Renfield Calls On All EU Countries To Leave The European Union and Save The Internet

April 1, 2019 at 10:27 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield had been so busy with the debate over Brexit and plotting to overthrow the governments of Russian President Vladimir Putin, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro and Pakistani Prime Minister Imran Khan that he had not been informed of Articles 11, 13 and 17 of EU regulations that would destroy the worldwide Internet as we know it and stifle freedom of speech, freedom of expression and artistic creativity leaving the Internet as a place where only those who buy and sell would be able to access the Worldwide Web.

“This is exactly the Mark of The Beast system of The Book of The Apocalypse or Revelation Chapter 13,” said Renfield who had attended Church for Mothering Sunday yesterday.

The Church’s regular Anglo-Catholic Vicar had been called away to Rome to help perform an exorcism on a Vatican Cardinal who was demonically possessed (the Cardinal was considered one of the frontrunners to become the next Pope after Francis).

The guest celebrant and preacher was a Calvinistic Reformed Anglican minister who ignored the readings for the day in the Book of Common Prayer and proceeded to use the occasion of Mothering Sunday to preach on the Mother of Harlots Mystery Babylon as found in Revelation Chapter 17 and the Mark of The Beast system as found in Revelation Chapter 13.

When Renfield found out about the EU regulations Articles 11, 13 and 17, he hit the roof.

As a group of workmen were brought in to repair the roof, they had to work their way around a group of environmentalists who had taken their clothes off in the Public Gallery of the British House of Commons and were currently mooning MPs over what they considered parliamentary inaction on earth’s climate change.

The gallery was cleared after a guest otter from DARPA was brought in who showed that otter flatulence could be as deadly to the environment as that of bovine creatures.

As MPs put on their gas masks and proceeded to vote on 4 different Plan Bs for Brexit, Renfield left the Commons to address the world media on Articles 11, 13 and 17 of EU regulations that would draconianly regulate the Internet.

Renfield spoke next to the statue of Sir Winston Churchill on the Thames River.

Said Renfield solemnly as he addressed the cameras and microphones, “I call upon all countries of the EU to immediately leave the European Union. Not only will this save Britain further embarrassment in giving the world the idea that the British have no idea what to do when it comes to Brexit, this action will also save the Internet as we know it.
As we know a bunch of assholes in the EU bureaucracy in Brussels want to turn the Information Superhighway (as self-proclaimed Internet inventor Al Gore called it) into a massive traffic jam with toll booths every 6 centimeters on the road. It’s high time we give these interfering busybodies in Brussels (whom Mikhail Gorbachev back in the late 1990s labelled the heirs and apostolic successors to the old Politbureau in the old USSR) the raspberry they so richly deserve. Such an action will finally wipe the eggs benedict and eggs Florentine off Theresa May’s face, close a possible Oscar Wilde and Lord Alfred Douglas “open backdoor” on the Ulster-Republic of Eire border and save the Internet and all its memes. After all, if there are no memes left, U.S. Democrats will have nothing to blame when they lose the 2020 U.S. Presidential election. They won’t have the Russians to kick around anymore for 4 more years of Donald Trump and his aesthetically challenged hairpiece.”

Renfield bowed to the media and then went over to talk to his friends Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont.

“Well, how was I?” Renfield asked as he adjusted his Larry King autographed bowtie.

“It was a good speech,” Angelique replied, “but are you sure, people will take you seriously?”.

“Why wouldn’t they take me seriously?” Renfield stopped trying to tie his bowtie, “I was being perfectly serious.”

“Do you know what date this is?” Angelique asked.

“The date?” Renfield looked perplexed.

Amadeus showed him the date on his smartphone- April 1st.

“April 1st?” Renfield suddenly hit his forehead, “Oh shit. April Fools’ Day. People will think I was joking when I called on all EU countries to leave the European Union.”

“And to think they could have left the EU and signed a free trade pact with the 3 Mexican countries that Fox News said Donald Trump was going to cut off aid to,” Angelique sighed.

“One should always start the day by looking at the date on the calendar,” the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill advised, “that way there are no misunderstandings and you don’t miss any appointments. When I was alive, I occasionally missed appointments with my dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes. Which meant my poor buttocks had to pay double, sometimes triple and sometimes quadruple the next time to make up for it.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 1st
2019.


Dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes advises to always check the date on your calendar.

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The Golem of Prague Has Gone Missing

February 19, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Politics, Spy Tales, Technology, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )


DARPA Contract Assassiness and Renfield associate Panty Goatee in Prague on the lookout for the Golem of Prague

“The Golem of Prague has gone missing, gentlemen,” British MP Renfield R. Renfield announced somewhat somberly over his rum and coke to the ghosts of Orson Welles and Sir Winston Churchill.

“Mazel tov,” exclaimed Orson Welles’ ghost inappropriately and somewhat less soberly over his spectral bottle of Mogen David wine.

“Gazooks!” Churchill’s ghost put down his spectral lox and cream cheese bagel.

