A Morning With Renfield and Amadeus

November 15, 2017 at 4:04 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , )

A Morning With Renfield and Amadeus

Amadeus Emanon was sitting at the table in the kitchen of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion.

He was watching a BBC news clip on his Samsung Galaxy tablet.

The clip was an excerpt from a speech that his friend Renfield R. Renfield MP had delivered in the House of Commons yesterday.

In the clip, Renfield said, “The reason George H.W. Bush Sr. said “Read my lips” is he was trying to distract people from watching where he was putting his hands.”

Renfield came into the kitchen for breakfast 🍳 and Amadeus promptly switched off his Samsung Galaxy.

“A friend of ours from Western Canada emailed me a photo of Calgary this morning,” said Amadeus, “I noticed a lot of hoar frost around in the picture.”

“Are you talking about what gleams off trees 🌲 in the winter ❄️ or a surplus of prostitutes with an icy disposition?” Renfield asked.

And so the conversation went on in a similar vein over the munching of toast with marmalade and bacon 🥓 and eggs 🍳.

Amadeus put the radio on to listen to BBC World News.

At that moment from his aquarium in the Set Enterprises laboratories, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster psychically transmitted via his lobster antennae an extraterrestrial UFO radio news broadcast done over Planet Earth thousands of years ago.

The broadcast was picked up on the kitchen’s antique vintage 1930s RCA radio.

Intoned the ET radio news announcer via Michelangelo’s simultaneous English language translation, “Pride Parades in the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah came to a sudden and abrupt halt earlier today when fire and brimstone fell from the sky disintegrating both cities…”

And such was a typical morning breakfast in the life of Renfield and Amadeus.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 15th
2017.

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Renfield and The Churchillian Bottle of Brandy

November 11, 2017 at 4:42 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, Humour, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Renfield and The Churchillian Bottle of Brandy

It had recently come to the attention of Renfield R. Renfield MP that the last bottle of brandy that Sir Winston Churchill had ever purchased prior to his death was still unopened (thus giving some idea of the large collection of bottles of brandy that Churchill must have had).

Renfield thought that as the 21st Century Churchill, he really should be in possession of the last bottle of brandy that Winnie owned.

The bottle of brandy was to be auctioned off at Sotheby’s Auction House in London.

Renfield was unable to make it to the auction in person so he hired Dashwood Forrest the Oscar Wilde admiring owner of the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London to act as his agent.

Forrest attended the Sotheby’s auction along with his living dead manservant Mulligan the Irish zombie.

Unlike most zombies, Mulligan the Irish zombie never bothered eating brains seeing as how he never made use of brains when he was alive so why should he start now that he was dead?

Instead Mulligan relied on Guinness stout and Jameson whiskey for his sustenance- the same liquid sustenance that kept him going when he was alive and the same sustenance that kept him going now that he was one of the living dead.

Besides mortals kind of got pissed off at zombies for wanting to eat their brains although admittedly in this decade of heavy social media usage, the objections were no longer as vigorous as they used to be.

Mulligan was useful at the auction because he frightened off all the other bidders who wanted to bid on the Churchillian bottle of brandy.

Dashwood Forrest won the bidding and presented the bottle of brandy to a very happy Renfield R. Renfield .

Renfield sat in his Parliamentary office with his bottle of brandy, his recently acquired marble bust of Sir Winston Churchill and his recently acquired oil painting of Sir Winston Churchill (that hung on the far wall adjacent to his desk).

Renfield opened the bottle of brandy, poured some into his glass and then held it up to the painting in a toast.

Sir Winston Churchill then walked out of the painting and sat in the chair across from Renfield.

“You know what the saddest part about being a ghost is for me?” Churchill sighed, “Not being able to smoke a cigar or drink a brandy.”

Renfield looked down at his glass of brandy.

It must be pretty potent stuff Renfield thought to himself.

He hadn’t even took a sip of it yet and already he was starting to see things.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday November 11th
2017.

