If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It

June 18, 2021 at 10:43 pm (Commentary, Culture, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )


“I’ll take that last slice of pizza if you don’t mind, Mr. Farrow.”

“Cut!” Orson Welles shouted, “That’s a take!”.

“I’ll say it is,” said the actress as she grabbed and ate the last slice of pizza.

The day’s production was over.

Welles took his hat and coat and went to a nearby lounge where he ordered a glass of red wine.

After a few sips, he fell asleep.

When he awoke, he was a ghost in a pub in London called The Ghosts’ Inn and he was sipping a spectral glass of spectral red wine.

Welles wasn’t sure whether he was a mortal man dreaming that he was a ghost or whether he was a ghost dreaming about his days as a mortal man.

It was like that myth he had once heard about the man who fell asleep and dreamed that he was a caterpillar and then when he woke up again, he wasn’t sure whether he was a man who dreamed he was a caterpillar or whether he’s a caterpillar who’s now dreaming that he’s a man.

“Such intense thoughts on the cusp of the summer solstice,” British MP Renfield R. Renfield remarked over a gin and tonic.

“I wasn’t aware that I was thinking such thoughts aloud,” Welles’ ghost sighed.

“You were,” Renfield dug into his fish and chips with his knife and fork.

A butterfly flew in through the window of the pub.

“I wonder what the butterfly dreams,” Renfield mused aloud.

“Not sure,” Welles admitted, “But he’s got both man and caterpillar beat.”

“Of course there are some idiots,” Renfield pointed out, “let’s call them in Seinfeldian fashion Klaus Schwab, the World Economic Forum, Joe Biden, Justin Trudeau and Boris Johnson who probably figure that when it comes to butterflies, they can still Build Back Better.”

A British engineering student (who had spent the Covid lockdown studying Schwab’s book on The Fourth Industrial Revolution) was in another booth operating his robotic butterfly (that he called the Transbutterfly).

The Transbutterfly was trying to take nectar from the petal of an artificial flower.

The butterfly who had flown past Renfield and Welles flew out the door while the Transbutterfly flew into another customer’s pint of ale where it burst a gasket and disintegrated.

Dashwood Forrest the noted London art gallery dealer walked past Renfield and Welles carrying a godawful painting.

“What’s that hideous monstrosity?” Both Welles and Renfield asked at the same time.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to give this painting away,” Forrest admitted, “Bill Gates gave it to me on commission to sell. It’s a painting that he himself painted. He calls it Painting of A Build Back Better Sunset.”

“That’s a sunset?” Welles and Renfield both asked increduously at the same time.

Renfield put on his spectacles and Welles put on a ghostly spectral monocle.

Both man and ghost reacted with horror.

Renfield vomitted all over the painting while Welles spewed forth ghostly ectoplasm.

“I have to say that’s a very significant improvement,” Forrest declared after the vomit and ectoplasm now found their way on to Bill Gates’ Build Back Better Sunset.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 18th
2021.

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Tanaka and The Unfinished Orson Welles Film Noir

June 9, 2021 at 10:39 pm (Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Movies, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

The immortal Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka: As she appeared in a scene in Orson Welles’ unknown and unfinished Film Noir movie The Feather Casts A Giant Shadow

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion and enjoying a fine single malt Scotch whisky as he engaged in conversation with the ghost of Orson Welles.

Renfield was telling Welles how he had run into the immortal Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka yesterday in a London park and how she had played the most beautiful melody on a beautiful vintage classical lyre.

“Tanaka had once visited Los Angeles in 1946 and she appeared as the heroine in a Film Noir movie I was directing at the time The Feather Casts A Giant Shadow,” Welles reflected over a good spectral glass of spectral red wine, “A film I was sadly unable to finish because it was shut down on orders of the studio heads.”

“How did Tanaka become immortal anyways?” Renfield inquired.

“She had apparently ridden a rare legendary ghost white buffalo back in the late 1870s and it is said that whoever rides a ghost white buffalo becomes immortal,” Welles explained, “And in Tanaka’s case, that turned out to be true.”

