Where’s Renfield When You Really Need Him?

February 20, 2014 at 8:47 pm (Humour, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Where’s Renfield When You Really Need Him?

Dr. Cadbury Rocher scratched his head and some more dandruff fell out.

Damn! he thought.

Maybe he should start using that American brand Head and Shoulders shampoo instead of that expensive French shampoo that smelled like lavender robed in the blooming garb of spring which his wife bought for him in upscale downtown London hair salons on the recommendation of male hairstylists who did perpetual Truman Capote voice impersonations.

Back to the matter at hand.

He had intercepted two Italian secret service agents Giuseppe and Antonio last night who were trying to steal DNA samples from the Set Enterprises Laboratories lab.

But he had no idea how to interrogate them.

Renfield R. Renfield who was the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises was in France where he had been swept away by the gale force rain and wind storms that had been attacking Britain this past winter.

He was now in Paris living out the lives of various great artists who had lived in that city.

Last night he had been Toulouse-Lautrec.

Today he was Vincent Van Gogh.

Feeling a bit squeamish about cutting off his own ear, Renfield decided to cut off the ear of someone else instead.

He was now in a Paris courtroom facing charges of aggravated assault.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 20th
2014.

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Renfield On The Champs-Élysées In Paris

February 19, 2014 at 8:08 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield On The Champs-Élysées In Paris

Having worked his way from the beaches of Normandy where he had landed in France, Renfield R. Renfield was now sitting in a cafe along the Champs-Élysées drinking cafe au lait and having oral surgery performed on a certain part of his anatomy by a tres belle Madame de le soir as he attempted to sketch a Toulouse-Lautrec like drawing of Parisienne nightlife sur la table.

Just then his iPhone went off at about the same time as he did.

It was Dr. Cadbury Rocher (the chief sanity challenged scientist at his boss’ Set Enterprises Laboratories) calling.

Apparently Julius the genetic hybrid T-Rex giraffe (he was mainly giraffe but he had a touch of prehistoric T-Rex dinosaur DNA which gave him ferocious razor like teeth) who was Set Enterprises Laboratories’ chief watch “dog” and security guard had screwed up badly on the job last night in a highly embarrassing incident involving Nabisco Barnum’s Animal Crackers.

Renfield went ballistic when Dr. Rocher explained what happened.

“You can tell that crazy giraffe who’s a walking advertisement for the benefits of prehistoric dentistry that if he ever pulls a stunt like that again,” Renfield foamed, “I’m going to send him to a Danish zoo.”

A ferocious roar that could be heard in the background suddenly turned into a whimper when Renfield shouted those last words into the phone.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 19th
2014.

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And So The Winter Sun Starts To Set On January 2014

January 28, 2014 at 12:23 am (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

And So The Winter Sun Starts To Set On January 2014

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set walked the streets of London in search of blood.

After biting a few Londoners and draining them of their blood, he showed them what a pain in the neck he could be in London after midnight.

An even bigger pain in the neck than silent film star Lon Chaney Sr.

In cyberspace, he was also searching for blood.

After a recent conversation he had with his company Set Enterprises Laboratories’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher, he needed some of the late Pope John Paul II’s blood for the Rocher plan to succeed.

So Set put an ad on eBay saying he’d pay £2 million to anyone who could bring him a genuine vial of the late Pope John Paul II’s blood.

As Set checked the BBC News app on his Galaxy Android phone while draining the blood of and at the same time having coital relations with a beautiful mini skirted Russian girl on the sidewalks of London, he noticed a news story that a holy relic containing the blood of the late Pope John Paul II had been stolen from a chapel in Italy.

Hm, that’s a good sign, Set thought.

“I’m an Aquarius,” was the beautiful mini skirted Russian girl’s last words as she died trying to fix the holes in her torn nylon stockings.

. . .

Pan Goatee was sitting in his Washington DC apartment getting a blow job from a young Monica Lewinsky lookalike while reading a personally autographed copy of former U. S. President Bill Clinton’s autobiography.

On the television screen in the room was a news story about Pope Francis freeing two doves from the window of the Apostolic Palace in the Vatican with the help of two small children.

Only minutes before the two papal peace doves were released, Pope Francis had called for peace in Ukraine.

Then no sooner had the two doves been released by the two children at the window then both birds were attacked much to the horror of tens of thousands of on-lookers in St. Peter’s Square.

An enormous seagull and a huge black crow attacked the two doves.

One dove managed to escape the seagull but the black crow continued to peck at the other dove drawing blood.

“I’ve got a stain on my blue dress!” The Monica Lewinsky lookalike shouted as Pan Goatee came with the full force of a volcanic eruption from Mount Vesuvius.

“Here take this,” Pan Goatee handed her a gift card for a full steam cleaning at a DC Chinese laundry.

. . .

Russian President Vladimir Putin was sitting in his office.

His shortwave radio was picking up a radio station from Texas.

“Hi friends, this is Texe Marrs,” the Texan voice on the radio drolled.

Putin was reading an intercepted CIA report where the CIA agent had written that he had it on the highest authority of a retired U.S. Air Force officer in Texas that the recent anti-government protests in Kiev Ukraine (the current Ukrainian government were staunch allies of Putin’s Russia) was the direct result of a Jewish conspiracy based on an obscure passage in a medieval Khazar translation of the Babylonian Talmud.

Putin pounded the table, “Damn Jews.”

. . .

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was sitting in his office.

He had in front of him a handwritten note written and sent to him by the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis.

Isis offered to help him build a Third Jewish Temple on the Temple Mount provided he promised to erect a statue of her husband Osiris within the Temple.

Netanyahu sighed.

How was it he was getting messages from all the crazies today?

Earlier he had received an email from a Chinese-Canadian using a Government of Canada Dept. of Health Canada email address offering to sell him the original Golem of Prague if the price was right.

The fellow claimed he had won it in a Destinations Europe contest he had entered.

. . .

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was in Geneva Switzerland ostensibly to attend the Geneva II Conference of Peace Talks on Syria.

But an extremely cold Swiss winter had frozen the country’s buttermilk supply.

And Magog used drinking buttermilk as an antidote to his turning into a werewolf.

So instead of attending the conference, Magog walked around the streets of Geneva on all furry fours growling and snarling and eating people.

The people he ate were for the most part tourists who remained stationary long enough for them to take pics of him with their smart phones and upload them to Instagram and Facebook.

And in the process, they remained stationary long enough for him to eat them.

Magog belched loudly as he passed the evening prayer service of a Swiss Reformed Church whose congregation was singing that old southern U.S. spiritual song, “Ezekiel saw the wheel way up in the middle of the air…”

. . .

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 27th
2014.

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