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The 100th Anniversary of The Russian Bolshevik Revolution

November 7, 2017 at 9:04 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The 100th Anniversary of The Russian Bolshevik Revolution

Renfield R. Renfield MP stood up in the British House of Commons and began his speech, “It was 100 years ago today that the Russian Bolshevik Revolution occurred when at 9:40 PM local time the cruiser gunship Aurora fired a shot at the Winter Palace in Petrograd (St. Petersburg) forcing the Provisional Government of Alexander Kerensky to surrender.
The Revolution marked the start of a century of bloodshed as Communists killed millions of people in their attempt to create a Utopia of peace, bread and prosperity.”

. . .

100 years earlier-

October 25th 1917 (on the old Julian calendar which Russia was using at the time)

November 7th 1917 (on the new Gregorian calendar which the Russian Socialist Federative Soviet Republic under Lenin would later adopt in 1918).

On the cruiser gunship Aurora, the 50-foot long Egyptian Serpent Apophis was coiled aboard deck.

Apophis who had convinced the German Kaiser Wilhelm II to smuggle Lenin back into Russia via Finland.

Apophis who had convinced the “useful idiots” in the Woodrow Wilson Administration to allow Leon Trotsky to leave the U.S. and return to Russia.

Apophis who hoped the new Red Dawn would forever block out Ra’s rising sun.

“Will anyone be able to stop this Revolution?” The Bolshevik captain of the Aurora asked.

“No,” Apophis shook his serpentine head, “it’s not likely that sometime within the next year that they’ll dig up Set from his tomb and he shall once again slay me with his giant spear like he used to do when he rode as a passenger aboard Ra’s solar barge.”

. . .

Renfield (whose code name was The Spear of Set when he worked at Set Enterprises) concluded his speech, “Vladimir Putin’s mistake in Russia is to attempt a synthesis of Imperial Czarist Russia and Soviet Stalinist Russia – a synthesis bound for failure. As with every other Hegelian synthesis in history. For as any person inclined towards sensible philosophy knows- Hegel was a pompous ass full of wind and fury whose flatulence in history will ultimately signify nothing.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 7th
2017.

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Renfield, Pope Francis, The Himalayan Serpent and The Buddha Statue

November 5, 2017 at 5:23 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Renfield, Pope Francis, The Himalayan Serpent and The Buddha Statue

“Pope Francis is the best and the ultimate argument against the heresy of Ultramontanism,” Renfield R. Renfield said in a speech to a group of Catholic Bishops from England and Wales which didn’t go over so well with those assembled there.

Renfield’s speech itself was supposed to be a peace offering with the Conference of Catholic Bishops of England and Wales after Renfield had given a speech in Parliament in which he had held up a photo of Pope Francis and said, “Only an idiot in his entirety would want to do away with the death penalty in its entirety.”

Pope Francis was alleged to have said to Walter Cardinal Kasper, “Will no one rid me of this turbulent MP?”.

Similar remarks had been made by Russian President Vladimir Putin to senior officers of the Russian FSB a couple of days earlier.

. . .

A mysterious golden cobra figure who called himself Maitreya lived in the Himalayas on the Tibet-Nepal border.

He lived deep inside a cave beneath one of the mountains.

Every hour at midnight local time, he was able to astral project himself anywhere in the world.

But by 9:00 AM local time, whenever the fur wearing golden cock atop the mountain crew, Maitreya immediately returned to his cave from wherever he was in the world.

So the damage the golden cobra serpent could do to the world was limited to between midnight and 9 AM local time on that particular spot of the Himalayas on the Tibet-Nepal border.

All controlled by the fur wearing golden cock on the top of the mountain.

The cock had been placed there by Saint Michael the Archangel to bind the golden cobra serpent.

Unfortunately on November 2nd 2017, the Chinese People’s Liberation Army were practicing firing a new big gun long-range cannon in the region.

The cannonball killed the 5000-year-old fur wearing golden rooster 🐔.

The result was Maitreya could now astral project any time of the day.

The golden cobra serpent entered a Buddha statue in a Buddhist temple in the City of Rome.

