The Raven Rapper Sings A Rap Song

March 10, 2019 at 10:55 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, Music, News, Poetry, Politics, Television, Vampire novel, Video) (, , , , , , , )

Simon Cowell (a judge on the TV shows America’s Got Talent and Britain’s Got Talent) was having a dream whereby he was appearing as a guest judge on the Canadian TV talent show Canada’s Got Cannabis.

The premise of the program was the judges judged the talent after they had smoked a whole bunch of pot.

Simon’s fellow judges for the show were Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and the ET gray Gali-Gula (an ET gray from the planet Nibiru who was possessed by the spirit of the ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula).

The cactus plant juggling penguin who was covered in bandaids made Justin think sadly of his own marijuana smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever who was being held prisoner at a Chinese Communist re-education camp for transgendered Uighurs in the Xinjiang region of eastern China.

As the penguin was being carried off stage on a stretcher to a waiting ambulance, Justin Trudeau received a text message on his Huawei smart phone that hundreds of thousands of jobs were being lost in the Canadian province of Alberta.

“Who cares?” Justin yawned and shrugged and helped himself to some more cannabis cookies.

Justin had fond memories from his childhood of his father Pierre Elliott giving Albertans the raised middle finger from the window of a train as they rode through Banff National Park.

The next act was a giant gorilla who would be climbing up Toronto’s CN Tower to rescue a screaming Kim Kardashian who was at the top.

He would be doing this as he was buzzed by drones resembling World War I biplanes and triplanes.

As the body of the late Kong was loaded into a hearse big enough to fit him, Justin received a text message on his Huawei that thousands of jobs might be lost in the Canadian province of Quebec.

“Oh shit, I gotta go,” Justin cried and ran out the auditorium, “Maybe I can pressure Jody Wilson-Raybould to do something. Oh shit, she’s resigned from the cabinet.”

The next act appeared on stage as the remaining Simon Cowell and Gali-Gula smoked their tokes.

“And so, what’s your story?” Simon asked the next act as he hummed the tune to the song I Dreamed A Dream from the musical Les Miserables.

“Well,” a giant raven appeared on stage, “I’m a raven and I’m immortal and I’m the same raven who once sat on a bust of Pallas Athena in Edgar Allan Poe’s lodgings over a century and a half ago.”

“How positively dreary,” Cowell remarked as the show approached the midnight hour.

The raven broke into his rap song,

“Oh yes, it’s true that I’m a raven
you might think I’m rather craven
sitting atop Athena’s head
as if it were my own bed
even if I shout “Nevermore”
as I come rapping at your door
while you sing praises of lost Lenore
stop nodding your head weak and weary
stop crying with your eyes so bleary
don’t you know Lenore’s gone for good
That’s the saying in the hood
take your punishment like a man
and stop throwing kleenex in the can
Think of it as bleak December
stop trying to remember
let your mind be like a dying ember
cast out your thoughts of lost Lenore
while I find my way to the door
my parting words, Nevermore.

-A vampire novel chapter
and rap song
written by Christopher
Sunday March 10th

The Raven’s advice: Time to give up thoughts of Lenore

Permalink 18 Comments

Cthulhu Threatens Vengeance On America For Sacred Riana Being Voted Off AGT: A Horror Poem

August 22, 2018 at 10:39 pm (Avatar Speaks, Celebrities, Entertainment, Folklore, Ghost Story, Horror, Humour, International Intrigue, Literature, love, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, Television, The Occult, The Supernatural, Theatre Arts, TV Shows) (, , , , , , , )

Cthulhu Threatens Vengeance On America For Sacred Riana Being Voted Off AGT: A Horror Poem

It was the city proud to be oh so happy and gay
not so the creature now dwelling in the Bay
San Francisco felt a shaking
and it wasn’t earthquaking
It was Cthulhu as mad as Hell
but not at Mel B. or Simon Cowell
Howie Mandel was likewise all right
but Heidi Klum got a fright in the night
A tentacle 🐙 grabbed her leg
and it wasn’t Trump taken down a peg

For Cthulhu was in love with the Sacred Riana
like King King showing Fay Wray his big banana
He was expecting his favourite magician to go all the way
not burnt to ashes like a voodoo doll on a hot summer day

For America had voted Riana out
as Heidi complained of leg pain worse than gout
And now America would pay a very high price
and it wouldn’t be tariffs on chicken fried rice 🍚

A creature from the Lovecraftian Mythos
was with the land of the free extremely cross
No need to worry about Putin, Iran or Kim
For America, Cthulhu now has it in
It will drown in blood
like a raging flood
Fake news or not
but tentacles 🦑 of death shall hit the spot
and of making the land great again, it shall all come to not.