“Yes, I just got a text message from the Controller of The Golem,” Renfield referred to the Israeli Mossad Agent who went by that code name, “The Golem of Prague went missing last night from the invisible corner of the attic of Prague’s Old New Synagogue when the cantor punched in his invisible co-ordinates on his mobile phone to see if the Golem was still present albeit invisibly.”

“Holy contradiction in terms, Batman,” Churchill’s ghost remarked in somewhat Robinesque fashion, “how did that happen?”.

“Well according to video surveillance footage,” Renfield looked at the footage on his Huawei smart phone, “the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith and the Transylvanian Count Dracula (who appeared to be in a hypnotic state) flew into the attic and minutes later were seen carrying out a very visible Golem. The video has been shared 666 million times on social media because during the Golem heist, the vampiress Lilith was wearing the last evening dress that House of Chanel Creative Fashion Director Karl Lagerfeld (September 10th 1933 – February 19th 2019) who died earlier today had ever designed.”

“Lilith was wearing a Karl Lagerfeld evening gown when she stole the Golem?” Welles’ ghost dropped his cigar in incredulity.

“Say what you will about Lilith,” Renfield poured himself a glass of Glenlivet Single Malt Whisky, “The vampiress does have impeccable good taste.”

“But how was she able to access the code for the invisible corner of the attic of Prague’s Old New Synagogue?” Churchill’s ghost bit deep into his spectral cigar spilling ectoplasmic ash all over his spirited spiritly suit, “only the Controller of the Golem and his designated successor within Mossad know the complicated access code which is to be found in the world’s only Jewish Chinese abacus the whereabouts in Israel that only the Controller and his successor know. Such has always been the case since the state of Israel was created back in 1948.”

“I don’t know how the code was cracked,” Renfield cracked himself a walnut as Donald Trump appeared on his smart phone extolling the virtues of building a wall.

. . .

“It was pure luck,” the somewhat inebriated Irish leprechaun Yaldabaoth (son of the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom Sophia when she was still a virgin although she was helped in terms of genetic manipulation and cloning techniques by the immortal Egyptian priest-scientist Imhotep) told Stephen Colbert the host of the Late Show, “I really didn’t know how to crack the code. But after drinking 200 pints of Guinness, ask me to do anything and I’ll probably do it. Which explains how I wound up face down in the gutter in front of the Apostolic home of the recently defrocked former Cardinal Theodore McCarrick back when he was still Archbishop of Washington DC. I woke up with an awfully sore rectum I do recall.”

“And did Lilith actually wear the last evening gown that Karl Lagerfeld ever designed before he died when she abducted the Golem of Prague?” Colbert asked.

“That she did,” Yaldabaoth nodded as he helped himself to a can of Samuel Adams GOAT Beer and then tossed it aside when he noticed his half-brother’s picture on it, “a Karl Lagerfeld evening dress, red silk nylons and blue spiked stiletto high heeled shoes. I myself wore a pair of green silk tights and a denim mini skirt that I had bought from Old Navy.”

“Are you trying to copy my transsexual transgendered habits?” Yaldabaoth’s younger brother/sister the Baphomet (the male/female human goat demon hybrid that was the son/daughter of the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom Sophia after she had made out with the Greek nature satyr god Pan) lunged at him from the audience.

“We appear to have a fight going on between a transgendered human goat demon hybrid and an Irish leprechaun,” Colbert informed his audience.

Meanwhile backstage the Nazi SS vampiress Helga Electrafreudenbund awaited to talk to Yaldabaoth.

She had failed in her own mission to destroy the Golem back during World War II.
She had ended up being strangled by the Golem of Prague but was brought back to life by Dr. Josef Mengele and then turned into a vampiress by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.

. . .

“The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith is behind much of the anti-Semitism currently happening in Britain and France,” Renfield explained to Welles and Churchill, “Vengeance for what she said was the defamation and libel of her good name in The Babylonian Talmud.”

“What about the current anti-Semitism in the Labour Party?” Churchill asked.

“I’ll have to ask my good friend Liverpool Wavertree MP Luciana Berger,” Renfield replied, “formerly of the Labour Party but left yesterday with 6 other former Labour MPs to form the Independent Group.”


Liverpool Wavertree MP Luciana Berger in much happier times last summer.
Getting her picture taken by fellow MP Renfield R. Renfield as he did his impersonation of Groucho Marx smoking a cigar and doing his hybrid duck/penguin walk.

-A vampire novel
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 19th
2019.

R.I.P. Karl Lagerfeld
September 10th 1933
to
February 19th 2019.


Naomi Campbell wearing an outfit designed by Karl Lagerfeld

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Special Firing Line Episode On PBS: Ghost of William F. Buckley Jr. Interviews British MP Renfield R. Renfield

February 9, 2019 at 11:48 pm (Commentary, Culture, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Gothic romance, History, International Intrigue, Mystery, News, Politics, Romance, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )


Due to the cosmic intertwining of the CERN Large Hadron Collidor in Switzerland and Dracul Van Helsing’s time travelling Houdini-Tesla-Pantages prototype Magic Lantern in a West Hollywood repertory movie theatre, this year’s supernaturally produced episode of PBS’ Firing Line featuring the ghost of William F. Buckley Jr. interviewing British MP Renfield R. Renfield was able to be watched by actor Jimmy Stewart and actress Lana Turner on the set of the film Ziegfeld Girl in 1941.

