The Maltese Falcon At Mar-A-Lago: A Poem
Narrator of poem:
“How are ya, sweetheart?
I’m the ghost of Humphrey Bogart
I was recently challenged by my friend the ghost of Orson Welles
to see if I still got tough guy and private eye skills
that I used to have in my movies.
So I took him up on his challenge and headed down to Florida
The site of one of my popular films Key Largo
I heard about this swanky place down there called Mar-a-Lago
A private Palm Beach, Florida club owned by a temper tantrum throwing
spoiled brat billionaire named Donald Trump
Imagine my surprise when I heard this bozo
was also the President of the United States
The country has certainly gone down hill
since the days of Harry Truman
I figure.
Anyways a Chinese lady spy named Yujing Zhang
was arrested at the club trying to enter it with a
thumb drive containing malware
I had no idea what a thumb drive is
Thought it might be that a car was driven by your thumb
instead of both hands in this day and age
or maybe some newly designed form of golf club
they came up with that quite literally relies on the rule of thumb
And as for malware, I thought it was some guy named Mel Ware
who just might be the uncle of Token Ware
a female character in a Raymond Chandler Philip Marlowe story
I was set straight on the new developments in technology
by the ghosts of eccentric Serb-American inventor Nikola Tesla
and some British guy named Alan Turing
who made a name for himself in mathematics
Anyways it turns out this Yujing Zhang wasn’t the only femme fatale
causing intrigue down at Club Mar-a-Lago
Some woman named Li Cindy Yang is also involved
It turns out she owns a massage parlour
where prostitution is said to be going on
on the premises
One of her arrested johns was a Mr. Robert Kraft
the owner of a football team called The New England Patriots
The case is made even more interesting by the fact
that the team’s quarterback Tom Brady
claims he’s able to win football games
through the help of his wife
Gisele Bundchen
who’s a witch.
The whole thing reminds me of a film my friend Veronica Lake
made back in 1942
called I Married A Witch
So you can imagine my surprise when I walked through the door
of Club Mar-a-Lago
and saw the Maltese Falcon on the table
That old bird that appeared in the film by that title
That I starred in back in 1941
Around the table lay the bodies of various secret service agents
who had been completely drained of blood
A beautiful Chinese woman wearing a white evening dress
stood outside the club dining room window
in the middle of the pouring rain
“That most enchanting and intriguing woman is the Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu,”
The ghost of Orson Welles arrived in the nick of time
sipping a glass of red wine,
“She’s the daughter of Dr. Fu Manchu the famous scientist
whose exploits were written about in the novels of Sax Rohmer”.
“What’s she doing here?” I asked Welles.
Welles smiled, “She’s hidden a bunch of condoms owned by the Knights of Malta
in that Maltese Falcon.
That way when they’re found by law enforcement authorities
who are already on their way over here
The find will prove to be problematic and embarrassing
for both Donald Trump and Pope Francis
And the Chinese government will have killed two birds with one stone.”
“Well, that explains the pair of sunglass wearing dead pink flamingos I passed by on the lawn on the way in then,” I remarked
“Those are actually lawn ornaments knocked over by drunken country club members,” Welles finished his wine.
I noticed Mei-ling Manchu approach a fire-breathing Black Dragon
and crawl on to its back
“Off to Venezuela,” she said, “There to watch the Donald play his final Trump card before we divide this land between ourselves and the Russians.”
She and the Dragon flew off into the night sky
I walked outside to watch the Dragon and the vampiress depart
I looked down at the two pink flamingos and remarked to Welles,
“Well, I suppose the problems of two flamingos don’t amount to a hill of beans in this world.”
Welles lit himself a cigar and remarked, “Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday and soon.”
Some young woman named Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez stood outside the club and waved a document called the Green New Deal.
“Bogey on the 18th hole,” the ghost of Arnold Palmer remarked as he walked by with his golf clubs.
I laughed, patted Welles on the shoulder and said,
“You know, Orson, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship”
As we walked off into the misty greens.
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 3rd
2019.
The Golem of Prague Has Gone Missing
DARPA Contract Assassiness and Renfield associate Panty Goatee in Prague on the lookout for the Golem of Prague
“The Golem of Prague has gone missing, gentlemen,” British MP Renfield R. Renfield announced somewhat somberly over his rum and coke to the ghosts of Orson Welles and Sir Winston Churchill.
“Mazel tov,” exclaimed Orson Welles’ ghost inappropriately and somewhat less soberly over his spectral bottle of Mogen David wine.
“Gazooks!” Churchill’s ghost put down his spectral lox and cream cheese bagel.
“Yes, I just got a text message from the Controller of The Golem,” Renfield referred to the Israeli Mossad Agent who went by that code name, “The Golem of Prague went missing last night from the invisible corner of the attic of Prague’s Old New Synagogue when the cantor punched in his invisible co-ordinates on his mobile phone to see if the Golem was still present albeit invisibly.”
“Holy contradiction in terms, Batman,” Churchill’s ghost remarked in somewhat Robinesque fashion, “how did that happen?”.
