Putin Sings Novichok Song To Tune of Spiderman While Angela Merkel Shaves Her Moustache Again
Russian President Vladimir Putin recently had a needle injected into his buttocks by Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit secret agent Harvey Tallbanger (a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears invisible to all except those drinking Harvey Wallbanger cocktails).
The serum inside the needle gave Putin the worst case of hemorrhoids in all recorded history.
Now that Germany had found Russian Opposition leader Alexei Navalny had indeed been poisoned by nerve agent Novichok, British MP Renfield R. Renfield and Set Enterprises decided to take further action against the murder by poisoning Byzantine Emperor like Russian leader.
Included in the hemorrhoids inducing serum was a compound developed by Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher (the inventor of the serum) that made the person injected and infected subject to mind control by Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.
Renfield decided to test the compound’s effectiveness.
Russian President Vladimir Putin had called a press conference to answer charges that it was Russia responsible for administering the Novichok nerve agent poison to Alexei Navalny.
Towering like an Olympian Greek god on his throne high above the assembled members of the world news media, Putin sat upon three dozen soft comfortable cushions to alleviate the agony of his hemorrhoids.
When asked by a reporter from the Uncle Ernie’s Free Press newspaper in Australia (the only newspaper in the world printed on toilet paper) if Russia was responsible for the Novichok attack on Navalny, the Russian leader proceeded to reply.
At that moment, Putin had his mind taken over by Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.
Putin then broke into a song he dubbed Novichok (which was sung to the tune of Spiderman which was the theme song from the 1960s TV cartoon show called Spiderman).
Putin (singing):
Novichok, Novichok
friendly neighbourhood Novichok
makes your insides want to upchuck
Look out here comes the Novichok
Man
Here comes the Novichok…
Putin was dragged away by his aides before he started revealing any Russian state secrets.
Meanwhile in her bathroom in her home in Berlin Germany, German Chancellor Angela Merkel was listening to the Putin press conference on her TV set and also desperately trying to shave off her moustache.
Ever since her government started imposing draconian measures against its own population this past March in the wake of the Chinese Communist Party Wuhan virus pandemic, Ms. Merkel would wake up every morning with a freshly grown moustache (resembling to the exact detail Der Fuhrer Adolf Hitler’s signature moustache).
As always it took hours for her to shave off her moustache- only to have it come back again fully grown the next day.
The TV started broadcasting a commercial with Renfield R. Renfield drinking a glass of milk (produced by the Alberta Dairyman’s Association) leaving a milky moustache above his lips when he finished drinking.
Renfield sang, “And wear a moustache… wear a moustache..”
Ms. Merkel threw her hair dryer against the TV set as she started to shave her legs.
. . .
Down in Australia, Australian Prime Minister Scott Scott Morrison was having his home buzzed by Set Enterprises’ drones who were playing on their drone loudspeakers their own version of a Men At Work song from the early 1980s,
“Do you live in a Reich down under?
Can’t you hear, can’t you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover.”
Meanwhile in Melbourne, Victoria state Premier Daniel Andrews had problems of his own.
A Josef Stalin walrus style moustache was growing on his left buttock and had become impossible to shave off.
Likewise an Adolf Hitler moustache was growing on his right testicle and had become impossible to shave off.
After 300 protestors marched against Premier Daniel Andrews’ despotic totalitarian rule in Melbourne yesterday (which sent BBC’s Communist correspondent in Australia into a frenzy of weeping and gnashing of teeth), the Victoria premier surrounded by armed police who were dressed like Darth Vader’s stormtroopers of the Evil Empire, Andrews lectured and waved his hands like a frantic madman (minus the German accent), “It is not safe, it is not smart, it is not lawful. In fact, it is absolutely selfish for people to be out there protesting.”
The ghosts of Josef Stalin and Adolf Hitler stood behind him applauding vigourously.
Seconds later, a rotten tomato cream pie was thrown in Andrews’ face by an invisible entity.
Overhead Set Enterprises’ drones flew and sang,
“Do you live in a Reich down under?
Can’t you hear, can’t you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover.”
. . .
Dr. Theresa Tam who was Canada’s airheaded so-called “health expert” was now telling people to stop kissing and also to wear a mask when having sex to prevent the spread of the Coronavirus.
