Napoleon’s 250th Birthday and Woodstock 50th Anniversary

August 15, 2019 at 10:00 pm (History, Music, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Napoleon’s 250th Birthday and Woodstock 50th Anniversary 

Today was the Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte’s 250th birthday.

To celebrate the occasion the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI and was the leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party (this particular Kraken had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus back in June 2015) was going to blow out 250 candles on a huge Black Forest cake on the banks of the River Seine in Paris.

Medusa (the ex-Gorgon who had married the Kraken with Pope Francis’ papal blessing back in January 2017) led the assembled crowd on the banks of the Seine into singing Happy Birthday.

Medusa and the Paris Impromtu Singers sang,

“Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, dear Napoleon,
Happy Birthday to you…”

Everyone whistled and applauded.

The ghost of the Emperor Napoleon (who had been granted temporary dispensational leave from the Underworld by Hades and Persephone for this occasion) wiped spectral tears from his ghostly eyes.

The Kraken leaned over to blow the 250 candles out on the Black Forest cake when he suddenly noticed that he had totally run out of hot air (he had used up his hot air giving a speech in the European Parliament yesterday on the subject of climate change).

His inability to blow out the candles started a massive fire on the Black Forest (that is the cake and not the forest in southwestern Germany).

Napoleon VI the Kraken got one of his tentacles (as opposed to one of his testicles) caught on fire and started dancing up and down the banks of the River Seine going, “Ooch! Ouch! Ooch! Ouch!”.

At that moment an otter called Jefferey de Montmartre (a DARPA operative) dived into the River Seine causing a huge splash that put the candles and the fire out.

Medusa then began to cut the cake (which now looked more like a Baked Alaska than a Black Forest cake) and started handing slices out.

Today was also the 50th Anniversary of the start of the Woodstock Music Festival.

Billed as “an Aquarian exposition: 3 days of peace and music”, it was held at Max Yasgur’s 600-acre dairy farm in Bethel, New York.

Interestingly enough, there was a pot-smoking hippy coincidentally named Rip Van Weedwrinkle who had fallen asleep just before the concert 50 years ago and now had just woken up 50 years later in one miraculous feat of survival (all a testament to the power of British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula marijuana).

He woke up singing, “What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?”.

He raised himself up, brushed the cobwebs out of his long graying hair and beard and looked around at the empty fields that surrounded him.

“Hey, where is everybody?” He called out, “When does the concert start? Anyone?”.

His voice echoed through the empty fields and was answered by the Aquarian Age moo of a cow in the distance.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Thursday August 15th
2019.

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Svengali The Diabolical Shrimp Causes Power Blackout

August 9, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Svengali The Diabolical Shrimp Causes Power Blackout

A major power blackout occurred in England and Wales today.

Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher asked Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster to use his psychic powers to determine the cause.

This is what Michelangelo came up with after receiving a vision.

Months earlier the evil Jesuit priest and scientist Father Caiaphas bar Yochai was becoming quite upset about how British MP Renfield R. Renfield and the Welsh vampiress Morgana were upsetting the best laid plans of demons and evil deities.

He resolved to do something to solve this problem.

Of course one of the most powerful weapons in the arsenal of Renfield and Morgana was Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

If only, Father Caiaphas chewed his pentagram decorated fingernails, he could come up with a diabolical equivalent of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

When he had finished chewing off his pentagram decorated fingernails, Father Caiaphas took off his shoes and socks in the booth in the Rome taverna he was sitting in and started working on his pentagram decorated toe nails.

It just so happened that the Kraken Napoleon VI (leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party) was sitting across from him drinking kegs full of Jamaican rum.

The Kraken was amused by the sight of this priest chewing off his pentagram decorated fingernails and toe nails.

After drinking so many kegs of rum, the Kraken was totally oblivious to the fact that this particular priest had sold his soul to the forces of darkness many years ago.

In this state of alcohol induced oblivion, the Kraken struck up a conversation with the priest.

Father Caiaphas, who had been drinking bottles and bottles of Andres Baby Duck Sparkling Wine, had his guard down and told the Kraken his predicament.

The Kraken (unaware that Father Caiaphas was being serious and not joking) gave the sinister cleric an idea.

He suggested a perfect satanic antithesis of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster should be a creature called Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp (shrimp as in the seafood creature you get with sweet and sour sauce in Chinese restaurants).

