Pan Goatee’s Bowel Movement and Lobster Flambé

July 16, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Bowel Movement and Lobster Flambé

Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee hurriedly walked into the restaurant not to have something to eat but to have a bowel movement.

He was in desperate need of a bowel movement.

A bowel movement no doubt brought on by the dozen plates of curried goats’ legs he had ordered and eaten at Dr. Hannibal Lecter’s Curried Goats’ Legs For Satyrs Concession Stand in the park.

He hurriedly walked into the men’s washroom of the restaurant.

“Oh shit!” Goatee exclaimed.

But he was unable to do that.

For the sole cubicle in the washroom was occupied.

Pan Goatee did the Hyperion Tomatoed Bottom Dance with both his legs as he waited for the asshole in the cubicle to hurry up and have his bowel movement.

But the asshole in the washroom cubicle was taking his sweet smelly time.

Goatee could wait no longer.

He ran outside the washroom.

He noticed a long line up by the pop machine as customers were complaining as the woman at the front of the line was taking her sweet time filling up all 24 large cups she had with her.

“Someone should really do something,” an elderly man cried as he keeled over from heat exhaustion and thirst on this sizzling hot summer day.

“It’s all right, folks,” Pan Goatee went to the front of the line and beheaded the woman with his astral laser machete.

He then ran back to the men’s washroom.

“Oh shit!” Pan Goatee exclaimed again.

The asshole was still in there.

“How many bowel movements can one total asshole have?” Goatee complained and went out again and sat on a seat crossing his legs waiting for the asshole to finally emerge.

After what seemed like an eternity (and Pope Francis says there’s no such thing as Hell), the asshole finally emerged.

Goatee noticed no one else had gone into the washroom and stood up to hurry in.

Suddenly a fat ugly blimp at that moment came out of the women’s washroom and waddled down the small passageway between the dining area and the washrooms immediately visually assaulting Pan Goatee’s eyesight and profound sense of aesthetics.

“Aww, shit!” Pan Goatee exclaimed as he beheaded the fat ugly blimp.

And proceeded to do just that.

He pulled down the Bermuda shorts he was wearing and shit all over the blimp’s decapitated head and headless body.

He then jumped through the restaurant window breaking it and chased down the asshole who had taken so long in the cubicle of the men’s washroom.

“You asshole,” Goatee shouted at the man, “thanks to you taking so long to have a fucking bowel movement, my eyes were forced to endure the sight of a fat ugly blimp exiting the women’s washroom. You inconsiderate low class proletarian slob! Other people have to have bowel movements too you know.”

Goatee immediately decapitated the man and proceeded to cut him up into a million pieces.

Goatee could feel more of Hannibal Lecter’s curried goats’ legs for satyrs coming out so he once again pulled down his Bermuda shorts and shit all over the inconsiderate asshole’s remains.

“I’ll have a lamb burger please,” a man at the restaurant drive-through spoke into the intercom as a copy of Thomas Harris’ novel The Silence of The Lambs lay on the car seat alongside him.

. . .

Two men were meeting in Helsinki, Finland 🇫🇮.

One was a partially bald headed man with the intense glare of a Siberian wolf to quote a great poet.

The other was a man wearing a toupee that was the colour of fur of a Welsh corgi to quote the same great poet.

The Welsh corgi coloured hair man was down on his knees in a doggy position as the partially bald headed man with the Siberian wolf stare sodomized him in his naked rear end.

“Thanks for the memories,” said the man in the lower position, “I hope you won’t be offended if I don’t tweet about this.”

“Nyet,” replied the man in the upper position.

. . .

Finnish President Sauli Niinisto was informed by the head of his country’s security services that a lobster dressed in a Japanese ninja mask and whose lobster claws contained a lethal dose of the most deadly of scorpion poisons had been intercepted at Finnish Customs in Helsinki in the possession of two British citizens.

. . .

“How was I to know that a Japanese-Finnish lobster trade war was currently underway?” British MP Renfield R. Renfield complained to his friend Amadeus Emanon as his plan to bump off two men in Helsinki was nipped in the bud thanks to the vigilance of Finnish Customs.

The two London private eyes that Renfield had hired and the Dr. Cadbury Rocher genetically created Japanese Ninja lobster assassin Shinigami were currently being held in custody in Helsinki awaiting the payment of the equivalent of the 6000% tariffs that Finland 🇫🇮 had applied to Japanese lobsters in the heated trade war between the two nations over the Maritime product.

. . .

Hades the Greek god of the underworld was sitting in his lavishly decorated banquet hall in Earth’s lower regions enjoying a lobster Flambé of Japanese lobsters.

He was celebrating the departure of the spirit of Julius Caesar from Purgatory (that he had granted without papal dispensation from Pope Francis).

Great Caesar’s ghost had been giving the Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte’s ghost Latin lessons while Napoleon in turn had been giving Caesar French lessons.

The long drawn out lessons had bored Hades’ 3-headed dog Cerberus to sleep allowing several souls to escape from the underworld.

Finally Hades decided to let Caesar’s ghost wander up on the earth’s surface for awhile.

Caesar’s ghost decided to enter a marble statue of himself located inside a Rome museum of antiquities.

After entering the statue, the first thing Caesar thought he would do is have a drink as he had not had a drink in over 2000 years.

It was then that Caesar discovered that he had chosen the wrong statue of himself to enter.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 16th

Permalink 19 Comments