Pan Goatee Slays More Fat Ugly Blimps While Trump Is Pissed Off At Renfield

August 17, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Aesthetics, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Pan Goatee Slays More Fat Ugly Blimps While Trump Is Pissed Off At Renfield

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee had all the ingredients to make a Ralph Petley Jones Special Grilled Cheese Sandwich save one (the recipe was developed by a famous Welsh ex-Mountie who once owned an acreage near Fairmont Hot Springs in British Columbia).

The recipe consisted of putting huge slabs of butter on four slices of bread.

Then put a large slice of cheese on each of the four slices of bread.

Then put several large slices of onion on each slice of cheese.

Then put another large slice of cheese atop the onions on each slice of bread.

Then put the slices of bread together so you’ve got two huge sandwiches.

Put in the oven or microwave until the cheese melts.

And voila! Delicisio! 

Goatee had plenty of butter and plenty of bread and plenty of onions.

But alas! No cheese slices.

So he walked to the grocery store to buy some.

He was in luck as there were both cheese slices in the store as well as loads of beautiful women walking around the store (something very rare indeed for the city he lived in!).

After Goatee had purchased his cheese slices, he walked out the door.

The poor satyr serial killer’s luck ran out as a fat ugly blimp came waddling up the sidewalk pushing a grocery cart.

To the right on the other side of the fat ugly blimp, there was an extremely stupid looking guy standing on the sidewalk looking like an idiot holding an empty grocery cart.

Because of the said inconsiderate idiot standing there holding an empty grocery cart, it made it difficult for Goatee to maneuver past the fat ugly blimp as the elephantine sized creature took up a wide portion of the sidewalk.

Goatee immediately beheaded the fat ugly blimp remarking, “That’s what you get for not making a New Year’s resolution to lose weight this year and for not buying environmentally friendly paper bags to put over your head when you go out in public.”

Goatee then kicked the fat ugly blimp’s head as far as McMahon Stadium where the sight of the fat ugly blimp’s head landing on the football field caused the Calgary Stampeders to lose their first home CFL game to the visiting Montreal Alouettes since 2009.

Behind the beheaded fat ugly blimp was the blimp’s mother who surprisingly was a fairly good looking woman.

However on the other side of the mother was the beheaded fat ugly blimp’s fat ugly blimp younger sister.

“Don’t you know that you’re not supposed to emulate your elder siblings,” Goatee remarked as he beheaded the fat ugly blimp younger sister.

“Now you’re not ugly but you gave birth to ugly children,” Goatee stated as he beheaded the mother, “Haven’t you ever heard of contraception and birth control?”.

The mother of blimps was far too dead to answer Goatee’s question.

Goatee then turned his attention to the stupid looking moron who was standing there looking like an idiot holding an empty grocery cart that took up another large part of the sidewalk.

“Because of your innate stupidity, asshole, in standing there looking like an idiot holding on to an empty grocery cart at the same time that fat ugly blimps are waddling down the sidewalk, it makes it difficult for decent folk to get by,” Goatee noted as he beheaded the said idiot.

The city’s collective IQ jumped by vast percentage points after Goatee had beheaded the said idiot.

Meanwhile down in the U.S. a foaming Donald Trump was meeting with a member of the U.S. State Department.

“Why did British authorities in Gibraltar release the Iranian oil tanker Grace 1 that most likely was carrying Iranian oil to Syria?” Trump foamed at the mouth as he fell over backwards.

“They most likely did it on the recommendation of one Renfield R. Renfield who’s Britain’s new Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering,” the State Department official answered.

“How dare this Renfield character do that!” Trump pounded his desk after getting back up in his chair, “What’s his Twitter user name? I’m going to tell that bastard off in one of my profound and brilliantly written Twitter tweets.”

“I’m afraid this Renfield R. Renfield doesn’t have a Twitter account,” the State Department official answered.

“What?” Trump started foaming at the mouth again, “What sort of person doesn’t have a Twitter account? How am I supposed to insult someone and cast my juvenile BS (to quote Rep. Ilhan Omar) opprobrium on them if they don’t have a Twitter account?”.

“I have no idea, sir,” the State Department official started watching an old silent movie on his smart phone.

“Besides which every moron in the world is supposed to have a Twitter account,” Trump proclaimed.

“Most do, sir,” the State Department official noted.

“See, I rest my case,” Trump smiled.

Meanwhile in the waters off Gibraltar, the Grace 1 had changed its name to the Adrian Darya while the ghostly ship wreckage of the Andrea Doria floated by.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday August 17th
2019.

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Notwithstanding The Hurricane Winds of Change

September 10, 2018 at 11:11 pm (Arts, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Music, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Notwithstanding The Hurricane Winds of Change

Amadeus Emanon was working to get an album of songs he had personally written produced by London music promoter Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the CEO of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd.

