Sherrielock Holmes Meets Boris Johnson

May 24, 2020 at 10:53 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes Meets Boris Johnson

World famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes was getting her photo taken by world famous London photographer Manuel Murrat Merriweather.

She was getting her picture taken on her sofa in front of a Manuel Murrat Merriweather retouched photo of an old black and white aerial photo of New York City in 1931.

When the photo session was over, Sherrielock gave Manuel a spanking for not social distancing during the photo session.

Then when that was over, she gave him another spanking for not social distancing during the original spanking session.

And on and on it went.

Until there was a knock at her apartment door.

It was British Prime Minister Boris Johnson showing up for a previous scheduled appointment.

Manuel Murrat Merriweather left the apartment with his bottom tingling like the sound of caroling bells from a church tower on Christmas Eve.

His buttocks now resembled a Christmas candy cane.

Boris Johnson arrived at Sherrielock Holmes’ apartment because he figured he could use a good spanking since he had not demanded that his chief advisor Dominic Cummings resign for breaking his government’s own coronavirus lockdown rules.

People were thinking that one rule applied for the elites and another rule applied to the masses.

Of course, Johnson, being the Oxford trained classicist that he was, knew that had always been the case throughout human history.

However he figured that a good bare bottom spanking at the hands of dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes should put the matter to rest as far as the British public was concerned.

Johnson was starting to have second thoughts about his decision as soon as the spanking started.

His buttocks even more so.

The ghost of the late British Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill (sometime spirit advisor to British MP Renfield R. Renfield) came apparitionly through the walls of Sherrielock’s apartment because he hadn’t spoken to her in a while.

Churchill’s ghost found the whole spectacle quite distressing.

Not so much the sight of Sherrielock’s lovely tight skirted lap.

But the sight of a totally nude Boris Johnson across that lap with his buttocks a glowing tomato red.

Churchill’s ghostly appetite would be lost for the next week.

Johnson eventually departed deducing that this must be what the sting of a thousand Asian giant hornets must feel like.

He was followed minutes later by a mask wearing Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu who figured he could use a spanking for not resigning while facing bribery and corruption charges in the Israeli courts.

Like Johnson, Netanyahu and his buttocks were likewise regretting the decision minutes after the spanking started.

Meantime the ghost of Orson Welles (likewise an occasional spirit advisor to British MP Renfield R. Renfield) strolled apparitionly through the walls of Sherrielock’s apartment because he hadn’t spoken to her in a while.

Welles’ ghost likewise was distressed by the spectacle.

Again not by the sight of Sherrielock’s lovely tight skirted lap.

But by Netanyahu’s total nudity plus his buttocks turning tomato red (albeit a very kosher looking tomato red).

Welles’ ghost left the apartment in search of several dozen glasses of a good spectral red wine while Sherrielock quipped, “We will spank no Benjamin before his time.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 24th
2020.

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Marmalade Montague Encounters Dahud

May 16, 2020 at 10:50 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Marmalade Montague Encounters Dahud

Dr. Marmalade Montague, the eccentric ex-baker who now fancied himself the Court Scientist To The Court of Louis Quatorze (a scientist whose name has never appeared once in the annals of history) and thought he had somehow time traveled to the year 2020, was hard at work this Saturday night in his small personal laboratory at Set Enterprises in Canary Wharf, London.

Marmalade Montague had become convinced that the reason he had been transported through time from the Sun King’s reign to this year of 2020 was to find a vaccine or antidote to the Covid-19 Coronavirus.

He had been hired by Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher earlier this month.

Marmalade was oblivious to the fact that Dr. Cadbury Rocher had hired him not because of his supposed alchemy and transmutation of metals skills (which the self-declared “Doctor” Montague had boasted about) but because Dr. Cadbury Rocher had felt sorry for him- a baker who had lost his bakery due to lack of payment of rent due to his bakery being forced to shut down during the Paris lockdown.

Dr. Montague worked quite contentedly on his many recipes for developing an antidote to the Coronavirus.

