Trump’s Norwegian Blue Parrot, An Alcoholic Hag and A Portrait of Lord Byron

March 16, 2019 at 8:17 pm (Aesthetics, Arts, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Donald Trump had a bunch of papers in front of him as Lexington his English butler and valet poured the tea.

“More summaries of your opponents’ tweets from across the world, sir?” Lexington asked.

“Not today, Lexington,” Trump replied, “Today I’m reading field reports from DARPA operatives across the world.”

“And where is that report doused with the most hideous looking and awful smelling blood stains from?” Lexington asked as he closed his eyes and held his nose.

“That would be Pan Goatee reporting from Calgary, Alberta, Canada,” Trump answered.

“Most Calgary white women are quite repulsively ugly, most Calgary white women are quite repulsively ugly,” Trump’s Norwegian blue parrot insightfully commented from atop his perch.

“Sounds like your parrot has read the report before you,” Lexington remarked.

“Sounds like it,” Trump had to admit.

. . .

Pan Goatee left the mall in the immigrant neighbourhood where he lived.

So far his day had gone well.

He had not yet encountered a repulsively ugly looking white woman – which was the result of a Norse trickster god Loki administered genetic hybrid breeding program gone hellishly beyond Hell.

Then his luck ran out.

The hazards of not being Irish the day before Saint Patrick’s Day.

A repulsive ugly looking white woman with a huge 24 can pack of Labatt’s beer emerging from a nearby liquor store stepped in front of him.

“Ah fuck!” Goatee exclaimed, “Just what the world needs at the moment, another hideous looking alcoholic hag!”.

Goatee beheaded the horror that came from beneath Baphomet’s Petri dish.

And with one full swoop of his astral laser machete, he simultaneously robbed both Alcoholics Anonymous and Uglos Anonymous of a potential new member.

. . .


Portrait of Lord Byron

“For a moment, I thought Lord Byron was giving me the raised middle finger,” British Prime Minister Theresa May gasped as she unveiled the painting in the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery.

“That will come later,” British Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn remarked.

Dashwood Forrest the Oscar Wilde admiring art gallery owner sighed as his living dead Irish manservant Mulligan the Irish zombie’s fingers started peeling off his hands as he carried around a tray of cheese and crackers to the various art show patrons.

He hated having politicians showing up to these events.

. . .

French President Emmanuel Macron was considering hosting a major art exhibit of 19th Century French Impressionists in the near future.

And the thought occurred to him that he should invite both America’s Donald Tump and North Korea’s Kim Jong-un to the opening.

After all, Macron thought as he ate a Kit Kat bar, what could possibly go wrong?

Outside the French Presidential Palace, a Kraken wearing a yellow vest was crawling up the side of the building.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 16th
2019.

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Donald Trump’s Phone Call With Saudi Crown Prince

November 19, 2018 at 11:56 pm (Crime, Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

The verdict was in.

The CIA, CSIS, MI-6 and the German Federal Intelligence Service were all convinced that Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman had personally ordered the brutal and savage murder of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi,

But as Donald Trump brushed all the squirrel droppings and walnuts out of his toupee, he knew in his heart of hearts and brain of brains that he had more intelligence put together than any intelligence agency on the planet (or anyone else for that matter).

He sung to himself, “MBS killed no one, this I know, for the Saudi Crown Prince tells me so.”

He said to Lexington his valet as he dressed for bed, “I had a long phone conversation with the Saudi Crown Prince tonight, Lexington.”

“Delighted to hear it, sir,” his British butler answered.

“Lexington, do you know if we have a U.S. Consulate in Istanbul?” Trump asked.

“I believe we do, sir,” Lexington answered.

“I wonder if it would be possible for us to find a Turkish fiancee for CNN’s Jim Acosta,” Trump mused aloud.

“Good God, sir,” Lexington’s face turned ghostly white, “and just what was the gist of your conversation with the Saudi Crown Prince?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 19th
2018.

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster’s vision (just before his lobster tank exploded again) of DARPA contract assassiness Panty Goatee disguised as actress Emma Watson telling the car driver, “Take me to the U.S. Consulate here in Istanbul.”

