Aphrodite In Venice
The Greek goddess Aphrodite in the city of Venice
The Greek goddess Aphrodite was in the city of Venice wearing a beautiful lilac dress as she walked along a brick pier.
She was here to meet Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
Van Helsing was on a mission for Set Enterprises.
Set Enterprises was hoping to stop Asclepius the Greek god of medicine, Thoth the Egyptian god of math 🧮 and the sciences, the Norse trickster god Loki, evil deranged mad scientist Dr. Anthony Fauci and the satanic AntiPope Jorge Mario Bergoglio from bringing the Egyptian divine trio of Isis, Osiris and Horus back from the dead.
Isis, Osiris and Horus had recently been dispatched to the Underworld by Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit secret agent Phoebe Sears.
The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was hoping to use Van Helsing’s influence with Aphrodite to use her influence with Zeus to use his influence with his grandson Asclepius not to bring that Egyptian divine trio back from the dead.
Orson Welles’ ghost was on a boat enjoying a plate of spectral Black Sea caviar as Van Helsing approached Aphrodite.
Van Helsing and Aphrodite went to a nearby Venetian restaurant to discuss their plans.
The waiter in the restaurant poured Dracul and Aphrodite glasses of iced water as the pair examined the menu.
Samhain Cardinal Salaman (one of the few heterosexuals in Francis’ Vatican Curia) walked by.
He tapped each one of the glasses of iced water 💦 and turned it into wine 🍷.
“Don’t worry,” the Cardinal smiled, “I am just a volshebnik. I am not Christ.”
Meanwhile back on the boat, the ghost of Orson Welles holding a glass of red wine 🍷 that suddenly turned to iced 🧊 water 💦 watched as the ship The Flying Dutchman sailed into the Venetian harbour.
“Captain Hendrick Van der Decken at your service,” a man wearing the 18th Century maritime uniform of a sea captain for the Dutch East India Company appeared in front of Welles.
. . .
World Economic Forum Chairman Klaus Schwab would be speaking to a group of influential businessmen.
Set Enterprises had sent one of their Intelligence Unit secret agents the invisible 6 foot 8 tall Welsh pooka purple bunny rabbit Harvey Tallbanger to inject a needle 💉 containing truth serum into the buttocks of Klaus Schwab so he would be compelled to tell the truth at some point during his speech.
As Schwab stood up at the podium shooting his mouth off with banal platitudes, he suddenly grimaced but then went on.
Said Schwab, “Adolf Hitler said it by railway loudspeaker to the Jews leaving by train to the camps of Auschwitz, Buchenwald and Dachau almost a century ago and I will say it again, “You vill own nothing and you vill be happy.” Oh kacke scheisse, I can’t believe I just said that.”
. . .
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was doing a Saturday night podcast.
Noted Renfield, “Earlier today I got an invitation on Facebook from a group calling itself Bud Light Drinkers 4 Justin a group whose motto is Justin Trudeau is The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread 🥖 🍞. I googled the group and I’d have to say the photo of the group Bud Light Drinkers 4 Justin looks a lot like The Rocky Horror Picture Show but with a lot uglier looking transvestites. I messaged them back saying Thanks but no thanks. I also pointed out that Justin Trudeau is not the greatest thing since sliced bread. He’s the greatest thing since castration.”
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Saturday June 3rd
2023.
Aphrodite In The Park
The Greek goddess Aphrodite in a park in London
The Greek goddess Aphrodite was sitting in a park in London.
She observed as the Greek god Asclepius met with the Norse trickster god Loki, a representative of evil deranged mad scientist Dr. Anthony Fauci and an envoy of Pope Francis.
The four discussed how to bring the Egyptian deities Isis, Osiris and Horus back from the dead as the three had all been bumped off earlier this week by Phoebe Sears a cryptographer and code breaker for Set Enterprises (Set Enterprises being owned by the London based ancient Egyptian vampire Set who was the arch enemy of brother Osiris, sister Isis and nephew Horus).
“Incest is never a good thing,” the blind ghost of Thebes’ Oedipus Rex commented as he walked by.
It was definitely applicable to Egyptian royal politics and intrigue especially when Egyptian royalty was elevated to godhood in a pyramid temple ceremony that prefigured contemporary Mormon Temple ceremonies by several millennia.
She watched as a Bud Lite drinking and cross-dressing Neo-Bolshevik Communist FBI agent (on a covert mission for senile old fool Joe Biden) attempted to assassinate British MP Renfield R. Renfield for his recent elimination of much of Los Angeles Dodgers’ management.