One was a combination of thousand year old egg (considered a delicacy by members of the Chinese Communist Party Central Committee but by nobody else in the world who had even an ounce of sanity) and horse radish.

That combination was sent to some members of the EU negotiating committee (who were negotiating the UK’s withdrawal from the EU on behalf of the EU).

Later after job advertisements were posted for new negotiators for the EU negotiation team as well as funeral services being livestreamed for some recently departed EU members of that team, Dr. Montague deduced that the combination was not a success.

Dr. Montague decided to go for a walk with Set Enterprises’ panda bear named Genghis Yawn.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher had built a greenhouse at the Set Enterprises’ facility where the bamboo grown in it tasted as fresh and as good as those grown in China itself.

Being a Set Enterprises’ employee, Dr. Marmalade Montague had ID allowing him to walk the streets of London.

As did Set Enterprises’ security guard Gibson who accompanied Marmalade and the panda bear Genghis Yawn on the walk.

Gibson’s purpose was to roll the wheelbarrow full of bamboo leaves, stems and shoots down the street so that Genghis Yawn would have something to eat (for panda bears eat up to 90 lbs. of bamboo a day).

Of course Genghis Yawn didn’t really like to exercise while eating so Dr. Marmalade Montague didn’t get much of an evening walk.

First Genghis would sit down and eat his bamboo.

Then after eating all that bamboo, Genghis would then sleep.

So in fact, Dr. Montague didn’t get any walking done at all.

Genghis was wheeled home in the empty wheelbarrow (now empty of bamboo leaves, stems and shoots) as he slept.

Dr. Marmalade Montague went to his office (next to his lab) where he was starting to feel tired himself as watching Genghis Yawn sleep had made him feel sleepy.

As Dr. Marmalade Montague put his head back on his couch, a beautiful looking short skirted redhead entered through his office window.

“Bonjour, Monsieur. You are single, oui?” The redhead spoke with a French accent.

“Oui, I am, mademoiselle,” Dr. Montague smiled, “I am a widow. My wife was killed in a paratrooper parachuting accident in the Sahara Desert after she had joined the French Foreign Legion upon leaving me. Her last words to me as she went out the door of our apartment were, “I’d rather die than be married to you any longer.” I really didn’t expect her words to be so literal but that turned out to be the case.”

Dahud (for that was the sexy young looking French redhead’s name) pushed Dr. Marmalade Montague back onto the couch and started kissing him passionately on the lips.

At that moment London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering For Set Enterprises entered the room carrying a large Crucifix in her hands.

“Merde!” Dahud exclaimed as she got off the couch.

“Merde!” Dr. Marmalade Montague exclaimed as Dahud went out the office window.

“I came in the nick of time,” Sherrielock stated.

“I’ll have to disagree,” Marmalade Montague sighed, “Where did you get that Crucifix?”.

“It was leant to me by a friend,” Sherrielock explained, “It’s 70 years old and was personally blessed by Pope Pius XII.”

“Well,” Dr. Marmalade Montague remarked wistfully as he watched the short skirted and sexy pantyhose clad redhead mount a fire breathing black horse instead of mounting him the ex-baker turned Louis Quatorze court scientist, “It’s too bad it hadn’t been a Crucifix blessed by Pope Francis. It might not have been so effective.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 16th
2020.

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Sherrielock Holmes’ Night On The Town

March 7, 2020 at 11:57 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes’ Night On The Town 

Immortal London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (twin sister of the not so-literally immortal detective Sherlock Holmes who is dead and the immortal but extremely young looking great grandmother of Set Enterprises’ Chief Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) was sending out quite the positive vibe in the London nightclub lounge she was sitting in.

British MP Renfield R. Renfield had already accidentally knocked over the table he was sitting at due to the positive vibe he was getting.

Boyfriends were getting into trouble with their girlfriends and husbands were getting into trouble with their wives due to the vibe they were getting.

“No sign of the Coronavirus here,” a British NHS worker remarked as he stuck his head into the nightclub lounge.

