Pan Goatee To Be Nominated For U. S. Medal of Honour

December 21, 2017 at 10:11 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee To Be Nominated For U.S. Medal of Honour

U.S. President Donald Trump was looking at the work that DARPA hired assassin Pan Goatee had done for that agency.

President Trump said to his aide, “I’m going to nominate Pan Goatee to receive the U.S. Medal of Honour.”

“But sir, Mr. Goatee isn’t officially a member of any of the Armed Services of the United States which is a qualification necessary to receive the award,” said the aide.

“So,” Trump shrugged, “I’ll sign a proclamation making him a member of the U.S. Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines. That way all our branches will be honoured when he gets the award.”

“But it would be a controversial decision,” said his aide, “because as a hobby, Pan Goatee is a serial killer who specializes in killing ugly women.”

“Killing ugly women?” Trump looked at his aide, “Well, then he definitely deserves the U.S. Medal of Honour. I’m going to sign his nomination papers now.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 21st
2017.

Advertisements

Permalink Leave a Comment

Pan Goatee’s Horribly Bad Day

June 5, 2017 at 4:14 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was having a horribly bad day.

In fact the first few days of June had been horribly bad days.

What was it about the first few days of the month that always brought the ugly women out into the streets?

Pay day perhaps? A little voice whispered to him.

What? Do they get paid for being ugly? Pan Goatee answered the little voice, No wonder Western civilization is going down hill.

He actually had to find an astral laser machete carver to polish his astral laser machete because he had put it in so much use the past few days lopping off all the heads of the ugly looking women who dared to cross his path.

Do you know how hard it is to find an astral laser machete carver? he asked a homeless person he saw on the streets.

“Pretty hard, I imagine,” the homeless person answered.

“It is, indeed,” Pan Goatee boarded the commuter train.

The train was once again taking longer than usual at one particular stop.

“What is it with the asshole who drives this train?” Pan Goatee asked angrily, “why does he always take longer at this one particular stop? What does he do here anyways? Is this his favourite stop for stopping and masturbating or something?”.

In fact, the asshole who was driving the train was taking so long at this one particular stop that a fat ugly woman boarded the train at the far end and waddled her way down to a couple of seats from him.

“Oh Zeus, I can’t believe it,” Pan Goatee shouted, “you fat ugly bitch, stay where you are when you board the train. Don’t waddle your way down to my end. You’ve thoroughly ruined my day by having your fatness and your ugliness in my immediate presence.”

Pan Goatee took out his freshly carved and polished laser machete and cut off the fat ugly bitch’s head.

“Hey mac, that’s no way to treat a lady,” one irate construction worker shouted at him.

“For your information, ye of little IQ,” Pan Goatee approached the man, “that was no lady. She was a fat ugly blimp blotting out the sun and ruining the landscape.”

A moment later and the construction worker’s head was lopped off.

“You need glasses,” commented Pan Goatee, “as well as a new head on your shoulders.”

Pan Goatee then got off the train on to the platform and walked down to the front where the driver was located.

“I want to see what this asshole is doing,” said Pan.

Pan walked into the driver’s cubicle and sure enough the guy was sitting there masturbating.

“You disgusting filthy little pervert,” Pan admonished.”How can you possibly sit there and masturbate in a city which seems to be filled with ugly looking women? There’s absolutely no excuse for your lewd filthy behaviour.”

And with that, Pan Goatee lopped off the train driver’s head.

He then went to the library and sat at a public computer when an ugly looking woman sat next to him.

He immediately beheaded her with his astral laser machete.

“And to think,” Pan Goatee commented as he exited the library, “that my municipal taxes go towards paying for places like this.”

U.S. President Donald Trump watched the video that had been shown him of Pan Goatee’s killing spree today.

“Why,” his National Security adviser asked him, “Don’t you send Pan Goatee after Islamic State fighters?”.

Trump motioned for his National Security adviser to leave the room.

Hm, Trump reflected, Pan Goatee had been doing such an excellent job of killing ugly looking women. It seemed a pity to send the satyr serial killer after Islamic State fighters.

And so President Donald Trump wrestled with the question, who was the greater threat to the world? Ugly women? Or Islamic State militants?

He was up the entire night in the Oval Office wrestling with that question.

And by the next morning, he still didn’t have an answer.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 5th
2017.

Permalink 4 Comments

Pan Goatee Celebrates International Women’s Day

March 8, 2017 at 7:27 pm (Commentary, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (who escaped from a Set Enterprises truck in northern England back in 2013) was celebrating International Women’s Day by cutting off the heads of ugly looking women as he rode the New York City subway.

