Qonzilqointec Visits Moscow
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec prior to her meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was in Moscow.
She was on a diplomatic peace mission for Set Enterprises in London.
Qonzilqointec was close friends with Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing, British MP Renfield R. Renfield and the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set himself.
Since most of the satanic Neo-Bolshevik Communist leaders of the western world refused to sit down and talk to the wanna be new Imperial Russian Czar Peter the Great (aka Vladimir Putin) over the war in Ukraine, the threat of global nuclear war was growing bigger every day.
The late former British Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill himself had once said, “It’s better to jaw jaw than to war war.”
However the satanic leadership of the Western world saw the possibility of billions of people dying in a global nuclear war as the ultimate human sacrifice to the demons they worshipped: Baal, Baphomet, Mammon and Mephistopheles.
They either didn’t believe in or worship God but they certainly believed in and worshipped Baal, Baphomet, Mammon and Mephistopheles.
The whole damned lot of them.
Emmanuel Macron, Justin Trudeau and Joe Biden etc. etc.
A kink was put in their armour when a G.K. Chesterton quoting and J.R.R. Tolkien reading Christian woman Giorgia Meloni was recently elected Prime Minister of Italy.
The brainless mainstream media in the western world went beserk and was already calling her a Fascist.
She would be demonized along with Hungary’s Prime Minister Viktor Orban by the Baal and Baphomet worshipping journalists in the Western world.
The LGBTQ2s+ and counting community was the New World Order equivalent of the old Brahmin caste of the ancient Hindu caste system while Bible believing Evangelical Protestants and traditional Catholics were the New World Order equivalent of the Untouchables (Dalits) of the ancient Hindu caste system.
Vladimir Putin had Moloch (the demonic twin brother of Baal that was one of the leaders of the demonic quartet that ruled the Western world) as a supernatural advisor.
The new self-proclaimed Peter the Great was unaware however that Moloch was in fact Moloch.
Moloch was appearing to Putin in the guise of Saint Michael the Archangel.
Putin in a recent speech had called the West “openly satanic”.
In reply Biden gave the following statement today:
The Pooper-In-Chief approached the podium as the members of the brainless mainstream media stood.
Before the press conference, the “non-satanic” mainstream media members had enjoyed feasting on a buffet of Marina Abramovic’s Kentucky Fried Humans that had been cooked up and prepared by the White House kitchen culinary staff.
Biden stood in front of the blackened hearts of the White House Press Corps.
“My fellow Americans,” Biden stated, “I want to make this perfectly clear. I am not a Satanist.”
He then raised his arms with two fingers forming a V on each hand and shook the jowls on his face in Richard M. Nixon style fashion.
Behind him stood Baal, Baphomet, Mammon and Mephistopheles applauding vigourously.
The ghost of Richard M. Nixon’s dog Checkers then appeared on stage, walked over to Biden, raised his right leg and peed all over Biden’s left foot.
“Interesting,” Qonzilqointec said aloud as she watched the press conference on television from her Moscow hotel room.
There was a knock on the door.
It was the Kremlin chauffeur here to pick Qonzilqointec up to drive her to the Kremlin.
To begin diplomatic talks with Putin on behalf of the West.
On behalf of Set Enterprises.
Since most of the governments of the Western world refused to talk to Putin preferrng the horror and human sacrifice of global nuclear war.
As Qonzilqointec went to talk to Putin, Dr. Anthony Fauci was already on the phone talking to Bill Gates on the possibility of a post-nuclear zombie apocalypse scenario.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 5th
2022.
Svetlana Kireeva, Vladimir Putin and The Mysterious Horn In Byzantium
Russian vampiress and FSB agent Svetlana Kireeva awaits the launch of a nuclear missile which would be fired from a secret location in Moscow
Earlier in the day, Russian President Vladimir Putin announced on Russian national television that he would be mobilizing 300,000 reservists in an effort to save his would-be Neo-Imperialist Czarist ass in Ukraine.
To the right of Putin stood the ghost of the late U.S. President LBJ.
“Well scratch my ass and think about Israel,” LBJ laughed, “It looks like Ukraine is turning into Russia’s Vietnam.”
In the corner of the room sat the ghost of Jim Morrison weeping in a chair.
“Why,” Morrison sobbed, “of all the ghost stories in all the world did I first have to appear in one written by the world’s most boring author Phil Huston?”.
To the left of Morrison’s ghost was a holographic image of Alice Cooper who was committing hari kari with the pointy end of his mace for the same reason that Morrison’s ghost sat sobbing in a chair.
It was the first time that Russian reservists had been called up since the Second World War.