“What was the plot of this unfinished Film Noir movie starring Tanaka?” Renfield asked.

“It was about a prestigious Ivy League university secret society,” Welles answered, “one that counts several influential politicians and judges among its membership. And one that specializes in stealing important Native American artifacts.”

“I wonder which Ivy League university secret society you would have based that on,” Renfield remarked sarcastically.

Welles laughed.

For both knew that the secret society in the film was obviously based on Yale University’s Skull and Bones Society.

“And what was the plot of the film?” Renfield wanted to know.

“That the giant Phoenix bird of ancient legend had once flown over the Black Hills of South Dakota and one of its giant feathers had fallen on a hill top,” Welles replied, “where it was found by members of the Lakota Sioux nation. It was kept in a sacred lodge in the Black Hills known only to certain elders and certain members of their families. A member of this Ivy League University secret society accidentally crashed his plane near the lodge and found the lodge with the sacred Phoenix feather present. Being the thorough scoundrel that he was (a future U.S. Presidential candidate if there ever was one), he stole it.
He placed the feather in a room in a Philosophical Research Library and Museum in Los Angeles that was associated with a grand global occultic fraternity of which the Ivy League University Secret Society was just a branch.”

“How did Tanaka’s character fit into the film?” Renfield asked.

“Tanaka played the granddaughter of a Lakota Sioux elder who was one of the Guardians of The Feather,” Welles explained, “She was sent to Los Angeles to bring the Feather back to its original owners.”

“So Tanaka was the heroine,” Renfield nodded, “Who was the femme fatale in the film?”.

“That would have been the secret society member’s girlfriend,” Welles noted, “She was a female Nazi Intelligence officer who had been brought to the United States by the OSS (forerunner of the CIA) in order to help set up America’s post-war Intelligence, National Security and Espionage apparatus.”

“I see,” Renfield finished his glass of whisky and poured himself another, “And so why did the studio heads stop and shut down production of the film?”.

“Because I guess it was hitting a little too close to the truth of what was actually happening in the U.S. at the time,” Welles answered, “Apparently FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover himself showed up in the offices of the studio head ordering that the film’s production be immediately halted. And to add insult to injury, Hoover apparently showed up wearing one of the dresses that Vivien Leigh wore as Scarlett O’ Hara in the movie Gone With The Wind. The production ceased with a single phone call within 5 minutes of Hoover’s arrival.”

“How very sad,” Renfield sipped his second glass of Scotch, “It sounds like the film would have been a great classic.”

Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka appearing in a scene in Orson Welles’ unfinished Film Noir classic The Feather Casts A Giant Shadow.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 9th
2021.

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Orson Welles On The Orient Express

May 25, 2021 at 10:38 pm (Espionage, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Movies, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The ghost of Orson Welles sat in a comfortable arm chair in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion.

He was sipping a spectral glass of spectral red wine.

He was reflecting on a dream he had as a young mortal man where he was contemplating directing a spy film set on the Orient Express.

Agatha Christie had published a Hercule Poirot novel called Murder On The Orient Express back in 1934.

The spy film set aboard the Orient Express that Welles was planning to make would have been done 20 years before Sean Connery’s 1963 James Bond film From Russia With Love part of which was set aboard the Orient Express.

However Welles’ idea for the film was rejected by film studio heads.

When Welles had the dream that became the basis for the proposed film, he dreamed he was back in the mid-1930s.

Soviet Stalinist agents had stolen the Spear of Longinus (the spear said to have pierced the side of Christ as recorded in the New Testament) from the Hofburg Palace Museum in Vienna, Austria.

They were now riding the Orient Express to Istanbul where they would then board a ship from Istanbul to Odessa.

And then from Odessa the Soviet Stalinist agents would head to Moscow and then to Stalin.

However Nazi spies were also on the trail of the Soviet agents as Hitler too desired to possess the Spear of Longinus for world conquest.

Britain and France had likewise sent their best agents to recapture the Spear of Longinus.