The FBI agent was blown away to kingdom come (or queendom goeth) by Renfield sporting his Sean Connery personally autographed James Bond 007 gun.
Aphrodite then watched as Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the ghost of Orson Welles stole the magical love inducing bow and arrow 🏹 from her son Cupid/Eros 💘.
They did so because they needed Cupid/Eros’ bow and arrow 🏹 💘 for an upcoming mission on behalf of the Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit.
Aphrodite watches as Dracul Van Helsing and the ghost of Orson Welles steal the magical bow and arrow from her son Cupid/Eros.
“Come here,” Aphrodite said to Dracul Van Helsing as she adjusted her skirt, “and get across my lap. You need a good spanking for doing that.”
Van Helsing did as he was told.
And Aphrodite spanked the living daylights out of Dracul’s bare bottom.
Van Helsing then made out with her when the spanking was over.
The ghost of Orson Welles grabbed the magic love 💗 inducing bow and arrow 🏹 of Cupid/Eros 💘 and got the Hell out of there.
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Saturday May 27th
2023.
Aphrodite Spanks


The Greek goddess Aphrodite
Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun 🍀 had just stolen a bottle of ambrosia on Mount Olympus.
Of course the leprechaun ☘️ was already immortal.
He just liked drinking ambrosia for the taste.
After knocking out Ganymede (male cupbearer to the gods of Olympus) with a sleeping potion and getting his friend Dracul Van Helsing to make out with Hebe (female cupbearer to the gods) to distract her, the little leprechaun 🍀 ☘️ helped himself to a bottle of ambrosia from the Mount Olympus cupboard.
As he walked by Aphrodite’s room, he saw her looking like this:
So naturally he entered.
“You little thief,” Aphrodite said to the leprechaun 🍀 ☘️ when she noticed the bottle of ambrosia in his hand.
She took Yaldabaoth over her knee and spanked him.
Yaldabaoth walked away from Mount Olympus rubbing a sore bottom and minus the bottle of ambrosia.
Hebe suddenly walked past Aphrodite’s room with an ecstatic smile on her face.
Seconds later Dracul Van Helsing walked by Aphrodite’s room with an ecstatic smile on his face.
The Greek goddess of love ❤️ quickly deduced in Sherlockian fashion what had transpired between the two.
So she grabbed Dracul Van Helsing, brought him into her room, took him over her knee and spanked him.
They then made love together.
Meanwhile in London, British MP Renfield R. Renfield remarked to the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill, “Dracul doesn’t seem to be answering his cell phone.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 20th
2023
Mistress of The Dark
Greek goddess Aphrodite filling in for vintage horror movie TV show hostess Vampira on a summer evening in Los Angeles in 1954
Vampira hosted a vintage horror movie TV show on the Los Angeles ABC TV affiliate KABC-TV from 1954 to 1955.
It was a summer evening in 1954 and Vampira had come down with laryngitis.
How was she to host her show tonight?
It was fortunate for Vampira that her drinking companion that night was the Greek goddess Aphrodite.
Aphrodite volunteered to fill in for her.
The scene now switches to a Los Angeles home where 8-year-old Henry a rather precocious boy used to go downstairs to the living room while his parents were asleep and turn on the family black and white TV on low volume and watch The Vampira Show on late night TV.
Tonight he was doing the same again.
The show’s announcer announced, “Regrettably Vampira is unable to host the show tonight…”
“Awwww…” said Henry.
“However Aphrodite is going to fill in for her and here’s Aphrodite…”
“Yay,” said Henry when he saw her.
Henry didn’t think much of the movie being shown but he did like the scenes where Aphrodite gave commentary.
Having divine sight, the goddess saw the psychopathic clown that had entered Henry’s family home and was holding a knife over Henry as the boy sat on the floor in front of the television.
She grabbed the vampire stake from inside the movie being shown and putting her hand through the TV screen in the living room staked the psychopathc clown to death.
“Wow, cool,” Henry enthused.
His mother was not so enthusiastic when she saw the mess on the living toom floor the next morning.
Henry was unable to sit down comfortably for the next week.
-A short story
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 30th
2022.
Aphrodite and The Smoking Gun
“But I thought he was immortal, I swear,” the Greek goddess Aphrodite protested to the hotel detective after she realized that she had shot and killed a mortal.
“That Thor is such a creep,” the Greek goddess Aphrodite complained to the Greek goddess Athena in the tea room of the St. James’ Court Hotel in London.
“Having such a high testosterone level, he does seem to have difficulty taking no for an answer,” Athena admitted who had once been pestered for a date with Thor until she whacked him with his own hammer Mjolnir.
