Pan Goatee’s DARPA Experiment

January 2, 2018 at 8:55 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Pan Goatee’s DARPA Experiment

The head of DARPA who went by the code name of Enigma was reading a report written by DARPA’s most preeminent contract assassin the genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.

In it, Pan Goatee was making a proposal to raise the collective intelligence of the human race.

In it, Pan Goatee argued that ugly looking women should be eliminated because not only were such creatures ugly but they were generally quite stupid as well.

Pan Goatee also submitted an expense deduction to be sent to DARPA accounting.

Pan Goatee had hired and flown into the U.S. a pot smoking Vancouverite from Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.

What, Enigma wondered, did Pan Goatee want with a pot smoking Vancouverite?

The answer became clear later in the day when a TV news story surfaced that a marijuana toking individual was manning a sidewalk booth where he was handing out free samples of a drink called Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s Nanite Earl Grey Tea.

The one catch was the drink would be handed out to ugly looking women only.

After drinking the tea, each ugly looking woman’s head would explode.

Enigma figured that the reason Pan Goatee hired a pot smoking Vancouverite to hand out the tea samples was because only someone who was stoned out of his mind would be able to handle the sight of so many ugly looking women approaching him at once.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 2nd

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Pan Goatee To Be Nominated For U. S. Medal of Honour

December 21, 2017 at 10:11 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee To Be Nominated For U.S. Medal of Honour

U.S. President Donald Trump was looking at the work that DARPA hired assassin Pan Goatee had done for that agency.

President Trump said to his aide, “I’m going to nominate Pan Goatee to receive the U.S. Medal of Honour.”

“But sir, Mr. Goatee isn’t officially a member of any of the Armed Services of the United States which is a qualification necessary to receive the award,” said the aide.

“So,” Trump shrugged, “I’ll sign a proclamation making him a member of the U.S. Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines. That way all our branches will be honoured when he gets the award.”

“But it would be a controversial decision,” said his aide, “because as a hobby, Pan Goatee is a serial killer who specializes in killing ugly women.”

“Killing ugly women?” Trump looked at his aide, “Well, then he definitely deserves the U.S. Medal of Honour. I’m going to sign his nomination papers now.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 21st

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Pan Goatee’s Horribly Bad Day

June 5, 2017 at 4:14 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was having a horribly bad day.

In fact the first few days of June had been horribly bad days.

What was it about the first few days of the month that always brought the ugly women out into the streets?

Pay day perhaps? A little voice whispered to him.

What? Do they get paid for being ugly? Pan Goatee answered the little voice, No wonder Western civilization is going down hill.

He actually had to find an astral laser machete carver to polish his astral laser machete because he had put it in so much use the past few days lopping off all the heads of the ugly looking women who dared to cross his path.

Do you know how hard it is to find an astral laser machete carver? he asked a homeless person he saw on the streets.

“Pretty hard, I imagine,” the homeless person answered.

“It is, indeed,” Pan Goatee boarded the commuter train.

The train was once again taking longer than usual at one particular stop.

“What is it with the asshole who drives this train?” Pan Goatee asked angrily, “why does he always take longer at this one particular stop? What does he do here anyways? Is this his favourite stop for stopping and masturbating or something?”.

In fact, the asshole who was driving the train was taking so long at this one particular stop that a fat ugly woman boarded the train at the far end and waddled her way down to a couple of seats from him.

“Oh Zeus, I can’t believe it,” Pan Goatee shouted, “you fat ugly bitch, stay where you are when you board the train. Don’t waddle your way down to my end. You’ve thoroughly ruined my day by having your fatness and your ugliness in my immediate presence.”

Pan Goatee took out his freshly carved and polished laser machete and cut off the fat ugly bitch’s head.

“Hey mac, that’s no way to treat a lady,” one irate construction worker shouted at him.

“For your information, ye of little IQ,” Pan Goatee approached the man, “that was no lady. She was a fat ugly blimp blotting out the sun and ruining the landscape.”

A moment later and the construction worker’s head was lopped off.

“You need glasses,” commented Pan Goatee, “as well as a new head on your shoulders.”

Pan Goatee then got off the train on to the platform and walked down to the front where the driver was located.

“I want to see what this asshole is doing,” said Pan.

Pan walked into the driver’s cubicle and sure enough the guy was sitting there masturbating.

