Hades Emergency Meeting

July 29, 2019 at 10:52 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Hades Emergency Meeting

“Ugly looking female teen stoat/ human hybrids grow up to be ugly looking adult female stoat/human hybrids,” Pan Goatee remarked as he beheaded the ugly looking female stoat/human hybrid as she was riding a bicycle down the street.

Meanwhile down in the Underworld, the Greek god Hades (who was known as Pluto to the ancient Romans) was holding an emergency meeting with his advisors on the huge number of repulsive looking spirits that were showing up daily from Calgary to cross the River Styx over to the Underworld.

Said a phlegmatic Phlegyas (who was extra phlegmatic this morning because he had eaten a full English breakfast as opposed to his usual continental breakfast), “We’re having to have orangutans wearing special darkened glass visors (whereby they see the shades of the dead as mere shades) hand out paper bags at the ferry docks for Charon’s boat to any Caucasian female soul arriving from Calgary on the high probability that they’re quite repulsively ugly. They are instructed to put the paper bags over their heads for the crossing across the river Styx. This is to prevent the occurrence of unstoppable vomiting on the part of both Charon the ferryman and Cerberus the 3-headed dog (all of whose 3 heads immediately start vomiting simultaneously) upon seeing the said hideous spirits.”

“Hopefully this will put an end to the problem,” said Hades.

“Until Pan Goatee manages to find the sinister Nazi criminal network responsible for breeding a certain type of brainless male with female walruses, stoats and gargoyles that’s producing these hideous looking hybrids by the thousands in that poor city,” Phlegyas coughed up more phlegm.

Meanwhile on the Caribbean Island of Little Saint James (owned by Jeffrey Epstein), the Caribbean Sea kraken Uhluhtc (666 meters tall) was strolling across the island accompanied by a Haitian voodoo high priest Samedi.

Uhluhtc stood on one spot and grunted.

Samedi waved to one of the island employees who no doubt lived on the nearby island of Saint Thomas.

Samedi spoke to the island employee, “The Great Kraken says that while he lived in the depths of the Caribbean, he had a vision of a great Temple that stood on this spot. The Temple was guarded by two small statues of owl wearing goddesses. He wonders what happened to this Temple.”

“It was torn down a while ago,” the employee answered.

Uhluhtc once again grunted.

“What did he say?” The employee inquired.

“He said merde,” Samedi answered.

Meanwhile in New York City, Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol was sitting in his hotel room where he was receiving information about much bizarre occurrences occurring across the world the past few days.

The Celtic stag god Cernunnos had been spotted on a Florida golf course this past weekend drinking a bottle of Dalmore Port Wood Reserve single malt whisky and slaying a bunch of country club Republicans on the golf course with his bow and arrow.

Meanwhile in Vienna, the infernal Underworld centaur Acheronus had been seen killing diplomats with his bow and arrow at various hotels across the city.

In Canada, reports of the ghost of Albert Johnson (the man they called The Mad Trapper of Rat River) had been seen at various locales in Canada.

Johnson (who had killed 3 people) had eluded the Royal Canadian Mounted Police for more than a month in a massive manhunt that stretched across the Northwest Territories and the Yukon Territory in northern Canada.

Johnson was killed on the Eagle River in Yukon on February 17th 1932.

Johnson’s ghost had been spotted in northern British Columbia, northern Saskatchewan and northern Manitoba.

After talking with a psychic friend of his, Whitstable was told that Johnson’s ghost was headed for the town of Lucan Biddulph in southwestern Ontario.

Whitstable was also told by the psychic that the Egyptian god Thoth was currently in the town.

“What the Hell,” Whitstable wondered, “is Thoth doing in Lucan, Ontario?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 29th
2019.

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Kraken Uhluhtc Causes Venezuela Electrical Blackout

March 11, 2019 at 10:56 pm (Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Movies, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was sitting in her Mexico City penthouse apartment having a long distance phone conversation discussing the crisis in Venezuela with British MP Renfield R. Renfield.

“Do you have any idea what’s causing this massive electricity and power blackout that’s been going on in Venezuela since last Thursday?” Renfield asked.

Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro and the U.S. government had both been blaming the other for causing the blackout.

“My sources tell me it’s Uhluhtc that’s causing the problem,” Qonzilqointec answered.

“And who’s Uhluhtc?” Renfield helped himself to a dish of calamari in front of him.

