Sherrielock Holmes Tomatoes Jacob Zuma’s Buttocks

February 15, 2018 at 11:52 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes Tomatoes Jacob Zuma’s Buttocks

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in a comfortable armchair in the living room of the colossal West London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

He was holding a glass 🥃 of Southern Comfort in one hand and a Pina Colada in the other.

He was celebrating a killing he had made on the London Stock Exchange today.

On Monday he had bought shares in the Atkinson Comfortable Cushion and Pillow Company for £5 a share and today he had sold them for £25 a share.

Renfield was awaiting the arrival of Miss Sherrielock Holmes the woman to whom he owed his financial windfall.

Although Sherrielock Holmes was the new Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises (a position Renfield once had held prior to his election to Parliament), she was also a professional dominatrix.

In fact, she was the City of London’s most famous professional dominatrix and a globetrotting dominatrix at that.

Back in November of last year, she had been hired by 🇿🇼 Zimbabwe’s ruling political party to tomato the buttocks of Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe to get him to voluntarily resign the Presidency- a feat she was able to accomplish much to Mr. Mugabe’s discomfort and dismay.

Now in February of this year, South African President Jacob Zuma was likewise ignoring the advice of South Africa’s ruling ANC African National Congress Party and refusing to resign the Presidency to pave the way for the new ANC party leader Cyril Ramaphosa to become President.

On the recommendation of the Zimbabwean government therefore, the ANC had hired dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes to come to South Africa 🇿🇦 and persuade Mr. Zuma to voluntarily resign using the persuasive methods for which she was famous.

Sherrielock had flown to South Africa 🇿🇦 this past Monday night.

On Tuesday (informed of Sherrielock’s arrival), Jacob Zuma had hid himself in one of the many rooms of the Presidential House in Pretoria, South Africa.

However one of Jacob Zuma’s distant cousins Monty Zuma (Monty’s parents had both been big fans of The Monty Python TV Show and so named their first son after the show) worked as a valet in the mansion and happened to know where the then President was hiding.

Monty had recently found out that Jacob had disinherited him from his will and so in an act that future historians will probably dub Monty Zuma’s Revenge, Monty had led Sherrielock to the room where the then South African President was hiding.

After six hours of solid buttocks tomatoing with whips and cats o’ nine tails this past Tuesday night in an act that future historians will probably call the Saint Valentine’s Eve mASSacre, South African President Jacob Zuma finally broke down and announced that he was voluntarily resigning the Presidency.

Standing in front of television cameras 🎥 the next day Wednesday February 14th, Mr. Zuma announced that decision to the South African nation.

Afterwards (on the recommendation of former Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe), Jacob Zuma promptly ordered 1001 comfortable cushions made by the Atkinson Comfortable Cushion and Pillow Company in London England 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 to be immediately delivered to the now former President’s private home.

Meanwhile in his comfortable armchair in London, England, Sir Renfield R. Renfield sipped both his Southern Comfort and Pina Colada
and awaited the leather mini skirted Sherrielock Holmes to walk through the front door.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 15th

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South African Artist SAREJESS and The Grandfather Clock

July 10, 2017 at 7:52 pm (Art, Arts, Literature, Vampire novel) (, , )

South African Artist SAREJESS and The Grandfather Clock

The great South African artist SAREJESS awoke from his sleep.

For he had dreamed a dream as did great historic Josephs in both Old and New Testament periods.

He felt compelled to go down to his studio and paint even though it was the middle of the night.

As he walked though the house, he looked in one of the rooms and noticed his little grandson Joshua James sleeping in his bed.

SAREJESS had to laugh.

For in his sleep, little Joshua James was pointing his little finger at the beautiful portrait painting of himself on the wall.

A portrait that had been lovingly painted by his grandfather.

SAREJESS got to his studio.

He reached for his paints and his paintbrush and began to paint.

He painted like a man on a mission.

He felt compelled to paint a picture of a grandfather clock.

But a grandfather clock whose pendulum went back and forth between two images of Egyptian Pharaohs seated on their pharaonic thrones which were located at the top of the clock.

Then at the bottom of the clock were two Sphinxes looking mysterious and foreboding.

One on either side of the bottom of the clock.

At the top of the clock just above the swinging pendulum itself was a mysterious looking Eye of Horus dripping blood.

As SAREJESS painted it, he felt like he was painting a picture for an old episode of the early 1970s Rod Serling TV series Night Gallery.

