Athelstan The Valet Listens To Portions of Renfield’s Podcast
The Greek goddess Hera listens to British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s Thursday night podcast.
She was horrified by the possibility that Russian President Vladimir Putin might launch a nuclear attack on the West.
Renfield seemed to have insider information from Russia as well as knowing the contents of the Third Secret of Fatima (whose text the Vatican claimed to have released back in 2000 but they lied. They only released a vision associated with the secret not the secret itself).
Hera decided she must do something.
She didn’t want to see the destruction of planet Earth.
She got in touch with the Byzantine vampiress Theodora who in her mortal life had been the Byzantine Empress Theodora the wife of the Byzantine Emperor Justinian I.
Theodora had been turned into a vampiress on June 28th 548 AD by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.
Otherwise Theodora would have died from cancer.
“Hello,” Theodora picked up her phone at her estate in Athens, Greece.
. . .
Senile old fool Joe Biden was not listening to Renfield’s Thursday night podcast.
He was sniffing the needles on his marijuana smoking cactus planet which inhaled marijuana cigarettes and then exhaled marijuana smoke.
Biden believed the cactus needles were the hair of The Woman In Green.
The Woman In Green was the name of a 1945 Universal Pictures Sherlock Holmes film with Basil Rathbone as Holmes and Nigel Bruce as Dr. Watson that he watched on late night television last night.
“Mr. President,” one of his aides entered the Oval Office.
“Ow,” Joe pricked his nose on a cactus needle, “What is it?”.
“The wealthy residents of Martha’s Vineyard are once again complaining about immigrants being sent there,” his aide said.
“Who’s sending immigrants this time?” Biden wiped his nose with a used diaper, “Ron DeSantis or Greg Abbot?”.
“Greg Abbott the Governor of Texas,” his aide answered, “But this recent batch of immigrants are different. These are zombie 15th Century Aztec warriors recently raised from the dead in Mexico by a South African witch doctor at the behest of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec who’s the goddaughter of the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl (whom Utah Sen. Mitt Romney being Mormon thinks is the person of Jesus Christ when he visited the Americas according to Mormon teaching).”
“Why did Qonzilqointec send these zombie 15th Century Aztec warriors across the Mexico-U.S. border anyways?” Biden asked. “And does this Qonzilqointec have nice hair? Is it worth sniffing?”.
“Qonzilqointec is very beautiful, she does have nice hair and it probably is worth sniffing,” his aide explained.
“This new King Charles III of England was quite cranky when I sniffed the flowers on his mother’s coffin quite intently as the cameras looked away,” Biden recalled, “He asked me what the Hell I was doing? It was quite sad that it was a closed casket funeral. I quite enjoyed sniffing Her Majesty’s hair when she was alive. I wonder if…”
“Mr. President, to answer your 1st question,” his aide interjected, “The reason Qonzilqointec sent these living dead Aztec warriors across the border was to re-annex parts of the U.S. to a revived Aztec Empire.”
“But I don’t think Martha’s Vineyard in Massachusetts was ever part of the Aztec Empire,” Joe Biden reflected.
“It is now,” another aide entered the room.
. . .
Athelstan the butler and valet to the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was doing his daily housecleaning duties around the Set Estate mansion.
British MP Renfield R. Renfield (who lived in the mansion) was doing his Thursday night podcast from his bedroom.
Athelstan occasionally listened in before going on to his next cleaning job.
As he passed the room, he heard Renfield say, “They are a bunch of Belgian waffles who have fruits all over them…”
“Is Renfield talking about breakfast?” Athelstan asked Amadeus Emanon as he walked by.
“No,” Athelstan shook his head, “I think he’s talking about the Belgian Conference of (supposedly) Catholic Bishops who have voted to approve blessing gay unions.”
Athelstan dusted Set’s statue of Napoleon.
He walked by Renfield’s room where he heard Renfield say, “The Vatican is a Communist craphole…”
When he finished dusting Set’s nude statue of Pauline Borghese as Venus Victrix, he passed Renfield’s room again where Renfield asked, “What does Joe Biden have in common with the Vatican?”.
