Renfield and The Ghosts of Uncle Ernie In Three Temporal Locations

May 15, 2020 at 10:57 pm (Fantasy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Humour, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield and The Ghosts of Uncle Ernie In Three Temporal Locations

“To be a pirate king, to be a pirate king,
it is, it is a glorious thing to be a pirate king,
To steal the lordly ring, to steal the lordly ring,
it is, it is a glorious thing to steal the lordly ring, 
To be able to shower and sing, to be able to shower and sing 
it is, it is a glorious thing to be able to shower and sing …”

Renfield fell asleep after singing his song in an attempt at a home musical operetta podcast after having butchered the lyrics of the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta The Pirates of Penzance.

He was awakened by an apparition identifying itself as The Ghost of Uncle Ernie Past.

“I’ve never heard of you,” Renfield blinked, “What happened to Christmas Past?”.

“It’s long past,” Uncle Ernie explained, “We’re now approaching the middle of May. I’m here to show you the past.”

“My past?” Renfield asked.

“No, mine,” Uncle Ernie grabbed Renfield’s hand in violation of social distancing protocols and took him back to Australia in the mid-1980s to a living room.

“What is this place?” Renfield asked.

“I have no idea,” Uncle Ernie answered, “but the TV commercial for my kids’ birthday party balloon sculpture business is about to come on.”

The commercial shows a group of kids dancing around Uncle Ernie who’s wearing a clown costume.

Kids (singing): 
Uncle Ernie we love you, 
To us, you are a star,
Uncle Ernie we love you 
and what you keep in your candy jar.

“And was your business a success?” Renfield inquired.

“Sadly,” Uncle Ernie had tears in his eyes, “I wound up in jail right after this first commercial aired. The Sydney police decided to investigate just what it was I had in that candy jar. And while I was behind bars, what I had in that candy jar was passed around to a night time sitting of the Australian Senate. The Hansard minutes of that particular Senate session are still marked Confidential and Top Secret to this day for some reason.”

Renfield woke up and found himself in a pub in downtown Sydney.

“I’m the ghost of Uncle Ernie Present,” Uncle Ernie smiled as he downed another beer.

“Australia in May 2020?” Renfield looked around, “But aren’t there any lockdown measures in place?”.

“Not in joints owned by the inscrutable Mr. Inn Lu,” an elderly Asian gentleman dressed like Confucius bowed to them, “The authorities leave me alone. Here are the lap dancers you ordered, Ernie. Ming Ling and Ding Dong.”

Ding Dong sat on Renfield’s lap, “The last time I sat on your lap, Uncle Ernie, you didn’t have much of a dong to ding.”

“Well I never,” Uncle Ernie protested.

“That’s probably the truest thing you’ve ever said in your life, Uncle Ernie,” Ming Ling giggled.

After an hour of ecstatic bliss, Renfield was awakened by the sound of Big Ben ding donging.

Which was strange since Big Ben was currently under repair.

“I am the Ghost of Uncle Ernie to come,” said Uncle Ernie.

“Oh, Uncle Ernie, you’re such a liar,” Ming Ling giggled, “you never come.”

Uncle Ernie’s face turned red as the apparition vanished into the night.

“I need to stop eating those Australian candies,” Renfield remarked as he slid under his computer desk and into oblivion.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 15th 2020

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