It was helpful to Amadeus’ cause that it was his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set (owner of Set Enterprises) who lent Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the money to buy Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. for himself (Heathcliff had previously been Executive Vice-President of the company).

Of course Heathcliff probably would not have signed Amadeus to a recording contract despite that unless Amadeus had been both a talented songwriter and a talented singer.

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell’s good friend the New Orleans vampiress and songstress Angelique Dumont (best known for her role as Christine Daae in many West End London theatre productions of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s The Phantom of The Opera since 2007) had highly recommended Amadeus Emanon.

Both Amadeus and Angelique were taking a break from their recording session at Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell’s Wuthering Heights and Glencoe Hospitality Recording Studios on London’s Abbey Road.

They were meeting with Amadeus’ good friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield in Lord Poseidon God of The Seas’ Unparalleled Fish ‘N Chips Shop – a favourite of Amadeus.

“So,” Renfield looked shocked as Amadeus ate only one plate of Fish ‘N Chips (Amadeus had been scolded quite a lot lately by Angelique Dumont to cut down on his large appetite since he would soon be appearing in a photo shoot for the cover of his new album), “It appears that our Alberta-based Canadian vampire hunter friend approves of Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s decision to use the notwithstanding clause of the Canadian Constitution to overrule Ontario Superior Court Justice Edward Belobaba’s decision to disallow Ford’s new legislation The Better Local Government Act. Not because Dracul approves of Doug Ford (whom he calls the Ontario Donald Trump) but because by becoming the first Ontario Premier to use the Notwithstanding clause he might finally encourage politicians in Canada to grow pairs of balls and start using the Notwithstanding Clause to give unelected liberal social activist judges the raspberry they so richly deserve. For too long these unelected judicial jackasses have been reading their own personal views into things the constitution doesn’t even mention and using it to advance their own perverted and degenerate social agenda. Proof positive Dracul notes that Doug Ford is right this one time is that the 2 far left wing liberal rags in Toronto- The Globe and Mail as well as The Toronto Star- appear to have their panties in a knot and are in one Hell of an outburst of whining and snivelling over the fact Ford is using the Notwithstanding Clause.”

“So that’s the way things now stand in Canada, eh?” Amadeus ate a piece of Maple Leaf bacon 🥓 while Angelique watched disapprovingly.

“And then Dracul notes smoking recreational marijuana becomes officially legal next month which should should bring many unelected liberal social activist judges out of their smoke 💨 filled closets where they get many of their ideas from,” Renfield remarked.

. . .

Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher was wondering why Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had blown so many mathematical equations while typing with his lobster claws on his waterproof underwater iPad in his lobster tank.

Usually Michelangelo was so good at being able to crack difficult mathematical equations that even the world’s most advanced computers 🖥 were incapable of cracking.

It was then that Dr. Rocher noticed the remaining stub of reefer of Canadian recreational cannabis at the bottom of Michelangelo’s lobster tank.

. . .

Renfield went back to the Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum dungeons where he was interrogating members of a rogue branch of Britain’s MI-6 who were plotting a chemical attack on civilians who were living in Idlib province in Syria to give NATO the excuse to take direct military action against Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s Government in Damascus.

Renfield was getting the MI-6 operatives to talk by forcing them to watch (with very loud audio) home movie made videos of former Philippines 🇵🇭 First Lady Imelda Marcos singing songs to her husband former Philippines 🇵🇭 dictator Ferdinand Marcos as he lay comatose on his deathbed in a hospital in Honolulu, Hawaii on September 28th 1989 (doctors speculated that it was Imelda’s singing 🎤 that speeded up Ferdinand Marcos’ departure into the afterlife- no doubt figuring that Hell would be an improvement).

Every MI-6 operative that Renfield did this to immediately cracked and was soon singing like a canary.

Renfield brought in a wild nightingale from outside to join the MI-6 canaries in their singing.

. . .

Hurricane Florence now a category 4 hurricane was heading straight towards North and South Carolina.

Florence was a rare kind of hurricane in that, unbeknownst to NASA, the whirlwind in the hurricane was being directed by a vampiress.

The vampiress herself was named Florence.

Florence de Medici.

A vampiress who during her mortal life back in the Italian Renaissance had been an influential and powerful Florentine courtesan- Signora Florence de Medici.

A woman who had been turned into a vampiress by her unholy spiritual godmother- the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith- the mother of all vampires.

And now Florence was directing Florence against the Carolinas.

. . .

Flashback 109 years ago.

November 1909- King Edward VII of Britain had gone to a forest in a public park to meet with a woman.

But this was no ordinary woman.

She was a vampiress.

She was meeting with King Edward VII because she had shocking information (so she said) on what the King’s nephew the Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany was planning.