“Get out of the way, you ugly looking thing,” Pan Goatee quickly used his astral laser machete to cut off the creature’s head as she got in his way.

“Hey, mac, that’s sexist,” some guy shouted at Pan Goatee, “don’t you know it’s International Women’s Day?”.

“Go join them then,” Pan Goatee cut off the man’s testicles with his astral laser machete.

He exited the train and continued to lop off the head of any ugly looking woman who got in his way.

“Who’s that?” the Greek god Zeus asked his daughter Artemis (who had been known as Diana among the Ancient Romans).

“He kind of looks like Pan the god of the wild who sadly died under mysterious circumstances a couple of millenia ago,” Artemis answered.

“He does,” Zeus agreed.

“Who is this guy?” U.S. President Donald Trump asked one of his aides as he watched the beheading video on Instagram.

“He works for us, Mr. President,” his aide replied, “He’s a contract assassin for our government. He does serial killing of ugly women in his spare time as a hobby.”

“That’s good to hear,” President Trump applied some Brylcreem to his hair, “that’s very good to hear.”

“Who does he work for?” Russian President Vladimir Putin asked one of his aides as he viewed the beheading on YouTube.

“Sadly, not for us,” his aide replied.

“How do we get him to work for us?” Putin asked.

“We could tell him how Russia is a country full of beautiful women as opposed to the ugly stoats and gargoyles who seem to predominate among North American womanhood these days,” his aide replied, “so he could spend more time screwing our women instead of beheading North American women. Make love not war as the anti-Vietnam War protesters of the 1960s used to say.”

“I like that idea,” Vladimir took his shirt off and started lifting some weights in his office.

“Who does he work for?” North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un asked one of his aides as he handed him a facecloth which the aide declined for some reason.

“Sadly for the imperialist American running dogs,” his aide replied.

“How do we get him to work for us?” Kim Jong-un text messaged his friend Dennis Rodman.

“We could tell him how North Korea is a country full of beautiful women as opposed to the ugly camels and cows who seem to predominate among North American womanhood these days,” his aide replied.

“An excellent idea,” Kim Jong-un clicked the Like button on the Facebook page set up for the assassination of his half-brother Kim Jong-nam.

“Great Zeus, Hecate has been beheaded,” Apollo shouted from Times Square as the Greek goddess of witchcraft in crone form had attracted the wrath of Pan Goatee.

“What manner of half-man half-goat is this that even deity dies at his hands?” Zeus asked as he stood in front of the Coca-Cola neon sign.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 8th
2017.

null

Artemis the Goddess of the Hunt, unlike Hecate the goddess of witchcraft, was spared the wrath of Pan Goatee.

Permalink 2 Comments

Pan Goatee’s Raspberry To Calgary White Women

December 8, 2016 at 6:34 pm (Poetry) (, , , , , )

O Calgary white women, thou art ugly
Dogs should do to you what they do to a tree
why do Neo-Nazis think they’re the superior race?
Between their ears must lie quite the empty space.

Anybody whose women are so ugly
Master race they cannot be.
Meghan Trainor sang Mama told me, don’t worry about your size
These fat ugly slobs don’t as they down Big Mac, Coke and fries

Jack Morrow noted Edmonton archivist and historian said of Alberta this province
if it weren’t for black and Asian women, we’d have no real women here- makes sense
fat ugly white slobs who blot out the sun as they waddle down the street
who would surely if they stepped on- crush an elephant’s feet
in terms of competing with Goodyear blimp for size and girth
they’d win hands down- all bets off for what it’s worth

These fat ugly slobs told by Oprah- be proud of the way they look
but their appearance would drive Hannibal Lector to cease being a cook
Black women and Asian women wisely reject Oprah’s advice
an ugly appearance is similar to having head lice.

-A poem written by Pan Goatee
after a recent visit to Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Thursday December 8th 2016

Permalink 3 Comments

Pan Goatee To The Rescue Again

August 13, 2016 at 12:44 pm (Humour, Mystery/horror, Mythology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee whose profession was U.S. government contract assassin and whose hobby was serial killing (he specialized in killing ugly looking women to make the world a more beautiful place to live) happened to wander by the blood analysis laboratory on the third floor of a hospital.

As he gazed into the waiting room, he happened to notice an enormously chubby and fat repulsive ugly looking woman trying to brush her elephantesque legs against some poor snook who clearly did not enjoy the physical contact with such a fat repulsive ugly looking creature.

The poor snook went over to the water fountain to try to escape the fat ugly thing’s advances and the fat repulsive ugly creature (who was wearing an I’m For Hillary campaign button- no surprise to Pan Goatee!) followed him over there.

