the next room, BBC News TV cameras were focused on the swearing-in of new Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds MP Renfield R. Renfield.

“Mr. Renfield, is it true that you’re the greatest lover in Britain?” A reporter asked Renfield.

“Yes, it is,” Renfield answered.

Meanwhile in Brighton, Qonzilqointec was having the mother of all orgasms.

Renfield turned to his parliamentary aide behind him, “I hate to lie on my first day in office. See what we can do about deporting Dracul Van Helsing out of the country.”

Later down on the Brighton beach, Qonzilqointec and Dracul were making love in the sand.

“Isn’t this what Olivia Newton John and John Travolta did in Grease?” Qonzilqointec moaned in ecstasy.

“I think it was Brylcreem rather than ordinary grease that Travolta used,” Dracul answered with the heaving and pounding of the waves on the beach that matched the heaving and pounding of vampire hunter and vampiress.

Soon as the waves surrounded them and Qonzilqointec shouted, “My God, I’ve never felt so wet,” a pod of dolphins surrounded them.

“Look,” said Qonzilqointec, “we have an audience.”

“Dolphins in Brighton,” Dracul said, “that doesn’t happen very often.”

“They’ve come to watch our lovemaking,” Qonzilqointec sighed

“Never thought I’d end up a High School Biology teacher for dolphins,” Dracul remarked.

And the show went on for hours.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 16th
2017.

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Renfield’s Past Forays Into The Theatrical Arts

June 15, 2017 at 3:12 pm (Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, Musicals, Stage, theatre, Theatre Arts, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Britain’s The Sun newspaper decided to do a story on newly elected British MPs.

The first MP selected was Renfield R. Renfield the newly elected MP for the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.

He was one of two MPs elected for the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party.

Allthough Mr. Renfield founded the British Transhumanist Party in 2013, he was ousted as Party Leader in 2015 after the British Transhumanist Party’s disastrous showing in the May 2015 UK General Election.

He was replaced by Welsh songstress Morgana Fay Lee (who some people call the Welsh Vampiress Morgana) as Party Leader.

Morgana Fay Lee was likewise elected an MP in her constituency of Newbridge in Wales.

After their two parliamentary electoral victories in this past June 8th UK General Election, Morgana announced she was stepping aside as Party leader saying she was unable to carry out much duties in the daytime (further leading to speculation that she’s a vampiress).
Welsh Vampiress Morgana
Welsh Vampiress Morgana After Twilight

Although Mr. Renfield R. Renfield is a long-time Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the British firm Set Enterprises (owned by the billionaire Egyptian Mr. Sol Invictus Set), he is best known for his forays into the field of theatrical arts.

A Clockwork Orange
Scene from Renfield R. Renfield’s West End London’s stage production of Stanley Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange.

Puccini's Madame Butterfly
Scene from Renfield R. Renfield’s production of Puccini’s Madame Butterfly.

My Fair Lady
Scene from Renfield R. Renfield’s production of the musical My Fair Lady.

Hot Girls In Love
A scene from the music video Renfield R. Renfield shot for the song Hot Girls In Love.

Alice In Wonderland
And upon not seeing either the March Hare or the Mad Hatter anywhere in sight, Alice poured tea for herself.
-From the Renfield R. Renfield production of Alice In Wonderland.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 15th
2017.

The Welsh Vampiress Morgana
The Welsh Vampiress Morgana: Never appeared in a Renfield R. Renfield production thus saving her musical and artistic career and allowing her to be elected to Parliament.

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Set Buys Himself A House

June 14, 2017 at 3:31 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

So now that Serena was free of her magician’s assistant contract with the Great Houdini, Set decided to buy a house for them to live in once they were married.

He bought the house a colossal mansion in West London in 1924.

This was the house as it looked in a painting in 1926.
The West London Colossal Mansion of the Billionaire Ancient Egyptian Vampire Set

91 years after the painting was painted, the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was meeting in his colossal West London mansion with his Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering Renfield R. Renfield.

“So Renfield, now that you’ve been elected a Member of Parliament, you’ll probably no longer be able to carry out your duties as my Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering,” Set scratched a chalkboard with his 66 inch long fingernails.

Renfield held his ears, “No, probably not, boss.”

Amadeus Emanon started playing Mozart’s Eine Kleine Nachtmusik on the piano in the drawing room.

“Which means since you’re no longer my employee, you’ll no longer be able to live in this mansion,” said Set coldly.

Renfield started to cry.

He hadn’t thought of that when he first ran for MP.

But then again he never really expected to be elected.

Renfield expected he had scored quite highly on the autism spectrum in the test that his mental health counselor had given him yesterday.

“However I’ve been talking to my chartered accountant Ian Mandell Boring who professionally goes by his initials I.M. Boring,” Set started feeling drowsy, “and he says if you pay me $12,000 rent a year to live here, you’ll be able to declare that on your expense account and be reimbursed at the end of the tax year. Besides having an MP in the household is a good thing. That way, I might be able to influence government policy.”

“Thanks, boss,” Renfield loudly blew his nose into his handkerchief.

“So, of course in the meantime, I’ve had to hire a new Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises,” Set looked out the window.

“And who is that?” Renfield asked while drinking from a bottle of whisky.

“Sherrielock Holmes,” Set answered.

“The world famous London dominatrix?” Renfield was shocked.

“Yes and I believe your personal dominatrix,” Set played with his Rolex watch on a chain.

“Those are vicious rumours spread by the fake lying media in this country,” Renfield did an impersonation of Donald Trump.

“Sherrielock will be able to use the dungeons in the basement for her dominatrix business by night,” Set reflected, “and by day, she’ll do what you used to do.”

“You mean, during the day, she’ll do nothing,” Amadeus quipped as he entered the room.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 14th
2017.

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