Musical Instruments, Hazardous Vegetables, Amazon Rainforest and The Russian Spy Beluga Whale Defector

August 23, 2019 at 9:57 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Musical Instruments, Hazardous Vegetables, Amazon Rainforest and The Russian Spy Beluga Whale Defector

British MP Renfield R. Renfield asked his friend Amadeus Emanon, “Did you hear what happened to the saxophonist who played his musical instrument so badly?”.

“No,” Amadeus shook his head.

“He became a registered sax offender,” Renfield replied.

Amadeus buried his head in his hands.

Meanwhile down at the Set Enterprises aquarium, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having a vision of Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro wearing a long Roman toga, a crown of laurel wreath in his hair (much like that worn by the Emperor Nero) and holding in his hands a violin which he was playing badly as the Amazon rainforests burned.

Meanwhile in the waters off the coast of Norway, tragedy struck the Russian spy beluga whale defector who had recently defected to the Norwegians with the help of the ghost of Orson Welles.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 23rd
2019.

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The Russian Spy Beluga Whale Defector, Dracul Van Helsing and Norse Goddess Freya

July 26, 2019 at 10:55 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Mythology, News, Romance, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The Russian Spy Beluga Whale Defector, Dracul Van Helsing and Norse Goddess Freya

A beluga whale who was a spy for the Russians had recently defected to Norway a few months back.

The whale had been helped in his defection by the ghost of Orson Welles.

After the whale had successfully defected, Welles’ ghost eventually returned to England where he served as a spirit advisor to British MP Renfield R. Renfield (who had just been named to the British cabinet as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering).

The whale meanwhile had spent the past few months being debriefed by Norwegian Navy and Norwegian Intelligence officials.

The beluga had ate a great quantity of fish during this time although the whale said he “didn’t care much for lutefisk” much to the disappointment of Norway’s Minister of Culture.

The beluga told the Norwegians that much was happening under the sea these days.

Poseidon had had his trident stolen by the Syro-Phoenician mermaid goddess Atargatis.

The trident was given to Russian scientists who had developed a new submarine weapon with it.

The beluga (who had taken the name Melville) also said that the Norse deity of the ocean who was the sea jotunn Aegir and was also the major thrower of parties for the Norse gods and goddesses had recently started selling his ale (brewed in a huge cauldron provided by Thor and Tyr) to mortals.

Most mortals were incapable of handling the hangover that the ale gave them, the beluga stated, and when combined with certain other liquors could prove fatal to mortals.

One of the last things he had heard, Melville said (while posing for a photo with someone wearing a Herman Munster mask), was that The Ten Bells Pub in London used Aegir Ale and combined it with 9 liquors to make a shooter called The T-Rex.

If any mortal drank more than one T-Tex shooter, it would kill them.

The Norse goddess Freya, who had her own stenographer present at the beluga whale debriefing, informed Dracul Van Helsing of this.

“Renfield,” Dracul replied, “as in many other matters, is an exception to this rule.”

“Well,” Freya stood up from her dressing table and chair, “come and show me what rules you’re an exception to.”

Dracul did just that.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher 
Friday July 26th
2019.

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Ghost of Orson Welles Meets Belvedere In Istanbul

May 6, 2019 at 9:40 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The ghost of Orson Welles was sitting in a cafe in Istanbul.

He had been told by a Russian spy beluga whale whom he had helped to defect to Norway this past weekend that the lovely mermaid Miranda when swimming through the Bosphorus Strait would often shapeshift into full human form and visit the Marmara Cafe in downtown Istanbul of which she loved the Turkish coffee being served there.

Welles could never recall meeting an actual mermaid in his past mortal life or current ghostly life so he decided to come to Istanbul and visit the Marmara Cafe on the off chance that he might meet Miranda.

Welles sat at a back table in the corner of the cafe and sipped a glass of spectral red wine occasionally glancing at the entrance to see if any woman who might be a mermaid in full human form came walking through the door.

He recited William Butler Yeats’ Sailing To Byzantium as he sat,

“… And therefore have I sailed the seas and come
To the holy city of Byzantium. ”

“Orson!” A voice shouted from the doorway.

It was the voice of Belvedere the ghost of a ghost white salamander.

Belvedere had been human but back in the mid-1880s in the American Wild West had been turned into a ghost white salamander through an ancient Egyptian spell cast by a gypsy woman who worked in the Wild West saloon where he worked as a bartender.

He became the ghost of a ghost white salamander when he crawled outside and was run over by a settlers’ ox cart heading west.

The first and last time Belvedere saw Welles was back in October 1938 just prior to the then Boy Wonder delivering his famous Halloween War of The Worlds broadcast.

“Belvedere,” the ghost of Orson Welles lit a spectral cigar, “Long time no see.”