“Well according to video surveillance footage,” Renfield looked at the footage on his Huawei smart phone, “the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith and the Transylvanian Count Dracula (who appeared to be in a hypnotic state) flew into the attic and minutes later were seen carrying out a very visible Golem. The video has been shared 666 million times on social media because during the Golem heist, the vampiress Lilith was wearing the last evening dress that House of Chanel Creative Fashion Director Karl Lagerfeld (September 10th 1933 – February 19th 2019) who died earlier today had ever designed.”
“Lilith was wearing a Karl Lagerfeld evening gown when she stole the Golem?” Welles’ ghost dropped his cigar in incredulity.
“Say what you will about Lilith,” Renfield poured himself a glass of Glenlivet Single Malt Whisky, “The vampiress does have impeccable good taste.”
“But how was she able to access the code for the invisible corner of the attic of Prague’s Old New Synagogue?” Churchill’s ghost bit deep into his spectral cigar spilling ectoplasmic ash all over his spirited spiritly suit, “only the Controller of the Golem and his designated successor within Mossad know the complicated access code which is to be found in the world’s only Jewish Chinese abacus the whereabouts in Israel that only the Controller and his successor know. Such has always been the case since the state of Israel was created back in 1948.”
“I don’t know how the code was cracked,” Renfield cracked himself a walnut as Donald Trump appeared on his smart phone extolling the virtues of building a wall.
. . .
“It was pure luck,” the somewhat inebriated Irish leprechaun Yaldabaoth (son of the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom Sophia when she was still a virgin although she was helped in terms of genetic manipulation and cloning techniques by the immortal Egyptian priest-scientist Imhotep) told Stephen Colbert the host of the Late Show, “I really didn’t know how to crack the code. But after drinking 200 pints of Guinness, ask me to do anything and I’ll probably do it. Which explains how I wound up face down in the gutter in front of the Apostolic home of the recently defrocked former Cardinal Theodore McCarrick back when he was still Archbishop of Washington DC. I woke up with an awfully sore rectum I do recall.”
“And did Lilith actually wear the last evening gown that Karl Lagerfeld ever designed before he died when she abducted the Golem of Prague?” Colbert asked.
“That she did,” Yaldabaoth nodded as he helped himself to a can of Samuel Adams GOAT Beer and then tossed it aside when he noticed his half-brother’s picture on it, “a Karl Lagerfeld evening dress, red silk nylons and blue spiked stiletto high heeled shoes. I myself wore a pair of green silk tights and a denim mini skirt that I had bought from Old Navy.”
“Are you trying to copy my transsexual transgendered habits?” Yaldabaoth’s younger brother/sister the Baphomet (the male/female human goat demon hybrid that was the son/daughter of the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom Sophia after she had made out with the Greek nature satyr god Pan) lunged at him from the audience.
“We appear to have a fight going on between a transgendered human goat demon hybrid and an Irish leprechaun,” Colbert informed his audience.
Meanwhile backstage the Nazi SS vampiress Helga Electrafreudenbund awaited to talk to Yaldabaoth.
She had failed in her own mission to destroy the Golem back during World War II.
She had ended up being strangled by the Golem of Prague but was brought back to life by Dr. Josef Mengele and then turned into a vampiress by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.
. . .
“The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith is behind much of the anti-Semitism currently happening in Britain and France,” Renfield explained to Welles and Churchill, “Vengeance for what she said was the defamation and libel of her good name in The Babylonian Talmud.”
“What about the current anti-Semitism in the Labour Party?” Churchill asked.
“I’ll have to ask my good friend Liverpool Wavertree MP Luciana Berger,” Renfield replied, “formerly of the Labour Party but left yesterday with 6 other former Labour MPs to form the Independent Group.”
Liverpool Wavertree MP Luciana Berger in much happier times last summer.
Getting her picture taken by fellow MP Renfield R. Renfield as he did his impersonation of Groucho Marx smoking a cigar and doing his hybrid duck/penguin walk.
-A vampire novel
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 19th
2019.
R.I.P. Karl Lagerfeld
September 10th 1933
to
February 19th 2019.
Naomi Campbell wearing an outfit designed by Karl Lagerfeld
Renfield Wears A T-Shirt and Signs Autographs
Renfield R. Renfield was the man of the hour in Britain after his successful appearance on a special PBS episode of Firing Line in which the ghost of William F. Buckley Jr. interviewed the MP.
Militant atheist Richard Dawkins (after an appearance in which he publicly burnt his jock strap that had on it a picture of Michelangelo’s Jehovah creating Adam as depicted on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel) issued a statement, “I have to admit I was impressed by the seeming authenticity of the show. It does look like an episode of Firing Line that would have been directed by Orson Welles had Mr. Welles ever directed an episode of Firing Line. And Buckley’s ghost does come across like Buckley’s ghost would if he ever did a posthumous interview as the interviewer. But as every person who has absorbed my intelligent insight and analysis of the cosmos knows, “There are no ghosts or vampires or mythological beings in actual existence. There is no Heaven, Hell or Purgatory. And there’s definitely no God.”