As Putin’s face was sprayed by a whole bunch of ghostly spectral holographic blood issuing forth from the intestines of the well hari-karied ghostly spectral holographic image of Alice Cooper who was busy singing his last ever hit Farewll To My Nightmare, Putin announced that he would be using nuclear weapons against the West.
To that end, Russian vampiress and FSB agent Svetlana Kireeva received a text message from Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit secret agent Miranda Singh asking if the two of them could meet in Stockholm Sweden in an effort to prevent global nuclear war.
. . .
Senile old fool Joe Biden was meeting with one of his advisors after the Irish Celtic demon Balor Biden’s speech to the UN General Assembly.
“Mr. President,” his advisor advised, “Regarding Putin’s threatened use of nuclear weapons, you have a secret personal weapon of your own to use in your dealings with Mr. Putin.”
“I do? And what secret personal weapon of my own would that be?” Biden asked as he broke wind and then let loose with a bowel movement.
The advisor was unable to answer Biden’s question as he immediately dropped dead from sulphurous exhaust fumes.
. . .
The Byzantine Emperor Justinian I was sitting on his throne in Constantinople in the year 537 AD when an envoy from Arthur King of the Britons appeared.
“Your Imperial Majesty, your noble ally Arthur King of the Britons is dead after having been slain by his evil son Mordred at the Battle of Camlann,” the envoy stated, “His repentant half-sister Morgan le Fay wants you to have this.”
“What is it?” Justinian asked.
“It’s the horn of Arthur’s personal Unicorn,” the envoy explained, “A Unicorn that was slain by Mordred the evil son of Arthur King of the Britons and Morgan le Fay.”
“Let me see,” the beautiful Byzantine Empress Theodora rose from her throne.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday September 21st
2022.
Warrior Princesses Spray Holy Water On Kremlin Meeting Rooms
South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan is back home in Seoul, South Korea ready to perform with her cello at a classical concert
This past Tuesday September 13th and past Wednesday September 14th Hyung Grace Kwan had been in Astana Kazakhstan killing evil vampires and vampiresses who were attending Astana’s 7th Interfaith Congress.
Then yesterday Thursday September 15th Hyung and her ancestress the immortal princess Kwan Yin were spraying Holy Water around every single Kremlin meeting room in Moscow.
That is because Xi’s supernatural spirit advisor the Black Dragon was supposed to meet with Putin’s supernatural spirit advisor the demon Moloch (who was appearing to Putin in the guise of the Archangel Michael) in the Kremlin on that date.
The Holy Water that Hyung and Kwan used was from a cache of bottles of Holy Water that had been personally blessed by Pope St. Pius X (who was Pope from August 4th 1903 to August 20th 1914).
St. Pius X was the Pope who condemned the Modernist heresy (The Modernist heresy denies the Virgin Birth, Incarnate Deity, Substitionary Atonement For Humanity’s Sins by Dying On The Cross, Bodily Resurrection and 2nd Coming of Jesus Christ).
Jorge Mario Bergoglio (aka Pope Francis) is the apotheosis of the Modernist heresy.
That’s why Joe Biden’s Oval Office which is thoroughly doused in Pope Francis’ blessed Holy (?) Water (when it isn’t being doused by Joe Biden’s sulphurous bowel movements) is able to attract every single demon, devil, fallen angel and unclean spirit on the planet.
So as a result of the Holy Water doused on the Kremlin and its meeting rooms, the Black Dragon and Moloch (posing as Michael the Archangel) were unable to meet.
Their human operatives Communist China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping and Russian President Vladimir Putin were able to meet however at Samarkand Uzbekistan for the Shanghai Cooperation Organization summit.
At a sideline meeting between Xi and Putin at the SCO Summit, Xi personally humiliated the Russian leader for losing the war in Ukraine.
Although that was nothing to the personal humiliation that Xi suffered Wednesday night at the hands of a holographic image of British MP Renfield R. Renfield at the Astana state banquet for Xi.
Hyung Grace Kwan in the meantime had received a personal request from an admirer (a Calgary based geopolitical analyst) to play Antonio Vivaldi’s Spring Allegro from The Four Seasons at tonight’s cello concert.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 16th
2022.
Xi In Kazakhstan
The Greek goddess Hera was in Astana Kazakhstan today.
As was Pope Francis and Communist China’s supreme despot Xi Jinping.
Hera was visiting Astana today because she had heard that Zeus would be attending the Kazakhstani 7th InterFaith Congress.
Zeus was most definitely in Astana (the Kazakh capital currently suffers under the revolting name Nur-Sultan named after a Kazakhstani politician and former President Nursultan Nazarbayev).
(Editor’s Note from Renfield R. Renfield: Due to the efforts of a Calgary based geopolitical analyst and blogger who has been pointing out in his blog posts the past few days that the name Astana reflects good taste while the name Nur-Sultan reflects bad taste , the government of Kazakhstan announced earlier today that it would be changing the Kazakh capital’s name back to Astana).