“I see we’re both ghosts now,” Belvedere sat across from the spectral cinematic talent.

“Such are the ravages of time,” Welles blew rosebud shaped smoke rings, “unless we be vampires, vampiresses, gods, goddesses or immortal dominatrixes who have eaten just the right amount of Lingzhi supernatural mushrooms, we must all succumb to the hands of the scythe wielding spectre Death there to see our flesh melt and our bones turned to dust and our spirits wandering earth, purgatory or paradise until such time as our bodies and souls are reunited into a new transformed whole on the Day of Judgment.”

“Eloquent as ever, my friend,” Belvedere was impressed.

“So, what are you doing these days?” Welles sipped his wine, “What brings you to Istanbul?”.

“I am now a reporter for The Times of London,” the ghost white salamander answered, “I’m here on assignment. Turkey’s chief electoral body has ordered that Istanbul’s local elections be re-held after President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s Islamist AK Party lost to the opposition secularist CHP Party after a shock opposition victory this past March.”

“It is indeed a hatchet in the cake of dictatorship when the trappings of democracy come crashing down just as the cake is being wheeled into the banquet hall where Ottoman Sultans once dined and harem girls once danced,” Welles helped himself to spectral caviar and spread it on a spectral slice of bread.

“Erdogan is indeed upset about the whole thing,” Belvedere agreed, “He himself used to be Mayor of Istanbul many years ago.”

“Such is the power of the spirit of Byzantium,” Welles drank a toast, “that this city can survive the misrule of a petty despot such as Erdogan.”

“Istanbul’s new CHP Mayor Ekrem Imamoglu is confident that he can win again in the re-held election,” Belvedere remarked.

“Beware the sting of scorpions and the fangs of serpents,” Welles’ baritone voice shook the cafe, “for my friends who still fast in the fires of Purgatory inform me that Lady MacBeth’s ghost serves as an advisor to Erdogan.”

“Great Scot! And great Caesar’s ghost!” Belvedere’s ghostly white face turned even more ghostly white, “Lady MacBeth!”.

“Never was a Film Noir Femme Fatale more femme fatalish than Lady MacBeth as the Bard so adeptly captured her personality, soul and spirit in his Scottish Play,” Welles raised his finger in the air to capture the direction the Mid-East winds were blowing, “for she serves not only as advisor to Erdogan but advisor to Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman as well. Tantalizing both claimants to a future Caliphate. Playing one side against the other. Stringing both together as if playing on a harp whose strings are made of human sinews.”

Belvedere decided to change to a cheerier subject.

“Have you ever watched Game of Thrones?” Belvedere asked.

“I have never watched an episode in full,” Welles confessed, “I have watched segments of certain programs on YouTube.”

“What do you think?” Belvedere inquired.

“What do I think?” Welles lit another spectral cigar, inhaled and then exhaled smoke rings like dragons, “I think Game of Thrones captures what the world of Medieval Europe would have been like if there had been no figure of Christ at the center of the culture of Medieval Europe.”

“Really?” Belvedere pondered this thought.

“In such a Medieval Europe,” Welles took the final sip of what remained of his glass, “Every ruler would be able to say… we are all Lady MacBeth.”

As a woman in another corner of the cafe claimed to have just given birth to dragons, the ghost of Lady MacBeth entered the cafe’s entrance still carrying stains of blood on her spectral formerly mortal hands.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 6th 2019
Orson Welles’ 104th
birthday.

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Ghost of Orson Welles Recites Poetry While Waiting On Shore For Russian Spy Beluga Whale Defector

May 4, 2019 at 10:14 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Poetry, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The ghost of Orson Welles stood on the Norwegian shoreline waiting for a Russian spy beluga whale to defect to the Norwegian government.

Standing alongside Welles was the Norwegian defense minister who was busy eating a can of Hertfordshire frozen peas and a can of Norwegian frozen cod.

As Welles sipped a glass of spectral red wine, he recited poetry:

On a sultry Arabian night, fair Scheherazade began the first of her 1001 tales
Whilst here I stand on this Norse shore and wait for a sign or spash from one of the beluga whales
Julian Assange meanwhile is in a British jail
releasing Hillary’s emails may prove a major fail
Does he have a cell mate who’ll sodomize him in the ass?
While Joe Biden laughs, this too shall come to pass?

Today Turkey’s President tweeted another verbal attack against Israel
Because Erdogan thinks he can an Ottoman sultan’s slippers fill
This past week a group of Catholic scholars charged Pope Francis with heresy
Had Francis lived in Christ’s time, would he have been the chief Pharisee?