What, SAREJESS wondered, could this possibly all mean?

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 10th

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Waiting For The Flying Dutchman: A Poem

March 18, 2017 at 3:51 pm (Folklore, Ghost Story, Horror, Literature, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

South African Ships At Sea

The old sailor always walked down to the beach on moonlit nights like this
waiting… searching… for the Flying Dutchman…
he had once seen the ghost ship as a boy
caught sight of the Ancient Mariner that stood at the helm
that lonely cursed figure
who stirred the wheel
at the helm of the ship
followed by an albatross.

The old sailor saw six birds tonight
but no albatross
He saw seven ships of various sizes
but no Flying Dutchman

The moon, sea and sky looked ghostly haunting tonight
it would be on a night such as this
that the Flying Dutchman would surely appear again.

The sailor felt a chill at his elbow
He looked up
gazed in the distance
and saw…

“There, there,” he pointed with his finger.

The next morning the old sailor was found dead on the beach
he had made contact with the Flying Dutchman after all.

-A poem written
by Christopher’
March 18th 2017.

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Disappointed With BBC World News

March 4, 2014 at 7:44 pm (Commentary, Crime, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Personal essays) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Disappointed With BBC World News

I’m so disappointed with BBC World News at the moment.

I turned on the TV to see what was the latest with the Ukraine crisis and the possibility of full-scale war breaking out and instead all they had on was stupid live coverage of the stupid Oscar Pistorius murder trial in South Africa.

I remember when I was a teen-ager back in 1995 how important news stories of that year took a back seat to the O.J. Simpson murder trial in Los Angeles.

Every time some stupid pompous arrogant hubris filled famous athlete kills his wife or ex-wife or girlfriend, the news media go into positive orgasms over the whole matter.

I’d expect such stupidity coming from the American news media but I didn’t expect such stupidity coming from the BBC.

I can well imagine the following scenario if the Ukraine crisis does somehow spin totally out of control and produce World War III:

CNN’s Anderson Cooper: And we’ve just received word that Washington DC has been destroyed by a nuclear missile.
We will now be talking to an American General about the current retaliatory nuclear missile attack on Moscow…
oh wait… we’re going to have to put that interview on hold because we’ve got a live feed coming in from the Oscar Pistorius murder trial in Pretoria South Africa where the courtroom has just heard the riveting testimony of an Afrikaans speaking toilet seat repairman.
Oops… our reporter was just knocked over by a BBC cameraman also in a rush to get the story…
okay… here’s the live feed coming from Pretoria now… oh no… our transmission satellite over South Africa was just shot down… bloody Russians…

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Radio News Story From The Future About Katy Perry

December 18, 2013 at 7:54 pm (Commentary, Entertainment, Music, News, Satire, Songs, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Radio News Story From The Future About Katy Perry

Tired of seeing Ukrainians demonstrating in the streets of Kiev on BBC World News on TV, Renfield decided to go down to the Set Enterprises Lab and see if Michelangelo the genetically created psychic lobster could pick up another radio news transmission from the future on his lobster antennae.

As Renfield adjusted Michelangelo’s antennae much to the lobster’s discomfort, words came through on the computer loud speaker.

Michelangelo’s antennae were hooked up to wires on the computer which picked up the transmissions Michelangelo received.

This was the radio news story from the future that Michelangelo had picked up…

… “This just in. Tragedy has struck American singer Katy Perry on her recent African safari. While wearing a tiger’s eye necklace the singer was eaten by a lion while trying to roar at it.

The singer had spent weeks learning how to roar like a lion at a newly opened animal languages school in the South African township of Soweto.

Miss Perry had roared “I come in peace” according to her lion language teacher who accompanied her on the safari but the lion wasn’t impressed and ate her.

Nothing much is known about her lion language teacher who taught Miss Perry how to roar like a lion other than he has caused controversy in the past when he served as an interpreter for the deaf at the world leaders’ memorial service held for the late South African leader Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg.

According to a British veterinarian named Dolittle who was taking photos at the scene and claims to actually speak lion, he claimed the lion was walking around roaring “I ate a Yank and I liked it” afterwards.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 18th

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Haiku About Nelson Mandela

December 5, 2013 at 5:19 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

Haiku About Nelson Mandela

True candle in wind
great light now extinguished
R.I.P. Nelson

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