Zeus was here to chase a beautiful Jordanian princess (a distant cousin of Jordan’s King Abdullah II) who was here in Astana attending the InterFaith Congress on behalf of the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan.
After cornering the Jordanian princess and asking her to come back to his palace on Mount Olympus where Zeus told her, “I’ll show you the way I ride my bulls”, the Jordanian princess shouted “Revenge for Ixion!” and kicked Zeus in the groin with her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.
As Zeus lay on the ground groaning over his groin, Hera came by and hit Zeus over the head with the world’s largest watermelon that had been sent to the InterFaith Congress as a gift from former U.S. President Barack Obama.
Zeus now lay unconscious in a pool of Neo-Bolshevik red coloured juice while the ghost of Josef Stalin and the vampire Lev Tomi (who in his mortal life had been Leon Trotsky) sang that old Platters hit song “Oh yes I’m the Great Pretender…”
And speaking of pretenders and imposters, Jorge Mario Bergoglio (aka Pope Francis) had to google Who Was Jesus Christ? prior to giving a speech because the so-called Holy Father had forgotten who He was.
And also in Astana Kazakhstan on this day was Communist China’s paramount leader and all round despotic tyrant Xi Jinping.
Xi’s visit to Astana Kazakhstan on this day was his first trip outside Communist China ever since he had released bat virus from the Wuhan Institute of Virology and had begun the plandemic.
“Unholy bat virus, Batman,” a talking robin spoke as he flew down on top of Xi’s hair and crapped all over him.
An immediate search was underway to find some PH Unbalanced Shampoo to shampoo the robin crap out of Xi’s hair.
A bottle was found in The Homicidal Sasquatch Pub in downtown Astana.
Sitting in the pub was the great Irish-Jewish American science-fiction writer George Finneganburg who was talking to the Russian made cyborg sex robot Sophia.
Sophia had been invented by the former East German Stasi scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen (who now worked for the Russian FSB).
The cyborg sex robot Sophia had made out with Dracul Van Helsing on a roundtable in the Kazakh Palace of Religion in Astana in 2013.
An incident that was recorded in a geopolitical analyst’s blog post back in 2013 (although at that time the geopolitical analyst lived in Vancouver and not Calgary).
“You mean to say,” George Finneganburg quickly downed his beer, “that Dracul Van Helsing came up with a cyborg sex robot before I did? How the Hell am I going to break the news to Akira?”.
Once the robin crap had been washed out of Xi’s hair, he then met with Kazakh government officials.
After his Astana visit, Xi would be flying to the Russian capital of Moscow for a Kremlin summit meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin in order to discuss the war in Ukraine.
As such, Xi had brought along his Supernatural spirit advisor the Black Dragon to Astana and the winged demon serpent covered in charcoal black would also be accompanying Xi to Moscow.
There the Black Dragon would be meeting with Putin’s supernatural advisor “Saint Michael the Archangel” (who was not really Saint Michael the Archangel but was really the demon Moloch posing as the Archangel Michael in an effort to fool the megalomaniacal would-be Deutero-Czar Peter the Great aka Putin).
Kwan Yin the immortal princess (venerated as the Goddess of Mercy in some sects of Buddhism) and her descendant the South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan were keeping tags on Xi in Astana and would be following him to Moscow for his meeting with Putin.
Xi was now attending a state banquet in his honour with Kazakh government leaders in Astana.
Before Xi sat down at the banquet table, a small robotic Paddington Bear (called Paddy O’ Marmalade), who had been invented by Set Enterprises’ scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague, put a combination of honey, marmalade and Crazy Glue down on Xi’s chair.
When Xi sat down, he got hopelessly stuck and couldn’t get up again.
As members of the Kazakh honour guard struggled to get Xi free from the chair that his pants were hopelessly glued to, the Paddington Bear robot named Paddy O’ Marmalade came and threw a Peking Duck and Thousand Year Old Egg laced cream pie in his face.
The cream pie had been specially prepared and baked by Harvey Tallbanger the 6 foot 8 tall invisible Welsh pooka bunny rabbit who worked as a secret agent for Set Enterprises.
Between his butt stuck to the chair and his face covered in Peking Duck and Thousand Year Old Egg cream pie, Xi did not really look like a great leader.
It was at that moment that the ghost of Winston Churchill (representing the British government) presented Xi with a Winnie the Pooh t-shirt.
Of course Xi could not put it on because of his current predicament.
