The Golem of Prague Has Gone Missing

February 19, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Politics, Spy Tales, Technology, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )


DARPA Contract Assassiness and Renfield associate Panty Goatee in Prague on the lookout for the Golem of Prague

“The Golem of Prague has gone missing, gentlemen,” British MP Renfield R. Renfield announced somewhat somberly over his rum and coke to the ghosts of Orson Welles and Sir Winston Churchill.

“Mazel tov,” exclaimed Orson Welles’ ghost inappropriately and somewhat less soberly over his spectral bottle of Mogen David wine.

“Gazooks!” Churchill’s ghost put down his spectral lox and cream cheese bagel.

“Yes, I just got a text message from the Controller of The Golem,” Renfield referred to the Israeli Mossad Agent who went by that code name, “The Golem of Prague went missing last night from the invisible corner of the attic of Prague’s Old New Synagogue when the cantor punched in his invisible co-ordinates on his mobile phone to see if the Golem was still present albeit invisibly.”

“Holy contradiction in terms, Batman,” Churchill’s ghost remarked in somewhat Robinesque fashion, “how did that happen?”.

“Well according to video surveillance footage,” Renfield looked at the footage on his Huawei smart phone, “the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith and the Transylvanian Count Dracula (who appeared to be in a hypnotic state) flew into the attic and minutes later were seen carrying out a very visible Golem. The video has been shared 666 million times on social media because during the Golem heist, the vampiress Lilith was wearing the last evening dress that House of Chanel Creative Fashion Director Karl Lagerfeld (September 10th 1933 – February 19th 2019) who died earlier today had ever designed.”

“Lilith was wearing a Karl Lagerfeld evening gown when she stole the Golem?” Welles’ ghost dropped his cigar in incredulity.

“Say what you will about Lilith,” Renfield poured himself a glass of Glenlivet Single Malt Whisky, “The vampiress does have impeccable good taste.”

“But how was she able to access the code for the invisible corner of the attic of Prague’s Old New Synagogue?” Churchill’s ghost bit deep into his spectral cigar spilling ectoplasmic ash all over his spirited spiritly suit, “only the Controller of the Golem and his designated successor within Mossad know the complicated access code which is to be found in the world’s only Jewish Chinese abacus the whereabouts in Israel that only the Controller and his successor know. Such has always been the case since the state of Israel was created back in 1948.”

“I don’t know how the code was cracked,” Renfield cracked himself a walnut as Donald Trump appeared on his smart phone extolling the virtues of building a wall.

. . .

“It was pure luck,” the somewhat inebriated Irish leprechaun Yaldabaoth (son of the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom Sophia when she was still a virgin although she was helped in terms of genetic manipulation and cloning techniques by the immortal Egyptian priest-scientist Imhotep) told Stephen Colbert the host of the Late Show, “I really didn’t know how to crack the code. But after drinking 200 pints of Guinness, ask me to do anything and I’ll probably do it. Which explains how I wound up face down in the gutter in front of the Apostolic home of the recently defrocked former Cardinal Theodore McCarrick back when he was still Archbishop of Washington DC. I woke up with an awfully sore rectum I do recall.”

“And did Lilith actually wear the last evening gown that Karl Lagerfeld ever designed before he died when she abducted the Golem of Prague?” Colbert asked.

“That she did,” Yaldabaoth nodded as he helped himself to a can of Samuel Adams GOAT Beer and then tossed it aside when he noticed his half-brother’s picture on it, “a Karl Lagerfeld evening dress, red silk nylons and blue spiked stiletto high heeled shoes. I myself wore a pair of green silk tights and a denim mini skirt that I had bought from Old Navy.”

“Are you trying to copy my transsexual transgendered habits?” Yaldabaoth’s younger brother/sister the Baphomet (the male/female human goat demon hybrid that was the son/daughter of the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom Sophia after she had made out with the Greek nature satyr god Pan) lunged at him from the audience.

“We appear to have a fight going on between a transgendered human goat demon hybrid and an Irish leprechaun,” Colbert informed his audience.

Meanwhile backstage the Nazi SS vampiress Helga Electrafreudenbund awaited to talk to Yaldabaoth.

