Sanhedrin Say Performing Passover Sacrifice Can End Covid-19 Pandemic
Sanhedrin Say Performing Passover Sacrifice Can End Covid-19 Pandemic
At a press conference today dealing with how the New Zealand government is battling the Coronavirus pandemic, New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern announced that she had declared both “the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny are essential workers” and that the children of New Zealand should not be worried that the pair are at all affected by the pandemic.
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, watching the New Zealand Prime Minister’s press conference on television, remarked, “Jacinda must have finally smoked that complimentary piece of legalized Canadian cannabis that I sent her.”
. . .
Barbados Prime Minister Mia Mottely was forced to announce that 20 ventilators destined for Barbados as part of an act of philanthropy pledged by Barbados born international pop star Rihanna were seized by the United States.
Shortly after Prime Minister Mottely’s announcement, U.S. President Donald Trump was sitting at his desk in the Oval Office when he was suddenly hit with a cream pie thrown in his face by an invisible entity.
“What’s with all these cream pies in the face lately?” Trump cried out, “And to top it off, it was laced with Mexican tacos and salsa sauce and guacamole cream. I hate anything Mexican.”
Trump then had Corona beer poured all over him by the same invisible entity.
“Now I’ve been hit by Corona,” Trump cried out.
Men wearing hazmat suits then entered the Oval Office and carried Trump off to a place where he could be quarantined.
. . .
Rihanna was social distancing at a closed astronomical observatory and livestreaming on line.
It was nighttime and as she sang, “Shine bright like a diamond… We’re like diamonds in the sky”, a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit holding a magic lantern film projector (that had been worked on by Houdini, Pantages, Nikola Tesla, Orson Welles and Hedy Lamarr) making him visible to people without them needing to drink Harvey Wallbangers, appeared peering through the glass at the top of the open air telescope and waved at the livestream viewing audience.
. . .
The Israeli Sanhedrin has petitioned both Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and U.S. President Donald Trump to allow the Passover Sacrifice to occur on the Temple Mount.
The Pesach sacrifice has not taken place on the Temple Mount in nearly 2000 years.
“The only thing preventing the Jewish people from performing the Passover sacrifice is the Israeli government,” Rabbi Hillel Weiss the spokesman for the Sanhedrin said.
Added Rabbi Weiss, “We are proposing bringing a temporary altar for one day to sacrifice one lamb for the entire Jewish nation.”
Dov Stein the Secretary to the Court of the Sanhedrin in Jerusalem Israel had written a letter to both Benjamin Netanyahu and Donald Trump asking for the ceremony to be performed.
Stein wrote in his letter to both men that if the sacrifice of the Passover lamb occurred in the spring feast beginning at sundown on Wednesday April 8th 2020 or Nisan 14th 5780 (Hebrew calendar), this would put an end to the Covid-19 pandemic that was currently a modern day plague on humanity.
. . .
Meanwhile in the intensive care unit of a U.S. Naval Hospital, Donald Trump was protesting that, unlike Britain’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson, he did not have the Coronavirus.
Meanwhile a creature who did not have a head but had the arms and torso of a man and had two slithering serpents for legs was running around the Donald’s bed.
The creature finally went under the bed and re-emerged with the head of a rooster that it then put on its human torso’s shoulders.
“You must forgive me for running around like a chicken with its head cut off,” the rooster headed creature apologized, “But that’s exactly what happened. Pan Goatee who had taken too many of the notorious Australian Uncle Ernie’s Chemicals of The Day thought I was an ugly looking woman and so cut my head off.”
“Who the Hell are you?” Trump asked.
“I’m the ancient Gnostic god Abraxas,” the creature replied, “And I want you to tell Netanyahu that he should allow the Sanhedrin to go ahead with its Passover Pascal lamb sacrifice this coming Wednesday.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 6th
2020.
Qonzilqointec Reads Report On Kraken and Medusa
Qonzilqointec Reads Report On Kraken and Medusa
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec sat in her silk nightgown and read an email she had received from an MI-6 Agent whose code name was Diablos Nocturna.
She had never met Diablos Nocturna in person but the two had met on-line and had discovered they both had a mutual enemy.
They agreed to share information.
Diablos had sent her a copy of a report that he had received from an Israeli Mossad agent whose code name was The Controller of The Golem.
The report chronicled the movements of a Kraken sized octopus who was skateboarding across the state of Israel.