Due to Hades the Greek god of the Underworld wanting to see it happen and His Conceited Humbleness Pope Francis not wanting to see it happen, Hades ordered the temporary dispensational release of the ghost of the conservative commentator William F. Buckley Jr. from Purgatory to interview British MP Renfield R. Renfield on a special episode of the PBS public affairs show Firing Line on television.

Studio floor director for the show would be the ghost of Orson Welles.

The studio audience would be made up of the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill surrounded by the ghosts of the greatest of the female Ziegfeld Follies girls of the 1920s and ’30s.

As the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill sat in the audience with a big cigar, an ample bottle of brandy and one huge smile on his face, the show began.

“So, tell me, Mr. Renfield,” Buckley’s ghost sat there with a huge spectral copy of The Complete and Unabridged Oxford Dictionary on his lap giving him a spectral hernia, “if you could sum up what’s wrong with the state of America today in just one sentence, what would you say?”.

“Well,” Renfield poured himself a 20 ounce glass of Jack Daniel’s, “if you keep in mind that the terms I use in my statement are the terms exactly as defined by the Greek philosopher Plato in his work The Republic, America’s biggest problem is that its left wing oligarchy suffers from the massive delusion that it is a genuine aristocracy while its rightist tyrant suffers from the massive delusion that he is a genuine monarch.”

“I say,” Buckley was impressed, “That’s quite good actually.”

“Thank you,” Renfield grinned.

In the studio audience, Churchill’s ghost applauded as a lovely and very curvy Ziegfeld girl massaged his cigar.

In the TV audience at home watching, Bill Clinton seethed with jealousy as he saw Churchill’s cigar being massaged.

As for Hillary, she seethed with indignation at Renfield’s comment about the left wing oligarchy since it hit a little too close to home for her liking.

“And what of Russia?” Buckley asked as he sipped from a cup of tea with a picture of the late Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev on it bearing the tattoed inscription LOSER on his forehead.

“Well,” Renfield ignored the Russian bear (possessed by the ghost of Rasputin) operating Camera #2 trying to hypnotize him with his magnetic looking eyes, “Russia’s problem is Vladimir Putin who’s trying to create a country that’s a synthesis of old Czarist Imperial Russia and the Stalinist Soviet Union. Such a synthesis is ultimately bound to fail.”

“And what then should Putin do?” Buckley asked as he picked up a copy of Nikolay Chernyshevsky’s 1863 novel What Is To Be Done?.

“Drop the Stalinist model and concentrate all efforts on Czarist Imperial Russia returning,” Renfield remarked as he drank from a very rare 1894 bottle of Russian vodka.

“Hear! Hear!” Churchill’s ghost ejaculated as his right leg was being massaged by a beautiful and very lovely White Russian exile girl Ziegfeld dancer.

“And what about China?” Buckley asked as he ate from a Lydo Chinese Food Styrofoam carton that had a picture of Richard M. Nixon and Chairman Mao Tse-tung eating 1000-year-old eggs and washing them down with bucketloads of French champagne on the carton cover.

“Well,” Renfield gazed at the lovely Asian dragon emblazoned slit skirted dress wearing vampiresses the Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu (daughter of the late Dr. Fu Manchu so maligned by Sax Rohmer) and the Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh (granddaughter of the late Vietnamese President Ho Chi Minh) who were espionage operatives for the Beijing government and were standing at the back of the studio, “China is the world’s true superpower while America is the Wizard of Oz full of hot air and sitting behind a curtain and trying to shadow box with others by using faded silhouettes of its former glory.”

“My country reduced to the light and shadow contrasts of dark alleys and dying street lamps of the set of an old Film Noir movie,” the ghost of Orson Welles made a cameo appearance statement to the camera.

“On another matter,” Buckley smiled with the beatific smile of a smiling Buddha as the Shall We Dance? theme from the movie The King and I played in the background, “why have your former boss the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and his Persian carpet warehouse business partner the Persian goddess Anahita decided to try and make Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya the next Prime Minister of Thailand?”.

Renfield looked like he had been hit by a sledgehammer (which he would have been by both Mei-ling Manchu and Ho Babylon Minh on orders of the entity known as the Black Dragon if he hadn’t answered the question about China in the correct way).

“What?” Renfield looked totally shocked.

“Well,” Renfield regained his composure, “it’s like the man said to the mousetrap when it caught ahold of his testicles, You’ve really got me there.”

-A vampire novel
written by Christopher
Saturday February 9th
2019.


Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya: The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and the Persian goddess Anahita want her to become the next Prime Minister of Thailand.


Homage is being paid to Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya by Watson Holmes the Executive Vice-President of Set Enterprises


Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya: Renfield R. Renfield was unable to answer the $64 million dollar question about her connection to Set and Anahita posed by the ghost of William F. Buckley Jr. on the PBS public affairs program Firing Line.


The Persian goddess Anahita: What does she have planned for Thailand?
Only the vampire Set and her hairdresser know for sure.

