Nimrod Sees A Psychiatrist: Recalling Life With Semiramis

November 27, 2018 at 11:54 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, love, Mythology, News, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The famous Welsh psychiatrist Dr. Morgana Jones was able to see a new patient at her London clinic.

She did have an appointment with one of her regular patients the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing to help treat his problem of sex addiction but she received a phone call from him cancelling at the last minute because he had spent the past 24 hours making out with the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the FSB and he would likely be spending the next 24 hours doing the same.

She did receive a phone call from somebody claiming to be a British Member of Parliament who said he was feeling lonely and depressed because he was sitting alone in his hot tub and had nobody to blow bubbles and play his musical instrument with.

Dr. Jones told him to buy himself a Japanese sex robot and slammed the phone down.

The recepient on the other end called out, “Athelstan, can you find me the number of a sci-fi writer called George Finneganburg in the U.S.? I think he knows where I can buy a good Japanese female sex robot.”

As the Member of Parliament went about blissfully planning his own death by electrocution in a hot tub by hoping to get a Japanese female sex robot prone to blowing her fuse and short circuiting, Dr. Jones’ receptionist brought in a new patient.

He was a little green frog who called himself Nimrod and he hopped out from the top of a low-cut dress worn by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.

“You’ll be okay while I go do my Christmas shopping for myself at Harrods?” Lilith asked.

Nimrod ribbited in the affirmative and Lilith was out the door like a bat out of Hell to go shopping at Harrods.

“Are you the Nimrod mentioned in the Bible?” Dr. Morgana Jones asked her new patient as he lay back on the couch and hugged a Sesame Street Miss Piggy doll.

“I am,” Nimrod ribbitted in the affirmative, “I used to be a mighty hunter before the Lord although it really should be properly translated against the Lord. But I like quoting the King James Version myself. It has such beautiful English.”

“How did you become a little green frog?” Dr. Jones queried as the “mighty hunter before the Lord” used his extra long tongue to catch and swallow a fly.

“It was the result of a love potion gone horribly wrong,” Nimrod hiccoughed after swallowing the lord of the flies.

“I don’t remember reading about that in the Biblical account,” remarked Dr. Jones who was raised in a Methodist home in Wales.

“It didn’t happen in Biblical times. It happened after I croaked the first time in Biblical times,” Nimrod croaked in Miss Piggy’s ear.

“Perhaps you better explain,” Dr. Jones crossed her legs which was followed by murmuring from the office’s lobster tank.

“Well, several centuries after I died in Biblical times,” Nimrod licked his lips, “I was brought back from the dead by ET grays who were visiting Earth on an expedition. Later I was killed again when the UFO they were flying crashed near Tuktoyaktuk in the Canadian Arctic. This time I was brought back to life by DARPA while the ET gray bodies were sent to Area 51 and became hopelessly lost like all ET gray bodies at Area 51 are prone to do. The guy in charge of the Freezer section at Area 51- some old geezer who has held the job since Roswell in 1947 and really should have retired years ago has just been named director of Canada Post’s Marijuana Parcel Delivery Program by Justin Trudeau after the latter was visited by Sherrielock Holmes as part of some act of vengeance by her friend Dracul Van Helsing against the country’s marijuana users.”

“So what would you say was the primary cause of your mental trauma that brings you here today?” Dr. Jones uncrossed her legs once again causing murmurs to come from the office’s lobster tank.

“That does date back to Biblical times,” Nimrod admitted.

“Was it perhaps building the Tower of Babel that did it?” Dr. Jones smoothed her pantyhose causing the office’s lobster tank to shake.

“I wasn’t the one who built the Tower of Babel,” Nimrod blubbered into his handkerchief.

“You weren’t?” Dr. Jones was astounded.

“The Bible never says I built the Tower of Babel,” Nimrod blew his nose, “That was later expositors who said that. In fact it was my wife Semiramis who built the tower of Babel after she murdered me.”

Nimrod started to sob hysterically.

“Murdered you?” Dr. Jones was astounded.

“With an ice pick,” Nimrod bawled, “with the result that I never got the chance to enjoy my last cold beer in life. Then the bitch had the nerve to bury me face downwards so I could see where I was going.”

