Renfield, Two Popes, An Epidemic and American Politics

March 6, 2020 at 11:28 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield, Two Popes, An Epidemic and American Politics

“For those people who always wondered what it was like to live in the 14th Century, you’re about to find out. We’ve got two living Popes (one of whom is most likely an Antipope) and a mass epidemic going on.”

-Renfield R. Renfield MP

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was once again being interviewed on a British news program.

BBC Interviewer: So going across the Pond (a goldfish leapt from one pond to another directly behind the interviewer) and taking a look at U.S. politics, what is your take on the past week?

Renfield: Well it appears that most of the Democratic Party establishment has come to the conclusion that the only candidate who can defeat Donald Trump is senile Joe Biden. The Centre For Disease Control in Atlanta should really start examining the possibility that Joe Biden’s senility is contagious as it seems to have spread to the rest of the Democratic Party.

Interviewer (clearing his throat): What about the claim now being made that America is not yet ready for a female President? As the three leading contenders for President all seem to be white straight males in their 70s?

Renfield: Yes, every asshole and his shit licking dog seems to be making the claim that America is not yet ready for a female President and are whining and snivelling about it on social media whether it’s their blog posts, Twitter or Facebook. With the exception of Rep. Tulsi Gabbard of Hawaii, every woman who ran for the Democratic Party nomination this time around isn’t really worth writing home about. Never mind electing them President.

Interviewer: So you’re saying that most of the women candidates who were running for President this year just aren’t worth it?

Renfield: Brilliant deduction as my friend the ghost of Sherlock Holmes would say. There’s a new American TV show out called Tommy whose premise is about the first woman to be appointed Chief of the Los Angeles Police Force. In one of the trailer commercials for the episode, Chief Tommy tells an associate, “If I don’t do my job exceptionally well , it will be another 30 years before another woman is named Chief of Police for LA.” If any of the bimbos running for President (Tulsi Gabbard is the only woman candidate who isn’t a bimbo) had won the Presidency this year, it would have been another 60 years before another woman is elected President of the U.S. And if a certain spirit cooking witch and sampler of Roman Polanski and Jeffrey Epstein style pizza toppings had been elected President in 2016, it would have been another 200 years before another woman was elected President of the United States. That is if she hadn’t destroyed the planet in an exchange of nuclear weapons with Russia’s Vladimir Putin first. Which is probably what would have happened if the Trump Failed To Lock Her Up Witch had won the 2016 election.

Interviewer (shifting uncomfortably in his arm chair): So making another brilliant deduction, I take it you’d support Tulsi Gabbard if you lived in the U.S.

Renfield: Yes, as further proof that great minds think alike, my friend the vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and I only thought highly of 3 candidates running for the Democratic Party nomination – John Hickenlooper, Andrew Yang and Tulsi Gabbard.
Two of those have dropped out. And only Tulsi remains. And the Democratic Party establishment will certainly ensure that she doesn’t get the nomination since she wants to put an end to America’s insane policy of endless regime change wars – which is supported by both major parties – Republican and Democrat.

Interviewer: So what about this argument that in America in 2020, you have to be white, male, straight and septuagenarian to be President.

Renfield: Just further proof that most media commentators in the mainstream media and pompous pontificators on social media have the same amount of knowledge of history. Which is to say- nil. If these people had ever bothered studying the extremely unusual mentor/protege relationship that went on between mentor Roy Cohn (former chief legal counsel to Sen. Joe McCarthy in the 1950s) and his young protege Donald Trump back in the 1970s, they wouldn’t label Trump with the epithet “straight”.
It would be more appropriate to have that old country/western song “This Door Swings Both Ways” playing in the background.
And I’ll wager that if Australia’s infamous Uncle Ernie “came a Waltzing Matilda” through the doors of the Oval Office wearing only his pink sequined g-string, Trump would be putting on a Celine Dion Vegas show style evening dress and breaking into a chorus of one of Celine’s old hits, “It’s all coming back to me now… ”
Then what will probably happen is that Trump’s evangelical church prayer group will walk into the Oval Office just as Trump and Uncle Ernie are in the heights of Apollo-Hyacinth like passion and get the shock of their lives.
They will be followed seconds later by the ghost of Salvador Dali who will walk in and likewise get the shock of his afterlife.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 6th
2020.

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The Summoning Forth of The Beelzekraken

February 15, 2020 at 11:30 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Sorcery, The Occult, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The Summoning Forth of The Beelzekraken 

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was being interviewed at a London radio station on the subject of a possible UK Free Trade Agreement with the U.S.

“As long as Donald Trump is the President, we’d just be leaping from the frying pan into the fire if we went ahead with this trade agreement,” Renfield stated, “not of course that we’d be better off if any of the freaks who are currently front runners for the U.S. Democratic Party nomination became President either.”

