Renfield Discusses Pope Francis, Turkey and Belgium With Geeta Guru-Murthy

October 9, 2019 at 10:45 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield Discusses Pope Francis, Turkey and Belgium With Geeta Guru-Murthy

BBC’s Geeta Guru-Murthy was interviewing British MP Renfield R. Renfield the UK’s Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering.

They were discussing major happenings from around the world.

“Now, my first question to you, Mr. Renfield,” Geeta began, “does not involve strictly a political matter. However it has caused a great deal of controversy around the world and does involve a major global institution. The issue is of course the claim made by Italian journalist Eugenio Scalfari in today’s issue of La Republicca newspaper that Pope Francis does not believe in the incarnate Deity of Jesus Christ. What is your reaction?”.

“Well if Scalfari’s claims are true,” Renfield answered, “then we have the 2019 answer to that old question, Is the Pope Catholic? And that answer is, he isn’t.”

“Now regarding the situation in northern Syria,” Geeta went on, “Is it true that you sent your own personal Army Brigade of Gurkas over there to fight alongside the Kurds against Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s invading forces?”.

“It’s true,” Renfield answered as he ate a donair.

“And what do you think Erdogan has in mind in invading northern Syria?” Geeta queried.

“Well,” Renfield wiped his mouth with a napkin, “Erdogan’s attitude is if genocide was good enough for the Armenians in 1915, then it’s good enough for the Kurds in 2019.”

Renfield’s statement was met with a visceral reaction by the Turkish Ambassador in London who sent off a fiery letter of protest to the British Foreign Office.

Later when Renfield got home and was informed of the Turkish Ambassador’s note, Renfield thought to himself, “The Turkish Ambassador has obviously got his knickers in a knot.”

He immediately called the Sherrielock Holmes Dominatrix Agency to unknot the Turkish Ambassador’s knickers for him.

Later that night, the Turkish Ambassador was ambushed by 4 dominatrixes who pulled his pants down and cut up his underpants with scissors.

Geeta then asked Renfield, “What is your reaction to former Belgian Prime Minister Guy Verhofstadt’s severe criticism of the Johnson government’s handling of Brexit that he made during a heated exchange in the European Parliament today?”.

“It made me seriously wonder whether we the British were correct in coming to the defence of Belgium back in 1914 when the Kaiser’s Germany invaded the country,” Renfield ate a plate of sauerkraut and sausages, “After all the evil Belgian King Leopold II committed genocide against 10 million Africans when he established a colony in the Congo not to mention robbing that country of most of its wealth thus making Belgium the wealthy spoiled brat country that it is today. We have to seriously ask ourselves was it worth it for the British Empire to declare war on Germany to come to Belgium’s defence thus setting in motion the First World War (with its resulting 4 years of horrific bloodshed) when had we ignored Belgium’s plight, the conflict would have remained strictly a European conflict rather than become a world wide conflict? Was it worth all that bloodshed to come to the aid of a country that is home to the world’s worst makers of Belgian waffles?”.

Renfield’s comment was met with a vitriolic reaction by the Belgian Ambassador to London who likewise sent off a fiery letter of protest to the British Foreign Office.

Later that night, the Belgian Ambassador was likewise ambushed by 4 leather skirted dominatrixes who pulled his pants down and cut up his underpants with scissors.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 9th
2019.

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Reblog of Hyperion Zen: Notes From Afar

September 30, 2019 at 9:25 pm (Commentary, Culture, Inspiration, Life, Personal essays, Philosophy) (, , )

Here’s an excellent blog post written by my friend Daniel.

Notes From Afar

The strong riding crop of reason applied to the buttocks of imbecility, as Bela Lugosi would say, “What music they make.”

Dracul Van Helsing, daraculvanhelsing.wordpress.com

Sherrielock Holmes
Image by Eleine.com

For several years, Dracul, Sherrie, and I were a Triumvirate of Zen; prescient in our views, wise in our diverse experiences in life, and dear close friends. Dracul comes from a deep Zen of tutelage from his intellectual father and carries on that tradition as a Sage of Geopolitical and Religious satire.

