Barack Obama’s BBC Interview

June 5, 2020 at 10:46 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Barack Obama’s BBC Interview

Former U.S. President Barack Obama was being interviewed by the BBC’s Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys.

“One final question before you go, Mr. President,” Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys ate a delivery sandwich from Brucie’s Baloney Parlour, “With this intense global Covid-19 lockdown going on all over the world, do you think it’s possible that there are a great many people who are becoming totally unhinged and outright crazy as a result of being locked down in their homes?”.

“Yes, Sir Valk,” Obama nodded, “I think it’s been happening in great droves. For example there’s one lunatic in your own country who thinks that just because Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam wants to erect a 666 foot statue of himself in the Virginia state capital of Richmond that this is somehow going to affect my own popularity on the continent of Africa. And when confronted with this logic (or lack thereof), one’s first thought is, what does this have to do with the price of tea in China? Or even the price of asphalt in Afghanistan for that matter?”.

“It doesn’t make much sense,” Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys started choking on his Brucie’s Baloney sandwich.

“No, it doesn’t,” Obama agreed, “And the same lunatic also thinks that there’s been no civil wars happening in Libya or Syria since 2011. If there was no civil war happening in Libya, then how did Col. Muammar Gaddafi die as a result of being seized off the back of a truck by a mob and having a red hot poker shoved up his ass? If there was no civil war in Libya, then how come the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi was attacked in 2012 with 4 people being killed and 10 others were wounded? If there is no civil war in Libya, then why are two different governments claiming sovereignty over the entire country? A government in Tobruk headed by Marshal Khalifa Haftar the commander-in-chief of the Libyan National Army. And a government in Tripoli called the Government of National Accord headed by Prime Minister Fayez al-Sarrad?.”

“What about the non-existent Civil War in Syria as the lunatic claims?” Sir Valk was starting to feel a sudden attack of diarrhea as a result of eating the Brucie’s Baloney sandwich.

“If there is no Civil War in Syria,” Obama shook his head, “then why were chemical weapons used against civilians in Syria? Were the authorities just hoping to find a way of finally ending the world’s longest cribbage tournament which was going on in that country? And why did I threaten to launch missile attacks against Assad if there was no civil war going on and no chemical weapons attacks against civilians? Was it just because I happened to have a bad day on the golf course? And how did Daesh (the ISIS Islamic State) manage to seize such a large swathe of Syria and start beheading Christians if there was no Civil War going on at the time? Why did millions of Syrians flee their country and start immigrating to Europe if there was no civil war going on? Did they just suddenly start developing a hankering for the many different varieties of European climate?”.

Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys realized that the formerly white seat of his white chair was now coloured a very vivid brown.

He looked over at the clock.

It was approaching the 11th hour.

Two U.S. Episcopalian priests dressed in drag and both reading books titled Carl Jung’s Theory of Projecting Onto Others were likewise undergoing attacks of diarrhea from having eaten Brucie’s Baloney Parlour Sandwiches.

“On the plus side,” Barack Obama smiled, “British MP Renfield R. Renfield says I’m cool enough to be the Antichrist. Whereas both Bill Gates and Ralph Northam are too dull, bland and boring to be the Antichrist. Not of course that I am the Antichrist. Michelle probably wouldn’t let me. She’d figure that if I became the Antichrist, I might use that as an excuse to stop doing chores around the house.”

“So, what are your plans for the rest of the day?” Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys asked whose own immediate plans included changing his underwear.

“Well, I’ve been asked to livestream a performance of reciting Mark Antony’s I’ve Come To Bury Caesar Not To Praise Him speech from William Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar to a high school graduating class holding their ceremony over the Internet, ” Obama smiled, “a speech laden with sardonic irony.”

Sir Humphreys looked over in the direction of his news producer’s office where the producer’s dog Caesar had eaten the rest of the sandwiches in the delivery bag from Brucie’s Baloney Parlour.

The dog Caesar was now doing an instantaneous colour redecorating of the producer’s office furniture and floor.

Sir Humphreys reckoned that the producer would likewise be giving an I’ve Come To Bury Caesar Not To Praise Him speech before the day was over.

But one a little less laden with sardonic irony.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 5th 
2020.

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An Elk, Cthulhu and The Antichrist

June 2, 2020 at 10:54 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Science, Sorcery, Technology, The Occult, The Supernatural, theatre, Theatre Arts, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

An Elk, Cthulhu and The Antichrist

Monsieur Philippe Geoffrei Gaston a TV reporter for France 24 Live (which is France’s 24/7¬†international news TV channel) was interviewing British MP Renfield R. Renfield to get a British perspective on Britain leaving the EU.

Renfield was eating malt vinegar covered Fish and Chips wrapped in the Times of London newspaper, drinking brown ale and eating gulab jamun for dessert which as the British MP told the French journalist would definitely be considered the most typical British cuisine in the year 2020.

