Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes: A Gothic Mythological Private Eye Poem

January 12, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic, Gothic poem, Gothic romance, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mythology, News, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

All of the faces and all of the places
Wonderin’ where they all disappeared…
It’s those changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Nothing remains quite the same
With all of our running and all of our cunning
If we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane

Those changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes…
Through all of the islands and all of the highlands
If we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane.

-Jimmy Buffett, August 1977.

The water nymph Ondine in a pre-Raphaelite painting
that Carson Cody Albion Private Eye gazed at on a wall
An immortal made immortal in stroke of brush and mixture on palette

And now he Carson Cody Albion who had been made immortal by Atargatis


would he too someday be immortalized in stroke of brush and mixture of palette
An immortal beyond time and space
captured on canvas in frame occupying a place on a wall
captured in paint by a particular person at a particular time and place
was this why infinity turned in on itself and formed a pair of loops
intersecting at a particular point in time and space?

And what of his painting?
Albion wondered to himself
Could his own sins and transgressions be transferred to his painted visage
As happened to Oscar Wilde’s hero of one Dorian Gray
in the Victorian dandy’s tale of gothic philosophical fiction?

In the same place California but at a different time over 75 years later
Dracul Van Helsing stumbled upon the aftermath of a child sacrifice to Baphomet
presided over by the state’s governor in an act of officially consecrating the state to the demons Baal and Baphomet
As moonbeams danced and sunflowers turned brown in the darkness of night and the crescent of a moon and the bloodbath following a baby’s screams at the hands of a World War II jerry’s insigniaed knife
Baphometa the daughter of Baphomet emerged

clutching her shoulder as if clutching a bloody wound
that was the sole remaining wound of the last vestige of whatever innocence she might have possessed
prior to participating in her first child sacrifice

Oh even daughters of demons stand wounded
when suddenly they come face to face with the dark side of their nature
when given their pedigree, surely the dark side was theirs by nature
but alas even for daughters of demons, darkness embraced and innocence lost
was not and should not be the lot of any of creation
since that dreaded day when the Light-Bearer ascended and became the Bearer of Darkness
An ascent that descended so rapidly
A light that burned so impenetrably it became the blackest of all darkness

Dracul rushed to embrace the distraught Baphometa
Leaving one to wonder could kindness and consolation drive the darkest darkness away?

Back 75 years, the real Ondine stood in front of Carson Cody Albion

Her hair colour had changed since the Pre-Raphaelite artist
had painted her picture in England in the 19th Century
Changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
What a change that can bring
Switch the time, switch the place
Switch the hair

By a stream of water, the hero in the Pre-Raphaelite painting
had lost the water nymph Ondine
By a fountain of water, Carson Cody Albion had found her

Changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Even H2O wasn’t the same everywhere
as ice and snow fell into the ocean
Below the cascading castles of clouds

Against a snowy backdrop, the Byzantine vampiress Theodora
stood with her two mastiffs in the Carpathian Mountains of Romania

Facing Interpol agent Peter Whitstable
Whitstable had heard the urban myths and legends and tales of mysterious black eyed children
and now he stood face to face with black eyed dogs
And they stood staring at him
If eyes be the mirror of the soul, then souls these two black eyed mastiffs did not have
But fortunately for Whitstable, he was not their target
The Russian Orthodox monk behind him was
Sent by Patriarch Kirill of Moscow
As an emissary to the Romanian Orthodox Church
to advise them to break communion with Constantinople
But such was not Theodora’s plan
And foolish mortals should not interfere with the best laid plans of vampiresses
Particularly one with black eyed mastiffs at her beck and call

Changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
From the mountain heights of Romania to the desert sands of Arabia
The Countess Draculina daughter of Count Dracula

strolling by the stream of the oasis palace of
Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman
And she saw the Prince walk by
Book in hand
But the book he carried was not the Quran
But the Zohar
Most pre-eminent text in the Kabbalah

Tantric sex with Baphometa was called for
As Marvin Gaye sang Sexual Healing in the background
Dracul Van Helsing healed her
And Persephone the Queen of the Underworld waited for Dracul at sunset
at an Episcopal monastery in Santa Barbara

From the depths of Hades her husband’s realm
To the heights of Santa Barbara
Definitely changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
As Dracul and the Queen of the Underworld had tantric sex
And the Canadian vampire hunter made a cuckold of Zeus’ infernal brother
A pomegranate was crushed beneath the feet of the pair
And Persephone laughed, “Oh, Dracul,
if we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane.”

-A vampire novel chapter
and gothic mythological
private eye poem
written by Christopher
Saturday January 12th

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Pan Goatee’s Bowel Movement and Lobster Flambé

July 16, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Bowel Movement and Lobster Flambé

Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee hurriedly walked into the restaurant not to have something to eat but to have a bowel movement.