Alter a shrimp in a test tube and add demonic DNA from a demon, the Kraken suggested before passing out after drinking too many kegs of Jamaican rum.

The Kraken’s wife Medusa (the former Gorgon) walked through the door of the taverna and had to literally drag the Kraken back to the hotel room where they were staying in Rome.

Father Caiaphas bar Yochai thought the idea of Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp as a satanic antithesis of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was a splendid idea.

It was a good thing for the sinister Jesuit that he had run into the rum consuming Kraken Napoleon VI.

Otherwise being a typical modernist progressive Jesuit priest, he wouldn’t have had the imagination or sense of humour to come up with a concept such as Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp.

So Father Caiaphas went and bought a live shrimp from a Rome seafood market (the shop owner found it strange that someone would only buy one shrimp) and then went to his laboratory.

He summoned the demon Mephistopheles (to whom Faust had sold his soul) and extracted DNA from the aforementioned demon which he inserted into the shrimp.

After months of gestation in a test tube (while listening to the collected speeches of Donald Trump), the shrimp emerged.

As his first test, Father Caiphas asked Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp to cause power outages in both England and Wales which were Renfield and Morgana’s respective home countries.

Svengali’s mind had not yet developed to the point where the creature could use his telekinetic powers to disable the electrical power grid of England and Wales with his mind.

However like his name sake, Svengali could mesmerize and psychically manipulate.

It just so happened that there lived an evil kraken in the North Sea named Krakenus Maleficentus.

Svengali directed the North Sea kraken to head to the United Kingdom and got the creature to eat two power generators.

This “unexpected and unusual” event (in the words of British authorities) caused problems affecting vast swathes of England and Wales on Friday afternoon and into the evening.

London and most of southeast England were affected by the National Grid failure as were the Midlands, Southwest and Northeast of England and much of Wales.

Many trains and train stations went down (and people were stranded) including the famous King’s Cross station.

The situation was saved by a little 9-year-old girl named Amanda who was using spells from a Harry Potter book to try to bring 3 garden gnomes (who sat in the basket of a painted white bicycle lawn ornament on her house’s front lawn) to life.

The 3 gnomes who were named Wynkin, Blynkin and Nod stole Renfield’s sweet and sour shrimp (during the power outage in the Chinese restaurant he was sitting in at the time) and fed it to the North Sea kraken Krakenus Maleficentus when they saw him.

The North Sea kraken had a severe dietary allergy to shrimp and vomited up the two power generators it had eaten.

Eventually and slowly power was restored across England and Wales.

“And now you know the rest of the story,” Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster typed on his waterproof iPad with his lobster claws before falling asleep.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher 
Friday August 9th
2019.

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The Kraken In Ethiopia

July 3, 2019 at 10:45 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

The Kraken In Ethiopia

After being sworn in as a Member of the European Parliament yesterday along with his wife Medusa and his British Transhumanist friends Renfield R. Renfield and the Welsh vampiress Morgana, the Kraken and leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party Napoleon VI was currently in Addis Ababa Ethiopia.

Unlike members of the Brexit Party who showed bad taste and bad form by turning their backs on the European Union anthem as it was played in the European Parliament, the British Transhumanist and French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Alliance MEPs did not do that.

Of course the Kraken, Medusa, Renfield and Morgana were all big fans of Beethoven and his Ode To Joy anyways so naturally they wouldn’t do that.

What brought the Kraken to Ethiopia was that the cyborg octopus Napoleon VI was hoping to upstage his French political rival Emmanuel Macron.

It had come to the Kraken’s attention that Macron was terribly fearful that Donald Trump’s lavish Washington DC 4th of July parade planned for tomorrow might well upstage the French President’s own Paris Bastille Day parade that would be held later this month.

However it had come to Macron’s attention that the famed Ark of the Covenant (made famous by Moses the Prophet and later Steven Spielberg) might possibly be residing in a monastery church in Aksum Ethiopia.

If Macron could convince the monk guardian of the Ark to temporarily loan it to France for this year’s Bastille Day parade, this would definitely upstage Trump and his hair raising toupee.

The Kraken, finding out about Macron’s plan, decided to go to Ethiopia himself and beat Macron’s Intelligence Service to the punch by tracking down the monk guardian of the Ark and asking him to loan it to France for this year’s Bastille Day Parade.