Sitting next to the goddess duo was a a young nerd Dr. Sterling Rocher (who would become the father of Set Enterprises’ chief scientist in the 21st Century Dr. Cadbury Rocher).
The year was 1957.
The month May.
It would be another 6 months before the USSR would launch Sputnik.
The place London.
“Excuse me,” Dr. Sterling Rocher cleared his throat, “I couldn’t help overhearing. I’m currently working on a gun whose bullets can lessen the sex drive of a god.”
“Really?” Said Athena, “What a curious thing to be working on.”
“I’m doing it on behalf of a client,” Dr. Sterling Rocher explained.
He didn’t mention the fact that he was developing it on behalf of the Greek goddess Hera who was hoping to use it on her husband Zeus.
“I was wanting to run a test on it,” Dr. Sterling Rocher sipped his tea, “Perhaps I could give it to you to use on Thor.”
“Do you have the gun with you?” Aphrodite asked.
“I do,” Rocher handed the gun to her, “I imagine Thor if he arrives at your hotel room door will have shapeshifted into somebody else.”
That night as Athena prepared to go out to attend a concert by the London Philharmonic Orchestra, the noted singer William Bellhurst was returning to his hotel room.
Alas he went to the wrong room but his key seemed to work on opening the door.
He opened the door, went in (for the room looked identical to his own) and went and poured himself a drink.
Bellhurst went into the bedroom.
Athena entered the bedroom from the bathroom where she had been getting ready.
She saw Bellhurst and assumed it was Thor.
She pulled the Sterling Rocher gun out of her purse and fired.
Bellhurst fell dead to the floor with gaping bullet hole wounds and blood slowly oozed on to the carpet.
The hotel detective arrived in the room after hearing the gunshots.
Aphrodite stood there with gun in hand and Bellhurst lay dead on the floor behind her.
“But I thought he was immortal, I swear,” the Greek goddess Aphrodite protested to the hotel detective after she had shot and killed a mortal.
It just so happened that Eir the Norse valkyrie in charge of healing was staying in the next room.
Eir managed to use her skills to bring William Bellhurst back from the dead.
As for Thor he had currently moved on to a new conquest.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday May 11th
2022.
Aphrodite At The Sherlockian Club In London
The Greek goddess Aphrodite at The Sherlockian Club in London
Aphrodite was sitting in one of the reading rooms at an exclusive men’s club in London.
Even though only men were allowed in the club, for some reason, none of the men present in the club this night objected to her being there.
The Sherlockian Club was founded well over a century ago in the year 1912 to honour the great British consulting detective Sherlock Holmes.
Its first President was one Winston Churchill a British MP and sometimes cabinet minister.
No wearing of masks and no social distancing went on at the Sherlockian Club.
That’s because its current President was one Renfield R. Renfield a British MP and sometime cabinet minister (whenever it was a minority government situation).
However none of the Sherlockian Club members got Covid, got sick or died.
The same couldn’t be said for one nursing home in Italy where there hadn’t been any deaths the past few years but as soon as all the nursing home residents were vaccinated with the Pfizer vaccine 2 weeks ago, 8 residents had dropped dead like flies the past 2 weeks.
And there was the stupendously great baseball player and baseball home run king Hank Aaron (one who didn’t use steroids to hit his record home runs like later players did) who publicly received the vaccine for Covid two weeks ago in an effort to show all Americans that the vaccine was safe.
Now today he was dead.
No doubt Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi were offering prayers of thanks to Beelzebub that they had received the vaccine injections with the caps on.
Aphrodite was at the Sherlockian Club in London because her World Mythology and Folklore instructor at Oxford Prof. William Charles was going to read aloud a paper she wrote last year on the origins of the Demon Buffalo of Buffalo Lake.
Prof. William Charles in addition to being an Associate Professor of Mythology, Folklore, Vampirism, Lycanthropy and Paranormal Studies at Oxford University was a member of the Sherlockian Club.
As Aphrodite sat in one of the lounges of the Sherlockian Club waiting for Prof. William Charles’ speech to begin in the central dining hall
she soon found herself joined by Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
“I’m anxious to hear your paper on the Demon Buffalo of Buffalo Lake,” Dracul stated.
“Well, we’ve got an hour to kill before the lecture begins,” Aphrodite smiled, “Why don’t I give you a spanking and then we can make out?”.
“A splendid idea,” Van Helsing agreed.
30 minutes later the ghost of Orson Welles inadvertently walked into the room.
“Why does this always happen to me?” Welles’ ghost sighed once again playing the role of the ghostly voyeur.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 22nd
2021.