Pan Goatee positively boiled over with Nietzschean (Oscar) Wildean Apollonian (Apollo the Greek god of beauty) aesthetic rage at the sight.

Ugly women clearly have no regard for other people’s feelings, Pan Goatee thought to himself (if they did, they’d sequester themselves in a dark cave somewhere where no one would have to look at them).

Quickly Pan Goatee entered the lab analysis waiting room, pulled out his machette and lopped off the fat ugly repulsive creature’s fat ugly head.

He then picked up the head and as careful as Perseus was in handling Medusa’s head, he entered one of the waiting room washrooms and flushed the fat ugly head down the toilet. When the toilet started overflowing, Pan Goatee closed the washroom door and grabbed an OUT OF ORDER sign and put it on the washroom door.

“How can I ever thank you?” The poor snook was forever grateful to Pan Goatee.

“All in a day’s work, my boy,” Pan Goatee doffed his mink fur hat, “part of my ongoing fight to make the world a more beautiful and aesthetically pleasing place. So that one day all of God’s children will be able to sing with perfect sincerity the lyrics of that beautiful Louis Armstrong song What A Wonderful World.”

Pan Goatee then exited out the waiting room door and went out into the wider world beyond.

“Who was that man with hairy goat’s legs?” The poor snook asked in amazement.

“I believe that was Pan Goatee a U.S. government contract assassin and well-known serial killer of ugly looking women,” the somewhat relieved and quite grateful for her attractive looks waiting room nurse stated, “I saw him on the Jimmy Kimmel Show last year.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 10th 2016.

Permalink 7 Comments

The Puppy Monkey Baby: Licensed To Thrill Or To Kill?

March 18, 2016 at 10:05 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Science, Science-Fiction, Television, The Supernatural, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Puppy Monkey Baby: Licensed To Thrill Or To Kill?

Russian Assistant Deputy Foreign Minister Nikolai Sonavitch was in London, England for a secret conference to see if the conflicts in Ukraine and Syria could be solved simultaneously.

The meeting was very hush hush and top secret.

Not even Barack Obama or even Alex Jones knew about it.

The chairman for the meeting would be a British parliamentarian named Magog Rhys Petley.

Nikolai was in his hotel room at the Saint James Hotel and had not been called to the meeting yet because apparently Petley was busy scouring the streets of London trying to find a carton of buttermilk.

Meanwhile reports on the radio said that a werewolf was seen walking the streets of London.

Nikolai turned off the radio and put on the television.

The TV was showing the Mountain Dew Kickstart commercial with Puppy Monkey Baby:

“How did the capitalist warmongers at Mountain Dew find out about Dr. Nicht Werhoffen’s secret Puppy Monkey Baby creation in his top secret Moscow lab?” The lifelong Bolshevik Sonavitch wanted to know.

Dr. Nicht Werhoffen was the Russian FSB’s leading mad scientist.

Dr. Werhoffen was formerly a mad scientist for the Stasi (the East German Secret Police) but had to seek employment elsewhere when the Berlin Wall came down.

The commercial it turned out (as Nikolai Sonavitch started to feel thirsty) was part of a documentary the BBC was doing on the Puppy Monkey Baby phenomenon.

As Sonavitch phoned down to the front desk and asked them to send up 3 cans of Mountain Dew Kickstart, the BBC was interviewing Set Enterprises’ chief corporate mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

Said Rocher, “The Puppy Monkey Baby is so yesterday. I created one back in 2001. Unfortunately it was applying for a job on the upper floors of one of the World Trade Center towers the morning of September 11th 2001. Set Enterprises’ corporate lawyers still aren’t sure whether to sue the Estate of Osama Bin Laden, the trio of George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld or the Illuminati over that loss.”

Shit, the British beat us in creating a Puppy Monkey Baby, Sonavitch thought to himself as the hotel porter brought in the 3 cans of Mountain Dew Kickstart.

Sonavitch opened the first can and started drinking.

That old movie from 1942 The Cat People with Simone Simon was on one of the other channels so he started watching.

He was soon on his 3rd can of Mountain Dew Kickstart.

On the screen, the old Black and White movie suddenly turned into a coloured film and a beautiful leather skirted Asian dominatrix woman who called herself Sherrielock Holmes was standing there in the midst of a bunch of fiery red coloured cats.

“That’s funny, I don’t remember this scene,” Nikolai Sonavitch commented.

The hotel room door suddenly opened and a Puppy Monkey Baby entered the room.

“Puppy Monkey Baby,” the Puppy Monkey Baby kept repeating over and over.

The Puppy Monkey Baby jumped up on the coffee table in front of Sonavitch and did a little dance.

