I Once Met A Man Who Looked Like Orson Welles

July 3, 2014 at 5:23 pm (Inspiration, Short Story, Sports) (, , , , , , , , , , )

I Once Met A Man Who Looked Like Orson Welles

At a picnic many years ago, I once met a man who looked like Orson Welles.

Orson Welles as he looked later in life- bearded and heavyset.

At the table in front of him, he had a litre of wine and a glass.

The glass had both wine and ice in it.

Drinking wine with ice in it.

That struck me as something Orson Welles might do.

The man even sounded like Orson Welles as he talked.

He even laughed like Orson Welles laughed.

As Orson Welles had been long dead at the time I met this man, this would probably be the closest I’d get to meeting someone like Orson Welles I figured.

The man talked about growing up on a farm near Watson, Saskatchewan back during the Depression years of the 1930s.

He talked about the baseball team in the town of Watson.

About how his father was a big fan of baseball.

He loved the New York Yankees and he loved Watson’s baseball team.

Watson had a good team.

But they always lost to Regina in the league championships each year.

Plus the Watson baseball team did not really have a good set of uniforms being a small town of the Depression years.

Regina being Saskatchewan’s largest city had a great set of uniforms for their players.

And the man who looked like Orson Welles went on, “It was a night in August…”

Sadly I’ve forgotten the year he mentioned but it was an August night sometime in the late ’30s.

And Regina and Watson would probably be playing again in the League Championships at the end of the season judging from the amount of wins each team had.

So this August night the game between the two of them would probably serve as a preview of the League Championships.

And it seemed to be a harbinger of such judging from past years.

Because Watson always played well but Regina always ended up winning.

And the Regina players would always rub it in to the Watson players about their loss.

And they would always rub it in to the Watson players about their uniforms.

That particular August night after the Watson loss, ‘Orson Welles’ father heard one of the Regina players say to one of the Watson players, “Your playing is like your uniforms. Not quite up to par.”

‘Orson Welles’ father was livid.

But it just happened that fall that ‘Orson Welles’ father had a rare bumper crop for those years of the Depression.

And as a result, he had money coming in.

So he bought things needed for the home, the farm and the family.

And he still had money left over.

So he bought a whole fresh new set of uniforms for the Watson baseball team which he presented to them the week before the League Championship- which was once again between Watson and Regina.

Championship Day came.

And the Regina players’ eyes bulged out of their heads when they saw the Watson team’s uniforms.

The sight must have been too much for the Regina players to handle.

For that year they lost the League Championships to Watson.

After the game, one of the Watson players while holding the Championship Trophy went up to one of the Regina players (the one who had said, “Your playing is like your uniforms. Not quite up to par.”) and holding up the trophy and adjusting his spiffy looking jersey asked him, “How do you like our uniforms?”.

A story related by a voice like Orson Welles.

I shall always remember that story.

And I shall always remember that line spoken with an Orson Welles voice, “How do you like our uniforms?”.

-A short story
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 2nd
based on an anecdote
told him many years ago
by a man who looked
like Orson Welles.


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Pan Goatee and The Hara Kiri Lesson

November 12, 2013 at 8:34 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee and the Hara Kiri Lesson




Pan Goatee and CIA Agent Bob Belfor were ordered by their superiors in Washington to see if they could psychologically coerce one of their Pakistani Taliban prisoners to commit suicide.



Hara Kiri was the method Bob Belfor suggested after he had spent a night masturbating over Japanese made samurai films.



Belfor had a thing for men dressed in Japanese armour.



Pan Goatee in checking the backgrounds of the Taliban  prisoners  noticed that one of the men was a Canadian citizen born and raised in the Canadian province of Saskatchewan.



He left Saskatchewan at the age of 21 to join the Taliban after he had noticed an employment opportunity ad placed by them in the Regina Leader Post newspaper.



Pan Goatee placed the man in a cell which had both a large projection screen and also a mat on which was placed a Hara Kiri knife.



Pan Goatee closed the door and then ordered the projectionist to start running a series of videos that Pan had ordered.



The videos showed the last few minutes of every football game that the Saskatchewan Roughriders CFL Football Team had lost in their entire history.


Pan Goatee deduced that even though the man was Muslim because he was born and raised in the province of Saskatchewan, he would probably have the same fanatical devotion and love for the Saskatchewan Roughriders Football Team (equal in intensity and zeal to that of any fanatical Islamist zealot) as any other person born and raised in the province of Saskatchewan.



Saskatchewan’s devotion and worship of their CFL Football team was so fanatically intense that every other Canadian in other provinces referred to Saskatchewan by the nickname Rider Nation.



At first Bob Belfor doubted Pan Goatee’s reasoning.



But they soon heard wild penetrating screams coming from the man’s cell.



“Good God!” Belfor exclaimed, “The man must surely be disemboweling himself.”




They ran into the room only to see the man not disemboweling himself but screaming over the fact that Saskatchewan had lost the CFL Western Conference Championship to the Calgary Stampeders in the last few seconds of the game due to the fact Saskatchewan was penalized in a last minute penalty for stupidly having too many men on the field.



They closed the door.



They listened.



There was a strange rattling sound.



What was that rattling?



They opened the door.



It was the sound of the man’s death rattle.


He had finally picked up the Hara Kiri knife and disemboweled himself.



“He was a lot quieter over his disemboweling than he was over the fact that the Roughriders had lost that game,” Belfor stated.



“Just goes to show I’m right,” Pan Goatee grinned,  “you can take the terrorist out of Saskatchewan but you can’t take Saskatchewan out of the terrorist.”







To be continued.





-A vampire novel chapter

 written by Christopher

 Tuesday November 12th



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