Renfield Calls On All EU Countries To Leave The European Union and Save The Internet

April 1, 2019 at 10:27 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield had been so busy with the debate over Brexit and plotting to overthrow the governments of Russian President Vladimir Putin, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro and Pakistani Prime Minister Imran Khan that he had not been informed of Articles 11, 13 and 17 of EU regulations that would destroy the worldwide Internet as we know it and stifle freedom of speech, freedom of expression and artistic creativity leaving the Internet as a place where only those who buy and sell would be able to access the Worldwide Web.

“This is exactly the Mark of The Beast system of The Book of The Apocalypse or Revelation Chapter 13,” said Renfield who had attended Church for Mothering Sunday yesterday.

The Church’s regular Anglo-Catholic Vicar had been called away to Rome to help perform an exorcism on a Vatican Cardinal who was demonically possessed (the Cardinal was considered one of the frontrunners to become the next Pope after Francis).

The guest celebrant and preacher was a Calvinistic Reformed Anglican minister who ignored the readings for the day in the Book of Common Prayer and proceeded to use the occasion of Mothering Sunday to preach on the Mother of Harlots Mystery Babylon as found in Revelation Chapter 17 and the Mark of The Beast system as found in Revelation Chapter 13.

When Renfield found out about the EU regulations Articles 11, 13 and 17, he hit the roof.

As a group of workmen were brought in to repair the roof, they had to work their way around a group of environmentalists who had taken their clothes off in the Public Gallery of the British House of Commons and were currently mooning MPs over what they considered parliamentary inaction on earth’s climate change.

The gallery was cleared after a guest otter from DARPA was brought in who showed that otter flatulence could be as deadly to the environment as that of bovine creatures.

As MPs put on their gas masks and proceeded to vote on 4 different Plan Bs for Brexit, Renfield left the Commons to address the world media on Articles 11, 13 and 17 of EU regulations that would draconianly regulate the Internet.

Renfield spoke next to the statue of Sir Winston Churchill on the Thames River.

Said Renfield solemnly as he addressed the cameras and microphones, “I call upon all countries of the EU to immediately leave the European Union. Not only will this save Britain further embarrassment in giving the world the idea that the British have no idea what to do when it comes to Brexit, this action will also save the Internet as we know it.
As we know a bunch of assholes in the EU bureaucracy in Brussels want to turn the Information Superhighway (as self-proclaimed Internet inventor Al Gore called it) into a massive traffic jam with toll booths every 6 centimeters on the road. It’s high time we give these interfering busybodies in Brussels (whom Mikhail Gorbachev back in the late 1990s labelled the heirs and apostolic successors to the old Politbureau in the old USSR) the raspberry they so richly deserve. Such an action will finally wipe the eggs benedict and eggs Florentine off Theresa May’s face, close a possible Oscar Wilde and Lord Alfred Douglas “open backdoor” on the Ulster-Republic of Eire border and save the Internet and all its memes. After all, if there are no memes left, U.S. Democrats will have nothing to blame when they lose the 2020 U.S. Presidential election. They won’t have the Russians to kick around anymore for 4 more years of Donald Trump and his aesthetically challenged hairpiece.”

Renfield bowed to the media and then went over to talk to his friends Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont.

“Well, how was I?” Renfield asked as he adjusted his Larry King autographed bowtie.

“It was a good speech,” Angelique replied, “but are you sure, people will take you seriously?”.

“Why wouldn’t they take me seriously?” Renfield stopped trying to tie his bowtie, “I was being perfectly serious.”

“Do you know what date this is?” Angelique asked.

“The date?” Renfield looked perplexed.

Amadeus showed him the date on his smartphone- April 1st.

“April 1st?” Renfield suddenly hit his forehead, “Oh shit. April Fools’ Day. People will think I was joking when I called on all EU countries to leave the European Union.”

“And to think they could have left the EU and signed a free trade pact with the 3 Mexican countries that Fox News said Donald Trump was going to cut off aid to,” Angelique sighed.

“One should always start the day by looking at the date on the calendar,” the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill advised, “that way there are no misunderstandings and you don’t miss any appointments. When I was alive, I occasionally missed appointments with my dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes. Which meant my poor buttocks had to pay double, sometimes triple and sometimes quadruple the next time to make up for it.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 1st

Dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes advises to always check the date on your calendar.

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Greek Election Results

January 26, 2015 at 6:46 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Greek Election Results

“European Union bureaucrats in Brussels and German Chancellor Angela Merkel have no doubt had to change their underpants after hearing the news that Alexis Tsipras’ anti-austerity Syriza Party have won yesterday’s national elections in Greece…” The BBC radio news announcer intoned.

“The thought of Angela Merkel’s underwear. Now there’s a mental image that really discombobulates the mind,” Renfield R. Renfield put down his copy of the unabridged edition of Machiavelli’s The Prince.

“Do you suppose Greece will leave the Eurozone?” Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield.

“They might,” Renfield replied as he imagined finding a piggy bank stuffed with old Greek drachma coins.

“All this talk of Greece is making me feel hungry for feta cheese, black olives and roast lamb,” Amadeus licked his lips.

