The Ghost of Orson Welles and The Russian Spy Beluga Whale Defector To Norway

May 3, 2019 at 10:17 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Radio, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

While British MP Renfield R. Renfield was in Thailand to attend the coronation ceremony of King Maha Vajiralongkorn, his spirit advisors the ghosts of Orson Welles and Sir Winston Churchill were hanging around the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set smoking huge amounts of spectral cigars with Churchill drinking huge amounts of spectral brandy and Welles drinking huge amounts of spectral wine.

After a couple of days of this, an exasperated billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set asked his butler and valet Athelstan, “What’s the number for Ghostbusters?”.

“I regret to say, sir, that Ghostbusters was pure fiction and the Ghostbusters team portrayed by Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis and Ernie Hudson do not exist in reality,” Athelstan sighed.

“Damn,” Set spilled his crocodile casserole all over himself at this upsetting piece of news.

The phone rang.

Athelstan picked it up.

“It’s for you, Orson,” the valet called out to Welles’ ghost who was busy talking to the clock on the living room mantelpiece and telling it, “We will sell no wine before its time.”

“Who is it?” Welles asked.

“It’s Erna Solberg the Prime Minister of Norway,” Athelstan replied.

“What does the Prime Minister of Norway want with me?” Welles asked.

“Well, why don’t you pick up the fucking phone and find out?” Set said angrily as he was using vast amounts of Sherrielock Holmes’ Bavarian Magic Mushroom Stain Remover trying desperately to remove the crocodile casserole stains off his suit and tie.

Welles’ ghost took the phone.

After a long conversation, Welles’ ghost put the phone down.

“What is up, Senor Welles?” Athelstan asked.

“Apparently, that beluga whale that showed up in Norway that some people are calling a Russian spy wants to defect to the Norwegians,” Welles replied.

“And what does that have to do with you?” Set asked as he found out where Renfield kept his secret stash of bourbon (it was under the stairwell under a post office box marked HARRY POTTER Age 21) and helped himself to two bottles of bourbon.

“Apparently, the beluga whale doesn’t speak Norwegian,” Welles replied, “he only speaks Russian (which he learned at the Russian Navy’s Northern Fleet Headquarters in Murmansk where he was being taught to be a spy) and English. Apparently he learned English because his spy handler listened to my old radio programs that are available on the Internet. Shows like The Shadow, The Adventures of Harry Lime, and The Black Museum. He also liked a radio commercial ad I once did for Norwegian cod. Apparently it was that ad which inspired him to defect to Norway. While swimming towards Norwegian waters, he ran into the mermaid Miranda who had met Renfield once on the Israeli coast off Tel Aviv. Miranda told the beluga whale that while it is true that I’m dead, I was granted dispensational leave from Purgatory by Hades the god of the Underworld and I’m currently serving as a spirit advisor to Mr. Renfield along with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill. The beluga wants to make his formal defection to the Norwegian government with me present.”

“Does that mean you’ll go to Norway and be out of my house for a while?” Set asked as he started working on his 99th bottle of bourbon.

“Yes,” Welles nodded, “If I can borrow one of your Persian flying carpets to fly to Norway.”

“Yes, go down to the Set Enterprises Laboratories and Rug Emporium and get one,” Set directed, “In the name of God, go.”

Welles’ ghost walked out the door and went out into the London night with his spectral fur coat adorning his huge spectral shoulders.

Set looked over into the armchair by the fireplace where Churchill’s ghost sat fast asleep and singing in his sleep, “Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Clementine, you are lost and gone forever, oh my darling Clementine.”

“Now, if I can only find a way to get rid of that one,” the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire pointed a bony finger at Churchill before falling to the floor in a drunken stupor.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 3rd 2019.

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Labour Disruption and Strike At Set Enterprises

November 24, 2018 at 11:49 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Science, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Last night, British MP Renfield R. Renfield was on his way to the Set Enterprises laboratory to receive a vision from Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster that was intended for his eyes only.

However due to a traffic delay caused by an extremely idiotic driver and the subsequent shooting of that extremely idiotic driver, Renfield was late getting to the Set Enterprises laboratory.

The site was now called Set Enterprises Laboratories and Rug Emporium (as Renfield’s former boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had now gone into business with the Persian goddess Anahita to sell Persian rugs together).

They had hired Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the Dragon Warrioress Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria (who had first met and made out in a police interrogation room at Scotland Yard) to demonstrate how easy it was to hold tantric sex couplings on Persian rugs thus increasing the popularity of sales.