The Kraken visualized himself returning to Paris with a hero’s welcome as he got off the plane carrying the Ark of the Covenant in his 8 arms.

The Kraken however did not know anyone in Ethiopia who could guide him to the monastery.

Dracul Van Helsing however was friends with the Ethiopian Princess Ayesha (a direct descendant of King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba) whom he had met in Jerusalem earlier this year.

Van Helsing had arranged for the Kraken to meet Princess Ayesha after arriving in Addis Ababa and Her Highness would take the Kraken to the monastery church in Aksum.

The Kraken went to meet Ayesha on the rooftop of her house in Addis Ababa.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 3rd
2019.

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Renfield In An Age of Demonic Totalitarianism Encounters A Stone Cold Loser

June 3, 2019 at 11:00 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield In An Age of Demonic Totalitarianism Encounters A Stone Cold Loser

“Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two makes four. If that is granted, all else follows.”
-George Orwell, 1984.

British MP Renfield R. Renfield had been invited to the state dinner at Buckingham Palace that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was holding for Donald Trump.

But when he showed up wearing not a formal suit but a t-shirt that said,

VISITING LONDON FROM THE U.S. AND WANTING TO MAKE YOUR TOUPEE GREAT AGAIN?
THEN VISIT BULLWINKLE’S TOUPEE SHAMPOO SALON.

he was barred from entering on orders of British Prime Minister Theresa May.

So he went home and decided to meet Amadeus Emanon who would be spending his Monday night in his favourite cafe.

He put on a t-shirt that said 
LGBTQ HISTORY MONTH

and below the quote was a drawing of Abraham’s nephew Lot, Lot’s wife and family leaving the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah as they were destroyed by The Lord God of Israel.

He then entered the cafe where Amadeus was sitting and joined him at his table.

In the corner of the cafe sat London Mayor Sadiq Khan playing chess against the neighbourhood barber.

At another table sat the Kraken Napoleon VI and his wife Medusa who were visiting England as part of Anglo-French 75th Anniversary D-Day celebrations.

“So,” Renfield ordered a coffee, “Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol just sent me a text message saying that Lenin’s ghost appeared at Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s side in Vancouver today.”

“Really?” Amadeus was eating a bagel with cream cheese, “So Trudeau is now getting advice from Lenin’s ghost as well as the demons Baal and Baphomet?”.

“Apparently,” Renfield ordered a tuna fish sandwich, “And speaking of the demons Baal and Baphomet, I got word from a Set Enterprises operative in Dublin that they were meeting with the entire Irish cabinet today.”

“Really?” Amadeus looked shocked as he bit into his mashed potatoes with gravy and fried shamrocks, “I don’t imagine Saint Patrick will be very happy about that.”

“Probably not,” Renfield remarked as he looked at what Amadeus was eating.

“What’s Whitstable doing in Vancouver?” Amadeus asked.

“He’s apparently investigating the fact that the ghost of Maximilien Robespierre has been serving as an advisor to British Columbia’s so-called Human Rights Commission the past couple of years,” Renfield sipped his coffee.

“Didn’t Pan Goatee recently behead all the members of British Columbia’s so-called Human Rights Commission for imposing a large fine on somebody for saying that a person who was born a biological male “had been born a biological male”. It happened a few months back,” Amadeus ordered a hot fudge sundae.

“He did,” Renfield nodded, “but the provincial government have appointed a new bunch of politically correct assholes to replace the deceased politically correct assholes on the commission.”

London Mayor Sadiq Khan said “Merde” after his chess opponent the barber said “Checkmate”.

Medusa, who had the snakes in her hair shaved off by a robot barber invented by Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher, had a slight after effect of the operation.

Whenever she heard the word “Merde”, her hair would momentarily turn into snakes again.

Sadiq Khan immediately turned to stone after seeing Medusa’s snaky hair.

Just then the waiter, who was carrying a pitcher of iced water, tripped over his feet and the ice landed on top of the now stoned Sadiq Khan who had just lost a chess game.

“Well,” Renfield commented as he observed the spectacle, “it appears Donald Trump was right about one thing. Sadiq Khan the Mayor of London is a stone cold loser.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 3rd
2019.


Medusa: As she looks when her hair doesn’t have snakes in it

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Renfield Meets Captain Kerry Donegal In The Oscar Wilde Pub

May 28, 2019 at 10:02 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Politics, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in a newly opened London pub called The Oscar Wilde.