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Sherrielock Holmes’ 165th Birthday

January 6, 2019 at 11:57 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Espionage, International Intrigue, love, News, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Today is the Feast Day of the Epiphany.

And it was on the Feast Day of The Epiphany in 1854 that two remarkable individuals were born.

Twins.

A boy and a girl.

The boy would go on to achieve fame and fortune as the world’s greatest consulting detective- Sherlock Holmes of 221 B Baker Street.

The girl would remain in the shadows.

One because of her chosen profession- that of a dominatrix.

And although her clientele included members of the British Empire’s high and mighty, no one wished to publicly speak of her.

She also worked for the most secret levels of British Intelligence.

She had been recruited into British Intelligence on the recommendation of one Winston Churchill in 1914 when he served in the World War I British cabinet as First Lord of The Admiralty.

By this time of course Sherrielock Holmes had achieved immortality.

Quite literally.

For she had eaten a specially prepared omelette made with Lingzhi supernatural mushrooms that had been developed by her husband the noted scientist Dr. Louis Rocher (who was ironically enough the illegitimate son of her twin brother’s mortal arch Prof. James Moriarty and a single unmarried French woman named Isabelle Rocher) which gave her immortality.

Dr. Rocher decided to wait to prepare a similar omelette and achieve immortality for himself.

A decision he came to regret after his plane was shot down by the Red Baron on April 20th 1918 just the day before the Red Baron was shot down himself by Canadian pilot Roy Brown on April 21st.

His immortal Lingzhi supernatural mushroom omelette recipe went to the ground with him.

Sherrielock Holmes left British Intelligence in 1920 and became a school teacher throughout the 1920s.


Sherrielock Holmes found her dominatrix training came in handy teaching in a girls’ school in the 1920s.


Living life briefly as a blonde, she also found her dominatrix experience came in handy teaching in a boys’ school in the 1920s.

Today of course, Sherrielock turned 165.

Her brother Sherlock had been offered one of Dr. Louis Rocher’s immortal omelettes as well but turned him down describing it as “oriental mumbo-jumbo” and “hocus pocus nonsense”.

Sherlock subsequently died of a massive cardiac arrest on May 28th 1937 upon hearing the news on BBC Radio that Neville Chamberlain had replaced Stanley Baldwin as Prime Minister of Britain.

German Fuhrer Adolf Hitler’s glee was the great British consulting detective’s death agony.

So Sherlock was not present at Sherrielock’s 165th Birthday party being held in the main dining room at the Savoy Hotel in London tonight hosted by her great-grandson Dr. Cadbury Rocher who was the chief scientist at Set Enterprises the research and development firm owned by the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher was the man said to embody the best (and the worst) of Holmes and Moriarty blood.

His greatest testtube genetic creation was present- the shapeshifting hamster/human British MP Renfield R. Renfield widely touted to someday become the Prime Minister of Britain and the Sir Winston Churchill of the 21st Century.

Also present was Amadeus Emanon (Set’s personal concert pianist) who had recently started recording his own songs at a major London music and recording studio and those few music critics who had listened to his songs touted him as a future British music sensation to equal the likes of David Bowie and Freddie Mercury.

Not present was Pan Goatee who had run away from Set Enterprises laboratories to join an American electric music rock band back in 2013 and now worked as a contract assassin for America’s DARPA and a satyr serial killer of ugly women.

There were various genetically modified animals that Dr. Rocher had created as well- including Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster who was currently occupying a blow proof lobster tank in the dining room of the Savoy.

That new Rocher prototype lobster tank turned out not to be so blow proof when Sherrielock entered the Savoy dining room wearing her lovely evening dress.

Waiters and bus boys were still mopping up water and London private eyes Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley (who were a defeated British Conservative MP and defeated British Labour MP respectively) hired to provide security for the birthday party were trying to prevent Gordon Ramsay, who had mistaken Michelangelo for an ordinary crustacean, from placing him in a pot of boiling water.

Intelligence agents from Russia, China and Venezuela were also at the event hoping to discover Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s plans for the redevelopment of the ancient Hebrew general Joshua’s trumpets capable of bringing down any wall (which would virtually ensure that Donald Trump would be pissing $5.6 billion in U.S. taxpayers’ money down the drain).

Renfield was already on his Huawei smart phone communicating with his latest crush newly elected Democratic Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez:

“Now more than ever I think $5.6 billion would be better spent towards implementing a national public health insurance program that most civilized nations in the western world already have” – Renfield

As for another of Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s creations, the genetically recreated winged horse Pegasus was now the pet and favourite animal of Queen Rania of Jordan.

She had received offers from both Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman and Jared Kushner to sell him but she had turned both men down flat.

And as in another place, billionaire George Soros was drowning his sorrows in champagne over the possible imminent collapse of the Brussels led European Union, the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill was proposing a toast to Sherrielock Holmes on her 165th Birthday.

And the ghost of Orson Welles took an old black and white picture of Sherrielock Holmes with an old Polaroid Model 95 Land camera invented by Edwin Land in 1948:

Sherrielock Holmes on her 165th Birthday- Not looking a day over 25.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday January 6th
2018
Feast of Epiphany

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Russia’s GRU Chief Dead- Who Is Responsible?