“Uhluhtc is a kraken that recently rose from the bottom of the Caribbean Sea a couple of years ago,” Qonzilqointec answered.

“I see,” Renfield added some Jamaican Hot Sauce to his calamari, “and what caused him to rise?”.

“North Korean leader Kim Jong-un reading aloud a passage from a medieval Korean edition of The Necronomicon by radio and loudspeaker to a North Korean ship named The Red Scorpion that was sailing in the Caribbean at the time,” the Aztec vampire princess replied.

“Really?” Renfield helped himself to some Korean dumplings and fried scorpion, “Interesting how this information is sort of forming a Jungian synchronicity with what I’m having on my lunchtime menu.”

“One of my drones spotted Uhluhtc attacking electrical transformers throughout Venezuela,” Qonzilqointec added.

“Any idea why he’s doing this?” Renfield found a toy figure of Godzilla as the prize in his box of children’s cereal.

“None whatsoever,” Qonzilqointec smoothed her dress and watched another one of her carrier pigeon shaped drones returning.

. . .

Donald Trump was receiving a briefing from the National Security Agency as his English butler and valet Lexington poured tea.

“Um, is it appropriate for him to be here?” The NSA operative pointed towards Lexington.

“That’s all right,” Trump shrugged, “he’s got high level security clearance.”

“Your English butler and valet has high-level security clearance?” The NSA operative was astounded.

“Hey,” Trump helped himself to a hot buttered crumpet, “if I can get high-level security clearance for my daughter and my son-in-law, I can get high-level security clearance for my English butler and valet.”

“Fuck everybody and let’s build a Trump casino in Moscow. Fuck everybody and let’s build a Trump casino in Moscow,” Trump’s pet Norwegian blue parrot squawked from inside his cage.

Trump was currently working on getting high-level security clearance for his parrot.

“Anyways we wiretapped a conversation New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez recently had in a Washington DC restaurant with Lev Tomi the Secretary-General of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change,” the NSA operative explained.

“Bully for you, we need surveillance to find out what these Communist saboteurs are up to,” Trump accidentally pushed the Record button on his Huawei smart phone.

“They were discussing the Green New Deal,” the NSA operative said.

“I noticed,” Trump remarked as he drank his cup of Earl Grey Tea, “that even British MP Renfield R. Renfield who supports AOC’S plans for a single user pay national public health care system says that AOC “is out to lunch like most leftists are” when it comes to the subject of climate change.”

“Anyhow the Department of Homeland Security recently uncovered frightening information with regards to Lev Tomi,” the NSA operative read from his briefs as he dressed down to his briefs since it was rather hot in the Oval Office.

“And what was that?” Trump seeing the NSA operative dressed down to his briefs brought back memories of last year’s private one-on-one encounter with Vladimir Putin in which no aides nor translators were present.

“That Lev Tomi is in fact a vampire,” the NSA operative’s glasses steamed up, “and in his mortal life had been the Russian Communist Revolutionary Leon Trotsky. Trotsky did not die on the night of August 20th/21st 1940 succumbing to his ice axe wounds delivered by a Stalinist NKVD assassin as the history books teach us. Instead he was turned into a vampire by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.”

“Aztec?” Trump felt a sudden craving for enchiladas, “They’re Mexican aren’t they?”.

“That is correct,” the NSA operative answered.

“Then I’m right to build that damned wall,” Trump pounded his fist on his desk.

“Begging your pardon, sir,” Lexington removed the Gloucester cheese from the table, “but if this Qonzilqointec is a vampiress, then she can just turn into a vampire bat and fly over the wall.”

“What a bummer,” Trump grimaced.

“That’s exactly what Putin said to me afterwards,” squawked the parrot, “that’s exactly what Putin said to me afterwards.”

. . .

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing thought back to the 1941 film Sundown with Gene Tierney and George Sanders that he had been watching for the first time on YouTube early Sunday morning when his BBC app sounded a five second long musical note indicating a breaking news bulletin.

That was when he first heard about the tragic Ethiopian Airlines plane crash from Addis Ababa Ethiopia to Nairobi Kenya that had killed all 157 people on board.

Today after watching the news he found out that 18 Canadians had been aboard the plane including a Carleton University professor from Ottawa, a family of six from Brampton Ontario, an environmentalist from Winnipeg Manitoba and a young mother from Edmonton Alberta along with her 5-year-old daughter.