“I say,” Amadeus Emanon spoke to his girlfriend Angelique Dumont as he ate some popcorn and watched Dawkins on television, “If Dawkins as a militant atheist is burning his jockstrap with a picture of Michelangelo’s Creating Adam on it in imitation of the militant feminists of the late 1960s publicly burning their bras, now my knowledge of history might be somewhat misty but didn’t the militant feminists of the late 1960s at least take their bras off first?”.
“Oh shit,” Dawkins could be heard screaming as someone rushed forward with a fire extinguisher to extinguish his smouldering jockstrap.
“Maybe Dawkins will compose an atheist hymn with the lyrics Nearer My Jockstrap To Thee,” Renfield remarked as he signed autographs from adoring fans and wore a t-shirt that said,
GILLETTE:
The Fruitiest A Man Can Get.
Meanwhile American Catholic bishops and their priestly advisors were packing Gillette shaving products in their suitcases as they headed off to Rome for The Vatican Special Meeting On Predatory Pederast Priests.
. . .
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau looked at the RCMP report in front of him.
The report detailed the investigation into the abduction of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s personal pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever who had been kidnapped by the Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu (daughter of Dr. Fu Manchu) last December and would only be released when Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou was released fully from custody and not extradited to the U.S.
Justin missed his little cannabis pot smoking greenhouse buddy with the prickly needles and his whacky weedy smile.
But the RCMP were unable to find the lost 1960s hippy commune of Calypso’s Bosom on the Canadian West Coast’s Sechelt Peninsula where the marijuana smoking desert plant was being held.
Seeing as how the commune was an Age of Aquarius New Age equivalent of Scotland’s mythical mystical village of Brigadoon, that was no surprise.
. . .
Semiramis the Queen of Babylon to her date Dracul Van Helsing before going out: How do you like my high heeled shoes, Dracul darling?
The better to crush my ex-husband Nimrod the little green frog with, don’t you think?
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday February 10th
2019.
Semiramis’ Early Valentine’s Day Present For Dracul While Andrew Cuomo Sacrifices A Pig To Greek God Zeus For Chinese New Year
Semiramis: “Happy Valentine’s Day, Mr. Van Helsing.”
“But it isn’t quite Valentine’s Day yet,” Van Helsing looked at his Latin sun dial wrist watch (which didn’t work quite so well at night) as he addressed the immortal Queen of Babylon.
“But it is Chinese New Year,” Semiramis smiled, “so I thought we’d take the Persian magic flying carpet that the ghost of Orson Welles left behind in the hotel and use it to fly to your old home town of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada and have dinner at the Blue Willow Restaurant there at your favourite table alongside the statue of Kwan Yin the Buddhist Mother Goddess of Mercy.”
“Or,” Dracul joked, “we could order take out from Lydo Chinese Food.”
He recounted their TV commercial musical song jingle from his childhood, “4-2-6- 5-0-5-0 (their phone number- Editor’s Note), if you’re hungry call the Lydo… now. Free delivery.”
“Van Helsing, shut up,” Semiramis commanded in a spanking dominatrix tone of voice that turned Dracul on.
. . .
Meanwhile in Washington DC, Donald Trump was giving his State of The (Dis)Union Address as the ghosts of Abraham Lincoln, Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant watched from the public gallery.
It was deja vu all over again for the quartet.
. . .
In Beijing China, the Black Dragon had arranged for a Lunar New Year celebration for Chinese leader Xi Jinping.
A wild boar with an Apple iPhone in its mouth along with a real apple was brought in on a silver platter.
The wild boar was dressed in the Stars and Stripes of the American flag and the apple (fruit not iPhone) had a miniature Canadian flag on a toothpick along with a marijuana cigarette sticking out of it.
. . .
In the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine in New York City, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo was sacrificing a live Vietnamese pot bellied pig to a statue of the Greek god Zeus that had been placed in the Lady Chapel.
Horrified looking holographic images of Miss Piggy and Kermit the frog (projected by the CERN Large Hadron Collidor in Switzerland) looked on in horror.
“Kermit, do something,” Miss Piggy shrieked.
“What can I do?” Kermit answered as he ate flies from a can of sardines whose expiry date had long since expired, “It ain’t easy being green.”
. . .
Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom stood alongside a marble bust of Pan the Greek satyr nature god (her one time lover) and addressed the ghost of Orson Welles.
“Do you know how my son Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun is celebrating Chinese New Year in Ireland?” Sophia remarked, “Drunk under several pints of Guinness and a pot of gold.”
“I should have done the same,” Welles’ ghost remarked while suffering an acute case of spectral ectoplasmic indigestion after having ordered the Hungry Ghost Plate Special at Ho Ho’s Chinese Food in the Hub Mall of Edmonton’s University of Alberta campus while a marriage proposal was happening in front of the express food concession stand.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 5th
2019.
Lepardia Marango Plans To Save Renfield’s Life While Andrew Cuomo Sacrifices A Groundhog For Groundhog Day
Lepardia Marango the cultural attache at the South African Embassy in London in a Film Noir genre style photo shoot with the ghost of classic filmmaker Orson Welles
Lepardia Marango was officially the cultural attache at the South African Embassy in London.
Unofficially she was a spy for the foreign branch of South Africa's intelligence service.
