Renfield Discusses Dungeons With The Vampire Set
Renfield Discusses Dungeons With The Vampire Set
Renfield R. Renfield MP was discussing the dungeons in the basement of the colossal West London mansion with the mansion’s owner and his former boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set.
“So you want to use part of the basement dungeons as interrogation chambers for MI-6?” Set inquired as he chewed on a roast crocodile.
“That’s right, Boss,” Renfield was used to calling the former Egyptian god of darkness and the desert by that name from the days when he used to work for him.
“Well of course part of the basement dungeons my new Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering Sherrielock Holmes uses for her dominatrix service,” Set licked crocodile flesh off his fingers.
“I know,” Renfield adjusted the cushions under his tender buttocks, “it’s the other part of the basement dungeons that I’d use.”
“And what prisoners will you be keeping there?” Set belched into the evening air.
“Some Russian military intelligence officers we captured in Syria through the efforts of our allies Prince Vlad Dracula and the Israeli Mossad agent the Controller of the Golem,” Renfield replied.
“So you’re moving quickly against Putin’s Russia eh?” Set drank from a jar of Josef Stalin’s blood he kept for special occasions, “while Theresa May is publicly expelling 23 Russian diplomats from the UK, you’re privately rounding up members of Russia’s high-ranking military and intelligence services?”.
“That is correct,” Renfield said, “because if Putin wants to get into a pissing contest with me, he better have strong and powerful kidneys because mine are made of steel.”
Set who was privately worried these days (and nights) that he might finally be coming down with senility at his advanced age of a few thousand years wrinkled his forehead.
He was trying to remember if his Chief Scientist at Set Enterprises Dr. Cadbury Rocher had equipped Renfield R. Renfield with steel kidneys when he had genetically created him in a lab.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 14th
2018.
Cleopatra Regenesis?
Cleopatra Regenesis?
In the White House, Donald Trump was having a dream in which his former White House aide Steve Bannon was drinking nanite Earl Grey tea and then the latter’s head exploded.
Waking up from the dream, Trump immediately tweeted, “Steve Bannon has lost his mind.”
After tweeting, Trump went back to sleep where he dreamed that he was in a sauna with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un and the two compared their respective nuclear buttons to see whose was the biggest and most powerful.
Meanwhile in London, the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, after reading Anne and Christopher Rice’s book Ramses The Damned: The Passion of Cleopatra, had asked Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher to make a genetic clone of ancient Egypt’s Queen Cleopatra (whose official title was Cleopatra VII Philopator) because Set figured that such a woman would be worth making love to.
Dr. Rocher replied that he would gladly do that except first he needed some of Cleopatra’s DNA and in order to do that, it might be helpful if Cleopatra’s tomb were found.
Set found himself in agreement with Dr. Rocher’s brilliant Sherlock Holmesian deduction and was soon on the phone to various archaeologists and Egyptologists that he knew to see if they would find Cleopatra’s tomb for him.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 3rd
2018.
Renfield Receives A Knighthood
Renfield Receives A Knighthood
The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set looked somewhat perplexed as he sat in his chair in the living room of his colossal West London mansion and tried to read his copy of The Times of London.
For every time his former employee and current tenant the British MP Renfield R. Renfield entered the living room, Amadeus Emanon would play Sir Edward Elgar’s musical piece Land of Hope and Glory on the piano.
Finally exasperated beyond all point of vampiric endurance, Set asked his butler and valet Athelstan who was busy pouring tea, “Why is it that every time Renfield enters the room, Amadeus starts playing Sir Edward Elgar’s Land of Hope and Glory on the piano?”.
“Beg your pardon, sir,” Athelstan handed Set his cup of Earl Grey tea, “but Mr. Renfield requested that Amadeus do so.”
“Why in the name of God (who doesn’t exist),” Set added honey, sugar, lemon, milk and brain expanding nanites to his tea, “did Renfield make such a request?”.
“Because Mr. Renfield has been named to the Queen’s New Year’s Honours list,” Athelstan answered.
“What?” Set spewed out a mouthful of tea which was a good thing because the sight of a vampire’s head exploding is not a pretty thing to see.
“Yes, he’s been awarded a knighthood,” Athelstan calmly wiped up the tea stain with Miss Sherrielock Holmes’ Bavarian Wild Mushroom Cleaner Stain Remover.
“In heaven’s name (even though Heaven doesn’t exist),” Set spewed out the remainder of his tea out of his mouth, “why?”.