There was also an assistant pastor from the City of Calgary (who also worked as an accountant at Calgary City Hall) killed- a man that Dracul Van Helsing had personally met on one occasion.

In another connection to the City of Calgary, the pilot of the plane had an aunt who lived in Calgary.

In this interconnected world of the 21st Century, tragedy now connected all corners of the globe.


Gene Tierney in the movie Sundown 1941.
A movie that was set in the border region between Kenya and Ethiopia.
A movie that had as its premise the importance of Africa to world geopolitics and how Africa served as the pivotal point of the interconnectivity of the world.
It was while watching this film, a breaking BBC News bulletin on a tablet app showed that the premise still held true in the year 2019.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 11th
2019.

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A Haitian Vampire Huntress, An Aztec Vampiress and A German WW1 U-Boat

September 19, 2017 at 7:47 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

A Haitian Vampire Huntress, An Aztec Vampiress and A German WW1 U-Boat

The Haitian vampire huntress Yoanna Soleil was working in her office in the Haitian capital of Port-au-Prince when her phone rang.

“Hello,” Yoanna picked up her phone.

“Mlle. Soleil, this is the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec,”
said the sensual feminine voice on the other end of the line.

“Well, well, your Imperial Highness,” Yoanna Soleil laughed, “this is a surprise. It’s not often that a vampire huntress gets a phone call from a vampiress. I must warn you however that I’m not like the heterosexual sex addict Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing nor am I lesbian or bisexual in my sexual orientation so you won’t be able to use your seductive, sexy and sensual vampiress charms on me.”

“That’s not what I’m calling about,” Qonzilqointec sounded exasperated, “my penthouse here in Mexico City has just been severely shaken by a 7.1 magnitude earthquake and from my vantage point way up high, I can see dozens of buildings around the city have collapsed.”

“I’m so sorry,” Yoanna Soleil was sincere for her own country had been hit by a devastating earthquake only 7 years ago.

“This is the 2nd major earthquake that has hit Mexico 🇲🇽 in the past 10 days,” the vampire princess sighed, “as you know an 8.2 magnitude earthquake hit southern Mexico back on September 8th.”

“I know,” Yoanna said then asked, “so why are you calling me?”.

“Well, I don’t have to tell you about all the major hurricanes that have been hitting the Caribbean region this season,” the Aztec vampiress stated.

“No you don’t,” Yoanna agreed.

“That’s why I’m calling you, Mlle. Soleil,” Qonzilqointec’s voice was pleading, “I think what’s been happening is connected. You are aware of course of the kraken Uhluhtc that sleeps at the bottom of the Caribbean Sea.”

Uhluhtc the sleeping Kraken at the bottom of the Caribbean Sea was considered just a legend among the educated elites of the Caribbean, Central America and Mexico.

However both vampiress and vampire huntress having dealt with things supernatural during their respective lifetimes knew that the kraken Uhluhtc was very much real.

“Yes,” Yoanna Soleil answered.

“Uhluhtc is not sleeping anymore,” the Aztec vampiress stated emphatically, “and that is what causing all these major earthquakes and major hurricanes of the moment. I propose we form an alliance to destroy it.”

. . .

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had received a confidential message from German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

“I wonder what this is all about?” Set asked his butler and valet Athelstan as he opened the sealed envelope marked TOP SECRET and CONFIDENTIAL.

“I have no idea, sir,” answered Athelstan who was sporting a black eye having had to rescue his elderly mother (who was currently visiting London) from a bar room brawl in a London pub the night before when she had once again got into a violent argument with another patron over matters relating to British and European football ⚽️ like she was prone to do.

“The courier said it had something to do with that World War One German UB-II U-Boat submarine they just found off the coast of Belgium 🇧🇪,” Amadeus Emanon spoke up from the neighbouring piano room.

“I heard about that,” Set answered, “what does that have to do with me? The tomb I was buried alive in for millennia wasn’t opened until Armistice Day in 1918 so I couldn’t have anything to do with the sinking of a German U-Boat submarine.”

“You have an excellent alibi in my opinion, sir,” Athelstan agreed.

“Oh my god Ra,” Set turned paler than even his usual pale looking vampiric self, “it’s who the German government believe was on board that U-Boat submarine that concerns me.”

“And who might that be, sir?” Athelstan inquired politely.

But Set was in such a state of shock that he was at a loss for words.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday September 19th
2017.

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