“Boris Johnson says he wants a final deal between Britain and the EU before December 31st of this year or otherwise it’s a no deal Brexit,” Gaston noted, “Do you think a final deal is possible before that date?”.

“No, it will probably turn out to be a no deal Brexit,” Renfield wiped his mouth with a napkin.

“And why is that?” Gaston asked.

“Because the Europeans are so unreasonable about everything,” Renfield lit a cigar.

“Well,” Gaston frowned, “as a Brit waving good-bye to Europe, what do you think would be the best thing to happen to Europe?”.

“The best thing to happen to Europe is if a Bourbon once again sat on a restored French throne, a Hapsburg sat on a restored Austro-Hungarian throne and a Romanov sat on a restored Russian Czarist throne,” Renfield answered, as with his heavy cigar smoke, he set fire to a small bookshelf behind him on which sat three books entitled respectively The Legacy of The French Revolution, The Legacy of Woodrow Wilson and The Legacy of Lenin.

Startled by this answer, Monsieur Gaston with his cigarette accidentally set fire to the small French tricoloured flag that sat on his desk.

The interview came to an abrupt end and Renfield was then interviewed by a BBC reporter.

Towards the end of that interview, Renfield was asked by the BBC reporter Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys on whether or not Bill Gates could be the Antichrist.

“No, Bill Gates is far too bland, boring and nerdy to be the Antichrist,” Renfield answered, “his vaccine implant tracking system could pave the way for the Antichrist’s Mark of The Beast system so in that way Gates could be a forerunner. But Gates just doesn’t have that necessary cool to be the Antichrist. Lucifer is not only intelligent but also an artist who likes to dazzle with his beauty. So Gates doesn’t quite cut the mustard. Although he most likely does cut the cheese.”

Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys was quite taken aback by this answer.

Humphreys’ assistant, a man dressed in a British army captain’s uniform and wearing a peacock mask over his face, enters the room where the BBC reporter is livestreaming, “Are you free, Mr. Humphreys? We’d like you to look at some video footage of Donald Trump getting a cream pie in the face thrown by an invisible entity while Trump was surrounded by Evil Empire Stormtrooper looking Military Police as black military helicopters were hovering overhead in the background. One of our video technicians, who in my opinion has been drinking far too many Harvey Wallbangers on the job, claims that it was a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears who did it. We’d like your opinion.”

“Not now,” Humphreys foamed, “I’m busy interviewing Renfield. Ask Mr. Lucas.”

“Mr. Lucas, are you free?” The peacock masked wearing army captain ran down the hall.

Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys turned back to Renfield.

“So you think the Antichrist will be an artist?” Humphreys inquired.

“Yes, it will be a scientific technocratic world state that the Antichrist will be running,” Renfield answered, “But the Antichrist won’t come across as being a scientific technocrat himself as those of a strictly scientific technocratic personality are generally quite bland and boring. Most people would probably prefer being beheaded rather than pledging fealty to or offering worship to such a personality. However someone who is quite artistic and flamboyant the people would have no problem following or even worshipping. The Mexican artist Diego Rivera asked Leon Trotsky in 1938 who he thought would genuinely win the most popularity in a worldwide election if one were held, Hitler or Stalin? And Trotsky answered Hitler because Stalin too much acted the stiff technocratic scientific socialist in his personality and demeanour (unlike the smiling demeanour that Stalin was portrayed as having in Soviet art propaganda) whereas Hitler had the dramatic showmanship of an artist and could easily capture people’s emotions and feelings.”

. . .

Outside the CERN Large Hadron Collider Tunnel in Switzerland, the demon Asmodeus and the little green frog Nimrod were having a picnic.

Nimrod was adding black flies to a sandwich while Asmodeus was lighting a cigarette.

A hundreds of meters tall creature with an octopus head, the wings of a dragon and the body of a human with webbed looking human arms and legs emerged from the tunnel.

“Isn’t that Cthulhu the High Priest of the Great Old Ones and the Sleeper of R’lyeh coming out of the tunnel?” Nimrod asked.

“I believe it is,” Asmodeus put on his monocle to look.

Cthulhu was followed by an elk.

“Isn’t that an elk?” Nimrod put peanut butter and jam on his black flies.

Asmodeus struggled between lighting his cigarette and putting his monocle on his right eye again, “I believe it is.”

“What’s Cthulhu doing emerging from the CERN tunnel with an elk?” Nimrod wanted to know.

“Well, I wouldn’t go down that rabbit hole if I were you,” Asmodeus was trying to decide between buffalo gryphon’s wings or teriyaki gryphon’s wings from his KFC Hybrids Bucket.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 2nd
2020.

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