Just then a holographic image of British MP Renfield R. Renfield appeared and started to sing to the tune of the Beatles song Hey Jude:
“Hey Xi, don’t ask me why
Take a sad song and make it badder
Remember vaccines get under your skin
Changing your DNA
Until you become Transhuman, human, human, human, human,…”
Renfield was broadcasting from the living room of the Set Estate mansion in London, England.
In the background could be heard the sound of Amadeus Emanon opening the door to pick up the Chinese Food delivery they had ordered from a Chinese restaurant.
“Hey Amadeus,” Renfield piped up, “Ask the delivery guy how do you say “Xi Jinping, you are a total loser” in Chinese?”.
Amadeus asked.
And the Chinese Food delivery guy answered adding and ad libbing a few nasty pejoratives of his own.
Renfield spoke in perfect Mandarin (with some Cantonese thrown in for good measure) telling Xi that he was a total loser and throwing in the delivery guy’s added ad libbed nasty pejoratives of his own.
Xi was livid with rage although you couldn’t tell because his face was covered in Peking Duck and Thousand Year Old Egg cream pie while his bottom was still being pulled away from the butt locking combination of honey, marmalade and Crazy Glue on his chair.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday September 14th
2022.
Baal In Kazakhstan
The demon Baal in Kazakhstan
The ghost of Cecil B. DeMille had taken a technicolour photo of the demon Baal in Kazakhstan.
The demon Baal was the object of veneration and worship at a human sacrifice ceremony at a site just north of the Kazakh capital of Astana (now called Nur-Sultan).
Due to his bum knee, Jorge Mario Bergoglio (aka Pope Francis) was unable to attend the ceremony in hopes of improving ecumenical relations with all religions and all deities.
A backdrop choreographer for the U.S. Democratic Party was present to get ideas for Joe Biden’s next major speech.
He was the same choreographer who had done the Nazi colours blood red backdrop for Biden’s speech in Philadelphia back on September 1st of this year 2022.
Samhain Cardinal Salaman was a member of the Vatican entourage accompanying Francis to this Inter-Faith Summit in Astana.
Cardinal Salaman was examining the Cecil B. DeMille technicolour photograph alongside South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan.
Hyung had spent the day locating evil vampires and vampiresses (who were attending the summit) in their coffins and beheading them and staking them through the heart.
She was to vampires and vampiresses what the Covid-19 vaccines were to previously healthy and strong young athletes (they were all dropping dead on the spot as a result).
“So,” Samhain Cardinal Salaman sipped his tea, “I understand you’re a direct descendant of the immortal princess Kwan Yin.”
“That is correct,” Hyung nodded.
“And she’s venerated as the goddess of mercy by various branches of Buddhism,” the Cardinal helped himself to a mooncake.
“Yes, that’s true,” Hyung said, “My ancestress is immortal (having drunk from springs of immortality from a certain mountain in a certain valley in China) but she doesn’t consider herself a goddess although others do.”
“As opposed to George Soros, Bill Gates and Klaus Schwab who all consider themselves gods even though others don’t,” Samhain mused aloud.
“Yes, very true,” Hyung poured more tea.
“You know I know nothing whatsoever about most religions except a smattering of some knowledge of kabbalah,” Cardinal Salaman explained, “Which is why Pope Francis had me baptised, then confirmed, then ordained a deacon, then ordained a priest, then consecrated a bishop and then created a Cardinal all on the same day.”
“I see,” Hyung smiled at the admission.
“So, tell me,” the Cardinal once again took a close look at the ghost of Cecil B. DeMille’s technicolour photograph of the demon Baal, “Are Baal and Moloch one and the same god?”.
“Many theologians and professors of Classical Middle Eastern History seem to think so,” the scholarly vampire huntress answered, “but in fact Baal and Moloch are demonic twin brothers.”
“There are twins among demons?” Cardinal Salaman was surprised.
“A few, yes,” Hyung nodded.
“So, is Moloch in Kazakhstan as well?” The Cardinal inquired.
“No, he’s in Moscow serving as an advisor to Russian President Vladimir Putin,” the vampire huntress answered.
“Really?” Salaman helped himself to another mooncake.
“Although Moloch is posing as the Archangel Michael to Putin,” Hyung explained, “so Putin thinks he was following Saint Michael the Archangel’s advice when he invaded Ukraine in February to capture the capital of Kyiv and then the rest of Ukraine ”
“Now I may not know too much religion especially Catholicism,” The Cardinal took another sip of tea, “but I do know that Saint Michael the Archangel is considered one of the Patron Saints of the City of Kyiv. Did Putin really think that Michael would ask him to invade and conquer a city of which he’s a Patron Saint?”.
“Well, I don’t think Putin really knows much about Ukrainian history and culture and tradition,” Hyung answered.
“In that he’s a lot like the late Soviet dictator Josef Stalin,” Salaman noted.