Nimrod was silent.

Then he admitted, “Still I suppose not seeing all those flames at first might have come as the greater surprise.”

“I can see why you’ve been traumatised,” Dr. Jones smoothed her skirt traumatizing the lobster in the tank.

“Yes, she murdered me, buried me face downwards so I could see where I was going and then had the nerve to tell the people of Babel that I had ascended into the heavens as a sun god,” Nimrod wept, “The only thing I got from the sun was sun burn. Then 18 months after I died, she gave birth to Tammuz claiming that it was a virgin birth.”

“It wasn’t?” Dr. Jones arched an eyebrow.

“No, the woman was a nymphomaniac,” Nimrod seethed, “she slept with every single member of the Palace Guard and gave them all sexually transmitted diseases.”

Nimrod looked at Dr. Jones with a pained expression on his face, “Do you know how hard it was to find a good palace guard in those days? I tell you not many were applying for the job or returning to it once word of the pox of Semiramis spread like wildfire among unionized members of Palace Guard guilds everywhere across the known world at the time.”

“Was Semiramis good in bed?” Dr. Jones asked as the lobster in the tank edged closer to the glass to hear the answer.

“I don’t know,” Nimrod shrugged.

Dr. Jones looked at the frog in shock.

“I remember when my very good friend Gilgamash Potatocus the commander of my Palace Guard lay dying,” Nimrod had tears in his eyes, “he said to me, “Your majesty, I have a confession to make to you before I die. I slept with your wife.” I looked at him and said, “With Semiramis?.” He nodded, “Yes.” And I said to him thoughtfully, “Gosh. Well, then you’re one up on me.” Then he expired. Just like the time on Lilith’s parking metre next to her Porsche as I see the policewoman writing her a ticket and putting it on the dashboard.”

The little green frog was standing at the window.

“Gilgamash Potatocus?” Dr. Jones repeated the name.

“Yes, everybody in Ancient Studies these days with the exception of the Dragon Sister prof Sydney Fox and her teaching assistant Nigel Bailey are always shooting their mouths off about how great The Epic of Gilgamesh is,” Nimrod seethed, “But the Epic of Gilgamash Potatocus is even greater. About how Gilgamash Potatocus visited Ireland where he was skinned alive and then mashed and then almost eaten by Irish cannibals before he managed to escape.”

Dr. Jones dropped her pen and bent right over to pick it up.

The lobster tank exploded.

“What’s up with that lobster?” Dr. Jones looked at the water and mess all over the floor, “I was told when I bought Chaucer that he was the younger brother of one of Set Enterprises’ star employees.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 27th
2018.

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Vatican Roulette- Gambling On There Being No Hell

October 1, 2018 at 10:25 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Vatican Roulette- Gambling On There Being No Hell

Pope Francis was having a late night supper in the Vatican with Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal, the 6 last surviving Vampiric Knights-Templar, Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow, his horse a zombie black horse named Bucephalus Reborn and Amourous Laetitia the personal black cat and familiar of Hecate (the Greek goddess of witchcraft).

Samhain Cardinal Salaman (a former professional stage magician who knew how the Indonesian ghost magician The Sacred Riana and the Canadian-American magician Shin Lim performed their tricks and illusions) had been invited to the dinner but declined when he heard what was on the menu.

On the menu was pork – pork that had been found either at the bottom of a lake or the bottom of a sea by Allatallahbel’s friend the mermaid 🧜‍♀️ goddess Atargatis (who was the mother of Semiramis the famous Assyrian Queen).

The sea bound pork was becoming quite indigestible.

Bucephalus Reborn the zombie black horse was quite literally throwing up cotton from eating it.

Pope Francis promptly lost his appetite for eating cotton candy at a circus anytime in the near or far foreseeable future.

It was fortunate for the Headless Horseman Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden that he only ate pumpkin 🎃 pie 🥧.

Thus avoiding the pork.

Amourous Laetitia decided to throw in the towel and become a vegetarian for the first time in her millennia old life.

She not only lost her pork dinner as a result of this meal but brought up her lunch as well.

That old buzzard of a vulture didn’t taste as good coming up as it did going down.