There the serpent planned its next move.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday November 5th
2017.

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Ghosts of Duckly Nephews’ Namesakes Plus Vladimir Putin Too

November 3, 2017 at 7:38 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Satire, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Ghosts of Duckly Nephews’ Namesakes Plus Vladimir Putin Too

With the arrival of the Egyptian god Thoth to our present spatial/temporal dimension this past August of 2017, various spirits had left their appointed places in the Underworld much to the Greek god Hades’ chagrin.

Among those who had left were the ghosts of former Louisiana governor Huey Long, former twice running Republican Presidential candidate of the 1940s Tom Dewey and Western Canadian Metis rebel leader Louis Riel.

The ghosts of Huey, Dewey and Louis chose to haunt the White House.

They had great fun with Donald Trump calling him Uncle Donald.

“Hi Uncle Donald,” they’d shout as they entered the Oval Office, “it’s Huey, Dewey and Louis here.”

. . .

Russian President Vladimir Putin was getting indigestion in the middle of eating his borscht soup.

Not so much the soup itself was causing the problem but what the Russian leader was watching on television.

British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield was standing on the steps of the Westminster Parliament in London and giving his opinion of the crisis in Spain 🇪🇸 to reporters, “Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy with his recent arrest of most of the Catalan cabinet is showing that he’s learned a lot from Russian President Vladimir Putin – throw in jail all those political leaders you’re in disagreement with.”

Putin immediately summoned the leaders of the FSB to his office.

“Well,” Putin sipped his samovar brewed tea with honey and sliced lemon, “this newly elected British MP Renfield R. Renfield is becoming a real problem for me. As we know, Donald Trump won’t succeed in his attempt to make America great again. Particularly now that he’s being haunted by the ghosts of Huey, Dewey and Louis.”

Putin seemed to know everything that was going on in the current White House.

“Now very early this year, I reminded Britain that they’re no longer a great world power,” Putin finished his tea, “and then in one of those ironic twists of history for which history is famous, no sooner had I said that then British Prime Minister Theresa May called a snap election and this Renfield character was elected to Parliament. I have had dealings with Renfield in the past when he was the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises in London. Now I have to admit that Renfield has beaten me several times at global chess – in the metaphorical sense. We’ve never sat down and played together on an actual literal chess board.”

Putin cleared his throat.

“The problem is knowing him as I do,” Putin grimaced, “is that he’s just the sort of man capable of making Britain 🇬🇧 great again making Great Britain truly Great Britain in fact as well as in name. If the sun once again doesn’t set on the Union Jack, this will mean trouble for the Russian Motherland.”

The FSB officers assembled in the room were silent.

Then in a paraphrase of English King Henry II’s statement about Archbishop of Canterbury Thomas Beckett, Putin asked, “Will no one rid me of this turbulent MP?”.

FSB officers looked at one another.

They knew what those words meant and implied.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 2nd
2017.

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Michelangelo’s Vision of Donald Trump’s Proclamation of Himself As A God

November 2, 2017 at 3:27 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Vision of Donald Trump’s Proclamation of Himself As A God

Renfield R. Renfield the newly elected British Transhumanist MP had had a busy day.

He discussed Brexit with British Prime Minister Theresa May.

He discussed the Spanish crisis with British Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson.

He discussed with Opposition Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn a private member’s bill to get the government to build safer low cost Community Housing in the wake of the Grenfell Tower fire tragedy.

He welcomed into his office a marble bust of Sir Winston Churchill that he had commissioned as he had decided that Churchill was the British politician he most wanted to emulate.

He had a phone conversation with German Chancellor Angela Merkel in which he said that it would be best for NATO if they booted the Turkey of despotic would be Ottoman Sultan Recep Tayyip Erdogan out of the Alliance saying it was not a good thing to have a “demagogic despotic radical Islamist wolf learning NATO’s secrets.”

He received a confidential email from Russian President Vladimir Putin in which the Russian leader invited the possible future Prime Minister to be his puppet.