Another coup attempt in Venezuela
ear marked of CIA hubris-philia
John Bolton and Mike Pompeo continue to beat the drums of war
Whilst Xi and Putin may boot the U.S. through Hades’ door
Are these the times foreseen by William Butler Yeats?
Is humanity’s thread to be cut by the deadliest of the Fates?

Yeats wrote in his poem The Second Coming
in his mind hearing distant war’s drums drumming
The best lack all conviction while the worst are full of passionate intensity.
Today it’s all pride and prejudice, little sense and sensibility.

No Sunday Masses being said in Sri Lanka
Because of Islamic State fanatica
Violence eats innocence with each passing hour
Statesmen are concerned not with truth but with power
And the foot of the god Ares has crushed many a flower

And now I wait for the sight of beluga whale
Humanity’s passing grade is F for a fail
Is dust in the wind all we shall be at the end of the day
As I watch the salt water splash on these shores of Norway?

-A poem written by Christopher
and recited by the ghost
of Orson Welles
Saturday May 4th
2019.


My childhood cinematic hero the great actor, director and writer
Orson Welles
in a poetic, poignant and powerfully compelling scene
from his movie F Is For Fake.

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The Ghost of Orson Welles and The Russian Spy Beluga Whale Defector To Norway

May 3, 2019 at 10:17 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Radio, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

While British MP Renfield R. Renfield was in Thailand to attend the coronation ceremony of King Maha Vajiralongkorn, his spirit advisors the ghosts of Orson Welles and Sir Winston Churchill were hanging around the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set smoking huge amounts of spectral cigars with Churchill drinking huge amounts of spectral brandy and Welles drinking huge amounts of spectral wine.

After a couple of days of this, an exasperated billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set asked his butler and valet Athelstan, “What’s the number for Ghostbusters?”.

“I regret to say, sir, that Ghostbusters was pure fiction and the Ghostbusters team portrayed by Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis and Ernie Hudson do not exist in reality,” Athelstan sighed.

“Damn,” Set spilled his crocodile casserole all over himself at this upsetting piece of news.

The phone rang.

Athelstan picked it up.

“It’s for you, Orson,” the valet called out to Welles’ ghost who was busy talking to the clock on the living room mantelpiece and telling it, “We will sell no wine before its time.”

“Who is it?” Welles asked.

“It’s Erna Solberg the Prime Minister of Norway,” Athelstan replied.

“What does the Prime Minister of Norway want with me?” Welles asked.

“Well, why don’t you pick up the fucking phone and find out?” Set said angrily as he was using vast amounts of Sherrielock Holmes’ Bavarian Magic Mushroom Stain Remover trying desperately to remove the crocodile casserole stains off his suit and tie.

Welles’ ghost took the phone.

After a long conversation, Welles’ ghost put the phone down.

“What is up, Senor Welles?” Athelstan asked.

“Apparently, that beluga whale that showed up in Norway that some people are calling a Russian spy wants to defect to the Norwegians,” Welles replied.

“And what does that have to do with you?” Set asked as he found out where Renfield kept his secret stash of bourbon (it was under the stairwell under a post office box marked HARRY POTTER Age 21) and helped himself to two bottles of bourbon.

“Apparently, the beluga whale doesn’t speak Norwegian,” Welles replied, “he only speaks Russian (which he learned at the Russian Navy’s Northern Fleet Headquarters in Murmansk where he was being taught to be a spy) and English. Apparently he learned English because his spy handler listened to my old radio programs that are available on the Internet. Shows like The Shadow, The Adventures of Harry Lime, and The Black Museum. He also liked a radio commercial ad I once did for Norwegian cod. Apparently it was that ad which inspired him to defect to Norway. While swimming towards Norwegian waters, he ran into the mermaid Miranda who had met Renfield once on the Israeli coast off Tel Aviv. Miranda told the beluga whale that while it is true that I’m dead, I was granted dispensational leave from Purgatory by Hades the god of the Underworld and I’m currently serving as a spirit advisor to Mr. Renfield along with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill. The beluga wants to make his formal defection to the Norwegian government with me present.”

“Does that mean you’ll go to Norway and be out of my house for a while?” Set asked as he started working on his 99th bottle of bourbon.

“Yes,” Welles nodded, “If I can borrow one of your Persian flying carpets to fly to Norway.”

“Yes, go down to the Set Enterprises Laboratories and Rug Emporium and get one,” Set directed, “In the name of God, go.”

Welles’ ghost walked out the door and went out into the London night with his spectral fur coat adorning his huge spectral shoulders.

Set looked over into the armchair by the fireplace where Churchill’s ghost sat fast asleep and singing in his sleep, “Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Clementine, you are lost and gone forever, oh my darling Clementine.”

“Now, if I can only find a way to get rid of that one,” the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire pointed a bony finger at Churchill before falling to the floor in a drunken stupor.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 3rd 2019.

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