The Cat Who Took Up Breakdancing: A Poem

April 18, 2015 at 6:02 pm (Commentary, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, News, Poetry, Satire) (, , , )

The Cat Who Took Up Breakdancing: A Poem

There was a cat named Absalom
who had his own site at dot dot com
since social networkers loved cat pictures
he would quite often pose with his whiskers
and receive gazillions of likes
from grannies to tikes
his pic adorned wind mills along with Dutch dikes.

Now he was a cool cat who lived in a neighbourhood that had gone to the dogs
in a factory town that had lost both its wheels and its cogs
He decided to try something new
and so after giving a cat’s me-ew
he took up breakdancing
a new style of prancing
He tried it on cars giving them dents
and then he tried it on a white picket fence
when he found that to be a real pain in the ass
he decided to try it on the soft green grass
His videos went viral
from New York to Cairo
He received over a million hits
and spent many a night putting on the Ritz.

But fame is fleeting in an Internet world
and he couldn’t compete with the cat whom goldfishes hurled
and so he found himself in obscurity again
as the world then went beserk over a gold laying hen.

-A poem written by Christopher
Saturday April 18th 2015.

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Renfield’s Direct Video Response To ISIS Beheading Video

August 28, 2014 at 6:30 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Direct Video Response To ISIS Beheading Video

U. S. Navy SEAL Commandos had seized and captured yet another ISIS fighter in Iraq.

He was once again handed over to Renfield R. Renfield to make yet another special Renfield video production to post to YouTube.

Renfield had already used one captured ISIS fighter to post on YouTube his own personally signatured response to the Ice Bucket Challenge that was the latest fad and trend that was all the rage on all the social networking sites.

Renfield decided to do a beheading video of his own and post it to YouTube as his video response to the ISIS beheading video of James Foley.

For this particular video, Renfield thought it would be cool to dress like a ninja.

So he was dressed like a hooded and masked ninja holding a samurai sword.

The ISIS prisoner (who had his hands cuffed behind his back and was down on his knees) wore a pink mini dress, very bright pink silk nylons, gold dust sprinkled bright pink stiletto shoes and a pink wig.

The ISIS prisoner was filmed from all angles so his ISIS compatriots watching the video could get a good look at the drag queen he had been turned into.

Renfield then took off the ISIS fighter’s pink wig and showed his face to the camera so his ISIS compatriots could get a good visual ID of the man showing that he was indeed an ISIS comrade.

The video then showed a film clip of an interview with a professor of medieval Arabic at the University of Manchester who was a specialist in 7th Century Arabic dialects.

He said the verse translated in the Quran promising male believers 72 virgins in paradise should actually be translated “raisins”.

“Just to make sure you get your raisins where you’re going,” Renfield grinned at the camera, “we’re dispatching 72 raisins along with you.”

The video then showed a film clip of two male Beverly Hills hairdressers recently married in a California same-sex wedding ceremony sitting at a table counting out exactly 72 raisins from a bag of California raisins.

They then dropped the 72 raisins into a plastic bag and sealed it with a kiss.

“Especially for the ISIS fighter and martyr,” one of the men blew kisses at the camera before sipping from a pink daiquiri.

“And we have those raisins in the bag right here,” Renfield held up the plastic bag of raisins for the camera, “instead of Columbian coffee beans hand picked by Juan Valdez, we have California raisins hand picked by Beverly Hills hairdressers Harry Capote and Al Truman.”

A movie trailer for that old movie The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is then shown.

Renfield then starts up a chainsaw.

A group of dark- eyed virgins dressed in Middle East harem dresses and veils and wearing t-shirts that say FOR MI-6 EYES ONLY then went over and lifted up the ISIS fighter’s pink mini dress and pulled down his silk panties.

Renfield then took the chainsaw and cut off the ISIS fighter’s phallus.

“Now we pour honey on top,” Renfield poured honey out of a jar on top of the phallus.

“Next we add the 72 raisins,” Renfield using surgical gloved hands reached into the bag of raisins and sprinkled them on top of the honey-covered phallus.

Because of the honey, the raisins immediately stuck to the phallus.

“We don’t have any Ancient Greek drachma coins to put in your mouth to help you with your journey across the River Styx but we do have this,” Renfield then shoved the honey and 72 raisin covered phallus into the ISIS fighter’s mouth.

After showing this image to the camera, the video then went to a clip of the ISIS beheading video of James Foley.

The camera then panned in on the knife the ISIS beheader was holding.

A movie clip of Paul Hogan as Crocodile Dundee speaking his famous line “That’s not a knife” is then shown.

A long shot of Renfield as ninja holding his samurai sword behind the drag queen looking ISIS fighter with the phallus in his mouth.

Renfield then rips off the ISIS fighter’s pink wig.

The camera then pans in on Renfield’s samurai sword.

Another movie clip of Paul Hogan as Crocodile Dundee is then shown.

This time he speaks the line, “Now that’s a knife.”

Renfield then beheads the ISIS fighter with his samurai sword.

The credits are then shown as someone sings the song “My knife is bigger than your knife” in the background.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 28th

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Renfield’s Video For The Ice Bucket Challenge

August 26, 2014 at 5:23 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Video For The Ice Bucket Challenge

Renfield R. Renfield decided to make his own video for the ice bucket challenge and post it to YouTube.

For the video, Renfield wore the mask, hat and cape of the Spanish Mexican freedom fighter Zorro.