At his side as he skateboarded across Israel was a beautiful long haired redheaded woman who always wore the most elegant evening dresses and who had the ability to glide inches above the ground as she walked.
The Kraken and the redhead were first spotted at a global courier delivery service in downtown Tel Aviv where the woman arranged to have a dozen shopping bags couriered to her penthouse apartment in London.
They then went up to the Sea of Galilee at the woman’s insistence so that she could walk on water up there.
“I’m giving these people something they haven’t seen in 2000 years,” she said to the Kraken as tourists hastily took pictures with their smart phones.
A divinity professor at Yale who thought all of Christ’s miracles were strictly symbolic and that nobody could actually walk on water died of a heart attack when his daughter emailed him the picture.
He couldn’t fathom the thought of having to revise all his theories and revise all those textbooks he had written.
They then went to Cana of Galilee where the Kraken, wanting to upstage the redhead’s miracle of walking on water, tried to turn pitchers of water into lager beer at an American biker’s outdoor motorcycle wedding.
When the attempted miracle failed abysmally, the Kraken found himself being pursued by a group of angry tattooed motorcycle gang members and their equally angry tattooed brides.
The redhead who called herself Medusa had wisely ascended into the sky and headed off to Jerusalem before the Kraken had even attempted his water into beer wedding miracle.
She had recently seen the Kraken attempt to pull a rabbit out of a silk hat at a Mafia wedding in Sicily and when he had pulled out the local Mafia don’s mistress’ personally monogrammed panties instead, that had not gone over so well.
The Kraken jumped on his skateboard and headed out of town just before sunset as the Hell’s Angels followed on hot pursuit on their motorcycles.
“I don’t recall this ever happening in Lady Gaga’s music video about Judas,” were the Kraken’s last words as he skated past the sign that said You Are Now Leaving Cana of Galilee.
. . .
The redheaded Medusa’s descent on to the Temple Mount on August 27th 2015 (on the 40th Anniversary of Ethiopian Emperor Haile Selassie’s death in Addis Ababa) frightened away both Orthodox Jewish wailer at the Western Wall and Muslim worshipper on the Temple Mount alike paving the way for the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI to skateboard on to the Temple Mount on his skateboard bearing the image of former Rastafarian Bob Marley.
The report from the Controller of the Golem that Qonzilqointec was reading bore the notation that the Controller had been immediately summoned by the Office of the Prime Minister of Israel Benjamin Netanyahu to report immediately to a West Jerusalem police station to take a sobriety test.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 27th
2015.
Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv
Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv
The cyborg octopus Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (he had been Italian sanity challenged scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of the cyborg/octopus he had prepared in his lab) stepped on to the shore of Tel Aviv, Israel.
Medusa (the former gorgon who had finally got rid of her snaky hairstyle thanks to Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robotic barber that he had invented) walked on water and then on to the shore wearing a beautiful aquamarine blue evening dress.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted an American Southern Baptist minister who was suntanning on the beach, “do you see that beautiful woman who can walk on water?”.
As the Baptist minister wrestled with himself over the most pressing theological question on his mind at the moment- whether or not masturbation was a sin- he failed to take notice of the Kraken who was helping himself to an 8 armsload of kosher hot dogs from a kosher hot dogs vendor on the beach.
The protesting kosher hots dog vendor found himself lifted and thrown into the water by one of the Kraken’s robotic metallic hook tentacles.
“What a pain in the ass!” The vendor shouted as the salt water licked the wounds of the spot where the metallic hooked tentacles had grabbed him.
Having eaten and then belched and then scratching his stomach (thankful that he no longer had to wear a belt), the Kraken headed off the beach and off in the direction of downtown Tel Aviv.
“Where are you going?” Medusa floated in the air alongside him.
“Finding myself a skateboard park,” said the Kraken, “I want to learn how to skateboard.”
“Okay,” said Medusa, “I hope you don’t mind if I spend some time shopping in Tel Aviv’s fashion district.”
“No, go ahead,” the Kraken shrugged his tentacles.
Unlike the former Bruce Jenner, Napoleon VI was one guy who didn’t really enjoy shopping for women’s clothing.
Napoleon VI had decided while doing the backstroke across the Mediterranean to go to Tel Aviv to learn to skateboard.
The reason? He felt compelled to go to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem for some reason.
An inner voice told him that there was a cavern underneath the Temple Mount that led to an underground sea deep under the mountain.
This underground sea stretched far and wide and connected with the currently underwater Garden of Eden at the head of the Persian Gulf where the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers flow into the sea.