Welles played the British agent Sir Cyril Bellerophon.

He was to rendezvous with France’s top agent aboard the Orient Express.

All Welles’ Bellerophon knew was that the French agent’s initials were ML.

As Welles’ character of Sir Cyril Bellerophon sat in the empty dining car (as it was currently neither breakfast, lunch or dinnertime aboard the train), a beautiful woman entered the Orient Express dining car and approached him.

She walked up to Welles’ Bellerophon and said, “Bonjour Monsieur. Je suis Monique Labelle.”

Welles bowed and said, “Bonjour Mademoiselle. Je suis Sir Cyril Bellerophon.”

It had occurred to Welles that Monique LaBelle (whose intials were ML) was the French agent.

That turned out to be the case.

Welles thought it was a shame he woke up from the dream and had no idea how the whole scenario would end.

Still he had a chance to kiss Monique Labelle before he woke up.

And that Welles’ ghost reflected as he lit himself a spectral cigar was the important thing.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 25th
2021

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Morgan Le Fay

May 21, 2021 at 10:40 pm (Art, Arts, Ghost Story, History, painting, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Picture of Morgan Le Fay

“So you’re trying to track down the original painting that appears at this website?” British MP Renfield R. Renfield asked Dashwood Forrest the owner and curator of the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London.

“I am,” Forrest nodded, “I’ve come across sketches of this portrait in various books and they say it’s a portrait of Morgan Le Fay.”

“The Arthurian era enchantress?” Renfield sipped a martini, “But the woman in this portrait looks like a woman of the 1930s judging by her hairstyle and style of dress. I thought Morgan Le Fay died back in the Arthurian era.”

“There were rumours that back in 1930 an archaeologist found her grave on the Isle of Avalon not far from Glastonbury and a spiritist medium friend of the archaeologist used her incredible occultic powers to bring Morgan Le Fay back from the dead,” Forrest explained.

“And someone in the decade of the 1930s painted her picture?” Renfield finished his martini.

“Yes,” Forrest nodded.

“I wonder who?” Renfield looked at the website photograph of the painting as Forrest shrugged.

. . .

The ghost of Winston Churchill and the ghost of Orson Welles were sitting in comfortable armchairs in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal West London estate.

Both were smoking spectral cigars.

Churchill was sipping a spectral brandy.

And Welles was sipping a spectral glass of spectral red wine.

“Anyways,” Churchill continued with his story to Welles, “In my painting career, I painted in various different painting styles. I once painted what looked to be in style a black and white photo of Morgan Le Fay but it was actually a painting. One I must say I was exceptionally proud of. Sadly, Clementine didn’t like it and gave it away to someone. She wouldn’t say who. She didn’t want me to get it back. I think Clementine was jealous of Morgan Le Fay’s exceptional beauty.”

“Do you mean Morgan Le Fay the Arthurian era enchantress?” Welles almost spilled his spectral glass of spectral red wine all over his ghostly suit, “But I thought she died back in Arthurian times.”

“She was apparently brought back from the dead in 1930,” Churchill explained.

“Is she still alive today?” Welles asked.

. . .

“Is this seat taken?” The beautiful and attractive young woman asked Dracul Van Helsing in the Saint George’s Pub.

“No, it most definitely is not,” Van Helsing answered.

The woman sat down in the pub booth directly across from Dracul Van Helsing.

Her dress, her fur covering, her necklace, her gloves, her hairstyle and appearance seem to have been accurately and prophetically depicted by one Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill many decades ago.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 21st
2021.

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Orson Welles, Faust, Marilyn Monroe and The Asphalt Jungle

April 22, 2021 at 10:55 pm (Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Movies, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The ghost of Orson Welles sat in an armchair in the living room of the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

He had been imbibing several spectral glasses of spectral red wine from a large bottle of spectral red wine and reminiscing to Renfield about his mortal life.

“I’m not quite sure how it happened,” Welles’ nose was starting to look as red as that of his favourite Shakespearian character Falstaff, “but I somehow managed one day to find myself on the set of the 1950 film noir movie The Asphalt Jungle in which Marilyn Monroe starred.”