He was planning his strategy to have his friend the Kraken Napoleon VI elected the new President of the European Union Commission.

Seeing as how German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French President Emmanuel Macron were in disagreement as to who should be the new EU Commission President, this allowed an opportunity for a rogue Brit like himself to put a Kraken into that position.

Seeing as how this was The Oscar Wilde Pub, Renfield decided to order himself a glass of absinthe as this was the favourite drink of such notorious writers and poets as Oscar Wilde and Charles Baudelaire and artist/painters such as Henri Toulouse-Lautrec and Amedeo Modigliano.

Seeing as how Renfield was neither an American Jesuit priest nor a leading U.S. Democratic Party politician nor a Hollywood bigwig, he ignored the fact that absinthe was also drunk by such satanic low-lifes as Aleister Crowley.

After 21 glasses of absinthe, Renfield was able to see spirits so as soon as the ghost of the 18th Century Irish pirate of the Caribbean Captain Kerry Donegal walked through the door, the MP invited him to sit down.

They introduced themselves to another and gave their respective backgrounds.

“So,” Renfield ordered another glass of absinthe, “you’re the pirate’s ghost that my psychic lobster friend Michelangelo saw ride that supposedly riderless horse Bodexpress at the Preakness Stakes?”.

“That was me all right,” the ghostly pirate blushed adding a little rouge to his overly white complexion, “I came in second from last.”

“We all have our embarassing moments,” Renfield recalled the lovely actress Gong Li turning him down for a date after he had asked her out in a crowded elevator.

“So how’s your political career going?” Captain Kerry Donegal asked.

“Well if Boris Johnson wins the leadership of the British Conservative Party in July and becomes Prime Minister of Britain,” Renfield ordered a tuna fish sandwich, “I’ll probably become Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering and my parliamentary colleague and fellow Transhumanist MP the Welsh vampiress Morgana will probably become Deputy Home Secretary In Charge of Midnight Security.”

“Well, congratulations,” the pirate captain drank a toast in ghostly extra spirited absinthe.

“Still, I mustn’t count my chickens before they’re hatched,” Renfield helped himself to a plate of deviled eggs, “so what are your plans for the future?”.

“I haven’t quite decided,” Captain Kerry Donegal answered, “I moved out of 10 Downing Street last night after Prime Minister Theresa May invited me to watch the 1947 film The Ghost and Mrs. Muir starring Gene Tierney and Rex Harrison with her. After watching the film, I came to the conclusion that Mrs. May wanted to have a romantic affair with me so I left.”

“Yes, singing My Fair Lady to Gene Tierney isn’t so bad,” Renfield admitted, “singing it to Theresa May is another matter entirely.”

“By Liza, rather than sitting in the saddle to do little, I should have said to Bodexpress, move your bloomin’ ass,” the pirate captain reflected.

“And speaking of my fair lady, here comes my parliamentary colleague Morgana,” Renfield, after 23 glasses of absinthe, ran up to kiss her as she entered the pub.

“Why you predatory sexually harassing lecherous pervert,” Morgana said to him before kicking him out the door with one of her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

“Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder,” were Renfield’s last words before succumbing to unconsciousness on the outdoor sidewalk.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 28th
2019.


Welsh vampiress Morgana: Not one to mess with

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Dracul and Semiramis In Paris

May 26, 2019 at 9:43 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was at Quasimodo’s Cafe in Paris waiting for the European Parliament election results to come in.

He phoned his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield who was in London.

“Hi, Renfield,” Dracul greeted him, “How’s your party doing?”.

“We’re ahead of the Conservatives,” Renfield was already on his 10th cognac in celebration, “so we’ll be sending a few MEPs to Strasbourg and Brussels. Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party has done the best so that must have been one lucky milkshake that some protester doused him with. How is the Kraken’s Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party doing?.”

“Well given the results so far, the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party will be sending at least 2 MEPs to Strasbourg and Brussels,” Dracul looked at the television screen inside the cafe.

“So that means the Kraken Napoleon VI himself and his wife Medusa will be sitting in the European Parliament,” Renfield lit himself a cigar.

“That will be the case,” Dracul admitted, “Have you heard how Theresa May is taking the results?”.

“According to the gypsy fortune teller and psychic Dulcinea Lucia whom I ran into earlier tonight,” Renfield replied, “She says she saw Theresa May drowning her sorrows in a pub accompanied by the ghost of an 18th Century pirate.”