The Kraken resolved to go to Jerusalem, go up the Temple Mount, find the underground cavern leading to the underground sea, swim to the undersea Garden of Eden, strangle the Cherubim sentinels with his robotic metallic hooked tentacles, and use the memory of his martial arts skills to use his 8 arms to do battle with the flaming sword that turned every which way while guarding the Tree of Life.
He would then eat the fruit of the Tree of Life so that he could live forever.
A back-up plan just on the off-chance that the Transhumanist scientific theories he subscribed to that he could make himself immortal by uploading his consciousness into a cyborg/ biological creature hybrid turned out to be wrong.
Of course for a great scientific genius like himself, he knew that was virtually impossible.
Still that one question about ethics in the practice of science on his final year of Undergraduate exams at Cambridge University had really tripped him up.
It blew his chances of getting a perfect score on that test.
So he realized it was better to be safe than dead.
Hence his desire to use the Jerusalem Temple Mount underground corridor to use the underground sea to reach the underwater Garden of Eden and eat of the fruit of the Tree of Life so he could live forever.
Just as California mass murderer Charles Manson believed that the Beatles’ song Helter Skelter was a prophecy of a coming race war in the United States (which may finally be coming true in 2015 thanks to trigger happy cops), so the Kraken Napoleon VI believed that the Beatles’ song An Octopus’ Garden In The Shade was a prophecy of his (the Kraken’s) finding the Garden of Eden under the sea.
So what did any of this have to do with his desire to learn to skateboard?
Well, the thought occurred to him that when he landed on the beaches of Tel Aviv, people might become suspicious if they noticed an 8 armed octopus with robotic metallic hooks on its tentacles walk from Tel Aviv to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.
They probably wouldn’t be as suspicious of Medusa now that she no longer sported snakes for curls in her hair.
Of course Medusa being a witch did have the power to glide inches above water and inches above the ground.
Still most Israelis would probably just think she was a woman who had successfully mastered Maharishi Mahesh Yogi’s Transcendental Meditation technique of yogic flying, the Kraken reflected, as the Beatles song The Fool On The Hill played from the radio of a Tel Aviv Chinese grocery store he passed on the street.
After all if a rock and roll slut like Madonna could claim to be a practitioner of Kabbalah, then surely an ex-Gorgon could be accepted as a yogic flying adept?
As for himself, the Kraken Napoleon VI figured that if he skateboarded all the way from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem’s Temple Mount, he wouldn’t be mistaken for such an oddity.
The Kraken found a Tel Aviv skateboard park.
The park was instantly cleared of hundreds of skateboarders for some reason when the 8 armed giant cyborg octopus Kraken made his appearance on the concrete.
One long haired heavy metal singer headbanger looking skateboarder who had fallen off his skateboard when the Kraken made his appearance was still lying dazed on the pavement when Napoleon VI pointed one of his cyborg hooked tentacle arms at him, “You.”
“Please,” the skateboarder pleaded, “I gave at the office.”
“And I gave at the sexually transmitted diseases clinic when I was human,” the Kraken shook his head, “I want you to teach me how to skateboard.”
One thing the skateboarder had learned in his young life was when an 8 armed octopus with metallic robotic hooks on his tentacles asks you to teach him how to skateboard, you don’t argue.
Within a couple of hours, the cyborg octopus Kraken had turned into a master skateboarder the same way an expert fisherman who spends his nights alone on a fishing boat turns into a master baiter.
Having completed his lesson, the Kraken grabbed the young headbanger’s skateboard and thanking him for both the lesson and the skateboard, he doffed his Napoleon Bonaparte style hat to him and bid him adieu.
“You’re welcome,” the young skateboarder supposed he should be grateful that he got away with his life intact but still, he reflected, that had been a darn expensive skateboard.
A Hezbollah suicide bomber (who had arrived in Tel Aviv clandestinely by sea on the orders of Barack Obama’s new bosom bum buddies the despotic mullahs of Iran) blew himself up prematurely when he saw the 8 armed cyborg octopus Kraken with metallic robotic hooks on his tentacles skate by on his skateboard that bore the image of reggae singer Bob Marley.
The Islamist terrorist was thus the only casualty of his premature detonation.
The skateboarding Kraken caught up with the beautiful Medusa just as she was leaving one of Tel Aviv’s most exclusive ladies’ fashion stores.
She was carrying dozens of shopping bags.
“Here carry these for me, will you,” she threw the shopping bags into the Kraken’s 8 arms as she started to glide above the ground.