She had failed in her own mission to destroy the Golem back during World War II.
She had ended up being strangled by the Golem of Prague but was brought back to life by Dr. Josef Mengele and then turned into a vampiress by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.

. . .

“The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith is behind much of the anti-Semitism currently happening in Britain and France,” Renfield explained to Welles and Churchill, “Vengeance for what she said was the defamation and libel of her good name in The Babylonian Talmud.”

“What about the current anti-Semitism in the Labour Party?” Churchill asked.

“I’ll have to ask my good friend Liverpool Wavertree MP Luciana Berger,” Renfield replied, “formerly of the Labour Party but left yesterday with 6 other former Labour MPs to form the Independent Group.”


Liverpool Wavertree MP Luciana Berger in much happier times last summer.
Getting her picture taken by fellow MP Renfield R. Renfield as he did his impersonation of Groucho Marx smoking a cigar and doing his hybrid duck/penguin walk.

-A vampire novel
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 19th
2019.

R.I.P. Karl Lagerfeld
September 10th 1933
to
February 19th 2019.


Naomi Campbell wearing an outfit designed by Karl Lagerfeld

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Lilith Takes The Crown

August 22, 2017 at 7:10 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Lilith Takes The Crown

Lilith was being crowned Queen of the Universe at a ceremony in a chapel at the Vatican in Rome.

The cardinal doing the crowning was the Zeus and Apollo worshipping Cardinal JM (JM stood for his secret society moniker Judas Manasseh).

He was assisted in this by his secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe.

The ancient Babylonian vampiress was wearing a beautiful scarlet red evening dress as she was being crowned.

Also present at the ceremony was Nimrod a little green frog.

Nimrod was supposed to be in charge of carrying the flowers for the ceremony but, being a frog, he ate them instead.

As Nimrod was busy hiccoughing rose petals from his mouth, the demon Asmodeus was busy filling up the chapel with his cigarette smoke from his irritatingly bad cigarette smoking habit.

His demonic acquaintances tried to talk him into wearing a nicotine patch which he did but it didn’t seem to work for him.

Coughing on Asmodeus’ cigarette smoke was the grey wolf formerly known as Adolf (a grey wolf whose body had been possessed by the spirit of Adolf Hitler after it had been granted permission by Hades and Persephone to leave the Underworld and wander the Earth for awhile at the Germanic god Wotan’s request which he asked of the Greek chthonic deities through his emissary Thor).

Adolf hadn’t liked cigarette smoke in his previous life and didn’t think much of it in this one either.

But seeing as how he was no longer the Fuhrer of Germany, he could no longer order that Asmodeus be shot by firing squad.

Not that demons were prone to death by firing squad anyways.

When the ceremony was over, they walked outside to enjoy the sunset over Rome.

The grey wolf formerly known as Adolf then started howling that he had an idea on how to cause trouble for Russia.

Since no one in the party understood lupine, they ignored the grey wolf’s howling.

The psychic seer Cassandra Sibylline walked by and she could understand the lupine language.

She said, “The wolf is saying that if you want to destabilize Russia, then go to Hades and Persephone and request that the spirit of Grigori Rasputin be allowed to leave the Underworld and return to Russia for a while.”

A party strategist for the U.S. Democratic National Committee (DNC) walked by and thought that was an excellent suggestion.

He would report back to Hillary Clinton with that suggestion since she was still wanting revenge against Russia for costing her (in her opinion) the last U.S. Presidential election.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 22nd
2017.

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The Cat Who Ate Wolves For Breakfast (Plus Lunch and Supper)

April 20, 2017 at 5:03 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Horror, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Russian Spetsnaz special forces who had parachuted into Kiev last Thursday under the command of the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith were werewolves.

They were a special type of werewolf.

Each soldier was a bodark werewolf.

A bodark is a person who wants to become a werewolf in Russia (as opposed to a a wawkalak who was just turned into a werewolf through the evil actions of the Devil).

To become a bodark, a person would run into a forest and stab a copper knife into a tree (while such an action might be pleasing to manufacturers of copper knives as well as those with huge investments in the copper industry, the undertaking doesn’t go over so well with Greenpeace and tree huggers everywhere).