He was in desperate need of a bowel movement.

A bowel movement no doubt brought on by the dozen plates of curried goats’ legs he had ordered and eaten at Dr. Hannibal Lecter’s Curried Goats’ Legs For Satyrs Concession Stand in the park.

He hurriedly walked into the men’s washroom of the restaurant.

“Oh shit!” Goatee exclaimed.

But he was unable to do that.

For the sole cubicle in the washroom was occupied.

Pan Goatee did the Hyperion Tomatoed Bottom Dance with both his legs as he waited for the asshole in the cubicle to hurry up and have his bowel movement.

But the asshole in the washroom cubicle was taking his sweet smelly time.

Goatee could wait no longer.

He ran outside the washroom.

He noticed a long line up by the pop machine as customers were complaining as the woman at the front of the line was taking her sweet time filling up all 24 large cups she had with her.

“Someone should really do something,” an elderly man cried as he keeled over from heat exhaustion and thirst on this sizzling hot summer day.

“It’s all right, folks,” Pan Goatee went to the front of the line and beheaded the woman with his astral laser machete.

He then ran back to the men’s washroom.

“Oh shit!” Pan Goatee exclaimed again.

The asshole was still in there.

“How many bowel movements can one total asshole have?” Goatee complained and went out again and sat on a seat crossing his legs waiting for the asshole to finally emerge.

After what seemed like an eternity (and Pope Francis says there’s no such thing as Hell), the asshole finally emerged.

Goatee noticed no one else had gone into the washroom and stood up to hurry in.

Suddenly a fat ugly blimp at that moment came out of the women’s washroom and waddled down the small passageway between the dining area and the washrooms immediately visually assaulting Pan Goatee’s eyesight and profound sense of aesthetics.

“Aww, shit!” Pan Goatee exclaimed as he beheaded the fat ugly blimp.

And proceeded to do just that.

He pulled down the Bermuda shorts he was wearing and shit all over the blimp’s decapitated head and headless body.

He then jumped through the restaurant window breaking it and chased down the asshole who had taken so long in the cubicle of the men’s washroom.

“You asshole,” Goatee shouted at the man, “thanks to you taking so long to have a fucking bowel movement, my eyes were forced to endure the sight of a fat ugly blimp exiting the women’s washroom. You inconsiderate low class proletarian slob! Other people have to have bowel movements too you know.”

Goatee immediately decapitated the man and proceeded to cut him up into a million pieces.

Goatee could feel more of Hannibal Lecter’s curried goats’ legs for satyrs coming out so he once again pulled down his Bermuda shorts and shit all over the inconsiderate asshole’s remains.

“I’ll have a lamb burger please,” a man at the restaurant drive-through spoke into the intercom as a copy of Thomas Harris’ novel The Silence of The Lambs lay on the car seat alongside him.

. . .

Two men were meeting in Helsinki, Finland 🇫🇮.

One was a partially bald headed man with the intense glare of a Siberian wolf to quote a great poet.

The other was a man wearing a toupee that was the colour of fur of a Welsh corgi to quote the same great poet.

The Welsh corgi coloured hair man was down on his knees in a doggy position as the partially bald headed man with the Siberian wolf stare sodomized him in his naked rear end.

“Thanks for the memories,” said the man in the lower position, “I hope you won’t be offended if I don’t tweet about this.”

“Nyet,” replied the man in the upper position.

. . .

Finnish President Sauli Niinisto was informed by the head of his country’s security services that a lobster dressed in a Japanese ninja mask and whose lobster claws contained a lethal dose of the most deadly of scorpion poisons had been intercepted at Finnish Customs in Helsinki in the possession of two British citizens.

. . .

“How was I to know that a Japanese-Finnish lobster trade war was currently underway?” British MP Renfield R. Renfield complained to his friend Amadeus Emanon as his plan to bump off two men in Helsinki was nipped in the bud thanks to the vigilance of Finnish Customs.

The two London private eyes that Renfield had hired and the Dr. Cadbury Rocher genetically created Japanese Ninja lobster assassin Shinigami were currently being held in custody in Helsinki awaiting the payment of the equivalent of the 6000% tariffs that Finland 🇫🇮 had applied to Japanese lobsters in the heated trade war between the two nations over the Maritime product.

. . .

Hades the Greek god of the underworld was sitting in his lavishly decorated banquet hall in Earth’s lower regions enjoying a lobster Flambé of Japanese lobsters.

He was celebrating the departure of the spirit of Julius Caesar from Purgatory (that he had granted without papal dispensation from Pope Francis).

Great Caesar’s ghost had been giving the Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte’s ghost Latin lessons while Napoleon in turn had been giving Caesar French lessons.