“You disgusting filthy little pervert,” Pan admonished.”How can you possibly sit there and masturbate in a city which seems to be filled with ugly looking women? There’s absolutely no excuse for your lewd filthy behaviour.”

And with that, Pan Goatee lopped off the train driver’s head.

He then went to the library and sat at a public computer when an ugly looking woman sat next to him.

He immediately beheaded her with his astral laser machete.

“And to think,” Pan Goatee commented as he exited the library, “that my municipal taxes go towards paying for places like this.”

U.S. President Donald Trump watched the video that had been shown him of Pan Goatee’s killing spree today.

“Why,” his National Security adviser asked him, “Don’t you send Pan Goatee after Islamic State fighters?”.

Trump motioned for his National Security adviser to leave the room.

Hm, Trump reflected, Pan Goatee had been doing such an excellent job of killing ugly looking women. It seemed a pity to send the satyr serial killer after Islamic State fighters.

And so President Donald Trump wrestled with the question, who was the greater threat to the world? Ugly women? Or Islamic State militants?

He was up the entire night in the Oval Office wrestling with that question.

And by the next morning, he still didn’t have an answer.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 5th

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Pan Goatee’s Raspberry To Calgary White Women

December 8, 2016 at 6:34 pm (Poetry) (, , , , , )

O Calgary white women, thou art ugly
Dogs should do to you what they do to a tree
why do Neo-Nazis think they’re the superior race?
Between their ears must lie quite the empty space.

Anybody whose women are so ugly
Master race they cannot be.
Meghan Trainor sang Mama told me, don’t worry about your size
These fat ugly slobs don’t as they down Big Mac, Coke and fries

Jack Morrow noted Edmonton archivist and historian said of Alberta this province
if it weren’t for black and Asian women, we’d have no real women here- makes sense
fat ugly white slobs who blot out the sun as they waddle down the street
who would surely if they stepped on- crush an elephant’s feet
in terms of competing with Goodyear blimp for size and girth
they’d win hands down- all bets off for what it’s worth

These fat ugly slobs told by Oprah- be proud of the way they look
but their appearance would drive Hannibal Lector to cease being a cook
Black women and Asian women wisely reject Oprah’s advice
an ugly appearance is similar to having head lice.

-A poem written by Pan Goatee
after a recent visit to Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Thursday December 8th 2016

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Pan Goatee To The Rescue Again

August 13, 2016 at 12:44 pm (Humour, Mystery/horror, Mythology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee whose profession was U.S. government contract assassin and whose hobby was serial killing (he specialized in killing ugly looking women to make the world a more beautiful place to live) happened to wander by the blood analysis laboratory on the third floor of a hospital.

As he gazed into the waiting room, he happened to notice an enormously chubby and fat repulsive ugly looking woman trying to brush her elephantesque legs against some poor snook who clearly did not enjoy the physical contact with such a fat repulsive ugly looking creature.

The poor snook went over to the water fountain to try to escape the fat ugly thing’s advances and the fat repulsive ugly creature (who was wearing an I’m For Hillary campaign button- no surprise to Pan Goatee!) followed him over there.

Pan Goatee positively boiled over with Nietzschean (Oscar) Wildean Apollonian (Apollo the Greek god of beauty) aesthetic rage at the sight.

Ugly women clearly have no regard for other people’s feelings, Pan Goatee thought to himself (if they did, they’d sequester themselves in a dark cave somewhere where no one would have to look at them).

Quickly Pan Goatee entered the lab analysis waiting room, pulled out his machette and lopped off the fat ugly repulsive creature’s fat ugly head.

He then picked up the head and as careful as Perseus was in handling Medusa’s head, he entered one of the waiting room washrooms and flushed the fat ugly head down the toilet. When the toilet started overflowing, Pan Goatee closed the washroom door and grabbed an OUT OF ORDER sign and put it on the washroom door.

“How can I ever thank you?” The poor snook was forever grateful to Pan Goatee.

“All in a day’s work, my boy,” Pan Goatee doffed his mink fur hat, “part of my ongoing fight to make the world a more beautiful and aesthetically pleasing place. So that one day all of God’s children will be able to sing with perfect sincerity the lyrics of that beautiful Louis Armstrong song What A Wonderful World.”

Pan Goatee then exited out the waiting room door and went out into the wider world beyond.

“Who was that man with hairy goat’s legs?” The poor snook asked in amazement.