“In fairness to Putin,” Hyung pointed out, “He only followed Moloch because Moloch was posing as Saint Michael the Archangel. Whereas Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden and most U.S. Democrats follow the demons Baal and Baphomet even though Baal and Baphomet are appearing as themselves Baal and Baphomet.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday September 13th
2022.
Athena In Kyiv
The Greek goddess Athena was in Kyiv the capital of Ukraine.
She was having a photograph in black and white taken of her by the ghost of Orson Welles.
Athena remarked, “Coloured photographs in Vogue Magazine are for the Zelenskys. I much prefer a black and white photograph taken by the great Orson Welles.”
Volodymyr Zelensky the President of Ukraine and his wife Olena had recently had coloured photographs of themselves taken by VOGUE Magazine and were featured as the main subjects in a recent issue of the magazine.
Including a photograph of them making out while wearing clothes.
Showing the world that Ukrainians did not always have to be in their birthday suits while making love.
At the moment that Athena was getting her photo taken by the ghost of Orson Welles, Russian President Vladimir Putin was in Moscow wearing a bear skin rug and making out with U.S. Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez who was undertaking a secret undercover mission on behalf of the senile Joe Biden Administration.
The bear skin rug that Putin was wearing had belonged to a Russian brown bear that had been killed by fallout shrapnel from the car bomb blast that had killed Darya Dugina the daughter of Russian ultra-nationalist philosopher Aleksandr Dugin.
Russia had accused a female Ukrainian operative of planting the bomb and fleeing to Estonia.
According to the Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit, the bomb had been built by the Nazi vampire Dr. Eichmann Mengele who had headed the American CIA’s Science and Research Division since 1950.
Interestingly enough the Russian brown bear killed by the Dugin car bomb blast (whose body and fur had now been turned by the President of Russia into his own personal conjugal relations rug with AOC as the first lucky recipient of the furry embrace) had been possessed for a number of years by the ghost of Grigori Rasputin the Russian monk and mystic who had served as advisor and healer to the Imperial Russian Romanov Family of Czar Nicholas II.
Several years back Hades the Greek god of the Underworld had granted the ghost of Grigori Rasputin a dispensational release from the realm of Hades.
The mystic mad monk’s spirit then took possession of a Russian brown bear’s body and had been possessing it ever since.
That is until the date of the Dugin car bombing on Saturday August 20th 2022.
When the bear had been killed by fallout shrapnel from the car bombing.
The bear’s last recorded words were, “I never got to have tea and marmalade with Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II like Paddington did.”
Vladimir Putin was now thinking of digging up Rasputin’s body at Tsarskoye Selo and after a heavy retouch at MacPherson’s Funeral Parlour in Moscow (Scottish undertakers and morticians were the best) have Rasputin’s ghost take possession of his original body.
Putin had sent Patriarch Kirill of Moscow to negotiate with the underworld god Hades on his behalf.
Patriarch Kirill had recently been called “Vladimir Putin’s altar boy” by George Soros’ altar boy Pope Francis.
As Vladimir Putin sat on the bear skin rug smoking a cigarette and singing “He’s got the whole world in his hands…”, AOC lay back on the bear skin rug with a look of total esctasy on her face.
She sighed, “I’ve never known a real man until now.”
Putin commented, “Well, you’ve got to stop hanging around with members of Joe Biden’s cabinet.”
Meanwhile in London, England, as the Greek goddess Athena was getting photographed in Kiev, the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill was complaining to British MP Renfield R. Renfield that the famous original December 1941 Yousuf Karsh taken photograph of Winston Churchill that had been hanging in the Chateau Laurier Hotel in Ottawa had been stolen and replaced with a copy about 8 months ago and hotel staff had only noticed now.
As Welles was finishing up the photo session, vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing walked into the room and started making out with the goddess Athena.
“Not again,” Welles sighed.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 25th
2022.
Renfield’s Dutch Treat On A Dutch Canal
British MP Renfield R. Renfield had received information from a confidential source that there was video evidence of the Covid-19 virus being released from the Wuhan Institute of Virology in late 2019.
The source told Renfield that the person with the video disc was willing to meet with him at a location on a canal in the Netherlands.
Renfield was warned by his friends to keep his guard up for the meeting.
Yesterday Renfield and his friend Amadeus Emanon narrowly missed being killed by a fountain pen bomb as part of a Communist Chinese Ministry of State Security assassination plot that had been ordered by CCP Supreme Leader and megalomaniacal dictator Xi Jinping.
Of course there was the immediate problem of how to get to Holland.
For Renfield was prone to sea sickness.
A few years back Renfield had barfed all over Prince Andrew the Duke of York who had been standing on a ship’s deck below Renfield.