However once Renfield got to the Laboratory and Rug Emporium, the union of Persian rug employees and workers were now on strike after smoking and inhaling Canadian recreational cannabis that had been smuggled aboard a Canadian Federal Government commissioned Air Canada flight from Ottawa to London.

The rug emporium employees were now on strike demanding higher wages so they could buy higher doses of cannabis laced products so they could go on higher trips.

Their picket lines were now surrounding the Set Enterprises building and they weren’t letting anybody in.

Renfield decided it wouldn’t be a good idea to reach under his raincoat and grab his semi-automatic weapon and blow the whole lot of them to kingdom come for two reasons:

Firstly, any tourists present might think they were no longer in London but some locale in the United States and Trump would soon be tweeting his thoughts and prayers to them while not standing up to the narcissistic jackals and jackasses in the NRA who were against any form of gun control (save for a brief period in the 1960s when it became apparent that members of the Black Panthers were buying large amounts of weapons and the NRA were screaming for the government to do something and impose some form of government control over gun purchases but the memory of that brief period the current NRA leadership and membership sought to erase from most History textbooks).

Secondly, Renfield did not want to alienate any potential British Labour Party voter who might be inclined to vote for his British Transhumanist Party (Renfieldian Transhumanism was not your Ray Kurzweil Google brand of Transhumanism or Jeff Bezos Amazon brand of Transhumanism but as the ghost of the late Prague Spring of 1968 Czechoslovakian leader Alexander Dubcek called it, “Transhumanism with a human face.”).

Since the striking rug employees were higher than a kite, Renfield used his new Dr. Cadbury Rocher Cosmos brand Smart Phone to put in a call to the Niburuan ET gray Gali-Gula.

The ET gray Gali-Gula arrived in his UFO Flying Saucer and walked out to speak to the striking workers.

In the platinum plated metallic iron gloves on his hands he carried the marijuana pot smoking desert cactus plant named Strawberry Fields Forever.

Strawberry Fields Forever’s normal habitat was the greenhouse of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau in Ottawa where the Prime Minister (who had picked up the Prince of Wales’ habit of talking to plants) would go and chat with the cannabis pot smoking cactus plant and inhale the plant’s exhaled smoke as he did so.

Then Justin could truthfully tell the Canadian news media that his lips never touched a marijuana cigarette.

Renfield looked at his watch.

He was late for a hot tub appointment with some of Japan’s top female porn stars who were currently visiting Britain.

Renfield decided he’d leave it to the Niburuan mediator the ET gray Gali-Gula to end the strike.

Michelangelo’s vision for Renfield’s eyes only would have to wait for another day.

His vision of Japanese lady porn stars in a hot tub for his eyes only were far more important.

He left.

The ET gray Gali-Gula told the crowd that his ET gray body was in fact possessed by the spirit of the ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula and they could only see him if they inhaled pot smoke.

The crowd was not impressed and still refused to swear off pot smoking.

Gali-Gula said, “I’ll show you the hazards of excessive pot smoking and inhalation.”

He once again picked up the pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever in his platinum plated metallic iron gloved hands.

“Show them the aftereffects of excessive pot smoking and inhalation,” Gali-Gula addressed Strawberry Fields Forever.

The pot smoking cactus plant then started hiccoughing and sneezing cactus needles in the strikers’ direction.

The strikers still refused to swear off pot smoking.

“Desperate times require desperate measures,” Gali-Gula did his best voice impersonation of Sir Winston Churchill while speaking to Strawberry Fields Forever.

“And now for something completely different,” Gali-Gula spoke to the crowd while impersonating the voice of the Monty Python TV show announcer, “And far more drastic. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau doing a naked phallic impersonation of Donald Trump.”

Justin Trudeau had ingested Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed Reverse Viagra tablets a few hours before so his phallus would be the right size for doing a Donald Trump impersonation.

The holographic image of Justin Trudeau doing a Donald Trump phallic impersonation was astral projected from Ottawa to London.

He had a special guest to help him in his performance.

The image of a naked Justin Trudeau doing a Donald Trump phallic impersonation and doing a lap dance in the naked lap of a totally nude possible future House speaker Nancy Pelosi was an image far too horrifying for even an H.P. Lovecraft to conceive.

It was also an image far too horrifying for the striking employees of Set Enterprises Rug Emporium to receive.

They swore off pot smoking and cannabis inhalation for life.

The strike ended.

Gali-Gula had saved the day and the night.

And PTSD therapists would be receiving a multitude of clients the next day.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday November 24th
2018.

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