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Cleopatra and The Maitreya On Lammas Night

August 1, 2018 at 11:00 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Cleopatra and The Maitreya On Lammas Night

After British MP Renfield R. Renfield signed a contract with the Three Goth Witches of MacBeth that was written in Classical Greek and translated into medieval Scottish Gaelic and signed in Renfieldian blood (the contract gave the 3 Goth witches Renfield’s soul – which Renfield as an atheist didn’t believe in its existence anyways- in exchange for Renfield becoming Prime Minister of Great Britain 🇬🇧 for 7 years), Renfield suddenly noticed that he left his autographed photo of leather skirted Sherrielock Holmes inside the Night Wolves’ Prayer Auditorium.

He went back to retrieve it and while there, he happened to notice 72 Night Wolves emerging from the basement.

At the text message suggestion of a well known Australian 🇦🇺 poet named David Redpath, Renfield and Polish vampiress Annaka Wyszynski rounded up the 72 Night Wolves and put them on a Midnight Express back door delivery to a Turkish Ottoman prison in Istanbul (Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster prophesied that the incident would be turned into a film called Analcide On The Orient Express).

The sight of the praying Night Wolves with their bums up in the air was greeted with a Hallelujah Chorus of “Allah is most gracious. He has sent us 72 non-dark eyed anal virgins in this earthly lifetime without having to blow ourselves up in martyrdom like the brainless and dickless jihadis of ISIS” by the Turkish prison guards.

After loading the bottom of the missionary position Night Wolves on to the train 🚊, Renfield joined a conversation that the ghost of Orson Welles was having with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill about the literally immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes.

Churchill was remarking to Welles on how his wife Clementine had hired Sherrielock Holmes to tomato 🍅 his (Winnie’s) bottom back in early 1945 as the British wartime Prime Minister had taken to drinking far too much.

After a few intense months of even more intense sobriety, Churchill’s sober second thought gave him an idea 💡 on how to successfully end the war with Germany.

His sober idea 💡 was to fly Sherrielock Holmes behind enemy lines and get her to tomato the buttocks of both German Fuhrer Adolf Hitler and SS Reichsfuhrer Heinrich Himmler.

Sherrielock did this getting Adolf to shoot himself shortly after marrying Eva Braun on April 30th 1945 (when he discovered that Eva wanted him to assume the missionary position during conjugal intercourse – a position that would be extremely painful for the long suffering Fuhrer in his current post-tomatoing condition).

Himmler was so traumatized by the thought of being unable to sit down comfortably for the next 25 years that he committed suicide by biting into a cyanide capsule on May 23rd 1945.

Churchill regretted that he hadn’t had the period of intense sober second thought a lot sooner.

Otherwise he might have thought up this brilliant idea 💡 a lot sooner.

“As I told Westminster College at Fulton, Missouri in my Iron Curtain speech of March 5th, 1946, if I had gotten my Iron Tomatoing 🍅 a lot sooner, there would probably be no Iron Curtain dividing Europe today for the War would have ended a lot sooner and Josef Stalin would be up Shit Creek without a paddle.”

“Did Sherrielock wear a British Commando paratrooping outfit when she parachuted behind enemy lines?” Welles grimaced.

“No,” Churchill shook his head, “she wore a leather mini skirt, black silk fishnet nylons and black spiked super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes an outfit which prevented her from getting shot down from German snipers as they all started masturbating on the spot as soon as they spotted her with their binoculars.”

. . .

“Lexington,” Donald Trump spoke to his British butler and valet, “I’m seriously considering breaking all constitutional and legal precedent and personally firing special counsel Robert Mueller. What do you think?”.

“I think you should do it, sir,” Lexington replied.

“Really?” Trump looked at his hair in the mirror and noticed how much it looked like golden maize corn 🌽 currently growing in the fields of Kansas.

The Oval Office window was smashed by the Wicked Witch of the East flying through on her broomstick.

The witch’s face landed in Trump’s hair and she was killed instantly.

“All right then, Lexington,” Trump pointed at the Wicked Witch’s shoes, “Give these to Robert Mueller and tell him to take a hike.”

. . .

It was Lammas Night and Cleopatra (the former High Queen of Egypt and current High Queen of Ireland) was celebrating with her husband the Nepalese-Tibetan Himalayan golden cobra serpent the Maitreya in a Berlin discotheque.

Cleopatra and Maitreya watched via FaceTime on their respective iPhones as Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal sacrificed a living baby lamb on the altar of York Cathedral at the Lamb-Mass in York Cathedral on this the Feast Day of Saint Peter ad Vincula.