“Well, she’s one up on Margaret Thatcher then,” Dracul ordered a Napoleon brandy, “I don’t think the Iron Lady ever did that.”

“No, I don’t think so either,” Renfield considered the possibility, “The closest she ever got was when she said to Argentine President General Galtieri over the Falkland Islands Malvinas, your place or mine?”.

“The Kraken arrived in the cafe about an hour ago,” Dracul noticed the large octopus was downing champagne by the bucketloads, “He just got in from Tel Aviv. While there, he was told by Miranda the mermaid that sinister forces have developed a flesh eating killer seaweed designed to destroy France. Of course the Kraken already encountered that sinister piece of future sushi wrapping when he left Marseille for Tel Aviv yesterday.”

In the restaurant where Renfield was sitting, he ordered some sushi rolls from the waitress upon hearing this news.

“So, what’s new with you?” Renfield asked the vampire hunter.

“Well, a few days ago, I was kidnapped by the Syro-Phoenician goddess Atargatis while sitting in a Paris movie theatre attending a large screen showing of the movie Casablanca,” Dracul recalled.

“That must have been exciting,” Renfield was pleased by the restaurant’s quick delivery of the sushi rolls.

“It was,” Dracul smiled.

“What did she want?” Renfield said as he dove into the sushi rolls with his chopsticks.

“She wanted me to give her King Arthur’s battle banner on which was an image of a red dragon the famous Red Dragon Banner whose image is actually able to breathe fire in battle,” Dracul stated.

“And did you give it to her?” Renfield inquired.

“Oh, I gave it to her all right,” Dracul smiled again, “But not the Red Dragon Banner. That’s a family heirloom.”

“Well, I see the ghosts of Orson Welles and Winston Churchill are walking in through the door to join me in celebration,” Renfield finished his sushi rolls, “so I better go. Have a good night.”

“You too, my friend,” Dracul put his smartphone back in his pocket.

He looked towards a corner booth in the cafe and noticed Semiramis the legendary former Queen of Babylon sitting there.

As often happened when Dracul Van Helsing encountered goddesses and legendary queens, the setting had changed to black and white.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 26th
2019.

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The Kraken Rises Off Israel

May 25, 2019 at 9:57 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural) (, , , , , , , , , , )

The Kraken Napoleon VI had got an urgent text message on his smart phone.

It was from Miranda the mermaid.

It was imperative that she meet him on the beaches of Tel Aviv, Israel.

“It must be something very important,” the Kraken thought to himself as he watched a TV commercial with the Greek god Poseidon advertising McDonald’s Restaurants current special of fresh Atlantic Fish and Chips.

It was a sad day the Kraken thought to himself when even the Olympians were selling out to American corporate conglomerates.

The Kraken was going to let his wife Medusa know where he was going but she was currently engaged in a leg wrestling match with the Egyptian vampiress Isis on the floor of Quasimodo’s Cafe in Paris.

Their slit skirted and black silk nylon legs wrapped around one another’s throats would have sent the Irish Jewish science-fiction writer George Finneganburg and his Greek Norse fantasy writer friend Hyperion Sturm into sheer frenzy had they walked through the cafe at that moment.

The Kraken decided to text message Medusa the news later.

The Kraken hopped on his skateboard and skateboarded all the way from Paris down to the port city of Marseille.

From Marseille, he planned to swim all the way across the Mediterranean to Tel Aviv to meet with mermaid Miranda.

The Kraken had a slight delay in Marseille when he was attacked by a giant piece of seaweed who tried to eat him.

It was fortunate for the Kraken that he had ordered the Giant Spinach Salad for dinner at Quasimodo’s Cafe in Paris because the spinach had made him super strong like Popeye the Sailorman.

The Kraken ripped apart the killer seaweed and was able to swim away before the seaweed grew back together again.

After doing 4 simultaneous breast strokes with his 8 arms, the Kraken was soon in sight of the beaches of Tel Aviv.

The Kraken decided to dive underwater and then rise up again in order to make a grand and impressive entrance on to the beach.

He dove and then rose again.

As he rose, he brought up the Russian Navy submarine The Pride of Saint Petersburg (that had been doing surveillance work up and down the coast of Israel) on his head.