“Did you?” Renfield was intrigued.

“Yes,” Welles nodded, “and what was even more intriguing is that the Renaissance German alchemist Dr. Johann Georg Faust (who was born in 1480 and supposedly died in an alchemical experiment explosion at the Hotel zum Lowen in the German town of Staufen im Breisgau in 1540 but he did not) was also on the set of that film.”

“That’s right,” Renfield nodded, “Faust didn’t die until 2011 when I hired an Irish arsonist to bump him off.”

“That’s interesting,” Welles poured himself another glass of spectral red wine, “anyways I wasn’t sure what Faust was doing there.”

“My friend the vampiress Mei-ling Manchu who used to be a Communist but isn’t anymore (as she and I have conceived a plot to bump off Xi Jinping) was doing some research and discovered that Faust was doing biological warfare research for the Nazis in the 1930s and 1940s. Apparently that research involved working with bats in Mexico. Somehow that bat research wound up in the hands of Soong Mei-ling (Madame Chiang Kai-shek). Soong Mei-ling’s Kuomintang operatives who had his research papers later defected to the Communist forces of Mao Tse-tung,” Renfield noted, “Later that research wound up in the hands of the Wuhan Institute of Virology.”

“That is interesting,” Welles acknowledged.

“What was Faust doing on the set of The Asphalt Jungle?” Renfield inquired.

“I think he was brought in as some sort of last minute technical advisor,” Welles recalled.

Renfield googled images of the film.

“Well, would you look at that,” Renfield was shocked.

“What is it?” Welles asked.

Renfield showed him the photo.

“It’s Marilyn Monroe with the image of the Coronavirus behind her,” Renfield noted.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 22nd
2021.

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Hera and The Gangsters

March 1, 2021 at 11:39 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Ghost Story, Mythology, Plays, Romance, The Supernatural, theatre, Theatre Arts, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The Greek goddess Hera starring in a 1930s Broadway play about gangsters

It was the decade of the 1930s.

And the Greek goddess Hera was honing her theatrical skills by starring in a Broadway play about gangsters.

It was dress rehearsal night – the evening before the official opening.

Hera was awaiting the arrival of the gangster boss Big Frank Malone.

A man came on stage wearing a fedora hat and gangster suit and carrying a big violin case.

Hera, speaking out of character, said, “You don’t look like John Barrymore to me.”

“I’m afraid John is a bit under the weather tonight,” the understudy replacement for John Barrymore replied.

“How many bottles did he have to drink today?” Hera asked.

“You know the real Barrymore obviously,” Dracul Van Helsing, who had time travelled from the future and was now playing the role of Big Frank Malone in this play about gangsters, replied.

“That’s funny,” the ghost of Orson Welles, who had likewise time travelled from the future, remarked as he sat in the front row, “I don’t ever recall John Barrymore starring in a play about gangsters.”

“He possibly drank before each performance and never made it to the stage,” Van Helsing noted.

“By Jove, I think you’re right,” Welles agreed.

“Please, don’t use one of my husband’s Roman names,” Hera stood up.

“I forgot,” Welles bowed, “I do apologize.”

Hera approached Van Helsing, “Well, Dracul, since you’ve come from the future to step in for the great John Barrymore, perhaps we can do an improvisational performance tonight.”

“And what improvisational performance did you have in mind?” Van Helsing inquired.

“How about making out here on the stage?” Hera smiled.

And Hera and Van Helsing did just that.

“Not again,” Welles’ ghost buried his ghostly head in his ghostly hands.

As Hera and Van Helsing made out, soon thunder and lightning flashed around the stage.

“And furthermore, I just would happen to be in the very theatre on the night the Greek god Zeus decided to attend a Broadway play,” Welles’ ghost sighed.

The next day a hangover stricken John Barrymore was asked what happened to the theatre as it lay in ruins.