She also said that going solo when having sex (i.e. masturbation) was the safest form of sex to have during a pandemic.
“It definitely decreases your risk of getting Covid,” Dr. Tam said.
When asked to comment, British MP Renfield R. Renfield noted, “That while going solo in terms of sex (i.e. masturbation) decreases your risk of getting Covid, it increases your risk of becoming a pathetic and lonely loser.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 5th
2020.
Alexei Navalny Flown To Germany
Russian Opposition leader Alexei Navalny was flown from Siberia to Berlin, Germany for medical treatment.
Mr. Navalny had fallen ill during a flight from Tomsk Siberia to Moscow this past Thursday.
Disturbing video shot on the plane showed Mr. Navalny howling in agony on the flight before he collapsed into a coma.
His supporters believe that a cup of tea he drank at a Tomsk airport cafe had been poisoned.
The plane made an emergency landing in Omsk Siberia where Mr. Navalny was taken to hospital.
Mr. Navalny’s personal physician Anastasia Vasilieva was not allowed to see him while he was in hospital in Russia.
British MP Renfield R. Renfield speculated that it was because doctors at the hospital in Omsk were trying to cover up traces that Mr. Navalny had indeed been poisoned and doing so on the Kremlin’s orders.
Doctors at the hospital in Omsk on Friday spent most of the day twiddling their thumbs when it came to signing paper work to fly Mr. Navalny to Germany.
Finally early Saturday morning Mr. Navalny was granted permission by Omsk doctors to leave and a medical evacuation flight paid for by the German organization Cinema For Peace landed the Russian Opposition leader at Tegel airport in Berlin where he was taken to the German capital’s Charite Hospital for treatment.
Mr. Navalny’s possible poisoning was only one in a long string of poisonings done to Mr. Putin’s opponents over the years, Mr. Renfield pointed out.
Alexander Litvinenko an FSB defector had been poisoned by radioactive polonium-210 in London, England back in November 2006.
Sergei Skripal (a GRU officer who defected to the UK) and his daughter Yulia were poisoned with a Russian developed Novichok nerve agent in March 2018.
Unlike Mr. Litvinenko who died, the Skripals recovered from their poisoning.
Although a UK citizen exposed to the nerve agent during the Skripal poisoning died.
The Russian Foreign Ministry always denied that the Russian state was responsible for the poisoning of Mr. Putin’s opponents with the same vigour that the Washington Post, New York Times, CNN, MSNBC and Global News Canada disinformation branches of the New World Order Ministry of Propoganda denied that those rioting, looting and burning in various inner cities across the U.S. were anything but “peaceful protestors”.
Renfield told his parliamentary colleague the Welsh vampiress Morgana that he had already made his move against Putin for the latest poisoning of one of the Russian leader’s political opponents.
“Mr. Putin seems to fancy himself more of a Byzantine Emperor than a Russian Czar,” Renfield explained to Morgana, “since that seemed to be the favourite method used by Byzantine Emperors for doing in their opponents- poisoning.”
Meanwhile in Moscow as a Harvey Wallbanger drinking Kremlin guard was removed from duty for claiming that a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears and holding a hypodermic needle syringe in his upper right paw was wandering the Kremlin halls, minutes later Vladimir Putin suddenly experienced a sharp sensation in his buttocks as if he was jabbed there.
Renfield later spoke to his friend Amadeus Emanon via Skype, “Did I tell you that Dr. Cadbury Rocher has developed a serum that when injected into a person’s buttocks can give that person the worst case of hemmorhoids in all recorded history?”.
“What’s the purpose of that?” Amadeus asked as he ate a hard boiled egg.
Meanwhile in the Kremlin, Vladimir Putin started screaming his head off when he tried to sit down.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday August 22nd
2020.
Justin’s Proposed New Cactus, Bloc Québécois Asshole Blanchet and The Downing of Flight MH17
Justin’s Proposed New Cactus, Bloc Québécois Asshole Blanchet and The Downing of Flight MH17
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was having a meeting with Canadian New Democratic Party leader Jagmeet Singh to discuss what bills the New Democrats would be willing to support the Liberal minority government on in Parliament.