Wearing the submarine like a hat on his head, he stepped on to the beach and announced to Miranda the Mermaid that he had arrived.

. . .

A group of tourists were on the beach at Cefalu, Sicily.

Only a week earlier, a young 7-year-old female sperm whale had been found dead on that beach.

Its stomach was full of plastic bags and other plastic objects that had caused her death.

Now the bozo group of tourists on the beach were littering it with plastic bottles, plastic cups and plastic straws after their huge gluttonous picnic and beach party.

The Celtic stag god Cernunnos emerged from the hills above the beach carrying his crossbow and poisoned arrows.

The horned stag quickly fired poisoned arrows into the huge crowd of plastic littering bozos killing them all.

The Greek god Ares who had been walking along the beach likewise threw down a huge plastic cup and plastic straw.

Cernunnos fired a poisoned arrow marked MADE IN PARIS into Ares’ Achilles heel.

The Greek god of war fell on to the beach crying out, “I hate it when that happens.”

. . .

Allatallahbell the Vampiress Priestess of Baal would be meeting in the Vatican Gardens today with Medusa’s sisters Sthenno and Euryale.

In the meantime she was performing a sacrifice to Baal in one of the side chapels in the Vatican.

As Allatallahbell was busy sacrificing to Baal, Pope Francis was strolling through the Vatican grounds.

A couple of days earlier, Pope Francis had given a talk to a group of people on one of his favourite topics the God of Surprises.

The God of Surprises always reminded him of the boxes of Cracker Jack popcorn that he bought as a kid which always had a prize inside.

His friend Samhain Cardinal Salaman had just found a shop in Rome which sold Cracker Jack popcorn.

Pope Francis walked through the Vatican contentedly munching on the molasses-flavoured and caramel-coated popcorn which came from the box with the pictures of Sailor Jack and his dog Bingo on it.

He wondered what prize lay for him at the bottom of the box.

What did the god of surprises have in store for him?

With that thought in mind, he walked into the Vatican Gardens where there stood Sthenno and Euryale the sisters of Medusa:

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 25th
2019.

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The Kraken Meets The Ghost of Orson Welles In Paris

May 23, 2019 at 9:14 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Voting in the European Parliament elections had begun today and would continue until May 26th.

The Kraken Napoleon VI, leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party, sat in the Quasimodo Cafe and calmly sipped Lemon Tea and dipped potato chips into Sour Cream and Onion Chip Dip as he awaited the first of the results to come in.

His wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (who had been cured of her Gorgonism by Set Enterprises’ Chief Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) sat calmly painting her fingernails a lovely Moulin Rouge.

The ghost of Orson Welles (who sat across from Medusa and the Kraken) recalled how his late former wife Rita Hayworth had once performed the Can Can (to the tune of Jacques Offenbach’s Orpheus In The Underworld) with her fingers while wearing a pair of black leather gloves.

The performance was considered too hot to handle and was not included in Miss Hayworth’s 1946 film Gilda.

“Johnny, be good,” an impromptu line spoken by Miss Hayworth was also edited out of the film.

“Did you ever consider running for political office when you were alive?” The Kraken asked Welles’ ghost.

“Well, Democratic Party organizers in Wisconsin the state of my birth did ask me to consider running as their candidate for the U.S. Senate in Wisconsin in 1946 but I declined,” Welles sipped a nice spectral glass of spectral red wine, “something that I regretted later as my Republican opponent would have been none other than Joe McCarthy. U.S. political history might have been different had I chosen to run.”

“There’s the Egyptian vampiress Isis,” Medusa spoke critically as the Egyptian vampiress walked through the door wearing a French flag tricoloured evening dress.

“Did you know Isis was the model for Frederic Auguste Bartholdi’s Statue of Liberty?” Welles recounted aloud some knowledge he had uncovered during his time spent in Purgatory.

“I’d heard that,” the Kraken ordered a cognac from the waiter.

“Isis is backing Emmanuel Macron’s party in the European Parliament elections,” Medusa’s voice dripped with contempt like a lethal dose of snake venom.

“I think Freemasons generally support the idea of a fully integrated European Union,” Welles lit a spectral cigar, “and since both Isis and Osiris are the prevalent deities worshipped in a lot of Masonic lodges around the world, it’s no surprise that Isis and the Masons would share a similar political viewpoint.”

“I still suspect our party will do well though,” the Kraken reached for 8 glasses of cognac with his 8 arms.