Sherrie was raised as a jungle native of Sarawak, living a pure and natural life until civilization found her and embarked her on a journey in life she could never have imagined as a child in loin cloth spearfishing with a bow and arrow she made herself. She has the most ancient soul I have come to know with a wisdom of The Path (Dao) greater than any…

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Supreme Idiot Justin Trudeau and The Blackface Affair: Once Was Not Enough

September 19, 2019 at 10:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Supreme Idiot Justin Trudeau and The Blackface Affair: Once Was Not Enough

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was on the phone talking to his good friend the Chinese Communist vampiress and intelligence operative Mei-ling Manchu.

“So, you mean to say, Mei-ling,” Renfield had himself another shot of Old Taylor bourbon, “that it was you who leaked that old school yearbook photo of Justin Trudeau dressed in brown face at the school Arabian Nights Theme Party to TIME Magazine?”.

“It was,” Mei-ling painted her nails with a crocodile’s tooth dipped in Canadian business men’s blood red coloured nail polish, “we also leaked two other photos today. One was a photo of him in High School dressed up to look like Harry Belafonte and committing musical homicide on the song Day-o. That one he admitted to. The other was a photo he had forgotten about where he was dressed up as what the 1980s Thriller era Michael Jackson would have looked like if the 1980s Thriller era Michael Jackson had actually looked black instead of white.”

“Gives a whole new meaning to Vincent Price’s spoken words “Darkness falls across the land”,” Renfield had to admit.

“The midnight hour is close at hand,” Mei-ling turned over her blood red sands filled hour glass, “anyways we’ve got a bunch of other photos of him dressed in blackface which we plan to release in the next few days.”

“Justin has said he’s now forgotten the amount of times he might have put on blackface,” Renfield noted.

“He could blame it on smoking marijuana but then he told the media he only smoked marijuana once,” Mei-ling started putting on black widow spider’s black poison on her eyelashes as mascara.

“And his pot smoking cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever is now no more,” Renfield helped himself to some strawberries and whipped cream.

“Yes and our People’s Republic Ministry of State Security operatives are currently scouring the Australian countryside in search of Strawberry Fields Forever’s two twin cactus clippings children,” Mei-ling ate a fried kangaroo’s leg sandwich.

“Why does the Chinese Communist Party have it in for Justin Trudeau?” Renfield ate some frogs’ legs.

“Because that weasel refuses to release Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou from Canadian soil,” Mei-ling started eating some weasel pie.

“I guess this is what happens to Justin for spreading his derrière across both sides of the U.S. political spectrum,” Renfield ate his peanut butter and jam sandwich, “First he’s Barack Obama’s ‘bitch’ one minute. And then he’s Donald Trump’s ‘bitch’ the next.”

“Just wait until we release the photos of him dressed as Charlie Chan the Chinese detective (always played by Caucasians) movie character of the 1930s and 1940s,” Mei-ling ate her San Francisco chop suey and drank her Hawaiian coconut milk.

“Justin once played Inspector Charlie Chan?” Renfield was shocked.

“He did,” Mei-ling fanned her breasts with the severed fingers of Harvey Weinstein’s lesser known twin brother.

“I thought for someone like Justin, it would be more appropriate if he played the role of Number Two son,” Renfield mused aloud.

. . .

Justin Trudeau showed up at the media scrummage dressed in blackface and tearfully admitted, “I can’t remember how many times I’ve dressed in blackface.”

“Why are you dressed in blackface now?” A reporter asked.

“I don’t find that remark very funny,” Justin commented as the charcoal watered down his face like Niagara Falls.

When an aide signalled to Justin that the reporter was in fact correct, the Canadian Prime Minister screamed for a mirror to be brought to him.

Grabbing the mirror and seeing his own reflection, Justin remarked, “Oh shit. My wife Sophie was correct when she told me that I had put on way too much makeup this evening.”

. . .

Down at the Canadian Federal Liberal Party headquarters in Ottawa, a member of the National Liberal Party Executive was telephoning world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (the quite literally immortal lesser known twin sister of Sherlock Holmes) and asking her if she could come to Canada and tomato Justin Trudeau’s buttocks in an effort to stop him from coming across as a fool and having bimbo eruptions in public.

“Well that’s quite the impossible task you’re asking me to do,” Sherrielock admitted, “but then as Don Quixote sang in the musical Man of La Mancha, “To dream the impossible dream…”

Sherrielock Holmes: About to take on a next to impossible task?

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Thursday September 19th
2019.

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Anubis Raids The Jeffrey Epstein Ranch

September 2, 2019 at 11:50 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Anubis Raids The Jeffrey Epstein Ranch

A Fox News crew was up in Calgary, Alberta, Canada to see how world famous genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was spending his Labour Day Monday.

