Renfield, The Tobacco Chewing Man and Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman

November 15, 2019 at 11:53 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Renfield, The Tobacco Chewing Man and Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting by the fireplace in a very comfortable sitting room in a lovely Bed and Breakfast place in the town of Tewkesbury.

He was sitting in an armchair, smoking a pipe, wearing a deerstalker cap and enjoying a glass of brandy.

“And how did your day on the campaign trail go today?” A cigar smoking and brandy drinking ghost of Sir Winston Churchill asked Renfield as he sat in the armchair across from him.

“Elementary, my dear Churchill,” Renfield remarked as he relit his pipe, “I visited a school and handed out milk and cookies to all the kids and took selfies with the teachers, parents and staff.”

“Are you still keeping track of geopolitics and international affairs as you go about seeking re-election?” Orson Welles’ enormously talented ghost took up most of the sofa as he smoked a cigar and drank a glass of red wine while sitting across from the fireplace.

“I am,” Renfield nodded, “I’ve discovered that there’s a U.S. deep state operative called the Tobacco Chewing Man who wants to annex a whole bunch of territory all over the world for the U.S.A. He wants to infiltrate the Alberta and Saskatchewan Western Canada independence movement and get them to join the U.S. He’s formed an alliance with the Lovecraftian Great Old One Cthulhu to annex Hong Kong and turn it into a U.S. territory with Cthulhu becoming the first state governor. They’re behind the most violent of the student rioters in Hong Kong. The Tobacco Chewing Man actually documented all his plans for U.S. annexation and world domination after he spent a year in jail following an unsuccessful beer hall putsch in Portland, Oregon. The book he wrote (while undergoing a severe bout of gout from overindulgence in eating roast beef and sirloin steak in a federal government run prison) he called Mein Kramp.”

. . .

Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman the Sheriff of the mysterious Aquarian Age hippy commune of Calypso’s Bosom on British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula (a mystical village that emerged from its marijuana pot smoking mists only once every 7 years) was down in the Arizona desert.

As he inhaled his Uncle Ernie’s Chemical of The Day that was mailed to him daily from Australia, he tried to remember what he was doing down in the Arizona desert.

Vultures flew over him and waited for him to die.

They’d have a long time to wait, Jackman thought to himself as he wiped the sweat off his forehead and helped himself to another bottle of Perrier Water from his golf cart.

His mule Saratoga moved on dragging the golf cart behind her.

It was then that Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman spotted a cactus.

Then it all came back to him now like Celine Dion in the middle of singing a hit song.

He was supposed to find a nice looking cactus plant for Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

That was his mission.

“A mission of vital national security,” as the Canadian Prime Minister put it to him in the Prime Minister’s Office on Parliament Hill in Ottawa.

“This is a nice looking cactus plant,” Jackman thought to himself.

He went over and cut off a slice of the cactus plant and put it in a planting pot on the golf cart (the planting pot had apparently been blessed by both Pope Francis and U2 singer Bono).

“Ouch!” Jackman suddenly exclaimed as the sensation of picking up the cactus slice in his bare hands suddenly reached the pain centers in his brain after the temporary delay caused by Uncle Ernie’s Chemicals of the Day.

He really should have worn gloves.

“That was a sacred cactus you cut off a part of,” a Hopi tribal elder approached him, “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

“I don’t,” said Jackman, “but thanks for letting me know.”

A U.S. Post Office Letter carrier who looked a lot like U.S. Postal Employee Norman Newman on the TV show Seinfeld approached the pair.

“Excuse me,” the vastly overweight and vastly sweating letter carrier said to them, “But I hope one of you gentlemen is Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman of Calypso’s Bosom.”

“I am,” Sheriff Jackman answered.

“Thank God,” the Newman lookalike wiped off all the sweat covering his body with his towel, “because I have a registered parcel for you from Uncle Ernie’s Chemical of The Day Club in the Australian Outback. Sign here please.”

Sheriff Jackman signed the form and took the parcel.

The vultures followed the letter carrier as he trudged off across the Arizona desert.

Meanwhile a Government of Canada jet landed nearby to pick up Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman and the slice of cactus plant.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 15th
2019.