“But never have I seen such a wide spread of satyriasis since the days of the great god Pan,” British Prime Minister Boris Johnson (who had majored in Classics at Oxford) remarked to his NHS guide who was giving him a nighttime tour of how Britain’s NHS was coping with the Coronavirus in London.

Renfield R. Renfield had meanwhile taken a picture of Sherrielock Holmes with his smartphone.

He immediately text messaged Australia’s infamous Uncle Ernie with the pic.

Uncle Ernie who was in the shower and checking text messages on his (hopefully for him – water proof!) smartphone immediately broke into a chorus of “I’m having the time of my life, I’ve never felt this way before…”.

“Uncle Ernie is sounding even more exuberant in the shower than his usual exuberant self,” the Australian poet David Redpath’s wife remarked to David.

“He is,” David had to admit.

The sound of one of the bathroom walls coming down around the shower could be heard.

“It looks like we may have to call in carpenters to replace one of the bathroom walls,” David’s wife commented.

David was trying to think to himself what Bob Dylan would write when confronted with such a situation.

Meanwhile back in London, Renfield was approaching Sherrielock Holmes’ table.

“I see you’re happy to see me,” Sherrielock remarked wryly.

“As always,” Renfield commented as he sat down.

“I hear my great grandson Cadbury had to bring back U.S. Vice-President Mike Pence from the brink of death,” Sherrielock sipped her drink.

“Yes, one of the City of London’s leading public relations firms was brought in to cover up that whole Coronavirus hitting the White House fiasco as the Trump Administration doesn’t seem to be doing such a good job of covering up such things themselves,” Renfield ordered a gin and tonic from the waiter.

“I hear Pope Francis has asked Hades to release Asclepius from the Underworld to help the Pontiff recover from Coronavirus,” Sherrielock licked a cherry from her drink which caused many men in the lounge to faint.

“That’s what I’ve heard,” Renfield nodded, “And an ET starship has apparently arrived from the constellation Ophiuchus (“the Serpent Holder”) as well since the Jesuit archivists in the Vatican Library aren’t sure which version of the Asclepius myth is true. Although they universally agree that nothing in the Bible is true.”

“I’ve heard that Pope Francis has cancelled his May 14th date for his Vatican Global Compact On Education Event and moved it to October 15th of this year due to his fears over the Coronavirus,” Sherrielock ordered another drink from the waiter.

“Yes his announcement of the New Humanism (which is really his proclamation that henceforth the belief of the Catholic Church is to be 17th Century Puritan Neo-Arianism and 18th Century Deist Unitarianism) will have to wait a few months,” Renfield sipped his gin and tonic.

“I understand a lot of celebrations of the Mass in the Catholic Church have been cancelled due to the Coronavirus,” Sherrielock took her drink from the waiter.

“And they probably won’t be brought back once Pope Francis proclaims the New Humanism,” Renfield nodded, “In fulfillment of Daniel 12:11 “From the time that the Daily Sacrifice is abolished and the Abomination that causes Desolation is set up, there will be 1290 days.” I ran into Amadeus’ friend Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds the Church of England’s leading exorcist this evening and in his opinion he says that it’s the Daily Sacrifice of the Mass is what restrains the Coming of the Antichrist according to Father Aidan’s interpretation of 2nd Thessalonians 2:6.”

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher 
Saturday March 7th
2020.

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Benjamin Netanyahu, Spitsbergen and The Tewkesbury Debate

November 21, 2019 at 11:51 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Romance, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Benjamin Netanyahu, Spitsbergen and The Tewkesbury Debate 

The debate being hosted tonight among candidates for MP for the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds in the upcoming December 12th UK General Election was on the subject of Foreign Policy.

Renfield R. Renfield the current British Transhumanist Party MP for the Constituency as well as the current UK Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering was asked a question by the reporter for the local Lux Cream and Bagel Chronicle on the matter of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today being formally charged by Israel’s Attorney-General with fraud, breach of trust and bribery.