They noted Pan Goatee walking up to his neighbourhood shopping mall where he beheaded an ugly female cyclist on the way.

“On a bicycle now built for none,” Pan Goatee sang a very old song whose tune was only now heard on Ice Cream Trucks music speakers.

He then went to the Food Court and ordered himself a submarine sandwich.

He then ate the sub while reading Jules Verne’s 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea.

He wondered how Captain Nemo ended up a Disney animated film fish cartoon character.

He then left the mall where he encountered a fat ugly blimp carrying a terrified and screaming small child.

He beheaded the fat ugly blimp while whistling the tune to that old Second World War song “We’ll hang out our washings on the Siegfried Line…”

The small child was very grateful to get away from the fat ugly ogre as he ran away screaming down the street.

The Pan Goatee clip was followed on Fox News by a Tucker Carlson commentary in which Carlson said that Labour Day was a plot by the working classes to enslave wealthy capitalist entrepreneurs into paying them holiday pay if they had to work on the first Monday in September.

Carlson ended the commentary by smoking a marijuana joint and then shooting out the lens of the cameras by firing a semi-automatic pistol he had purchased at Wal-Mart a few hours earlier.

. . .

Air headed representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez had spent her Labour Day weekend publishing tweets in which she criticized the “supposed” masculinity (her words) of straight males proud of their heterosexuality.

British MP Renfield R. Renfield (a proud heterosexual) decided to get his revenge on the air headed representative for the aptly named Queens district in New York City.

If Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez thought she could act like a leftist female equivalent of Donald Trump and be prone to making idiotic statements in public, she’d have to face the wrath of Renfield.

Renfield had heard from his spy network in New York City that the airhead would be taking part in a Father James Martin SJ blessed Gay Pride Parade in her congressional district.

Renfield sent drones over the parade as the airhead (burning her bra with a pink candle) marched at the front.

As the airhead suddenly realized that she should have probably taken her bra off first before setting fire to it, the drones began playing on their loudspeakers Renfield R. Renfield singing in a Johnny Cash style voice his own paraphrased version of an old Johnny Cash song,

“Sodomites and their supporters got thrown into a burning Lake of Fire,
And they went down down down
And the flames went higher
And it burns burns burns 
The Lake of Fire,
The Lake of Fire…”

. . .

Anubis the Egyptian god of death and the son of the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had become reconciled with his estranged father this past Thursday and had celebrated the commemoration of the beheading of Saint John the Baptist with his dad by participating in eating some live crocodiles wrapped in freshly made giant sushi rolls.

Anubis was now leading British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s personal British Army brigade of Gurkhas in a raid on Jeffrey Epstein’s Zorro Ranch in New Mexico.

They were looking for the living disembodied heads of 12 Nazi SS officers.

Suddenly Anubis and the Gurkhas found themselves under attack by Mossad operatives and Israeli commandos.

It looked like Mossad and the Israelis would win the battle even against accomplished Gurkhas.

However Sherrielock Holmes and the Dragon Sisters of the Dragon Sisterhood of The Plumed Phoenix Dragon arrived on the scene.

They pulled down the pants of the Mossad operatives and Israeli commandos and tomatoed their buns.

The Mossad operative in charge, Star of Azazel, called a hasty retreat.

The 12 heads would end up in the possession of Set Enterprises as a result of the bun tomatoing inflicted on these errant sons of Jacob.

. . .

A black and white vision of the late film director Alfred Hitchcock appeared to Pope Francis
as he lay in bed:


Hitchcock spoke these words unto Pope Francis, “And Judas Iscariot went out and hanged himself. Go thou and do likewise.”

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Monday September 2nd 
2019.

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Sherrielock Holmes and The Raven

August 25, 2019 at 10:56 pm (Folklore, Gothic, Gothic romance, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes and The Raven

The year was 1899.

And Sherrielock Holmes (the dominatrix lesser known twin sister of world famous consulting detective Sherlock Holmes) was walking in the park with her scientist husband Dr. Louis Rocher (who, unbeknownst to both, was in fact the illegitimate son of the evil Prof. James Moriarty).

Dr. Rocher was demonstrating his latest invention – a camera capable of taking colour photos.