One of the mirages that the Norman Newman lookalike U.S. Post Office letter carrier saw while trudging across the Arizona desert

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Britain’s Supreme Court Rules Suspending Parliament Was Unlawful

September 24, 2019 at 10:55 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Britain’s Supreme Court Rules Suspending Parliament Was Unlawful 

“Back in the 1970s,” British MP
Renfield R. Renfield told the BBC News Interviewer, “Mr. Justice William Morrow the first Chief Justice of Canada’s Northwest Territories said the end of Western Civilization would be brought about not by student protestors or the actions of foreign powers but by imbeciles sitting as judges on the benches of court rooms everywhere.
History has shown Chief Justice Morrow to be a 100% prophet. What alarmed Chief Justice Morrow was what he considered the vast number of imbeciles who were teaching as professors in various law faculties at universities all across Canada back in the 1970s. He said their erroneous ideas which would overthrow 1500 years of legal traditions and precedents in the Western world would be passed on to their students who would become lawyers and eventually become judges. This has now become the norm in Canada. A judge somewhere making a stupid decision is no longer news. It’s a judge who makes a sensible decision that’s now considered news. So of course there aren’t many real news stories emerging from the Canadian judiciary these days. But what was happening in Canada at the time was also happening in the U.S. and the United Kingdom. So the Age of Imbecility now reigns supreme in the judiciary of all 3 of these nations. Any appointment to the U.S. Supreme Court that does not meet with the approval of Wiccan airhead Alyssa Milano and her fellow Wiccan airheads across America is immediately accused of sexual harassment. And as for stupidity in the UK Judicial system, that can be seen by today’s ruling by Britain’s Supreme Court. On the plus side at least judges are showing what they truly are. The fact that Britain’s Supreme Court President Lady Hale chose to read the court’s judgement while wearing a giant diamond spider brooch on her lapel was at least honest. Poison is now falling across the land.”

. . .

After a day speaking and meeting with people at the UN General Assembly, Donald Trump decided to relax by spending time in an NYC karaoke bar.

Standing on stage was some long haired and bearded type who looked like he could easily fit into the band ZZ Top.

The man began singing an old John Denver song, 

“High Calypso the places you’ve been to,
The things that you’ve shown us,
The stories you tell,
High Calypso, I sing to your spirit,
The men who have served you so long and so well…”

Donald Trump asked his secret service detail, “Who is this guy? He smells of marijuana smoke.”

“I believe he’s a sheriff from some place up in Canada called Calypso’s Bosom,” one of Trump’s secret service bodyguards answered.

“And is this the Calypso he’s singing about?” Trump’s tongue started hanging out and drooling, “Some woman’s bosom? I’d like to go to the places she’s been to as well. And also see the things that she’s shown the men who have served her so long and so well.”

“I believe the Calypso was the research ship for French undersea explorer Jacques Cousteau,” replied another member of Trump’s secret service detail who looked a lot like Detective Dietrich from the TV show Barney Miller.

“Oh,” Trump looked disappointed.

The sheriff of Calypso’s Bosom was carried off stage while ranting about free speech, Charles Laughton and the many breasts to be found on the statue of Diana of the Ephesians.

“What’s he doing down here in the U.S. anyways?” Trump asked his secret service bodyguard who looked a lot like KAOS agent Siegfried from the TV show Get Smart.

“I believe Justin Trudeau sent him down here on an important matter of Canadian national security,” the Siegfriedish bodyguard answered.

“Did anybody here get the licence plate of that ET gray’s space ship?” The Sheriff of Calypso’s Bosom asked as he was carried off on a stretcher.

“That makes perfect sense,” Trump nodded.

. . .

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was walking through New York City’s Central Park when he came across the Chinese vampiress secret agent Mei-ling Manchu who had been tied to a tree by Cthulhu the Great Old One who was currently in New York City contemplating a run for the U.S. Presidency.

“I hope I’m not interrupting the filming of some new type of reality TV show scheduled for the family viewing time slot,” Dracul remarked as he untied her.

“Are you the vampire hunter who’s into tantric sex?” Mei-ling asked after she was untied.

“I am,” Dracul answered.

“Take me now,” Mei-ling said as she threw Dracul back on a pile of autumn leaves and mounted him.

Rudy Giuliani dropped the legal brief he was reading when he walked by and saw what was happening.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher 
Tuesday September 24th
2019.

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Artemis In New York City

September 23, 2019 at 10:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Artemis In New York City

The Greek goddess Artemis was renting a rustic looking room in a quaint old apartment building in New York City for the opening week of the U.N. General-Assembly as leaders from all over the world came to the Big Apple and the UN to throw the bull.

The Greek goddess Artemis looked out the window as a haggard looking descendant of the original Minotaur was walking the streets of New York City towards the UN building where he would be thrown around the podium by world leaders.

“Poor bull,” Artemis said to herself.

On the TV in Artemis’ room was the image of Donald Trump appearing on the screen telling the media that he had never said or done anything underhanded in his telephone conversations with Ukraine’s President.

“And there’s the biggest offender of them all,” Artemis said aloud.

The Greek goddess of the hunt was in New York City to try to prevent her brother Ares from using the General Assembly proceedings as a staging ground to get world powers to wage war against Iran.

In this matter of wanting to start a widespread global war, Ares had for his allies Thor the Norse god of thunder and Morrigan the Irish Celtic goddess of war.