Towards the end of their meeting, Justin said, “You know Jagmeet, I really miss having the ET gray Gali-Gula who was possessed by the spirit of the ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula as my advisor. But I could only see him if I inhaled marijuana smoke. So I used to own a pot smoking desert cactus plant that I named Strawberry Fields Forever and I would inhale the pot smoke that he exhaled. But then poor Strawberry Fields Forever was cactusnapped by Chinese Communist agents after Canada arrested Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou last year. Then recently poor Strawberry Fields Forever was brutally murdered by the same Chinese Communist agents after I accidentally got a shot of testosterone and started talking tough against the Beijing government. However I’m thinking of asking Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher in London to genetically create another pot smoking desert cactus plant for me so I can inhale the cactus’ exhaled pot smoke and I can once again start seeing the ET gray Gali-Gula who comes from the planet Nibiru. Do you think that’s a good idea? Do you think I should do it?”.
Jagmeet Singh,who looked totally shocked by the Prime Minister’s statement, gulped a few times and then said (very anxious to get out of the room with the said lunatic), “Sure, why not?”.
. . .
The anal retentive and extremely constipated Bloc Québécois leader Yves-Francois Blanchet left a meeting of the Bloc Québécois Party caucus on Parliament Hill in Ottawa when he was approached by the Press.
The press mentioned that Albertans did not take kindly to his remarks about Alberta’s role in the Canadian Federation.
Being a typical pompous arrogant French-Canadian politician, he Blanchet naturally did not take well to criticism and threw a hissy fit and temper tantrum whenever he was criticized (prompting one Alberta commentator to wonder whether Donald Trump did not have some French-Canadian in him?).
Foamed Blanchet, “Alberta can go drown in its oil. And as far as I’m concerned, I will have my cake and eat it too.”
Well Blanchet did not get a cake.
But he did get a cream pie thrown in his face by an invisible entity.
Although one of the Parliamentary security guards who had been drinking Harvey Wallbangers on the job swore that it was a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit with big floppety ears that threw the cream pie into the Bloc Québécois leader’s face.
. . .
Russian President Vladimir Putin was standing in his study admiring his collection of antique Bavarian beer mugs on one of his shelves.
The Russian leader turned and suddenly noticed a drone firing bullets come straight at his study window.
Putin ducked to avoid getting hit by the bullets.
The drone bullets shot up his antique Bavarian beer mugs.
“My priceless collection of antique Bavarian beer mugs,” Putin cried.
The Russian leader had an idea who was responsible for the attack.
That odious troublemaker Renfield R. Renfield (who was now a member of the British Parliament) had sworn that if Russia had been involved in the downing of Malaysian Airlines Flight MH17 (Renfield had several Malaysian friends), he Renfield would be coming after Putin with a vengeance.
Today a Netherlands based international inquiry into the downed airline announced that it had uncovered phone taps showing that high-level Russian officials were directing Russian separatist rebels in eastern Ukraine into downing the plane with a missile over rebel held territory back on July 17th 2014.
The Russian Foreign Ministry had vigorously denied the findings.
But of course Putin realized that Renfield was enough of a geopolitical analyst to realize that governments always lie when they’re caught with their pants down in incidents of wrongdoing.
It didn’t take long for Renfield to enact his revenge.
And now Putin’s priceless antique Bavarian beer mug collection was gone.
As he held tiny pieces in his fingers, the Russian leader realized that Scotch tape and fast acting Krazy Glue wouldn’t be enough to put the collection back together again.
“Renfield must pay for this,” Putin said (although he said it in Russian).
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 14th
2019.
Chaos Rising As The Cosmos Crumbles
Chaos Rising As The Cosmos Crumbles
Pan Goatee was walking across the street when a man and his German shepherd dog happened to walk by.
The dog kept staring at Pan Goatee.
Finally Goatee said to the dog’s owner, “Doesn’t your dog know it’s not proper etiquette to stare?”.
Whereupon he beheaded both the German shepherd and its owner.
A little further down the street came an ugly looking woman riding a bicycle.
“What is it about autumn that seems to bring out ugly looking women on bicycles?” Goatee thought to himself.
The woman looked like she had stuck all her fingers and all her toes in an electric socket as her hair style seemed to resemble that of the Bride of Frankenstein on a bad (as opposed to her usually good) hair day.
“Good-bye, uglo,” Goatee commented as he beheaded her.
. . .