When he had finished dusting the statue of Queen Cleopatra, again he passed Renfield’s room where Renfield said, “Meanwhile in other news, U.S. Vice-President Kamala Harris is bitching that a group of zombie 15th Century Aztec warriors have taken over her house…”
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Thursday September 22nd
2022.
Xi In Kazakhstan
The Greek goddess Hera was in Astana Kazakhstan today.
As was Pope Francis and Communist China’s supreme despot Xi Jinping.
Hera was visiting Astana today because she had heard that Zeus would be attending the Kazakhstani 7th InterFaith Congress.
Zeus was most definitely in Astana (the Kazakh capital currently suffers under the revolting name Nur-Sultan named after a Kazakhstani politician and former President Nursultan Nazarbayev).
(Editor’s Note from Renfield R. Renfield: Due to the efforts of a Calgary based geopolitical analyst and blogger who has been pointing out in his blog posts the past few days that the name Astana reflects good taste while the name Nur-Sultan reflects bad taste , the government of Kazakhstan announced earlier today that it would be changing the Kazakh capital’s name back to Astana).
Zeus was here to chase a beautiful Jordanian princess (a distant cousin of Jordan’s King Abdullah II) who was here in Astana attending the InterFaith Congress on behalf of the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan.
After cornering the Jordanian princess and asking her to come back to his palace on Mount Olympus where Zeus told her, “I’ll show you the way I ride my bulls”, the Jordanian princess shouted “Revenge for Ixion!” and kicked Zeus in the groin with her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.
As Zeus lay on the ground groaning over his groin, Hera came by and hit Zeus over the head with the world’s largest watermelon that had been sent to the InterFaith Congress as a gift from former U.S. President Barack Obama.
Zeus now lay unconscious in a pool of Neo-Bolshevik red coloured juice while the ghost of Josef Stalin and the vampire Lev Tomi (who in his mortal life had been Leon Trotsky) sang that old Platters hit song “Oh yes I’m the Great Pretender…”
And speaking of pretenders and imposters, Jorge Mario Bergoglio (aka Pope Francis) had to google Who Was Jesus Christ? prior to giving a speech because the so-called Holy Father had forgotten who He was.
And also in Astana Kazakhstan on this day was Communist China’s paramount leader and all round despotic tyrant Xi Jinping.
Xi’s visit to Astana Kazakhstan on this day was his first trip outside Communist China ever since he had released bat virus from the Wuhan Institute of Virology and had begun the plandemic.
“Unholy bat virus, Batman,” a talking robin spoke as he flew down on top of Xi’s hair and crapped all over him.
An immediate search was underway to find some PH Unbalanced Shampoo to shampoo the robin crap out of Xi’s hair.
A bottle was found in The Homicidal Sasquatch Pub in downtown Astana.
Sitting in the pub was the great Irish-Jewish American science-fiction writer George Finneganburg who was talking to the Russian made cyborg sex robot Sophia.
Sophia had been invented by the former East German Stasi scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen (who now worked for the Russian FSB).
The cyborg sex robot Sophia had made out with Dracul Van Helsing on a roundtable in the Kazakh Palace of Religion in Astana in 2013.
An incident that was recorded in a geopolitical analyst’s blog post back in 2013 (although at that time the geopolitical analyst lived in Vancouver and not Calgary).
“You mean to say,” George Finneganburg quickly downed his beer, “that Dracul Van Helsing came up with a cyborg sex robot before I did? How the Hell am I going to break the news to Akira?”.
Once the robin crap had been washed out of Xi’s hair, he then met with Kazakh government officials.
After his Astana visit, Xi would be flying to the Russian capital of Moscow for a Kremlin summit meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin in order to discuss the war in Ukraine.
As such, Xi had brought along his Supernatural spirit advisor the Black Dragon to Astana and the winged demon serpent covered in charcoal black would also be accompanying Xi to Moscow.
There the Black Dragon would be meeting with Putin’s supernatural advisor “Saint Michael the Archangel” (who was not really Saint Michael the Archangel but was really the demon Moloch posing as the Archangel Michael in an effort to fool the megalomaniacal would-be Deutero-Czar Peter the Great aka Putin).