“I wonder where Atargatis got this pork from?” Allatallahbel threw up all over the gay Jesuit priest who served as Pope Francis’ valet.

Gospel of Mark Chapter 5:

Jesus exorcises the Gadarene demoniac asking the unclean spirit possessing the man, “What is thy name?” and the unclean spirit (or spirits) replies, “My name is Legion: for we are many.”

The demons possessing the man asked Christ to send them into some nearby swine.

Jesus granted them leave to do so.

The unclean spirits went into the swine and the herd of about 2000 ran off a cliff into the sea and were choked in the sea 🌊. (Mark Chapter 5: 1-20).

. . .

The leaders of the United States, Mexico and Canada announced that they had agreed to a renewed NAFTA trade deal to be renamed USMCA (United States Mexico Canada Agreement).

After Donald Trump had issued a victory tweet announcing the formation of USMCA, a group of Greenwich Village bathhouse employees wearing nothing but jockey briefs (which had pictures of Donald Trump at the back of the briefs) came out and did a dance routine on the streets bending over and singing a paraphrased version of an old 1970s Village People song, “Down at the USMCA…”

. . .

The newly installed Samhain Cardinal Salaman (former professional stage magician and ex-practicing Kabbalist) wasn’t sure whether he believed in the God of Catholicism or not.

But then years ago, Pope Francis had said that there was no Catholic God.

Still Samhain Cardinal Salaman decided to go down to Saint Raphael’s Chapel and pray to “whom it may concern”.

When he entered the chapel, he saw this vision greeting him:

A nun dressed in very unusual nun attire.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday October 1st
2018.

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Orson Welles, Atargatis and Athena

June 24, 2018 at 11:51 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Movies, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Orson Welles, Atargatis and Athena

Orson Welles ordered his 4th glass of wine 🍷 of the evening.

As he sampled it, he hoped he wasn’t turning into a lush.

Being a lush might be good enough for Sir John Falstaff but it wasn’t good enough for him Orson Welles.

He had too much he wanted to tell the world.

As Welles took another sip of the wine 🍷, he reflected on his failed marriage to Rita Hayworth whom he had formally divorced on November 10th of last year (the current evening in which he sat drinking wine in The Mermaid Wine Bistro and Lounge was June 24th 1948).

What had happened that caused his marriage to go wrong?

Probably many factors Welles thought as he gazed at his reflection in the blood red liquid of the glass.

He reflected back to the time he had considered making his own film version of Bram Stoker’s Dracula – one that he thought would be vastly superior to the 1931 Universal Pictures film version with Bela Lugosi.

Financing for the project had fell through but he had done several screen tests for it.

Including one with a beautiful Romanian brunette woman who interestingly enough called herself Draculina.

During the screen test, Welles who had been reading the role of Jonathan Harker to her playing the role of one of Dracula’s wives was very impressed by her extremely authentic vampiress like performance.

During the test, Draculina had gotten so into character (she must have been an avid student of Russian theatre practitioner Konstantin Stanislavsky), she had leaned over and given Welles a very passionate bite and hickey on the neck.

Unfortunately, Draculina did this just as Rita entered the studio.

That certainly didn’t help the relationship between husband and wife, Welles thought as he finished his glass and ordered a fifth.

The director turned his attention to other matters.

He thought about the peculiar dream he had had last night in which a lobster had appeared to him and communicated with him telepathically.

The lobster explained that his name was Michelangelo and he was a psychic lobster who was communicating with him from London in the year 2018.

Michelangelo explained to him that the Syro-Phoenician mermaid goddess Atargatis (who was the mother of Semiramis the 1st Babylonian Queen) was intending to destroy the State of Israel 🇮🇱 in that year of 2018.

It was at that moment that the phone rang waking Welles from his deep sleep.

It was a wrong number.

“No, this isn’t Floppety’s Flop House,” Welles slammed the receiver down angrily.

Welles finished his 5th glass of wine 🍷 and decided not to order another.

Otherwise he might really turn into a Sir John Falstaff.

He reached for his overcoat and hat.

He then stumbled out into the night and waved down a taxi that would drive him home.

When he arrived and fumbled around in his pocket for the keys to his room, Welles thought about the strange dream.