Today she was being a model for the ghost of Orson Welles who was doing a Film Noir genre style photo shoot using colour film photography.
Most of the great Film Noir movies of the 1940s and 1950s were shot in black and white although a few were shot in colour.
The 1982 film Blade Runner which could be seen as a Film Noir movie, classic 1940s style detective tale and futuristic sci-fi thriller combined in one was shot in colour.
As was the 1997 film L.A. Confidential (which was sort of a combination Film Noir genre style movie and classic early 1950s style crime police drama) shot in colour.
Now Welles' ghost was trying his spectral hand at shooting a Film Noir himself in colour.
Welles had recently been in Chicago caught in the polar vortex snow storm from Hell that had been caused by the Norse goddess called Hel.
But he got tired of being a spectator at tantric sex encounters where Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was busy making out with various vampiresses, goddesses and women mystics.
So Welles returned to his current earthly home in London, England (Welles had been granted dispensational leave from Purgatory by Hades and Persephone the rulers of the Underworld in order to be able to serve as a spirit advisor to British MP Renfield R. Renfield along with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill).
When the photo shoot was over, Lepardia Marango returned to her apartment.
While there, she received a text message from the South African cultural attache in Moscow (who was also a spy for the foreign branch of South Africa's intelligence service).
Apparently the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva was in London where she was planning to assasinate British MP Renfield R. Renfield at a darts tournament at the Clytemnestra's Revenge and Agamemnon's Bathtub Pub and Beef House in London.
The plot had been arranged by Russia's Vladimir Putin, Turkey's Recep Tayyip Erdogan and Pakistan's Imran Khan (whom Renfield had threatened to blow his testicles off with a .44 Magnum unless Asia Bibi was allowed to leave Pakistan) and Svetlana had been selected to carry it out.
Lepardia entered the pub where she shouted "Stop!" causing Renfield to miss his shot and lose the tournament but saving his life.
. . .
New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo was in upstate New York where he would be sacrificing a live groundhog to show the world what a kind and compassionate person he was.
Joining him in the furry little weather prognosticator's sacrifice was Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam who mercifully was wearing a paper bag over his head so no one would recognize him now that his racist Ku Klux Klan college photo from 1984 had gone viral.
The groundhog was sacrificed in front of a statue of Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft.
Hecate: To whose statue the poor little groundhog was sacrificed
After the sacrifice, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo received a text message from Pope Francis where the pontiff bestowed on the leading Democratic Party politician a special apostolic blessing.
Not far from the Bishop of Rome stood Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal who, along with the Vampiric Knights-Templar and the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow, had taken over the Vatican back on October 13th 2017.
Allatallahbel the vampiress priestess of Baal who had recently dyed her hair red in honour of the recent Super Blood Wolf Moon.
"Well," Allatallahbel laughed, "It doesn't look like Vitae (which was the name of the little groundhog in Sleepy Hollow in upstate New York- editor's note) will be around to enjoy either a late spring or an early spring."
. . .
The Austro-Croatian mystic Maria Orsic calls out to Dracul Van Helsing in her hotel room in the Mysterious Goddess Hotel in Chicago,
"Once more for new time's sake please, Mr. Van Helsing."
. . .
Meanwhile in Nairobi Kenya, the Kenyan vampire huntress Megan Shimbiro had been informed that the Nazi vampire Franz Kohler undead and very very very late of the Ahnenerbe Nazi SS Occult Bureau was up to some sort of nefarious activity in Kenya.
The Kenyan vampire huntress Megan Shimbiro on the lookout for the Nazi vampire Franz Kohler of the Ahnenerbe Nazi SS Occult Bureau.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday February 2nd
2019.
Dracul Van Helsing Meets Maria Orsic
The Austro-Croatian mystic Maria Orsic calls out to Dracul Van Helsing from the window of her Chicago hotel room.
Dracul Van Helsing used the Houdini-Tesla-Pantages prototype magic lanterns for his time travel.
They were a type of image projecting magic lantern that projected black and white film images.
This magic lantern had been invented by the Hungarian-American magician Harry Houdini, the Serbian-American inventor Nikola Tesla and the Greek-American movie producer and movie house theatre chain owner Alexander Pantages working together to develop it in 1925.
Houdini claimed to have gotten the idea for this magic lantern from a magician’s assistant of his named Serena who claimed to have gotten the idea from Thoth the Egyptian god of time.
However the magic lantern still seemed incapable of allowing time travel.
Eventually the Houdini-Tesla-Pantages prototype magic lantern came into the hands of Orson Welles.
In the early morning hours of October 31st 1938 (a few hours after his infamous War of The Worlds radio broadcast), an entity claiming to be a Martian who intensely disliked the state of New Jersey (and why did Welles allow him to land there in his broadcast?) gave Welles further tips on how to tweak the magic lantern to allow time travel.
Welles’ tweaking helped somewhat but it wasn’t enough.
It remained for the magic lantern to fall into the possession of the Austrian-American film actress and inventor Hedy Lamarr (the woman who in the early 1940s invented the wireless radio technology that eventually became Bluetooth and Wi-Fi) to put the final touches on the magic lantern to make it time travel capable.
