Renfield’s Attack On ISIS Camp In Libya

June 6, 2017 at 5:15 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Despite the fact that Britain’s 3 main political parties the Conservatives, Labour and the Liberal Democrats had suspended their campaigns in the wake of the recent London terrorist attack, Renfield R. Renfield was boldly going ahead with his British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party campaign in the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.- he was boldly going where no British politician had gone before.

He had phoned Ariana Grande after the One Love Manchester concert and asked if she’d appear in a photo-op with him which he’d put on his campaign pamphlets that he’d distribute in his constituency in the days leading up to the election.

“Who is this?” Ariana had asked on the phone after Renfield had described his definitely in poor taste photo-op he had planned to help benefit his political career.

“Renfield R. Renfield,” Renfield had replied.

“You pervert,” said Ariana and she immediately disconnected the call.

Renfield was silent for a moment.

“Oh well, at least she’s obviously heard of me,” Renfield put his smart phone back in his jacket vest pocket.

Renfield then decided to call in members of the British Brigade of Gurkhas to stage a raid on an ISIS training camp in Libya.

The Gurkhas are soldiers of Nepalese nationality.

The Brigade of Gurkhas celebrated 200 years of service in the British Army in 2015.

The Gurkhas are ferocious fearless fighters.

They are associated with the khukuri a Nepalese knife with an inwardly curved blade that is used as both a tool and a weapon in Nepal.

The Gurkhas are human equivalents of stealth fighters who are able to move both silently and invisibly during the night.

Lots of German soldiers in both World Wars I and II found themselves lying dead in their tents in the morning after their throats were slashed by the Gurkhas who had snuck into their camps and snuck out again.

Renfield recalled Dracul Van Helsing talking about a British Army friend of his father who one night in the Second World War woke up in his sleep and found someone feeling his shoelaces (British Army soldiers were instructed to sleep with their boots on as were the Germans).

A voice said, “It’s all right, Johnny, go back to sleep.”

Johnny is what the Gurkhas called a British Army soldier.

Jerry is what they called a German.

British Army soldiers and German Army soldiers tied the laces of their boots in different ways. Army regulations and all that.

So Gurkhas out on their nighttime missions were able to tell if the tent they were in belonged to a British or German soldier by the way the person inside the tent had tied their shoelaces.

In Van Helsing’s father’s friend’s case, he was told, “It’s all right, Johnny, go back to sleep.”

In a German soldier’s case, whether he was told “It’s not all right, Jerry” as he was dispatched with the khukuri knife to his eternal sleep, we’ll never know because the German soldier was too dead to tell us.

During the 1982 Falkland Islands War between Britain And Argentina, when the British Army General Staff announced they were sending a brigade of Welsh Army Gurkhas into the islands, that’s when the Argentinian military command in the Falkland Islands capital of Port Stanley announced they were surrendering and proceeded to raise the white flag over Port Stanley.

The former Indian Army Chief of Staff Field Marshal Sam Manekshaw once said, “If a man says he is not afraid of dying, he is either lying or he is a Gurkha.”

Many of the Brigade of Gurkhas in contemporary times do a lot of their nighttime stealth military training in the Canadian Armed Forces base near the town of Wainwright, Alberta, Canada.

The reason being that there are a lot of deer near Wainwright.

And part of the Gurkha’s successful passing of his military training is to sneak up to a deer at night and kill it by slashing its throat with a khukuri knife.

And of course, once you can sneak up to a deer with its expert astute sensitive hearing in the middle of the night and kill it without the deer noticing, then of course you can easily sneak up to a human being who does not have the acute expert sensitive hearing of a deer and do the same.

Renfield sent over a group of the Brigade of Gurkhas to an ISIS Islamic State training camp in Libya over night.

The next day as the Islamic State “fighters” went about their business, a huge holographic image of Renfield R. Renfield suddenly appeared overhead above the camp.

The holographic image was being beamed by a Set Enterprises advanced television satellite.

“Good day, you group of gonorrhea infested scumbags and worst of the garbage and refuse fallen from the plate of Mother Earth…”

Renfield poured himself a glass of beer.

From a 100 ounce bottle of beer whose giant label read,

REAL ALCOHOLIC BEER
WINNERS DRINK IT
LOSERS DON’T !

