Renfield Takes Stock of The North American Titanic

August 18, 2020 at 10:14 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was spending the day in an English country garden.

Renfield was currently on his laptop, sitting under a tree and sipping a Mai Tai.

He was spending the day answering emails from a few of his North American fans.

Some Canadians were writing to him complaining that most of the “health experts” in Canada (whom the media were constantly focusing on in this time of the pandemic caused by an escaped Chinese Communist bioweapon) were all female (which was all right) but they were also all quite repulsively ugly (which was not all right).

It was Renfield’s understanding that these “health experts” were saying the same thing day after day and thus there was no reason for these facial breakers of mirrors to appear in public every day.

Renfield lined up the next Alberta Health Press Conference from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada with a new individual who would just repeat the same lines that the ugly looking female Provincial “Health Expert” said every day.

A parrot then appeared at the podium in front of the assembled news media.

Quoth the parrot, “Squawk. Remember to wash your hands. Squawk. Remember to wash your hands. Squawk. Remember to wash your hands.”

The parrot then made his next statement, “Squawk. Practice social distancing. Squawk. Practice social distancing. Squawk. Practice social distancing.”

Flapping his feathers, the parrot then built up to the punch line, “Squawk. Wear a mask at all times. Squawk. Wear a mask at all times. Squawk. Wear a mask at all times.”

Yes, the parrot just sounds like your typical “health expert” now, Renfield thought to himself as he watched on his laptop.

The parrot then added, “Squawk. Polly wants a cracker. Squawk. Polly wants a cracker. Squawk. Polly wants a cracker.”

Okay, Renfield thought, the parrot will add an improvisational line of his own just so that these Health Authority press conferences don’t wind up as boring as a Stephen Colbert comedy routine.

. . .

After taking a brief dip in the garden wading pool where he made a dozen laps back and forth across the two metre wide long pool, Renfield towelled himself off and went back to his laptop.

He then watched a few scenes from last night’s U.S. Democratic Party Presidential Virtual Convention.

After rolling on the grass next to his lawn chair in huge rollicking gales of laughter, the next door neighbour to Renfield’s country estate was thinking to himself, “He doesn’t seem to be taking the Democratic National Convention with the same degree of seriousness as The Washington Post, The New York Times, CNN, MSNBC, Global News Canada and all the other disinformation branches of the New World Order Ministry of Propoganda.”

Renfield then read a Twitter tweet that satanic witch airhead Alyssa Milano had sent to the Democratic Convention, “I’m so happy I’m a fucking Democrat.”

Renfield then sent a reply back to Ms. Milano under the handle of his fictional Italian alter ego Luigi Parmacelli, “You so happy you’re a fucking Democrat. All those Democrats you ‘a fucked had better check themselves into the nearest Sexually Transmitted Diseases clinic for ‘a emergency treatment.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 18th

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Michelangelo’s Vision of Dementia Prone Joe Biden and Satanic Airhead Alyssa Milano

May 2, 2020 at 10:26 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Vision of Dementia Prone Joe Biden and Satanic Airhead Alyssa Milano

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was playing Solitaire with his deck of waterproof playing cards using his lobster claws when he suddenly picked up a TV news bulletin from the future on his psychic lobster antennae.

Announcer: The American Psychiatric Association spokesman went on to define Trump Derangement Syndrome as a mental imbalance which the most partisan Democrats in America are extremely prone to. A condition by which the most partisan Democrats become so mentally unhinged by the mentally deranged Donald Trump that they start developing positions which while representative of opposing viewpoints to Trump are about as equally mentally unbalanced and equally dangerous as those espoused by Mr. Trump.
In other news, satanic witch airhead Alyssa Milano brushed off the sexual assault that dementia prone Joe Biden tried to pull off on Ms. Milano last night when he broke into her apartment wearing a Bill Clinton mask.
Mr. Biden tried to force himself on Ms. Milano by taking off her bathrobe.
His attempt at coitus was suddenly interrupted when he started screaming “Stella!” and then started screaming that he may have missed “a streetcar named Desire”.
The senile Presidential candidate started rummaging through her bathroom medicine cabinet but was unable to find any Viagra.
He had to be carried out in a straight jacket.
Mr. Biden is expected to name his Vice-Presidential running mate sometime in the next half hour in a hastily called looney bin press conference.
Ms. Milano said she doesn’t intend to press charges against Joe Biden “because he’s a man I admire and respect. Plus we both appear to be on the same wavelength mentally speaking. And he’s needed to defeat Donald Trump.”

. . .

Former weightlifter, movie actor and California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger was doing another one of his livestream video podcasts to keep people entertained during the worldwide Covid-19 lockdown.

The former Terminator star was busy screaming his head off as the podcast began.

Schwarzenegger (in his thick Austrian accent): “You must excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. But my recently purchased pet goat Doctor Dolittle’s Revenge just stuck his goat horns up my buttocks. Something which I must confess I found an exceedingly painful experience.
So please don’t try this at home.
However as I drink this milk and munch on these cookies, I’m starting to feel much better now.
And now I must conclude my podcast. And remember, ladies and gentlemen. Stay home. Stay safe.”

Schwarzenegger starts screaming again when his pet goat Doctor Dolittle’s Revenge once again shoves his goat horns up the ex-Terminator’s buttocks.

. . .

The Irish Jewish science-fiction writer George Finneganburg had been watching the ex-Terminator’s podcast on his computer.

For the past few nights, the nuns from the convent in the movie The Sound of Music had been haunting his dreams constantly singing, “How do you solve a problem like Akira?…”

Akira was the name of his Japanese sex robot in his dystopian Sci-Fi story who had gone far beyond Westworld bad.

Seeing what a goat had just done to the ex-Terminator killer robot, perhaps he could find a way of working a goat into his story when Akira starts singing that old Joni Mitchell song, “I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now…”

. . .

Pope Francis was having a conversation with Phoenix Diabolicus the demon who was the Vicar of Lucifer on Earth.

“I must say my boss is pleased with the way you have allowed the governments of the world to prevent people from receiving the Sacraments particularly the Mass all over the planet,” Phoenix Diabolicus smiled, “This will increase the chances of more and more people becoming diabolically possessed if they don’t have access to the Sacraments. Someone like John Paul II or even Benedict XVI would have raised a major fuss if public celebration of the Mass had been forbidden particularly like what is happening in U.S. states governed by anti-Life and pro-sexual perversion Democratic Party governors.”

“I’m always happy to oblige the demons Baal and Baphomet,” Pope Francis viewed the latest ecumenical document his gay lavender mafia Jesuit ghost writer had written which he was about to put his own name of authorship to.

“Now the Boss wants to know what you intend to do about the Latin Tridentine Mass?” Phoenix Diabolicus sipped a Caesar’s cocktail, “He hates that Mass most of all.”

“Well I’ve recently instructed my bureaucrats to send out a survey to the bishops of the world asking them questions and their opinion of Summorum Pontificum which was Pope Benedict XVI’s July 2007 Apostolic Letter which said that priests could celebrate the Latin Mass without needing the permission of their usually obscurantist bishops,” Francis sipped a bottle of Corona beer whose label had been personally autographed by the Inca earth mother goddess Pachamama, “When we get the survey back, all those surveys where the diocesan bishops answered they disapproved of Summorum Pontificum will be forwarded to most of the world news media. Those surveys where the diocesan bishops answered they approve of Summorum Pontificum will be forwarded to most of the Vatican departments’ garbage bins.”

“I knew we could count on you, Jorge,” Phoenix Diabolicus lit himself a Cuban cigar.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 2nd

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