Lamarr added those finishing touches to the Houdini-Tesla-Pantages prototype in January of 1949.
Hearing the news that an evil member of the Ahnenerbe Nazi Occult Bureau Franz Kohler was still alive and anxious to get his hands on the device, Hedy Lamarr hid it in a West Hollywood movie theatre (that still exists today as a repertory theatre that plays old movies).
She informed Welles where she had placed the magic lantern.
The secret died with them.
However when Hades and Persephone allowed the ghost of Orson Welles to leave the realm of Hades along with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill to serve as spirit advisors to British MP Renfield R. Renfield, the ghost of Orson Welles had informed Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing of its location on New Year’s Day of this year.
Dracul visited the West Hollywood repertory movie theatre on January 14th of this year where he made out with the Greek goddess Athena who was appearing in black and white on the screen.
And Dracul had been time travelling on and off again ever since.
Today in a time warp between the Chicago of a 1930s Hollywood film set and the actual Chicago of today January 31st 2019, he was summoned to enter the hotel room of the Austro-Croatian mystic Maria Orsic (who was Nikola Tesla’s secret love).
Maria Orsic invites Dracul Van Helsing in for a cosmic tantric sex encounter. Dracul obliges.
One Hell of A Snowstorm From Hel The Norse Goddess
Norse Goddess Hel: Do come in out of the cold, Mr. Van Helsing, and come warm yourself inside my welcoming fireplace.
Much of the United States was suffering one Hell of a cold spell and one Hell of a snowstorm.
And it was being caused by Hel the goddess of the Norse frozen underworld.
She had brought one Hell of a polar vortex with her from her abyss in the frozen northern wastelands.
She was able to do so because Wotan/Odin the chief of the Norse Germanic pantheon of gods (known as the AEsir) and King of Asgard was currently in a Set Enterprises eye clinic in London under the care of Dr. Cadbury Rocher as a result of his one good eye being hit by an arrow fired from the Celtic stag god Cernunnos’ crossbow on a U.S. Republican Party Country Club deer hunting trip gone horribly awry and hideously astray.
Since Wotan/Odin wasn’t around to veto the idea, Hel decided to have some fun.
She was currently in a Chicago hotel enjoying both the cold and the snow storm from inside her warmly heated luxury hotel room.
The Norse trickster god Loki was in a Chicago park trying to re-enact a scene from the 1997 Julia Roberts movie My Best Friend’s Wedding and ended up getting his tongue frozen to the ice cold pussy of a frozen ice sculpture statue of the Greek goddess Aphrodite.
The Norse wolf Fenrir and the Baphomet (who was currently in Chicago on a cross-country speaking tour raising funds for the U.S. Democratic Party) laughed heartedly as a Chicago Fire Department welding unit was brought in to free Loki’s tongue from Aphrodite’s pussy.
Dracul Van Helsing was currently walking around Chicago caught in a vortex of time caught between a Chicago in a black and white Hollywood film movie set of the 1930s and the Chicago of the January 30th 2019 polar vortex snowstorm from Hell caused by Hel.
The vortex of time was brought about by the mad scientists at the CERN Large Hadron Collidor tunnel in Switzerland interfering with Dracul’s Houdini-Tesla prototype magic lanterns by which the Canadian vampire hunter was able to time travel.
Shiva had aided CERN scientists in doing this.
Shiva’s wife Kali on the other hand had reached out to help Dracul Van Helsing.
For some reason, Kali’s mention of Dracul Van Helsing on a previous occasion had caused Shiva to turn into a green-eyed monster.
The ghost of Orson Welles, looking very much like the ghost of Christmas Past in Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, appeared to Van Helsing.
“Persephone the Greek goddess of the underworld has sent me to help you,” Welles’ ghost explained, “Van Helsing, you seem to work your way into the most precarious situations. I really don’t understand it.”
Welles’ ghost led Van Helsing on to a Persian flying carpet where they flew through the air to the Mysterious Goddess Hotel in Chicago.
There the Norse goddess Hel invited Van Helsing into her room.
An invitation from the Norse goddess Hel to Dracul Van Helsing.
As Hel and Van Helsing made out and practiced tantric sex on a bear skin rug in front of the fireplace, Welles’ ghost complained about the fact that he was reduced to making porno films in the 21st Century.
Welles and Van Helsing left the room whereupon the door to the next room magically opened and the Norse goddess Freya the Queen of Asgard invited Van Helsing in:
Freya: Do come in and stay awhile, Mr. Van Helsing.
As Van Helsing and Freya engaged in a Kama Sutra tantric sex encounter,
Welles remarked over the Riesling wine and the delicious Norse cod that he was eating, “Well Van Helsing, there’s nothing like forging an alliance between Odin/Wotan and Shiva in one cosmic act of revenge.”
Next door, Morrigan the Celtic goddess of war invited Van Helsing in for a lesson as Welles watched.
Welles drowned his voyeurism in pints of Guinness and bottles of Irish whiskey.
Finally Zeus’ daughter Artemis the Greek goddess of the moon made the Call of The Wild from next door.