He took a picture of Sherrielock with a boastful talking raven who claimed to be the inspiration behind Edgar Allan Poe’s 1845 poem The Raven (a claim which if true the raven looked very good for his age).

He then took a picture of Sherrielock with a guinea pig.

Sherrielock was told by the raven that a close friend of the guinea pig- a red fox (who was a vegetarian- rare for his species) was in mortal danger.

The next day Sherrielock and Louis went to nearby woods and parkland to foil the fox hunt led by the notorious British fox hunter Lord Plumelington of Nausea in an effort to save the life of the guinea pig’s friend.

Lord Plumelington who was a practitioner of the dark arts had invoked Njord the Norse god of the winds to stop anyone from opposing his fox hunt.

Winds and water encircled Sherrielock like a typhoon.

A moment that Dr. Louis Rocher managed to capture on film.

And Sherrielock who was a skilled dominatrix became the first person in history to whip the wind.

She then jumped on a white horse and rode like the wind to upset Lord Plumelington of Nausea’s fox hunt sending his hounds scattering in every direction.

Sherrielock was indeed a true heroine and the fox was saved.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher 
Sunday August 25th
2019.

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Sherrielock Holmes Encounters A Mad Monk

August 13, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes Encounters A Mad Monk

Sherrielock Holmes

World-famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes had been summoned to the office of British Prime Minister David Lloyd George on the advice of Winston Churchill.

She was to undertake an important mission to Russia on behalf of the British Empire and the British Intelligence Service.

She was flown to Russia by aeroplane flown by her husband Dr. Louis Rocher.

She arrived in Saint Petersburg and set out for Moika Palace the home of Prince Felix Yusupov.

There she would deal with a man whom British Intelligence considered a major threat to both the Russian Empire and the Entente War effort against Imperial Germany, the Ottoman Empire and the Austro-Hungarian Empire.

However she was late getting to Moika Palace because she found herself being accosted by a horny American diplomat from the U.S. Embassy in Saint Petersburg.

The horny leech’s name was McDonald Grump and he had been a crooked real estate salesman and property developer in New York City as well as a notorious bully and racist.

Sherrielock tried to be as polite as she could but the horny leech would not take no for an answer.

Finally she kicked Grump in the balls and left him on the street.

“I plan to send a nasty telegram in 140 words or less about this,” Grump called out.

“Frankly, I don’t give a tweet,” Sherrielock answered as she continued to walk down the street without looking back.

“But I do,” Grump snivelled, “and I’ll have you know that someone like me will probably become President of the United States someday.”

“Probably not for another 100 years,” Sherrielock continued to walk down the street in the early morning hours of December 30th (December 17th on the old Julian calendar) 1916.

When she arrived at the home of Prince Felix Yusupov, she thought she had arrived too late to help eliminate the Russian Czarist government’s problem.

The problem individual had been offered cyanide cakes and tea by the prince.

The “problem” ate the cakes and drank the tea.

Then the “problem” man asked for Madeira wine which had also been poisoned.

He drank 3 glasses but still showed no sign of distress.

Around 2:30 AM, Yusopov went upstairs, returned with a pistol and shot the “problem” in the chest.

The “problem” fell to the floor.

Yusupov left and returned later to dispose of the body.

The “problem” rose up and attacked him.

He then ran out to the palace courtyard where the “problem” was shot twice by one of Yusupov’s co-conspirators.

The problem collapsed into a snow bank.

The prince and his co-conspirators wrapped the problem up in a blanket, drove to the Petrovsky Bridge and dropped the body in the Malaya Nevka River.

Sherrielock by some sort of instinct decided to take a walk along the Malaya Nevka River.

A good thing she did because at one point the “problem” man got up out of the ice bound river and attacked her.


Sherrielock Holmes about to be attacked.

Sherrielock used her scorpion poisoned laced pink fingernail polished fingernails to scratch the man’s arms.

He fell to the ground.

She pulled the man’s pants down and proceeded to tomato his buttocks with her Lingzhi Supernatural mushroom laced and English malt vinegar laced cat o’ nine tails whip.

The man finally gave up the ghost after crying, “My butt hurts.”

Sherrielock then picked up the body of the “mad monk” Grigori Rasputin and threw it back into the River.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 13th
2019.

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Sherrielock Holmes: Adventure of The Derailed Train

July 11, 2019 at 10:55 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes: Adventure of The Derailed Train

Sherrielock Holmes (the quite literally immortal lesser known twin sister of consulting detective Sherlock Holmes) who was Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises had taken the train from London to Edinburgh.