November 22, 2018 at 11:14 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Espionage, International Intrigue, News, Science, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Donald Trump was being briefed by the CIA while sitting in his briefs (and looking at photos of Shakira for nobody had bothered telling the Twitterer-In-Chief that she was in fact Colombian) on the death of Russia’s GRU (Military Intelligence Directorate) head Colonel General Igor Korobov.

“So he died from a long illness?” Trump asked.

“Well so the Russian media would have us believe,” said CIA agent and cyborg operative George Akirason as he cleared his throat of both phlegm and nanites, “but in fact Korobov only started feeling unwell back in mid-September after having received a severe reprimand from President Vladimir Putin.”

“And what brought about this reprimand?” Trump asked as he combed both seaweed and Black Sea caviar out of his toupee.

“Because Putin got what he thought was a welcome (but she turned out to be unwelcome) visitor in his bedroom one night,” George Akirason coughed a mixture of both phlegm and nanites into his Stormy Daniels photo emblazoned handkerchief, “a sensuous and lovely Kazakh Dragon Sister but she had a poison ivy laced dildo with her which she proceeded to shove up the Russian leader’s anus. She then stapled a note to Putin’s phallus which had on it a message that said, “You’ll never guess what’s going to happen next.” And the message was signed “R.R.R.” The GRU then conducted raids on the Kazakh Dragon Sister’s Moscow apartment but she had fled back to unknown locales in Kazakhstan. Howver the apartment contained several autographed posters of British MP Renfield R. Renfield.”

“Renfield R. Renfield?” The hair in Trump’s toupee stood on end 😨, “That man gives me nightmares for some reason.”

. . .

German Chancellor Angela Merkel was receiving a briefing from a leather skirted female dominatrix Malaysian agent for the German Federal Intelligence Service.

Chancellor Merkel was astounded by how much the woman looked like world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes.

The woman whose secret agent code name was Magic Mushrooms and Killer Tomatoes spoke, “Contrary to what the media is saying, Colonel General Igor Korobov did not die from his illness. He was found face down in his bathroom with both his pants and Rasputin photo emblazoned boxer shorts pulled down and a 20 pound giant banana (with the words THE MAPLE LEAF AND CANNABIS PLANT FOREVER written on it) shoved up his behind. The trauma of the impact was what killed him. A well known Kazakh Dragon Sister assassin was seen leaving his place.”

. . .

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in his parliamentary office drinking brandy and smoking cigars with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill.

“Well,” Renfield raised his glass in a toast, “another successful operation planned by the once and future Prime Ministers of Great Britain. And executed by our beloved Kazakh Dragon Sister secret operative.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 22nd
2018.

A Kazakh Dragon Sister with a love for all things British.

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Renfield: Now Is The Time To Destroy The Despotic Desert Kingdom of Saudi Arabia

October 15, 2018 at 10:55 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Mystery, News, Poetry, The Occult, The Supernatural, Theatre Arts, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield: Now Is The Time To Destroy The Despotic Desert Kingdom of Saudi Arabia

British MP Renfield R. Renfield sat watching the television in his parliamentary office.

The woman Australian TV news reporter he was watching was positively bubbling over with glee, “Duchess Meghan and Prince Harry are both having a baby. Isn’t that amazing?”.

“It is amazing,” Renfield had to admit, “I didn’t know men could get pregnant.”

He shut off the TV when the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill and Orson Welles joined him for cigars and brandy.

Sir Winston Churchill was helping Renfield in planning to depose the tyrannical and fanatical House of Saud from its governance over most of the vast oil rich Arabian Peninsula.

And Orson Welles was listening in because he got the exclusive rights to write the screenplay for the fall of the House of Saud.

Welles had planned for the screenplay to read like a combination of the writing of Edgar Allan Poe in The Fall of The House of Usher (1839) and Nathaniel Hawthorne in The House of The Seven Gables (1851) and the movie would look like it was made by a combination of directors Woody Allen and Roman Polanski in the film and visual techniques.

If anyone could pull that off, it would indeed be the ghost of Orson Welles.

“Well,” Churchill lit a spectral cigar with a spectral match, “I see Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s idiot successor in the Oval Office is saying the murder of dissident Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi may have been committed by rogue elements in the Saudi government’s secret service.”

“This shows the hazards of sniffing elementary school kid’s glue while using it as a shampoo to wash the dandruff out of your yellowish gold urine coloured toupee,” Renfield noted.

“Indeed,” Welles nodded in agreement, “I noticed Bozo Trump said that Saudi King Salman said he had no knowledge whatsoever of Jamal Khashoggi’s murder.”

“Well, he would say that, wouldn’t he?” The ghost of a young beautiful looking famous British call girl Christine Keeler remarked as she walked by wearing a 1960s era mini skirt.

All three men’s eyes followed her as she disappeared into a portrait painting of John Profumo who was Secretary of State For War in Prime Minister Harold Macmillan’s Conservative Government of the early 1960s.

