Reblog of Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv

December 9, 2018 at 9:34 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

A vampire novel chapter I wrote over 3 years ago called Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv- featuring two characters who have recently come back into my vampire novel after a long absence- the Kraken who calls himself Napoleon VI and Medusa the ex-Gorgon.

Dracul Van Helsing

Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv

The cyborg octopus Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (he had been Italian sanity challenged scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of the cyborg/octopus he had prepared in his lab) stepped on to the shore of Tel Aviv, Israel.

Medusa (the former gorgon who had finally got rid of her snaky hairstyle thanks to Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robotic barber that he had invented) walked on water and then on to the shore wearing a beautiful aquamarine blue evening dress.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted an American Southern Baptist minister who was suntanning on the beach, “do you see that beautiful woman who can walk on water?”.

As the Baptist minister wrestled with himself over the most pressing theological question on his mind at the moment- whether or not masturbation was a sin- he failed to take notice of the Kraken who…

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Qonzilqointec Reads Report On Kraken and Medusa

September 10, 2015 at 5:33 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec Reads Report On Kraken and Medusa

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec sat in her silk nightgown and read an email she had received from an MI-6 Agent whose code name was Diablos Nocturna.

She had never met Diablos Nocturna in person but the two had met on-line and had discovered they both had a mutual enemy.

They agreed to share information.

Diablos had sent her a copy of a report that he had received from an Israeli Mossad agent whose code name was The Controller of The Golem.

The report chronicled the movements of a Kraken sized octopus who was skateboarding across the state of Israel.

At his side as he skateboarded across Israel was a beautiful long haired redheaded woman who always wore the most elegant evening dresses and who had the ability to glide inches above the ground as she walked.

The Kraken and the redhead were first spotted at a global courier delivery service in downtown Tel Aviv where the woman arranged to have a dozen shopping bags couriered to her penthouse apartment in London.

They then went up to the Sea of Galilee at the woman’s insistence so that she could walk on water up there.

“I’m giving these people something they haven’t seen in 2000 years,” she said to the Kraken as tourists hastily took pictures with their smart phones.

A divinity professor at Yale who thought all of Christ’s miracles were strictly symbolic and that nobody could actually walk on water died of a heart attack when his daughter emailed him the picture.

He couldn’t fathom the thought of having to revise all his theories and revise all those textbooks he had written.

They then went to Cana of Galilee where the Kraken, wanting to upstage the redhead’s miracle of walking on water, tried to turn pitchers of water into lager beer at an American biker’s outdoor motorcycle wedding.

When the attempted miracle failed abysmally, the Kraken found himself being pursued by a group of angry tattooed motorcycle gang members and their equally angry tattooed brides.

The redhead who called herself Medusa had wisely ascended into the sky and headed off to Jerusalem before the Kraken had even attempted his water into beer wedding miracle.

She had recently seen the Kraken attempt to pull a rabbit out of a silk hat at a Mafia wedding in Sicily and when he had pulled out the local Mafia don’s mistress’ personally monogrammed panties instead, that had not gone over so well.

The Kraken jumped on his skateboard and headed out of town just before sunset as the Hell’s Angels followed on hot pursuit on their motorcycles.

“I don’t recall this ever happening in Lady Gaga’s music video about Judas,” were the Kraken’s last words as he skated past the sign that said You Are Now Leaving Cana of Galilee.

. . .

The redheaded Medusa’s descent on to the Temple Mount on August 27th 2015 (on the 40th Anniversary of Ethiopian Emperor Haile Selassie’s death in Addis Ababa) frightened away both Orthodox Jewish wailer at the Western Wall and Muslim worshipper on the Temple Mount alike paving the way for the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI to skateboard on to the Temple Mount on his skateboard bearing the image of former Rastafarian Bob Marley.

The report from the Controller of the Golem that Qonzilqointec was reading bore the notation that the Controller had been immediately summoned by the Office of the Prime Minister of Israel Benjamin Netanyahu to report immediately to a West Jerusalem police station to take a sobriety test.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 27th
2015.

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Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv

August 18, 2015 at 7:16 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv

The cyborg octopus Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (he had been Italian sanity challenged scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of the cyborg/octopus he had prepared in his lab) stepped on to the shore of Tel Aviv, Israel.

Medusa (the former gorgon who had finally got rid of her snaky hairstyle thanks to Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robotic barber that he had invented) walked on water and then on to the shore wearing a beautiful aquamarine blue evening dress.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted an American Southern Baptist minister who was suntanning on the beach, “do you see that beautiful woman who can walk on water?”.

