Pan Goatee and Janitorial Reflections On Alfred Hitchcock and Nanotechnology

January 17, 2018 at 8:38 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Film, Movies, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Pan Goatee and Janitorial Reflections On Alfred Hitchcock and Nanotechnology

“This looks like a job for Pan Goatee,” the satyr serial killer said as he removed his machete from his belt and decapitated a whole bunch of ugly women who were riding the bus.

Once again transit system janitors would be working overnight washing the floor and removing the blood.

“Nobody seems to murder anyone in motel room showers anymore,” one janitor complained to another.

“No, ever since Alfred Hitchcock shot that masterful scene in black and white with Janet Leigh, most psychos seem to have been afraid to murder a woman in the shower ever since,” a janitor refilled his bucket with Spic and Span.

“At least the IQ level of psychos is going up,” the other janitor filled his bucket up with Mr. Clean, “must be the influence of breakthroughs in nanotechnology and other Transhumanistically inclined sciences. At least these psychopaths are now starting to kill ugly looking women instead of good looking women like Janet Leigh.”

“The gene pool is certainly on the rise as far as psychotic killers are concerned,” the other janitor had to admit.

Next morning the bus was sparkling clean.

Ready for another day of public transit.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 17th
2018.

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Pan Goatee To Be Nominated For U. S. Medal of Honour

December 21, 2017 at 10:11 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee To Be Nominated For U.S. Medal of Honour

U.S. President Donald Trump was looking at the work that DARPA hired assassin Pan Goatee had done for that agency.

President Trump said to his aide, “I’m going to nominate Pan Goatee to receive the U.S. Medal of Honour.”

“But sir, Mr. Goatee isn’t officially a member of any of the Armed Services of the United States which is a qualification necessary to receive the award,” said the aide.

“So,” Trump shrugged, “I’ll sign a proclamation making him a member of the U.S. Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines. That way all our branches will be honoured when he gets the award.”

“But it would be a controversial decision,” said his aide, “because as a hobby, Pan Goatee is a serial killer who specializes in killing ugly women.”

“Killing ugly women?” Trump looked at his aide, “Well, then he definitely deserves the U.S. Medal of Honour. I’m going to sign his nomination papers now.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 21st
2017.

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Pan Goatee’s Horribly Bad Day

June 5, 2017 at 4:14 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was having a horribly bad day.

In fact the first few days of June had been horribly bad days.

What was it about the first few days of the month that always brought the ugly women out into the streets?

Pay day perhaps? A little voice whispered to him.

What? Do they get paid for being ugly? Pan Goatee answered the little voice, No wonder Western civilization is going down hill.

He actually had to find an astral laser machete carver to polish his astral laser machete because he had put it in so much use the past few days lopping off all the heads of the ugly looking women who dared to cross his path.

Do you know how hard it is to find an astral laser machete carver? he asked a homeless person he saw on the streets.

“Pretty hard, I imagine,” the homeless person answered.

“It is, indeed,” Pan Goatee boarded the commuter train.

The train was once again taking longer than usual at one particular stop.

“What is it with the asshole who drives this train?” Pan Goatee asked angrily, “why does he always take longer at this one particular stop? What does he do here anyways? Is this his favourite stop for stopping and masturbating or something?”.

In fact, the asshole who was driving the train was taking so long at this one particular stop that a fat ugly woman boarded the train at the far end and waddled her way down to a couple of seats from him.

“Oh Zeus, I can’t believe it,” Pan Goatee shouted, “you fat ugly bitch, stay where you are when you board the train. Don’t waddle your way down to my end. You’ve thoroughly ruined my day by having your fatness and your ugliness in my immediate presence.”

Pan Goatee took out his freshly carved and polished laser machete and cut off the fat ugly bitch’s head.

“Hey mac, that’s no way to treat a lady,” one irate construction worker shouted at him.

“For your information, ye of little IQ,” Pan Goatee approached the man, “that was no lady. She was a fat ugly blimp blotting out the sun and ruining the landscape.”