Renfield finally finished the interview with the following statement about Donald Trump, “What can we say about the man who was (Joe McCarthy’s chief legal counsel and later Mafioso mobster defending lawyer) Roy Cohn’s personal bitch and boy toy back in the 1970s? Whose mentor-protege relationship consisted of Cohn breaking Trump in (via the rear end) and showing him the ropes (in a gay BDSM sense of that expression).”

Within seconds, a very irate and profanity laced phone call was made from the White House to the Pentagon.

As Renfield left the radio station and walked down the street, he was followed by a Trotskyite anarchist agitator who was very upset by a speech that Renfield had delivered to the Canada Club in London last night.

The British MP happened to notice a £5 note lying on the ground.

As he bent over to pick it up, a drone bearing the inscription IN TRUMP WE TRUST flew right over his head.

The drone blew the Trotskyite anarchist agitator (who was walking just behind Renfield) to kingdom come.

. . .

An ugly looking female freak with pink and purple hair (that made her look even uglier) really pissed genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee off.

So he beheaded the ugly looking freak and then cut her up into 999 trillion x 999 trillion (rather than his usual just 999 trillion) pieces.

The rats recently released from a showing of the 1971 American horror film Willard could not bring themselves to eat the minuscule pieces of the revolting facially aesthetically challenged crime against humanity.

Neither could the 3 blind mice who flew a drone called Albatross 2.0

After an emergency council of all the gods and goddesses, Shiva the Destroyer arrived with his trident of destruction to totally melt and disintegrate the pieces into total non-existence so that the hideous particles would not exist in any of the multiverses.

Shiva then returned to the CERN Large Hadron Collider tunnel in Switzerland where he was being taught the Irish river dance by Irish dancer Michael Flatley.

. . .

From Lake Michigan on the shoreline of Chicago a Kraken emerged.

But this was no ordinary Kraken.

For while it had the body, tentacles and arms of an Octopus, its head was that of a giant fly.

The name of the creature was the Beelzekraken – a combination of Beelzebub (The Lord of the Flies) and a Kraken.

The unwashed ANTIFA member on the beach (who was already angry about being hit by waves from the lake) dirtied his already dirty jockstrap upon seeing the Beelzekraken.

He very much regretted having used the POSSIBLY ENGLISH LANGUAGE HIP HOP EDITION OF THE NECRONOMICON to summon the creature.

Even more so after the Beelzekraken swallowed and ate him.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday February 15th
2020.

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Pan Goatee’s Uglocide Evening, Macron’s Whining, Malachi Martin Anniversary and Roy Cohn’s Pretty Boy

July 27, 2019 at 10:56 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Religion, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Uglocide Evening, Macron’s Whining, Malachi Martin Anniversary and Roy Cohn’s Pretty Boy

Pan Goatee had just entered the grocery store and went to pick up a cart when a medium sized ugly looking blimp approached to pick up a cart.

Goatee beat the blimp in picking up a cart first and then promptly beheaded the blimp.

“One must show patience,” remarked some idiotic bystander.

“You can spend all eternity showing patience,” Goatee answered as he beheaded the man.

Goatee then picked up the items he wanted to buy and then went and stood in line at the cashier.

Some ugly looking female stoat-human hybrid (in one of the many genetics experiments in southern Alberta gone horribly wrong) then went and rudely walked down the aisle past the customers waiting in line just to exit instead of using the proper exit.

Goatee then leapt across cash registers, got in front of the ugly looking female stoat human hybrid and beheaded her with his astral machete remarking, “You’re the best argument ever against the erroneous concept of white supremacy.”

Goatee wished he could track down the Nazi criminals from Argentina who had settled down in Calgary back in the 1990s and performed horrendous and blasphemous genetic experiments whose rotten hideous looking fruit were now coming to fruition in the teens decade of the early 21st Century.

But the Nazi criminals having done their damage apparently fled elsewhere.

. . .

French President Emmanuel Macron sat in his office feeling depressed.

In addition to being turned down for quickies from all the older women he had propositioned in Parisienne sidewalk cafés on this Saturday evening, Donald Trump had tweeted a nasty tweet against him earlier this week.

Macron was thinking of imposing a digital sales tax on American corporate tech giants when they sold items over the Internet in France.

Trump tweeted that if Macron went ahead with this proposal, he Trump would impose a tariff on French wines when they were imported into America.

And then in the unkindest tweet of all, Trump had brutishly tweeted, “American wines are better than French wines.”

Now Macron sat at his desk drowning his sorrows in a bottle of Paul Masson wine.

. . .

“It was 20 years ago today that Malachi Martin the former Jesuit priest (who left the Jesuit order because it was too homosexual and too Marxist for his liking) and well known exorcist and popular best-selling author died,” Cardinal JM the head of the Vatican’s Secret Intelligence Service remarked to Samhain Cardinal Salaman a former professional stage magician turned Vatican cardinal.