King Edward VII walked through the bleak November forest until he came upon her:

The Countess Draculina- daughter of Dracula

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 10th
2018.

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Pan Goatee Beheads Ugly Airhead, Pope Francis Blows Baphomet and Renfield Gets Tip On Syria Chemical Attack

September 7, 2018 at 10:58 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee Beheads Ugly Airhead, Pope Francis Blows Baphomet and Renfield Gets Tip On Syria Chemical Attack

Pan Goatee was walking down the middle stairwell of the public transit train station when a typical stupid ugly looking white woman in this city tried to race him down the stairs on the other stairwell.

Pan Goatee ran like Hermes after he got a hot poker shoved up his ass by Hephaestus (things that now go on at modern Establishment Democratic Party conventions during the after hours) and beat the ugly looking white woman down the stairs.

“You can’t outrun me, you stupid ugly looking thing,” Pan Goatee shouted back at the product of faulty genetics without bothering to look at the putrid mess.

He then boarded the train.

He was shocked to see the ugly looking thing follow after him on the train and then in an act of blatant airheadedness actually sat next to the genetically created satyr serial killer.

Pan Goatee immediately beheaded the ugly creature for such a blatant failure of a female IQ test.

He then cut her up into 666 quintillion pieces.

Looking around for a garbage bag, he couldn’t see any so he stole a University student’s knapsack instead.

He threw all the pieces inside the knapsack while the University student said aloud, “Well, at least I’ll have a far more interesting excuse this time than the dog ate my homework for not completing last night’s class assignment.”

Goatee then stole a container of gasoline as he didn’t have any cash on him and he had gone over this month’s DARPA Credit Card Amount of $650 million.

He then set fire 🔥 to the knapsack containing the pieces of the ugly looking creature and hurled it through the window of yet another drug house in a drug gang controlled neighbourhood.

This time Pabo Escobar’s ghost had to drop ghostly spectral Artificial Tears 😭 in his eyes to start bawling 😭 over the fire 🔥 as he had developed a bad case of dry eyes 👀 as a result of too much crying 😢 over the many fires in drug gang controlled neighbourhoods that Pan Goatee had started lately.

As fire trucks 🚒 arrived on scene to fight the 66-alarm fire 🔥 in this neighbourhood, Nero’s ghost speaking into his ghostly microphone announced to the spectators of the massive blaze, “I’d like to specially dedicate this next tune to Pan Goatee” and proceeded to play on his violin 🎻 the tune to that song by The Supremes, “Whenever you are near, I hear a symphony…”

. . .

“Some bad news, Mr. President,” a White House aide who had been forced to sign a loyalty oath in blood that morning spoke to Donald Trump.

“What is it?” Trump asked, “Another gutless anonymous editorial by someone accusing me of being mentally unbalanced?”.

Trump proceeded to comb his toupee into an Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte looking hairstyle and then held a small black comb under his nose to make it look like he was sporting an Adolf Hitler moustache.

“No, the CIA is complaining about cutbacks to their programs,” his aide said.

“But I thought I increased spending for the CIA’s budget as well as the military budget and the ICE budget to say nothing of extensive tax cuts for the nation’s top 1% earners,” Trump looked shocked, “the only programs where I massively cut spending were programs for the poor, the sick and the elderly.”

“No, the CIA is complaining about cutbacks to their covert non-government funded black ops programs whose funding is provided by the Colombian and Mexican drug cartels,” his aide explained, “The Colombian and Mexican drug cartels are upset because they think you ordered DARPA contract assassin Pan Goatee to burn down drug gang controlled neighbourhoods in Western Canada.”

“But I gave Pan Goatee no such order,” Trump exploded and blew the honey coloured red spider monkey fur toupee off his head, “I sent him as an Emissary of Peace to deal with wealthy Western Canadians who have been donating large sums of money to Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s Canadian Federal Liberal Party. It’s part of my ongoing NAFTA negotiations. I never even mentioned drugs.”

. . .

Pope Francis had been instructed by Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal to perform an act of obeisance to Baphomet the half-goat half-human half-male half-female entity who was worshiped by the Vampiric Knights-Templar.

Holding on to his twisted Crucifix episcopal crozier whose image resembled the Frankenstein monster more than it did Jesus Christ, Pope Francis knelt down in front of the Baphomet who stood at the High Altar inside the papal chapel.

Baphomet’s male sex organ then became erect as the entity thought about Caitlyn Jenner.

“Now you must give the Baphomet a blow job as part of your obeisance,” Allatallahbel ordered as she sprinkled her High Priestess dress with the blood of innocents.

“What?” Pope Francis’s face turned ashen white.

One of the Vampiric Knights-Templar played the Boy George song Karma Chameleon on a pair of Scottish bagpipes.

. . .

Renfield R. Renfield was being interviewed by BBC News on Barack Obama’s criticism of Donald Trump.

