Renfield On Why Putin Didn’t Want Hillary As President

April 24, 2019 at 10:07 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , )

Renfield R. Renfield MP was once again being interviewed on BBC News.

The topic was why Vladimir Putin didn’t want to see Hillary Clinton elected President of the U.S. in 2016.

“Well,” Renfield answered, “I’m sure Putin observed very carefully the successful foreign policy that Hillary implemented as Barack Obama’s Secretary of State. Her and Barack Obama’s interference in the internal affairs of Libya and Syria turned those two countries into the bastions of stability and beacons of light that the world can easily recognize in both nations today. Had not Gen. Abdel al-Sisi overthrown the hardline Islamist government of Egypt that was elected to power in the wake of Bararack and Hillary’s toppling of long time western ally Hosni Mubarak, Egypt would most likely be an anarchic basketcase like Libya or a war-torn bombshell of a country like Syria. The only successful case in the entire so-called Arab Spring of 2011 was in Tunisia and that was because that insurrection was planned by the Tunisian people themselves and not interfering American busybodies like Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Fortunately for the world, Hillary retired as Secretary of State in 2013 to start planning her campaign to be U.S. President in 2016. Also fortunate for the world, Putin recognized that with the incredible harm Hillary managed to accomplish as U.S. Secretary of State, she would manage to do even more incredible harm as President. From thereon, she was a marked woman as far as Putin was concerned. Now today, she’s a woman reduced to sticking pins in voodoo dolls as she herself mentioned in her last book. Fortunately for her opponents, her voodoo is about as good as the witchcraft spells being cast on a daily basis by Antichrist Hollywood’s resident airhead Alyssa Milano.”

“And so America got stuck with Trump?” The interviewer noted.

“Yes, America got stuck with Trump,” Renfield nodded, “we now know that Trump’s idea of making America great again was to have the country looking like Paris’ Notre Dame Cathedral on the morning of April 16th 2019. But at least it’s just America that has paid the price. We don’t have to worry about other countries falling into either anarchy or civil war because those on the American so-called progressive Left figure that what’s good enough for the American so-called progressive Left is good enough for the rest of the world.”

Hillary made a voodoo doll of Renfield after watching the interview.

“Ouch!” She suddenly screamed from the living room.

“What’s up?” Bill called out from the kitchen where he had been making himself Joe Biden’s recipe for a baloney sandwich.

The same recipe Biden would be using before delivering an important speech tomorrow.

“I’ve pricked my thumb with a pin,” Hillary cried.

“Have you been making voodoo dolls again?” Bill asked.

“Yes,” Hillary answered.

“Say, you weren’t expecting a visit from Alyssa Milano were you?” Bill queried.

“No,” Hillary shook her head, “why do you ask?”.

“I noticed some damned fool just flew her broomstick into the birdbath and now she’s being attacked by a flock of pigeons,” Bill gave verbal commentary while looking out the kitchen window.

“Charmed, I’m sure,” the talking pigeon who led the flock of birds quipped as he crapped all over her.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 24th
2019.

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Renfield Discusses Day of Fires

April 20, 2019 at 8:29 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Spy Tales, Technology, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield MP was having a Saturday night dinner with his friends Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont.

Renfield mentioned, “So, I just found out last night that there was a fire at the al-Aqsa mosque in Jerusalem at the exact same time as the fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris.”

“I didn’t know that,” Amadeus stopped in the middle of eating his salmon.

“It received almost no news coverage in the world on that day other than in the Middle East,” Renfield explained.

“What a strange coincidence that was,” Angelique reflected, “that two major centers of worship- Notre Dame in Paris and the al-Aqsa in Jerusalem would both have fires that same day.”

“Was Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s escaped basilisk responsible for the fire at the al-Aqsa mosque as well as that at Notre Dame?” Amadeus asked.

“Well, Dr. Rocher had implanted a GPS signal in the basilisk’s DNA so he’d know its location- technology which both the Chinese government and the U.S. government are currently fighting to develop so they can be the first to implement the Mark of the Beast system that no human being will be able to buy or sell without the Mark of the Beast in their DNA,” Renfield mentioned, “the GPS in Basilisk Wrathsbone’s DNA was picked up by sensors in the lobster claws of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster. Apparently the basilisk was nowhere near the al-Aqsa mosque at the time the fire started like it was at the exact location of Notre Dame when that fire started.”

“So I wonder who started the fire at the al-Aqsa mosque?” Angelique pondered aloud.