While still holding on to the knife in the innocently stabbed tree, the would-be bodark is required to repeat this chant:

“On the sea, on the ocean, on the island, on Bujan,
On the empty pasture gleams the moon, on an ashstock lying
In a green wood, in a gloomy vale.
Toward the stock wandereth a shaggy wolf.
Horned cattle seeking for his sharp white fangs;
But the wolf enters not the forest,
But the wolf dives not into the shadowy vale,
Moon, moon, gold-horned moon,
Cheek the flight of bullets, blunt the hunters’ knives,
Break the shepherds’ cudgels,
Cast wild fear upon all cattle,
On men, on all creeping things,
That they may not catch the grey wolf,
That they may not rend his warm skin
My word is binding, more binding than sleep,
More binding than the promise of a hero!”

Once the tree has been stabbed and the incantation chanted (with Taylor Swift singing “Boys only want love if it’s torture” in the background), the person runs off into a forest and changes into a werewolf as he does so.

Once these Russian Spetsnaz special forces soldiers had become full-fledged grey wolf bodark werewolves, Vladimir Putin put these men under the command of the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith in a secret treaty he signed with her shortly after his 2014 annexation of Crimea.

Lilith’s Bodark Grey Wolf Squadron did not turn into werewolves during a full moon.

Instead they turned into werewolves after listening to an old Gramophone recording of Josef Stalin singing the Soviet National Anthem in concert with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (under a never revealed protocol of the Tehran Conference that was held from November 28th to December 1st 1943, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir were secretly flown to Moscow on December 26th 1943 (thereby missing out on Utah Boxing Day sales) to make the recording in musical choral accompaniment with Josef Stalin.

As Lilith played the recording turning the Russian Spetsnaz special forces commandos into grey wolf bodark werewolves, another grey wolf was walking the streets of Kiev.

The grey wolf was none other than the ancient Germanic god Wotan’s mortal son Adolf Hitler.

He had been granted permission to leave the Underworld by Hades and Persephone after Thor paid a visit on Odin/Wotan’s behalf requesting that they do so.

The grey wolf formerly known as Adolf stopped in its tracks when it heard the voice of Josef Stalin singing the Soviet National Anthem.

The grey wolf formerly known as Adolf visualized the Hungarian actor Bela Lugosi as Count Dracula saying, “Listen to him, the constipated dictator of the night. What a racket he makes.”

When the Gramophone finished playing and the commandos became grey wolf bodark werewolves, they were immediately attacked and eaten by a giant black cat.

The name of the giant black cat was Amorous Laetitia (whose name had inspired the title of a recent papal document although the first name was spelled differently in the Apostolic Exhortation).

Amorous Laetitia was the name of the personal pet cat and familiar of Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft.

Hecate had recently been beheaded by Pan Goatee’s astrally projected laser machete while she was in her crone form.

The head had been taken to a New York City cryogenics lab but the lab had been broken into by Loki and Fenrir and Fenrir had eaten the head.

Since then, Amorous Laetitia had torn apart every wolf she had come across in hopes she’d find her mistress’ head.

When she didn’t find it, she just ate the rest of the disemboweled wolf,

After seeing the black cat Amorous Laetitia eat the Spetsnaz bodarks, the grey wolf formerly known as Adolf ran down an alley and entered a building for safety.

The building turned out to be Brodsky Synagogue which was Kiev’s largest.

The grey wolf formerly known as Adolf could not help but think that the gods of the universe were playing some sort of cosmic joke on him.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 20th
2017.

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Polonium-210 Will Ruin A Glass of Scotch

October 12, 2016 at 4:12 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

MI-6 Agent Diablos Nocturna was off to his meeting with the Mossad agent called the Controller of the Golem.

They were to meet in a pub in central London to discuss certain geopolitical happenings involving Russia and the Middle East.

When he opened the door to his room, standing there was the Phoenician vampiress Ashtoreth (looking not a day over 30) wearing a lovely pink evening dress.

She bit Diablos on the neck and drew him back into the apartment.

His meeting would be delayed.

, . .

The Controller of the Golem was sitting in the George and Dragon Pub sipping a glass of Scotch and soda.

A red-headed woman in a low-cut black evening dress and carrying a tray of pretzels bent over in front of him showing off her front assets.

