Renfield TV Ad

March 23, 2015 at 7:02 pm (Humour, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield TV Ad

This was the TV ad that Renfield did as a shapeshifting hamster for KIA Motors.

Announcer: What sort of car does successful hamster defense attorney Hairy Masonite drive?

Renfield as Hairy Masonite (doing his best Raymond Burr impersonation): Why a 2015 Kia Cadenza of course.

Announcer: And driving to work in the driver’s seat of a new Kia Cadenza helps keep Hairy Masonite in the driver’s seat of the courtroom.

Renfield as Hairy Masonite: So you see your Honour the District Attorney Mr. Hamsterton Groundbeef’s claim that my client put the cheese in the mousetrap that killed his cheeseaholic Aunt Elsie is clearly false.
If Mr. Hamsterton Groundbeef had bothered to check the facts, he would have discovered that my client has a severe allergy to dairy products and putting the cheese in that trap would have sent my client into a severe allergic reaction from which he might never have recovered.

Announcer: Once again proud Kia Cadenza owner Hairy Masonite saves the day and another innocent hamster goes free spared the gallows and District Attorney Hamsterton Groundbeef’s ineptitude.

Renfield as Hairy Masonite (standing on the steps of the courthouse and waving to his client): And in the words of the immortal Leonard Nimoy in his greatest role as Mr. Spock, “Live long and prosper.” (uses one of his hamster front paws to give the Vulcan salute for the Vulcan proverb Live long and prosper)

His client (waving on sidewalk): Thanks Mr. Masonite.

(turns and crosses the street and is immediately hit by a bus)

Announcer: The new 2015 Kia Cadenza.

Because sometimes it’s just safer to drive across the street…

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The General And The CIA Special Archives

September 3, 2011 at 7:41 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The General was touring CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia.

He was the director designate of the CIA.

He had served in both Iraq and Afghanistan and was a decorated soldier.

He had been called to Headquarters in Langley to receive a special briefing on a theft that had occurred at the CIA Special Archives.

“Special Archives?” the General asked his briefer.

“These are items that are so sensitive to national security that they’re not even put on computer for fear of attack by hackers,” the briefer explained, “so they’re kept as paper documents in a special secure fire proof safe on this floor.”

“And someone recently broke in and stole one of the documents?” the General asked.

“That is correct, sir,” said the briefer, “although one might use the term some thing. It was a hamster that walked into the safe when one of our agents was going through the Special Archives and helped himself to the file- that is the hamster helped himself to the file.”

“Hamster?” the General was flabbergasted, “you mean like one of those furry-?…”

“Exactly sir,” the briefer nodded, “one of those cute cuddly furry little things that are so popular with children. That ride their hamster wheels around and around in cages.”

“And you’ve got photos and videos of the hamster stealing the file?” the General asked.

“Indeed we do, sir,” the briefer said, “otherwise we wouldn’t have suspected a hamster. Hamsters are rather small in size as you no doubt know sir so that’s why no one saw it. But after the theft was detected, we re-checked the security cameras on this floor and through close-ups spotted the hamster.”

“And I suppose you lost track of the hamster?” the General sighed.

“We lost track of the hamster, yes, sir,” the briefer answered, “but not our rodent sniffing cat special agent whom we call Bourne Feline.”

“The CIA has a rodent sniffing cat special agent called Bourne Feline?” the General shook his head.

“Yes, sir, the cost of his cat food which comes under CIA special appropriations was a subject of intense heated debate earlier this summer between Republican and Democrat over whether it should be subject to cuts if the U.S. debt ceiling was to be raised,” the briefer explained, “it was almost a deal killer for the debt deal that is until President Obama asked his daughter Malia to step in and speak to a closed session of Congress and tell members of both parties what an extremely cute kitty cat it was.”

“A little child shall lead them,” the General quoted Scripture.

“I beg your pardon, sir,” his briefer blinked.

“Continue,” the General waved his hand.

“So Bourne Feline using his rodent sniffing skills tracked the scent of the hamster down to a motel room in the town of Mineral, Virginia which coincidentally was also the epicenter of last month’s major East Coast earthquake,” the briefer noted.

“And when our agents got there, did they find a hamster?” the General asked.

“No, sir, the hamster appears to have dropped off the face of the Earth,” the briefer answered, “when our agents got there, a British subject by the name of Renfield R. Renfield was busy banging the town’s very beautiful local lady of the evening.”

“And what are Mr. Renfield’s last known whereabouts?” the General inquired.

“Mr. Renfield was last seen floating down a flooded highway in Vermont,” the briefer briefed.

“Best to concentrate our efforts on recapturing the scent of the hamster,” the General ordered.

“Very good, sir,” the briefer saluted.

“Oh, one more thing,” the General turned around, “what was in the file that was stolen?”.

“The file relates how when Apollo 11 landed on the moon in July, 1969, they found a casket containing a vampire on the lunar surface,” the briefer related.

“Really?” now it was the General’s turn to blink.

“Yes, sir,” the briefer nodded, “when Commander Neil Armstrong asked what was to be done about the coffin, one of NASA’s senior higher-ups ordered Armstrong to put the casket and the respective vampire aboard the lunar module and bring it back to Earth.”

“A NASA top official ordered that a casket containing a vampire be brought back to Earth?” the General was incredulous.

“Yes, sir,” the briefer acknowledged, “in retrospect the decision wouldn’t exactly be considered rocket science.”

To be continued.

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The Renfield Rap Song

April 11, 2011 at 9:22 pm (Humour, Mystery/horror, Vampire novel) (, , )

My name is Renfield
so ya better yield
I’m a shapeshifter
with hamster whisker
work for a vampire called Set
so you better get
you think today’s Hell on Earth
you ain’t seen nothing yet.

I’m the coolest guy I know
feel free to bask
in my afterglow.
I want an invite to Prince William’s wedding
as well as soft sheets for my bedding.
For sandwiches I like tuna
I’ll knife but not spoon ya.

Better dead than red
though that be the colour
that you bled.

Some folks think I’m a psychopath
killed my teacher when I flunked math
now I may not know the square root of pi
but I sure as Hell know how to make you die.

Now Amadeus thinks I don’t know how to rap
but I say to him, “You’re full of crap”
This here be my song
Simon Cowell put down that gong
you better not gong me
or you’ll be up a tree
with your head hanging down
beneath your knee.

-A rap song written by Renfield R. Renfield
psychopathic shapeshifter hamster
and Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering
for the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
Monday evening April 11th 2011,

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