A moment later and the construction worker’s head was lopped off.

“You need glasses,” commented Pan Goatee, “as well as a new head on your shoulders.”

Pan Goatee then got off the train on to the platform and walked down to the front where the driver was located.

“I want to see what this asshole is doing,” said Pan.

Pan walked into the driver’s cubicle and sure enough the guy was sitting there masturbating.

“You disgusting filthy little pervert,” Pan admonished.”How can you possibly sit there and masturbate in a city which seems to be filled with ugly looking women? There’s absolutely no excuse for your lewd filthy behaviour.”

And with that, Pan Goatee lopped off the train driver’s head.

He then went to the library and sat at a public computer when an ugly looking woman sat next to him.

He immediately beheaded her with his astral laser machete.

“And to think,” Pan Goatee commented as he exited the library, “that my municipal taxes go towards paying for places like this.”

U.S. President Donald Trump watched the video that had been shown him of Pan Goatee’s killing spree today.

“Why,” his National Security adviser asked him, “Don’t you send Pan Goatee after Islamic State fighters?”.

Trump motioned for his National Security adviser to leave the room.

Hm, Trump reflected, Pan Goatee had been doing such an excellent job of killing ugly looking women. It seemed a pity to send the satyr serial killer after Islamic State fighters.

And so President Donald Trump wrestled with the question, who was the greater threat to the world? Ugly women? Or Islamic State militants?

He was up the entire night in the Oval Office wrestling with that question.

And by the next morning, he still didn’t have an answer.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 5th
2017.

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Pan Goatee Celebrates International Women’s Day

March 8, 2017 at 7:27 pm (Commentary, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (who escaped from a Set Enterprises truck in northern England back in 2013) was celebrating International Women’s Day by cutting off the heads of ugly looking women as he rode the New York City subway.

“Get out of the way, you ugly looking thing,” Pan Goatee quickly used his astral laser machete to cut off the creature’s head as she got in his way.

“Hey, mac, that’s sexist,” some guy shouted at Pan Goatee, “don’t you know it’s International Women’s Day?”.

“Go join them then,” Pan Goatee cut off the man’s testicles with his astral laser machete.

He exited the train and continued to lop off the head of any ugly looking woman who got in his way.

“Who’s that?” the Greek god Zeus asked his daughter Artemis (who had been known as Diana among the Ancient Romans).

“He kind of looks like Pan the god of the wild who sadly died under mysterious circumstances a couple of millenia ago,” Artemis answered.

“He does,” Zeus agreed.

“Who is this guy?” U.S. President Donald Trump asked one of his aides as he watched the beheading video on Instagram.

“He works for us, Mr. President,” his aide replied, “He’s a contract assassin for our government. He does serial killing of ugly women in his spare time as a hobby.”

“That’s good to hear,” President Trump applied some Brylcreem to his hair, “that’s very good to hear.”

“Who does he work for?” Russian President Vladimir Putin asked one of his aides as he viewed the beheading on YouTube.

“Sadly, not for us,” his aide replied.

“How do we get him to work for us?” Putin asked.

“We could tell him how Russia is a country full of beautiful women as opposed to the ugly stoats and gargoyles who seem to predominate among North American womanhood these days,” his aide replied, “so he could spend more time screwing our women instead of beheading North American women. Make love not war as the anti-Vietnam War protesters of the 1960s used to say.”

“I like that idea,” Vladimir took his shirt off and started lifting some weights in his office.

“Who does he work for?” North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un asked one of his aides as he handed him a facecloth which the aide declined for some reason.

“Sadly for the imperialist American running dogs,” his aide replied.

“How do we get him to work for us?” Kim Jong-un text messaged his friend Dennis Rodman.

“We could tell him how North Korea is a country full of beautiful women as opposed to the ugly camels and cows who seem to predominate among North American womanhood these days,” his aide replied.