If this Atargatis woman of the sea was going to try to destroy Israel in 2018, that meant the nation would survive at least another 70 years.

Israeli independence had only been declared by Prime Minister David Ben-Gurion last month and already it was locked into a war of survival with its Arab neighbours.

Why had this psychic crustacean contacted him anyways, Welles wondered?

What could he a man of the theatre do about a Syro-Phoenician mermaid goddess planned invasion 70 years down the road?

“Oh Lord, send me wisdom,” Welles prayed aloud as he opened the door to his room.

Standing there waiting for him was Athena the Greek goddess of wisdom.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 24th
2018.

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Mermaid Miranda’s Revelation

May 19, 2017 at 4:21 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The mermaid who called herself Miranda had once again awakened in the salt water tank in the Israeli government aquatics laboratory in Tel Aviv.

The Controller of the Golem (a Mossad agent who went by that code name) came down to see her.

“Nice to see you awake, Miranda,” the Controller brought her roses wondering if a mermaid would like them.

She did.

She smelled them and smiled.

“Thank you, Nathan,” she said once again calling him by his first name known to few outside Mossad or the Israeli Prime Minister’s office.

“You’re welcome,” Nathan smiled at her.

Then she turned serious, “I landed on the beach at Tel Aviv to warn you and your people.”

“Warn us about what?” Nathan asked.

“The goddess Atargatis ancestress of all mermaids wants to destroy your nation,” Miranda looked grim.

Nathan knew his classical Near Eastern mythology.

Atargatis was a northern Syria goddess.

She was called Derketo by the Greeks and Dea Syriae by the Romans.

The goddess Atargatis fell in love with a mortal (a shepherd) and had a child by him- Semiramis.

One cruel day, Atargatis unintentionally killed her love and the father of her child.

Ashamed, she flung herself into a lake near Ashkelon and was turned into the form of a fish but the waters could not conceal her divine beauty.Thereafter she took the form of a mermaid- human above the waist, fish below.

Atargatis’ daughter Semiramis became a legendary Assyrian queen and was said to have been married to the biblical Nimrod (founder of Babel) and later Ninus (founder of the city of Nineveh).

A 19th Century Free Church of Scotland minister Alexander Hislop had several wet dreams about Semiramis inspiring him to label the Roman Catholic Church the Whore of Babylon and to write a book about the subject called The Two Babylons.

Nathan’s thoughts of his Ph.D Program in Classical Mythology at Cambridge University returned to the present.

“Why,” Nathan asked Miranda, “does the mermaid goddess Atargatis want to destroy Israel?”.

. . .

U.S. President Donald Trump was flying en route to Saudi Arabia when he was handed an NSA report that certain mermaids were plotting to destroy Israel.

Trump was angry when he read the report.

“How,” Trump blew both his top and his toupee, “am I supposed to tweet about this? Especially after I just called former FBI director James Comey a real nut job? And especially in lieu of the fact that polls indicate that some Americans think I’m off my rocker myself?”.

. . .

Dracul Van Helsing was reading the journal of one of his 17th Century ancestors Captain Dante Van Helsing.

The journal had been found floating in a wooden chest on the Aegian Sea after his ancestor’s ship The Virgil went down on his final voyage.

The last entry said that Dante had been turned on by the sight of sirens singing on a rock.

When he neared the rock, a mermaid who called herself Thessalonike of Macedon appeared.

Dracul knew that according to history, Thessalonike of Macedon was the half-sister of Alexander the Great.

According to legend, Alexander had found the Fountain of Immortality and had filled a flask of water from it.

He washed his sister’s hair with the flask.

When Alexander died, his grief-stricken sister threw herself into the sea.

Instead of drowning, she became an immortal mermaid.

When she encountered sailors, she always asked them the same question, “Is Alexander the king alive?”.

The correct answer in her opinion would be, “He lives and reigns and conquers the world.”

If given this answer, she would allow the crew and their ship to sail safely away in calm seas.

Any other answer would send her into a rage and she’d cause the waves to send the ship and every sailor on board to the bottom.

The journal entry ended with Dante saying that Thessalonike had just appeared.

Obviously Dante’s answer of Thessalonike’s question was not to her liking.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 19th
2017.

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