Said the corned beef on rye eating reporter for the Lux Cream and Bagel Chronicle, “Mr. Netanyahu has described the charges as a “political witch hunt” and has said that the “authorities weren’t after the truth, they were after me” and has called on the country to “investigate the investigators”. Mr. Renfield, what is your take on that?”.

“Well,” Renfield finished off his 2nd 40 oz. bottle of Scotch whisky for the debate, “If I was Donald Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani, I’d be advising the Donald to sue Netanyahu for plagiarism and expropriation of one’s favourite turn of phrase x 3.”

The next question came from the reporter for the local Undrained Swamp Times and was addressed to British Conservative candidate (and former Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds MP) Agathor Christie, “Mr. Christie, at today’s impeachment hearing in Washington DC, there seemed to be a conflict between Republican and Democrat as to which country most likely interfered in the 2016 U.S. Presidential election- Russia or Ukraine. Mr. Christie, who do you think it was that interfered in the U.S. election in 2016?”.

“Well,” Christie was eating a bag full of Christie’s Chocolate Chip Cookies, “I personally believe that it was the Norwegian island of Spitsbergen that was responsible for foreign interference in the 2016 U.S. Presidential election. The hacking was done at computers at a popular jazz cafe on the island of Spitsbergen. This jazz cafe in Spitsbergen was first mentioned in a documentary that Orson Welles made back in 1973. The very same jazz cafe that was noted artist Pablo Picasso’s favourite destination during the winter months of the year…”

Christie was unable to finish his answer because he then passed out on to the floor.

“Well,” Renfield thought to himself, “we now know who was responsible for stealing and smoking that 20 gram bag of Canadian cannabis from Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster’s aquarium.”

There suddenly seemed to be a commotion in the meeting hall.

Renfield wondered whether an assassination attempt was about to happen.

Prior to the debate, Sherrielock Holmes the Chief of Security for Set Enterprises had informed Renfield that 3 different assassination teams would be after him tonight.

Russian President Vladimir Putin had sent an FSB assassination squad to bump Renfield off.

Donald Trump had sent a combined Israeli Mossad and Saudi Arabian hit squad (namely because he couldn’t trust U.S. deep state agency operatives to do his bidding) to bump Renfield off.

Pope Francis had sent a Jesuit hit squad to bump Renfield off.

Thus the meeting hall was stacked with Set Enterprises’ operatives and intelligence agents friendly to Renfield.

There was Set Enterprises secret agents Miranda Singh and Harvey Tallbanger, Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and South African intelligence operative Lepardia Marango.

South African intelligence operative Lepardia Marango: Backstage at the Tewkesbury constituency debate on Foreign Policy.

The four Renfield allied intelligence operatives moved quickly into action.

The light switches were hit.

The hall went dark.

And the 3 different assassination hit squad members ended up shooting and killing one another.

Renfield then invited his 4 intelligence operatives friends back to his B and B for late night tea and crumpets.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 21st
2019.

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Sherrielock Holmes On All Saints Day

November 1, 2019 at 10:33 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes On All Saints’ Day

From left to right- Estella, her husband British MP Samuel Poundsworth and Sherrielock Holmes (the lesser known but immortal twin sister of Sherlock Holmes)

“It is what it is,” Sherrielock Holmes remarked to British MP Samuel Poundsworth and his wife Estella.

Sherrielock was visiting the Poundsworth estate in northern England on this November 1st in 1936.

MP Winston Churchill was also a guest.

Earlier that evening, the four had attended an All Saints Day service at a church not far from the Poundsworth Estate.

After the service, as the four walked back to the estate, Churchill had remarked, “I don’t know if Germany’s Fuhrer Adolf Hitler is THE Antichrist but he’ll be as close to the Antichrist as you can get in our times.”

Poundsworth and his wife said nothing.

They had encountered Churchill’s rants about Hitler many times before.

In fact the entire British Conservative Party caucus under Stanley Baldwin was getting very sick of Winnie’s constant harping on the subject.

Sherrielock said nothing either but secretly she agreed with Churchill’s assessment on the subject.