He then jumped on to Sonavitch’s lap and proceeded to lick him on the face all the while saying Puppy Monkey Baby.

He then kissed Sonavitch on the lips and then pulled a carving knife out of his diaper and slashed the assistant deputy foreign minister of Russia to death.

The Puppy Monkey Baby then shapeshifted into his natural form of satyr serial killer and hired contract assassin Pan Goatee.

Said Goatee, “That was fun. I always thought it would be cool to play the part of Judas Iscariot but be quick about it.”

He picked up the remaining can of Mountain Dew Kickstart and finished it saying, “There’s no need to let this new Holy Trinity or 3-in-1 to go to waste.”

He downed the Kickstart, belched and put the can back on the table.

“I’ll let the cleaning staff pocket the return deposit money for this,” Pan Goatee couldn’t help but grin at his own personal generosity.

He turned back into a Puppy Monkey Baby again, “My audience- the hotel security cameras- awaits.”

He went out the door and into the hall saying over and over again, “Puppy Monkey Baby… Puppy Monkey Baby… Puppy Monkey Baby… ”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 18th
2016.

Permalink 8 Comments

Donald Trump Meets Pan Goatee

March 9, 2016 at 8:20 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Donald Trump Meets Pan Goatee

“What’s an ugly looking woman doing in my dressing room?” Donald Trump screamed prior to doing a TV interview, “I didn’t ask for an ugly looking woman in my dressing room. If it was a beautiful looking woman, I wouldn’t have a problem. Beautiful is good. But what the Hell is an ugly looking woman doing in my dressing room? I shouldn’t have to face someone who looks like Hillary until the campaign after Labour Day.”

Pan Goatee astral projects from the back rooms of The Dionysus Tavern where he had been sampling some of the god Dionysus’ wine.

“Sounds like I heard the call of a red spider monkey fur toupee in distress,” Pan Goatee shouted.

Then he turned and saw what it was that Donald Trump saw, “Egad! Is this a blemish on humanity I see before me? Come! Let me cut thy head off. God. That was easy. I’m glad I didn’t have the same problems that MacBeth did in his nocturnal visions of daggers when he was contemplating bumping off Duncan. Duncan probably wasn’t ugly and that’s why those weapons of the night created such existential angst for MacBeth as a result.”

Trump opened the dressing room door and screamed, “This ugly looking creature is now bleeding out of more places than Megyn Kelly. Would someone get the janitor or cleaning woman… and preferably a good looking one at that to come in and clean this place up.”

Pan Goatee kicked the head with the accompanying ugly face far down the hall.

“At least that’s now out of your hair,” Pan Goatee said.

Trump turned to the full length mirror he had requested for his dressing room and used a banana shaped comb to comb his hair.

“Thanks for your help,” Trump turned to thank the satyr serial killer for his assistance but Pan Goatee had already astral projected to a movie theatre to watch the new movie Gods of Egypt.

“Who was that goat-legged man?” Trump’s question echoed through the dressing room.

In the distance could be heard an echo saying, “Heigh-Ho machete away.”

While the William Tell Overture played in the background.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 9th
2016.

Permalink 18 Comments

Pan Goatee Meets Zeus

March 7, 2016 at 8:44 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Mythology, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee Meets Zeus

Pan Goatee was walking down the street enjoying a spring like day when suddenly a facially aesthetically challenged woman breezed by him.

“Ugly looking thing,” Pan Goatee said to himself, “The 24-hour laundromat will still be open when this loser with no social life gets there.”

Pan Goatee removed his machete from his belt and hoofing along on his hooved feet he quickly caught up with the ugly looking creature and beheaded her.

A gentleman with silver curly hair and silver beard applauded him.

“Thanks for the standing ovation,” Pan Goatee bowed, “and may I add, you look very familiar?”.

“You’ve probably seen my picture in the encyclopedia and on TV shows on those rare nights when they actually show interesting programs on The History Channel,” the bearded man replied, “I’m the Greek god Zeus also known as Jove to some and also known as Jupiter to the Romans.”

“That’s where I’ve seen you,” Pan grinned.

“And you look like the god Pan the god of the fields, groves and wooded glens whose death is recorded in Plutarch,” Zeus answered.

“How did he die?” Pan Goatee asked.

“It was drinking some wine that killed him,” Zeus noted sadly.

“It must have been bad wine,” Pan Goatee decided not to enter the wine store he had been headed to.

“Surprisingly it was good wine,” Zeus replied, “the best wine he had tasted in his life were the last words he spoke before croaking.”

“Interesting,” Pan Goatee was enjoying the first handed historical account.