But the train had derailed a few miles back.

No one was hurt but Sherrielock decided to walk to the nearest town and rent a car.

She had been hoping to be in Edinburgh by dinner time.

She might still make it if there was a Rent A Car place in the nearest town.

She decided to take the train because she didn’t feel like driving by car.

But as luck would have it, her train was derailed.

She suspected deliberate sabotage.

Last night she had got a text message from Harvey Tallbanger who was Set Enterprises’ top spy and secret agent.

Tallbanger had run into the Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis in a restaurant atop the Eiffel Tower last night.

He suspected that Isis had something up her sleeve and was intending to make drastic moves against the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and his company Set Enterprises.

Sherrielock herself had been headed to an AI symposium in Edinburgh.

She decided last night to take the train after watching the 1946 movie Terror By Night (in which Basil Rathbone had played her brother in a film set in the 1940s which was actually a decade after her brother had died) in which Holmes and Watson ride the train from London to Edinburgh.

The title of the movie Terror By Night was taken from Psalm 91 verse 5 of the King James Version and was actually a reference to Lilith the ancient Babylonian vampiress, Sherrielock had been told by Church of England exorcist Rev. Fr. Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds.

Although Lilith herself never appeared in the film.

These days Lilith was involved in a campaign against the State of Israel (the vampiress was still livid over the fact that her good name had been libelled in the Babylonian Talmud).

And speaking of Israel, Sherrielock had received intelligence that Mossad’s most pre-eminent blackmailer of pedophiles in the U.S. political establishment had himself been re-arrested for pedophilia.

No doubt Mossad was anxious to get him out of jail and back on the streets again to continue to get Democratic and Republican politicians (a lot of whom seemed to have sexual perversions) back in the pockets of the Israeli lobby.

The Mossad agent, supposedly a billionaire hedge funds manager, even though nobody in the U.S. media seemed to know the name of the company he supposedly managed hedge funds for, was now in trouble with New York prosecutors whereas a dozen years ago he had been in trouble with Florida prosecutors.

“Love’s labour lost,” Sherrielock thought of that Florida prosecutor and his current position in the Trump Administration as she walked down the track.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 11th
2019.

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The Basilisk and The Fire At Notre Dame Cathedral

April 15, 2019 at 9:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Set Enterprises’ resident sanity challenged scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher entered British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s office with a face whiter than a ghost.

“Your face is whiter than I am,” the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill remarked.

“And me as well,” commented the ghost of Orson Welles who was still in a state of shock over the fact that someone commenting on Dracul Van Helsing’s blog had never heard of him Orson Welles.

“And whiter than I am,” added the ghost of the late Ugandan dictator Idi Amin who had dropped into Renfield’s office just for the Hell of it.

“It’s this fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris,” Rocher sat down and helped himself to a bottle of Renfield’s whiskey.

“A devastating tragedy for all of humanity,” Renfield agreed.

And the ghosts of Churchill, Amin and Welles nodded their assent.

Within seconds, Amin’s ghost was chased back to the Underworld by Hades’ 3-headed dog Cerberus since it was Underworld policy that dictators and despots inclined to ethnic genocide should not be allowed to leave the place.

Amin returned to his spit alongside King Leopold II of Belgium down in Tartarus.

“Look at these photos someone text messaged me an hour ago,” Dr. Rocher showed Renfield his phone.

“Unholy smoke, Batman!” Renfield exclaimed, “They show a Jesuit priest (wearing his Jesuit robes and a t-shirt emblazoned with a photo of Aleister Crowley) riding a medieval basilisk and setting fire to repair scaffolding at Notre Dame with the basilisk’s fiery venom.”

“But I thought basilisks died out with the end of the Middle Ages,” Churchill bit the end of his spectral cigar, “so the Renaissance pope Julius II wrote in his diary when he hired Michelangelo to paint the Sistine Chapel in celebration of the death of the last basilisk.”

“Undoubtedly one of those evil 21st Century Transhumanist scientists has genetically re-created a basilisk again just to show the world they could do it,” Welles sipped a spectral glass of red wine.

“That would be me,” Dr. Rocher did a bad impersonation of American comic Bob Newhart whenever the comedian was caught with his pants down- metaphorically speaking (unlike Bill Clinton).