That night Poundsworth and his wife heard a commotion coming from one of the guest bedrooms- Sherrielock’s room.

They entered and saw Winnie putting his dressing robe on.

He hurried across the hall to his own room, grabbed an easel, a canvas, his paints, a small chair and a very very extra comfortable cushion and announced he was going outside to do some nighttime painting.

Estella and Samuel looked at Sherrielock.

Sherrielock smiled and said, “It is what it is.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 1st
2019.

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Renfield Plots Revenge On British Commons Speaker John Bercow

October 21, 2019 at 10:42 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield Plots Revenge On British Commons Speaker John Bercow

“It appears the Speaker of the House of Commons John Bercow did not learn his lesson the other night when he was kept awake by Pan Deux’s bagpipe playing and a recording of Nancy Pelosi moaning and groaning while using AOC’s confiscated vibrator,” said a livid British MP Renfield R. Renfield, “he disallowed a simple yes or no vote to be held in the Commons today on the Johnson-Renfield Brexit deal.”

“This John Bercow must be a sucker for punishment,” dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes purred elegantly as she chewed on her cat o’ nine tails and smoothed her black leather skirt.

“He must be,” Renfield agreed, “Miranda Singh has just returned from Turkey where she successfully kicked Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan in the balls with her spiked stilettos this past weekend. I’ve now hired her to go to the Speaker’s residence and kick John Bercow in the balls with her spiked stilettos this evening.”

“And when would you like me to tomato his buttocks?” Sherrielock asked.

“That will be the last resort,” Renfield smiled, “I understand you used your intelligence assets to dig up dirt on Bercow for me.”

“On one of his acquaintances actually,” Sherrielock answered, “not on Bercow himself.”

The dominatrix handed the Transhumanist MP several photos of Bercow with another man.

“Who’s this guy with Bercow?” Renfield inquired.

“He’s the Australian billionaire violin manufacturer Murdoch Pertru,” Sherrielock replied, “who has been seen in Bercow’s company on numerous occasions throughout the years.”

“Australian billionaire violin manufacturer?” Renfield was flabbergasted, “I didn’t even know they made violins over in Australia. Where do they get the wood? They don’t have any trees over there in Australia do they?”.

“They make violins from recycled tires,” said Sherrielock.

“Make violins from recycled tires?” Renfield was now doubly flabbergasted, “I’ve never heard of anything so ridiculous.”

“It’s an Australian thing apparently,” Sherrielock smiled.

“Who the Hell came up with the idea of making violins from recycled tires?” Renfield demanded to know.

“Well it definitely wasn’t Murdoch Pertru,” Sherrielock replied, “Making violins from recycled tires was apparently the brainchild of a notorious individual nicknamed Uncle Ernie who blew his mind on acid decades ago. Uncle Ernie held the patent for the Ernievarius as the violin is still called but he put up that patent as his stake in an LSD induced high stakes poker game which Ernie lost to Murdoch Pertru. Pertru went on to become a successful manufacturer of Ernievarius violins and a billionaire in the process. Uncle Ernie went on to become a successful entertainer at children’s birthday parties in Australia. That is when he wasn’t spending time in the hoosegow for what he did during those parties. Today he runs a small mail order business called Chemical of The Day Club.”

“And what sort of dirt have you dug up on Murdoch Pertru an acquaintance of John Bercow?” Renfield asked.

“Well apparently Pertru spends a great deal of time at a seedy opium den in Sydney’s Chinatown,” Sherrielock replied, “an establishment owned by a mysterious and inscrutable individual who goes by the name of Inn Lu. I’ve asked Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster to psychically look into the background of this Mr. Inn Lu which Michelangelo will do as soon as his lobster tank is repaired after a mysterious explosion that occurred after I entered the room.”

“And what does Murdoch Pertru do in Inn Lu’s seedy opium den?” Renfield inquired.

The dominatrix handed the MP more photographs.

“As you can see looking at those photos, Pertru was caught in several compromising positions with sex dolls made to look like kangaroos,” Sherrielock smiled, “The fact that Bercow is an acquaintance of such a debased defiler of kangaroo sex dolls should prove to be highly embarrassing for the Speaker.”