Renfield in his response told Putin to go blyad himself as “I’m no Donald Trump.”

And speaking of Donald Trump, Renfield went down to the Set Enterprises laboratory to consult with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster to see what Donald Trump was up to today.

Michelangelo used his visualization technique and then transmitted the images and sounds via his psychic lobster antennae to Renfield’s iPad tablet.

Donald Trump stood in front of a large mirror and proclaimed to his image, “You are a god, Donald, and not a mere mortal. What other person on the face of the earth can force NFL players to bend the knee with the Imperial decree of a mere Twitter tweet?”.

Michelangelo then received a vision from the future – the year 2020- showing a Donald Trump Re-Election commercial.

The imagery of the commercial showed dozens of NFL players on their knees in front of their respective benches as the TV commercial’s announcer solemnly intoned, “At the name of Donald every knee shall bow and every tongue confess that Donald Trump is Lord.”

Well, Renfield thought to himself, I should upload Michelangelo’s visions to social media. That will be one surefire way of getting NFL players to stand for the U.S. National Anthem in the future.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 2nd
2017.

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I’m Taking A Break Off WordPress For A Week To 10 Days

October 15, 2017 at 8:15 pm (Life, News, Personal essays, Vampire novel) (, , , )

I’m Taking A Break Off WordPress For A Week To 10 Days

To all my friends, readers and fellow bloggers, I’m just letting you know that I’m taking a break off WordPress for the next week to 10 days.

I have been continuously blogging since January 4th of this year- which is probably the longest spell I’ve spent continuously blogging but now I’m starting to feel the growing pangs of writer’s burnout.

So I’m taking a week to 10 days off WP so I can re-charge my batteries as it were.

I’ll read your comments and blogs when I get back. 🙂

But seeing as how Renfield R. Renfield seems to be the favourite character in my vampire novel for a lot of people (including myself), I’ll leave you with some samples of how Renfield spent his day today:

Renfield received a note from Dr. Cadbury Rocher on how today October 15th 2017 was the 100th Anniversary of the execution of the famous femme fatale World War I spy Mata Hari.

So today to celebrate the occasion, Dr. Rocher had genetically cloned Mata Hari.

20 years ago, the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had hired a trio of unemployed jewel thieves to steal Mata Hari’s head from the Paris Museum of Anatomy.

The head had been in Set Enterprises’ possession ever since and using DNA from the head, Dr. Rocher had successfully created a fully grown adult female clone.

As for Renfield’s own activities, he had hacked into a meeting of those anarcho-Communists who called themselves Antifa who were meeting in a city in the U.S. and played on the projector in the room where they were meeting that 3 minute 13 second clip from the 1972 movie Cabaret where the Hitler youth starts singing Tomorrow Belongs To Me and hundreds of Germans stand up and join in the singing.

Then in another U.S. city, a group of Neo-Nazis and Ku Klux Klansmen were meeting. Renfield hacked into their projector and started playing a video of Martin Luther King’s I Have A Dream speech.

Lastly Renfield examined a female sex robot that Dr. Cadbury Rocher had just created.

The robotic female looked ultra-realistic, ultra-human, ultra beautiful and ultra sexy.

She was also dressed in a sexy outfit- a corset and leather mini skirt which could easily be removed.

The female robot even had a realistic feeling vagina.

The only thing was when a potential sex partner hit the robotic clitoris with a certain part of his anatomy, this would spring a built-in beaver trap in the vagina that would automatically clang on top of that person’s anatomical part.

Renfield put the female sex robot in a box and then had the box courier delivered to Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein. The tag outside the box read A Special Gift Just For You.

-A personal essay
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday October 15th
2017.

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Renfield Confronts A Radical Depopulationist

October 3, 2017 at 7:40 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Renfield Confronts A Radical Depopulationist

Renfield R. Renfield MP was riding the tube.