“You recreated a basilisk?” Renfield was shocked (and resolved never to screw in a lightbulb on his own again).

“I did,” Dr. Rocher held his head in shame, “just to show the world I could do it.”

“What did I tell you?” Welles’ ghost finished his wine and thought back to a radio commercial he once did about frozen peas growing in the ground in Norway in mid-July.

“Oh, shut up, Orson,” Churchill’s ghost was getting irritated.

“And you let this Jesuit have it?” Renfield wiped his spectacles, “Don’t you know that a great multitude of Jesuits are a bunch of satanic perverts?”.

“This Jesuit stole it from the barn where it was being held for safekeeping,” Dr. Rocher blubbered, “along with a Nazi vampire who’s the last surviving member of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau.”

“These Nazis never get up to any good,” Renfield fumed over his glass of whiskey.

“Agreed,” Chuchill’s ghost affirmed as he fumed over his glass of brandy.

“Most Jesuits never get up to any good either,” Welles poured himself another spectral glass of red wine and recalled a conversation he once had with film director Alfred Hitchcock on the subject.

On the television in Renfield’s office, the Kraken Napoleon VI addressed the world media with the fire smouldering Notre Dame in the background.

“My wife Medusa and I were married in that cathedral,” the Kraken wept octopus (as opposed to crocodile) tears, “we had ourselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France in that Cathedral even though most French citizens never recognized the coronation. The Egyptian vampiress Isis pushed world-famous Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius to his death from the bell tower of Notre Dame. And Dr. Cadbury Rocher used the vampiress Isis’ secret laboratory below Notre Dame (which isn’t so secret anymore now that I just blabbed about it) to re-assemble the sub-atomic particles of the vampire Osiris after he had been disintegrated by a Russian laser death ray.”

“I didn’t know you had done that?” Renfield looked at Dr. Cadbury Rocher, “Does Set know you did that?”.

“He does now,” Dr. Rocher sighed.

Putting on a tartan kilt and a t-shirt emblazoned with a photo of Mel Gibson as Braveheart William Wallace, the Kraken swore to the world media that he would destroy whoever and whatever was responsible for the fire that engulfed Notre Dame.

“Wait until my great-grandmother the immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes finds out I was the one responsible for creating the basilisk that caused the fire that engulfed Notre Dame,” Dr. Rocher continued to snivel, “I’ll be unable to sit down comfortably for the next decade.”

“With all due respect, Dr. Rocher,” Renfield admonished, “with this devastation of a great French, European and world cultural landmark, the prospect that your buttocks will be in the upmost suffering and agony for the next 10 years seems the least pressing of all the major problems afflicting the world at the present moment.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 15th
2019.


The immortal world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes:
Will get to the bottom of whoever was responsible for creating the basilisk that caused the fire that engulfed Notre Dame

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Renfield Calls On All EU Countries To Leave The European Union and Save The Internet

April 1, 2019 at 10:27 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield had been so busy with the debate over Brexit and plotting to overthrow the governments of Russian President Vladimir Putin, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro and Pakistani Prime Minister Imran Khan that he had not been informed of Articles 11, 13 and 17 of EU regulations that would destroy the worldwide Internet as we know it and stifle freedom of speech, freedom of expression and artistic creativity leaving the Internet as a place where only those who buy and sell would be able to access the Worldwide Web.

“This is exactly the Mark of The Beast system of The Book of The Apocalypse or Revelation Chapter 13,” said Renfield who had attended Church for Mothering Sunday yesterday.

The Church’s regular Anglo-Catholic Vicar had been called away to Rome to help perform an exorcism on a Vatican Cardinal who was demonically possessed (the Cardinal was considered one of the frontrunners to become the next Pope after Francis).

The guest celebrant and preacher was a Calvinistic Reformed Anglican minister who ignored the readings for the day in the Book of Common Prayer and proceeded to use the occasion of Mothering Sunday to preach on the Mother of Harlots Mystery Babylon as found in Revelation Chapter 17 and the Mark of The Beast system as found in Revelation Chapter 13.

When Renfield found out about the EU regulations Articles 11, 13 and 17, he hit the roof.

As a group of workmen were brought in to repair the roof, they had to work their way around a group of environmentalists who had taken their clothes off in the Public Gallery of the British House of Commons and were currently mooning MPs over what they considered parliamentary inaction on earth’s climate change.