“Indeed,” Renfield admitted as the terrifying image of Bercow dressed as a sex doll kangaroo entered his mind.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Monday October 21st
2019.


Sherrielock Holmes: Mistress of Intrigue

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Renfield Discusses Pope Francis, Turkey and Belgium With Geeta Guru-Murthy

October 9, 2019 at 10:45 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield Discusses Pope Francis, Turkey and Belgium With Geeta Guru-Murthy

BBC’s Geeta Guru-Murthy was interviewing British MP Renfield R. Renfield the UK’s Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering.

They were discussing major happenings from around the world.

“Now, my first question to you, Mr. Renfield,” Geeta began, “does not involve strictly a political matter. However it has caused a great deal of controversy around the world and does involve a major global institution. The issue is of course the claim made by Italian journalist Eugenio Scalfari in today’s issue of La Republicca newspaper that Pope Francis does not believe in the incarnate Deity of Jesus Christ. What is your reaction?”.

“Well if Scalfari’s claims are true,” Renfield answered, “then we have the 2019 answer to that old question, Is the Pope Catholic? And that answer is, he isn’t.”

“Now regarding the situation in northern Syria,” Geeta went on, “Is it true that you sent your own personal Army Brigade of Gurkas over there to fight alongside the Kurds against Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s invading forces?”.

“It’s true,” Renfield answered as he ate a donair.

“And what do you think Erdogan has in mind in invading northern Syria?” Geeta queried.

“Well,” Renfield wiped his mouth with a napkin, “Erdogan’s attitude is if genocide was good enough for the Armenians in 1915, then it’s good enough for the Kurds in 2019.”

Renfield’s statement was met with a visceral reaction by the Turkish Ambassador in London who sent off a fiery letter of protest to the British Foreign Office.

Later when Renfield got home and was informed of the Turkish Ambassador’s note, Renfield thought to himself, “The Turkish Ambassador has obviously got his knickers in a knot.”

He immediately called the Sherrielock Holmes Dominatrix Agency to unknot the Turkish Ambassador’s knickers for him.

Later that night, the Turkish Ambassador was ambushed by 4 dominatrixes who pulled his pants down and cut up his underpants with scissors.

Geeta then asked Renfield, “What is your reaction to former Belgian Prime Minister Guy Verhofstadt’s severe criticism of the Johnson government’s handling of Brexit that he made during a heated exchange in the European Parliament today?”.

“It made me seriously wonder whether we the British were correct in coming to the defence of Belgium back in 1914 when the Kaiser’s Germany invaded the country,” Renfield ate a plate of sauerkraut and sausages, “After all the evil Belgian King Leopold II committed genocide against 10 million Africans when he established a colony in the Congo not to mention robbing that country of most of its wealth thus making Belgium the wealthy spoiled brat country that it is today. We have to seriously ask ourselves was it worth it for the British Empire to declare war on Germany to come to Belgium’s defence thus setting in motion the First World War (with its resulting 4 years of horrific bloodshed) when had we ignored Belgium’s plight, the conflict would have remained strictly a European conflict rather than become a world wide conflict? Was it worth all that bloodshed to come to the aid of a country that is home to the world’s worst makers of Belgian waffles?”.

Renfield’s comment was met with a vitriolic reaction by the Belgian Ambassador to London who likewise sent off a fiery letter of protest to the British Foreign Office.

Later that night, the Belgian Ambassador was likewise ambushed by 4 leather skirted dominatrixes who pulled his pants down and cut up his underpants with scissors.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 9th
2019.

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Reblog of Hyperion Zen: Notes From Afar

September 30, 2019 at 9:25 pm (Commentary, Culture, Inspiration, Life, Personal essays, Philosophy) (, , )

Here’s an excellent blog post written by my friend Daniel.