Kwan Yin the immortal princess (venerated as the Goddess of Mercy in some sects of Buddhism) and her descendant the South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan were keeping tags on Xi in Astana and would be following him to Moscow for his meeting with Putin.
Xi was now attending a state banquet in his honour with Kazakh government leaders in Astana.
Before Xi sat down at the banquet table, a small robotic Paddington Bear (called Paddy O’ Marmalade), who had been invented by Set Enterprises’ scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague, put a combination of honey, marmalade and Crazy Glue down on Xi’s chair.
When Xi sat down, he got hopelessly stuck and couldn’t get up again.
As members of the Kazakh honour guard struggled to get Xi free from the chair that his pants were hopelessly glued to, the Paddington Bear robot named Paddy O’ Marmalade came and threw a Peking Duck and Thousand Year Old Egg laced cream pie in his face.
The cream pie had been specially prepared and baked by Harvey Tallbanger the 6 foot 8 tall invisible Welsh pooka bunny rabbit who worked as a secret agent for Set Enterprises.
Between his butt stuck to the chair and his face covered in Peking Duck and Thousand Year Old Egg cream pie, Xi did not really look like a great leader.
It was at that moment that the ghost of Winston Churchill (representing the British government) presented Xi with a Winnie the Pooh t-shirt.
Of course Xi could not put it on because of his current predicament.
Just then a holographic image of British MP Renfield R. Renfield appeared and started to sing to the tune of the Beatles song Hey Jude:
“Hey Xi, don’t ask me why
Take a sad song and make it badder
Remember vaccines get under your skin
Changing your DNA
Until you become Transhuman, human, human, human, human,…”
Renfield was broadcasting from the living room of the Set Estate mansion in London, England.
In the background could be heard the sound of Amadeus Emanon opening the door to pick up the Chinese Food delivery they had ordered from a Chinese restaurant.
“Hey Amadeus,” Renfield piped up, “Ask the delivery guy how do you say “Xi Jinping, you are a total loser” in Chinese?”.
Amadeus asked.
And the Chinese Food delivery guy answered adding and ad libbing a few nasty pejoratives of his own.
Renfield spoke in perfect Mandarin (with some Cantonese thrown in for good measure) telling Xi that he was a total loser and throwing in the delivery guy’s added ad libbed nasty pejoratives of his own.
Xi was livid with rage although you couldn’t tell because his face was covered in Peking Duck and Thousand Year Old Egg cream pie while his bottom was still being pulled away from the butt locking combination of honey, marmalade and Crazy Glue on his chair.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday September 14th
2022.
Greek Goddess Hera and Samhain Cardinal Salaman
The Greek goddess Hera was modelling at a fashion show in Rome, Italy
Bothered by the infidelity of her chronically unfaithful husband the Greek god Zeus, Hera was trying to gain some self confidence by modelling among the most beautiful women in the world at a fashion show in Rome.
Among the guests who would be attending the fashion show was Samhain Cardinal Salaman.
Cardinal Salaman was one of the few heterosexual Cardinals to work in Pope Francis’ Vatican which had been described by one commentator as “one vast uncloseted closet of gays”.
The Grindr hook-up app was the most downloaded app in the Vatican today.
Pope Alexander VI (aka Rodrigo Borgia) was turning over in his rotating barbeque spit down in Tartarus over the news that his Vatican of intense heterosexual lust and orgies had become a Vatican of intense homosexual lust and orgies under Pope Francis.
Samhain Cardinal Salaman was anxious to see real women for a change rather than the fairy queens who paraded up and down the halls of the contemporary Vatican.
Although according to members of Joe Biden’s cabinet and the brainless mainstream media there was no such being as a real woman anymore.
Samhain Cardinal Salaman was impressed by Hera’s performance on the catwalk in this early September Roman fashion show.
After the show was over, he went backstage to the dressing rooms to talk to the Olympian goddess.
“Excuse me but aren’t you the Greek goddess Hera?” Samhain Cardinal Salaman asked her.
Hera the beautiful goddess (often left alone by the “always searching for a new pussy” Zeus) turned to look at him.