“What do you think of my naming Kermit the Frog as my national security advisor?” Donald Trump asked his British butler and valet Lexington, “Do you think that I should give old Kermy a call?”.
“A most inspired choice,” Lexington admitted.
. . .
Meanwhile on the second day of the Canadian Federal election campaign, a Liberal Party campaign bus had struck and clipped the wing of the Liberal Party campaign plane on the airport tarmac outside Victoria, British Columbia.
After an investigation conducted by the Sheriff of the Village of Calypso’s Bosom (a New Age Aquarian hippy commune on the Sechelt Peninsula that was analogous to Scotland’s Village of Brigadoon although the hippy commune appeared once every 7 years instead of once every 100 like the mythical Scottish village) who was in charge of Airport Security, it was determined that the driver of the bus was a robot built and assembled by Mei-ling Manchu and Ho Babylon Minh Computer Electronics in Shanghai, China.
Of course the Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu and the Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh were both Beijing government intelligence operatives believed to have been involved in the cactusnapping, torture and subsequent murder of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s pet pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever in retaliation for the U.S. ordered Vancouver arrest of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou.
A spokesman for the Chinese Embassy in Ottawa issued a statement, “The People’s Republic of China can neither confirm nor deny that it is seeking to bump off Justin Trudeau.”
Later that day, Justin Trudeau came down with food poisoning in Edmonton after eating at Ho-Ho’s Chinese Food on the University of Alberta campus.
. . .
The Egyptian god Anubis was out walking the streets of London at night when he happened to run into British Prime Minister Boris Johnson.
“Evening, Anubis,” Johnson greeted him in Ancient Greek seeing as how he had been a Classics scholar at Oxford, “How are you? Tell me, why is it these days (and nights) that you’re now sporting a metallic cyborg jackal head when you used to have an actual real animal jackal head?”.
“Well, a few years ago, I was beheaded by Pan Goatee when I happened to look at him the wrong way,” Anubis explained, “and of course being immortal, I didn’t die when I was beheaded. But it just so happened that an overly frisky Dobermann ran off with my jackal head that night and I was unable to get it back. So Dr. Cadbury Rocher from my dad’s research and development firm Set Enterprises kindly built this new metallic cyborg jackal head for me.”
“Jolly decent of him,” Johnson answered in Ciceronian Latin.
“Tell me,” Anubis asked Johnson in koine Greek, “why do you feel it’s imperative that Britain leave the EU with or without a deal on Halloween?”.
“Well,” Johnson replied in ancient Carthaginian, “the demons Baal and Baphomet have commissioned a Vatican Cardinal Samhain Cardinal Salaman to say the ancient Celtic Druidic Mass of Samhain this Halloween on the Republic of Ireland/UK Northern Ireland border which will forever enslave all of Britain to the Stalinist-Trotskyite synthesis European Union that George Soros, Pope Francis and the Rothschilds are seeking to build.”
“Wow, what a bummer,” Anubis started having flashbacks of what the overly frisky Dobermann did to his jackal head that night.
“Yes, quite the shitty situation,” Johnson recited in 21st Century contemporary English prose.
. . .
“So,” Russian President Vladimir Putin asked his guest Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in Moscow, “can you tell me if it’s true that this coming September 25th 2019 (which is the 5780th anniversary of the day that Jewish tradition holds that the world was created) that the Israeli Sanhedrin has invited the Organization of 70 Nations to perform an animal sacrifice on the Mount of Olives to renew the Noahide Covenant?”.
“The government of Israel can neither confirm nor deny that,” Netanyahu answered.
“Can you tell me if it’s true,” Putin then asked, “what it said in that article in Politico magazine that Israel has been spying on the U.S. in a StingRay operation ever since Donald Trump moved into the White House?”.
“That is a blatant lie,” Netanyahu wagged his finger, “the Israeli government does not spy on nor engage in intelligence operations in the U.S.!”.
Putin looked out the window of his office where he noticed a Jeffraken (a Kraken with the head of Jeffrey Epstein) walking down the street waving an American flag and carrying a Victoria’s Secret shopping bag.
“Why did your nose grow bigger after you made that statement?” Putin asked.
“My nose did not grow bigger,” Netanyahu started to protest until he looked at himself in the mirror, “Oh shit, it did.”