“An excellent idea,” Kim Jong-un clicked the Like button on the Facebook page set up for the assassination of his half-brother Kim Jong-nam.

“Great Zeus, Hecate has been beheaded,” Apollo shouted from Times Square as the Greek goddess of witchcraft in crone form had attracted the wrath of Pan Goatee.

“What manner of half-man half-goat is this that even deity dies at his hands?” Zeus asked as he stood in front of the Coca-Cola neon sign.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 8th
2017.

null

Artemis the Goddess of the Hunt, unlike Hecate the goddess of witchcraft, was spared the wrath of Pan Goatee.

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Pan Goatee To The Rescue Again

August 13, 2016 at 12:44 pm (Humour, Mystery/horror, Mythology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee whose profession was U.S. government contract assassin and whose hobby was serial killing (he specialized in killing ugly looking women to make the world a more beautiful place to live) happened to wander by the blood analysis laboratory on the third floor of a hospital.

As he gazed into the waiting room, he happened to notice an enormously chubby and fat repulsive ugly looking woman trying to brush her elephantesque legs against some poor snook who clearly did not enjoy the physical contact with such a fat repulsive ugly looking creature.

The poor snook went over to the water fountain to try to escape the fat ugly thing’s advances and the fat repulsive ugly creature (who was wearing an I’m For Hillary campaign button- no surprise to Pan Goatee!) followed him over there.

Pan Goatee positively boiled over with Nietzschean (Oscar) Wildean Apollonian (Apollo the Greek god of beauty) aesthetic rage at the sight.

Ugly women clearly have no regard for other people’s feelings, Pan Goatee thought to himself (if they did, they’d sequester themselves in a dark cave somewhere where no one would have to look at them).

Quickly Pan Goatee entered the lab analysis waiting room, pulled out his machette and lopped off the fat ugly repulsive creature’s fat ugly head.

He then picked up the head and as careful as Perseus was in handling Medusa’s head, he entered one of the waiting room washrooms and flushed the fat ugly head down the toilet. When the toilet started overflowing, Pan Goatee closed the washroom door and grabbed an OUT OF ORDER sign and put it on the washroom door.

“How can I ever thank you?” The poor snook was forever grateful to Pan Goatee.

“All in a day’s work, my boy,” Pan Goatee doffed his mink fur hat, “part of my ongoing fight to make the world a more beautiful and aesthetically pleasing place. So that one day all of God’s children will be able to sing with perfect sincerity the lyrics of that beautiful Louis Armstrong song What A Wonderful World.”

Pan Goatee then exited out the waiting room door and went out into the wider world beyond.

“Who was that man with hairy goat’s legs?” The poor snook asked in amazement.

“I believe that was Pan Goatee a U.S. government contract assassin and well-known serial killer of ugly looking women,” the somewhat relieved and quite grateful for her attractive looks waiting room nurse stated, “I saw him on the Jimmy Kimmel Show last year.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 10th 2016.

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Pan Goatee’s Ongoing Efforts To Make The World A More Beautiful Place To Live

March 2, 2016 at 8:38 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Ongoing Efforts To Make The World A More Beautiful
Place To Live

“Jesus fucking H. Christ, that woman’s repulsively ugly,” serial killer and U.S. government contract assassin Pan Goatee thought to himself when he noticed the walking outhouse droppings ugly woman cyclist standing at the corner holding on to her bicycle (what incredibly bad deeds had this ill-fated bicycle done in a past incarnation that assigned him such an incredibly Hellish fate of karma in this lifetime?).

One thing that Pan Goatee had noted in his existence since he was genetically created in a lab as a reborn satyr from Greek mythology 3 years ago was that most women cyclists were quite repulsively ugly.

He didn’t know why (the more Sherlock Holmesian inclined genetic creation Renfield R. Renfield would have deduced that it was probably because beautiful women got driven to and fro in luxury automobiles owned by guys while of course the ugly women didn’t).