“I am,” she answered, “Aren’t you Samhain Cardinal Salaman the only heterosexual Cardinal who works full time at the Vatican?”.
Later that evening the Cardinal and the goddess had dinner and wine together in an exclusive Rome restaurant.
“So how did you recognize me?” Hera asked the Cardinal.
“From your busts, statues and portraits that are kept in the lower floors of the Vatican,” Samhain answered, “At one time they were on the main floor of the Vatican but after Jorge Mario Bergoglio was elected Pope, all those works of art were moved downstairs and replaced by all the busts, naked statues and nude portraits of the ancient Greek gods. No goddesses allowed.”
“It’s a wonder why Francis has not commissioned new works of art for the Vatican that are inclined towards his tastes,” Hera licked a pair of olives from her martini.
“Well it was tried once with a notorious Australian male model named Uncle Ernie (who had posed for Salvador Dali back in the 1950s). Uncle Ernie served as the model for a nude Goliath. However after the world’s first microscope, invented by Dutch father and son team Hans and Zacharias Janssen in 1590 and kept in the Vatican Archives, was broken after the papal investigation team tried to locate something that was apparently far far less than gargantuan on Uncle Ernie posing as Goliath’s statue, a new work of art was never commissioned again,” Cardinal Salaman explained.
“Interesting,” Hera swallowed the olives.
They got around to discussing the recently failed Artemis 1 moon rocket launches.
“I’ve been told they failed because Artemis is furious that Joe Biden apparently killed at least two of her sacred deer on a deer hunting expedition last fall,” Cardinal Salaman ate his spaghetti.
“That is true,” Hera nodded, “Originally Artemis just thought that one of her sacred deer was slain. So senile old fool Joe sacrificed a daughter from an extra marital affair to Artemis last Thursday in Philadelphia. Just before Joe gave his Hitlerian Fuhrer like speech (with Nazi flag colours in the background behind him) in Philadelphia in which he threatened to send the military after half of the electorate in the country. ”
“Yes, I heard that Joe did such a good job at impersonating a Hitler under the influence of alcohol and an Henry VIII style over indulgence in roast beef (the original Fuhrer was both a teetotaler and a vegetarian) that apparently an independent film producer is thinking of making a film in which both Joe Biden and Justin Trudeau will have the lead starring roles,” Cardinal Salaman noted, “The movie will be about Adolf Hitler meeting Jesse Owens at the 1936 Summer Olympics.”
“Yes, I heard that too,” Hera smiled.
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Monday September 5th
2022.
Scavenger Hunt On The Amalfi Coast
The ghost of Orson Welles was sitting in an arm chair in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion and reflecting on a yacht trip he had made to Italy’s Amalfi Coast in 1953.
The Amalfi Coast is a stretch of coastline on the Tyrrhenian Sea located in the Gulf of Salerno in Southern Italy.
Welles recalled he wasn’t quite sure how he got to the Amalfi Coast.
The last thing he remembered was being on Spain’s Meditteranean coast and imbibing in several glasses of red wine.
The next thing Welles remembered was waking up on a yacht off the Amalfi Coast.
The yacht belonged to an Arab sheikh.
Welles got off the yacht not far from the town of Ravello.
He wandered around the town and ran into an acquaintance fellow actor Humphrey Bogart.
Bogart was in the town along with actresses Jennifer Jones and Gina Lollobrigida and actors Robert Morley, Peter Lorre and Bernard Lee.
They were shooting the 1953 adventure comedy film Beat The Devil.
Bogey teased Welles as they sat in a small outdoor cafe.
“Well, Orson, this film is obviously about beating you,” Bogey smiled, “You’re usually playing a villain in most of your films whether it’s a megalomaniacal newspaper publisher, an ex-Nazi on the verge of becoming a U.S. Supreme Court justice’s son-in-law, a post-war black marketeer on the streets of Vienna or a Renaissance Borgia prince. Your characters are usually human devils of some form or another. Thus as the film title suggests Beat The Devil is about beating you.”
Welles wasn’t about to take this insult lying down.