“Ostensibly for planning that British Brigade of Gurkhas raid on that ISIS Islamic State training camp in Libya back on June 6th of this year in which Renfield had the Gurkhas tie nails and explosives to the ISIS members’ tiny testicles and which Renfield then detonated simultaneously at the push of a button – a raid Renfield planned and executed in retaliation for the Manchester and London terrorist attacks,” Athelstan answered.
“Is there another reason Renfield might have been awarded the knighthood?” Set asked.
“He dove in and saved one of the Queen’s corgis from drowning in a swimming pool earlier this year,” Athelstan remarked.
“Good God,” Set went into another relapse of Judeo-Christian terminology, “Renfield is conceited enough as it is. Imagine what he’ll be like once we have to call him Sir Renfield.”
“The whole thing fills me with chills, sir,” Athelstan dumped the tea outside which was then drunk by a rat whose head exploded after doing so.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 30th
2017.
The 100th Anniversary of The Russian Bolshevik Revolution
The 100th Anniversary of The Russian Bolshevik Revolution
Renfield R. Renfield MP stood up in the British House of Commons and began his speech, “It was 100 years ago today that the Russian Bolshevik Revolution occurred when at 9:40 PM local time the cruiser gunship Aurora fired a shot at the Winter Palace in Petrograd (St. Petersburg) forcing the Provisional Government of Alexander Kerensky to surrender.
The Revolution marked the start of a century of bloodshed as Communists killed millions of people in their attempt to create a Utopia of peace, bread and prosperity.”
. . .
100 years earlier-
October 25th 1917 (on the old Julian calendar which Russia was using at the time)
November 7th 1917 (on the new Gregorian calendar which the Russian Socialist Federative Soviet Republic under Lenin would later adopt in 1918).
On the cruiser gunship Aurora, the 50-foot long Egyptian Serpent Apophis was coiled aboard deck.
Apophis who had convinced the German Kaiser Wilhelm II to smuggle Lenin back into Russia via Finland.
Apophis who had convinced the “useful idiots” in the Woodrow Wilson Administration to allow Leon Trotsky to leave the U.S. and return to Russia.
Apophis who hoped the new Red Dawn would forever block out Ra’s rising sun.
“Will anyone be able to stop this Revolution?” The Bolshevik captain of the Aurora asked.
“No,” Apophis shook his serpentine head, “it’s not likely that sometime within the next year that they’ll dig up Set from his tomb and he shall once again slay me with his giant spear like he used to do when he rode as a passenger aboard Ra’s solar barge.”
. . .
Renfield (whose code name was The Spear of Set when he worked at Set Enterprises) concluded his speech, “Vladimir Putin’s mistake in Russia is to attempt a synthesis of Imperial Czarist Russia and Soviet Stalinist Russia – a synthesis bound for failure. As with every other Hegelian synthesis in history. For as any person inclined towards sensible philosophy knows- Hegel was a pompous ass full of wind and fury whose flatulence in history will ultimately signify nothing.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 7th
2017.
Allatallahbel Swims To Nephthys’ Undersea Tomb
Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal had hired two London private eyes Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley to track down the sole surviving Vampiric Knights-Templar for her.
She had also hired another London private eye Randall Hopkins to spy on the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set for her (Randall Hopkins accepted the case immediately since he had prior experience spying on Set having been hired by the Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis to do just that 3 years ago).
Randall Hopkins had broke into Set’s house where he located a couriered document sent to Set by the German government.
Apparently a World War One German UB-II U-Boat submarine had just been found off the coast of Belgium.
According to the sub’s last manifest written down before its last voyage (the manifest was found in the German National Archives) the Egyptian vampiress Nephthys (Set’s long lost wife) was on board the vessel.
When Set read the courier document, he practically shit himself.
After using up the mansion’s entire rolls of toilet paper, Set then flew to Atlanta Georgia to meet former U.S. President Jimmy Carter.
Set figured that if Carter could negotiate a successful peace treaty between Egypt and Israel (like he did back in 1978), then he could successfully negotiate an amicable divorce agreement between Nephthys and himself if Nephthys was still alive.
Allatallahbel decided to swim to the spot where the sub was located (she had seduced a German Federal cabinet minister to tell her the location) to see for herself whether Nephthys was alive or dead.
When she emerged and walked back to her Belgian B and B, a group of ex-DARPA operatives on a European tour snapped her pic with their smart phones.
One ex-DARPA op named Daniel (who had an otter following behind him) started to curse, “Dang! I forgot to recharge my smart phone battery!”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday September 26th
2017.