Artemis displays a full moon for Van Helsing on this evening.
“Zeus, Shiva and Odin/Wotan in a triple alliance,” Welles moaned over several bucketloads of the best French champagne as he watched the divinely cosmic sexual encounter.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 30th
2019.
Sherrielock Holmes’ 165th Birthday
Today is the Feast Day of the Epiphany.
And it was on the Feast Day of The Epiphany in 1854 that two remarkable individuals were born.
Twins.
A boy and a girl.
The boy would go on to achieve fame and fortune as the world’s greatest consulting detective- Sherlock Holmes of 221 B Baker Street.
The girl would remain in the shadows.
One because of her chosen profession- that of a dominatrix.
And although her clientele included members of the British Empire’s high and mighty, no one wished to publicly speak of her.
She also worked for the most secret levels of British Intelligence.
She had been recruited into British Intelligence on the recommendation of one Winston Churchill in 1914 when he served in the World War I British cabinet as First Lord of The Admiralty.
By this time of course Sherrielock Holmes had achieved immortality.
Quite literally.
For she had eaten a specially prepared omelette made with Lingzhi supernatural mushrooms that had been developed by her husband the noted scientist Dr. Louis Rocher (who was ironically enough the illegitimate son of her twin brother’s mortal arch Prof. James Moriarty and a single unmarried French woman named Isabelle Rocher) which gave her immortality.
Dr. Rocher decided to wait to prepare a similar omelette and achieve immortality for himself.
A decision he came to regret after his plane was shot down by the Red Baron on April 20th 1918 just the day before the Red Baron was shot down himself by Canadian pilot Roy Brown on April 21st.
His immortal Lingzhi supernatural mushroom omelette recipe went to the ground with him.
Sherrielock Holmes left British Intelligence in 1920 and became a school teacher throughout the 1920s.
Sherrielock Holmes found her dominatrix training came in handy teaching in a girls’ school in the 1920s.
Living life briefly as a blonde, she also found her dominatrix experience came in handy teaching in a boys’ school in the 1920s.
Today of course, Sherrielock turned 165.
Her brother Sherlock had been offered one of Dr. Louis Rocher’s immortal omelettes as well but turned him down describing it as “oriental mumbo-jumbo” and “hocus pocus nonsense”.
Sherlock subsequently died of a massive cardiac arrest on May 28th 1937 upon hearing the news on BBC Radio that Neville Chamberlain had replaced Stanley Baldwin as Prime Minister of Britain.
German Fuhrer Adolf Hitler’s glee was the great British consulting detective’s death agony.
So Sherlock was not present at Sherrielock’s 165th Birthday party being held in the main dining room at the Savoy Hotel in London tonight hosted by her great-grandson Dr. Cadbury Rocher who was the chief scientist at Set Enterprises the research and development firm owned by the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
Dr. Cadbury Rocher was the man said to embody the best (and the worst) of Holmes and Moriarty blood.
His greatest testtube genetic creation was present- the shapeshifting hamster/human British MP Renfield R. Renfield widely touted to someday become the Prime Minister of Britain and the Sir Winston Churchill of the 21st Century.
Also present was Amadeus Emanon (Set’s personal concert pianist) who had recently started recording his own songs at a major London music and recording studio and those few music critics who had listened to his songs touted him as a future British music sensation to equal the likes of David Bowie and Freddie Mercury.
Not present was Pan Goatee who had run away from Set Enterprises laboratories to join an American electric music rock band back in 2013 and now worked as a contract assassin for America’s DARPA and a satyr serial killer of ugly women.
There were various genetically modified animals that Dr. Rocher had created as well- including Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster who was currently occupying a blow proof lobster tank in the dining room of the Savoy.
That new Rocher prototype lobster tank turned out not to be so blow proof when Sherrielock entered the Savoy dining room wearing her lovely evening dress.
Waiters and bus boys were still mopping up water and London private eyes Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley (who were a defeated British Conservative MP and defeated British Labour MP respectively) hired to provide security for the birthday party were trying to prevent Gordon Ramsay, who had mistaken Michelangelo for an ordinary crustacean, from placing him in a pot of boiling water.
Intelligence agents from Russia, China and Venezuela were also at the event hoping to discover Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s plans for the redevelopment of the ancient Hebrew general Joshua’s trumpets capable of bringing down any wall (which would virtually ensure that Donald Trump would be pissing $5.6 billion in U.S. taxpayers’ money down the drain).
Renfield was already on his Huawei smart phone communicating with his latest crush newly elected Democratic Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez:
“Now more than ever I think $5.6 billion would be better spent towards implementing a national public health insurance program that most civilized nations in the western world already have” – Renfield
As for another of Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s creations, the genetically recreated winged horse Pegasus was now the pet and favourite animal of Queen Rania of Jordan.
She had received offers from both Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman and Jared Kushner to sell him but she had turned both men down flat.
And as in another place, billionaire George Soros was drowning his sorrows in champagne over the possible imminent collapse of the Brussels led European Union, the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill was proposing a toast to Sherrielock Holmes on her 165th Birthday.