And Renfield didn’t want to fly by airplane as four perfectly healthy British Airways pilots had recently died shortly after receiving the covid-19 vaccine.
Naturally both British Airways and the Boris Johnson government were denying that there was any connection between the healthy pilots’ deaths and the vaccine.
“As my late grandmother would have probably told me,” the unvaccinated Renfield told the unvaccinated Amadeus Emanon, “Don’t make a mistake and wind up a statistic no matter how many genetically modified idiots surround you.”
Renfield R. Renfield decided to fly over on one of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s eco-friendly environmentally friendly cannabis powered dirigible airships The Cannonball Express.
The flight was arranged and after arriving in Holland, Renfield set out by cannabis powered motorbike to the town where the canal was located.
Renfield waited on a bench overlooking the canal and took in the breathtakingly beautiful sight while he waited for his rendezvous contact to show up in a canal boat.
Renfield reached into the bag on his lap and took out a handful of jelly beans.
He had bought the jelly beans in a specialty candy store in a small town on his bike ride here to the canal.
Renfield’s favourite was the black jelly beans and so he ate all the other coloured beans first and then proceeded to eat the black jelly beans last.
Renfield was now down to his last jelly bean and his last black jelly bean.
As he reached into the bag to grab it, the last jelly bean slipped out of his hand and fell on to the small space of concrete that surrounded the bench.
Renfield sat there and looked down at the last jelly bean lying there on the ground.
He thought to himself, What would Amadeus do? 🤔
Renfield then lay down on the ground and picked up his last jelly bean.
It was a good thing he did for a dozen men in an approaching canal boat fired their machine guns at the exact place he had been sitting on the bench only a billionth of a nanosecond before.
The sound of bullets and machine gun fire just above his head alerted Renfield to the danger that he was in.
Renfield pulled a semi-automatic out of his trousers and blew the dozen assassins away to kingdom come.
The British MP later found out that the dozen assassins belonged to Russian President Vladimir Putin’s personal intelligence service.
The Russian leader was still ticked off at Renfield for using a controlled drone to fire bullets and destroy Putin’s priceless antique Bavarian beer mug collection a few years back.
Dutch police arrived on the scene and handed out tickets of €250 each to the dead Russians for not wearing lifejackets while being in the boat and currently floating on the water.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 24th
2021.
Putin Sings Novichok Song To Tune of Spiderman While Angela Merkel Shaves Her Moustache Again
Russian President Vladimir Putin recently had a needle injected into his buttocks by Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit secret agent Harvey Tallbanger (a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears invisible to all except those drinking Harvey Wallbanger cocktails).
The serum inside the needle gave Putin the worst case of hemorrhoids in all recorded history.
Now that Germany had found Russian Opposition leader Alexei Navalny had indeed been poisoned by nerve agent Novichok, British MP Renfield R. Renfield and Set Enterprises decided to take further action against the murder by poisoning Byzantine Emperor like Russian leader.
Included in the hemorrhoids inducing serum was a compound developed by Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher (the inventor of the serum) that made the person injected and infected subject to mind control by Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.
Renfield decided to test the compound’s effectiveness.
Russian President Vladimir Putin had called a press conference to answer charges that it was Russia responsible for administering the Novichok nerve agent poison to Alexei Navalny.
Towering like an Olympian Greek god on his throne high above the assembled members of the world news media, Putin sat upon three dozen soft comfortable cushions to alleviate the agony of his hemorrhoids.
When asked by a reporter from the Uncle Ernie’s Free Press newspaper in Australia (the only newspaper in the world printed on toilet paper) if Russia was responsible for the Novichok attack on Navalny, the Russian leader proceeded to reply.
At that moment, Putin had his mind taken over by Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.
Putin then broke into a song he dubbed Novichok (which was sung to the tune of Spiderman which was the theme song from the 1960s TV cartoon show called Spiderman).
Putin (singing):
Novichok, Novichok
friendly neighbourhood Novichok
makes your insides want to upchuck
Look out here comes the Novichok
Man
Here comes the Novichok…
Putin was dragged away by his aides before he started revealing any Russian state secrets.
Meanwhile in her bathroom in her home in Berlin Germany, German Chancellor Angela Merkel was listening to the Putin press conference on her TV set and also desperately trying to shave off her moustache.
Ever since her government started imposing draconian measures against its own population this past March in the wake of the Chinese Communist Party Wuhan virus pandemic, Ms. Merkel would wake up every morning with a freshly grown moustache (resembling to the exact detail Der Fuhrer Adolf Hitler’s signature moustache).
As always it took hours for her to shave off her moustache- only to have it come back again fully grown the next day.
The TV started broadcasting a commercial with Renfield R. Renfield drinking a glass of milk (produced by the Alberta Dairyman’s Association) leaving a milky moustache above his lips when he finished drinking.