A Haitian Vampire Huntress, An Aztec Vampiress and A German WW1 U-Boat
A Haitian Vampire Huntress, An Aztec Vampiress and A German WW1 U-Boat
The Haitian vampire huntress Yoanna Soleil was working in her office in the Haitian capital of Port-au-Prince when her phone rang.
“Hello,” Yoanna picked up her phone.
“Mlle. Soleil, this is the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec,”
said the sensual feminine voice on the other end of the line.
“Well, well, your Imperial Highness,” Yoanna Soleil laughed, “this is a surprise. It’s not often that a vampire huntress gets a phone call from a vampiress. I must warn you however that I’m not like the heterosexual sex addict Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing nor am I lesbian or bisexual in my sexual orientation so you won’t be able to use your seductive, sexy and sensual vampiress charms on me.”
“That’s not what I’m calling about,” Qonzilqointec sounded exasperated, “my penthouse here in Mexico City has just been severely shaken by a 7.1 magnitude earthquake and from my vantage point way up high, I can see dozens of buildings around the city have collapsed.”
“I’m so sorry,” Yoanna Soleil was sincere for her own country had been hit by a devastating earthquake only 7 years ago.
“This is the 2nd major earthquake that has hit Mexico 🇲🇽 in the past 10 days,” the vampire princess sighed, “as you know an 8.2 magnitude earthquake hit southern Mexico back on September 8th.”
“I know,” Yoanna said then asked, “so why are you calling me?”.
“Well, I don’t have to tell you about all the major hurricanes that have been hitting the Caribbean region this season,” the Aztec vampiress stated.
“No you don’t,” Yoanna agreed.
“That’s why I’m calling you, Mlle. Soleil,” Qonzilqointec’s voice was pleading, “I think what’s been happening is connected. You are aware of course of the kraken Uhluhtc that sleeps at the bottom of the Caribbean Sea.”
Uhluhtc the sleeping Kraken at the bottom of the Caribbean Sea was considered just a legend among the educated elites of the Caribbean, Central America and Mexico.
However both vampiress and vampire huntress having dealt with things supernatural during their respective lifetimes knew that the kraken Uhluhtc was very much real.
“Yes,” Yoanna Soleil answered.
“Uhluhtc is not sleeping anymore,” the Aztec vampiress stated emphatically, “and that is what causing all these major earthquakes and major hurricanes of the moment. I propose we form an alliance to destroy it.”
. . .
The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had received a confidential message from German Chancellor Angela Merkel.
“I wonder what this is all about?” Set asked his butler and valet Athelstan as he opened the sealed envelope marked TOP SECRET and CONFIDENTIAL.
“I have no idea, sir,” answered Athelstan who was sporting a black eye having had to rescue his elderly mother (who was currently visiting London) from a bar room brawl in a London pub the night before when she had once again got into a violent argument with another patron over matters relating to British and European football ⚽️ like she was prone to do.
“The courier said it had something to do with that World War One German UB-II U-Boat submarine they just found off the coast of Belgium 🇧🇪,” Amadeus Emanon spoke up from the neighbouring piano room.
“I heard about that,” Set answered, “what does that have to do with me? The tomb I was buried alive in for millennia wasn’t opened until Armistice Day in 1918 so I couldn’t have anything to do with the sinking of a German U-Boat submarine.”
“You have an excellent alibi in my opinion, sir,” Athelstan agreed.
“Oh my god Ra,” Set turned paler than even his usual pale looking vampiric self, “it’s who the German government believe was on board that U-Boat submarine that concerns me.”
“And who might that be, sir?” Athelstan inquired politely.
But Set was in such a state of shock that he was at a loss for words.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday September 19th
2017.
Set Rides The Train
Set Rides The Train
The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was riding the train.
He was sitting quietly in his seat 💺 when a long haired freak walked by with a baby stroller.
What was some freak doing with a baby stroller in this part of the train?
Another woman presumably his wife followed him.
And then another woman- presumably the wife’s ugly sister followed her.
They sat a couple of seats in front of him.
Then the brat in the stroller started crying.
And crying.
Set seemed to recall a verse from the ancient Hebrew psalms about smashing babies’ heads against the walls of the city of Jerusalem.
Well, it was a long way from Jerusalem but the train wall should be just as handy.
Set strolled over to the baby carriage, picked up the screaming brat and bashed her head against the wall killing her instantly.
The mother screamed.
Set used his 66-inch long fingernails to decapitate the mother.
The father started to protest.
“Can’t have creeps like you reproducing and contaminating the human gene pool,” Set likewise used his nails to rip his head off.
The ugly sister of the mother, the ugly sister-in-law of the father and the ugly aunt of the now deceased screaming brat- the ugly 3 in 1- now raised her ugly shrill screaming voice in a cacophonous symphony of protest.