. . .

The commander of the Vampiric Knights-Templar Sir Boyle of Olay was speaking to Allatallahbell the Vampiress Priestess of Baal.

“Our efforts to burn down the al-Aqsa mosque this past Monday were sadly put to nought,” Sir Boyle of Olay commented, “the fire was finally brought under control. So we will have to wait a wee bit longer for the Temple of Solomon to be rebuilt. Even though most of Israel’s leading kabbalistic rabbis are sick of waiting.”

“It will take a while longer then for the god Baal to get his statue back up on the Temple Mount like it was when Solomon succumbed to the foreign influences of some of his 700 wives and 300 concubines and started erecting statues of his wives’ and concubines’ deities in the Temple,” Allatallahbell looked unhappy.

“We should never have brought the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow along on our mission,” Sir Boyle of Olay sighed, “He went and lost his head again. And as a result picked up bottles of coconut milk instead of cannisters of gasoline down at the Old City market. So we didn’t have enough fuel to start a real raging inferno.”

. . .

Today’s date.

Holy Saturday.

The Nazi vampire Franz Kohler of the SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau lit a cigarette.

April 20th.

Der Fuhrer’s birthday.

It had been a Holy Saturday as well – April 20th- in the year 1889- when Der Fuhrer had been born.

Now exactly 130 years later- Der Fuhrer’s birthday – was a Holy Saturday again.

Fires at Notre Dame in Paris and the al-Aqsa mosque in Jerusalem earlier in the week- both on the same day of Holy Week.

This was surely a sign from the Cosmos that there was something providential about this particular Holy Saturday as well.

Kohler’s cigarette went out.

He lit it again as the voice of a wolf howled on one hill.

And the voice of a jackal howled on the other.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday April 20th
2019.


Allatallahbell the Vampiress Priestess of Baal:
Waiting in time for the rebuilt Temple of Solomon

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Renfield Handles Eco-Anarchist Extremists

April 18, 2019 at 9:22 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) ()

For the second day in a row, environmentalist whacko eco-anarchists had glued themselves to the outsides of trains and buses in metropolitan London to force the government to do something about climate change.

As Renfield told BBC News later, “If the government isn’t going to listen to boring and badly written encyclicals by Pope Francis’ ghost writers on the subject, what makes them think they’ll listen to idiots who act as supreme nuisances for the public transit system?”.

Once again, long haired and bearded idiots of both genders and the various degrees of undefined genders had glued themselves to the outsides of a train in hopes of slowing down public transit (thereby drawing attention to their cause) as various brigades of emergency responders worked overtime to unglue the eco-anarchists.

On this particular day however, Renfield R. Renfield MP needed to get somewhere in a hurry by train.

“What’s the hold up?” Renfield growled as he got off the train.

“Another group of radical environmentalists have glued themselves to the outside side of the train, we’re waiting for emergency responders to come unglue them,” a London bobby explained.

“Me and the British public don’t have time for that,” Renfield growled again.

He walked up to the front locomotive of the train, stepped up and flashed his ID to the engineer.

“As one of the co-chairpersons of the House of Commons COBRA Emergency Committee,” Renfield explained, “I’m requisitioning this train.”

“Requisitioning this train?” Were the engineer’s words before he found himself out of the driver’s seat and replaced by Renfield.

“I have places to go and promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep,” Renfield paraphrased American poet Robert Frost as he started up the train engine.

“But there are people who have glued themselves outside to the side of this train,” the engineer protested.

“Well, it just isn’t their day is it?” Renfield remarked, “They probably should have stayed in bed this morning.”

As Renfield put his foot on the accelerator, it suddenly dawned on the eco-anarchists glued to the side of the train what was happening.

“The streets are alive with the sound of screaming,” Julie Andrews’ character of Maria from The Sound of Music would have probably sung had she been there.

The eco-activists’ screams seemed to accelerate in intensity with the acceleration of the train particularly as it rapidly approached the entrance of the oncoming tunnel.

The eco-anarchists, used to being coddled by the media, fawned over by Pope Francis and tweeted against by idiots on the other far side of the spectrum like Donald Trump weren’t used to being in the presence of someone who actually took concrete action like Renfield R. Renfield.

And speaking of concrete action, the eco-anarchists’ body parts and blood created quite the nouveau nouveau art splash on the concrete sides of the tunnel’s entrance as the train came racing through.