-A comic horror poem
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 22nd

The Sacred Riana is Cthulhu’s queen
She ascended a fiery wall before commercial break scene
She was crawling up to be crowned the Queen of Hell
from the Beast like creature who at the bottom of the sea 🌊 does dwell

Permalink 17 Comments

Haiku About Scottish Singer Susan Boyle’s 2009 Appearance On Britain’s Got Talent

July 18, 2015 at 7:32 pm (Entertainment, Music, Musicals, Poetry, Songs, Television, TV Shows) (, , , , , , , , )

Haiku About Scottish Singer Susan Boyle’s 2009 Appearance On Britain’s Got Talent

She did dream a dream
wowing stern Simon Cowell
dreams sometimes come true

Permalink 3 Comments

Renfield Seeks A Knighthood

March 16, 2014 at 6:06 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield Seeks A Knighthood

Amadeus Emanon and Athelstan the butler were having a tough time around the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set these days.

For Renfield R. Renfield had become an insufferable braggard.

Well even more of an insufferable braggard than usual.

He had returned from Paris almost a month ago after being hailed as a national hero by the French for cutting off the ear of the most unpopular judge on the Parisienne Idol talent show.

Now it was said by many that Renfield was the genetically created shapeshifting hamster/human that Simon Cowell was most afraid of.

In addition to that, Renfield had recently started watching the American television show The Blacklist.

Now he was busy boasting to Amadeus and Athelstan that the show’s character of Raymond “Red” Reddington was most likely modeled on him Renfield R. Renfield.

“Notice that even our initials are the same- R. R. R.,” Renfield bragged.

And of course Renfield had never let anyone forget the fact that he had been nominated for the French Legion of Honour Medal for cutting off the Parisienne Idol judge’s ear.

Even the Vampire Set had been spending most of his time either outside the mansion giving advice to the Bank of England or safely locked away in his sarcophagus in the mansion’s Egyptology Room as part of his effort to escape Renfield’s nauseating bragging.

“Even the Paris atmosphere likes me,” Renfield boasted after downing several kegs of Newcastle Brown Ale which he had mistaken for barrels of naturally pure London rainwater, “when I was in Paris, the air was clear. Now the City is enveloped in smog with me gone.”

The ghastly Paris smog had caused the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis to be rushed to hospital after she flew into the Eiffel Tower while she was out flying because she couldn’t see where she was going due to the heavy smog.

While being admitted to the hospital emergency room, she did a lot of complaining not because of her injuries but because she had ruined her €50,000 Versace evening dress.

Now Renfield R. Renfield’s next goal in life was to receive a knighthood from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

“Do you suppose Her Majesty the Queen will ever give me a knighthood?” Renfield had asked Athelstan causing the butler to spill tea and crumpets all over himself when Renfield asked the question.

After reading a blog entry written by his boss Set’s mortal enemy (as opposed to Set’s immortal enemy the Vampiress Isis) the Canadian vampire hunter Christopher Dracul Van Helsing, Renfield got an idea.

Being the excellent hacker he was, he started hacking into various communications systems all over the Asia-Pacific and Indian Ocean regions.

Finally Renfield noticed a very intriguing pattern as he analyzed various satellite and tracking maps.

“Malaysia used to be a British colony didn’t it, Athelstan?” Renfield asked the encyclopedically knowledgeable butler and valet.

“Yes, sir,” Athelstan answered as he carefully carried the tray of tea and crumpets down the hallway.

“Do you suppose the Queen would give me a knighthood if I was the one who found the location of the missing Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370?” Renfield asked.

A loud crash could be heard coming from the hallway.

“I was so looking forward to that plate of tea and crumpets,” Amadeus sighed from the next room.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 16th

Permalink Leave a Comment