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Supreme Idiot Justin Trudeau and The Blackface Affair: Once Was Not Enough

September 19, 2019 at 10:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Supreme Idiot Justin Trudeau and The Blackface Affair: Once Was Not Enough

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was on the phone talking to his good friend the Chinese Communist vampiress and intelligence operative Mei-ling Manchu.

“So, you mean to say, Mei-ling,” Renfield had himself another shot of Old Taylor bourbon, “that it was you who leaked that old school yearbook photo of Justin Trudeau dressed in brown face at the school Arabian Nights Theme Party to TIME Magazine?”.

“It was,” Mei-ling painted her nails with a crocodile’s tooth dipped in Canadian business men’s blood red coloured nail polish, “we also leaked two other photos today. One was a photo of him in High School dressed up to look like Harry Belafonte and committing musical homicide on the song Day-o. That one he admitted to. The other was a photo he had forgotten about where he was dressed up as what the 1980s Thriller era Michael Jackson would have looked like if the 1980s Thriller era Michael Jackson had actually looked black instead of white.”

“Gives a whole new meaning to Vincent Price’s spoken words “Darkness falls across the land”,” Renfield had to admit.

“The midnight hour is close at hand,” Mei-ling turned over her blood red sands filled hour glass, “anyways we’ve got a bunch of other photos of him dressed in blackface which we plan to release in the next few days.”

“Justin has said he’s now forgotten the amount of times he might have put on blackface,” Renfield noted.

“He could blame it on smoking marijuana but then he told the media he only smoked marijuana once,” Mei-ling started putting on black widow spider’s black poison on her eyelashes as mascara.

“And his pot smoking cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever is now no more,” Renfield helped himself to some strawberries and whipped cream.

“Yes and our People’s Republic Ministry of State Security operatives are currently scouring the Australian countryside in search of Strawberry Fields Forever’s two twin cactus clippings children,” Mei-ling ate a fried kangaroo’s leg sandwich.

“Why does the Chinese Communist Party have it in for Justin Trudeau?” Renfield ate some frogs’ legs.

“Because that weasel refuses to release Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou from Canadian soil,” Mei-ling started eating some weasel pie.

“I guess this is what happens to Justin for spreading his derrière across both sides of the U.S. political spectrum,” Renfield ate his peanut butter and jam sandwich, “First he’s Barack Obama’s ‘bitch’ one minute. And then he’s Donald Trump’s ‘bitch’ the next.”

“Just wait until we release the photos of him dressed as Charlie Chan the Chinese detective (always played by Caucasians) movie character of the 1930s and 1940s,” Mei-ling ate her San Francisco chop suey and drank her Hawaiian coconut milk.

“Justin once played Inspector Charlie Chan?” Renfield was shocked.

“He did,” Mei-ling fanned her breasts with the severed fingers of Harvey Weinstein’s lesser known twin brother.

“I thought for someone like Justin, it would be more appropriate if he played the role of Number Two son,” Renfield mused aloud.

. . .

Justin Trudeau showed up at the media scrummage dressed in blackface and tearfully admitted, “I can’t remember how many times I’ve dressed in blackface.”

“Why are you dressed in blackface now?” A reporter asked.

“I don’t find that remark very funny,” Justin commented as the charcoal watered down his face like Niagara Falls.

When an aide signalled to Justin that the reporter was in fact correct, the Canadian Prime Minister screamed for a mirror to be brought to him.

Grabbing the mirror and seeing his own reflection, Justin remarked, “Oh shit. My wife Sophie was correct when she told me that I had put on way too much makeup this evening.”

. . .

Down at the Canadian Federal Liberal Party headquarters in Ottawa, a member of the National Liberal Party Executive was telephoning world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (the quite literally immortal lesser known twin sister of Sherlock Holmes) and asking her if she could come to Canada and tomato Justin Trudeau’s buttocks in an effort to stop him from coming across as a fool and having bimbo eruptions in public.

“Well that’s quite the impossible task you’re asking me to do,” Sherrielock admitted, “but then as Don Quixote sang in the musical Man of La Mancha, “To dream the impossible dream…”

Sherrielock Holmes: About to take on a next to impossible task?