Both Cleopatra and Maitreya ate Lammas loaf owls (the bread 🥖 🍞 loaf owl 🦉 equivalents of gingerbread men) with salt eyes as the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith’s eyes started to water on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem as a sudden gust of wind came up and the ghost of Jack The Ripper appeared.

Cleopatra decided to head down to the dance floor and hoped that someone would ask her to dance on this Lammas Night.

As Cleopatra stood on the dance floor in front of a neon psychedelic icon depicting Persephone the Greek goddess and divine queen of The Underworld of Hades…

… a Black Jaguar approached her to ask her to dance.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 1st
2018.

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Dracul and Morgana, Renfield and Demi Lovato

May 1, 2018 at 10:44 pm (Avatar Speaks, Culture, Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Humour, International Intrigue, love, Movies, Music, music videos, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, videos) (, , , , , , , , )

Dracul and Morgana, Renfield and Demi Lovato

The Welsh vampiress Morgana (British Member of Parliament for the constituency of Newbridge in Wales) was walking through Sherwood Forest in Nottinghamshire.

The reason being that she heard the Celtic horned stag god Cernunnos used Sherwood Forest for target 🎯 practice for his archery 🏹 skills firing his arrow and crossbow at deer 🦌 hunters and various animal poachers.

She had always wanted to meet this famous Celtic god.

Thanks to a special sunblock invented for her by Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher, she was now able to walk around in the daylight without being quite literally fried to a crisp.

Somewhat tired from walking, Morgana sat down on an old leaf 🍃 clustered tree stump:

https://pin.it/lloi6gtopglhcg

Dracul Van Helsing (also walking through the forest) spotted her and took note of what she was wearing.

“Hello, Morgana,” he smiled, “how are you?”.

“Dracul,” Morgana flashed him a warm smile and raised the hem of her already short skirt, “what are you doing here?”.

“I’m walking through Sherwood Forest contemplating that this was the spot where Robin Hood used to make out with Maid Marian,” Dracul stated.

Morgana lay back on the soft clustered leaves 🍃 and held out her arms to embrace Dracul, “And should I be your Marian to your Robin?”.

Dracul mounted her, “We’ll show Errol Flynn and Olivia de Havilland how it was done.”

As Dracul and Morgana made out in Sherwood Forest in an orgiastic celebration of May Day (known as the Festival of Beltane on the old Celtic calendar), a voyeuristically inclined photographer tried to take shots of the Welsh MP and the Canadian vampire hunter making out.

He found himself being shot himself- by an arrow fired from the crossbow of Cernunnos.

The voyeur paparazzi was killed instantly.

“I’ll probably be dying for a cigarette several hours from now,” Morgana moaned in ecstasy.

. . .

Donald Trump held his hand under his suit vest in Napoleonic fashion and remarked to his valet Lexington “I can’t believe there are some psychiatrists out there who are starting to question my sanity.”

“It definitely boggles the mind, sir,” Lexington admitted, “I know it certainly boggles mine.”

“On the positive side,” Trump took off all his clothes leaving on only a pair of leopard skin briefs and proceeding to swing on the branch of an artificial African jungle tree in the Oval Office, “South Korean President Moon Jae-in thinks I deserve the Nobel Peace Prize.”

“And are psychiatrists starting to question Moon Jae-in’s sanity?” Lexington asked.

“I don’t know,” Trump shrugged while still swinging, “And what about you, Lexington? Do YOU think I deserve the Nobel Peace Prize?”.

“Well, sir,” Lexington remarked, “Seeing as how you received the Stormy Daniels Piece Prize, perhaps it might be a good thing if you went after a more noble peace prize.”

. . .

Renfield R. Renfield was dreaming about singer Demi Lovato.

Before bedtime, he had watched the Demi Lovato and Luis Fonzi music video Echame La Culpa.

He had developed such a hard on after seeing Demi Lovato wearing a red mini dress and black silk fishnet pantyhose that he had to massage his erection down with a sledge hammer.

Little did he realize that this action would save his life.

A group of Japanese ninja assassins who had been hired by Russian President Vladimir Putin and Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to assassinate the thorn in their side troublesome British MP watched the spectacle outside Renfield’s bedroom window.

They were so taken aback 😮 by the sight of a man hitting his most sensitive private part that way that they turned and fled and quickly jumped over the high fence of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London estate.

Meanwhile Renfield’s blanket took on the shape of a pole tent ⛺️ as the MP dreamed of Demi Lovato wearing that red mini dress and black silk fishnet pantyhose.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 1st
2018.

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