“I remember hearing about that at the time,” Salaman remarked, “what caused his death?”.

“He apparently fell off a ladder while trying to retrieve a book from the top of his book shelf in his Manhattan New York apartment,” Cardinal JM sipped a Manhattan cocktail and ate a New York bagel, “although there are some people who believe he was pushed off that ladder.”

“By whom?” Cardinal Salaman asked.

“Well one theory is it was by demons,” Cardinal JM bit into a devilled egg, “and the other is it was by a priest or bishop or maybe even a cardinal who was full of the spirit of Vatican II.”

“I’ve heard that it was Malachi Martin’s book The Keys of This Blood that inspired Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing to become a geopolitical analyst,” Cardinal Salaman sipped his coffee.

“I’ve heard that too,” Cardinal JM shrugged, “anyhow Malachi Martin’s July 27th 1999 death couldn’t have come at a better time for the Vatican.”

“Why is that?” Salaman ate his baked salmon.

“Well the Jubilee year of 2000 was approaching and many people were pissed that the Catholic Church had never released the Third Secret of Fatima which it was supposed to have done in 1960 according to the Virgin Mary’s instructions,” Cardinal JM started eating a Belgian waffle, “but the Vatican plan after John XXIII was only to release the vision associated with the Third Secret not the text (Mary’s spoken words) of the Secret itself. However that posed a problem after Malachi Martin (who was the secretary to the Vatican Jesuit Cardinal Augustin Bea in 1960) left the Jesuit order. Martin as secretary to Cardinal Bea had read the Third Secret although he had taken an oath not to reveal it. And he never did reveal it. Although he dropped vague hints as to what was in it when he appeared on Art Bell’s Coast-To-Coast AM radio program back in the late 1990s. So the Vatican could never release the vision of the Third Secret and claim it was the text (Mary’s actual words) while Martin was still alive because then Father Martin would have said that the Vatican was full of you know what.”

Cardinal JM wiped his mouth with a napkin after eating a chocolate covered figure of a bull.

“Why doesn’t the Vatican want the text (Mary’s words) of the Third Secret released?” Cardinal Salaman asked.

“Well of course the Vatican has no problem with the global war or the fire falling from heaven causing tsunamis of steam to fall across the nations of the world everywhere or millions of people dying by the minute that’s mentioned in the Third Secret,” Cardinal JM cheerfully ate a gingerbread horse of the Apocalypse, “what it does have a problem with is Mary saying that Satan will infiltrate to the very top of the Church itself. Catholics across the world might stop dropping their money in the collection plate if word on that got out.”

“A wise decision indeed,” Cardinal Salaman bit into his Montreal smoked meat sandwich.

. . .

Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol was in New York City.

What brought him to New York were appearances of notorious American lawyer Roy Cohn’s ghost appearing across the world.

Whitstable deduced that Hades and Persephone had granted Cohn’s ghost permission to leave the Underworld for some reason.

So Whitstable had gone to New York to find out more about Cohn’s background.

The Interpol detective knew that Cohn had been Chief Counsel to the notorious Wisconsin Senator Joe McCarthy back in the 1950s.

He had also represented and defended several New York City Italian crime family bosses back in the 1970s.

Whitstable was currently interviewing an old acquaintance of Cohn in a run down New York City apartment.

The informer wore an empty cement bag on his head and a pair of used Nike running shoes on his feet so he wouldn’t be recognized.

“Well, Roy died of AIDS back in 1986,” the informer said.

“AIDS?” Whitstable repeated the statement.

“But Roy wasn’t gay,” the informer stated emphatically, “he always said that he enjoyed having sex with men. But he always insisted that he wasn’t gay.”

“Okay,” Whitstable nodded.

“But Sen. Joe McCarthy was gay,” the informer went on, “Roy’s personal secretary mentioned that in the book she was going to publish had she lived. But McCarthy covered it up during his life time. Being gay was the kiss of death for a U.S. politician in the 1950s. Unlike today where it seems to be working out very well for the current Mayor of South Bend, Indiana.”

“So Cohn said that he enjoyed having sex with men,” Whitstable took notes, “were they all one night stands or did he ever have a long term relationship with a man?”.

“There was one he had,” the informer answered, “in fact Cohn said in a public interview back in 1980 that this man used to call him 18 to 20 times a day each day. So you can see how intense the relationship was. This man also said himself in a public interview back in 1980 that Cohn protected him to the point of viciousness.”

“Wow,” Whitstable agreed, “That does sound pretty intense. Who was this man?”.

“The current occupant of the Oval Office in the White House,” the informer replied.

Roy Cohn and a mascara and make-up wearing young Roman soldier Donald Trump having a gay old time at a New York City nightclub on Saturday June 24th 1972.
The photo accompanied a story in the New York City edition of The Times of London on Monday June 26th 1972.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 27th
2019.

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