A quick call to the Saudi Embassy in London from Renfield’s phone and janitorial staff from the embassy who also served as members of the Saudi Secret Service were dispatched to clean up the mess before members of the British Heritage Trust had the chance to judge the splatter as a “remarkable example of modern art” and declare the mess a “national treasure” to be preserved for posterity.

Later that night, a spokesperson for 10 Downing Street said he expected the number of persons who would volunteer to glue themselves to the sides of trains and buses would probably drop to nil in the foreseeable future.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 18th
2019.

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Notre Dame Reflections

April 17, 2019 at 9:29 pm (Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic, History, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

“Hold the Cross high so I may continue to see it through the flames.”

-Joan of Arc

France’s national leader Emmanuel Macron held a somewhat different opinion than that held by France’s national saint when it comes to dealing with situations regarding fire.

The globalist New World Order leader and noted admirer of cougars who was promising to rebuild Notre Dame within 5 years (just in time for the 2024 Summer Olympics that Mr. Macron naturally visualized himself presiding over) thought that the new Notre Dame should reflect multicultural diversity rather than Catholicism.

Fortunately for Mr. Macron, he was not alone in holding to such idiocy.

One of the editors of Rolling Stone magazine likewise postulated that a rebuilt Notre Dame should reflect multiculturalism and multifaith diversity rather than the country’s Catholic past.

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster safely prophesied that the editor would not be calling on the Islamic mosques at Mecca and Medina to do the same thing- that the mosques should be rebuilt to reflect multiculturalism and multifaith diversity rather than the country’s Islamic past.

Said Renfield, “That is a safe prophecy to make. The rolling stoned editor knows that if he were to bloody well suggest that, he’d find himself being bodily dismembered by Saudi assassins who work part time as janitorial staff at Saudi embassies and consulates throughout the world.”

A professor of architecture at Harvard University had likewise suggested much the same thing- that Notre Dame should be a multicultural center rather than a symbol of Catholicism.

Noted Renfield, “Just last week I heard a commentator on the state of advanced education in the U.S. say that Harvard and Yale are no longer the institutions of culture and higher learning that they used to be. I guess that assessment is 100% correct.”

One reporter on the scene at Notre Dame commented, “The day after the night before at Notre Dame de Paris, the High Altar stands untouched with its gleaming Cross, along with the figure of the weeping Madonna holding her dead son Jesus in her arms. Meanwhile the modern altar installed after Vatican II lays buried under rubble from the collapsed roof.”

Pope Francis had already retreated to his room in the Vatican to put on sackcloth and ashes upon hearing what had happened to the modern altar.

Government surveyors from Emmanuel Macron’s office were already on the scene visualizing the rebuilding of the new Notre Dame- a statue of an Islamic State terrorist blowing himself up along with statues of tourists at a Parisienne sidewalk cafe being killed by the debris, a statue of Mormon Church founder Joseph Smith Jr. rolling a marijuana joint with the angel Moroni and statues of L. Ron Hubbard eloping with Jack Parsons’ mistress while Aleister Crowley looks on approvingly.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 17th
2019.

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Renfield Vs. Crowley Idolizing Jesuits: Vengeance For The Basilisk Attack On Notre Dame

April 16, 2019 at 9:58 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic romance, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

After Dr. Cadbury Rocher was handed over to his great-grandmother the immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes to get his buns tomatoed for genetically creating the basilisk that caused the fire that engulfed Notre Dame, Renfield was busy tracking down the Aleister Crowley admiring Jesuit priest Father Caiaphas bar Yochai the dark arts practicing sorcerer who flew the basilisk named Basilisk Wrathsbone that set fire to repair scaffolding at Notre Dame with his fiery venomous breath.

Father Caiaphas worked in the Antiquities Section of the Vatican Museum, headed the Rome chapter of the O.T.O. (Ordo Templi Orientis) and served as an advisor on papal liturgies for the Mass to Pope Francis.

Renfield found out in between blood curdling screams screamed by Dr. Rocher in Sherrielock’s dungeon below the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion that the odour of the weasel was apparently fatal to the basilisk.

Renfield bought a bottle of Odour of Weasel Perfume from a discount drug store in London’s Soho district.

He went down to Set Enterprises laboratory and got Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster to visualize the current location of the basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone.

The Baphomet worshipping Jesuit Father Caiaphas bar Yochai had apparently flown the basilisk to Libya for safety after the disastrous choice he made in getting the basilisk to set fire to Notre Dame with its fiery venomous breath.