“I think it was for the most part justified,” Renfield answered, “the only part where I’d disagree is where he says that the Republican Party have been the ones responsible for all the divisiveness and paranoia in America the past few decades. The Democrats have been largely responsible for much of the divisiveness and paranoia as well. Ever since South Dakota Sen. George McGovern (described by his Democratic Presidential primaries rival Washington Sen. Henry “Scoop” Jackson as the candidate of “amnesty, acid and abortion”) won the Democratic Party Presidential nomination in 1972, the Democrats have become a gang of abortion loving, hashish loving degenerate and perverted far left-wing bozos which has produced an opposite extreme in the Republican Party in its Tea Party wing. If I had been there, I’d have given O’ Bummer the raspberry he so richly deserved at that point.”

When Renfield had finished the interview, he was handed a package 📦.

He gave it to a New York Times reporter to open thinking it might be a return present 💝 from Russian President Vladimir Putin whom he had recently sent a package.

The fake news correspondent opened it and no explosions took place.

“A whole bunch of documents,” said the reporter.

Renfield looked at the documents.

They were plans detailing a plan by a rogue branch of Britain’s MI-6 to launch a chemical weapons attack on civilians in the Idlib province of Syria and then blame the government of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad to justify an all out western assault on Damascus to overthrow Assad.

As Renfield looked at the documents and the dates on it, he realized he’d be racing against time to prevent an attack on Syrian civilians.

– A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 7th
2018.

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Pan Goatee’s Continuing Aesthetic Cleansing and False Flag Chemical Attack In Syria

September 4, 2018 at 10:38 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel, war) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Continuing Aesthetic Cleansing And False Flag Chemical Attack In Syria

DARPA contract assassin and genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was riding the public transit train 🚊 when he noticed a stupid looking fat ugly white blimp boarded the train with her equally stupid looking heavyset white boyfriend.

What a travesty! Goatee thought to himself.

Proof positive that the decline of civilization was upon us.

He could well imagine the great Renaissance Pope Julius II (who commissioned Michelangelo to decorate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and hired a young man named Raphael as an artist to bring numerous artistic improvements to the Vatican) rolling over in his Michelangelo sculpted tomb.

Oh well, at least this allowed him to see the direction his papal successor Pope Francis was going when he got around to kicking the bucket.

Pan Goatee realized that such a horribly and repulsively ugly looking couple would produce multitudes of equally repulsive ugly looking children.

And while the progeny of such a horrible to contemplate union would probably result in the final nail in the coffin of the ludicrous ideas of the white race supremacist theory, for the sake of aesthetics and the end of visual pollution in the world (a subject totally ignored by Pope Francis in his environmental encyclical Laudato Si), he Pan Goatee the 21st Century Saviour of the Human Race (a title that America’s Twitterer-In-Chief had reserved for himself) would have to stop such a union in its tracks.

Pan Goatee went up and beheaded the ugly looking couple.

Later when Pan Goatee was sitting on a public transit bus 🚎, the bus was about to leave when the stupid low-IQ holding bus driver stopped to let a repulsive fat ugly white blimp on the bus (a blimp who could easily win elephant hands down the Ms. Fat Ugly White Blimp Ugliness Pageant in what was a city of mainly fat ugly white blimps).

Pan Goatee immediately went up and beheaded the fat ugly blimp saying aloud the prayer, “Lord, deliver us from all ugliness.”

A prayer that had been composed by the great Renaissance Pope Julius II.

A prayer that had been omitted from the lectionary of Pope John XXIII’s Second Vatican Council that resulted in the past 60 years of bad theology and the past 20 years of lousy aesthetics in that part of the world’s population most heavily influenced by post-Vatican II neo-modernist theology.

After kicking the fat ugly blimp’s head off the bus and killing a Neo-Nazi Ku Klux Klansman with the hideous looking projectile, Pan Goatee then beheaded the stupid low-IQ holding white bus driver saying aloud the prayer, “Lord, deliver us from stupidity” – a prayer composed by one of Donald Trump’s ancestors (a prayer that went unanswered).

He then cut the stupid bus driver up into 666 quintillion pieces and put all the parts inside a non-City of Calgary approved garbage bag.

At that moment, Pan Goatee received a text message on his Samsung Galaxy smart phone from Australia’s leading poet that he should really start using environmentally friendly garbage bags that met with the approval of Pope Francis.

Oh well, Goatee thought to himself, he really didn’t have time to find an environmentally friendly garbage bag now because as one might now say of the late brainless bus driver’s remains, “Lord, he stinketh.” (A line that had been used originally by another one of Donald Trump’s ancestors- an Elizabethan-Jacobean theatre 🎭 critic after a negative 👎 review he wrote of William Shakespeare’s Hamlet).