He was text messaging British Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson,

“European Union Commissioners and top bureaucrats in Brussels wouldn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground when it comes to the current situation in Spain…”

He went on,

“Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy is an asshole of epic proportions. And the current King of Spain 🇪🇸 Felipe VI isn’t far behind. He is definitely no King Juan Carlos I who united Spain 🇪🇸 in the tumult and fracas of the post Franco years…”

Renfield then finished his text message with these ominous words, “Spain 🇪🇸 I fear is on the verge of a 2nd Spanish Civil War.”

At that moment an angry looking man walked down the aisle of the train. He turned around and looked contemptuously at the other passengers on a train which wasn’t all that busy and said before sitting down, “The state needs to be depopulated.”

“Starting with you, you arrogant pompous asshole,” Renfield stood up with the gun he had just pulled out of his pocket and pumped 6 bullets into the man.

“You just killed that man,” a woman shouted.

“Aren’t you a Member of Parliament?” Another passenger asked Renfield.

“I am,” Renfield grinned, “I am also a member of Special Branch and a member of Her Majesty’s Secret Service so I have a license to kill.”

Renfield proudly held up his 0069 License To Kill card 💳 with photo ID.

As Morgan Freeman might well put it in a VISA Gold Card commercial, “Membership has its privileges.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 3rd
2017.

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Renfield Reflects On Hugh Hefner’s Death

September 29, 2017 at 4:21 pm (Commentary, Culture, News) (, , , )

Renfield Reflects On Hugh Hefner’s Death

“So I see Hugh Hefner the founder of Playboy magazine and the father of the Sexual Revolution has kicked the bucket,” Renfield R. Renfield MP remarked as he read The Times of London, “although I notice some of the tabloid newspapers phrase it as he has gone up to that great big mansion in the sky.”

“How do they know he hasn’t gone down to that great big fireplace down below?” Amadeus remarked between mouthfuls of peanut 🥜 butter and jam sandwiches.

Renfield found Amadeus’ remarks quite disturbing.

Later in his stately bedroom, the British Transhumanist Party MP, although an atheist, started to reflect on what would be the case if Amadeus’ belief in the afterlife was true.

Renfield picked up his red velvet dressing gown and his evening smoking pipe (inspired by the example of Hugh Hefner) and wondered if he should throw them out.

After all if the great big fireplace down below was in fact real, Renfield thought it might be a rather unpleasant experience to spend an eternity there.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 29th
2017.

Dante’s Inferno On A Friday Night:

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Dracul Van Helsing Meets The Norse Goddess Freya

September 25, 2017 at 3:27 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

The results of the German national election were in.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel had won a 4th term in office.

But the far-right ultra-nationalist AfD (Alternative fur Deutschland) came in 3rd place in the number of seats they won in the German Bundestag.

The Norse goddess Freya knew this would amount to trouble.

Already the Germanic god Wotan (whose Norse name was Odin) was making plans with the grey wolf formerly known as Adolf to take advantage of AfD’s surprising showing.

Ever since the bloodshed unleashed by German leaders Kaiser Wilhelm II and Fuhrer Adolf Hitler during the 20th Century, Freya thought of herself as more a Norse goddess rather than a Germanic goddess.

Today she would be meeting with vampire hunter and MI-6 agent Dracul Van Helsing to discuss the German election result and AfD’s showing.

Given his background in investigating matters supernatural and paranormal, Dracul would take note of Freya’s knowledge of the dark supernatural forces involved in AfD’s upsurge in popularity among the German electorate.

Plus Dracul Van Helsing was friends with British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield believed to be Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II’s most favoured choice to become Prime Minister should a National Unity coalition government be formed in the Westminster Parliament.

Freya sat there waiting for him.

The Norse Goddess Freya

Dracul Van Helsing approached.

“Are you ready to get started?” Freya asked.

“Yes,” Dracul answered, “but only if you take me over your knee and spank me first.”

“All right,” Freya adjusted her gray mini dress for she had been expecting this request, “lay across my skirt and I’ll spank you.”

She had heard that Dracul had made this request of other goddesses and vampiresses before entering into delicate negotiations.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 25th
2017.

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