The basilisk was a big hit with some of the Islamist terrorist militants there who shouted “Allah akbar!” when Notre Dame went up in flames.

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had volunteered to fight the basilisk and Father Caiaphas.

Qonzilqointec and Dracul had flown to Amman Jordan to meet Pegasus the winged horse (also genetically recreated by Dr. Cadbury Rocher) who would be their steed in battling the evil basilisk and its evil Jesuit rider.

Pegasus was currently owned by Queen Rania of Jordan.

Aztec vampiress and Canadian slayer returned to London on Pegasus.

There the Aztec vampiress picked up the bottle of Odour of Weasel Perfume from Renfield to slay the evil basilisk and Dracul picked up the authentic sword of Saint George the Dragonslayer from The Old Curiosity Shop (of Dickensonian fame) to slay the evil Jesuit.

Then they were off to Libya for the final showdown.


The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec: With a small bottle of Odour of Weasel Perfume in her purse, she’s off to Libya on Pegasus to slay the evil basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 16th
2019.

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The Basilisk and The Fire At Notre Dame Cathedral

April 15, 2019 at 9:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Set Enterprises’ resident sanity challenged scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher entered British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s office with a face whiter than a ghost.

“Your face is whiter than I am,” the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill remarked.

“And me as well,” commented the ghost of Orson Welles who was still in a state of shock over the fact that someone commenting on Dracul Van Helsing’s blog had never heard of him Orson Welles.

“And whiter than I am,” added the ghost of the late Ugandan dictator Idi Amin who had dropped into Renfield’s office just for the Hell of it.

“It’s this fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris,” Rocher sat down and helped himself to a bottle of Renfield’s whiskey.

“A devastating tragedy for all of humanity,” Renfield agreed.

And the ghosts of Churchill, Amin and Welles nodded their assent.

Within seconds, Amin’s ghost was chased back to the Underworld by Hades’ 3-headed dog Cerberus since it was Underworld policy that dictators and despots inclined to ethnic genocide should not be allowed to leave the place.

Amin returned to his spit alongside King Leopold II of Belgium down in Tartarus.

“Look at these photos someone text messaged me an hour ago,” Dr. Rocher showed Renfield his phone.

“Unholy smoke, Batman!” Renfield exclaimed, “They show a Jesuit priest (wearing his Jesuit robes and a t-shirt emblazoned with a photo of Aleister Crowley) riding a medieval basilisk and setting fire to repair scaffolding at Notre Dame with the basilisk’s fiery venom.”

“But I thought basilisks died out with the end of the Middle Ages,” Churchill bit the end of his spectral cigar, “so the Renaissance pope Julius II wrote in his diary when he hired Michelangelo to paint the Sistine Chapel in celebration of the death of the last basilisk.”

“Undoubtedly one of those evil 21st Century Transhumanist scientists has genetically re-created a basilisk again just to show the world they could do it,” Welles sipped a spectral glass of red wine.

“That would be me,” Dr. Rocher did a bad impersonation of American comic Bob Newhart whenever the comedian was caught with his pants down- metaphorically speaking (unlike Bill Clinton).

“You recreated a basilisk?” Renfield was shocked (and resolved never to screw in a lightbulb on his own again).

“I did,” Dr. Rocher held his head in shame, “just to show the world I could do it.”

“What did I tell you?” Welles’ ghost finished his wine and thought back to a radio commercial he once did about frozen peas growing in the ground in Norway in mid-July.

“Oh, shut up, Orson,” Churchill’s ghost was getting irritated.

“And you let this Jesuit have it?” Renfield wiped his spectacles, “Don’t you know that a great multitude of Jesuits are a bunch of satanic perverts?”.

“This Jesuit stole it from the barn where it was being held for safekeeping,” Dr. Rocher blubbered, “along with a Nazi vampire who’s the last surviving member of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau.”

“These Nazis never get up to any good,” Renfield fumed over his glass of whiskey.

“Agreed,” Chuchill’s ghost affirmed as he fumed over his glass of brandy.

“Most Jesuits never get up to any good either,” Welles poured himself another spectral glass of red wine and recalled a conversation he once had with film director Alfred Hitchcock on the subject.

On the television in Renfield’s office, the Kraken Napoleon VI addressed the world media with the fire smouldering Notre Dame in the background.