And the ghost of Orson Welles took an old black and white picture of Sherrielock Holmes with an old Polaroid Model 95 Land camera invented by Edwin Land in 1948:
Sherrielock Holmes on her 165th Birthday- Not looking a day over 25.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday January 6th
2018
Feast of Epiphany
Renfield: Now Is The Time To Destroy The Despotic Desert Kingdom of Saudi Arabia
Renfield: Now Is The Time To Destroy The Despotic Desert Kingdom of Saudi Arabia
British MP Renfield R. Renfield sat watching the television in his parliamentary office.
The woman Australian TV news reporter he was watching was positively bubbling over with glee, “Duchess Meghan and Prince Harry are both having a baby. Isn’t that amazing?”.
“It is amazing,” Renfield had to admit, “I didn’t know men could get pregnant.”
He shut off the TV when the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill and Orson Welles joined him for cigars and brandy.
Sir Winston Churchill was helping Renfield in planning to depose the tyrannical and fanatical House of Saud from its governance over most of the vast oil rich Arabian Peninsula.
And Orson Welles was listening in because he got the exclusive rights to write the screenplay for the fall of the House of Saud.
Welles had planned for the screenplay to read like a combination of the writing of Edgar Allan Poe in The Fall of The House of Usher (1839) and Nathaniel Hawthorne in The House of The Seven Gables (1851) and the movie would look like it was made by a combination of directors Woody Allen and Roman Polanski in the film and visual techniques.
If anyone could pull that off, it would indeed be the ghost of Orson Welles.
“Well,” Churchill lit a spectral cigar with a spectral match, “I see Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s idiot successor in the Oval Office is saying the murder of dissident Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi may have been committed by rogue elements in the Saudi government’s secret service.”
“This shows the hazards of sniffing elementary school kid’s glue while using it as a shampoo to wash the dandruff out of your yellowish gold urine coloured toupee,” Renfield noted.
“Indeed,” Welles nodded in agreement, “I noticed Bozo Trump said that Saudi King Salman said he had no knowledge whatsoever of Jamal Khashoggi’s murder.”
“Well, he would say that, wouldn’t he?” The ghost of a young beautiful looking famous British call girl Christine Keeler remarked as she walked by wearing a 1960s era mini skirt.
All three men’s eyes followed her as she disappeared into a portrait painting of John Profumo who was Secretary of State For War in Prime Minister Harold Macmillan’s Conservative Government of the early 1960s.
“Well,” Churchill was the first one of the three to recover from seeing the ghostly apparition, “I see that the Saudi government after first vigorously denying having murdered Mr. Khashoggi is now admitting they may have accidentally murdered him.”
“I wonder whether they accidentally dismembered his body as well,” Renfield remarked as he watched a British farmer fertilizing his field with a dancing diarrhea ridden bull in a YouTube video.
“Undoubtedly,” Churchill blew smoke.
“This is where I can work some Woody Allen style humour into the dialogue,” Welles smiled.
The ghost of Theban king Oedipus’ wife/ mother Jocasta walked by remarking, “I wonder what name they call my son in graffiti on the walls in New York’s Harlem.”
“I don’t think that line can be worked into this script,” Welles confessed.
Jocasta exited Renfield’s office and walked down the parliamentary halls looking for a portrait painting of Sigmund Freud.
Finally Renfield stood up and striking his best Churchillian pose remarked,
“The time has come, the shapeshifting hamster/human MP said, to talk of many things,
of steamy sex with porn stars and ridding the world of despotic Saudi kings.”
The ghosts of Churchill and Welles applauded in agreement.
Finally Welles raised his spectral glass of brandy in a toast and asked,
“When shall we three meet again,
Over wine, brandy, coffee or tea?”
Christine Keeler’s mini skirted ghost appeared and said, “Why not over me?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday October 15th
2018.
Ghost of Theban Queen Jocasta holding her son’s skull 💀 and remarking to the ghost of one of Prince Hamlet’s friends down in Purgatory:
“Alas, poor Oedipus, I knew him well, Horatio.”
Special Firing Line Episode On PBS: Ghost of William F. Buckley Jr. Interviews British MP Renfield R. Renfield
February 9, 2019 at 11:48 pm (Commentary, Culture, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Gothic romance, History, International Intrigue, Mystery, News, Politics, Romance, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (Anahita, Black Dragon, Daughter of Fu Manchu, Dracul Van Helsing, Ho Babylon Minh, Mei-ling Manchu, PBS Public Affairs Program Firing Line, PBS Television, Persian goddess Anahita, Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya of Thailand, Renfield R. Renfield, Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya, The Black Dragon, The Ghost of Orson Welles, The Ghost of Sir Winston Churchill, The Ghost of William F. Buckley Jr., Vietnamese Vampiress Ho Babylon Minh, William F. Buckley Jr., Xi Jinping, Zeus' Kraken Cometh)
Due to the cosmic intertwining of the CERN Large Hadron Collidor in Switzerland and Dracul Van Helsing’s time travelling Houdini-Tesla-Pantages prototype Magic Lantern in a West Hollywood repertory movie theatre, this year’s supernaturally produced episode of PBS’ Firing Line featuring the ghost of William F. Buckley Jr. interviewing British MP Renfield R. Renfield was able to be watched by actor Jimmy Stewart and actress Lana Turner on the set of the film Ziegfeld Girl in 1941.