As the Baptist minister wrestled with himself over the most pressing theological question on his mind at the moment- whether or not masturbation was a sin- he failed to take notice of the Kraken who was helping himself to an 8 armsload of kosher hot dogs from a kosher hot dogs vendor on the beach.

The protesting kosher hots dog vendor found himself lifted and thrown into the water by one of the Kraken’s robotic metallic hook tentacles.

“What a pain in the ass!” The vendor shouted as the salt water licked the wounds of the spot where the metallic hooked tentacles had grabbed him.

Having eaten and then belched and then scratching his stomach (thankful that he no longer had to wear a belt), the Kraken headed off the beach and off in the direction of downtown Tel Aviv.

“Where are you going?” Medusa floated in the air alongside him.

“Finding myself a skateboard park,” said the Kraken, “I want to learn how to skateboard.”

“Okay,” said Medusa, “I hope you don’t mind if I spend some time shopping in Tel Aviv’s fashion district.”

“No, go ahead,” the Kraken shrugged his tentacles.

Unlike the former Bruce Jenner, Napoleon VI was one guy who didn’t really enjoy shopping for women’s clothing.

Napoleon VI had decided while doing the backstroke across the Mediterranean to go to Tel Aviv to learn to skateboard.

The reason? He felt compelled to go to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem for some reason.

An inner voice told him that there was a cavern underneath the Temple Mount that led to an underground sea deep under the mountain.

This underground sea stretched far and wide and connected with the currently underwater Garden of Eden at the head of the Persian Gulf where the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers flow into the sea.

The Kraken resolved to go to Jerusalem, go up the Temple Mount, find the underground cavern leading to the underground sea, swim to the undersea Garden of Eden, strangle the Cherubim sentinels with his robotic metallic hooked tentacles, and use the memory of his martial arts skills to use his 8 arms to do battle with the flaming sword that turned every which way while guarding the Tree of Life.

He would then eat the fruit of the Tree of Life so that he could live forever.

A back-up plan just on the off-chance that the Transhumanist scientific theories he subscribed to that he could make himself immortal by uploading his consciousness into a cyborg/ biological creature hybrid turned out to be wrong.

Of course for a great scientific genius like himself, he knew that was virtually impossible.

Still that one question about ethics in the practice of science on his final year of Undergraduate exams at Cambridge University had really tripped him up.

It blew his chances of getting a perfect score on that test.

So he realized it was better to be safe than dead.

Hence his desire to use the Jerusalem Temple Mount underground corridor to use the underground sea to reach the underwater Garden of Eden and eat of the fruit of the Tree of Life so he could live forever.

Just as California mass murderer Charles Manson believed that the Beatles’ song Helter Skelter was a prophecy of a coming race war in the United States (which may finally be coming true in 2015 thanks to trigger happy cops), so the Kraken Napoleon VI believed that the Beatles’ song An Octopus’ Garden In The Shade was a prophecy of his (the Kraken’s) finding the Garden of Eden under the sea.

So what did any of this have to do with his desire to learn to skateboard?

Well, the thought occurred to him that when he landed on the beaches of Tel Aviv, people might become suspicious if they noticed an 8 armed octopus with robotic metallic hooks on its tentacles walk from Tel Aviv to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.

They probably wouldn’t be as suspicious of Medusa now that she no longer sported snakes for curls in her hair.

Of course Medusa being a witch did have the power to glide inches above water and inches above the ground.

Still most Israelis would probably just think she was a woman who had successfully mastered Maharishi Mahesh Yogi’s Transcendental Meditation technique of yogic flying, the Kraken reflected, as the Beatles song The Fool On The Hill played from the radio of a Tel Aviv Chinese grocery store he passed on the street.

After all if a rock and roll slut like Madonna could claim to be a practitioner of Kabbalah, then surely an ex-Gorgon could be accepted as a yogic flying adept?

As for himself, the Kraken Napoleon VI figured that if he skateboarded all the way from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem’s Temple Mount, he wouldn’t be mistaken for such an oddity.

The Kraken found a Tel Aviv skateboard park.

The park was instantly cleared of hundreds of skateboarders for some reason when the 8 armed giant cyborg octopus Kraken made his appearance on the concrete.

One long haired heavy metal singer headbanger looking skateboarder who had fallen off his skateboard when the Kraken made his appearance was still lying dazed on the pavement when Napoleon VI pointed one of his cyborg hooked tentacle arms at him, “You.”