Netanyahu knew he couldn’t hit the Israeli campaign trail this weekend looking like a Disney cartoon character wooden puppet who gets his advice from a cricket.
The Israeli Prime Minister put in a hasty call to the Doctor Faberge Rachmaninoff Plastic Surgery Clinic in Moscow.
. . .
In Hong Kong, British MI-6 Operative Lili Marlene sat in a Hong Kong lounge next to a large marble head of the immortal princess Kwan Yin (who was venerated as the Buddhist Mother Goddess of Mercy by some groups of Buddhists):
Lili Marlene was a French woman and so used to work for France’s external intelligence agency the DGSE.
However last year, French President Emmanuel Macron had made a pass at Lili Marlene’s mother at a Parisienne cocktail party.
Within 24 hours, an angry Lili Marlene had defected to Britain’s MI-6.
Today she was in Hong Kong keeping tabs on the supernatural power struggle between the ancient Great Old One Cthulhu and the supernatural entity known as the Black Dragon.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday September 12th
2019.
How Boris Johnson and Renfield R. Renfield Spent Saint Christopher’s Day
How Boris Johnson and Renfield R. Renfield Spent Saint Christopher’s Day
July 25th is Saint Christopher’s Day (even though the post-Vatican II Catholic Church from 1969 onwards taught that in their opinion, Saint Christopher never existed, the Saint Christopher medal continues to be popular among travellers and surfers).
Boris Johnson spent Saint Christopher’s Day giving his first speech as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in the British House of Commons.
Meanwhile across the Pond (otherwise known as the Atlantic Ocean), Donald Trump spent the day looking at a photo of himself speaking at a recent event and noticed for the first time that the seal of the President of the United States of America bore a double headed eagle clutching a bag of golf clubs in one of its claws.
“I could have sworn that it was a single headed eagle clutching arrows in one of its claws,” Trump scratched the dandruff out of his toupee.
Back across the Pond again, the Welsh vampiress Morgana sat on the government benches in the House of Commons as Deputy Home Secretary In Charge of Midnight Security.
She applied mascara to her eyelashes and red finger nail polish to her finger nails as Johnson gave an impassioned speech to the Commons on how he was going to deliver Brexit.
As Johnson spoke, British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield likewise sat on the government benches in the Commons as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering.
While Johnson continued speaking, Renfield was busy text messaging his former boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
Renfield was expressing his opinion to Set that Johnson probably wouldn’t be able to negotiate a Brexit deal with the European Union for 3 reasons:
1) European Union bureaucrats would probably continue to act like Soviet commissars on the question of the backstop on the Irish border between the British province of Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland
2) Irish Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Leo Varadkar would probably continue to act like Oscar Wilde on steroids on top of Lord Alfred Douglas on the Irish border backstop question
3) The notorious drunken leprechaun Yaldabaoth (viewed as the Demi-Urge who created the material physical universe by various Gnostic groups throughout the centuries) would probably continue to sleep across the border- half on the north side and half on the south
It was for these reasons, Renfield advised Set, that he should expect a no-deal Brexit.
A hard Brexit.
As Set sat in The Ten Bells Pub in central London and read Renfield’s text message, he put his construction hard hat on, got a hard on as he looked at a poster of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec, ordered 10 T-Rex shooters (guaranteed to kill any mortal dead) and when he had finished drinking and paid his bill, went off to Harrods to stock up on candies and various other treats for this coming Halloween.
Meanwhile in Moscow, Russian President Vladimir Putin had summoned the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the FSB to his office to discuss the most recent actions by Ukraine.
The Russian tanker Nika Spirit (formerly called the Neyma) had been detained by the Ukrainian security service (SBU) in the Black Sea port of Izmail, Ukraine.
10 crew members who were aboard the Nika Spirit were held briefly for a few hours and then released.
Speaking to reporters in Kiev, Svetlana Kireeva’s vampiress rival and arch enemy the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak of the SBU said that the Nika Spirit in its previous maritime ship incarnation as the Neyma had been the ship responsible for blocking the Kerch Strait to the Sea of Azov on November 25th of last year allowing the Russian Navy to seize the Ukrainian Navy gunboats The Nikopol and The Berdyansk and a Ukrainian Navy tug allowing the Russian Navy to capture 30 Ukrainian sailors of whom 24 remain in Russian custody.