“I hear our ally across the Channel Renfield is doing well in most polls there,” Welles ordered a California wine much to the displeasure of the French waiter.

“He is,” the Kraken smiled, “I wonder how long he’ll be in the European Parliament before Brexit happens.”

“I imagine EU bureaucrats will be more sympathetic to the idea of a rapid Brexit to prevent Renfield from entering the European Parliament,” Welles brushed cigar ash out of his ghostly beard.

“I hear,” Medusa changed the subject, “that Prince Harry and Meghan the Duchess of Sussex were considering asking Renfield to be their son Archie Harrison’s godfather but that the Prince of Wales is strongly opposed to the idea.”

“That I heard as well,” Welles reached for the glass of Paul Masson Wine which was sold before its time, “and the Prince of Wales might have a point. Renfield could easily become the Falstaff to young Archie’s Prince Hal.”

On the other side of the cafe, the vampiress Isis ordered a Singapore Sling as she too waited for the first of the European Parliament election results.

Meanwhile in a Paris cinema, the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was attending a large screen repertory showing of the 1942 film classic Casablanca.

Suddenly appearing on the screen in front of him was a scene he hadn’t recalled seeing before.

That’s because the black and white scene wasn’t part of the movie Casablanca.

It was the Syro-Phoenician goddess Atargatis beckoning to him.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 23rd
2019.

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Pirate’s Ghost Attends Volodymyr Zelensky’s Inauguration

May 20, 2019 at 9:55 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The ghost of Captain Kerry Donegal the little known (save to a certain Oxford historian and his grad students) 18th Century Irish pirate of the Caribbean was walking the streets of Kiev in Ukraine.

He was here to attend the inauguration of Volodymyr Zelensky as Ukraine’s new President.

As a pirate’s ghost, he had only recently been released from Purgatory.

The decision to release him came in a teleconferencing call between the Greek gods Hades, Poseidon and Zeus.

Hades as the god of the Underworld had Purgatory under his jurisdiction.

However the section of Purgatory that Captain Kerry Donegal was in was Davy Jones’ Locker over which Poseidon also held jurisdiction.

As Poseidon walked along the beaches of Tel Aviv, Israel (where the sea god passed Miranda the mermaid while he was holding his seashell phone to his ear) the three Olympians agreed on Captain Donegal’s release.

Normally Pope Francis as the successor of Simon Peter (to whom Christ had given the keys of Heaven, Hell and Purgatory) was supposed to have some say on the matter but since Francis did not believe in the existence of 2 out of 3 of those places, he had abdicated all responsibility on the matter to Hades back in 2014.

Captain Kerry Donegal wasn’t too sure why his release from Purgatory and Davy Jones’ Locker was so important to Zeus but it had something to do with Zeus wanting to release his own personal kraken on the world.

And Captain Donegal had died as a result of being strangled by a kraken.

Albeit as far as he knew, the kraken who strangled him wasn’t Zeus’ personal kraken.

Since arriving on the world above Purgatory and Davy Jones’ Locker, Captain Donegal had ridden a horse called Bodexpress at the Preakness Stakes in Baltimore, Maryland when the horse’s jockey had fallen off and the pirate’s ghost decided to jump on the horse and ride the rest of the way.

The pirate and Bodexpress had come in 2nd from last in the race although technically speaking, Bodexpress was officially listed as Did Not Finish.

The pirate captain blamed his poor finish on not having ridden a horse since the days of his wild youth in Ireland.

Captain Donegal had been in Baltimore, Maryland trying to locate a man named Edgar Allan Poe since a Haitian fortune teller had once told him that a man named Poe who lived in the city would someday be able to help him.

Captain Donegal discovered to his horror that Poe had apparently died almost 170 years earlier and in his shock had suddenly found himself on the Pimlico Race Course with a bunch of horses charging right through him.

He leapt on Bodexpress when Bodexpress’ rider had fallen off at the start of the race.

And now Captain Kerry Donegal found himself in Kiev, Ukraine.

He wasn’t quite sure how he got here but he was here.

The last he remembered was being in a Baltimore pub after the race but no one had taken his order (namely because they couldn’t see him).

He had heard in the pub that Ukraine would be holding a Presidential inauguration today and Captain Donegal recalled that a Cossack pirate who had served on his ship The Not So Green Shamrock had come from Ukraine.