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Thursday September 19th
2019.

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Anubis Raids The Jeffrey Epstein Ranch

September 2, 2019 at 11:50 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Anubis Raids The Jeffrey Epstein Ranch

A Fox News crew was up in Calgary, Alberta, Canada to see how world famous genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was spending his Labour Day Monday.

They noted Pan Goatee walking up to his neighbourhood shopping mall where he beheaded an ugly female cyclist on the way.

“On a bicycle now built for none,” Pan Goatee sang a very old song whose tune was only now heard on Ice Cream Trucks music speakers.

He then went to the Food Court and ordered himself a submarine sandwich.

He then ate the sub while reading Jules Verne’s 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea.

He wondered how Captain Nemo ended up a Disney animated film fish cartoon character.

He then left the mall where he encountered a fat ugly blimp carrying a terrified and screaming small child.

He beheaded the fat ugly blimp while whistling the tune to that old Second World War song “We’ll hang out our washings on the Siegfried Line…”

The small child was very grateful to get away from the fat ugly ogre as he ran away screaming down the street.

The Pan Goatee clip was followed on Fox News by a Tucker Carlson commentary in which Carlson said that Labour Day was a plot by the working classes to enslave wealthy capitalist entrepreneurs into paying them holiday pay if they had to work on the first Monday in September.

Carlson ended the commentary by smoking a marijuana joint and then shooting out the lens of the cameras by firing a semi-automatic pistol he had purchased at Wal-Mart a few hours earlier.

. . .

Air headed representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez had spent her Labour Day weekend publishing tweets in which she criticized the “supposed” masculinity (her words) of straight males proud of their heterosexuality.

British MP Renfield R. Renfield (a proud heterosexual) decided to get his revenge on the air headed representative for the aptly named Queens district in New York City.

If Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez thought she could act like a leftist female equivalent of Donald Trump and be prone to making idiotic statements in public, she’d have to face the wrath of Renfield.

Renfield had heard from his spy network in New York City that the airhead would be taking part in a Father James Martin SJ blessed Gay Pride Parade in her congressional district.

Renfield sent drones over the parade as the airhead (burning her bra with a pink candle) marched at the front.

As the airhead suddenly realized that she should have probably taken her bra off first before setting fire to it, the drones began playing on their loudspeakers Renfield R. Renfield singing in a Johnny Cash style voice his own paraphrased version of an old Johnny Cash song,

“Sodomites and their supporters got thrown into a burning Lake of Fire,
And they went down down down
And the flames went higher
And it burns burns burns 
The Lake of Fire,
The Lake of Fire…”

. . .

Anubis the Egyptian god of death and the son of the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had become reconciled with his estranged father this past Thursday and had celebrated the commemoration of the beheading of Saint John the Baptist with his dad by participating in eating some live crocodiles wrapped in freshly made giant sushi rolls.

Anubis was now leading British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s personal British Army brigade of Gurkhas in a raid on Jeffrey Epstein’s Zorro Ranch in New Mexico.

They were looking for the living disembodied heads of 12 Nazi SS officers.

Suddenly Anubis and the Gurkhas found themselves under attack by Mossad operatives and Israeli commandos.

It looked like Mossad and the Israelis would win the battle even against accomplished Gurkhas.

However Sherrielock Holmes and the Dragon Sisters of the Dragon Sisterhood of The Plumed Phoenix Dragon arrived on the scene.

They pulled down the pants of the Mossad operatives and Israeli commandos and tomatoed their buns.

The Mossad operative in charge, Star of Azazel, called a hasty retreat.

The 12 heads would end up in the possession of Set Enterprises as a result of the bun tomatoing inflicted on these errant sons of Jacob.

. . .

A black and white vision of the late film director Alfred Hitchcock appeared to Pope Francis
as he lay in bed:


Hitchcock spoke these words unto Pope Francis, “And Judas Iscariot went out and hanged himself. Go thou and do likewise.”

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Monday September 2nd 
2019.

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