“Please,” the skateboarder pleaded, “I gave at the office.”

“And I gave at the sexually transmitted diseases clinic when I was human,” the Kraken shook his head, “I want you to teach me how to skateboard.”

One thing the skateboarder had learned in his young life was when an 8 armed octopus with metallic robotic hooks on his tentacles asks you to teach him how to skateboard, you don’t argue.

Within a couple of hours, the cyborg octopus Kraken had turned into a master skateboarder the same way an expert fisherman who spends his nights alone on a fishing boat turns into a master baiter.

Having completed his lesson, the Kraken grabbed the young headbanger’s skateboard and thanking him for both the lesson and the skateboard, he doffed his Napoleon Bonaparte style hat to him and bid him adieu.

“You’re welcome,” the young skateboarder supposed he should be grateful that he got away with his life intact but still, he reflected, that had been a darn expensive skateboard.

A Hezbollah suicide bomber (who had arrived in Tel Aviv clandestinely by sea on the orders of Barack Obama’s new bosom bum buddies the despotic mullahs of Iran) blew himself up prematurely when he saw the 8 armed cyborg octopus Kraken with metallic robotic hooks on his tentacles skate by on his skateboard that bore the image of reggae singer Bob Marley.

The Islamist terrorist was thus the only casualty of his premature detonation.

The skateboarding Kraken caught up with the beautiful Medusa just as she was leaving one of Tel Aviv’s most exclusive ladies’ fashion stores.

She was carrying dozens of shopping bags.

“Here carry these for me, will you,” she threw the shopping bags into the Kraken’s 8 arms as she started to glide above the ground.

“Me?” The Kraken almost fell off his skateboard under the weight of all those shopping bags.

“Well,” Medusa reached into her Gucci purse and brought out a compact mirror and hairbrush and started brushing her lovely snakeless hair, “you’ve got 8 arms, I’ve only got two.”

“How am I suppose to maneuver on this skateboard carrying all these bags all the way to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem?” The Kraken demanded to know.

“I’m sure you’ll find a way to manage,” Medusa pressed her fingers to her lips in thoughtful contemplation, “I wonder if I should pick up a few extra pairs of pantyhose?”.

“I hope we don’t get spotted by any other Krakens on the way there,” Napoleon VI sighed, “otherwise they’re going to think I’m a real sissy.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the period
August 1st to 17th
2015.

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Renfield In Israel

July 23, 2014 at 2:50 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield In Israel

Renfield flew his Boss’ private plane from London to Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv since U.S. and European commercial airlines suspended their flights there due to a Hamas rocket landing one mile away from the airport.

Renfield was to meet the Mossad agent called The Controller of The Golem.

He would then be taken to meet Ukrainian Vampiress Inna Hukulak who was in the protective custody of Mossad after she had been rescued by Israeli commandos from an FSB interrogation center in Moscow last month.

From Miss Hukulak, he would be given detailed information about Miss Hukulak’s personal arch-enemy the Russian Vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the FSB.

Miss Kireeva would then be the one to use to get close to Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Renfield’s meeting with the Controller of The Golem had been arranged by MI-6 Agent Diablos Nocturna.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 22nd
2014.

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Special Guest In Tel Aviv

June 12, 2014 at 7:23 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Special Guest In Tel Aviv

The Controller of The Golem waited at the Tel Aviv International Airport for a special guest to arrive by plane.

The guest had originally been flown to a secret military base in Israel and then transferred to a civilian plane.

The special guest was Ukrainian Vampiress Inna Huculak who had been held prisoner in an FSB interrogation center in Moscow for over a month.

The Controller of the Golem had discovered that Miss Huculak had held information that was of vital importance to Israel’s national security vis-a-vis Russia’s intentions for the Middle East.

So Israeli commandos had flown to Russia in the Israeli Air Force’s most advanced plane (one that was able to evade all forms of radar detection) and had stormed the FSB interrogation center (much to the surprise of FSB interrogators) and rescued Miss Huculak.

The Controller of The Golem was sure that Miss Huculak would find the Israelis to be much more amenable hosts to a Ukrainian national nationalist than Vladimir Putin’s Russians were.

. . .

When Russian President Vladimir Putin heard the news about Ukrainian Vampiress Inna Huculak’s rescue by the Israelis, he pounded the table.

“Damn Jews!” He exclaimed as he sent his lox and cream cheese bagel back to Tevhe’s Delicatessen in Moscow for not having enough cream cheese on it.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 12th
2014.

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