That was likewise cut short by Set’s long uncut fingernails.
Set then ripped the ugly woman’s face to shreds with his nails for he had recently read an article in National Geographic Magazine about how genetically created satyr serial killer and DARPA astral assassin Pan Goatee was attempting to make Earth a more aesthetically pleasing place by killing ugly women.
The ancient Egyptian god of darkness figured he might as well contribute to the cause for ever since some idiot said “Let there be light”, there was always the possibility that light might shed light on ugliness.
Set had once supported Hitler’s rise to power.
While he disagreed with Hitler (a self-professed artist) on painting all members of the same race or ethnic group with one brush, he Set did think that certain individuals and possibly even one entire family could be inferior and basically human scum and should therefore be eliminated from the face of the earth as was the case with this Native North American Indian trio (a quartet- if you include the brat) who thought it was perfectly all right to conduct some noisy powwow ceremony on what should be an upper class train.
If they still published Eugenics magazines like they did back in the 1930s, Set thought of an article he could write on the subject.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 4th
2017.
The Entity/Being In The Painting/From The Painting
The great South African artist SAREJESS looked at some of the paintings he had painted the past couple of months.
Paintings based on dreams and visions he had had.
A grandfather clock with pendulum surrounded with ancient Egyptian markings.
A large hourglass filled with sand on a sandy beach that was turned over again by mermaids in the surging tide.
A sundial that was able to operate in the moonlight at night in the courtyard of an ancient Egyptian palace.
A lovely blonde working girl in the Wild West who wore a beautiful vintage railway watch on a chain worn down the cleft between her magnificent pair of knockers in a low-cut blouse.
A cuckoo clock that had a cuckoo bird bearing the face of Orson Welles as Harry Lime the Thrid Man coming out of it followed by a cuckoo bird bearing the face of an older looking Orson Welles as an ancient Egyptian Pharaoh coming out of it.
A giant hamster standing atop the clock tower of Big Ben.
A ship of the Greek god Hades sailing on the sea that he painted first and later had a dream about.
Another dream with the clock tower of Big Ben sending out a searchlight signal advertising the 1001 positions of the Kama Sutra. Also in the dream and the painting were the TARDIS phone booth from the Dr. Who TV series and the vintage railway watch on a chain down her knockers wearing blonde Serena (now dyed a redhead) wearing a sexy red dress and standing in the snow with two weapons in her hands blasting away at a group of North Korean Army soldiers.
Now last night SAREJESS had another dream.
What he knew was the final dream.
And the final painting of this particular series of paintings.
He painted a picture of an ancient Egyptian wearing white high priestly robes and carrying a scroll in his right hand.
Only this Egyptian high priestly figure had the head of an African sacred ibis bird rather than a human head.
The ibis headed ancient Egyptian figure was followed by a group of baboons.
In the dream, the baboons (following the figure) could talk and were saying prayers of thanksgiving that they were not red spider monkeys.
In the background was Donald Trump shampooing his hair.
SAREJESS recognized the being/entity that he had just painted- the Egyptian high priestly robed figure with a scroll in his hand and the head of an ibis on his head- Thoth.
Thoth the Egyptian god.
Thoth the god of wisdom, writing, counting and medicine.
Thoth the god of magic.
Thoth the scribe and messenger of the gods.
Thoth the creator of hieroglyphs.
The author of Egypt’s sacred laws.
The recorder of the eternal verdict on a deceased person’s heart.
Thoth the god of intelligence, thought, logic and reason.
Thoth the god of the moon.
In fact in many ancient Egyptian paintings, Thoth was often depicted with a lunar disc over his head.
Thoth was known as “The Heart of Ra”, “The Measurer of Time” and “The Master of the Words of God”.
His silver barque transported the souls of the dead across the night sky.
Thoth, to SAREJESS’ amazement, moved in the painting and boarded his silver barque.
Then Thoth walked straight out of the painting carrying the small silver barque (that SAREJESS had just painted) with him.
A blank figure in the painting now stood where Thoth had just walked out.
Thoth then left SAREJESS’ studio carrying the silver barque with him.
“Tim,” his wife Winnie called to him from the kitchen, “who was that very odd looking gentleman who just walked out of your studio? Is he going to buy a painting?”.
“No, dear, I don’t think so,” SAREJESS answered.
Thoth walked down to the beach at Port Elizabeth still carrying the small silver barque with him.
As soon as Thoth put the barque in the salt waters of the Indian Ocean, it grew to life size.