“Well, I know people are once again going to say this was a hallucination brought on by too much drink on my part,” Barrymore commented, “but it was an angry and cuckholded Greek god Zeus who destroyed this theatre because his wife the Olympian queen Hera was making out with a mortal.”

The members of the New York press laughed and shook their heads.

And that was the reason history has no record of John Barrymore starring in a Broadway play about gangsters.

The ghost of radio announcer Paul Harvey appeared in front of the lightning produced charred ashes of the theatre and gave his usual radio show sign-off, “And now you know the rest of the story.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 1st
2021.

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Maria Orsic and The Turing Jukebox Computer

February 23, 2021 at 11:05 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Maria Orsic and The Turing Jukebox Computer

Two rogue agents for MI-5 (although no one in MI-5 knew they were rogue agents) informed British Prime Minister Boris Johnson that the Occult and Paranormal Research Division of Interpol was aware of his midnight meetings with zombie nosferatu that were going on in the ballroom of the newly opened Imperial Aurora Hotel in London and that it might be a good idea if he ceased these meetings for the time being.

A spy for Interpol at 10 Downing Street informed Interpol agent Peter Whitstable the head of the Occult and Paranormal Research Division of the warning from the MI-5 rogue agents which inspired messy haired Boris Johnson (who was still unaware of the invention of the comb that had taken place centuries earlier) to cancel further meetings.

Whitstable thus called an end to the Interpol sting operation at the Imperial Aurora Hotel which would have exposed the Johnson-zombie nosferatu meetings.

The Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka returned to her flat in central London (she had rented a room right in the Imperial Aurora Hotel which would have allowed her close contact to the ballroom).

Dracul Van Helsing likewise returned to his flat in East London.

And Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was currently at the Set Enterprises laboratory recovering from a massive hangover having drunk the contents of 1001 bottles of Hendrik’s Gin which successfully brought him back from the dead for the 2nd time in two months.

Van Helsing was soon off another mission however.

This one with the ghost of Orson Welles.

Van Helsing and Welles were to use the Houdini-Tesla-Pantages-Welles-Lamarr Magic Lantern to travel back in time to the year 1953.

Apparently Whitstable’s contacts at NASA told him that the great mathematician Alan Turing (who had developed the computing machine that cracked the Enigma Nazi Code) had in 1953 developed a computer whose purpose was to pick up signals from extraterrestrial life forms in the universe.

The computer for whatever reason was hidden inside a jukebox on a table in the office of a Chelsea cafe.

And then disappeared mysteriously just as MI-5 agents raided the cafe.

Now it was believed to be in the home of a Havana Cuba based Neo-Nazi billionaire Robur Pike according to the visions of DARPA’s psychic lobster Van Gogh’s All Hearing Ear (who was a distant cousin of Set Enterprises’ psychic lobster Michelangelo).

When asked for his analysis, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster typing on his own waterproof laptop computer said that the Turing jukebox computer had been stolen in 1953 by the vampire Franz Kohler of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau.

Kohler had, according to Michelangelo, time traveled from this month and this year back to 1953 to steal the Turing jukebox computer just before MI-5 agents arrived at the Chelsea cafe to take control of the machine.

The solution was to send a time traveler back in time to grab the Turing jukebox computer before Kohler could do so.

Thus Van Helsing and Welles were on their way back to that Chelsea cafe in ’53.

Arriving on the scene, Van Helsing and Welles came face to face with:

Maria Orsic and The Turing Juke Box Computer

Maria Orsic was an immortal.

She was a medium who had been head of the German Vril Society.

Van Helsing had met her on a time traveling mission before when the vampire hunter had time traveled back to Washington DC in the late 1930s.

Welles’ ghost had recalled that Van Helsing had made out with Maria Orsic on that occasion.

“So, Van Helsing,” Maria Orsic smiled at him, “I suppose you’re hear to steal the Turing Jukebox Computer before the vampire Franz Kohler of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau arrives on the scene?”.

“I am,” Van Helsing nodded.

“But I think I better spank you first,” Maria produced a rather sturdy wooden hairbrush.