“Pretzel, sir?” she smiled a smile flashing her white vampiric incisors.

But the Controller’s eyes were elsewhere, “Don’t mind if I do. I’ve also got a hankering for coconuts for some reason.”

“So does half the city of London,” she continued smiling as she dropped the vial of Polonium-210 in his Scotch and soda.

The Babylonian vampiress Lilith moved her backwards assets in a most delectable fashion as she walked away from the Controller.

The Controller sipped his Scotch and soda, screamed “El Shaddai!” and promptly keeled over.

“You see, Harold,” some constipated looking old bat of a wife nagged her sheepish looking husband a few tables away, “I was right not to let you take a pretzel from that shameless hussy. That could be you lying on the floor right now.”

“A pity it wasn’t,” the henpecked husband thought to himself.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 12th
2016

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Baltimore and The End of America

April 28, 2015 at 7:10 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Baltimore and The End of America

Russian President Vladimir Putin and the Babylonian Vampiress Lilith were watching the Baltimore riots on television.

“A house divided against itself cannot stand,” Putin recalled Abraham Lincoln’s words as he watched the riots unfold on the TV screen.

“Yes,” the Vampiress Lilith nodded as she stood in her green silk evening dress, “you’ve already won the Third World War, Vladimir. No need for you to destroy America. America has already destroyed itself from within.”

Putin chewed his fingernails as he reflected on Lilith’s words.

“You could if you want to,” Lilith said, “move and take not only eastern Ukraine but also Kiev itself and all of Ukraine. You could take all of Central and Eastern Europe and even Germany itself. And establish a new European wide Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. And America would do nothing.”

Putin looked at Lilith.

“America would do nothing,” Lilith reiterated, “Oh, Arizona Sen. John McCain would probably give a speech in the U.S. Senate in which he’d go totally ballistic. U. S. President Barack Obama would probably make a guest appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live (shutting down LA streets and freeways in the Presidential motorcade process pissing off and making irate loads of LA motorists) and say what a nasty unpleasant fellow that Vladimir Putin is while the audience applauds and Jimmy Kimmel checks his live tweet updates. Bruce Jenner will issue a statement saying that he won’t be seeking any transgender treatments in Russia. And Kim Kardashian will moon the Russian Ambassador in Washington DC. But other than that, America will do nothing.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 28th
2015.

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The Frog and Angela Merkel

March 14, 2015 at 8:34 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Frog and Angela Merkel

German Chancellor Angela Merkel told her secretary that she’d be spending the day at a spa to get herself rejuvenated.

After spending a pleasant time at the spa, she went to a quiet Berlin restaurant to have dinner.

She ordered the soup and salad.

The waiter brought her the potato soup.

Just then, Mrs. Merkel received a call on her mobile.

She noticed it was from Barack Obama.

She stepped outside on to the patio balcony to take the call undisturbed.

“Yes, Mr. President,” the Chancellor spoke into the phone.

“Hi Madame Chancellor, I’m just phoning you for some advice,” President Obama said, “I was wondering if you’d think Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu would take it as a personal insult if I sent him as a gift some Bavarian smoked sausages made with pork instead of beef?”.

“Well yes,” Mrs. Merkel replied, “I would think Mr. Netanyahu would very much take it as a personal insult.”

“Thanks, Madame Chancellor,” President Obama then got on the other line to his U.S.Secretary of State John Kerry, “By all means, send the Bavarian smoked sausages made with pork as a pre-election gift to Prime Minister Netanyahu this coming Israeli election night eve.”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel then went back to her soup.

A little green frog leapt out of her soup.

“Waiter, there was a frog in my soup,” Mrs. Merkel called out to the waiter.

“A frog?” The waiter was surprised, “Don’t you mean a fly?”.

“Ribbit, ribbit,” the frog said as he sat on the table.

. . .

The German Chancellor’s personal secretary entered her office that night and was surprised to see the very young looking and very beautiful ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith sitting in the Chancellor’s chair at her desk.

She wore a very low-cut beige evening dress that showed off her cleavage quite well.

“Well fuck me wild and senseless, Madame Chancellor, ” Mrs. Merkel’s male personal secretary exclaimed, “but that day at the spa really did you a world of good.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 14th
2015.

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