He answered, “I did play a heroic role in the 1947 film The Lady From Shanghai where my soon-to-be ex-wife played the villainess. Besides in many of your film roles in the 1930s, you often played gangster or mean tough guy roles.”
“Yes but later I played great heroic roles like Rick in Casablanca and Philip Marlowe in The Big Sleep so I was quite the heroic hero whereas you were usually the villainous villain,” Bogey laughed.
“Well, pick a game,” Welles challenged, “I bet I can beat you at it. And then we’ll see who’s the Devil.”
At that moment Gina Lollobrigida approached.
Bogey told her about Welles’ challenge.
The Italian actress suggested an old fashioned scavenger hunt.
Welles and Bogey agreed.
Gina said she would pick what was to be located and found.
She gave the same list to each actor.
Both Welles and Bogey set out on the scavenger hunt.
Welles had spent the entire morning searching.
And he had located what was to be located on Gina’s scavenger list.
Now it was early afternoon and Welles came to the final item on the list.
“What?!” Welles exclaimed, “Find the Greek goddess Hera sitting on a piece of driftwood on the beach? How is that even possible?”.
Still Welles headed down to the beach.
Where he noticed a beautiful woman who looked like a goddess sitting on a piece of driftwood on the beach.
“Excuse me,” Welles addressed the woman, “but you aren’t the Greek goddess Hera by any chance?”.
“I am, Mr. Welles,” the goddess answered, “I’m a big fan of yours so I came down from Mount Olympus to help you beat Bogey.”
Welles took Hera to the cafe where sat Gina and Bogey.
Bogey was looking dejected as he had been unable to find the goddess Hera sitting on a piece of driftwood on the beach.
When Welles introduced the woman as Hera and swore on a King James Bible that he had found her sitting on a piece of driftwood on the beach, Bogey objected, “I believe that you did find her sitting on a piece of driftwood on the beach but how do we know this woman is really Hera?”.
Hera then called on the gods Zeus and Hermes to appear.
When they did so appearing out of thin air, Bogey conceded defeat while Gina looked very surprised.
Angered by his scavenger hunt loss, Bogey went for a car ride where he got into an accident losing several of his teeth.
As a result while adjusting to the loss of his teeth, Bogey was unable to speak clearly and therefore actor Peter Sellers (who was not then well known at the time but had a talent for imitating voices) was hired to dub some of Bogey’s lines speaking like Bogey.
Some of the lines had to be re-dubbed because Sellers instead of speaking like Bogey spoke like Indian actor Hrundi V. Bakshi whom Sellers would later play in the 1968 movie The Party.
And thus that was how through the help of the Greek goddess Hera, Welles was able to beat Bogey at a scavenger hunt.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 10th
2021.
Hera and The Gangsters
The Greek goddess Hera starring in a 1930s Broadway play about gangsters
It was the decade of the 1930s.
And the Greek goddess Hera was honing her theatrical skills by starring in a Broadway play about gangsters.
It was dress rehearsal night – the evening before the official opening.
Hera was awaiting the arrival of the gangster boss Big Frank Malone.
A man came on stage wearing a fedora hat and gangster suit and carrying a big violin case.
Hera, speaking out of character, said, “You don’t look like John Barrymore to me.”
“I’m afraid John is a bit under the weather tonight,” the understudy replacement for John Barrymore replied.
“How many bottles did he have to drink today?” Hera asked.
“You know the real Barrymore obviously,” Dracul Van Helsing, who had time travelled from the future and was now playing the role of Big Frank Malone in this play about gangsters, replied.
“That’s funny,” the ghost of Orson Welles, who had likewise time travelled from the future, remarked as he sat in the front row, “I don’t ever recall John Barrymore starring in a play about gangsters.”
“He possibly drank before each performance and never made it to the stage,” Van Helsing noted.
“By Jove, I think you’re right,” Welles agreed.
“Please, don’t use one of my husband’s Roman names,” Hera stood up.
“I forgot,” Welles bowed, “I do apologize.”
Hera approached Van Helsing, “Well, Dracul, since you’ve come from the future to step in for the great John Barrymore, perhaps we can do an improvisational performance tonight.”