Due to Hades the Greek god of the Underworld wanting to see it happen and His Conceited Humbleness Pope Francis not wanting to see it happen, Hades ordered the temporary dispensational release of the ghost of the conservative commentator William F. Buckley Jr. from Purgatory to interview British MP Renfield R. Renfield on a special episode of the PBS public affairs show Firing Line on television.
Studio floor director for the show would be the ghost of Orson Welles.
The studio audience would be made up of the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill surrounded by the ghosts of the greatest of the female Ziegfeld Follies girls of the 1920s and ’30s.
As the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill sat in the audience with a big cigar, an ample bottle of brandy and one huge smile on his face, the show began.
“So, tell me, Mr. Renfield,” Buckley’s ghost sat there with a huge spectral copy of The Complete and Unabridged Oxford Dictionary on his lap giving him a spectral hernia, “if you could sum up what’s wrong with the state of America today in just one sentence, what would you say?”.
“Well,” Renfield poured himself a 20 ounce glass of Jack Daniel’s, “if you keep in mind that the terms I use in my statement are the terms exactly as defined by the Greek philosopher Plato in his work The Republic, America’s biggest problem is that its left wing oligarchy suffers from the massive delusion that it is a genuine aristocracy while its rightist tyrant suffers from the massive delusion that he is a genuine monarch.”
“I say,” Buckley was impressed, “That’s quite good actually.”
“Thank you,” Renfield grinned.
In the studio audience, Churchill’s ghost applauded as a lovely and very curvy Ziegfeld girl massaged his cigar.
In the TV audience at home watching, Bill Clinton seethed with jealousy as he saw Churchill’s cigar being massaged.
As for Hillary, she seethed with indignation at Renfield’s comment about the left wing oligarchy since it hit a little too close to home for her liking.
“And what of Russia?” Buckley asked as he sipped from a cup of tea with a picture of the late Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev on it bearing the tattoed inscription LOSER on his forehead.
“Well,” Renfield ignored the Russian bear (possessed by the ghost of Rasputin) operating Camera #2 trying to hypnotize him with his magnetic looking eyes, “Russia’s problem is Vladimir Putin who’s trying to create a country that’s a synthesis of old Czarist Imperial Russia and the Stalinist Soviet Union. Such a synthesis is ultimately bound to fail.”
“And what then should Putin do?” Buckley asked as he picked up a copy of Nikolay Chernyshevsky’s 1863 novel What Is To Be Done?.
“Drop the Stalinist model and concentrate all efforts on Czarist Imperial Russia returning,” Renfield remarked as he drank from a very rare 1894 bottle of Russian vodka.
“Hear! Hear!” Churchill’s ghost ejaculated as his right leg was being massaged by a beautiful and very lovely White Russian exile girl Ziegfeld dancer.
“And what about China?” Buckley asked as he ate from a Lydo Chinese Food Styrofoam carton that had a picture of Richard M. Nixon and Chairman Mao Tse-tung eating 1000-year-old eggs and washing them down with bucketloads of French champagne on the carton cover.
“Well,” Renfield gazed at the lovely Asian dragon emblazoned slit skirted dress wearing vampiresses the Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu (daughter of the late Dr. Fu Manchu so maligned by Sax Rohmer) and the Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh (granddaughter of the late Vietnamese President Ho Chi Minh) who were espionage operatives for the Beijing government and were standing at the back of the studio, “China is the world’s true superpower while America is the Wizard of Oz full of hot air and sitting behind a curtain and trying to shadow box with others by using faded silhouettes of its former glory.”
“My country reduced to the light and shadow contrasts of dark alleys and dying street lamps of the set of an old Film Noir movie,” the ghost of Orson Welles made a cameo appearance statement to the camera.
“On another matter,” Buckley smiled with the beatific smile of a smiling Buddha as the Shall We Dance? theme from the movie The King and I played in the background, “why have your former boss the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and his Persian carpet warehouse business partner the Persian goddess Anahita decided to try and make Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya the next Prime Minister of Thailand?”.
Renfield looked like he had been hit by a sledgehammer (which he would have been by both Mei-ling Manchu and Ho Babylon Minh on orders of the entity known as the Black Dragon if he hadn’t answered the question about China in the correct way).
“What?” Renfield looked totally shocked.
“Well,” Renfield regained his composure, “it’s like the man said to the mousetrap when it caught ahold of his testicles, You’ve really got me there.”
-A vampire novel
written by Christopher
Saturday February 9th
2019.
Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya: The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and the Persian goddess Anahita want her to become the next Prime Minister of Thailand.
Homage is being paid to Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya by Watson Holmes the Executive Vice-President of Set Enterprises
Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya: Renfield R. Renfield was unable to answer the $64 million dollar question about her connection to Set and Anahita posed by the ghost of William F. Buckley Jr. on the PBS public affairs program Firing Line.
The Persian goddess Anahita: What does she have planned for Thailand?
Only the vampire Set and her hairdresser know for sure.
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