After the incident had happened last November, the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak had approached Renfield R. Renfield for help.
Renfield had set sail on the Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed submarine The Amphitrite II with his own personal brigade of British Army Gurkhas.
They sailed straight through the Strait of Kerch to the Sea of Azov.
There they captured a Russian Navy submarine The Svyatoy Ivan and took 66 Russian Navy sailors hostage.
The sailors would be released in return for the release of the 24 Ukrainian sailors.
However Putin absolutely refused to negotiate with Renfield R. Renfield as Renfield had once stolen a bunch of antique Bavarian beer mugs from the Russian leader’s antique Bavarian beer mug collection back in August 2014 and Putin had never forgiven him for it.
The 66 Russian sailors had been held prisoner at a castle in the Scottish highlands under guard from Renfield’s personal brigade of British Army Gurkhas ever since.
How CNN News reported Renfield R. Renfield’s capture of the Russian Navy ship The Svyatoy Ivan at its web site on November 29th of last year:
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 25th
2019.
Thailand’s King Vajiralongkorn Marries His Bodyguard Making Her Queen
In an effort to get British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield out of the United Kingdom while she embarked on the next round of Brexit negotiations, British Prime Minister Theresa May had sent Renfield on a diplomatic mission to Thailand on behalf of the British government.
Thanks to a prophetic vision seen by Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster at Set Enterprises, Renfield discovered that Thai King Maha Vajiralongkorn also known by the title King Rama X would be marrying his bodyguard and royal consort General Sutidha Vajiralongkorn Na Ayudha in a surprise wedding ceremony yesterday.
In 2014, King Vajiralongkorn had appointed Sutidha Tijai, a former flight attendant for Thai Airways, as the deputy commander of his bodyguard unit. He made her a full general in the Thai Army in December 2016.
Renfield brought along wedding gifts for the couple- a croquet set once owned by Britain’s King George V for His Majesty King Maha Vajiralongkorn and a silver tea service once owned by King George V’s wife Queen Mary for Her Majesty Queen Sutidha.
Upon hearing of Renfield’s gift, a Thai cabinet minister had invited Renfield to play croquet today at his private garden and croquet court.
Renfield knew nothing whatsoever of playing croquet of course.
So needless to say, the Thai cabinet minister won the match by an overwhelming score.
However on the plus side, Renfield’s ineptness in thinking that he was playing cricket rather than croquet did knock out the entire coterie of Russian spies who had been sent to spy on the British politician by Vladimir Putin (who considered the British MP a major nuisance).
The balls went over the cabinet minister’s estate wall and by coincidental good fortune, struck all of them on the side of the head knocking them out cold.
As Putin sat in his office, he wondered to himself why he wasn’t getting an update from his operatives on what Renfield was currently doing.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 2nd
2019.
Renfield On Kerch, Crimea and The Sea of Azov: Let’s Get This Strait
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was currently consulting with the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill and Orson Welles and the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Hukulak to lead a commando raid of British Army Gurkhas on the Russian Navy at the Strait of Kerch to rescue two Ukrainian Navy gunboats The Nikopol and The Berdyansk and a Ukrainian Navy tug and 30 Ukrainian sailors who were seized by the Russian Navy yesterday,
In Kiev, Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko declared martial law in Ukraine for 30 days in order to put the country on a full war footing.
Donald Trump as usual was busy dithering and tweeting about “immigrants on the U.S-Mexico border” in the midst of yet another major international crisis.
He was also trying to make up in his own mind who was the nicer guy- Russian President Vladimir Putin or Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman.
On November 25th, Russian Spetznatz commandos of the Russian Navy seized the Ukrainian gunboats and the tug wounding half a dozen Ukrainian Navy sailors in the process.
Russia had used a Russian ship under the recently completed Kerch Bridge to illegally block passage to Ukrainian ships seeking to enter the Strait to access the Sea of Azov.
The Ukrainian Navy vessels had gone to ask the ship to stop blocking the entrance when they were fired upon by Russian Navy ships and then deliberately rammed.
Renfield and the Gurkas would be sailing on the Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed submarine The Amphitrite II to the Kerch Strait to rescue the Ukrainian Navy ships and sailors.
The Amphitrite II was invisible to both radar and sonar.
Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s original submarine of this design The Amphitrite I and its crew disappeared on its maiden test.