Pan Goatee then went to another drug dealer gang controlled neighbourhood in the city and poured gasoline on the brainless bus driver’s remains and threw the bag through the window of the neighbourhood’s main drug selling house.

This caused a 32-alarm fire that burned down the entire neighbourhood and made roasted toasted very well done marshmallows out of drug gang members.

Once again Pablo Escobar’s ghost wept over the spectacle and Nero’s ghost stood there scratching his chin 🤔 wondering what tune he should play on his violin 🎻 as this had been happening so often lately, he was starting to run out of fresh tunes for his audience.

. . .

Donald Trump was sitting at his desk in the Oval Office looking immensely depressed.

He wasn’t immensely depressed because of what journalist and writer Bob Woodward had reported about him Donald Trump in the investigative reporter’s latest book.

He was depressed because he hadn’t been invited to attend Aretha Franklin’s funeral last Friday.

As such, he missed out on the opportunity to ogle Ariana Grande’s shapely and lovely derrière.

Why should Crooked Hillary’s husband get to have all the fun?

Meanwhile on the Twitterer-In-Chief’s desk, a severed charcoal burnt human hand was desperately trying to get Trump’s attention by pointing at a certain spot on the globe of the world on Trump’s desk.

. . .

Meanwhile in the province of Idlib, Syria 🇸🇾, a radical Islamist militant terrorist group (acting on the orders of Donald Trump’s, Emmanuel Macron’s and Theresa May’s intelligence agencies) was preparing a chemical weapons attack against civilians in the region to give the 3 western leaders an excuse to bomb the Hell out of Damascus in a last ditch western effort to drive Bashar al-Assad out of power.

Unbeknownst to Donald Trump, a 300,000 man Russian military force was in the Mediterranean (a sea 🌊 that Trump was unable to locate on the globe of the world) heading straight towards Allied forces aimed against Syria 🇸🇾.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 4th
2018.

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The Aztec Vampiress Qonzilqointec, Turkey’s Tyrant, Raúl Castro’s Successor and The Neo-Nazi Billionaire

April 18, 2018 at 10:45 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Aztec Vampiress Qonzilqointec, Turkey’s Tyrant, Raúl Castro’s Successor and A Neo-Nazi Billionaire

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was on her way to meet Raúl Castro’s handpicked successor Miguel Díaz-Canel in the Cuban 🇨🇺 capital of Havana.

Pic of Qonzilqointec on her way to meet Cuba’s next President Miguel Díaz-Canel:

https://pin.it/gpw5o3ygkufczk

She was meeting with the new leader to see if he was going to become a total despot like Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro who was Hugo Chavez’s successor (she was already plotting Maduro’s overthrow with Dracul Van Helsing, British MP Renfield R. Renfield and the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill).

On her way to meet Díaz-Canel, she ran into her lover Dracul Van Helsing who was in Havana to monitor the suspicious activities of the Neo-Nazi billionaire Robur Pike.

(For more on the background of Robur Pike, please read:

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2016/10/08/nazi-scientist-eckhart-fromm-and-his-attempt-at-human-genetic-cloning/

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2017/02/02/robur-the-conquerer-ii-in-havana/

)

When Dracul saw the sexy and sensual Aztec vampiress wearing her topless gold mini dress, he asked her how much of a hurry she was in to meet Miguel Díaz-Canel.

She adjusted her skirt and replied that she might have a few hours to spare.

So she went to Dracul’s hotel room and spent the next several hours making wild passionate love to him.

. . .

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan had left an extremely nasty comment on British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s Facebook page.

The comment was in retaliation for Renfield arranging the circumstances whereby the Celtic horned god Cernunnos was busy killing Turkish soldiers who were undertaking a genocidal campaign against the Kurds in the Afrin region of northwestern Syria 🇸🇾.

An hour later, Russian President Vladimir Putin likewise posted a nasty comment on Renfield’s Facebook page.

The remark was in retaliation for Cernunnos likewise killing Russian soldiers at a base in Syria.

“So,” Sir Winston Churchill’s ghost remarked as he chewed on the tip of his spectral cigar and sipped from his spectral glass of brandy, “I see the fascist despot Erdogan has brought forward the date of presidential and parliamentary elections in Turkey 🇹🇷 from November 2019 to this coming June 24th.”

“I guess considering the bad shape Turkey’s economy is in thanks to the fascist despot’s misrule and the defeat that Prince Vlad Dracula, Cernunnos, the Byzantine vampiress Theodora and the Israeli Controller of The Golem will soon inflict on Turkish forces in Syria, Erdogan figures he better call the election now so he can hurry up and pave the way to make himself Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire,” Renfield remarked.

“I fear that’s very much the case,” Churchill frowned.

“If only I could find a way to convince Theresa May to start a campaign to get that bum kicked out of NATO,” Renfield rubbed his chin. 🤔

. . .