Morrigan had already managed to convince German Chancellor Angela Merkel, French President Emmanuel Macron and British Prime Minister Boris Johnson that Iran was responsible for the recent drone attacks on Saudi Arabia’s biggest oil facility.

Renfield R. Renfield who was Britain’s Deputy Foreign Secretary in Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering had tried to argue in a video teleconferencing call with the 3 leaders that the matter must be looked at with sober second thought.

However Morrigan managed to spike Renfield’s lemonade (that he was drinking during the video teleconferencing call) with a lethal brand of Shannon River moonshine that was slipped into Renfield’s lemonade by Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun.

Therefore a most definitely not sober Renfield was unable to convince the 3 leaders to look at the whole Aramco oil refinery attack with sober second thought.

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing entered the apartment.

The vampire hunter was Artemis’ ally in trying to upset the plans of Ares this week.

Artemis and Dracul decided to test out the springs of the mattress on the bed in the apartment.

Zeus had lightning bolts come out of his head when he looked through the window and saw what his daughter was up to with the extremely James Bondish 007 vampire hunter.

. . .

Village of Calypso’s Bosom Sheriff Stonewalled Jackman who was on a top secret mission for Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau (although he had currently forgotten what that mission was) was walking through the UN building carrying several packages of Australian Uncle Ernie’s Chemicals of The Day.

He was stopped and invited to speak at a Conference On Climate Change by a UN official who thought the long-haired hippy looking Sheriff was one of the guest speakers.

Thinking they were candies, the UN official passed out the packages of chemicals to youthful Climate Change activists at the session.

Later on CNN that night, a CNN interviewer was interviewing Swedish teen climate change activist Greta Thunberg via livestream between New York and the newsroom in Atlanta when 3 minutes into the interview, the CNN newsroom director signalled that the livestream be brought to a screeching halt.

“Due to technical difficulties beyond our control, we are unable to continue with the rest of the interview,” the CNN anchorwoman informed the TV audience.

. . .

Meanwhile the South Pacific supernatural entity Cthulhu the Great Old One was meeting with Mammon the ancient Babylonian demon god of banking and commerce in the latter’s Manhattan penthouse apartment suite.

Mammon showed Cthulhu the posters he had printed up that Cthulhu had requested.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Monday September 23rd
2019.

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Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman In New York City

September 22, 2019 at 11:28 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman In New York City

Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman was in New York City.

The Sheriff wasn’t quite sure what he was doing in the Big Apple.

The dining room chef ordered Jackman out of the huge fruit salad that he was making.

Sheriff Stonedwall beat a hasty retreat.

All Jackman could remember was that Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau had sent him to NYC on a matter of important national security.

Only the Sheriff couldn’t remember what that important matter of national security was.

Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman had led an interesting life.

He had been born in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, Canada on Friday May 10th 1940 the same day that Winston Churchill had become Prime Minister of Great Britain.

His girlfriend the love of his life had broken up with him on Dominion Day (as it was then called) July 1st 1967 on the Main Street of Moose Jaw when he accidentally ran over her Love Bug Volkswagen with his farm tractor while looking for a place to park.

Furious, she had shoved his engagement ring in the place where the sun never shone.

Moose Jaw which wasn’t big enough to have a practicing proctologist in the city saw Thomas Jonathan Jackman buy a Greyhound Bus ticket to the Big City.

It turns out the Big City that Thomas Jonathan Jackman had bought a Greyhound bus ticket to was Vancouver, British Columbia on Canada’s West Coast.

Just as the U.S. Summer of Love (Summer of ’67) was about to begin in San Francisco, California so Canada’s Summer of Love was about to begin on British Columbia’s Lower Mainland and Vancouver Island.

Eating a dozen pieces of rhubarb pie during a Greyhound bus pit stop at a diner in Chilliwack British Columbia had cured Jackman’s need of finding a proctologist in downtown Vancouver.

And Thomas Jonathan Jackman found himself celebrating U.S. Independence Day of 1967 by smoking weed and inhaling chemicals with a group of hippies on Vancouver’s East Hastings Street.

Somehow by July 6th 1967 (the 20th Anniversary of the alleged Roswell New Mexico UFO space craft crash), Jackman had found himself in the Village of Calypso’s Bosom which was a New Age Aquarian hippy commune on British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula not far from the town of Sechelt itself.

On July 22nd of that year 1967, Thomas Jonathan Jackman had earned his name Stonedwall when he hit his head against a brick wall in the village while stoned.

No one was quite sure how the brick wall got there but according to the village’s visionary and prophet (who was later carried off by a pterodactyl on Christmas Day of that same year), the slab of brick wall had come from the future and was the inaugural piece of some wall that had been officially inaugurated on the U.S. – Mexico border by some golden urine hair coloured toupee wearing bozo named Donald Trump sometime in the early 2020s according to the said visionary’s visions.

