The Dog Days of August

August 19, 2021 at 10:16 pm (History, Short stories, Short Story) (, , , , , , , , )

It was on this date (August 19th) back in 14 AD that the Roman Emperor Caesar Augustus kicked the bucket (having successfully crossed off Become Ruler of the Known World on his bucket list).

Rumours abounded at the time that he had been poisoned by his wife the Empress Livia.

. . .

“What is this?” Caesar Augustus asked his wife Livia.

“Your favourite,” Livia smiled as she handed him the plate, “Roasted mushrooms.”

“Where are the food tasters?” Augustus looked around.

“I gave them the night off,” Livia poured herself a goblet of wine.

“Gave them the night off?” Augustus’ face turned ashen white (If a Marxist Critical Race Theory professor of Classics and Ancient History had been there, he or she or it (if they belonged to the category of gender confused in the Alphabet Soup community) would have called Caesar Augustus out as the supreme example of white privilege).

Caesar Augustus ate the mushrooms.

“I don’t feel so well,” Caesar Augustus wiped his brow.

“I brought you some nice looking grapes,” Livia put a bowl of delicious looking grapes down in front of Augustus.

“They do look good,” Augustus noted.

He had one.

And another.

And then another…

Until he had finished them all.

“I think I’m dying,” Caesar Augustus stated.

“I’m not surprised,” Livia answered, “I put enough poison in those mushrooms and grapes to kill a horse.”

At that moment a horse neighed loudly from the stables before finally biting the dust.

Both Augustus and horse passed into the midsts of Sheol.

And the dog star Sirius continued on its merry way.

Livia when she was younger before she became Roman Empress and a terrible cook.

-A short story
written by Christopher
Thursday August 19th
2021.

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The Statue of Augustus: A Poem

January 13, 2019 at 11:35 pm (History, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , , )

A poem I wrote 5 years ago today:

Dracul Van Helsing

The Statue of Augustus

The statue of Augustus washed ashore
a long lost artifact from days of yore
has it floated on the world’s oceans this long
past the many tunes and dancing jigs of a mariner’s song
under planes of war
and bombs galore
under satellites that track movement on the seas
and over subs far below the ocean breeze
image from an empire long gone
kept alive in a Vegas strip casino
with wine and song
Why hast thou returned to the shores of mortal men
Imperial god on whose death
to Olympus did ascend?
Thou once deemed immortal
who held the keys to a godly portal
now dost lie on ocean sand
far away from palace grand
thou whose word once made men shake
now lie like fallen monument
after earthquake.

-A poem written by Christopher
Monday January 13th 2014.

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The Donald T-Rump Song

October 24, 2018 at 9:44 pm (Arts, Celebrities, Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, Music, News, Poetry, Politics, Satire, Songs) (, , , , , , , , , )

Oh, let us drink a drink, a drink
to Donald T-Rump, T-Rump
the saviour of the human race
or so he thought in his head
for which a poor red spider monkey bled

Now Donald T-Rump thought he was Julius Caesar
because he was just that type of senile geezer
but he forgot his Roman history
it’s certainly no mystery
Julius was assassinated
dying very constipated
and Augustus took over
like a four leaf clover
while Jared Kushner returns home from Dover
to take the reigns of power
for it is the False Messianic hour.

-A song written
by Christopher
Friday October 19th
2018
to the tune of
The Irish Rovers song
Lily The Pink

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