“I think you’re right,” Van Helsing started taking his clothes off.

“Not again,” Welles’ ghost moaned as he buried his ghostly head in his ghostly hands.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 23rd
2021.

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Valentine’s Day 2021 – 75th Anniversary of Release of Rita Hayworth’s Gilda

February 14, 2021 at 11:33 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Film, History, Movies, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

It was 75 years ago today that the 1946 film Gilda starring Rita Hayworth was released.

The ghost of Orson Welles was sitting in an armchair in a reflective mood as he sat there sipping a spectral glass of spectral red wine.

“A penny for your thoughts,” said Renfield R. Renfield as he sat in an armchair sipping a brandy.

“He’s probably sitting there thinking it’s Valentine’s Day Night and none of us have a date this evening,” Dr. Marmalade Montague quipped as he sipped a cognac.

In the guest lobster tank in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s London mansion, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster held up a sign that asked WHEN SHALL WE FOUR LOSERS MEET AGAIN? IN THUNDER, LIGHTNING OR IN SPAIN?

“I think that’s supposed to be rain not Spain,” Renfield remarked.

In the kitchen, Athelstan the butler could be heard singing the song, “The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain…”

“Remember to remind me never to fly over Spain,” Renfield commented.

“I don’t think it’s that type of plane,” Montague observed,” “I think it’s plain as in flat grassland not the object that flies through the air.”

Welles’ ghost was brought back to the present by the sheer inanity of the current conversation.

“I was just thinking that it was 75 years ago today that the movie Gilda starring my then wife Rita Hayworth was released,” Welles wiped away a spectral tear.

“That was considered her greatest role wasn’t it?” Renfield asked.

“It was,” Welles blew his ghostly nose in his spectral handkerchief as tears continued to fall down his cheeks and beard like Niagara Falls.

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster pulled his waterproof guitar out of his waterproof suitcase and started playing the song Put The Blame On Mame.

“That song was from the movie Gilda wasn’t it?” Dr. Marmalade Montague asked.

“It was,” Welles’ ghost wiped away another spectral tear from his eyes.

“I don’t want to come across as being insensitive or anything,” Renfield adjusted his t-shirt that said THEY DON’T CALL ME LOUT FOR NOTHING, “but why are you bawling like a baby?”.

“Because less than 2 years after that film came out, Rita and I divorced,” Welles wiped away another tear, “Our marriage always was under somewhat a strain. Because as Rita herself said, “It’s tough being married to a genius’.”

“I’m sure that’s one problem Mrs. Justin Trudeau doesn’t have,” Renfield quipped.

“Anyways,” Welles continued, “After Gilda came out, Rita became a goddess in the public eye. And it’s tough for a mere mortal man to be married to a goddess.”

“I wonder if the reverse is true,” Dr. Marmalade Montague lit a pipe, “If it’s tough for a mere mortal woman to be married to a god.”

“Well there goes the Dan Brown hypothesis about who Mary Magdalene was married to down the drain,” Renfield reflected.

Meanwhile Nefertiti Galore the Estate’s guard cat had pulled the drain on the guest lobster tank much to Michelangelo’s discomfiture.

“Oh Rita, Rita,” Orson sobbed.

Welles’ mind returned to an earlier time.

When Rita played Gilda.

It seemed to be a far happier Valentine’s Day 75 years ago when Gilda was released.

For at that time, neither knew what the future held.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday February 14th
2021.

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Hera At Versailles

January 26, 2021 at 11:58 pm (Arts, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, magic, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )


The Greek goddess Hera at the Palace of Versailles during the reign of the Sun King

“So,” Set Enterprises’ eccentric scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague asked Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing, “I hear you’re able to travel back in time using the Pantages-Houdini-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr Magic Lantern?”.

“I can neither confirm nor deny that,” Van Helsing answered.

In his aquarium in the background, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster held up a sign that read CONFIRMED.