“Me?” The Kraken almost fell off his skateboard under the weight of all those shopping bags.
“Well,” Medusa reached into her Gucci purse and brought out a compact mirror and hairbrush and started brushing her lovely snakeless hair, “you’ve got 8 arms, I’ve only got two.”
“How am I suppose to maneuver on this skateboard carrying all these bags all the way to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem?” The Kraken demanded to know.
“I’m sure you’ll find a way to manage,” Medusa pressed her fingers to her lips in thoughtful contemplation, “I wonder if I should pick up a few extra pairs of pantyhose?”.
“I hope we don’t get spotted by any other Krakens on the way there,” Napoleon VI sighed, “otherwise they’re going to think I’m a real sissy.”
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the period
August 1st to 17th
2015.
The Mysterious Figure Atop Mount Moriah
The Mysterious Figure Atop Mount Moriah
A mysterious figure walked atop Mount Moriah.
The mount called Temple Mount by the Jews.
And Haram al-Sharif (Noble Sanctuary) by the Muslims.
The man was not seen by either Israeli or Palestinian as he walked atop the mount.
A strong wind suddenly blew down on top of the Mount as he walked.
A voice seemed to echo out of the wind as it engulfed the mount, “What angel directs this whirlwind?”.
The man suddenly vanished.
And darkness fell over the city of Jerusalem as a major massive power outage occurred and a huge dark cloud settled over the city blocking out the stars.
“The lights have gone out over Jerusalem,” a voice said in the darkness.
“And we shall not see them lit again in our lifetime,” a voice next to him answered.
The sound of machine gun fire echoed through the night.
Then the sound of two bodies dropping to the ground.
And then silence.
An eerie silence.
And then the howl of a jackal.
The Night of the Jackal was at hand.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday November 30th
2014.
Vampiress Isis Meets Dr. Cadbury Rocher In Paris
Vampiress Isis Meets Dr. Cadbury Rocher In Paris
The Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis felt like a school girl for some reason as she sat in a white dress in a Parisienne cafe on this Friday evening in mid-October.
And it had been well over 3000 years since she had last been a school girl.
She was about to meet Dr. Cadbury Rocher who was probably the greatest scientific mind of the early 21st Century.
Although few people had heard of him or known about his ability.
For Dr. Cadbury Rocher worked as a research scientist for her brother, brother-in-law, rival and arch-enemy the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set.
No one knew how much money Set paid him for Set kept it a secret.
That way no government or private individual or corporation knew how much money to offer him to snatch his services away from Set.
Plus Dr. Cadbury Rocher was also bound to Set in some sort of strange Egyptian Black Magic blood oath ceremony involving the burning of 9 tana leaves, the drinking of 100 tea leaves and the smoking of 666 marijuana leaves.
Still that wasn’t as bad as a bunch of wealthy country club Republicans running around in the nude and burning an effigy of an infant to a giant 40 foot owl in a bizarre form of Moloch and Ishtar worship like what happens at the Bohemian Grove every summer near San Francisco.
Whenever Isis went through one of her dieting crazes, she always watched the unedited version of the Alex Jones filming of the Bohemian Grove ceremony which immediately killed her appetite.
She also could never bring herself to shake Henry Kissinger’s hand ever again whenever she met him after seeing the unedited version of that video.
A Parisienne lady of the evening had also given up one of her most frequent fellatio receiving clients after viewing the unedited video in Isis’ Paris penthouse apartment.
However despite Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s blood oath to Set, something had happened this past week that changed the nature of the relationship between Dr. Rocher and Set.
Isis found out about it in a phone call when a constantly yawning Randall Hopkins had phoned her in a very irritating phone call last Friday evening.
( For the reason why Randall Hopkins Private Eye was yawning please read
https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2014/10/20/randall-hopkins-private-eye/ )
So Randall Hopkins had found out that Set Enterprises (the scientific research and development firm owned by Set) needed to cut $2 billion in expenditures from its operating budget according to an audit conducted by professional chartered accountant Ian Mandell Boring who went by his initials I. M. Boring.
Then two days ago on Wednesday morning Isis received a phone call from her London hired private eye gumshoe spy Randall Hopkins saying that he had just received a phone call from his Deep Throat source within Set Enterprises Miss Miranda Singh who was the secretary to Set Enterprises’ Executive Vice-President Watson Holmes.