“Well,” Churchill was the first one of the three to recover from seeing the ghostly apparition, “I see that the Saudi government after first vigorously denying having murdered Mr. Khashoggi is now admitting they may have accidentally murdered him.”

“I wonder whether they accidentally dismembered his body as well,” Renfield remarked as he watched a British farmer fertilizing his field with a dancing diarrhea ridden bull in a YouTube video.

“Undoubtedly,” Churchill blew smoke.

“This is where I can work some Woody Allen style humour into the dialogue,” Welles smiled.

The ghost of Theban king Oedipus’ wife/ mother Jocasta walked by remarking, “I wonder what name they call my son in graffiti on the walls in New York’s Harlem.”

“I don’t think that line can be worked into this script,” Welles confessed.

Jocasta exited Renfield’s office and walked down the parliamentary halls looking for a portrait painting of Sigmund Freud.

Finally Renfield stood up and striking his best Churchillian pose remarked,

“The time has come, the shapeshifting hamster/human MP said, to talk of many things,
of steamy sex with porn stars and ridding the world of despotic Saudi kings.”

The ghosts of Churchill and Welles applauded in agreement.

Finally Welles raised his spectral glass of brandy in a toast and asked,

“When shall we three meet again,
Over wine, brandy, coffee or tea?”

Christine Keeler’s mini skirted ghost appeared and said, “Why not over me?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday October 15th
2018.

Ghost of Theban Queen Jocasta holding her son’s skull 💀 and remarking to the ghost of one of Prince Hamlet’s friends down in Purgatory:

“Alas, poor Oedipus, I knew him well, Horatio.”

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DARPA’s Neutrouglotron Bomb Experiment

October 11, 2018 at 10:36 pm (Aesthetics, Arts, Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

DARPA’s Neutrouglotron Bomb Experiment

Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA was currently working on the Beautify Calgary Project (as opposed to the Manhattan Project) – which was developing a new atomic weapon much like the old neutron bomb which instead of killing people and leaving buildings intact was to kill a certain set of people and leave other people intact.

Mephistopheles the demon god of racism proposed killing members of a certain race to Dr. Faustus Imhotep.

However that proposal was vetoed by a higher member of Hell’s demonic and fallen angelic hierarchy.

The hierarchical superior (who approved of Pan Goatee) suggested instead that fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows should be killed with the new weapon.

And hence the name – the Neutrouglotino bomb (a neutron bomb guaranteed to neutralize ugly women and kill them dead- to paraphrase an old TV Commercial for Raid House and Garden Bug Killer insecticide spray).

The proposal was to use it in the City of Calgary since they had the greatest number of ugly women per capita in the world.

And since the vast majority of fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows in the city’s female population were white, it should also meet with the approval of Mephistopheles whose demonic job was to promote racism and hatred of other races among all races.

However only a small quantity of Neutrouglotino powder could be used since it was mined in Antarctica 🇦🇶 and only a small portion could be mined every year.

Pan Goatee upon seeing an ugly woman would then drop the powder and with its UGLO searching ability injected into it through the use of uglo-hating nanites (whose masturbatory thoughts and fantasies were filled with images of Akira a female Japanese sex robot with the highest form of Artificial Intelligence and Dragon Sister kickass Martial Arts abilities which met with the DARPA Seal of Approval by a DARPA employee codenamed after the Greek titan god of heavenly light 🌞) would then go and kill every ugly looking woman within a 5 block radius.

This being Calgary of course, it wasn’t long before Pan Goatee was confronted by the sight of a hideous repulsively ugly looking fat ugly blimp of a white woman.

Pan Goatee threw the bomb powder and the blimp fell to the ground quite dead (causing a major earthquake on the other side of the world from the spot).

Krampus the 2nd arrived on the scene and beheaded the blimp sticking the blimp’s head in a potato 🥔 sack that said DAN QUAYLE FOR PRESIDENT.

The nanites ate the rest of the blimp body and immediately vomited 🤮 afterwards.

This procedure was then followed throughout the day by Pan Goatee encountering numerous fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows.

He’d throw the Neutrouglotron powder, the uglo offender to humanity would keel over, Krampus the 2nd would behead the aesthetic offender, stick the hideous head into the potato 🥔 sack that read DAN QUAYLE FOR PRESIDENT and then the nanites would eat the rest of the uglo creature from Hell (the dreaded and mercifully unknown to Dante 13th circle of the Inferno) and immediately proceed to vomit 🤮 all over the place.

Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi was being inundated with thousands of calls from outraged citizens about gallons of unusual looking vomit 🤮 that were appearing on city sidewalks.

As for the uglo creatures’ heads in the potato 🥔 sack that read DAN QUAYLE FOR PRESIDENT, Goatee had instructed Krampus the 2nd to deliver those to Trump’s gold plated washroom in the West Wing of the White House and to stack the hideous repulsively looking ugly heads one on top of the other on the bathroom floor such as the display from Hell would be the first thing that Trump would see upon entering the Oval Office Executive Washroom.

. . .

Lexington the White House valet heard the most heart wrenching eardrum piercing scream and anguished 😧 cry that he had ever heard in his life.