“And what improvisational performance did you have in mind?” Van Helsing inquired.
“How about making out here on the stage?” Hera smiled.
And Hera and Van Helsing did just that.
“Not again,” Welles’ ghost buried his ghostly head in his ghostly hands.
As Hera and Van Helsing made out, soon thunder and lightning flashed around the stage.
“And furthermore, I just would happen to be in the very theatre on the night the Greek god Zeus decided to attend a Broadway play,” Welles’ ghost sighed.
The next day a hangover stricken John Barrymore was asked what happened to the theatre as it lay in ruins.
“Well, I know people are once again going to say this was a hallucination brought on by too much drink on my part,” Barrymore commented, “but it was an angry and cuckholded Greek god Zeus who destroyed this theatre because his wife the Olympian queen Hera was making out with a mortal.”
The members of the New York press laughed and shook their heads.
And that was the reason history has no record of John Barrymore starring in a Broadway play about gangsters.
The ghost of radio announcer Paul Harvey appeared in front of the lightning produced charred ashes of the theatre and gave his usual radio show sign-off, “And now you know the rest of the story.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 1st
2021.
Harvey Tallbanger Knocks Out Zeus With A Lightning Bolt
Harvey Tallbanger Knocks Out Zeus With A Lightning Bolt
The gypsy Esmeralda had just finished a dance and was sitting in a corner of Quasimodo’s Cafe in Paris.
Suddenly she was approached by the Greek god Zeus.
“Howdy,” said Zeus who had been sitting up at the bar and shooting the breeze with a Texas oilman, “How would you like to see my Olympian sized Greek sausage?”.
The deity started to raise his Greek toga.
“Be a gentleman,” said the 6 foot 8 tall invisible Welsh pooka bunny rabbit secret agent Harvey Tallbanger who hit Zeus over the head with one of his own lightning bolts that he had left behind in an Adidas bag full of lightning bolts next to his stool.
As Zeus hit the floor, he moaned, “That’s the first time in history I’ve been hit by one of my own lightning bolts. And by a bunny rabbit at that.”
“By a very tall bunny rabbit though,” Esmeralda said as she sipped a Harvey Wallbanger allowing her to see the usually invisible (to mortals) bunny rabbit.
“I’ll be the laughing stock of the Vegreville summit,” Zeus sighed, “Vegreville being to the gods and goddesses of the world’s nations – the Greeks, the Norse, the Egyptian, the Celtic, the Phoenician, Babylonian etc. what the Davos summit is to mortal men and women.”
“You gods and goddesses meet yearly in the city of Vegreville, Alberta, Canada?” Harvey Tallbanger was shocked, “In the name of God, why?”.
“I hear Vegreville has the world’s tallest Easter egg,” Esmeralda pointed out.
“Well it wasn’t me who laid it,” Harvey the rabbit said in his own defense.
“It may have been me,” Zeus remarked before succumbing to unconsciousness as a result of being hit by one of his own lightning bolts.
. . .
The Greek goddess Hera
“I have the feeling my husband Zeus is once again up to no good,” the Greek goddess Hera remarked to private eye Carson Cody Albion.
Years before, Hera had hired Albion to spy on her horny husband and now she was doing so again.
“What makes you think so?” Albion lit himself a cigarette.
“Well,” Hera got up from her chair, turned around and looked at Albion:
“We were at the 75th Anniversary celebrations of D-Day on Juno Beach last Thursday,” Hera explained and smoothed the top of the chair, “Juno Beach was named after me, you understand? Or at least the Roman side of my persona. Donald Trump had just signed his name at the top of the 75th Anniversary D-Day proclamation whereas every other world leader present had signed their name at the bottom when Zeus told me, he had to get back to Paris for some reason and he wasn’t talking about the long dead Trojan who had slain Achilles with an arrow to the foot.”
“You suspect he’s got something going on in Paris?” Albion closed his notebook and put it in his pocket.
“I do,” said the goddess as she fanned herself.
Albion marvelled at how in the past 2 minutes, Hera was able to make clothing changes even faster than Japanese pop music superstar Moritaka Chisato.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 9th
2019.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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