“I believe that was Pan Goatee a U.S. government contract assassin and well-known serial killer of ugly looking women,” the somewhat relieved and quite grateful for her attractive looks waiting room nurse stated, “I saw him on the Jimmy Kimmel Show last year.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 10th 2016.

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Donald Trump Meets Pan Goatee

March 9, 2016 at 8:20 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Donald Trump Meets Pan Goatee

“What’s an ugly looking woman doing in my dressing room?” Donald Trump screamed prior to doing a TV interview, “I didn’t ask for an ugly looking woman in my dressing room. If it was a beautiful looking woman, I wouldn’t have a problem. Beautiful is good. But what the Hell is an ugly looking woman doing in my dressing room? I shouldn’t have to face someone who looks like Hillary until the campaign after Labour Day.”

Pan Goatee astral projects from the back rooms of The Dionysus Tavern where he had been sampling some of the god Dionysus’ wine.

“Sounds like I heard the call of a red spider monkey fur toupee in distress,” Pan Goatee shouted.

Then he turned and saw what it was that Donald Trump saw, “Egad! Is this a blemish on humanity I see before me? Come! Let me cut thy head off. God. That was easy. I’m glad I didn’t have the same problems that MacBeth did in his nocturnal visions of daggers when he was contemplating bumping off Duncan. Duncan probably wasn’t ugly and that’s why those weapons of the night created such existential angst for MacBeth as a result.”

Trump opened the dressing room door and screamed, “This ugly looking creature is now bleeding out of more places than Megyn Kelly. Would someone get the janitor or cleaning woman… and preferably a good looking one at that to come in and clean this place up.”

Pan Goatee kicked the head with the accompanying ugly face far down the hall.

“At least that’s now out of your hair,” Pan Goatee said.

Trump turned to the full length mirror he had requested for his dressing room and used a banana shaped comb to comb his hair.

“Thanks for your help,” Trump turned to thank the satyr serial killer for his assistance but Pan Goatee had already astral projected to a movie theatre to watch the new movie Gods of Egypt.

“Who was that goat-legged man?” Trump’s question echoed through the dressing room.

In the distance could be heard an echo saying, “Heigh-Ho machete away.”

While the William Tell Overture played in the background.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 9th

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Pan Goatee To The Rescue

February 3, 2016 at 8:22 pm (Fantasy, Film, Short Story, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee To The Rescue

It was a depressing day.

Not only was it raining in Vancouver but there seemed to be quite a number of ugly physically unattractive women walking the streets today only adding to one’s sense of melancholy.

“Oh if only Pan Goatee were real,” the depressed writer remarked to himself as his efforts to recover from a nasty bout of the flu seemed to be going down the drain along with the contents of his stomach at seeing such abominations of desolation scarring the visual landscape.

“Pan Goatee to the rescue,” his creation the genetically created satyr half-man half-goat serial killer suddenly appeared in person and heroically raising his astral laser beam machete proceeded to cut off the heads of the offending facially aesthetically challenged creatures.

Woody Allen suddenly appeared on the street corner looking the exact same way he did when he had just met Marshall McLuhan in the lobby of the movie theatre in the film Annie Hall.

Woody Allen looked at the camera and said, “Don’t you wish this happened in real life?”.

-A short story written by Christopher
Wednesday February 3rd 2016.

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Friday The 13th Massacre Pan Goatee Style

November 13, 2015 at 8:19 pm (Commentary, Culture, Horror, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Friday The 13th Massacre Pan Goatee Style

It was Friday the 13th.

A festive holiday for serial killers everywhere.

In honour of that serial killer with the hockey mask and big knife who’s always penalized for slashing- Jason.

Friday the 13th was to serial killers what Christmas, Hanukkah and Diwali were to other people.

Serial killer Pan Goatee, who now worked as a contract hired assassin for the U.S. government and therefore just did serial killing as a hobby, grabbed his laser light beam machete.

When Pan Goatee decided that he was far more intelligent than your average run of the mill serial killers a year and a half ago, he noticed that many serial killers predominantly killed beautiful women as their victims.

This was strange, Pan Goatee thought to himself on an evening of profound philosophical reflection.

God only knows, Pan contemplated, there were too few beautiful women and too many ugly women in the world already.