“I suppose you feel like eating out at a Greek restaurant tonight,” Renfield checked a restaurant app on his iPhone.

“I do,” Amadeus nodded.

“That’s good,” Renfield smiled, “it will give me a chance to look at the menu and repeat that old line from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, ‘It’s all Greek to me’. ”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 26th

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Renfield’s Messenger Birds and Vladimir Putin’s Sword

November 10, 2014 at 8:12 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Messenger Birds and Vladimir Putin’s Sword

Amadeus Emanon was now back home from hospital.

He was in the garden of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London estate watching Renfield R. Renfield talking to a pigeon by a statue of the great ancient Egyptian scientist Imhotep.

“What are you doing?” Amadeus asked as he quietly chewed a piece of black licorice.

“I’m bringing back the lost art of carrier pigeons,” Renfield said, “Back during the Second World War, carrier pigeons were often used to deliver messages. Now in this age of smart phones and tablets, people seemed to have forgotten nature’s messengers and our fine feathered friends.”

“I wonder what opinion Imhotep would hold about nature’s messengers and our fine feathered friends,” Amadeus asked as he watched the outburst of abstract expressionism bursting forth from the pigeon as he decorated the head of Imhotep.

“I have no idea,” Renfield shrugged.

A cockatoo suddenly flew down and landed on the head of the carrier pigeon.

“That’s weird,” Amadeus said as he watched the spectacle.

“I’ve trained these two to work together,” Renfield grinned, “in the old days written messages were attached to one of the legs of the carrier pigeon. Now instead the cockatoo learns an oral message and then the two are sent off together. The cockatoo rides as a passenger on the head of the carrier pigeon. When the two reach the intended recipient of the message, the cockatoo disembarks off the head of the pigeon and the cockatoo orally recites the message.”

“Amazing,” Amadeus remarked sarcastically.

Renfield not noticing the sarcasm replied, “Even I can’t help being impressed by my own genius.”

“So have you got any clients lined up for your carrier pigeon/cockatoo express messenger service?” Amadeus asked as he put on dark sunglasses and lay back on his hammock as he remembered a lesson from the Book of Tobit.

“As a matter of fact I do,” Renfield grinned.

“You do?” Amadeus raised his head in surprise from the hammock.

“Yes,” Renfield smiled like the cat who ate the canary causing a canary in a nearby tree to fly away in haste, “you’ll never guess who it is.”

“Who is it?” asked Amadeus who was too lazy to guess.

“British Prime Minister David Cameron,” Renfield beamed like the beam in a Pharisee’s eye.

Exclaimed a thoroughly surprised Amadeus, “Holy shit!”.

Imhotep’s head would not have agreed with Amadeus’ opinion.

“And who is the intended recipient of David Cameron’s message?” Amadeus asked.

Renfield grinned again.

. . .

European Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker was in his office in the European Commission Building in Brussels.

An aide-de-camp was in the room with him.

Suddenly both men heard a “tapping, as of some one gently rapping, rapping” at the window pane.

“Who is it?” Jean-Claude Juncker asked.

“A pigeon with a cockatoo on its head,” the aide-de-camp replied as he looked out the window, “Only this and nothing more.”

“Better let them in,” said Juncker.

The aide-de-camp opened the window and the pigeon with the cockatoo on its head flew into the room.

The pigeon sat on a bust of Pallas Athena while the cockatoo flew over to the desk of Jean-Claude Juncker and squawked, “Message for you from the Prime Minister of Britain. Message for you from the Prime Minister of Britain. Gawk!”.

“Oh yes,” Juncker scratched his chin, “and what is Mr. Cameron’s message for me?”.

The pigeon flew off the bust of Pallas Athena and on to the head of Jean-Claude Juncker.

It then let out an outburst of abstract expressionism as it had done so many times on the head of the statue of Imhotep in the garden of the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

. . .

Russian President Vladimir Putin was in his office in the Kremlin.

He was examining a sword on his desk.

The sword belonged to an FSB agent who was found dead in his Moscow apartment a week ago.

The FSB suspected that the man was probably murdered by Western intelligence agencies.

This new Cold War was really starting to heat up Vladimir Putin thought to himself as he picked up his knife and fork and proceeded to make mincemeat out of the Ukrainian sausage on the plate in front of him.

A curator specializing in near eastern and oriental antiquities at one of the Kremlin museums had examined the sword.

He had determined that the sword belonged to the Ottoman Turkish Sultan Mehmed II (known to history as Mehmed The Conqueror) and indeed, according to the curator, this was the very sword he held in his hands when he conquered the Byzantine capital of Constantinople in 1453 at the age of 21 and ended the Byzantine empire.

After the city fell, when Mehmed II stepped into the ruins of the Palace of the Caesars that had been built over a thousand years before by the Emperor Theodosius II, he spoke these words,

“The spider weaves the curtains in the palace of the Caesars,
The owl calls the watches in the towers of Afrasiab.”

As Putin examined the sword, he happened to notice a spider crawling up one of the curtains in his office.

Outside his office window, an owl hooted a cry from one of the Kremlin towers.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the time period
Friday November 7th
Monday November 10th

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