“Just to let you know,” Renfield grinned at the camera which made it appear he was grinning at the Islamic State losers, “while you were sleeping, a group of Gurkha fighters crawled into your tents and tied a small bag of nails and explosives to your testicles. I have here in my hand the detonator which when I press it will blow your testicles as well as the rest of you to Kingdom Come. But first I have a small poem I wrote which I’d like to recite before I do so. You of course do have the option of trying to get the bag off your testicles but that will result in a premature ejaculation and premature explosion if you do so…

Renfield (reciting poem):

You call yourself warriors but what sort of warrior can only kill people by blowing himself up in the process
You obviously learned nothing in school just how to be a loser during the time we call recess
You blow up girls at concerts
’cause your weenies are tiny little spurts
You can’t fight man to man combat
’cause you’re not men but a type of mutant rat
you know as my dear old mom used to say, It’s time to cut the crap
and I agree and I say like film directors of old, that’s a wrap…

Renfield put his hand on the detonator and grinned.

“Well,” he smiled, “to paraphrase my television alter ego, Raymond Red Reddington, you won’t be able to die on the bright side, you won’t die with a marvelous erection.”

Renfield pushed the button on the detonator.

On the camp loudspeakers the following song started blaring in tune with the numerous testicle nail bomb explosions,

“I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony,
I’d like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company,
it’s the real thing…”

In the sky, a skywriter airplane wrote the words,

ABSOLUTELY NO 72 DARK-EYED VIRGINS FOR YOU

Seinfeld soup inspired words of comfort for those still alive and dying from their testicle nail bomb inflicted wounds.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 6th
2017.

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Renfield’s North Korean Alarm Clock Smashed

March 24, 2017 at 3:49 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Amadeus Emanon happened to walk by Renfield R. Renfield’s bedroom.

He looked in and noticed Renfield R. Renfield’s new alarm clock had been totally smashed.

“What happened to your cheap new North Korean alarm clock?” asked Amadeus.

“I smashed it to smithereens,” Renfield replied downing a 24 ounce bottle of vodka in a single gulp.

“Why?” asked Amadeus.

“I blame it for this past Wednesday’s terrorist attack outside Parliament at Westminster,” Renfield opened a second 24 ounce bottle of vodka and polished it off with the same speed as the first.

“How was the North Korean alarm clock you purchased from a Hyde Park peddler this past Tuesday responsible for the infamous Westminster terrorist attack the next day?” Amadeus opened his lunch bag and started eating a chocolate eclair.

“Because when the alarm struck 9 AM (which was the time I set it to) this past Wednesday and the figure of Kim Jong-un came out of the clock saying, “Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! I am cuckoo!” and the figure of Kim Jong-un smashed his ICBM shaped hammer on my head to wake me up, instead of waking me up immediately, it rendered me unconscious for the next several hours,” Renfield opened a third 24 ounce bottle of vodka and downed it with the same speed as his first two.

“So how was that responsible for the terrorist attack outside Parliament?” Amadeus took out his jumbo hot dog (smothered in mustard and fried onions and relish and ketchup) from his lunch bag and began eating it.

“Because if I had woken up at the time I wanted to, I’d have probably been walking across the Westminster Bridge at the time and I could have blown the bastard away to kingdom come with one of the numerous concealed weapons I carry on my person as I’m out walking,” Renfield downed his 4th 24 ounce bottle of vodka.

“Would you have been able to stop a speeding vehicle?” Amadeus bit his way into a blueberry filled turnover

“With my anti-tank rocket launcher I could have,” Renfield belched as he opened up his 5th 24 ounce bottle of vodka.

“You carry an anti-tank rocket launcher with you under your raincoat?” Amadeus removed a pot of chili con carne from his lunch bag and started eating it.

“That’s why I’m always getting dates with female porn stars,” Renfield grinned, “they think I’m the new Ron Jeremy.”

Renfield downed his 6th 24 ounce bottle of vodka and then passed out.

“Well I hope there isn’t a terrorist attack tonight,” Amadeus removed a rather sticky cheese fondue from his lunch bag, “the Boss (referring to the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set) will be rather pissed off if Renfield starts smashing his prized collection of 24 ounce bottles of vodka blaming them for the latest Renfieldian inability to stop a terrorist attack in the UK.”

“Not much chance of that, sir,” Athelstan the butler and valet removed Renfied’s drunken body from the hallway carpet and threw it in the shapeshifting hamster/human’s bed room, “Renfield would most likely filter the vodka through his kidneys first and then start pissing it down the drain.”

“Where have all the porn stars gone? Gone out of my hot tub every one,” Renfield started singing from the bed room, “I shouldn’t have brought an electric battery into the tub with me. When will I ever learn? When will I ever learn?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 24th
2017.

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