Particularly in those so-called advanced western countries where The Oprah Show enjoyed immense popularity after that no-good interfering busybody spent decades telling women that they were good just the way they were.

This piece of sophist reasoning had led to an explosion of female ugliness unprecedented in human history.

If the angelic sons of God had come down to earth today and had seen the daughters of men like they did in Genesis Chapter 6 (where it was written back then, “That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose” thus leading to the procreation of Nephilim- giants), it would surely be written today, “That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were ugly; they regurgitated en masse and hurriedly left the planet never to return”.

There would be no giants in the earth these days.

Thus Pan Goatee had a moment of intellectual epiphany and he would do what no serial killer had done before.

He would only bump off ugly women.

And in so doing, make the world a more beautiful place to live.

Surely those great practitioners of aesthetics and lovers of beauty like Nietzsche, Oscar Wilde and the Greek god Apollo would most wholeheartedly approve.

And so Pan Goatee headed out that morning of Friday November 13th on his own personal urban beautification improvement project.

As he walked down a back alley, he noticed a woman walking her dog straight ahead.

Some strange looking man came walking down the alley and frightened the dog.

The dog started barking and the woman turned and pulled the dog away from the maniacal looking man.

At the moment she turned around, Pan Goatee noticed how repulsively ugly she was.

“Egad,” Pan Goatee emptied his breakfast on the side of the lane, “Some dog is out taking her dog for a walk.”

As the maniac man passed him by looking thoroughly crazed and insane, Pan Goatee walked up to the ugly looking woman and beheaded her.

“This wouldn’t have happened if you had had the courtesy to wear a paper bag over your head when you went out today,” Pan Goatee remarked as he beheaded her.

The four-legged dog barked and snarled.

Pan Goatee beheaded him as well.

“We must put an end to noise pollution in the city,” Pan Goatee commented as he permanently silenced the yippy creature’s excessive barking.

Pan Goatee looked back down the alley at the maniacal looking man who seemed to be walking around in circles as he walked.

“Hm,” Pan Goatee thought to himself, “We can’t have such deranged looking maniacs wandering the streets either. They’re a threat to civilization.”

Pan Goatee walked up to the maniacal deranged looking man and beheaded him.

“We must stop insanity in its tracks while we still have the time,” was Pan Goatee’s verbal homespun bit of philosophy as he sent the man to Hades’ Home For The Chronically Insane.

He then kicked the maniac’s severed head down the alley where it went a fair distance.

Hm, he really should try out to play for Manchester United or maybe a position as a field goal kicker for an NFL team.

That afternoon he beheaded an ugly female cyclist who not only visually assaulted the city with her looks but was also using her bike on the sidewalks instead of the streets as well.

He then beheaded a couple of ugly looking women pedestrians who got too close to him on the sidewalk as he walked along.

After a successful day of beheadings, he went home and read some Nietzsche and Oscar Wilde before going to bed.

Jason would have been proud.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 13th

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Pan Goatee In Athens

July 3, 2015 at 5:32 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee In Athens

Genetically created half-man half goat satyr serial killer and contract assassin Pan Goatee was walking the streets of Athens, Greece.

Pan was seeing what chaos he could create in this already chaotic situation that was unfolding in Greece.

What inspired him to come here was a dream he had the night before where he was standing outside the walls of ancient Troy and he saw Paris (the lover of Helen of Troy) standing beneath the Trojan Horse and looking up and shouting, “Hey Ulysses, I really think it’s time you come down off your high horse.”

As Ulysses did so, he forgot to use the ladder and took the quick way down instead.

An action which resulted in his death.

To say nothing of his brains being bashed out and splattered all over the ground.

The goddess Athena appeared and wept.

Ulysses had been one of her favourite mortals.

For as a member of the female sex, it had been her experience that thinking was an action that most males were totally unfamiliar with.

And the fact that Ulysses had made much use of his cerebral processes had sent her the goddess of wisdom into many an orgasm.

As Athena kneeled there weeping over the death of Ulysses and bewailing her loss of orgasms in the foreseeable future, Pan Goatee googled on his Samsung Galaxy smart phone recipes for cooking brain stew.

That’s when he woke up.

He astral projected himself to Athens to see what chaos he could wreak.

He shapeshifted into the appearance of German Chancellor Angela Merkel and stood there sticking his tongue out and making fun of Greek citizens queing in a long line up at one bank ATM machine.