“My wife Medusa and I were married in that cathedral,” the Kraken wept octopus (as opposed to crocodile) tears, “we had ourselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France in that Cathedral even though most French citizens never recognized the coronation. The Egyptian vampiress Isis pushed world-famous Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius to his death from the bell tower of Notre Dame. And Dr. Cadbury Rocher used the vampiress Isis’ secret laboratory below Notre Dame (which isn’t so secret anymore now that I just blabbed about it) to re-assemble the sub-atomic particles of the vampire Osiris after he had been disintegrated by a Russian laser death ray.”

“I didn’t know you had done that?” Renfield looked at Dr. Cadbury Rocher, “Does Set know you did that?”.

“He does now,” Dr. Rocher sighed.

Putting on a tartan kilt and a t-shirt emblazoned with a photo of Mel Gibson as Braveheart William Wallace, the Kraken swore to the world media that he would destroy whoever and whatever was responsible for the fire that engulfed Notre Dame.

“Wait until my great-grandmother the immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes finds out I was the one responsible for creating the basilisk that caused the fire that engulfed Notre Dame,” Dr. Rocher continued to snivel, “I’ll be unable to sit down comfortably for the next decade.”

“With all due respect, Dr. Rocher,” Renfield admonished, “with this devastation of a great French, European and world cultural landmark, the prospect that your buttocks will be in the upmost suffering and agony for the next 10 years seems the least pressing of all the major problems afflicting the world at the present moment.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 15th
2019.


The immortal world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes:
Will get to the bottom of whoever was responsible for creating the basilisk that caused the fire that engulfed Notre Dame

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Renfield’s Political Incorrectness and Nomination For A Guest Host For TCM

April 10, 2019 at 10:24 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Television, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )


BBC’s Geeta Guru-Murthy interviews Renfield R. Renfield

BBC News anchorwoman Geeta Guru-Murthy was asking British MP Renfield R. Renfield his opinion of the crowded race for the 2020 Democratic Party Presidential nomination.

“Mr. Renfield,” Geeta asked, “what do you think of Pete Buttigieg the first openly gay mayor of South Bend, Indiana becoming the first openly gay mayor to have a shot at winning the U.S. Presidency?”.

“Well,” Renfield replied, “I find it singularly appropriate that an openly gay mayor would have the words “butt” and “gig” as syllables in his last name. And I also find it singularly appropriate that the first openly gay mayor to run for President would be Mayor of a place called South Bend which of course describes the anatomical position either he or his partner would be in when they got up to or rather down to doing what comes naturally for them.”

As Geeta Guru-Murthy doubled over and tried desperately to save her job by not breaking into huge gales of laughter at Renfield’s highly politically incorrect and extremely sociologically insensitive and yet factually accurate statement, Amadeus Emanon turned off the TV and buried his head in his hands.

“It looks like Renfield’s parliamentary office is going to have to be issuing yet another statement and apology to members of the LGBTQ community,” Amadeus stated.

“You mean the group that Renfield refers to as the Alphabet Soup Perverts?” Angelique Dumont asked.

“We better try to keep the lid on that before the European Union’s Big Non-Binary Sibling of 1984 + 35 (aka 2019) goes after him,” Amadeus answered.

Meanwhile across the Atlantic pond over in the U.S.A., Donald Trump stated his opinion of the country’s founding father, “If George Washington had been smart, he’d have named Mount Vernon after himself.”

As Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had a vision of the Washington Obelisk falling on top of Donald Trump at a future date, Dr. Cadbury Rocher was busy watching his satellite TV which was picking up a current TCM (Turner Classic Movie) channel transmission from America.

TCM had recently asked notable figures from around the world to nominate a guest host who might someday fill in as a permanent replacement for TCM’s beloved host Robert Osborne who had died 2 years ago.

Tonight the man Renfield had suggested as a possible replacement for Robert Osborne was serving as the guest host.

A heavy metal headbanger looking man stood in front of the camera.

Heavy Metal Headbanger Looking Man: Hi, I’m Ozzy Osbourne. Guest host and potential permanent replacement for Robert Osborne. Tonight from 1948, we have a movie I’ve never heard of before- Hamlet. Starring an actor I’ve never heard of before- Laurence Olivier. Whose script was written by an author I’ve never heard of before- William Shakespeare.

As the heavy metal singer continued, the first thing that popped into Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s mind was, “An Osbourne is not an Osborne by any other name.”

Meanwhile Renfield left the BBC News Studios as pink leotards were being thrown at him by an angry group of protesters.

He got into the waiting Set Enterprises limousine and got on his smart phone where he ordered a Halloween costume as he had just found out that October 31st was the date the EU had extended Brexit to.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 10th
2019.