Renfield sang, “And wear a moustache… wear a moustache..”
Ms. Merkel threw her hair dryer against the TV set as she started to shave her legs.
. . .
Down in Australia, Australian Prime Minister Scott Scott Morrison was having his home buzzed by Set Enterprises’ drones who were playing on their drone loudspeakers their own version of a Men At Work song from the early 1980s,
“Do you live in a Reich down under?
Can’t you hear, can’t you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover.”
Meanwhile in Melbourne, Victoria state Premier Daniel Andrews had problems of his own.
A Josef Stalin walrus style moustache was growing on his left buttock and had become impossible to shave off.
Likewise an Adolf Hitler moustache was growing on his right testicle and had become impossible to shave off.
After 300 protestors marched against Premier Daniel Andrews’ despotic totalitarian rule in Melbourne yesterday (which sent BBC’s Communist correspondent in Australia into a frenzy of weeping and gnashing of teeth), the Victoria premier surrounded by armed police who were dressed like Darth Vader’s stormtroopers of the Evil Empire, Andrews lectured and waved his hands like a frantic madman (minus the German accent), “It is not safe, it is not smart, it is not lawful. In fact, it is absolutely selfish for people to be out there protesting.”
The ghosts of Josef Stalin and Adolf Hitler stood behind him applauding vigourously.
Seconds later, a rotten tomato cream pie was thrown in Andrews’ face by an invisible entity.
Overhead Set Enterprises’ drones flew and sang,
“Do you live in a Reich down under?
Can’t you hear, can’t you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover.”
. . .
Dr. Theresa Tam who was Canada’s airheaded so-called “health expert” was now telling people to stop kissing and also to wear a mask when having sex to prevent the spread of the Coronavirus.
She also said that going solo when having sex (i.e. masturbation) was the safest form of sex to have during a pandemic.
“It definitely decreases your risk of getting Covid,” Dr. Tam said.
When asked to comment, British MP Renfield R. Renfield noted, “That while going solo in terms of sex (i.e. masturbation) decreases your risk of getting Covid, it increases your risk of becoming a pathetic and lonely loser.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 5th
2020.
Alexei Navalny Flown To Germany
Russian Opposition leader Alexei Navalny was flown from Siberia to Berlin, Germany for medical treatment.
Mr. Navalny had fallen ill during a flight from Tomsk Siberia to Moscow this past Thursday.
Disturbing video shot on the plane showed Mr. Navalny howling in agony on the flight before he collapsed into a coma.
His supporters believe that a cup of tea he drank at a Tomsk airport cafe had been poisoned.
The plane made an emergency landing in Omsk Siberia where Mr. Navalny was taken to hospital.
Mr. Navalny’s personal physician Anastasia Vasilieva was not allowed to see him while he was in hospital in Russia.
British MP Renfield R. Renfield speculated that it was because doctors at the hospital in Omsk were trying to cover up traces that Mr. Navalny had indeed been poisoned and doing so on the Kremlin’s orders.
Doctors at the hospital in Omsk on Friday spent most of the day twiddling their thumbs when it came to signing paper work to fly Mr. Navalny to Germany.
Finally early Saturday morning Mr. Navalny was granted permission by Omsk doctors to leave and a medical evacuation flight paid for by the German organization Cinema For Peace landed the Russian Opposition leader at Tegel airport in Berlin where he was taken to the German capital’s Charite Hospital for treatment.
Mr. Navalny’s possible poisoning was only one in a long string of poisonings done to Mr. Putin’s opponents over the years, Mr. Renfield pointed out.
Alexander Litvinenko an FSB defector had been poisoned by radioactive polonium-210 in London, England back in November 2006.
Sergei Skripal (a GRU officer who defected to the UK) and his daughter Yulia were poisoned with a Russian developed Novichok nerve agent in March 2018.
Unlike Mr. Litvinenko who died, the Skripals recovered from their poisoning.
Although a UK citizen exposed to the nerve agent during the Skripal poisoning died.
The Russian Foreign Ministry always denied that the Russian state was responsible for the poisoning of Mr. Putin’s opponents with the same vigour that the Washington Post, New York Times, CNN, MSNBC and Global News Canada disinformation branches of the New World Order Ministry of Propoganda denied that those rioting, looting and burning in various inner cities across the U.S. were anything but “peaceful protestors”.
Renfield told his parliamentary colleague the Welsh vampiress Morgana that he had already made his move against Putin for the latest poisoning of one of the Russian leader’s political opponents.
“Mr. Putin seems to fancy himself more of a Byzantine Emperor than a Russian Czar,” Renfield explained to Morgana, “since that seemed to be the favourite method used by Byzantine Emperors for doing in their opponents- poisoning.”