The gallery was cleared after a guest otter from DARPA was brought in who showed that otter flatulence could be as deadly to the environment as that of bovine creatures.

As MPs put on their gas masks and proceeded to vote on 4 different Plan Bs for Brexit, Renfield left the Commons to address the world media on Articles 11, 13 and 17 of EU regulations that would draconianly regulate the Internet.

Renfield spoke next to the statue of Sir Winston Churchill on the Thames River.

Said Renfield solemnly as he addressed the cameras and microphones, “I call upon all countries of the EU to immediately leave the European Union. Not only will this save Britain further embarrassment in giving the world the idea that the British have no idea what to do when it comes to Brexit, this action will also save the Internet as we know it.
As we know a bunch of assholes in the EU bureaucracy in Brussels want to turn the Information Superhighway (as self-proclaimed Internet inventor Al Gore called it) into a massive traffic jam with toll booths every 6 centimeters on the road. It’s high time we give these interfering busybodies in Brussels (whom Mikhail Gorbachev back in the late 1990s labelled the heirs and apostolic successors to the old Politbureau in the old USSR) the raspberry they so richly deserve. Such an action will finally wipe the eggs benedict and eggs Florentine off Theresa May’s face, close a possible Oscar Wilde and Lord Alfred Douglas “open backdoor” on the Ulster-Republic of Eire border and save the Internet and all its memes. After all, if there are no memes left, U.S. Democrats will have nothing to blame when they lose the 2020 U.S. Presidential election. They won’t have the Russians to kick around anymore for 4 more years of Donald Trump and his aesthetically challenged hairpiece.”

Renfield bowed to the media and then went over to talk to his friends Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont.

“Well, how was I?” Renfield asked as he adjusted his Larry King autographed bowtie.

“It was a good speech,” Angelique replied, “but are you sure, people will take you seriously?”.

“Why wouldn’t they take me seriously?” Renfield stopped trying to tie his bowtie, “I was being perfectly serious.”

“Do you know what date this is?” Angelique asked.

“The date?” Renfield looked perplexed.

Amadeus showed him the date on his smartphone- April 1st.

“April 1st?” Renfield suddenly hit his forehead, “Oh shit. April Fools’ Day. People will think I was joking when I called on all EU countries to leave the European Union.”

“And to think they could have left the EU and signed a free trade pact with the 3 Mexican countries that Fox News said Donald Trump was going to cut off aid to,” Angelique sighed.

“One should always start the day by looking at the date on the calendar,” the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill advised, “that way there are no misunderstandings and you don’t miss any appointments. When I was alive, I occasionally missed appointments with my dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes. Which meant my poor buttocks had to pay double, sometimes triple and sometimes quadruple the next time to make up for it.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 1st
2019.


Dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes advises to always check the date on your calendar.

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Atargatis and Van Helsing, Whitstable and Priyanka, Sherrielock Holmes and Maduro

February 23, 2019 at 11:55 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic, Gothic romance, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )


The northern Syrian mermaid goddess Atargatis in human form

The northern Syrian mermaid goddess Atargatis had shapeshifted into fully human form and was sitting in a luxury hotel suite in a swank New York City hotel in February of 1944.

A huge battle was currently going on between time travellers.

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was battling Nazi SS Ahnenerbe officer Franz Kohler up and down the corridors of time and various epochs in history.

Kohler was using the technology of Die Glocke a bell shaped space-going and time travelling Nazi UFO like saucer craft.

Dracul Van Helsing was using the Houdini-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr prototype magic lantern film projector to travel back and forth through time.

Also interfering in the time travelling war was the CERN Large Hadron Collidor in Switzerland being run by scientists who were indulging in far too much use of legalized recreational Canadian cannabis.

Also partaking in the pot inhalation was the Hindu god Shiva (whose statue was outside the CERN tunnel) who as a result was trying to conduct the Swiss National Symphony Orchestra into conducting a personal musical number that the deity was composing tentatively called Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony Meets Freddie Mercury’s Bohemian Rhapsody.

The first negative critic of the piece was Shiva’s wife Kali who was using all ten of her arms to cover her ears and when that didn’t work had fled to an artist’s studio on a quiet Greek island.

Now the conflict between Van Helsing and Kohler had turned to New York City in February 1944 a few months before the June D-Day Invasion of Normandy.