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Lepardia Marango and Dracul Van Helsing Enjoy An Evening of Bach and Vivaldi

April 4, 2019 at 10:35 pm (Arts, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Music, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )


Lepardia Marango: South African Cultural Attache and Dracul Van Helsing’s date for an evening of Bach and Vivaldi

Canadian vampire hunter Dracil Van Helsing had been given a pair of tickets to this evening’s London Philharmonic Concert entitled An Evening of Bach and Vivaldi.

MP Renfield R. Renfield had originally purchased the tickets for himself and his parliamentary colleague MP Morgana Fay Lee but they both had been invited to a dinner with British Prime Minister Theresa May tonight to discuss the new May-Corbyn Plan for Brexit (of which The Economist magazine had been given a sneak peak and had sent its editor into a state of orgasm).

Dracul Van Helsing decided to ask as his date for this evening Lepardia Marango who was the Cultural Attache at the South African Embassy in London:

Dracul Van Helsing picked her up in a 1939 Rolls-Royce Phantom III that had for its chauffeur Athelstan the butler and valet to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

They enjoyed a steak and seafood dinner at the Savoy Hotel and then went to the concert.

As the orchestra was warming up, Lepardia and Dracul discussed the concert as they looked at the program sheets.

“I see the Kraken who calls himself Napoleon VI is going to be singing Bach’s Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring in the guest singer song recital with the orchestra tonight,” Dracul noted.

“Isn’t he a French politician?” Lepardia asked.

“Yes, he heads the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party and he won last place in a field of a dozen candidates in the last French Presidential election. Although he and his wife Medusa did win seats in the National Assembly for the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party,” Dracul answered.

“His wife Medusa?” Lepardia queried, “She’s the ex-Gorgon?”.

“That’s right,” Dracul nodded, “Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robot barber Edward Scissorhands II gave her a haircut and removed all her snakes. I believe they were sent over to Ireland along with some dandruff remover on a Saint Patrick’s Day a while back. Medusa is now a beautiful woman again.”

“Didn’t he crown himself Emperor of France a few years back?” Lepardia inquired in relation to the Kraken.

“He did,” Van Helsing replied in the affirmative, “The only one who recognized the coronation was Pope Francis who did so in the hopes of providing greater inter-species cooperation on the planet.”

Lepardia and Dracul listened in rapture as all of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons were played.

They went out at intermission and enjoyed a glass of champagne.

An acquaintance of Miss Marango informed the duo that the dinner meeting with Theresa May had apparently and abruptly ended when Renfield had poured spaghetti and meatballs over the head of Baron Rothschild in a heated argument.

The pair then went into the auditorium for the 2nd half of the concert.

The final performance of the evening was the Kraken singing Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring.

The Kraken came out looking resplendent in a multi-armed and multi-legged tuxedo with aquamarine coloured bow tie.

He bowed to the audience’s applause and then proceeded to sing Bach’s Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring.

Half-way into his recital, the Papal Nuncio to London Msgr. Eltonjohnus Oscarwildeus stood up in the audience and accused the Kraken of proselytism by singing a song with such lyrics.

Msgr. Eltonjohnus Oscarwildeus pointed out that Pope Francis had just declared proselytism a mortal sin on a recent visit to Morocco and the Kraken shouldn’t be doing such things.

The Kraken’s wife Medusa stood up in the audience and defended her husband pointing out that the Kraken was in fact a Scientologist as a result of a weekend seminar workshop he had attended with Tom Cruise and John Travolta.

Medusa then pointed out that she herself was a defrocked priestess of the Temple of Athena.

A London imam, who in fact had been enjoying the Kraken’s recital of Bach’s Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring, proceeded to end the interruption by punching the lights out of Msgr. Eltonjohnus Oscarwildeus.

The papal nuncio to London was then carried out on a stretcher as he quietly hummed the Beatles’ song, “In an octopus’ garden in the shade…”

After the concert was over, Dracul and Lepardia then went to a quiet cafe for coffee and dessert.

The papal nuncio meanwhile was wheeled into the waiting room of a London hospital where coincidentally Renfield R. Renfield was sitting there waiting with a late Victorian/early Edwardian antique teapot stuck to his hand.

Renfield remarked to his parliamentary colleague Morgana Fay Lee, “I feel so much like Rowan Atkinson’s Mr. Bean right now.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 4th
2019.

