Friday The 13th Massacre Pan Goatee Style

November 13, 2015 at 8:19 pm (Commentary, Culture, Horror, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Friday The 13th Massacre Pan Goatee Style

It was Friday the 13th.

A festive holiday for serial killers everywhere.

In honour of that serial killer with the hockey mask and big knife who’s always penalized for slashing- Jason.

Friday the 13th was to serial killers what Christmas, Hanukkah and Diwali were to other people.

Serial killer Pan Goatee, who now worked as a contract hired assassin for the U.S. government and therefore just did serial killing as a hobby, grabbed his laser light beam machete.

When Pan Goatee decided that he was far more intelligent than your average run of the mill serial killers a year and a half ago, he noticed that many serial killers predominantly killed beautiful women as their victims.

This was strange, Pan Goatee thought to himself on an evening of profound philosophical reflection.

God only knows, Pan contemplated, there were too few beautiful women and too many ugly women in the world already.

Particularly in those so-called advanced western countries where The Oprah Show enjoyed immense popularity after that no-good interfering busybody spent decades telling women that they were good just the way they were.

This piece of sophist reasoning had led to an explosion of female ugliness unprecedented in human history.

If the angelic sons of God had come down to earth today and had seen the daughters of men like they did in Genesis Chapter 6 (where it was written back then, “That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose” thus leading to the procreation of Nephilim- giants), it would surely be written today, “That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were ugly; they regurgitated en masse and hurriedly left the planet never to return”.

There would be no giants in the earth these days.

Thus Pan Goatee had a moment of intellectual epiphany and he would do what no serial killer had done before.

He would only bump off ugly women.

And in so doing, make the world a more beautiful place to live.

Surely those great practitioners of aesthetics and lovers of beauty like Nietzsche, Oscar Wilde and the Greek god Apollo would most wholeheartedly approve.

And so Pan Goatee headed out that morning of Friday November 13th on his own personal urban beautification improvement project.

As he walked down a back alley, he noticed a woman walking her dog straight ahead.

Some strange looking man came walking down the alley and frightened the dog.

The dog started barking and the woman turned and pulled the dog away from the maniacal looking man.

At the moment she turned around, Pan Goatee noticed how repulsively ugly she was.

“Egad,” Pan Goatee emptied his breakfast on the side of the lane, “Some dog is out taking her dog for a walk.”

As the maniac man passed him by looking thoroughly crazed and insane, Pan Goatee walked up to the ugly looking woman and beheaded her.

“This wouldn’t have happened if you had had the courtesy to wear a paper bag over your head when you went out today,” Pan Goatee remarked as he beheaded her.

The four-legged dog barked and snarled.

Pan Goatee beheaded him as well.

“We must put an end to noise pollution in the city,” Pan Goatee commented as he permanently silenced the yippy creature’s excessive barking.

Pan Goatee looked back down the alley at the maniacal looking man who seemed to be walking around in circles as he walked.

“Hm,” Pan Goatee thought to himself, “We can’t have such deranged looking maniacs wandering the streets either. They’re a threat to civilization.”

Pan Goatee walked up to the maniacal deranged looking man and beheaded him.

“We must stop insanity in its tracks while we still have the time,” was Pan Goatee’s verbal homespun bit of philosophy as he sent the man to Hades’ Home For The Chronically Insane.

He then kicked the maniac’s severed head down the alley where it went a fair distance.

Hm, he really should try out to play for Manchester United or maybe a position as a field goal kicker for an NFL team.

That afternoon he beheaded an ugly female cyclist who not only visually assaulted the city with her looks but was also using her bike on the sidewalks instead of the streets as well.

He then beheaded a couple of ugly looking women pedestrians who got too close to him on the sidewalk as he walked along.

After a successful day of beheadings, he went home and read some Nietzsche and Oscar Wilde before going to bed.

Jason would have been proud.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 13th

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London 1888

February 24, 2013 at 5:48 pm (Commentary, Horror, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Poetry) (, , )

Jack was nimble

Jack was quick

Jack snuffed out life’s candlestick

he cut like a knife

no one’s wife

but women of the night

he left a grisly sight

the streets of London were his killing fields

to death’s sharp edge some one yields 

and the Ripper ripped

while aristocrats sipped

from glasses of champagne

and Jack achieved immortal fame.



-A poem about the world’s first

 vastly publicized serial killer

 Jack the Ripper

 who terrorized the streets of London

 in 1888.


-written by Christopher 

 Monday February 11th 2013.

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