Allatallahbel and The Baptist Painting and Pan Goatee
Allatallahbel and The Baptist Painting and Pan Goatee
Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal and her army of 12 Vampiric Knights-Templar were in North America.
They were here to steal a previously unknown Leonardo Da Vinci painting that was in a private art collection.
The painting was of a shocking subject- Saint John the Baptist encountering the Greek goddess Aphrodite by the River Jordan.
Although the event was not mentioned in the New Testament, it was mentioned in an ancient copy of an Epistle written by Polycarp the Bishop of Smyrna that Allatallahbel found in the Vatican Archives and that had never been released or published by the Vatican.
Shortly after finding the Polycarp manuscript, Allatallahbel was eating a live parrot called Polly and a live carp (goldfish) called Goldie when she received a text message from one of her disciples – a book editor with a major New York City publishing company.
The editor was in possession of a yet to be published Dan Brown manuscript.
In the manuscript, Robert Langdon is called in to examine a previously unknown Leonardo Da Vinci painting in which Saint John the Baptist meets the Greek goddess Aphrodite by the River Jordan.
Apparently according to the Brown manuscript, the painting is in the private collection of a western Canadian rancher and cattle baron.
Brown said in the book that the incident of the meeting between the Baptist and Aphrodite is mentioned in an unpublished ancient manuscript of an Epistle of Polycarp the Bishop of Smyrna.
Allatallahbel wet her panties when she read the text message.
Then she remembered that she wasn’t wearing any panties.
She immediately took off the silver evening dress she was wearing (which now had gold coloured stains all over the front) and called for her valet Parsifal to take her dress to the nearest Chinese laundromat in Rome and get it cleaned.
She then sat there in her chair naked and contemplated the night sky from the window of her Vatican penthouse apartment.
She and the Vampiric Knights-Templar had seized control of the Vatican on October 13th of last year.
Priests entered the room to remove the parrot feathers and goldfish scales left on her plate.
They were undisturbed by the sight of Allatallahbel’s nudity as almost all the priests who worked here in the papal apartments under Pope Francis were gay.
Allatallahbel picked up her smart phone and called the book editor.
The book editor was shocked to hear that the Polycarp manuscript really did exist.
As Polly and the carp waged war in Allatallahbel’s stomach, the Vampiress Priestess of Baal mentioned that in all likelihood the Da Vinci painting existed as well.
She asked what was it in Brown’s manuscript that Robert Langdon had been asked to look for in the Da Vinci painting of the Baptist meeting Venus.
The editor replied that the painting contained clues to the whereabouts of Solomon’s hidden treasure.
Allatallahbel wet her panties again.
Then she remembered that she wasn’t wearing panties or even a dress for that matter.
She stood up and rang the bell 🛎 calling for one of the priest papal secretaries.
“Father Antonio, I think you better take this Alexander VI Rodrigo Borgia Renaissance upholstered chair down to Vatican maintenance and get it steam cleaned,” Allatallahbel directed.
“Very well, your priestlyness,” Father Antonio bowed.
Allatallahbel pulled up an old 1930s handcrafted arm chair for Benito Mussolini and sat down.
“I hope this doesn’t give me splinters,” Allatallahbel thought to herself as she sat down, “My buttocks are very sensitive.”
She asked the book editor to check into the whereabouts of this rancher’s private art collection and see if it actually existed.
This past May 17th, Allatallahbel got a call from the editor.
The Da Vinci painting formally entitled The Baptist Meets Venus did exist, the Western Canadian rancher existed as did his private art collection which contained the painting.
Allatallahbel wet her panties again on hearing this news but fortunately she was wearing panties this time.
A quick blow with her hair dryer should remove the wet stain on the front of her scarlet coloured evening dress that she’d be wearing while holding the gold plated and diamond and ruby and gem studded Renaissance Medici Communion chalice at Mass this evening.
. . .
Baphomet as he picked his nose at the King David Hotel in Jerusalem was quite pleased to hear that Allatallahbel had managed to track down the location of the Da Vinci Baptist Meets Venus painting.
Soon he’d learn the location of Solomon’s hidden treasure.
He ate some goat’s cheese as he stroked his large female breasts and fondled his male phallus.
. . .
Allatallahbel and the 12 Knights-Templar were in the largest city closest to the cattle rancher’s cattle ranch.
Apparently the rancher kept his private art collection not at his ranch house (where the cow hands were always setting fire 🔥 to the place as they drank whiskey and beer and toasted marshmallows and ate pork and beans and broke wind as they could not keep quiet 🤫 their gastronomic symphony) but in his maternal grandmother’s small inconspicuous looking house in the city.