Thoth then boarded the barque and sailed straight up into the sky.
His lunar disc silver barque then sailed but this time it was not the night sky that Thoth transported the souls of the dead across.
It was the day time sky across America from Lincoln City Oregon down to Charleston South Carolina.
And many people saw the ancient Egyptian moon god Thoth’s total eclipse of the sun.
. . .
As Bonnie Tyler stood in front of a statue of the Egyptian sun god Ra singing the song “Total Eclipse of the Heart”, the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set awakened in his sarcophagus in London in a sweat (and he hadn’t been down to the gym in millennia).
He motioned for his valet and butler Athelstan to bring him his Hugh Hefner like red velvet smoking jacket and his pipe.
As he sat there smoking, he said quietly, “Thoth has returned. Now many people will start returning from the dead.”
. . .
Now down at the Set Enterprises’ laboratory, Set’s long dead (since 1924) fiancee Serena opened her eyes.
The Time Traveler’s soul had returned to her earthly body.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 21st
2017.
South African Artist SAREJESS and The Cuckoo Cuckoo Clock
South African Artist SAREJESS and The Cuckoo Cuckoo Clock
The great South African artist SAREJESS was once again dreaming a dream.
He was dreaming he was in a Wild West bordello room above a Wild West saloon.
The date on the room’s calendar was marked August 15th 1885.
Outside the room through the window (for the drapes were not closed) was a neon sign that said The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon.
SAREJESS scratched his head and thought to himself, had neon lights even been invented yet back in the 1880s?
A lobster suddenly appeared on the floor of the room and started speaking to SAREJESS, “This sign was made from the earlier Geissler tubes and was arranged in a sign for this saloon by the saloon’s genius proprietress owner Miss Sherrielock Holmes who is the love of my life. Albeit an unrequited love since she is human (although an immortal human) and I but a mere lobster (albeit a lobster with psychic abilities).”
“A lobster with the power of speech?” SAREJESS was amazed.
“But only in my dreams or, in this case, in your dreams,” answered the lobster whose name was Michelangelo, “for in the real world outside dreams, my geneticist creator Dr. Cadbury Rocher did not give me the power to speak. Which is a shame. Otherwise every night, I’d crawl out of my salt water tank and use Dr. Rocher’s mobile phone to phone and text message Sherrielock Holmes and recite Shakespearean and Byronic love poems to her.”
“I’m sure she’d be impressed,” said SAREJESS.
“Indeed, she would,” Michelangelo nodded, “for she is a woman of impeccable good taste.”
The lobster then vanished with the next cry of the cuckoo clock.
Meanwhile in the bed in the room, the man in the bed (whose name was Belvedere) rolled over on top of the lovely blonde woman with nice knockers in the bed (her name was Serena).
“Oh my gosh,” Serena gasped, “here you come again.”
“Wasn’t that the name of a Dolly Parton song?” SAREJESS asked himself.
The cuckoo clock’s cuckoo then came out of the clock again.
This time the cuckoo bird had the face of Orson Welles as he appeared in the 1949 film The Third Man.
“You know,” a much older looking Orson Welles (the same age Welles was when he gave his last interview with Merv Griffin on October 10th 1985) dressed as an ancient Egyptian Pharaoh appeared to SAREJESS, “I always regretted during my long theatrical career that I never played the role of an ancient Egyptian.”
Then SAREJESS woke up.
The Paint Zombie (as his wife now called him due to his recent spate of nocturnal painting sprees) then rushed to his studio where he painted a picture of two cuckoo clocks. One had a cuckoo bird with the face of Orson Welles as the Third Man coming out of it and the other clock had a cuckoo bird with the face of Orson Welles as an Egyptian Pharaoh coming out of it.
As his wife remarked later, “You’ve definitely gone cuckoo, Tim.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 27th
2017.
South African Artist SAREJESS and The Railway Watch
South African Artist SAREJESS and The Railway Watch
The great South African artist SAREJESS was having another dream.
In this dream, he saw a lovely elegantly designed railway watch on a chain that was hanging between a shapely pair of feminine breasts.
He heard a voice saying, “Oh Serena, what a lovely pair of knockers you have.”
SAREJESS found himself repeating those words in his sleep.
SAREJESS immediately found himself being awakened by his wife Winnie who asked, “Who’s Serena?”.
Tim (SAREJESS’s real first name) stammered in reply.
He figured he’d better run down to his studio.
Because in SAREJESS’ opinion, a frying pan 🍳 was meant for frying eggs and not for hitting husbands over the head when they make stupid statements which husbands are prone to do.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 23rd
2017.