Meanwhile in Moscow as a Harvey Wallbanger drinking Kremlin guard was removed from duty for claiming that a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears and holding a hypodermic needle syringe in his upper right paw was wandering the Kremlin halls, minutes later Vladimir Putin suddenly experienced a sharp sensation in his buttocks as if he was jabbed there.
Renfield later spoke to his friend Amadeus Emanon via Skype, “Did I tell you that Dr. Cadbury Rocher has developed a serum that when injected into a person’s buttocks can give that person the worst case of hemmorhoids in all recorded history?”.
“What’s the purpose of that?” Amadeus asked as he ate a hard boiled egg.
Meanwhile in the Kremlin, Vladimir Putin started screaming his head off when he tried to sit down.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday August 22nd
2020.
Justin’s Proposed New Cactus, Bloc Québécois Asshole Blanchet and The Downing of Flight MH17
Justin’s Proposed New Cactus, Bloc Québécois Asshole Blanchet and The Downing of Flight MH17
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was having a meeting with Canadian New Democratic Party leader Jagmeet Singh to discuss what bills the New Democrats would be willing to support the Liberal minority government on in Parliament.
Towards the end of their meeting, Justin said, “You know Jagmeet, I really miss having the ET gray Gali-Gula who was possessed by the spirit of the ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula as my advisor. But I could only see him if I inhaled marijuana smoke. So I used to own a pot smoking desert cactus plant that I named Strawberry Fields Forever and I would inhale the pot smoke that he exhaled. But then poor Strawberry Fields Forever was cactusnapped by Chinese Communist agents after Canada arrested Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou last year. Then recently poor Strawberry Fields Forever was brutally murdered by the same Chinese Communist agents after I accidentally got a shot of testosterone and started talking tough against the Beijing government. However I’m thinking of asking Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher in London to genetically create another pot smoking desert cactus plant for me so I can inhale the cactus’ exhaled pot smoke and I can once again start seeing the ET gray Gali-Gula who comes from the planet Nibiru. Do you think that’s a good idea? Do you think I should do it?”.
Jagmeet Singh,who looked totally shocked by the Prime Minister’s statement, gulped a few times and then said (very anxious to get out of the room with the said lunatic), “Sure, why not?”.
. . .
The anal retentive and extremely constipated Bloc Québécois leader Yves-Francois Blanchet left a meeting of the Bloc Québécois Party caucus on Parliament Hill in Ottawa when he was approached by the Press.
The press mentioned that Albertans did not take kindly to his remarks about Alberta’s role in the Canadian Federation.
Being a typical pompous arrogant French-Canadian politician, he Blanchet naturally did not take well to criticism and threw a hissy fit and temper tantrum whenever he was criticized (prompting one Alberta commentator to wonder whether Donald Trump did not have some French-Canadian in him?).
Foamed Blanchet, “Alberta can go drown in its oil. And as far as I’m concerned, I will have my cake and eat it too.”
Well Blanchet did not get a cake.
But he did get a cream pie thrown in his face by an invisible entity.
Although one of the Parliamentary security guards who had been drinking Harvey Wallbangers on the job swore that it was a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit with big floppety ears that threw the cream pie into the Bloc Québécois leader’s face.
. . .
Russian President Vladimir Putin was standing in his study admiring his collection of antique Bavarian beer mugs on one of his shelves.
The Russian leader turned and suddenly noticed a drone firing bullets come straight at his study window.
Putin ducked to avoid getting hit by the bullets.
The drone bullets shot up his antique Bavarian beer mugs.
“My priceless collection of antique Bavarian beer mugs,” Putin cried.
The Russian leader had an idea who was responsible for the attack.
That odious troublemaker Renfield R. Renfield (who was now a member of the British Parliament) had sworn that if Russia had been involved in the downing of Malaysian Airlines Flight MH17 (Renfield had several Malaysian friends), he Renfield would be coming after Putin with a vengeance.
Today a Netherlands based international inquiry into the downed airline announced that it had uncovered phone taps showing that high-level Russian officials were directing Russian separatist rebels in eastern Ukraine into downing the plane with a missile over rebel held territory back on July 17th 2014.
The Russian Foreign Ministry had vigorously denied the findings.
But of course Putin realized that Renfield was enough of a geopolitical analyst to realize that governments always lie when they’re caught with their pants down in incidents of wrongdoing.
It didn’t take long for Renfield to enact his revenge.
And now Putin’s priceless antique Bavarian beer mug collection was gone.
As he held tiny pieces in his fingers, the Russian leader realized that Scotch tape and fast acting Krazy Glue wouldn’t be enough to put the collection back together again.
“Renfield must pay for this,” Putin said (although he said it in Russian).
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 14th
2019.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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