Although a computer at the CERN Large Hadron Collidor had picked up the fact that The Amphitrite I had wound up at the U.S. Navy shipyard in Philadelphia on October 28th 1943 where it slammed into the U.S. Navy destroyer escort The USS Eldridge.
The meeting between the four in Renfield’s office came to an end when the ghost of Orson Welles received an emergency Hermes transmitted telegram from the ghost of Nikola Tesla in the underworld realm of Hades.
Meanwhile outside the Westminster Houses of Parliament, the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the Russian FSB was waiting to assassinate Renfield.
It was while she waited for Renfield on the park bench that Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing spotted her.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 26th
2018.
Russia’s GRU Chief Dead- Who Is Responsible?
Donald Trump was being briefed by the CIA while sitting in his briefs (and looking at photos of Shakira for nobody had bothered telling the Twitterer-In-Chief that she was in fact Colombian) on the death of Russia’s GRU (Military Intelligence Directorate) head Colonel General Igor Korobov.
“So he died from a long illness?” Trump asked.
“Well so the Russian media would have us believe,” said CIA agent and cyborg operative George Akirason as he cleared his throat of both phlegm and nanites, “but in fact Korobov only started feeling unwell back in mid-September after having received a severe reprimand from President Vladimir Putin.”
“And what brought about this reprimand?” Trump asked as he combed both seaweed and Black Sea caviar out of his toupee.
“Because Putin got what he thought was a welcome (but she turned out to be unwelcome) visitor in his bedroom one night,” George Akirason coughed a mixture of both phlegm and nanites into his Stormy Daniels photo emblazoned handkerchief, “a sensuous and lovely Kazakh Dragon Sister but she had a poison ivy laced dildo with her which she proceeded to shove up the Russian leader’s anus. She then stapled a note to Putin’s phallus which had on it a message that said, “You’ll never guess what’s going to happen next.” And the message was signed “R.R.R.” The GRU then conducted raids on the Kazakh Dragon Sister’s Moscow apartment but she had fled back to unknown locales in Kazakhstan. Howver the apartment contained several autographed posters of British MP Renfield R. Renfield.”
“Renfield R. Renfield?” The hair in Trump’s toupee stood on end 😨, “That man gives me nightmares for some reason.”
. . .
German Chancellor Angela Merkel was receiving a briefing from a leather skirted female dominatrix Malaysian agent for the German Federal Intelligence Service.
Chancellor Merkel was astounded by how much the woman looked like world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes.
The woman whose secret agent code name was Magic Mushrooms and Killer Tomatoes spoke, “Contrary to what the media is saying, Colonel General Igor Korobov did not die from his illness. He was found face down in his bathroom with both his pants and Rasputin photo emblazoned boxer shorts pulled down and a 20 pound giant banana (with the words THE MAPLE LEAF AND CANNABIS PLANT FOREVER written on it) shoved up his behind. The trauma of the impact was what killed him. A well known Kazakh Dragon Sister assassin was seen leaving his place.”
. . .
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in his parliamentary office drinking brandy and smoking cigars with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill.
“Well,” Renfield raised his glass in a toast, “another successful operation planned by the once and future Prime Ministers of Great Britain. And executed by our beloved Kazakh Dragon Sister secret operative.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 22nd
2018.
A Kazakh Dragon Sister with a love for all things British.
Wilkie The Cat Performs Nat King Cole: A Poem
Wilkie The Cat
had a lovers’ spat
His girlfriend Mitzi
was raging spitzy
She had broken her parasol
saving Wilkie from a very deep hole
by red hot pokering a Saudi librarian mole
Trump defended the Saudi librarian assassin
and took to Twitter tweety bashin’
Saudi Arabia had threatened to fly planes into Canadian Toronto’s CN Tower
while Mohammad bin Salman like Putin gave Trump a golden shower
No wonder the Donald’s hairpiece was a sickening gold yellow toupee
for Putin and the Saudi Crown Prince performed like it was a rainy day
Mid-term elections were soon on the way
Was Robert Mueller making hay?