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Renfield Calls On All EU Countries To Leave The European Union and Save The Internet

April 1, 2019 at 10:27 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield had been so busy with the debate over Brexit and plotting to overthrow the governments of Russian President Vladimir Putin, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro and Pakistani Prime Minister Imran Khan that he had not been informed of Articles 11, 13 and 17 of EU regulations that would destroy the worldwide Internet as we know it and stifle freedom of speech, freedom of expression and artistic creativity leaving the Internet as a place where only those who buy and sell would be able to access the Worldwide Web.

“This is exactly the Mark of The Beast system of The Book of The Apocalypse or Revelation Chapter 13,” said Renfield who had attended Church for Mothering Sunday yesterday.

The Church’s regular Anglo-Catholic Vicar had been called away to Rome to help perform an exorcism on a Vatican Cardinal who was demonically possessed (the Cardinal was considered one of the frontrunners to become the next Pope after Francis).

The guest celebrant and preacher was a Calvinistic Reformed Anglican minister who ignored the readings for the day in the Book of Common Prayer and proceeded to use the occasion of Mothering Sunday to preach on the Mother of Harlots Mystery Babylon as found in Revelation Chapter 17 and the Mark of The Beast system as found in Revelation Chapter 13.

When Renfield found out about the EU regulations Articles 11, 13 and 17, he hit the roof.

As a group of workmen were brought in to repair the roof, they had to work their way around a group of environmentalists who had taken their clothes off in the Public Gallery of the British House of Commons and were currently mooning MPs over what they considered parliamentary inaction on earth’s climate change.

The gallery was cleared after a guest otter from DARPA was brought in who showed that otter flatulence could be as deadly to the environment as that of bovine creatures.

As MPs put on their gas masks and proceeded to vote on 4 different Plan Bs for Brexit, Renfield left the Commons to address the world media on Articles 11, 13 and 17 of EU regulations that would draconianly regulate the Internet.

Renfield spoke next to the statue of Sir Winston Churchill on the Thames River.

Said Renfield solemnly as he addressed the cameras and microphones, “I call upon all countries of the EU to immediately leave the European Union. Not only will this save Britain further embarrassment in giving the world the idea that the British have no idea what to do when it comes to Brexit, this action will also save the Internet as we know it.
As we know a bunch of assholes in the EU bureaucracy in Brussels want to turn the Information Superhighway (as self-proclaimed Internet inventor Al Gore called it) into a massive traffic jam with toll booths every 6 centimeters on the road. It’s high time we give these interfering busybodies in Brussels (whom Mikhail Gorbachev back in the late 1990s labelled the heirs and apostolic successors to the old Politbureau in the old USSR) the raspberry they so richly deserve. Such an action will finally wipe the eggs benedict and eggs Florentine off Theresa May’s face, close a possible Oscar Wilde and Lord Alfred Douglas “open backdoor” on the Ulster-Republic of Eire border and save the Internet and all its memes. After all, if there are no memes left, U.S. Democrats will have nothing to blame when they lose the 2020 U.S. Presidential election. They won’t have the Russians to kick around anymore for 4 more years of Donald Trump and his aesthetically challenged hairpiece.”

Renfield bowed to the media and then went over to talk to his friends Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont.

“Well, how was I?” Renfield asked as he adjusted his Larry King autographed bowtie.

“It was a good speech,” Angelique replied, “but are you sure, people will take you seriously?”.

“Why wouldn’t they take me seriously?” Renfield stopped trying to tie his bowtie, “I was being perfectly serious.”

“Do you know what date this is?” Angelique asked.

“The date?” Renfield looked perplexed.

Amadeus showed him the date on his smartphone- April 1st.

“April 1st?” Renfield suddenly hit his forehead, “Oh shit. April Fools’ Day. People will think I was joking when I called on all EU countries to leave the European Union.”

“And to think they could have left the EU and signed a free trade pact with the 3 Mexican countries that Fox News said Donald Trump was going to cut off aid to,” Angelique sighed.

“One should always start the day by looking at the date on the calendar,” the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill advised, “that way there are no misunderstandings and you don’t miss any appointments. When I was alive, I occasionally missed appointments with my dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes. Which meant my poor buttocks had to pay double, sometimes triple and sometimes quadruple the next time to make up for it.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 1st
2019.


Dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes advises to always check the date on your calendar.

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Basil and The Basilisk: A Poem

March 26, 2019 at 10:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Poetry, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Basil was a farmer about his business
He milked the cows
fed the pigs
and gathered eggs of the chickens
But he did not enter the green barn
For the green barn contained a creature
he would have no dealings with.

