Origins of May The Fourth
Origins of May The Fourth
Back in the mid-1970s as George Lucas was holding auditions for the voice of Darth Vader for his upcoming Star Wars motion picture, among those auditioning for the voice role were writer and actor Truman Capote.
This was the line all audition participants were to speak when auditioning for the Darth Vader voice role, “May the Force be with you.”
Then it came Truman Capote’s turn to audition.
Truman Capote (speaking with his usual fruity lisp): May the fourth be with you.
Thinking that for a galactic villain whose voice was supposed to send chills down audience spines and make their blood run cold, the makers of Star Wars settled for the deep baritone voice of James Earl Jones instead.
However back in the early 2000s, an Australian with the popular nickname of Uncle Ernie found the Truman Capote audition video tape in an old Star Wars lunch box he found in some old cupboards in his backyard unregulated and illegal pharmaceutical manufacturing lab.
And a legend was born.
Since that time, May the Fourth became known as International Star Wars Day.
As May the Force Be With You became Truman Capote’s immortal May the Fourth Be With You.
. . .
“Beam me up, Scotty,” William Shatner spoke to his AI automated dispenser of his favourite brand of toilet paper as he sat on his starship throne.
. . .
Meanwhile in the catacombs of Paris, Marmalade Montague the eccentric former baker who had recently proclaimed himself Court Scientist to the Court of Louis Quatorze overheard a plot by a group of Grand Orient Lodge Freemasons to turn Notre Dame Cathedral into a New Age Freemasonic Temple.
Said the Grand Orient Lodge master, “I’ve been told by the Divine Falcon Headed Human Body Hybrid Horus himself that a world altering miracle will happen this coming May 14th.”
“That’s the same day Pope Francis told all the religions of the world to pray together isn’t it?” the Lodge secretary inquired.
“It is,” the Grand Orient Lodge master answered.
Marmalade Montague decided he better exit the catacombs before his presence was noted.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 4th
2020.
The Greek goddess Aphrodite pointing downwards at a snake slithering along the floor of one of the Vatican Museum halls.
Renfield’s TV Commercial For Enterprise Rent-A-Car
Renfield’s TV Commercial For Enterprise Rent-A-Car
Tonight’s candidates’ debate in the Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds constituency wasn’t really a formal debate.
It was more of a get to know the candidates’ night in which each candidate talked about their hobbies or their interests outside politics.
When it was Renfield’s turn to speak, he said his hobby was writing TV commercials.
Said Renfield, “I just wrote a commercial for a North American car rental company Enterprise Rent-A-Car which was filmed today and company executives are currently debating whether to air it on television.”
Amadeus Emanon (who was sitting in the audience) groaned.
He had had previous experience watching some of Renfield’s TV commercials.
“And now I would ask the hall technician to play the video,” Renfield grinned, “You’ll get a sneak peak of that TV commercial which will hopefully be shown in North America soon.”
The video played and it showed actor William Shatner as Captain James T. Kirk wearing the exact same Starfleet uniform that he probably wore in the original 1960s TV series Star Trek.
Clothes he had very much since outgrown.
“Hi,” said a smiling William Shatner, “I’m Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise speaking to you on behalf of Enterprise Rent-A-Car. I’m filling in for my friend Patrick Warburton the usual Enterprise spokesman who’s come down with acute laryngitis ever since he won first place in a Greta Thunberg voice impersonation contest a few nights ago…”
Amadeus sank lower in his chair.
Captain Kirk walked among the cars at the Enterprise Rent-A-Car lot, “Whenever I visit Earth, I use Enterprise Rent-A-Car to get around.
I’ve been Captain of the Starship Enterprise for over 60 years now and I’ve been using Enterprise Rent-A-Car for almost as long. People keep telling me that I should have retired years ago and the way I no longer fit into this Starfleet uniform, perhaps they’re right. I seem to have gone well beyond middle aged paunch in terms of my weight…”
The button on Captain Kirk’s black pants burst and he’s forced to use one of his hands to hold it up.
“Yesterday I rented a car from Enterprise Rent-A-Car to drive to Ottawa where I received the Order of Canada from Canada’s Governor-General at Rideau Hall in Ottawa. Then I rented another car from Enterprise this morning to drive to Washington DC to meet with Donald Trump and tell him that the planet Xenuthalu had concluded its investigation and found no evidence of wrongdoing by Joe Biden or his son Hunter. So Trump, although disappointed, gave the order to no longer hold up nuclear arms sales to the planet. The missiles are now well on their way…”
Kirk looks at his Starship Enterprise smart phone, “Oh-oh. I just got a text message from Mr. Spock saying that the planet Xenuthalu has just signed an alliance treaty with the Klingons.”
Kirk drops the smart phone and bends over to pick it up.
A loud ripping sound from the back of his pants can be heard.
Kirk speaking into his smart phone communicator, “Quick. Beam me up, Scotty.”
Kirk is quickly beamed up just as the Rev. Pat Robertson gets out of one of the Enterprise vehicles.
Says Rev. Robertson, “Oh my God. The Rapture has just occurred. Why am I still here?”.