He went rushing down the hall and there sat Donald Trump on the floor outside his gold plated washroom with a look of extreme shell shock in his eyes, sheer terror on his face and a mouth agape as if dead 💀.

Finally Trump spoke.

He spoke the same words over and over again.

The same words that were spoken by Marlon Brando’s character of Col. Kurtz at the end of Francis Ford Coppola’s 1979 film Apocalypse Now.

“The horror… the horror…”

. . .

While California psychologist Christine Blasey Ford was being flown into Washington DC to be brought in as a consultant to use her Artificial Situation In The Mind Visualization Technique to bring the President out of his state of extreme extreme extreme Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Lexington the White House valet was suspecting a Democratic Party Deep State White House Secret Service plot to only intensify the Donald’s PTSD, the ghost of Orson Welles was showing the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill the TV commercial he had recently directed for a Chilean winery called Casillero del Diablo:

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday October 11th
2018.

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Hades Has No Fury Like The Three Furies and Renfield R. Renfield

September 6, 2018 at 11:46 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Hades Has No Fury Like The Three Furies and Renfield R. Renfield

BBC News Announcer: Angela Merkel, Emmanuel Macron, Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau (along with his friend Gali-Gula who is reportedly an ET Gray from the planet Nibiru) are 4 world leaders who accept the United Kingdom’s Salisbury Novichok poisoning allegations.
The United Kingdom has named two men Alexander Petrov and Ruslan Boshirov of Russia’s military intelligence service the GRU as the main suspects.
Most political experts in the United Kingdom agree that Alexander Petrov and Ruslan Boshirov will probably never face justice for their actions.

As he sat in the Parliamentary office of British MP Renfield R. Renfield, the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill remarked, “The experts are once again wrong.”

Meanwhile Renfield R. Renfield was sharpening his carving knife against the rotating grindstone wheel on his office desk as he memorized the faces in the photos of both Petrov and Boshirov.

Meanwhile in Moscow, Russian President Vladimir Putin was opening a box of Cuban cigars that had on the box the Cuban post office stamped mailing address of the Cuban Presidential Palace in Havana, Cuba 🇨🇺.

When Putin reached his hand into the box to grab himself a cigar, the cigar exploded in his face.

A miniature holographic image of Renfield R. Renfield popped out of the box and laughed, “Ha! Ha! Fooled ya!”.

In a paraphrase of one of Agent 86 Maxwell Smart’s favourite expressions on the old 1960s Mel Brooks TV spy sit com Get Smart, Vladimir Putin sighed as he wiped the black ash off his face, “I can’t believe I fell for the old exploding cigar in the fake package 📦 from Havana Cuba trick.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday September 6th
2018.


What happened to Vincent Price’s character in the 1953 horror film House of Wax is child’s play compared with what will happen to GRU Novichok assassins Alexander Petrov and Ruslan Boshirov at the hands of Renfield R. Renfield.

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Cleopatra and The Maitreya On Lammas Night

August 1, 2018 at 11:00 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Cleopatra and The Maitreya On Lammas Night

After British MP Renfield R. Renfield signed a contract with the Three Goth Witches of MacBeth that was written in Classical Greek and translated into medieval Scottish Gaelic and signed in Renfieldian blood (the contract gave the 3 Goth witches Renfield’s soul – which Renfield as an atheist didn’t believe in its existence anyways- in exchange for Renfield becoming Prime Minister of Great Britain 🇬🇧 for 7 years), Renfield suddenly noticed that he left his autographed photo of leather skirted Sherrielock Holmes inside the Night Wolves’ Prayer Auditorium.

He went back to retrieve it and while there, he happened to notice 72 Night Wolves emerging from the basement.

At the text message suggestion of a well known Australian 🇦🇺 poet named David Redpath, Renfield and Polish vampiress Annaka Wyszynski rounded up the 72 Night Wolves and put them on a Midnight Express back door delivery to a Turkish Ottoman prison in Istanbul (Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster prophesied that the incident would be turned into a film called Analcide On The Orient Express).

The sight of the praying Night Wolves with their bums up in the air was greeted with a Hallelujah Chorus of “Allah is most gracious. He has sent us 72 non-dark eyed anal virgins in this earthly lifetime without having to blow ourselves up in martyrdom like the brainless and dickless jihadis of ISIS” by the Turkish prison guards.

After loading the bottom of the missionary position Night Wolves on to the train 🚊, Renfield joined a conversation that the ghost of Orson Welles was having with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill about the literally immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes.

Churchill was remarking to Welles on how his wife Clementine had hired Sherrielock Holmes to tomato 🍅 his (Winnie’s) bottom back in early 1945 as the British wartime Prime Minister had taken to drinking far too much.

After a few intense months of even more intense sobriety, Churchill’s sober second thought gave him an idea 💡 on how to successfully end the war with Germany.

His sober idea 💡 was to fly Sherrielock Holmes behind enemy lines and get her to tomato the buttocks of both German Fuhrer Adolf Hitler and SS Reichsfuhrer Heinrich Himmler.