He also wore a t-shirt that said KEEP CALM AND DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD OVER ISIS.

Sitting next to the standing and dashing looking Zorro like Renfield was a British born and raised fighter for ISIS (the Islamic State of Iraq and al-Sham).

The ISIS fighter had been seized and captured by a U.S. Navy SEALS Commando unit in Iraq.

He was then handed over to Renfield to do with as he pleased.

Renfield had been privately commissioned by the U.S. government to prepare a video in response to the James Foley beheading video posted by ISIS.

The ISIS fighter was dressed in a clown suit and tied to a chair.

His face was still clearly visible.

Although the man was dressed like a clown, his face had not been made to look like a clown.

Instead Renfield had left the face clearly visible for the man’s ISIS compatriots to recognize as the video was shown across the globe.

So the ISIS fighter was dressed in a clown suit and tied to a chair.

The man’s hands and feet were attached to wires that in turn were attached to a high-voltage electric battery.

Next to the man was a bucket of ice.

“Here’s my answer to the ice bucket challenge,” Renfield grinned.

He then poured the bucket of ice and water over the ISIS fighter’s head.

He then placed the bucket at the man’s feet.

The ISIS fighter found the whole thing to be quite a shocking experience and after convulsing in massive paroxysms, he quite literally kicked the bucket.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 26th

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Haikus About Miss America 2014

September 17, 2013 at 7:03 pm (Commentary, News, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , , )

Miss America 2014 

Miss Nina Davuluri 

full of grace and class




Twitter’s raging dolts

ignore Abe Lincoln’s advice

no doubt they are fools

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Haiku That Rhymes On Social Networking Then And Now

September 12, 2013 at 3:31 pm (Poetry) (, , , , , , )

Yon in days of yore

love sonnets made hearts flitter

now Facebook, Twitter

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The Twitter Flasher of New York City

June 6, 2011 at 7:12 pm (Commentary, Satire) (, , , , , , , , , , )

After I saw Rep. Anthony Weiner’s pitiful announcement and press conference on CNN today, the thought came to me to write a satirical song about the whole sordid mess.

And the lyrics that were entering my mind as I watched this press conference were to the tune of an old World War II song The D-Day Dodgers.

During World War II, a story surfaced that British Member of Parliament Lady Astor said that the British troops who were fighting in the Invasion of Italy were enjoying a paid holiday and not making the same heroic sacrifices that the Allied soldiers were making on the beaches of Normandy during D-Day and afterwards.

In fact the Allied invasion of Italy was a very bloody campaign and some British soldier took it upon himself to write a reply to Lady Astor in song- a song that became known to history as The D-Day Dodgers.

The tune of the D-Day Dodgers itself came from an earlier World War I song Lily Marlene that was sung in the trenches of that great and terrible war.

Here are the lyrics to The D-Day Dodgers:

We’re the D-Day Dodgers, way off in Italy
Always on the vino, always on the spree,
Eighth Army scoungers and their tanks,
We live in Rome, among the Yanks,
We are the D-Day Dodgers, way out in Italy
We are the D-Day Dodgers, way out in Italy;
We landed in Salerno, a holiday with pay,
the Jerries brought the bands out to greet us on the way.
Showed us the sights and gave us tea,
We all sang songs, the beer was free
To welcome D-Day Dodgers to sunny Italy.

Naples and Casino were taken in our stride,
We didn’t want to fight there, we went just for the ride.
Anzio and Sangro were just names,
We only went to look for dames
The artful D-Day Dodgers, way out in Italy.

Dear Lady Astor, you think you’re mighty hot
Standing on the platform talking tommyrot.
You’re England’s sweetheart and her pride
We think your mouth’s too bleeding wide.
We are the D-Day Dodgers in sunny Italy,
Look around the mountains, in the mud and rain,
you’ll find the scattered crosses, some that have no name.
They are the D-Day Dodgers who stay in Italy.

Here’s a video of the song The D-Day Dodgers so you get an idea of the tune:

Here’s my satirical song The Twitter Flasher of New York City set to the tune of the song The D-Day Dodgers:

I’m the Twitter Flasher of dear New York Cit-ee
always with my weenie when I’m on my PC,
social media scounger with my many pranks
I schmooze in DC- capital of the Yanks
I’m the Twitter Flasher from New York Cit-ee
I’m the Twitter Flasher letting it hang out in DC.
I sent a message on Twitter- a jolly site today
I pulled my Jerry down to greet her this special way.
Showed her the sights before I had to pee
I didn’t realize I’d sent it for everyone to see
so I claimed a hacker hacked in from some unknown point B.

Facebook and Twitter I just took in my stride
all I wanted was to give my jolly a jolly good ride
Miss X and Lady Y were just simply names
I only went FB’ing just to look for dames.
I’m the artful Flasher in NY and DC.

Dear Andrew Breitbart, you think you’re mighty hot
Standing in the blogosphere talking tommy rot
but when it comes to shortcomings, you’ve shown
the world nothing to what I’ve got.
I’m the Twitter Flasher of New York Cit-ee
Look around the cyberlandscape amid the sleeze and the pain
you’ll find the scattered hearts, some that have no name
cause I’m the Twitter Flasher of New York Cit-ee.

-A satirical song written by Christopher Van Helsing
Monday evening June 6th 2011
to be sung to the tune of The D-Day Dodgers.

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