The piece of wall was later destroyed when a cloud had rained several thousand tons of Mexican tamales from heaven.

On August 1st Lammas Night of 1967, after the character of the Devil from a future Susan Howatch novel had appeared to villagers, Thomas Jonathan “Stonedwall” Jackman was elected Sheriff of the Village of Calypso’s Bosom.

Not of course that the laws of Her Majesty Elizabeth II Queen of Canada were ever enforced in the village of Calypso’s Bosom as the primary diet consisted of marijuana (whose use was then illegal in Canada) as well as various chemical substances (whose use was still illegal today).

1967 soon became 1968 and 1968 soon became 1969 and all the years became blended into one like Lonesome Charlie’s blended milkshake of frogs and tequila (which drained a nearby swamp of its frog population and a nearby BC Government Liquor Store of its tequila products) which no one but Lonesome Charlie drank (thus earning him the epithet Lonesome Charlie).

Everything changed for the village of Calypso’s Bosom on the evening of July 20th/21st 1969 when all the villagers had assembled in the Village Square in front of the village’s communal black and white television set to watch the Apollo 11 moon landing.

When Neil Armstrong walked down the ladder of the lunar module and spoke these words, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for….” the TV went off, all the village lights went off and the entire village of Calypso’s Bosom vanished into oblivion.

It would re-emerge again once every 7 years much like the Scottish village of Brigadoon rises out of the Scottish mist once every 100 years, so too does the Sechelt Peninsula New Age Aquarian hippy commune of Calypso’s Bosom emerge out of the marijuana haze once every 7 years.

Disappearing in 1969, it had re-emerged in 1976 and had watched a peanut farmer win the U.S. Democratic Presidential nomination.

7 years later in 1983, it watched the height of the Cold War as a former head of the KGB Yuri Andropov had become the head of the Soviet Union.

In 1990, it again re-emerged (not always on the exact anniversary of its disappearance) and watched George H.W. Bush give a speech proclaiming a New World Order in response to Saddam Hussein’s invasion of Kuwait.

In 1997, they watched Bill Clinton “not” having sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky as an Oval Office broadcast was transmitted to their communal black and white TV screen by a Jeffrey Epstein owned satellite.

In 2004, they watched John Kerry reporting for duty at the U.S. Democratic Party Presidential Convention.

In 2011, they watched the Arab Spring unfold before it turned into a radical militant Islamist Winter.

In 2018, they watched Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou being arrested at Vancouver International Airport on the orders of the U.S. government.

The period of rest for Calypso’s Bosom was interrupted by Chinese government agents bringing a pot smoking desert cactus plant named Strawberry Fields Forever to the village and a few months later, the same Chinese government agents were again interrupting the village’s sleep by seizing the pot smoking desert cactus plant and taking it to a government re-education camp for transgendered Uighurs in the Xinjiang region of western China.

During that last interruption, Sheriff Stonewalled Jackman had foolishly left the commune of Calypso’s Village to take a swim on the beach at the town of Sechelt.

By the time he returned minus both his towel and his swimming trunks, the village had disappeared into the surrounding marijuana haze again.

Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman then got a job in charge of airport security at Victoria Airport on Vancouver Island (Sheriff Jackman was hired because he looked much younger than his age since he had had so many 7 year periods of rest).

It was there this past September 12th that a robot had driven the Federal Liberal Party Campaign Bus into the Federal Liberal Party Campaign Plane.

After a conversation with an intelligent squirrel at the Airport, Sheriff Jackman had discovered that the robot had been built by an electronics firm in Shanghai China that was owned by Mei-ling Manchu and Ho Babylon Minh who were both intelligence operatives for the Beijing government and the two intelligence operatives responsible for the butchering of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s pot smoking cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever.

That, Sheriff Jackman suspected, as he emerged from the depths of the fruit salad he was in in the New York City hotel kitchen, had something to do with the national security matter that Canada’s Justin Trudeau had sent him on.

It had to do with Mei-ling Manchu releasing photographs of Justin Trudeau wearing blackface and brownface.

It had to do with Mei-ling Manchu being at the opening of the UN General Assembly this week.

But that was about all he remembered.

He hoped he ran into that intelligent squirrel again who would explain everything to him.

He went back to his hotel room and opened a package that said Uncle Ernie’s Chemical of The Day Club (as opposed to Book of the Month Club) that bore an Australian post mark.

Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman inhaled the contents of the package and began singing,

“Fly little white dove fly 
way up high
Spread your wings
Sing out your cry 
across the universal sky…”

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Sunday September 22nd 
2019.


Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman encounters a pair of conspirators from the year 1944 as he sings about little white doves flying high and singing out their cry across the universal sky.

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