Robertson in a panic screams, “Why am I still here? You forgot about me, Lord. You forgot about me. Your most important, noble and humble servant you’ve left behind. You’ve forgot about me, Lord. You’ve forgot about me.”
Robertson continues to scream, “You forgot about me, Lord. You forgot about me” as the ad announcer says, “Enterprise Rent-A-Car. Choose your vehicle. Choose your destination.”
The commercial was a hit with Tewkesbury voters.
Not so much with Enterprise corporate executives in America.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 22nd
2019.
Renfield Still Seeing Stars On Trek
Renfield Still Seeing Stars On Trek
Renfield R. Renfield was still busy bitching to Amadeus Emanon about the fact that a few nights earlier, he was having an extremely pleasant dream about being in a Turkish steam bath with three vivacious female porn stars when suddenly Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster entered his dream and entered the Turkish steam bath wearing a firefighter heat protection suit specially designed for lobsters and pinched him on the rear end with his lobster claws to get him out of the steam bath.
“Why would Michelangelo do that?” Amadeus asked as he dipped three Turkish Delight candies into some tangy and spicy shrimp cocktail sauce and ate them.
“Because I was to go to another space/time dimension to locate the whereabouts of some AI cybrid psychic cyborg they call the Black Dragon Master,” Renfield blew steam through his ears setting off the smoke alarm in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion.
“And did you find the Black Dragon Master?” Amadeus was grateful for the ceiling sprinkler’s sudden downpour of water as it cooled off the extremely hot and spicy taste of his Cajun/Mexican/Thai/Korean Barbeque Lobster Sandwich that he was eating.
“Yes, I found him in an Irish brothel in Dublin,” Renfield seemed to recall rather fondly.
“As opposed to an Irish brothel in Beijing,” Amadeus downed a two litre bottle of water.
The mansion’s butler and valet Athelstan appeared in the living room wearing a post-nuclear apocalypse radioactive protection firefighter suit and carrying a hose to put out the fire.
“That’s all right, Athelstan,” Amadeus waved him off, “there’s really no fire.”
Athelstan left the room swearing in ancient Egyptian a language he was learning in an on-line educational course in an effort to better understand the words his boss and master Set mumbled in his sleep in his sarcophagus.
“I hear those AI cybrid psychic cyborgs are able to communicate telepathically,” Amadeus cracked open his fortune cookie.
“This one had temporarily lost his ability to communicate telepathically after he had used his long forgotten sense of taste to study and research the remnants of an ancient beer brewery in Bavaria that had apparently been frequented by a pair of drunken otters back in the early 21st Century,” Renfield explained.
“Isn’t that our own time?” Amadeus checked the date on his new Apple watch.
“Yes, but it was ancient history to this AI cybrid psychic cyborg in the future,” Renfield played with his Ancient Macedonian sword that had once belonged to Alexander The Great.
“So how did he communicate with you?” Amadeus used his iPhone to order more Chinese take-out food.
“He spoke to me in the most god-awful voice,” Renfield shuddered and shivered, “the most sinister voice I ever encountered.”
“Did he sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger the killer robot from the future in The Terminator?” Amadeus tried his best Austrian accent.
“Worse,” Renfield swallowed from his bottle of 21-year-old Port and was grateful that he wasn’t reading any humourous blog posts on the Net at that moment, “he sounded like a cross between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone and a Transylvanian transvestite transexual cross-dresser.”
“Sounds like the Rocky Horror Picture Show all over again,” Amadeus spilled rice all over the floor.
“Well I certainly am not doing the fucking Time Warp again,” Renfield recalled that aspect of his dream with sheer terror.
“What happened?” Amadeus got down on his knees to pick up the rice
“As soon as Mr. Sulu hit warp speed on the U.S.S. Enterprise to return us to our own space/time dimension, I was jilted forward with such velocity that my testicles were actually transported right up to the back molars of my mouth,” Renfield recalled with some trepidation, “I could have become the first person in recorded history to give myself my own blow jobs.”
“Well,” Amadeus noted, “from that pic of Ron Jeremy you had left frozen on your computer screen a few nights ago before you went to bed to have that dream, I think he could easily give himself his own blow jobs judging from what I saw.”
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 14th
2015.
Haiku About Leonard Nimoy R.I.P.
Haiku About Leonard Nimoy R.I.P.
Captain Kirk would say
Spock’s finally going home
Beam him up, O Lord.
Haiku Inspired By Original Star Trek
Haiku Inspired By Original Star Trek
Space the last frontier
Kirk and Spock seeking new worlds
a great enterprise
Alien Frequencies and Pan Goatee
The reptilian Captain of the alien spacecraft sat in his chair aboard the central deck and looked at the screen.
There was planet Earth.
The captain who looked like Captan James T. Kirk on a bad hair day and an even worse skin day said, “Increase the frequency.”
The frequency was increased.
* * *
Pan Goatee was feeling the vibe as he slashed to death the diners in the Chinese restaurant in London.
“I’ve got it, I’ve got it,” he screamed in ecstasy as he slashed a Chinese gentleman and his British friend to death thus putting an end to the argument over who was going to pay the bill.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 17th 2013.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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