The long drawn out lessons had bored Hades’ 3-headed dog Cerberus to sleep allowing several souls to escape from the underworld.

Finally Hades decided to let Caesar’s ghost wander up on the earth’s surface for awhile.

Caesar’s ghost decided to enter a marble statue of himself located inside a Rome museum of antiquities.

After entering the statue, the first thing Caesar thought he would do is have a drink as he had not had a drink in over 2000 years.

It was then that Caesar discovered that he had chosen the wrong statue of himself to enter.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 16th

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The Cat Who Ate Wolves For Breakfast (Plus Lunch and Supper)

April 20, 2017 at 5:03 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Horror, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Russian Spetsnaz special forces who had parachuted into Kiev last Thursday under the command of the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith were werewolves.

They were a special type of werewolf.

Each soldier was a bodark werewolf.

A bodark is a person who wants to become a werewolf in Russia (as opposed to a a wawkalak who was just turned into a werewolf through the evil actions of the Devil).

To become a bodark, a person would run into a forest and stab a copper knife into a tree (while such an action might be pleasing to manufacturers of copper knives as well as those with huge investments in the copper industry, the undertaking doesn’t go over so well with Greenpeace and tree huggers everywhere).

While still holding on to the knife in the innocently stabbed tree, the would-be bodark is required to repeat this chant:

“On the sea, on the ocean, on the island, on Bujan,
On the empty pasture gleams the moon, on an ashstock lying
In a green wood, in a gloomy vale.
Toward the stock wandereth a shaggy wolf.
Horned cattle seeking for his sharp white fangs;
But the wolf enters not the forest,
But the wolf dives not into the shadowy vale,
Moon, moon, gold-horned moon,
Cheek the flight of bullets, blunt the hunters’ knives,
Break the shepherds’ cudgels,
Cast wild fear upon all cattle,
On men, on all creeping things,
That they may not catch the grey wolf,
That they may not rend his warm skin
My word is binding, more binding than sleep,
More binding than the promise of a hero!”

Once the tree has been stabbed and the incantation chanted (with Taylor Swift singing “Boys only want love if it’s torture” in the background), the person runs off into a forest and changes into a werewolf as he does so.

Once these Russian Spetsnaz special forces soldiers had become full-fledged grey wolf bodark werewolves, Vladimir Putin put these men under the command of the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith in a secret treaty he signed with her shortly after his 2014 annexation of Crimea.

Lilith’s Bodark Grey Wolf Squadron did not turn into werewolves during a full moon.

Instead they turned into werewolves after listening to an old Gramophone recording of Josef Stalin singing the Soviet National Anthem in concert with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (under a never revealed protocol of the Tehran Conference that was held from November 28th to December 1st 1943, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir were secretly flown to Moscow on December 26th 1943 (thereby missing out on Utah Boxing Day sales) to make the recording in musical choral accompaniment with Josef Stalin.

As Lilith played the recording turning the Russian Spetsnaz special forces commandos into grey wolf bodark werewolves, another grey wolf was walking the streets of Kiev.

The grey wolf was none other than the ancient Germanic god Wotan’s mortal son Adolf Hitler.

He had been granted permission to leave the Underworld by Hades and Persephone after Thor paid a visit on Odin/Wotan’s behalf requesting that they do so.

The grey wolf formerly known as Adolf stopped in its tracks when it heard the voice of Josef Stalin singing the Soviet National Anthem.

The grey wolf formerly known as Adolf visualized the Hungarian actor Bela Lugosi as Count Dracula saying, “Listen to him, the constipated dictator of the night. What a racket he makes.”

When the Gramophone finished playing and the commandos became grey wolf bodark werewolves, they were immediately attacked and eaten by a giant black cat.

The name of the giant black cat was Amorous Laetitia (whose name had inspired the title of a recent papal document although the first name was spelled differently in the Apostolic Exhortation).

Amorous Laetitia was the name of the personal pet cat and familiar of Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft.

Hecate had recently been beheaded by Pan Goatee’s astrally projected laser machete while she was in her crone form.

The head had been taken to a New York City cryogenics lab but the lab had been broken into by Loki and Fenrir and Fenrir had eaten the head.

Since then, Amorous Laetitia had torn apart every wolf she had come across in hopes she’d find her mistress’ head.

When she didn’t find it, she just ate the rest of the disemboweled wolf,

After seeing the black cat Amorous Laetitia eat the Spetsnaz bodarks, the grey wolf formerly known as Adolf ran down an alley and entered a building for safety.

The building turned out to be Brodsky Synagogue which was Kiev’s largest.

The grey wolf formerly known as Adolf could not help but think that the gods of the universe were playing some sort of cosmic joke on him.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 20th

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