The green barn was leased by Set Enterprises in London
Whatever experiments in that barn went beyond that sanctioned
by both God and man
Dr. Cadbury Rocher who showed up in a black Jaguar car one day
And then a red Jaguar car the next
And went around saying “The devil is in the details”
Gave Basil the farmer both a medieval bestiary
and the Naturalis Historia of Pliny the Elder
And marked pages saying, “Read, should you feel the inclination
to enter the green barn”

Now Basil’s Latin wasn’t exactly up to snuff
(his wife had cured him of the irritating habit of sticking
tobacco up his nose and then sneezing when they were first married)
but J.K. Rowling occasionally came to the Farmers’ Market in a nearby town to shop
So he asked her to translate from the original Latin

What he heard from Rowling turned his hair on end
He told his wife what he had heard
And both agreed they should never enter the green barn

Not of course they had any inkling to do so before
For a giant rooster in a cage had been taken into the barn
and then a giant snake in a cage
Then the sound of two different species but same genders co-mingling
in the night
While the Baphomet stood outside the barn saying,
“Everything is all right,
We need to open our minds
And cast aside old prejudices”
Pope Francis gave his apostolic blessing
via satellite transmission
and the Mayor of San Francisco said
This was bringing tears to his eyes

One night a man came to the farmhouse door
claiming to be a traveling guru
And asking food and shelter for the night
Basil and Bella agreed.

“There is no God”, the guru assured them with the solemnity of a Richard Dawkins
And then smiled,
“For God is within”
He took some Rolaids tablets for his heartburn
“There is no Devil either,” the guru smiled, “We create our own gods and devils. Good and evil are within us.”
He chewed some Exlax tablets
“And then project those outwards on to our surroundings”
“Where is your washroom?” The guru asked Farmer Basil
for the aftereffects of the externally applied medication
turned out to be fast acting.

“And there are times we are called upon to run like the wind”
The traveling guru remarked as he ran up the stairs

When he came back, he asked, “Where should I sleep?”
“I hope you don’t mind the kitchen floor,” Farmer Basil replied,
“For we only have the one bedroom and my wife and I
just bought the Dracul Van Helsing Guide To Tantric Sex and are looking forward to applying it tonight”
“We just watched MP Renfield R. Renfield on the telly tonight,” Bella smiled, “he was complaining about the fact that Van Helsing had tantric sex with the current heiress to the Queen of Sheba’s throne in Jerusalem last Saturday and then had tantric sex with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec during a raging sea storm on the Isle of Patmos last night”

“Such astounding declarations make me wonder whether it was right for me to take the path of celibacy,” the guru had temporarily lost his beatific Buddha like smile
“What about the green barn over there?” The guru pointed outside,
“It seems very large. I could sleep there.”

“That is the habitat of the Basilisk,” Basil replied, “a creature of legend and mythology that has been resurrected in the modern world
thanks to the Transhumanist experiments of one Dr. Cadbury Rocher of
Set Enterprises”
“Basilisk?” The guru blinked.
“A serpent king that is a hybrid of a rooster and a serpent” Basil answered
“And like Empire actor Jussie Smollett,” Bella added, “is immune to criminal prosecution since it’s considered politically incorrect to do so.”
Basil went on, “The Basilisk is so venomous, it leaves a wide trail of deadly venom in its wake. And its gaze is likewise lethal.”
“The sort of entity that Bill Clinton would marry but not have an extramarital affair with,” Bella pointed out.

“Well, I ain’t afraid of no Basilisk,” the guru paraphrased a lyric from the theme song to the original 1984 Ghostbusters movie.
Basil and Bella looked at him.
“Like I’ve been trying to tell you, we create our own reality,” the guru said, “Like attracts like. Positive attracts positive. Negative attracts negative. I shall enter the green barn with positive thoughts and no harm shall come to me.”
The guru entered the barn.
There was no noise.

Basil and Bella went back into the farmhouse.
The next morning a Set Enterprises team came out like they did every morning
Dressed like Star Wars Imperial Stormtroopers in their protective suits
They carried out the body of the guru
who had turned to stone
Under the Basilisk’s venemous gaze
(As did creatures under Medusa’s gaze of old)

The Basilisk was obviously not subject to whatever reality
The guru thought he could create
with his own mind.

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 26th
2019.


Bella has gazed on many things but will not gaze on the Basilisk

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