German Chancellor Angela Merkel was in her office when suddenly the ancient Egyptian frog 🐸 headed god Kek appeared to her.

“Sweet Jesus,” she said in language designed to offend any pagan deity, “did anyone ever tell you that you look a lot like that Internet meme Pepe the Frog 🐸?”.

“So I’ve been told,” Kek’s tongue wrestled with Mrs. Merkel’s Venus fly trap office plant for control of a fly to eat.

“What are you doing here in Germany?” Mrs. Merkel asked.

“Well having spent several days visiting the fascists and Neo-Nazis in the alt-right movement in the U.S., I’m now visiting the fascists and neo-Nazis in the anti-immigrant and anti-foreigner AfD (Alternative fur Deutschland),” Kek smiled as he licked his lips after eating both the Venus fly trap and the fly.

“Germany will never succumb to Naziism again,” said Mrs. Merkel.

“There is a man called Robur Pike who says otherwise,” Kek belched with the sound and fury of an Egyptian god of chaos.

“Who’s Robur Pike?” Mrs. Merkel asked.

Kek laughed and laughed until he had an amphibian bowel movement of massive proportions.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 18th
2018.

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A Stag Party Like No Other

April 17, 2018 at 10:42 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

A Stag Party Like No Other

Russian soldiers at a base in Syria were nervous.

They had heard reports that a deer 🦌 stag of all things was massacring Turkish soldiers in the Afrin region of northwestern Syria by standing up on its hind legs and firing a rapidly moving crossbow with poisonous arrows at them.

The arrows would paralyze the soldiers and then take 24 hours for the poison to work to eventually kill them.

In the meantime, the soldiers would die a painfully agonizing death as the organs in their bodies gradually shut down.

The government of Recep Tayyip Erdogan in Ankara tried to keep the deaths secret from the Turkish public.

But someone had hacked into the Turkish television newsfeed and was reporting the deaths live to the Turkish people.

The news reports were read aloud by a talking robot 🤖 who called himself Hans.

The reports would begin with the robot singing (to the tune of an old 1950s Danny Kaye song), “I’m Hans Pagan Henderson… that’s me.”

After showing some speeded up video of Turkish soldiers dying a long lasting slow horrible agonizing death, film footage was then shown of the deer stag standing on its hind legs and shooting the soldiers with its rapidly firing cross bow.

As the footage of the stag and its cross bow was being shown, Hans the robot 🤖 sang (also to the tune of an old 1950s Danny Kaye song):

Wonderful, wonderful poisoned 🤢 arrow
fired by a beautiful stag
you hit your mark
sends a fiery spark ⚡️
through the body part
a fatal stinging dart 🎯
that sends one screaming “No more”
yet hours ‘til you reach death’s door.

No one was sure who it was that was hacking into the Turkish television feed.

Although there were suspicions.

After Hans’ news broadcasts, British MP Renfield R. Renfield was seen in an elegant armchair by a fireplace holding a glass of cognac and doing an introduction to a TV series he called Forgotten Disney Animated Cartoons.

“On tonight’s episode,” Renfield smiled, “Bambi’s father (killed in an automobile accident) comes back from the dead. The name of the cartoon: Bambi II- Thumper Recites The Necronomicon Resurrection Invocation.”

The Russian base was on edge when a soldier turned on the TV and Thumper was seen reciting a weird invocation in a strange and sinister sounding language.

And then suddenly what sounded like an arrow hit the door of the barracks.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 17th
2018.

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Pan Goatee and Pope Francis’ Nocturnal Dream of Hell

April 11, 2018 at 10:26 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee and Pope Francis’ Nocturnal Dream of Hell

Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was riding the bus when suddenly an extremely ugly looking woman boarded the bus holding hands with a 3-year-old girl.

Exclaimed Pan Goatee, “That ugly looking woman is the one who’s kidnapped the Lindbergh baby 🍼.”

Pan Goatee grabbed his astral laser machete and cut the ugly woman’s head off.

“You’re mistaken,” said a retired college professor of American history who was riding the bus but was grateful that the satyr had decapitated the ugly looking female, “the Lindbergh baby was a boy and if he were still alive today, he’d be 87 years old not 3.”

“Wow, I guess you can’t believe everything you read on Wikipedia,” Pan Goatee remarked as he booted the ugly looking head out the door and down the street.

. . .

Pope Francis was having a dream.

He was dreaming that he was in Hell.

“How can this be?” The pontiff shouted, “I said Hell doesn’t exist in a newspaper interview I gave recently.”

The fallen angel Mephistopheles walked by reading a book called Fake Papal Pronouncements With Foreword by Donald Trump.

Pope Francis suddenly saw a scene from Alice In Wonderland.

