Wilkie The Cat Plays Abraham Lincoln On Broadway: A Poem

February 18, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Arts, Celebrities, Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, Poetry, Satire, theatre, Theatre Arts) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Wilkie the feline thespian decided to celebrate Presidents’ Day 2019
By not drinking his own urine as proposed in AOC’s deal New Green
Rather he would play the role of Abraham Lincoln
and he did so after much heavy drinkin’.

Now Wilkie the Cat fancied himself the Orson Welles of Broadway
even though he was a bigger flop than a halibut caught in a codway
His proposal for a Presidents’ Day play
which drove theatregoers away
Was to play the role of Abraham Lincoln
with his catty whiskers, he’d be winkin’ and blinkin’
And his girlfriend would play Mary Todd
while the audience would play the part of Nod
which in their seats would be what they’d be doin’
As great theatre lovers underwent a serious screwin’

With encouragement from the ghost of that junior Ed Wood
Wilkie would put on the best show he could
which meant that turkey from outer space Plan 9
would when compared with Wilkie’s Lincoln look like Casablanca sublime

Wilkie fancied a play within a play like weeping over Hecuba within Hamlet
or Pyramus and Thisbe looking for rooms to let
all for the benefit of Midsummer’s wet dream
As Puck causes mortal aspirations to come apart at the seam

Wilkie’s idea was to have John Wilkes Booth as an actor on stage
appearing in Our American Cousin an 1865 theatrical rage
and have Booth shoot Lincoln from the stage rather than the Presidential Box
And allow John Wilkes Booth time to wipe the blood off his socks

Needless to say the idea sounded so much better over 10 bottles of gin
as Wilkie regaled the cast with his own peculiar historical spin
taking dramatic license to the seeming level of a mortal sin
Which it was pre-Vatican II
As Fishy Fridays
gave way to beef stew.

Sean Connery would play Our American Cousin
His line, “Miss Moneypenny, my head is abuzzin’
I have swiped the Army’s budget for the building of a wall
Because doing so I must admit makes me feel rather tall
As wearing this wee tartan kilt has me in its thrall
And the blasted neighbours won’t pay for this fine looking wall
Can you imagine their sheer arrogance and gall
And Congress won’t let me shut down government until way next fall
so I’m forced to declare an emergency even though there’s none at all.”

And Johnny Depp playing the fairy godmother of walls would appear in pink tights
giving LGBTQ members of the audience severe nocturnal frights
As Depp waves his magic wand, lo and behold
From one of his mix matched socks, a gun he does unfold
For the fairy godmother of walls is John Wilkes Booth
his night day job of exchanging nickels for a tooth
the Shakespearian actor did kindly forsooth

But Wilkie as Lincoln was eating a tuna fish sandwich
And Baphomet in the next booth was eating roast ostrich
And as William Shatner appeared as Captain James Kirk
It turned out both patrons’ food allergies were at work
With the force of a mid-Atlantic gale breeze
Wilkie and Baphomet let out a ferocious sneeze
And the wall came a tumblin’ down
right on the Statue of Liberty’s crown.

The play is over
The day is done
And Wilkie from his creditors
is now on the run.

-A Wilkie The Cat poem
written by Christopher
Monday February 18th
2019.


Theatre goers smiling because they haven’t yet seen Wilkie The Cat’s Broadway play about Abraham Lincoln.

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Wilkie The Cat As James Bond: A Poem

March 4, 2017 at 4:51 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Film, Humour, Literature, Plays, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

Wilkie the Cat was assigned to play James Bond
even though his fur was far too blonde
so Wilkie made the transition from stage to film
His Bondish image stamped on mugs fresh from the kiln
But all that pottery went to pot
those martinis hit too much the spot

Wilkie showed up in front of the cameras thoroughly sloshed
and made a mess of those upper class British parties quite posh
Those aristocratic estates will never be the same
as asses go, Wilkie was a first-rate pain

Mitzi was assigned to play the Bond girl
she thought she’d give the role a whirl
her acting was great
her sex appeal first rate
but Wilkie was loaded to the gills in every scene
and among the cast, only Sean Connery was serene
he was assigned a role considered cameo
and ended up fair Juliet’s Romeo
in the Shakespeare scene
among England’s hills so green

Wilkie the Cat was given the axe
thrown out on his ass along with his snacks
Mitzi left the studios in shame
she’d not enjoy Bond girls’ fame

Daniel Craig was called back to play the role
and Connery listened to music- a little soul
Said Sean to Dan who was quite his fan,
“I think we can safely say in the case of Wilkie the Cat,
Never again! will be the slogan on any future Bond director’s mat.”

-A Wilkie The Cat poem
written by Christopher
Sunday March 4th
2017

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Jack O’ Hare On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

November 10, 2011 at 10:03 pm (Poetry) (, , , , , , , , )

He was a bunny
with no money
but he was cool
and not a fool
so he was hired on Her Majesty’s Secret Service
reporting to a man by the name of Purvis
who loved his secretary’s round curvis
also loved by Theo-Dan
and many a breastfeeding fan
but back to our hero Jack
and not the luxurious rack.
Jack went out in search of Dr. No
mad scientist on the go
when No became Yes
oh what a mess
come to the test
it’s certainly the best
take your eyes off that breast
and focus on Jack
not that rack
Jack’s our hero
no Agent Zero
but Double 0 Eleven
next to Bond’s 007
he likes his carrot juice shaken not stirred
his bow tie attire seldom preferred
save by a nerd.
When Goldfinger raised his finger
Jack did not linger
but to the tune of modern pop singer
punched that lunatic a real zinger
and put him through the ringer.
Pussy Galore was certainly no bore
Jack for one certainly didn’t snore
and whipping out his big stick
he evened the score.
Sean Connery was Jack’s mate
outside the gate
that saved the world’s fate
for Bunny and Man
they did have a plan
whenever the world’s shit
used to hit the fan.

-A poem about Jack O’ Hare
the bunny rabbit known as Double 0 Eleven
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
written by Christopher Van Helsing
Thursday evening November 10th 2011.

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