“So,” Marmalade read the sign, “When I fell into a time warp when I was Chief Scientist and Head Alchemist To The Court of Louis Quatorze and wound up here in the decade of the 2020s, I left an important alchemical formula on my desk in my laboratory at the Palace of Versailles. I was wondering if you could go back in time and get it for me?”.

“Why can’t you go back in time and get it yourself?” Van Helsing inquired.

“Because the Hindu god Shiva informed me while I was standing in line once at an Indian buffet restaurant in London last year that if I ever engaged in time travel again, I’d disintegrate into a pod of peas hanging from a lotus flower,” Dr. Marmalade Montague replied.

“One wouldn’t want that unless one were a vegan vegetarian Transhumanist,” Van Helsing agreed.

“I don’t know if it was because I helped myself to the last 2 dozen pieces of butter chicken from a buffet tray before the chef brought some more as I was standing in line in front of Shiva or if Shiva really meant it,” Marmalade reflected.

“Well, as J. Robert Oppenheimer might say while putting on a trojan, it’s best to be on the safe side,” Van Helsing acknowledged.

And so Van Helsing went back in time to the Palace of Versailles during the reign of Louis XIV the Sun King.

He found the laboratory but as he entered the room a cat had knocked a piece of paper off the table which seemed to have elaborate drawings and formulae on it.

The paper was then eaten by a poodle.

“I hope that wasn’t the formula for turning lead into gold,” Van Helsing mused aloud.

He then found his way to the main dining room of Versailles where he encountered the Greek goddess Hera.

The Greek goddess Hera and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had made out on a couple of occasions.

Unbeknownst to the Greek god Zeus of course.

Otherwise Van Helsing might have disintegrated into ash as a result of having an Olympian thunder bolt thrown at him.

“Dracul,” Hera smiled at him.

“You must have time traveled from the 21st Century as well,” Van Helsing made a Holmes Sherlockian deduction, “because I never knew you during the Reign of the Sun King Louis Quatorze.”

“I did,” Hera nodded, “I time traveled from January 2021.”

“Same here,” Van Helsing stated.

“Did you know that a year ago Zeus asked Hades to release the spirit of Alexander the Great from the Underworld?” Hera inquired.

“It seems to me I heard something to that effect from the ghost of Orson Welles,” Van Helsing reflected.

“And now this January he’s asked Hades to release the spirit of the Syrian Greek King Antiochus Epiphanes (whose official title was King Antiochus IV ) from the Underworld,” Hera noted.

“Maybe Zeus is planning a major Abomination of Desolation with Pope Francis and they want Antiochus Epiphanes’ input into the matter,” Van Helsing said as a group of waiters walked by carrying trays loaded with roast pork.

“I’m so horny and frustrated by Zeus constantly ignoring me,” Hera sighed.

“Maybe I could help you with that,” Van Helsing took off his formal dinner jacket.

Soon Hera and Van Helsing were making out on top of the Royal Banquet table.

“Ah, I see they’re still setting up in here,” Louis XIV remarked to one of his mistresses as he poked his head in through the dining hall door, “Perhaps you’d like to come to my bedroom and I’ll show you my ceiling etchings of Zeus and Leto.”

At that moment the ghost of Orson Welles was bicyling backwards through time in the CERN Large Hadron Collidor Time Tunnel.

As he bicycled backwards in time through the time tunnel, the voice of Engelbert Humperdinck could be heard singing Les Bicyclettes de Belsize.

Welles’ ghost was eating a large spectral bagel as he cycled backwards through time.

Welles hoped that no one would mistake him for Hunter Biden son of Joe Biden as he was returning from Mass in the Presidential motorcade when he ordered the motorcade stopped so he could buy a bagel as he had come down with the munchies after having smoked a pipe of crack cocaine in the confessional booth.

Welles’ ghost arrived just in time to see Dracul and Hera making out on the Royal Banquet table.

“Woe is me,” Welles remarked as he drove his bicyle through the dining room window and on to the Versailles palace grounds.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 26th
2021.

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It’s The Great Pumpkin, Headless Horseman!