Allatallahbel had gone to see the Vatican’s resident astrologer, spiritist medium and seer Cassandra Sibylline to get her horoscope done and find out what would be the most opportune date for her to steal the painting.
According to Cassandra Sibylline, the best date astrologically speaking was June 26th of this year – 5 days after the summer solstice and 2 days after the Feast of the Nativity of Saint John the Baptist (which was also International Fairy Day because it was also the Nativity of Puck Robin Goodfellow).
The seer and astrologer told Allatallahbel to have 13 people in the party of thieves.
That was no problem said the Vampiress Priestess of Baal.
She’d take all 12 of her Vampiric Knights-Templar with her.
She should also bring along half a goat as well said the seer-astrologer.
“Half a goat?” Allatallahbel was shocked.
Cassandra Sibylline nodded yes.
At first Allatallahbel was going to raid a nearby goat farm and cut up half a goat 🐐 to take along on the thieving expedition.
But then she had heard about the DARPA contract assassin and satyr serial killer Pan Goatee who was a genetically created satyr half-man and half-goat.
She’d bring him along on the mission.
Coincidentally Pan Goatee had recently assassinated the cattle rancher (who owned the Da Vinci painting) on orders of DARPA and the U.S. government.
So he was ideal.
Pan Goatee was to be picked up at his hotel while waiting for the thieving 13 to arrive.
Pan decided to take in the city’s transit system.
Big mistake.
He waited 45 minutes for his bus to arrive.
When they showed up, it was a student driver with two transit trainer officers with him.
Pan promptly beheaded all 3 carving the letter F into the student driver’s forehead.
A transit driver off work and sitting at the back then took over driving the bus.
At the next stop a whole bunch of people including an ugly looking woman got on.
Pan promptly beheaded the ugly looking woman and got off the bus.
He decided to go to McDonald’s and have a Big Mac.
He was then almost run over by an ugly looking girl riding a bike.
Pan Goatee promptly beheaded the girl and cut her up into tiny little pieces.
He then threw the bike into a trash bin and using nanites to pick up the small pieces of the ugly girl, he directed the grey goo spewing nanobots (that Prince Charles had once warned the world about in a speech years ago) to enter a pizza 🍕 take out and delivery place in the nearby mall and to deposit the pieces on the Vegan Vegetarian Pizza 🍕 Special of the day.
Pan Goatee then walked across the street to catch another bus.
There was a fat ugly blimp standing at the bus stop likewise waiting for a bus.
Pan Goatee promptly beheaded her saying, “Why can’t you fat ugly cows stay in the barn where you belong? Your milk is probably full of botulism causing bacteria anyways.”
Goatee then caught a bus on the other side of the street.
Returning to his hotel, he went into the hotel bar to have a drink only to discover that the bartender was an ugly looking woman.
He promptly beheaded her and put the head on top of a Harley-Davidson parked outside.
Finally Allatallahbel and her Knights-Templar arrived.
They immediately drove the van to the rancher’s grandmother’s house to pick up the painting.
After waterboarding the rancher’s grandmother in the basement, the elderly woman finally told Allatallahbel where the painting was located.
They then walked outside where they discovered the van had been stolen by one of the city’s numerous auto theft gangs.
They were forced to catch a transit bus.
However when an ugly looking woman got on the bus and Pan Goatee beheaded her, the bus driver kicked the whole lot of them off the bus.
They were then forced to wait for the next bus.
Allatallahbel was worried about getting to the airport on time to catch the plane ✈️.
As the next bus pulled up, a man in a wheelchair attempted to get off.
Because he was taking so long to get off the bus, Allatallahbel who was busy looking at the Rolex on her wrist immediately grabbed Pan Goatee’s astral laser machete and cut the man up into tiny pieces.
The bus driver who was also running behind schedule allowed the band of thieves to get on the bus.
When an ugly looking school girl attempted to get off at the back of the bus, Pan Goatee likewise beheaded her.
“You’ve got to start when they’re young as the teachers in the Jesuit order always used to say,” Pan Goatee smiled a knowing smile to Allatallahbel.
Just then, Pan Goatee got a text message on his smart phone from Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA that orders had come down from the very top of the U.S. government for the satyr contract assassin to assassinate the entire Board of Directors of Harley Davidson.
“Duty calls,” Goatee again smiled at Allatallahbel and then dialled the number cancelling his hotel room for the night and booking a plane flight to Milwaukee Wisconsin.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 26th
2018.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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