A Hellish looking Alice In Wonderland tea party modelled on Leonardo Da Vinci’s painting of The Last Supper.

This was what Francis saw:

https://pin.it/qhirdsp2qz2wdl

“We may have to change our format for the Eucharistic Communion Service,” Francis thought aloud in his dream, “although I’ve long been of the opinion that the Liturgy of the Mass needed revolutionary change and a massive paradigm shift.”

The Mad Hatter who had the face of Walter Cardinal Kasper applauded vigorously.

The Queen of Hearts who had the face of Raymond Cardinal Burke pointed at Francis and said “Off with his head.”

. . .

Donald Trump looked out the Oval Office of the White House and asked the question, “What’s the best way to punish Bashar al-Assad for using chemical weapons against his own people?”.

A vision of Zeus holding a thunderbolt appeared in the clouds above the White House saying, “Release the Kraken.”

Trump was immediately on the phone to U.S. Secretary of Defence Jim Mattis, “Jim, do you know where I can get a Kraken?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 11th
2018.

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Agamemnon and Putin

February 27, 2018 at 11:00 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Agamemnon and Putin

King Agamemnon of Mycenae was well aware that his brother Menelaus the king of Sparta was pissed.

That horny young Trojan stud Paris had run off with Menelaus’ wife Helen and had taken her back to Troy with him.

Menelaus was anxious to wage war on the Trojans.

Agamemnon wasn’t sure whether it was right to sack an entire city over the loss of one woman.

Possibly negotiations could be done with Troy and Helen could be sent back to Sparta peacefully to receive her punishment.

Ares the god of war however had different ideas.

He thought it was about time for a major global war which would result in bloodshed and great loss of life.

Ares decided to tempt Agamemnon into war.

He presented Agamemnon with visions of the immense treasures that Troy possessed.

“If you wage war on the Trojans and sack this city, all these treasures will be yours,” Ares tempted, “make unreasonable demands on the Trojans in your peace offerings. Besides the return of Helen, demand these things…”

Ares gave him a list.

“The Trojans will naturally refuse,” Ares smiled, “and then you can wage war on them. And take all their treasures for yourself.”

“And will you support me in this war?” Agamemnon asked.

“Of course,” Ares promised.

Later of course, Ares would change his mind after Aphrodite the goddess of love gave him an out of this world blow job.

He switched his support to the Trojans as a result of Aphrodite’s oral persuasion.

But in the meantime, Agamemnon was hooked on Ares’ offer.

All those hidden treasures of the Trojans went through his mind.

His mind made up, he decided to go on a deer 🦌 hunt and then make his final decision.

. . .

Russian President Vladimir Putin was reading a report on the situation in Syria.

He had been informed that the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith was siding with the Turks in northern Syria while the medieval vampire Dracula was siding with the Kurds (against the Transylvanian-Wallachian nobleman’s old enemy the Turks).

Putin rubbed his head.

He had certainly come a long way from being a spy for a state based on atheistic dialectical materialism.

He had been getting loads of supernatural visitors the past few years as well as reading numerous reports of supernatural occurrences in various war zones.

“You should attack Israel 🇮🇱,” said Ares the Greek god of war who was standing in Putin’s office.

“Speak of the devil,” thought Putin who returned back to the present from his musings on the supernatural.

At one time he would have been surprised by the sudden appearance of the Greek god of war in his office but not anymore.

Ares meanwhile had just been given an out of this world blow job by Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal.

He had been promised a lot more if he could get Putin to attack Israel.

So Ares had promptly left Allatallahbel’s boudoir and hurried to Putin’s office.

“Why should I invade Israel?” Putin bit into his kosher smoked meat on rye sandwich.

“To take control of Israel’s hidden treasures,” Ares smiled temptingly.

“What hidden treasures?” Putin asked.

Ares then filled Putin’s mind with visions of Israel’s hidden treasures.

“I didn’t know Israel had such treasures,” Putin finished his kosher smoked meat on rye sandwich.

“It does,” said Ares whose smart phone suddenly went off.

He received a text message from his lover Aphrodite who was busy servicing an 84-year-old man with an inexhaustible mojo who lived in a small fishing 🎣 village in Italy.

“What an unfaithful floozy,” Ares said aloud before heading back to Allatallahbel’s boudoir.

Meanwhile Putin was thinking 🤔 about Ares’ visions of Israel’s hidden treasures.

He would go on a deer 🦌 hunt and then make up his mind.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 27th
2018.

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Erdogan Targets Kurds

January 20, 2018 at 9:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Erdogan Targets Kurds

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan was discussing with the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith the air bombing campaign he had unleashed against the Kurds in the Afrin region of northern Syria.

The combined air and ground campaign that Erdogan called Operation Olive Branch with his rather bizarre and macabre sense of humour had begun earlier today at 14:00 GMT.