October 11, 2020 at 10:59 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Humour, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The talking and singing black zombie horse Bucephalus Reborn, Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow, Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun and his pet pterodactyl Hovering Voyeurius Over Raquelis Welchius were in Sleepy Hollow having hoped to meet the Great Pumpkin this past Friday night.

Sadly the Great Pumpkin was held up at the U.S. border by ICE officials.

He was put into a cage and had to undergo a test for Covid-19.

Dr. Anthony Fauci was brought in to conduct the test himself.

Dr. Fauci determined that the Great Pumpkin was indeed positive for Covid-19.

However due to the large amount of crying and wailing children outside the ICE compound on the Ontario-New York Canada-U.S.border, 100 doctors from the Center For Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia were brought in to test the Great Pumpkin.

All 100 doctors determined that the Great Pumpkin was negative for Covid-19.

ICE decided to release the Great Pumpkin on this night October 11th.

The Great Pumpkin then headed south to the village of Sleepy Hollow.

Last evening October 10th as they were in their room in the Rip Van Winkle Inn, the 4 visitors to Sleepy Hollow mentioned in the first paragraph watched on their room’s TV set an interview between the ghost of TV talk show host Merv Griffin and the ghost of noted writer, director and actor Orson Welles which was being shown on the Paranormal Channel.

Yesterday October 10th 2020 was the 35th anniversary of the death of Orson Welles (Welles having died on October 10th 1985).

Welles’ ghost was currently serving as an advisor to British MP Renfield R. Renfield along with the ghost of Winston Churchill.

When the interview was over, Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun turned the TV off and phoned downstairs to the front desk asking for a specific brand of rum.

The innkeeper replied, “We haven’t had that spirit here since 1999.”

An artist called Prince who was formerly the artist formerly known as Prince had apparently drank the last bottle at 10 minutes to midnight on the New Year’s Eve just before the advent of the year 2000.

Meanwhile on the radio a well-known female porn star was singing that old Bryan Adams hit Summer of ’69.

Buchephalus Reborn had grabbed an old geographical atlas off the room’s bookshelf and lay on the floor trying to locate the Hotel California on a map.

Outside the window could be seen a horde of eagles circling the inn.

Such was last night the evening of October 10th 2020.

Tonight October 11th 2020 the four were walking towards the Sleepy Hollow pumpkin patch where the Great Pumpkin was putting in an appearance (hopefully).

They walked past the cemetery where schoolteacher Ichabod Crane was buried.

As they walked past the cemetery, the horse Bucephalus Reborn started whistling the tune to an old Irish folk song Whistling Gypsy.

Yaldabaoth began to sing,

The whistling gypsy came over the hill
Down to the valley so shady;
He whistled and he sang
Till the green woods rang
And he won the heart of a lady.


The woman whose heart Yaldabaoth won and would be waiting for him on his bed in the room when they got back to the inn.

They soon arrived at the pumpkin patch.

As spooky music played on an abandoned church organ not far from the pumpkin patch, the Great Pumpkin rose above all the other pumpkins and said,

I am the Great Pumpkin
Doomed for a certain term to walk the night
and for the day confined to fast in fires
Till all the weight gained by eating me
Is burnt and purged away.

With that Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow grabbed the Great Pumpkin.

And Buchephalus Reborn grabbed a tube of Crazy Glue.

When his hooves removed the top off the tube of Crazy Glue, the horse asked, “Why do I feel the spirits of my relatives around me?”.

The horse then glued the Great Pumpkin to the top of the Headless Horseman’s body between his shoulders.

“Woe is me!” Were the Great Pumpkin’s last words before succumbing to the consciousness of Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow.

U.S. Postal Service employee Norman Newman who had been wandering around Sleepy Hollow hopelessly lost the past couple of days came over when he heard the cry “Woe is me!”.

He handed the Headless Horseman a lettered envelope addressed to JOHNNY WO, SLEEPY HOLLOW.

The letter was postmarked UNCLE ERNIE’S PLACE, SOMEWHERE DOWN UNDER, AUSTRALIA.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday October 11th
2020.

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