Van Helsing had just managed to evade arrest by Astana Kazakhstan police authorities for an assassination attempt on Russian President Vladimir Putin and the supernatural entity Black Dragon of Beijing.

The vampire hunter did have an alibi in that he was being spanked by and having tantric sex with the vampiress Golgotha (vampiress daughter of the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith) at the time.

But the Astana Kazakhstan authorities were the type to torture first and ask questions later.

So Van Helsing pressed the button on his Houdini-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr protype magic lantern and found himself in New York City in February 1944.

As a result of Orson Welles one of the inventors of the Magic Lantern (whose prototype was finally completed by Austro-American actress and inventor Hedy Lamarr) loving to direct films in black and white, the world Van Helsing found himself in as he was time travelling was often in black and white.

“So, Mr. Van Helsing,” the human formed goddess Atargatis greeted him as he landed on her Persian rug in her elegant New York City suite, “I suppose you’re here to ask, where have I hidden the Greek sea god Poseidon’s trident?”.

Van Helsing decided to engage in French kissing with the elegant black silk blouse and elegant white skirt wearing northern Syrian goddess instead.

As for the whereabouts of Poseidon’s trident… well that was all Greek to Van Helsing.

. . .


The mermaid Priyanka on the rocks at Vancouver’s English Bay.

Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol was walking along the beach at Vancouver’s English Bay.

He had spent the past couple of weeks traversing British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula trying to find Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s marijuana pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever who had been abducted by the Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu (the daughter of Fu Manchu) as vengeance for the Canadian arrest at Vancouver International Airport of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou.

The pot smoking cactus plant would be freed when Meng Wanzhou was fully freed.

The plant had been hidden in the pot smoke covered hippy village of Calypso’s Bosom (a New Age Aquarian Age equivalent of Scotland’s mystical village of Brigadoon) on the Peninsula that had vanished off the face of the earth back in 1969 when Neil Armstrong said “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for…” and there the transmission had ended when all the hippy commune members’ minds had blown simultaneously and the village had disappeared in a mystical marijuana laced mist of pot smoke.

The village/hippy commune only appeared once every 7 years for a single day and a single night.

Only supernatural entities such as vampiresses, gods and goddesses could access the village in the “meantime and in-between time” as an old Stampede Wrestling ring side announcer might phrase it.

Whitstable had hoped that by carrying the supernatural relic of the right hand middle finger of the last Knights-Templar Grand Master Jacques de Molay (the same middle finger that de Molay had raised towards his papal interrogators and his French Royal Army captors as he was being burnt at the stake on the night of March 18th 1314) in his pocket that he’d be able to locate the elusive village/hippy commune but no such luck.

It would be another few years before the village/hippy commune of Calypso’s Bosom appeared on its own again.

In the meantime Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was pulling his hair out (and might end up having to wear a toupee like his southern neighbour Donald Trump) until his pot smoking prickly little buddy Strawberry Fields Forever was returned to him.

As Whitstable approached the mermaid Priyanka leaning against a rock, he recognized her.

The mermaid might be able to help him with another case he was working on.

The Greek god of the sea Poseidon had recently reported to Interpol that his trident had been stolen.

“Excuse me, Priyanka,” Whitstable greeted the mermaid, “Do you know where Poseidon’s trident is?”.

. . .

World famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes was in Caracas Venezuela on a mission for the British government.

British House of Commons Covert Intelligence Committee Co-Chairman Renfield R. Renfield had decided that drastic action must be taken against Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro for Venezuelan Army soldiers gunning down innocent civilians who were trying to bring food and medical supplies across the Venezuelan-Brazilian border.

Sherrielock Holmes was across from Maduro’s Presidential Palace carrying a poison tipped umbrella.

The poison in the umbrella tip would render Maduro permanently impotent.

The only antidote to the “permanently impotent” poison would be a sperm transfusion from Donald Trump.

Something Maduro would be most reluctant to consider.

When Maduro left the palace, Sherrielock KO’d Maduro’s entire bodyguard with karate kicks.

She then injected the umbrella’s poisoned tip into Maduro’s penis.

The Venezuelan President was now permanently (as opposed to 95% of the time) impotent.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday February 23rd
2019.

Meanwhile in the room next door in the swank New York City hotel in February 1944, the Norse goddess Freya had knocked out Franz Kohler with a bottle of French champagne.

“What a sad waste of French champagne!” Freya thought to herself.

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