Apparently Watson Holmes and the billionaire Egyptian vampire Set would be having a dinner meeting with
Dr. Cadbury Rocher that night in the main dining room of London’s St. James’ Court Hotel hoping that a good meal of steak and lobster would help ease the pain as they gently broke the news to Dr. Rocher that the $2 billion in cuts would be coming out of the good doctor’s laboratory research budget.
Miranda told the private eye that Dr. Rocher had consulted Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster (a lobster with amazing psychic abilities that Dr. Rocher had genetically created in the lab) at the morning coffee break on the Set Enterprises’ premises and asked him what would happen at the St. James’ Court Hotel steak and lobster dinner meeting with Set and Watson Holmes.
Michelangelo used his lobster antennae hooked up with wires to Dr. Rocher’s computer to communicate telepathically to the computer screen the cryptic remark that he had a bad feeling about the whole thing.
Randall Hopkins Private Eye maxed out his credit card by booking a last-minute reservation to the St. James’ Court Hotel main dining room and more specifically to a table right next to where Set, Watson Holmes and Dr. Cadbury Rocher would be sitting.
Fearing that Set and Watson Holmes might recognize him as the man who had sat next to their table at the Savoy Hotel main dining room last Friday night, Randall Hopkins wore a Halloween style pair of dark glasses and Groucho Marx mustache so as not to draw attention by making a spectacle of himself.
At the table on the other side of Randall Hopkins sat former U. S. Secretary of State Henry Kissinger who was on his cell phone talking to elderly Hollywood actress and former sex symbol Mamie Van Doren.
Dr. Kissinger cooed and purred in his thick German accent over the phone, “Oooh, baby… I really loved you in that movie High School Confidential” as his glasses fogged up over the phone.
Mamie Van Doren.
That name sounded familiar to Randall Hopkins for some reason.
He had seen an old movie trailer for a Mamie Van Doren film on YouTube.
The announcer’s voice for the movie trailer said, “Mamie Van Doren in 3-D. She’ll knock both your eyes out” as the camera focused in on two huge protruding points near the top of Mamie Van Doren’s tight fitting sweater.
Meanwhile at the table on the other side of Randall Hopkins, Set and Watson Holmes had just informed Dr. Cadbury Rocher the unhappy news that $2 billion would be axed from his laboratory research budget.
“$2 billion?!” The lobster tail that Dr. Rocher spit out of his mouth upon hearing this news landed in Dr. Kissinger’s Baked Alaska as the former U.S. Secretary of State received an incoming phone call from Vladimir Putin threatening a nuclear missile attack on America.
“It could have been worse,” Watson Holmes sent back his over cooked steak tartare, “it could have been £2 billion that I. M. Boring suggested needed to be cut. Lucky for you that Mr. Boring got his accounting degree at an American rather than a British business school.”
“Still $2 billion,” Dr. Rocher wept into his lime sorbet, “this will mean the death of the Pegasus project.”
“I’m afraid so,” said Set who was so hungry that he was eating a horse although the menu listed it as la viande de cheval.
“But after all the things I’ve created and developed for you over the years that made you billions and billions,” Dr. Rocher did his best impersonation of astronomer Carl Sagan, “and this is the thanks I get.”
“Well it’s like the whip-wielding dominatrix said,” Set replied while remembering an experience he had in a nightclub of the Berlin of the 1920s, “it’s the bottom line that counts.”
“But it’s been my lifelong dream,” Dr. Cadbury Rocher licked the whipped cream off the gingerbread cookie gingerbread woman figure of Penelope Cruz, “to genetically create a winged horse like Pegasus of classical myth.”
“Well,” Set sighed as he ate the horse’s tail, “sometimes our dreams don’t always come true.”
He recalled his dream of banging his sister Isis on a hot steamy and sultry Egyptian night millenia ago- a dream that never came true.
(Psychiatrists and reality TV shows would have had a field day if they had been around in the days of ancient Egyptian royalty!)
“That does it,” Dr. Cadbury Rocher stood up to leave, “I quit. I resign my position at Set Enterprises. Blood oath or no blood oath. You can take your blood oath and shove it up your ass.”
Considering the immense constipation problem Set would have that night as a result of eating a whole horse, that might have made for an excellent enema.
. . .
And now the Vampiress Isis was hoping to convince Dr. Cadbury Rocher to come work for her.
And put her brother, husband and lover Osiris’ sub-atomic particles back together again.
At that moment a cock crew on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the time period
Friday October 24th
to
Wednesday October 29th
2014.