It targeted the Kurdish YPG (Kurdish People’s Protection Units) that the Erdogan government labelled a “bunch of terrorists” (as they called all people who were opposed to Erdogan’s increasingly despotic and dictatorial rule).

Lilith was hoping that once Erdogan had finished taking out the Kurds, he’d then attack Israel and take out the Jews.

Then Lilith would finally get her revenge against the Jewish people for the libels she felt they told about her in the Babylonian Talmud.

But in the meantime despite Lilith’s urging, Erdogan was concentrating his efforts on the Kurds.

“These people are standing in the way of my making myself Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire,” Erdogan clenched his fists.

“Wouldn’t Trump be worried about you making yourself Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire?” Lilith asked.

“Oh, he might tweet about his manhood in one of his Twitter tweets and use for backup a possible Twitter endorsement from porn star Stormy Daniels to that effect but other than that he’ll do nothing,” Erdogan asserted.

“Isn’t there anyone in any of the NATO countries who’s clued in to what you’re doing?” Lilith asked.

“Well that newly elected British MP Renfield R. Renfield is,” Erdogan admitted, “which is why it was most unfortunate that members of the German Opera Lovers’
Association weren’t successful in murdering Mr. Renfield for murdering the Liebestod from Tristan und Isolde in the British House of Commons last night.”

Meanwhile back in London, Renfield was chuckling over a newspaper headline he was reading about today’s feminist march in Washington DC – HEFTY HIDEOUS HARPIES HOWL HYSTERICALLY.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday January 20th
2018.

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Renfield’s Facebook Video

December 11, 2017 at 8:46 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Facebook Video

“What’s with the large supply of cut and peeled onions on the kitchen table?” Amadeus asked Renfield as he entered the kitchen

“I used them to make my eyes water and look like I’m crying 😭,” Renfield explained.

“Why would you want to do that?” Amadeus grabbed some onions and a slice of cheese 🧀 and put them on his toast.

“I was just reading in the paper about this boy in Tennessee named Keaton Jones who was being bullied,” said Renfield, “his mother made a video of him talking about his experiences and put it on Facebook last Friday. It has since gone viral and racked up 22 million views.”

“What does this have to do with peeling onions and making your eyes water?” Amadeus asked.

“Well a whole bunch of celebrities have offered to be friends with him and have invited him to various events,” Renfield pointed out, “including one very hot looking babe the young actress and singer Hailee Steinfeld who asked him to be her date for the premiere of the movie Pitch Perfect 3.”

“I see,” Amadeus was indeed starting to see where this was going.

“So I just made a video about me being bullied,” Renfield went on, “that I’ve posted to Facebook. Peeling the onions made it look like I’ve been crying. I also posted a link to that video on Miss Steinfeld’s Twitter feed in hopes that she’ll invite me on a date with her.”

“When have you ever been bullied?” Amadeus asked.

“I haven’t,” Renfield grinned, “but Miss Steinfeld doesn’t know that. Besides I put on a very realistic performance. The peeled onions made it look like I’ve been crying heavily and then squeezing my balls with a pair of pliers underneath the kitchen table gave me the right intense look of agony.”

“Where and by whom have you been bullied in this bullying incident that never happened?” Amadeus queried.

“I claimed I was being bullied by my fellow MPs in the British House of Commons parliamentary cafeteria for eating tuna fish sandwiches,” Renfield feigned fake tears again, “they laughed at me and called me names and said that since I didn’t have a red nose, I wouldn’t be guiding Santa Claus’ sleigh on Christmas Eve. They told me that a real Brit would eat one of Britain’s national dishes like a roast beef sandwich for lunch or at least Britain’s other national dish which is curried lentils wrapped in naan bread. Only a total loser would eat tuna fish sandwiches every day they said to me.”

Renfield was getting so caught up in his own rhetoric about this bullying incident that never happened, he was giving quite the salt water performance.

Amadeus buried his head in his hands. This would probably be yet another Renfieldian dating ploy that would backfire.

. . .

Meanwhile in Ankara Turkey, that country’s bully Recep Tayyip Erdogan was meeting with Russian President President Vladimir Putin to discuss their new moves for the Middle East in the wake of Donald Trump’s recognition of Jerusalem as the capital of Israel 🇮🇱.

Hours earlier Putin had met with Syrian President Bashar al-Assad at the Russian Hmeimim Air Base near the Syrian port city of Lattakia.

Meanwhile in the port city of Lattakia itself, a beautiful young woman giantess (who days before had been a statue of the Palmyrene Empire Queen Zenobia in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea waters off the coast of Lattakia) was walking through the town.

She laughed heartedly when she saw someone holding an android tablet where a Facebook video of some British Member of Parliament who said he was being bullied for eating tuna fish sandwiches was being played.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 11th
2017.

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