He then went to another ATM machine at another bank around the corner where there was another long que of Greek citizens anxious to get money.

This time he shapeshifted into the appearance of Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras and stuck his tongue out and made fun of those standing there.

Back in his air conditioned hotel room over an ice cold cocktail, Pan Goatee enjoyed a good laugh over the Angela/Alexis impersonations he had performed at numerous long bank ques throughout Athens.

It should make for an interesting result in next Sunday’s referendum, Pan Goatee thought to himself.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 2nd

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Peter Whitstable In Voorschoten

July 28, 2014 at 3:54 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, Mystery/horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Peter Whitstable In Voorschoten

Peter Whitstable the man they called “the Fox Mulder of Interpol” was in the Dutch town of Voorschoten near The Hague outside the apartment building where Maria Putina (daughter of Russian President Vladimir Putin) was said to have lived in the top penthouse with her Dutch boyfriend Jorrit Faassen up until a few days ago.

There were rumours she had now fled the country in the wake of anti-Russian feeling over the shooting down of Malaysian Airlines Flight MH17 on which 193 Dutch citizens had died.

But just on the off chance she was still in the apartment, Peter Whitstable waited outside with a small strange machine in his hands.

Peter Whitstable with his interest in the paranormal and all things supernatural had uncovered the design for the machine in a rare Medieval Latin manuscript written by the 13th Century English Franciscan monk, philosopher and scientist Roger Bacon.

The machine was said to prevent attacks by beings who were using astral projection to commit attacks.

Although Whitstable did not know how to build the machine using Bacon’s design and instructions, he knew of a man who did.

The man was Dr. Cadbury Rocher the chief research scientist at Set Enterprises Laboratories in London.

Paying Dr. Rocher a small fee, the scientist designed the machine for Whitstable.

Whitstable in the past year had come across the existence of an entity that was using astral projection to carry out killings and assassinations.

The entity was a genetically created half-man half-goat hybrid satyr Pan Goatee.

Pan Goatee had enjoyed a brief stint as a pan pipes player for the rock group Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers.

He now worked as a hired assassin for both the U.S. government and anyone who could afford to hire him.

Pan Goatee carried out his killings using astral projection.

So in order to prevent some of the killings if Whitstable managed to uncover who was next on the Pan Goatee hit list, he used the Roger Bacon machine to set up an astral wall around the target to prevent Pan Goatee’s entry.

Ironically at the time Whitstable had hired Dr. Cadbury Rocher to build the Roger Bacon Astral Fortress Machine for him, he had no idea that it was Dr. Rocher who had actually created the genetic hybrid half-man half-goat satyr Pan Goatee.

Through a series of mishaps, the creature had become lost to Set Enterprises and Pan Goatee had wandered across England on his own as a serial killer prior to joining the music group Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers.

Now Whitstable had discovered through intercepted emails that Pan Goatee had been hired by powerful interests in the U.S. to bump off Maria Putina as a warning to her father Vladimir to stop rocking the boat of the New World Order.

Unbeknownst to Whitstable and the powerful U.S. interests, the British being a more pragmatic people had hired someone else (Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises) to bump off Putin himself.

There was a chance of course that Maria Putina was not in the apartment but Whitstable thought better safe than sorry as he stood outside.

He put on the pair of goggles that had been specially invented by Nikola Tesla to spot beings and entities flying in their astral bodies.

Whitstable had recognized and spotted the goggles in a second-hand store in Brooklyn.

He purchased them from the unknowing store owner for $10.

DARPA was continuing to desperately search for them and offering hundreds of millions of dollars to anyone as finder’s fee for providing the secretive U.S. government research agency with the goggles.

Sure enough within a matter of minutes, Whitstable spotted Pan Goatee’s astral body and astral machete flying towards the penthouse at the top of the apartment building.

Whitstable pushed a few buttons on the Roger Bacon Astral Fortress Machine.

An astral wall emerged around the penthouse.

Pan Goatee who of course wasn’t wearing Tesla goggles did not spot the wall.

He flew directly into it and fell with a thud to the ground.

“I hate it when that happens,” said the half-man half-goat satyr with hairy legs up in the air as he lay on the ground as someone walked by.

“I really should give up drinking,” hiccoughed the unemployed former maker of Dutch wooden shoes whose business had gone up in smoke when it fell prey to a bad case of termites.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 27th

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