Democrats wondered
as Lizzie Warren blundered
The New York Times defended the Senator’s DNA test
because of brains and intelligence, The Times had not been blessed
It took one to hate one was that old adage
which is why Trump and The Times exchanged nasty tweets and cabbage
But fortunately for Wilkie’s relationship, he got a good gig
and an assignment that his girl Mitzi should really dig
He and she were invited to perform at a political party function
and did not have to play the part of Beverly Hillbillies at Petticoat Junction
It was at the Lincoln Performing Arts Centre
and Wilkie promised Mitzi he wouldn’t go on a bender
Mitzi dressed as Elizabeth Warren took to the stage
while politicos gazed at her like lions released from a cage
Mitzi began to sing,
Cherokee people,
Cherokee tribe,
so proud to live
so proud to die
…
and maybe someday when we’ve learned,
Cherokee Nation will return, will return
Wilkie The Cat came on stage dressed like Nat King Cole,
he really relished getting into this role
He pointed at Mitzi as Warren and began to sing,
“Oh yes, she’s the great pretender…”
after the show, Wilkie went on a bender.
For he got the attending crowd wrong
turning this into his Lincoln Center swan song
He thought he was performing to Republicans but alas! they were Democrats
and now Wilkie and Mitzi were once again unemployed performing arts cats.
-A Wilkie The Cat poem
written by Christopher
Friday October 19th
2018.
From Russia With… ?
From Russia With… ?
Tatiana Romanova (Daniela Bianchi) had been sent from Russia With Love 💕 to James Bond 007 (Sean Connery) in 1963.
55 years later, Vladimir Putin would be delivering a message to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu using the Russian vampiress FSB Agent Svetlana Kireeva as courier.
“Well, Svetlana,” Putin addressed the short skirt and black silk fishnet pantyhose wearing vampiress while holding a Cossack warrior’s fur hat on his lap to cover up his erection, “the message you deliver to Netanyahu will be the most earthshaking any leader has received since the Austro-Hungarian Empire delivered an ultimatum to the Kingdom of Serbia back in the early summer of 1914.”
“This means war then?” Svetlana had an orgasm in her panties as she thought of all that delicious blood flowing on the battlefield.
“Not if Netanyahu accepts our terms,” Putin answered, “there won’t be war in the Middle East at any rate.”
“But there may be war at Kiev?” Svetlana asked.
“Yes if Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko insists on taking Church property away from the legitimate Ukrainian Orthodox Church (Moscow Patriarchate) and giving it to the Ukrainian Orthodox Church (Kiev Patriarchate) that was recently and illegally recognized as autocephalous by the schismatic Patriarch of Constantinople Bartholomew I who is undoubtedly a CIA agent in the pay of the Hillarybeast loving Democratic Party Deep State in the U.S. government, Kiev will be overrun with Russian Army paratroopers,” Putin plucked the strings on his violin 🎻.
“And what of Patriarch Bartholomew?” Svetlana asked.
“I intend to employ quite literal Byzantine intrigue in Bartholomew’s case,” Putin smiled like Anthony Perkins looking at a woman in the shower 🚿, “as you know it was the practice in Byzantine times to get rid of annoying Emperors and Patriarchs by poisoning their Communion wine at Mass which is probably why the Western Roman Church for centuries only allowed for Communion in one kind that being the bread (something regarded as outrageous to the 16th Century Protestant Reformers who had little understanding of Byzantine Imperial history). I shall revive this ancient Byzantine practice by arranging for Bartholomew’s Communion wine to be poisoned 🤢 when he says Mass sometime in the near future. This will give British MP Renfield R. Renfield and the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill something else to be angry about as they plot my own demise.”
“Won’t the U. S. respond angrily if we send Russian troops into Jerusalem and/or Kiev?” Svetlana asked as she orgasmed at the thought of eating a cream cheesed smothered bagel in Jerusalem.
“They will,” Putin admitted as he orgasmed under his Cossack hat as he watched Svetlana orgasm through her panties and pantyhose, “but U.S. foreign policy is now in disarray as a result of the only one who has a true understanding of global affairs in the entire Trump Administration U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Haley resigning. The Donald’s mind will be preoccupied these days as he tries to think up Tweets to come up with to explain the sudden departure of one of his sole competent officials from his Administration. When he finally does come up with an appropriate tweet in response, we in Moscow will already have taken control of western Ukraine 🇺🇦 including Kiev and Israel 🇮🇱 including Jerusalem.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 9th
2018.