As such brainless big city mayors shouldn’t be shutting down lanes of streets, roads and highways to allow for more bicycle lanes and paths.

This only encouraged the ugly of the world to leave their rooms and closets and dark holes (where they belonged!) and go out and about in the external world (ruining everyone’s day when they were confronted with the sight of such disgraceful aesthetic abominations of nature gone horribly and terribly wrong).

As the ugly cyclist walked by, Pan Goatee lopped off her ugly head with a machete.

“You stupid ugly looking piece of shit,” Pan Goatee shouted, “I’m going to make an example of you..”

He then used the machete to chop her entire body up into thinly sliced pieces of flesh and bone on the street.

A Japanese tourist filmed the whole thing with his smart phone and posted it on line.

The video went viral.

“I like this guy,” Renfield R. Renfield commented as he ate some popcorn and got a blow job from an admittedly beautiful woman.

“I like this guy,” former U.S. President Bill Clinton said as he watched the video on a desktop computer.

“Bill, what are you doing?” Hillary screamed as she entered the office, “and what is that young female campaign intern doing between your legs?”.

“I have no idea, dear,” Bill gulped, “I didn’t even know she was down there. I swear. I did not have…”

“I like this guy,” the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl said as he watched the popular YouTube video while eating a bucket of human hearts and a bucket of KFC at the same time.

As he licked his fingers and wondered where his wet wipe finger tissues got to, he contemplated the idea of a Trump Presidency and wondered whether a wall built along the Mexico-U.S. border would block easy access to the Aztec gold that America Unearthed History Channel TV host Scott Wolter claimed was secretly buried somewhere in the American state of Utah.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 2nd
2016.

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Pan Goatee To The Rescue

February 3, 2016 at 8:22 pm (Fantasy, Film, Short Story, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee To The Rescue

It was a depressing day.

Not only was it raining in Vancouver but there seemed to be quite a number of ugly physically unattractive women walking the streets today only adding to one’s sense of melancholy.

“Oh if only Pan Goatee were real,” the depressed writer remarked to himself as his efforts to recover from a nasty bout of the flu seemed to be going down the drain along with the contents of his stomach at seeing such abominations of desolation scarring the visual landscape.

“Pan Goatee to the rescue,” his creation the genetically created satyr half-man half-goat serial killer suddenly appeared in person and heroically raising his astral laser beam machete proceeded to cut off the heads of the offending facially aesthetically challenged creatures.

Woody Allen suddenly appeared on the street corner looking the exact same way he did when he had just met Marshall McLuhan in the lobby of the movie theatre in the film Annie Hall.

Woody Allen looked at the camera and said, “Don’t you wish this happened in real life?”.

-A short story written by Christopher
Wednesday February 3rd 2016.

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Pan Goatee Living The High Life

October 1, 2013 at 7:31 pm (Commentary, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee Living The High Life

 

 

Pan Goatee was living the high life in a penthouse apartment in Washington D. C.

 

Two months ago he had been detained by Egyptian customs authorities in Cairo for not having a valid visa.

 

So he took out his astral machete and killed them all.

 

Hearing of this, DARPA employee Jack Jarvis who had been assigned to track down the astral projecting serial killer immediately flew to Egypt.

 

Finding Pan Goatee atop the Great Pyramid where he was asking “Where’s the Capstone?”, Jarvis asked him to come work for the U.S. government as a hired assassin carrying out targeted killings on behalf of dear old Uncle Sam.

 

Pan Goatee agreed.

 

So now here he was living the high life living in a penthouse apartment with a great view of the Potomac and being paid an obscenely luxurious salary carrying out targeted killings and assassinations for the  U.S. government.

 

Even better he was still being paid that salary despite the  U. S. government shutdown that had occurred today since being a hired assassin astral projecting killer was deemed an essential service by the government.

 

 

To be continued.

 

 

 

 

-A vampire novel chapter

 written by Christopher

  Tuesday October 1st 2013

 

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