Sherrielock did this getting Adolf to shoot himself shortly after marrying Eva Braun on April 30th 1945 (when he discovered that Eva wanted him to assume the missionary position during conjugal intercourse – a position that would be extremely painful for the long suffering Fuhrer in his current post-tomatoing condition).

Himmler was so traumatized by the thought of being unable to sit down comfortably for the next 25 years that he committed suicide by biting into a cyanide capsule on May 23rd 1945.

Churchill regretted that he hadn’t had the period of intense sober second thought a lot sooner.

Otherwise he might have thought up this brilliant idea 💡 a lot sooner.

“As I told Westminster College at Fulton, Missouri in my Iron Curtain speech of March 5th, 1946, if I had gotten my Iron Tomatoing 🍅 a lot sooner, there would probably be no Iron Curtain dividing Europe today for the War would have ended a lot sooner and Josef Stalin would be up Shit Creek without a paddle.”

“Did Sherrielock wear a British Commando paratrooping outfit when she parachuted behind enemy lines?” Welles grimaced.

“No,” Churchill shook his head, “she wore a leather mini skirt, black silk fishnet nylons and black spiked super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes an outfit which prevented her from getting shot down from German snipers as they all started masturbating on the spot as soon as they spotted her with their binoculars.”

. . .

“Lexington,” Donald Trump spoke to his British butler and valet, “I’m seriously considering breaking all constitutional and legal precedent and personally firing special counsel Robert Mueller. What do you think?”.

“I think you should do it, sir,” Lexington replied.

“Really?” Trump looked at his hair in the mirror and noticed how much it looked like golden maize corn 🌽 currently growing in the fields of Kansas.

The Oval Office window was smashed by the Wicked Witch of the East flying through on her broomstick.

The witch’s face landed in Trump’s hair and she was killed instantly.

“All right then, Lexington,” Trump pointed at the Wicked Witch’s shoes, “Give these to Robert Mueller and tell him to take a hike.”

. . .

It was Lammas Night and Cleopatra (the former High Queen of Egypt and current High Queen of Ireland) was celebrating with her husband the Nepalese-Tibetan Himalayan golden cobra serpent the Maitreya in a Berlin discotheque.

Cleopatra and Maitreya watched via FaceTime on their respective iPhones as Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal sacrificed a living baby lamb on the altar of York Cathedral at the Lamb-Mass in York Cathedral on this the Feast Day of Saint Peter ad Vincula.

Both Cleopatra and Maitreya ate Lammas loaf owls (the bread 🥖 🍞 loaf owl 🦉 equivalents of gingerbread men) with salt eyes as the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith’s eyes started to water on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem as a sudden gust of wind came up and the ghost of Jack The Ripper appeared.

Cleopatra decided to head down to the dance floor and hoped that someone would ask her to dance on this Lammas Night.

As Cleopatra stood on the dance floor in front of a neon psychedelic icon depicting Persephone the Greek goddess and divine queen of The Underworld of Hades…

… a Black Jaguar approached her to ask her to dance.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 1st
2018.

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The 100th Anniversary of The Execution of The Romanov Russian Imperial Family By The Bolsheviks

July 17, 2018 at 10:01 pm (Biographical, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Obituaries, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The 100th Anniversary of The Execution of The Romanov Russian Imperial Family By The Bolsheviks

1 AM on July 17th 1918 in a fortified mansion in the town of Ekaterinburg in the Ural Mountains, the Tsar Nicholas II, his wife the Tsarina Alexandra, their 4 daughters the Grand Duchesses Olga, Tatiana, Maria and Anastasia, and their son the Tsarevich Alexis were slaughtered by a Bolshevik firing squad.

The order to kill the entire Imperial Family had undoubtedly come down from Lenin himself.

But wisely he never officially wrote it down on paper.

. . .

Vladimir Putin poured himself tea from the samovar.

He then added lemon and honey- the Russian way of having tea- and… handling diplomacy.

To Putin, it was just a day like any other.

Nothing notable.

. . .

British MP Renfield R. Renfield remarked to his friend Amadeus Emanon, “So the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill and I were discussing what should be done with Russia 🇷🇺 once I finally succeed in bumping off their strongman leader. We both agreed Russia should become a constitutional monarchy with the heir to the Romanov throne restored.”

“So I suppose you’re headed to Parliament to vote yes on the non-confidence motion to bring down Theresa May’s government over Brexit,” Amadeus said as he munched tea and crumpets.

“As a matter of fact, I’m not,” Renfield replied, “I’m off to Oxford University today.”

Renfield smiled as he tied his tie and walked out the door.

Amadeus sat frozen in position the next 5 minutes with the piece of crumpet only a millimetre from his mouth.

Finally he put the crumpet down and looked at the front door of the Set mansion in a state of shock.

Renfield had been yacking the past few days about the fact that if Theresa May’s government was defeated, Her Majesty the Queen might name him Prime Minister as the head of a National Unity coalition government.

So why then was Renfield skipping the non-confidence vote on May’s government (when every single MP vote counted) and heading off to Oxford instead?

“What,” Amadeus wondered to himself, “was so important about being at Oxford today?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 17th
2018.

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