He decided to visit the place and lo and behold he was here.

He watched as Ukraine’s new leader Volodymyr Zelensky took the oath of office.

But what he particularly enjoyed was watching two vampiresses (although he didn’t know they were vampiresses) wrestling with one another after the inauguration.

Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak was battling it out with Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva on behalf of their respective countries.

All he needed now, Captain Kerry Donegal thought to himself, was a good bottle of rum as he watched.

There was nothing he enjoyed more than a good catfight.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 20th
2019.


Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak wishes reader George F. a pleasant evening.

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Captain Kerry Donegal and The Kraken

May 19, 2019 at 9:37 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

“And so who is Captain Kerry Donegal?” Monica Dhaliwal asked her Oxford history tutor Professor Smets.

“He was an 18th Century Irish pirate,” Professor Smets answered as his glasses steamed up over the cup of English Breakfast tea that he was having for lunch, “who actually did most of his pirating in the Caribbean Sea. I do wonder whether the writers of the Pirates of The Caribbean films did not model their character of Captain Jack Sparrow on the said Captain Kerry Donegal. He was kind of a lovable rogue. A gentleman pirate as it were who was apparently a hit with the ladies.
And not a hit with those companies whose ships he robbed. Or with the members of Britain’s Royal Navy who he managed to escape from on several occasions just before he was supposed to be hung.”

“That would make for unpopularity among Royal Naval officers,” Monica had to admit, “how did he eventually die?”.

“No one knows for sure,” Professor Smets picked up a cream cheese and cucumber sandwich, “legend has it that he was accidentally strangled by a kraken in the 1750s.”

“Accidentally strangled?” Monica had to smile.

“Yes, according to legend, this kraken was a friend of his,” Professor Smets adjusted his glasses again, “a kraken who had eaten from the Tree of Life in the Garden of Eden which is to be found in the depths of the Persian Gulf. Eating from the Tree of Life had caused the Kraken to become immortal. Anyhow according to the stories, the Kraken and Kerry had become great friends. And the Kraken it turns out was a Jacobite sympathizer having once carried Bonnie Prince Charlie over the seas to Skye. According to legend, after an evening in which this Kraken had drunken 120 barrels of rum, he mistook his friend Captain Kerry Donegal for the Duke of Cumberland aka the Butcher of Culloden who had defeated Bonnie Prince Charlie at the Battle of Culloden on April 16th 1746. So he strangled Captain Kerry Donegal thinking that it was Cumberland he was strangling. When the Kraken woke from his drunken stupor and discovered to his horror what he had done, he tried to join a Franciscan monastery in what is now California but was turned down since at that time, the Franciscan order did not accept krakens as postulants.”

“And whatever became of this Kraken?” Miss Dhaliwal asked with a huge smile on her face.

“Well, again, according to legend,” Professor Smets gazed out the window of his Oxford University office, “the Kraken and Captain Kerry Donegal had gone to see a fortune teller on the island of Haiti to get their fortunes read. No one is sure what the beautiful woman seer told Captain Donegal but she apparently told the Kraken that at a future date far into the future, a scientist would have the ability to transfer his mind into the Kraken’s body and would do so since the scientist was dying from a fatal illness. Thus the Kraken would have both a kraken mind and a human mind at some future date.”

“What about Captain Kerry Donegal?” Monica inquired, “What did he look like?”.

“Well, here’s a drawing of him,” Professor Smets showed her the drawing, “as you can see from the drawing, he looks quite a bit like Captain Jack Sparrow as portrayed by Johnny Depp.”

“He does indeed,” Monica looked at the picture.

“They say an oil painting was done of Captain Kerry Donegal as well but no one is sure what became of the painting,” Professor Smets took off his glasses and wiped them with a handkerchief.

“So all these legends you’ve been telling me?” Miss Dhaliwal laughed, “Are you sure they’re an appropriate History lesson?”.

“It was investigating legends and myths that made the reputations of C.S. Lewis and J. R. R. Tolkien here at Oxford,” Professor Smets smiled.

Monica looked at the clock.

Her tutorial time was over.

She stood up, smoothed her dress and thanked Professor Smets for an interesting lecture.

She walked out into the Oxford grounds and imagined a seascape of pirates and krakens with the dome of the Bodleian Library becoming the mast of a huge sailing ship.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 19th
2019.

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