“It happened at a wedding in Cana of Galilee back in the reign of the Emperor Tiberius,” Zeus recalled.

“I must make a note not to attend any weddings,” Pan Goatee made a notation in his iPhone reminders.

“I really appreciate the way you’ve been killing off ugly women,” Zeus complimented the satyr, “these days it’s so hard for me to find a beautiful mortal woman to sleep with and beget some more demi-gods. For supposed progress in evolution like the Darwinists and Marxists assure us is happening, humanity has certainly gone down hill in terms of feminine beauty particularly in English-speaking North America where the application of sharia law and women wearing veils should really be applied.”

“And to think that idiot Donald Trump wants to deport the Mexicans,” Pan said in disgust.

“What fools these mortals be,” Zeus invited him to come with him to visit his son Dionysus’ bar where wine non-lethal to satyrs was being served.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 7th
2016.

Permalink 20 Comments

Pan Goatee’s Ongoing Efforts To Make The World A More Beautiful Place To Live

March 2, 2016 at 8:38 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Ongoing Efforts To Make The World A More Beautiful
Place To Live

“Jesus fucking H. Christ, that woman’s repulsively ugly,” serial killer and U.S. government contract assassin Pan Goatee thought to himself when he noticed the walking outhouse droppings ugly woman cyclist standing at the corner holding on to her bicycle (what incredibly bad deeds had this ill-fated bicycle done in a past incarnation that assigned him such an incredibly Hellish fate of karma in this lifetime?).

One thing that Pan Goatee had noted in his existence since he was genetically created in a lab as a reborn satyr from Greek mythology 3 years ago was that most women cyclists were quite repulsively ugly.

He didn’t know why (the more Sherlock Holmesian inclined genetic creation Renfield R. Renfield would have deduced that it was probably because beautiful women got driven to and fro in luxury automobiles owned by guys while of course the ugly women didn’t).

As such brainless big city mayors shouldn’t be shutting down lanes of streets, roads and highways to allow for more bicycle lanes and paths.

This only encouraged the ugly of the world to leave their rooms and closets and dark holes (where they belonged!) and go out and about in the external world (ruining everyone’s day when they were confronted with the sight of such disgraceful aesthetic abominations of nature gone horribly and terribly wrong).

As the ugly cyclist walked by, Pan Goatee lopped off her ugly head with a machete.

“You stupid ugly looking piece of shit,” Pan Goatee shouted, “I’m going to make an example of you..”

He then used the machete to chop her entire body up into thinly sliced pieces of flesh and bone on the street.

A Japanese tourist filmed the whole thing with his smart phone and posted it on line.

The video went viral.

“I like this guy,” Renfield R. Renfield commented as he ate some popcorn and got a blow job from an admittedly beautiful woman.

“I like this guy,” former U.S. President Bill Clinton said as he watched the video on a desktop computer.

“Bill, what are you doing?” Hillary screamed as she entered the office, “and what is that young female campaign intern doing between your legs?”.

“I have no idea, dear,” Bill gulped, “I didn’t even know she was down there. I swear. I did not have…”

“I like this guy,” the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl said as he watched the popular YouTube video while eating a bucket of human hearts and a bucket of KFC at the same time.

As he licked his fingers and wondered where his wet wipe finger tissues got to, he contemplated the idea of a Trump Presidency and wondered whether a wall built along the Mexico-U.S. border would block easy access to the Aztec gold that America Unearthed History Channel TV host Scott Wolter claimed was secretly buried somewhere in the American state of Utah.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 2nd
2016.

Permalink 14 Comments

Pan Goatee To The Rescue

February 3, 2016 at 8:22 pm (Fantasy, Film, Short Story, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee To The Rescue

It was a depressing day.

Not only was it raining in Vancouver but there seemed to be quite a number of ugly physically unattractive women walking the streets today only adding to one’s sense of melancholy.

“Oh if only Pan Goatee were real,” the depressed writer remarked to himself as his efforts to recover from a nasty bout of the flu seemed to be going down the drain along with the contents of his stomach at seeing such abominations of desolation scarring the visual landscape.

“Pan Goatee to the rescue,” his creation the genetically created satyr half-man half-goat serial killer suddenly appeared in person and heroically raising his astral laser beam machete proceeded to cut off the heads of the offending facially aesthetically challenged creatures.

Woody Allen suddenly appeared on the street corner looking the exact same way he did when he had just met Marshall McLuhan in the lobby of the movie theatre in the film Annie Hall.

Woody Allen looked at the camera and said, “Don’t you wish this happened in real life?”.

-A short story written by Christopher
Wednesday February 3rd 2016.

Permalink 22 Comments

Next page »